After I posted an entry a while back about my foot-stamping frustration with trying to find a great pair of pants that don’t involve the terms “skinny” or “gaucho” or “ultra low-rise muffin-top-makers”, I received an email from a very cool person named Karoline who wondered if I would be interested in checking out some jeans from the company where she works, Rocky Mountain Clothing.

I said abso-fucking-lutely, of course, because damn – free jeans. That’s seventeen flavors of awesome right there. But once I sent Karoline my measurements, which she promised to encrypt and bury thousands of miles beneath the earth’s crust directly after use, I started worrying that the jeans would arrive and like 99.9% of all jeans I have ever tried on, they would suck, I would hate them, and instead of a glowing review I would have to post a laboriously constructed story on this website about how I had a freak accident which rendered me incapable of wearing pants, like maybe my legs were gnawed off by angry beavers or something.

I was still working out the finer details of the beaver attack (”They…they knocked me down with their tails…”) when the jeans showed up, a pair of Madisons from the Cruel Girl line.

They. Fit. Perfectly.

In the interest of full disclosure, I’m about 5′5″. And a half. I don’t know why that half inch is so important to me, but in my mind it’s the difference between “short” and “almost kind of tall, like one more inch and we’d be talking supermodel territory”. (Oh, like you’ve never told yourself a teeny, tiny white lie.) I weigh –

Uh, I weigh –

Huuuuuuurrrrrrrrnnnnnnngggggh.

Okay! Ahem. Let’s do it all at once, like jumping into a cold pool: I weigh about 145 lb. Give or take.

(Jesus, why was that so hard? It’s a perfectly normal weight. Stupid societal body image conditioning. Stupid Jessica Alba.)

I’ve been wearing a size 10 or 12, depending on the fit. Often times a 10 is a smidge too small (unless it’s Old Navy, where you have to take whatever size you try on and picture how it will fit in one week when its cheap-ass fabric waist stretches by several yards) and a 12 is too big. If something is low rise, it usually fits fine as long as I am standing; sitting or bending over results in all material galloping southbound, which necessitates the belly hitch move, a furtive yank at the waist to resettle things so neither ass nor C-section flab make a startling fleshy appearance. I have tried on probably forty pairs of jeans in the last 6 months or so, and have settled on 1) a pair of Levi’s 515s in a size 12 which are comfy but baggy and require the belly hitch at least four times per hour, and 2) a pair of Gap size 10s which mold everything into place firmly, but tend to cut off my circulatory system by the end of the day, especially if any Diet Cokes have been consumed (two words: carbonation inflation).

The jeans Karoline sent me are a size 11 (fucking genius!). They’re made of a stretch denim which, praise the lord, actually moves with me and keeps the waist where it belongs, even if I play “Broken Elevator” with Riley in them (also known as “Drop It Like It’s Hott” which involves holding the boy and bending at the knees suddenly to whoosh him down towards the floor. It makes him shriek with joy, so it’s pretty much the best game ever). Even if I sit down in them.

They’re long and lean in the leg and if I have one solitary nit to pick it’s that they don’t automatically shorten just a few centimeters when I wear them with flipflops. I mean, if only they could be formed of some nanobot mesh denim blend that is controlled by a button hidden in the waist, one push and the length is set to “ballet flat”, or elongated to “platform sandal”. Of course, if we are living in this magical fictitious world, I would also like a pony.

The Madison jeans are my new favorite clothing item and I wear them every freaking day. Flattering, comfortable, what more could you ask for? Other than the nanobot thing? Nothing, that’s what.

Karoline also was kind enough to send me a pair of Bailey’s. The style of this brand seems really good, but they are just a little too big for me. Not in any one particular area, just overall, so I’m inclined to believe these are probably also very cool jeans but the wrong size. Would you or anyone you know enjoy a free pair of Bailey’s jeans, size 13? I’d guess if you normally wear a roomy 12 these would fit. Check back here on Monday and I’ll post a goofy contest of some kind to pick a lucky recipient, who is not allowed to make some crazy claim about rabid beavers.

