May 21, 2006

Man, I can’t stand having the lube entry (ha! entry) be on the front of this website for one more minute, so typey typey typey BEGONE! To the archives you go, Disturbing Personal Lubricant Photographic Evidence!

I never found out the story behind (ha! behind) the mysterious LubriGel bathroom appearance. Some of you had downright hilarious theories, all of which bothered JB greatly. “I don’t even want to know,” he kept muttering, but then he’d go right back to the comments section and read everything again. “Hemorrhoids…yeah, maybe, but why would – AARGH, I don’t even want to know.”

The drywall guys are supposed to come back tomorrow, and if I see that damn tube again I am totally going to freak out but be too wimpy to say anything and instead talk about it on my BLOG, like ha HA that will show them! confront them this time.

GOD, I’m ready to be done with this remodel. I was already sick of sharing my house with framers, plumbers, electricians, and drywallers, and that was before someone used personal lubricant in my bathroom for an unknown purpose JB does not even want to know about. Good thing we only have the flooring, painting, tiling, cabinetry, and fixtures to go. So we should be done any day now. Yeah. Aaaany day now.

If you are considering a major home improvement project, let me give you a piece of advice: take your most conservative cost estimate, the one you think includes absolutely everything and provides padding in case you go over, and multiply that number by eleventy billion. That might be a little low, actually. Better make it eleventy billion and five.

We were at Home Depot this weekend (an excursion I lovingly documented here) because we needed, among other things, a faucet. Did you know that faucets come in a range of prices ranging from “freaking ridiculous” to “Jeeeeesus CHRIST, is this thing made out of BLACK TAR HEROIN?” Oh, because they do. I mean, I thought a faucet was just, you know, a doohickey that water comes out of, but no. Au contraire! Rather, a faucet is an expensive doohickey that water comes out of.

I also bought several bags of potting soil which apparently contained a large portion of manure, because after using it to plant we now have a giant palpable feces-odor forcefield wafting around in the backyard. It’s like a Port-A-Potty tipped over, then a herd of cattle came in to power-shit on top of that. Ah, the joys of home ownership.


Our work-in-progress new bedroom.

Ha ha ha, Cat in a bib. Haaaa.

Note proximity of child to head-smashingly dangerous brick hearth. Safety first!

Riley commands the foul demons that inhabit this man to depart! Oh lord heal this man and bless him with the ability to change a toilet paper roll.

Dog voices her editorial criticism for Dora the Explorer.


38 Responses to “This old (lubricated) house”

  1. justmouse on May 21st, 2006 10:32 pm

    gah! you and your family…so…friggin…ADORABLE! in every way. seriously.

  2. Teri M. on May 21st, 2006 10:37 pm

    Ok – sooooo creepy about the lube, btw. But let’s not talk about it.

    Holy cow crap on a cracker, no kidding about the cost of faucets. I would hate to tell anyone what we spent on the faucet for our new kitchen. It’s was ‘spensive. I feel for you one the remodeling. I only had to have strangers in my house for my kitchen. The Strange Man I married is doing the rest.

    OH, and something just came to mind: you can my cocoa nut shells (or something like that) to vanquish the feces smelling dirt. It works and smells like chocolate No kidding.

    as always, adorable pics!

  3. Pete on May 22nd, 2006 12:08 am

    Nice feathering on the sheetrock.

  4. Jem on May 22nd, 2006 1:11 am

    Cat is soooooooooo cute! And you can just tell Riley is going to be talllllllll.

  5. thejunebug on May 22nd, 2006 1:23 am

    Poor cat. Riley looks like he’s having an easier time sitting up!

  6. thatgrrrl on May 22nd, 2006 3:06 am

    The picture of Cat with a bib… you should submit that pic to Cat looks totally disgusted with the whole bib thing, even though it’s a little hard to tell because he’s all black. He’s beautiful, btw.

  7. Emily on May 22nd, 2006 5:06 am

    So I’me guessing you’ve decided not to dub your contractors “Brokeback Builders”? That new addition isn’t in the, um, rear of the house, is it?