So, to recap: Cruel Girl line good; Madisons incredible. You can’t buy this brand online yet, but there’s a store locator whatsit on their website, which in my zip code points me to a western wear outlet. Karoline suggests signing up for the newsletter, which she says will include promotions and other goodies. I think you should sign up just to enjoy the marketing questionnaire, which wants to know if you are interested in 1) bull riding, 2) barrel racing, 3) “cow horse” (what?), and 4) hip hop. Hee.

Here is a photo of me wearing the jeans, which I hemmed and hawed over posting because I’m not sure they help my cause of promoting their awesomeness, but anyway:

506_jeans.jpg

(To briefly pimp another clothing-related brand, I highly recommend Danner boots for all your hiking/gardening/ass-kicking needs.)

(Also, pardon the sexy snow tire backdrop.)

Okay, check back Monday, and I’ll pay it forward with the Baileys! And, guess what: in a totally unrelated email, I heard from a very nice person from Ogilvy’s PR department who offered to send me a review sample from a new product line launching this summer. The sample? KY SENSUAL MIST.

It’s….spray-on lube.

No, really. It is.

It’s, um, “warming”.

506_spray.jpg

Soooo, as soon as I can figure out how to describe the performance of personal lubricant without, you know, dying over here, I’ll give you the scoop. This might just warrant a new blog tagline, you know? All & Sundry: Not Satisfied With Publishing Ancient Goth Photos, Stepping It Up to Spray-On Lube.

Comments

41 Responses to “The best jeans for dropping it like it is, in fact, hot”

  1. Shawna on May 6th, 2006 11:18 am

    Dude, let me know what the contest will be ’cause I’ll totally enter that. Since my c-section all I’ve been able to wear for pants is one pair of green cords that are simultaneously too tight, yet creep down (WTF?), and one pair of my husband’s jeans.

  2. christen on May 6th, 2006 11:30 am

    Don’t use the warming products unless you like painful, stubborn UTIs! Something about getting cinnamon extract in the place where pee must pass is NOT pleasant.

  3. Alex on May 6th, 2006 11:36 am

    I love it. I *just* blogged my actual weight yesterday. Kinda liberating, no?

  4. Sara on May 6th, 2006 11:47 am

    Um, fucking THANK YOU for doing that. It’s nuts for us ‘normal-weighted’ folk to feel bad because we aren’t a buck fifteen. I’ll keep my dollar fifty on my 5′5″ frame, thank you! (Also? Bring on the jeans… am roomy size 12 and also, 4-months postpartum.) You rock. Even in wet n’ wild eye goo!

  5. warcrygirl on May 6th, 2006 12:17 pm

    Yowza, I’m an inch and a half shorter and heavier than you. I blame the beavers. And I will definitely check out the Cruel Girl line if only because the name kicks ass.

  6. Meg on May 6th, 2006 1:54 pm

    I really miss being a size 10. I’m working on getting back to that.

  7. Jules on May 6th, 2006 1:57 pm

    Those jeans are fantabulous! And you have great legs – lucky you being able to use the words “long” and “lean” in relation to your legs … Hmm I second the warning about warming lubes – no like! Not sexy! Not fun with the burning! I am personally anti-KY, too thick and sticky and goopy and doesn’t retain slick lubiness. I’m a Pjur Woman fan (so is my fella :) ) – its delicious on your bits and stays slick, plus its moisturising and grand for massage during/after, and never gets tacky. But I’m not sure if its available in the US (I’m in Oz). Gah, I tangented – love the jeans, don’t like warming lubes/potions.

  8. jonniker on May 6th, 2006 2:26 pm

    I can’t believe I’m about to admit this, but I’ve used the warming lube before. It already comes in the liquid format, and I can’t figure out how a spray would be any better, except that you don’t get it all over your fingers. Which is, now that I think about it, an incredible bonus, because my big fat complaint about the warming liquid is that it’s stickier than pulled taffy, which is SO unpleasant when applied on your nether regions, and stuff gets stuck in it, and then you feel like you’re coated in candy. Which is really sucky when that’s just not what you were going for, you know? If I were wearing edible panties or body pudding, then I’d be down with sticky, but when I want lube, then I’d like WATER BASED lube, sans taffy.