    Oh, I crack me the hell up. Pay no mind.

  8. JudyU on May 22nd, 2006 5:33 am

    What is it with men and their inability to replenish the toilet paper? GAH!

  9. Sande on May 22nd, 2006 5:55 am

    Cat looks so pissed at you. Not only the bib thing, but then you took the picture. Cat is totally going to shit in your shoe.

  10. entropic ankh on May 22nd, 2006 6:23 am

    re Teri M. on cocoa shell mulch: the major Hershey related places in the town of Hershey, PA all use cocoa shells for mulch and its maahvelous.

  11. Jennifer on May 22nd, 2006 6:27 am

    This weekend my boyfriend and I went to his sister’s graduation, and we rented a car. We asked for a cheapo compact car, and we were given a Volvo station wagon. We were all, “look at us in our expensive soccer mom mobile!” until on Sunday I went to get the camera out of the back seat and found a condom on the floor.

    It was NOT our condom. But I still grabbed it and threw it away before his 12-yr-old (with the maturity of an 8 yr old) brother found it and said “Very Conservative Mommy, Mommy who disapproves of eldest son’s cohabitation with girlfriend, what is this that I have found in the backseat of their car?”

    We thought it was hysterical… although we were a little skeeved out at why there might be a condom in our rental car. But strange lubricant in the bathroom? SO MUCH WORSE. That’s what cleaners with lot and lots of bleach were designed for.

  12. Kristen V. on May 22nd, 2006 6:30 am

    Hey, I think that’s the exact same paint sample strip we were looking at a few months ago for our new downstairs room! Sherwin-Williams? The one with “Humble Gold”?

  13. fifi on May 22nd, 2006 7:31 am

    Giving the workforce a huge benefit of the doubt, isn’t it possible the lubricant was used to facilitate the waterproofing and easing together of two pipes, like soft soap used to be?( I used to date a plumber.) Ah, that came out sounding wrong, and horribly kinky.
    Anyhoo, I’d brazenly ask what part of the job it was used for, because 1) you might learn something, 2) if it was used for something dodgy, the look on their faces would be worth the embarrassment of asking, and 3) might get your bill reduced if you feign total outrage.
    I love how Dog is faithfully attempting to cuddle JB while Riley casts out his demons.

  14. kara marie on May 22nd, 2006 8:00 am

    Cat in a bib, cat in a bib!


  15. Lisa S. on May 22nd, 2006 9:06 am

    Oh my gosh, no kidding on the whole inflation-of-price thing. And no kidding on the faucets-must-be-made-from-a-rare-element-or-why-else-would-they-be-so-expensive? thing. We are in the middle of remodeling our one (1) bathroom and the whole thing has been an education. The lesson I learned? I should have skipped college and gone into contracting. Apparently, it’s lucrative!

  16. serena (Of serenaville) on May 22nd, 2006 9:29 am

    That is one unamused Cat.By the way… Do you think Riley would perform a “laying on of hands” for my husband, that he might FINALLY prime and paint the Things’ ghetto fabulous be-spackled bedroom, since he won’t permit me to hire professional painters like a normal person?? That would be stellar, besides downright miraculous.

  17. dani on May 22nd, 2006 9:50 am

    we just went the the sticker shock of faucets too. the answer?: ikea. they don’t have many, but the ones they have are great and actually semi-reasonable.

  18. kate on May 22nd, 2006 10:40 am

    i was just going to say- check ikea. i remember their sinks and faucets being pretty cheap. of course.

  19. Philos on May 22nd, 2006 10:42 am

    So, if we never hear from you again after this post, we’ll know it’s because Cat has taken vengeance for the bib and photo.

  20. Sabine on May 22nd, 2006 11:22 am

    Yep, I think multiplying by eleventy billion and five about does it. I’m on the third big project with my house, and I’m still not able to keep a straight face when a contractor quotes a “not-to-exceed” price. Gah.

    And I agree with whoever said that you guys are an adorable family.