    I’m interested to see your review, and if the spray factor limits the stickiness. Because after the use of the lube, there was a late-night changing of the sheets, because the sticky, lube-y taffy was EVERYWHERE.

  9. Lesley on May 6th, 2006 2:36 pm

    Are Rocky Mountains sold in Canada? she asked hopefully.

  10. Em on May 6th, 2006 3:55 pm

    God, jeans recommendations are awesome. Thank you. I’m a weirdly proportioned chick, so I like to try out-of-the-mainstream-aren’t-so-tight-they-look-like-they’re-painted-on-my-ass brands.
    oh! It looks like there’s a horse feed n’ stuff store nearby me that sells them. I see myself trying on a pair of quincys in the near future.

  11. lee on May 6th, 2006 5:22 pm

    the dude in the tv commercial is so feaking creepy! if you haven”t seen it, the couple are in bed. he is reading and his wife is discussing the ky warming body massage lotion and when she mentions it’s lube, he drops his book and gives her the “SEX NOW” goofy look and just totally creeps me out. be sure to let us know if JR gives you the creepy “SEX NOW” look too. you might have to sit at the foot of the bed for a few seconds discussing the lubricant mist first to elicite that expression.

  12. Kristen V. on May 6th, 2006 5:52 pm

    In those jeans, your legs look like Jessica Alba’s!

    Also, I’m eagerly anticipating lots of quality laugh-’til-cry time when you review the lube mist.

  13. justmouse on May 6th, 2006 6:46 pm

    you’re totally hot. shut up. i am not even going to say how much i weigh…but let’s just say i’m an inch shorter than you, and on a good day still outweigh you when you were 9 months pregnant. okey dokey?

    also, spray lube? sounds like it should be for ppl who don’t want to acutally…you know…touch “IT”. in which case, wtf do they even need lube for?? i haven’t actually tried anything that is um…warming…but the word on the street (ya, my neighborhood is filled enitrely with pornstars) is that it’s not so much ‘warming’ as ‘burning’, as in oh-my-god-get-it-off-get-it-OFF!!! however, perhaps they were just sissies? can’t wait for your review though, i imagine it will be hilarious.

  14. LIsa on May 6th, 2006 7:10 pm

    Wow, thanks for that entry. I totally feel your pain on the jeans situation. And wow – we are like, exactly the same size. Makes me feel better about things!!! Bring on the contest! I’m all over it! :0

  15. Anne Glamore on May 6th, 2006 7:14 pm

    1. The jeans look great.

    2. How come all the other bloggers are getting the spray lube? i know busymom and Beth got some, too.

    You OWE us a review of that. Hint: does it drip?

  16. Jem on May 6th, 2006 9:03 pm

    I can’t believe it – I am also exactly 5′5″1/2 and I ALWAYS write it exactly that way. And you are way skinnier than me – but some day I will be your weight. *shakes fist in the air*

  17. Kate on May 6th, 2006 9:36 pm

    I hereby sign myself UP for this mad, mad, give-away, as I am a 10/12 (but an 8 at Old Navy, GOD LOVE THEM) and could totally use some new jeans. Particularly if they make me look as hot(t) as yours make you look.

  18. thejunebug on May 6th, 2006 10:21 pm

    You make me laugh! The jeans look awesome, and you know, about your weight: my best friend is a swimmer and a model. She’s close to six feet, and she LOVES telling people her weight, which is 170lbs. She’s around a size 8, but she looks amazing. Size is relevant to the eye, and I think you look great.

  19. Jem on May 6th, 2006 11:51 pm

    thejunebug – that made me feel better, even though I’m nowhere near 6 foot. :)

  20. Crystal on May 7th, 2006 3:18 am

    Aww, you have cowgirl jeans!

    I love all the jeans they sell in western-type stores because the tall ones are made to go over boots, and thus are actually long enough for freaky tall amazon people like me. Love them!

  21. Erin on May 7th, 2006 5:24 am

    I’m laughing at the idea in my head of a couple so incredibly rushed in the sex act that they can’t open a tube and squeeze. “Just, just, gimme 3 sprays! Hurry!”

    Also, the original KY warming liquid hasn’t gotten much use because it’s so disgustingly sweet.