  21. casy on May 22nd, 2006 12:02 pm

    Wait! I can tell you why there was lube! My husband is a electrician and they use lube to prep wires for placement. (Shoving them into pipes and such). Hope that eases you mind.

  22. sundry on May 22nd, 2006 12:13 pm

    But they weren’t doing any…wiring. My mind, it is not eased.

  23. Lisa on May 22nd, 2006 12:21 pm

    Was it possible that they were working with something sticky, like tar or grout or adhesive? Maybe they were coating their hands so they wouldn’t get anything stuck to it?

  24. sundry on May 22nd, 2006 12:28 pm

    Heyyy, that just might be it – they were putting up drywall, which involves a process called “mudding”. Maybe they use the lube to keep the mud from sticking to them? YES! *pumps fist in air*

  25. Donna on May 22nd, 2006 2:31 pm

    And while Riley is healing JB, have him remove the dog shaped growth on his neck too willya?
    And Pete is right, nice feathering.
    I like my moen faucets, they have a lifetime warranty, and actually will honor it, I’ve had to deal with them, very easy to get along with, and eager to please.

  26. Lesley on May 22nd, 2006 4:16 pm

    Judging by the expression on your cat – a cat that Stephen King could build a novel around – I now believe, without any doubt, that Cat went out and bought the lube and put it in your bathroom just to fuck with your mind.

  27. Pete on May 22nd, 2006 4:18 pm

    Both the mud and lube are water based so I don’t think they were coating their hands. That and the mud knifes would slip out of their hands. Since not much was missing from the tube maybe they were styling their hair (Something about Mary)? I still think it was the cat.

  28. Anna on May 22nd, 2006 4:23 pm

    Personal lube is named personal for a reason – nobody needs to know what its being used for. What I would like to know is how electricians and plumbers etc came to realise the benefits of lube. One day were they having trouble getting a wire through a hole and one of them siad ” Wait I have some lube in my car maybe that will work ” Eewwwww

  29. Brooke on May 22nd, 2006 4:50 pm

    Holy crap, you’re funny! I’m hooked. Even your comments are funny.

    Yeah, we skipped the renovation and bought a new house. It was cheaper than paying half a mil to add a second floor.


  30. Amy on May 22nd, 2006 8:11 pm

    It looks like you use my personal rule of thumb: one diaper blowout gets a pass, but two diaper blowouts = move up a size. My daughter was in size 4 diapers at 6 months for that reason. Riley looks like he’s wearing a size 8.

  31. Sundry on May 22nd, 2006 8:51 pm

    It’s a size 3! Although I decided I hated that brand and recently switched to “Cruisers” in size 3, they’re much more stretchy and, well, FORM FITTING.

  32. Kay on May 22nd, 2006 9:24 pm

    I am loving the laying on the hands pic! HEH! :)

  33. Jenny on May 22nd, 2006 11:32 pm

    We like to call it Home Despot.

    Does anyone else think that JB looks smokin’ hot in that picture?

  34. Jessie on May 23rd, 2006 8:39 am

    Darn, I was hoping to find out the story behind the lube. Love that last picture of Riley sitting up. He’s becoming such a little kid!

  35. AmyQ on May 23rd, 2006 9:43 am

    So…the lube story…I tell it to my husband who is a air conditioning tradesman and his friend who is a plumber and they both stare at me blankly and say “So?”. According to them, there are lots of things that they would use lube for in an installation, none of which would be considered freaky, like use it on rubber seals etc. So they say…maybe they just want an explanation for when their lube gets found accidentally! Its a much funnier story (for me) to consider other possibilities but since JB is having such a problem with it, I thought knowing this might make things a little easier. Good luck with the renos.

  36. Kim on May 23rd, 2006 12:07 pm


    Just have to speak up on this one: Cocoa mulch would be a bad idea if Cat or Dog frequent your backyard.

    Here’s a link.


  37. Chris Ross on January 14th, 2007 2:20 am

    Google is the best search engine

  38. Velvet Burch on November 12th, 2008 9:08 pm


Leave a Reply