    I hope we’re all contributing to your future review and not just sharing tmi.

  22. Laura on May 7th, 2006 6:34 am

    thank you thank you thank you!
    your proportions are strangely similar to mine, so now I must check out these jeans.

    no comment about the lube. I hate messy sheets.

  23. niki p on May 7th, 2006 8:23 am

    I am a horse chick and those jeans are good for riding in too! I got on the scale yesterday **shudder**. I am 5-9 and I came in at a whopping 183.4. I weigh more now than when I was 9 mos pregnant. I am a solid size 14 and let me tell you, the boys dig girls with curves. I just got my horse back home so I will start riding again everyday. That should jump start me.

  24. thejunebug on May 7th, 2006 10:53 am

    Glad I made you feel better, Jem. *grin*

    Also, Sundry, try shopping in the Junior’s department. They sell in the odd-numbered sizes.

  25. Danell on May 7th, 2006 12:00 pm

    OK, I’m 5′5″ (alas, no 1/2 here) and hovering at 145lbs. (sigh) and in absolutely NO WAY would the description “long and lean” EVER EVER be applicable to my legs…and there are no pants to ever make them appear so. Now, there are many bits and parts of me that I choose to call six-months-post-baby-having problems (the squooshy, squooshy mini-innertube around the middle, the oddly enlarged belly button, the boobs that need an extra tightening of the bra straps to get them back up where they belong…), but the LEGS were short and turkey-drumstick-like even at 115lbs. And based on your picture in your new jeans, your legs start approximately where? Your neck? Phhbbllllt. Girls with long legs should not get to complain about having a hard time finding jeans. (Just kidding ;).)

  26. Annie on May 7th, 2006 3:56 pm

    I’m in on the contest. Between having Sam almost exactly one year ago and having knee surgery this year, my ‘real’ clothes still don’t fit and the one pair of jeans that fit in the dressing room do not fit in real life. They fit great when I put them on, but they are also stretch jeans and so as soon as I sit for 2 1/2 minutes, they loose all elasticity and I spend the remainder of the day hiking them up. They also become absurdly too long at that point. I’ll have to chcek out the website for a location by me.

    I have no contribution so far as the lube goes. I wish you luck.

  27. victoria on May 7th, 2006 7:45 pm

    Can’t we all just agree that astroglide is the be all end all of lubricant, end of discussion?

  28. Chiara on May 7th, 2006 9:32 pm

    People, I am winning that contest, so don’t even BOTHER entering it, okay? It’s just going to end up with all of you crying yourselves to sleep when I get those jeans and force my chub into submission and flame out like the hot, hot rock star I secretly am. I have two things going for me here: a) I’ll be able to take a little part of Linda (i.e., her cast-off clothing) all the way to the other side of the globe with me, which I feel makes me a very strong contestant in the ass-kissing department, and b) I totally know where her house is so I can just let myself in through the giant construction hole and steal the jeans. Can any of y’all compete with that?? No, and I say this with love, you can’t.

    Also, and I am totally not saying this to kiss even MORE ass, because it is totally true, this girl has the best legs I have ever seen, period.

  29. laura on May 8th, 2006 6:36 am

    Dude, you’re wearing Rockies! You’re a cowgirl! Actually, I guess I’m not sure if this is the same brand that we just call Rockies down here, and now I have to check it out. They might make more than just the high-rise, tapered leg calf-roping jeans. But I’m pretty sure you are wearing Rockies, and you’re a cowgirl!

  30. omuchacha on May 8th, 2006 7:33 am

    Cruel Girl = Horse show clothes.

    There’s a reason cowboys chase us cowgirls… it’s in the jeans!

    Seriously though, they looked fab.

  31. laura on May 8th, 2006 8:14 am

    I take it all back. Rockies, Cruel Girl…whatever they are, cowgirl jeans or not, those are awesome jeans, and I’m going to start shopping at Cavender’s Boot City. AWESOME. Forget Old Navy.

  32. Jenny on May 8th, 2006 10:29 am

    Ahh… a good fitting pair of jeans. Is there anything better?

    Have you ever tried DKNY jeans? They fit me perfectly (I have three pairs) and they are not too expensive and are available at Macy’s. The Soho and the Greenwich, specifically.

  33. Holly on May 8th, 2006 10:37 am

    Hey, nice, those jeans look great! I’m totally checking into those boots too! I was just telling my husband this morning I needed some boots like that! ha! :) I remember the post from a while back about the troubles of finding a nice fitting pair of jeans. Damn funny stuff! I too have troubles in that department, I’m 5′8″ and cruise at a firm 160 :) My husband only outweighs me by like 30lbs, rock!

    Anyway, I’m in Sammamish and I know your in Bellevue so I thought I’d share w/ you my best jeans secret! *drumroll* Jeans Direct in Bellevue, tah dah… It’s right off of 8th near the cross section of NE 8th and 116th. Here’s the address – 11822 NE 8th St, Bellevue, WA (425) 453-9517 It’s totally ghetto looking on the outside w/ the flourescent signage claiming to have all the Carhartts you could even desire etc. but inside they have *besides the entire Carhartt line* tons of designer denim. They have all the fancy schmancy pants Nordstrom type brands (Sevens, Rockin’ Republic, Joes Jeans, Blue Cult etc. etc.) plus tons of other stuff and it’s all pretty cheap. Way cheaper then the original price!

    Since it’s a discount type place sometimes you have to go there a few times before finding something great but it’s worth it. I stop in there 3 or 4 times a year. You should check it out

    Oh yeah, PS, (not that you would, but) don’t let the perfect looking, tiny, skinny, 6 foot tall biotch (do people still say biotch?) working the counter make you feel bad, the girls there are actually pretty nice, even though most of them do look like stupid Jessica Alba! Dammit! :) -h

  34. Scott on May 8th, 2006 12:50 pm

    Holy mackerel! People are sending you free stuff? That means you are no longer a blogger – you are now a full-fledged media empire. Rock on!

  35. Rainy on May 19th, 2006 8:55 am

    I just found a store near me. Thank you for this rave review, I’ve been NEEDING jeans that fit teh bootay.

  36. debi on May 20th, 2006 10:00 pm

    just read about the bailey jeans. sounds just what i need. always said i was 5′5 1/2″ too. in my old age though i think i am only 5′5″ now. weigh about 145 – 154. the only pair of jeans i can wear comfortably is a pair of lee jeans size 14m. the length is about 1/2″ too long for my birka’s, but they are stretch and are so comfortable. i always wore jr size jeans size 13. now i wear mostly misses size 14. just send those to me and i will take very good care of them.

    just a note about lubricant’s. they all suck, but regular k-y warming jelly doesn’t seem to be sticky or drip. the best thing i have found is a prescription for vagifem. it is the smallest dose of hormones. it is a local estrogen therapy which releases estradiol into the vagina. it works great for someone who doesn’t take birth control or estrogen therapy.

  37. Jennifer Fairechild on January 14th, 2007 2:14 am

    Google is the best search engine

  38. Jamie on January 23rd, 2007 8:49 am

    Hi from Canada. I love Cruel Girl Jeans too!!! I have the problem that I am 6 foot tall and have a 38″ inseam and women’s Wranglers just don’t cut it all the time. Unfortunaly it’s few and far between for places that sell Cruel Girl here in the Great White North. I wish Cruel Girl would give an option to buy online.

  39. Mrs.O on April 27th, 2007 11:19 pm

    Thank YOU!!!!!!!! I honestly thought I was the only one with the “jean Crisis”, my husband just did not understand my obsession with finding the right pair. I’m 27 years old, 145 Llbs : (. and I’ve got 2 wonderful (yet bratty) kids(which after years of LATERAL THIGH TRAINER, I am still left with a little belly flab…) Although I’m 27 I guess I still feel young enough to shop the jr.s dept, but wind up feeling DEPRESSED when the size 13 pants (jr) don’t fit!! ( do the words camel toe ring a bell to anyone?) I just want to know is there a difference between size 13 jr and size 13 in the um, “mommy pants Dept”? I hope so! The mommy pants make me look OLD, tushyLESS,thunderTHIGHED,and just plain MISERABLE! Thank You for providing us with this most hopeful heads-up on jeans!

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