June 7, 2006

So hey, you may be thinking, whatever happened with the KY Sensual Mist Lubricant?

Well, I’ll tell you, but first I have to warn off the conservative folk because this is some NC-17 shit right here. I mean, send the children out of the room, okay? I – oh gosh, I don’t even know if I can do this. Breathe, breathe. Okay. Ready?

I put it away and forgot all about it.

(HOT!)

Then I was cleaning out the drawers of our bureau in preparation for moving it so the painters could work (my socks and underwear are currently in a paper bag next to the cat’s food bowl. Have I mentioned lately how much I’m enjoying the remodel?) and I was like, oh yeah! Lube! And not the kind left by drywall contractors!

I have to say, I’m not sure I approve of the spray-on method. It kind of seems like a way to keep from having to actually touch the ooky sex bits, doesn’t it? However, I see that in the Official Press Release, it’s “actually a new activity, developed to inspire a spirit of play, to liberate couples to be more adventurous and express themselves more fully.”

Hey, and I have been wanting to express myself more fully lately, too. Who knew it was as simple as a healthy blast of spray-on lubricant? Fuck art, go with lube.

I tried the “warming” style on my arm, being a little fearful of dousing my delicate girl parts with something that might end up feeling like Ben-Gay. It did in fact feel a little warm, but not the cayenne burn I had worried about. Maybe if you used a LOT it would sear off your privates. Then again, some people might really like that (warning: that link may physically remove the last of your childlike innocence).

JB was disdainful of KY in general, spray variety or not. “It’s okay at first, but then it gets sticky“. I am here to report that the Sensual Mist did not in fact become sticky, but neither was it as…um….slickery as it could have been. Let’s just say it was not the sort of lube that could be used in a single solitary droplet on the surface of a Slip-n-Slide in order to create the most dangerous wasterslide on earth. Let’s just say if you were in prison, you would want something a little more robust than KY Sensual Mist.

Overall, it earns low points from me, for both being a product that must be delivered in a namby-pamby fashion (“could you sort of turn this way so I can spray you, honey?”) and for failing to truly deliver on the lubrication front. It does come in a cute little package, though, which is more than I can say for this, which trumps the hell out of KY’s performance but is not something you want a baggage inspector to hold up in a crowded airport.

Um, that’s what I heard, anyway.

Comments

30 Responses to “Houston, we have a problem….a *sexy* problem”

  1. angela on June 7th, 2006 2:52 pm

    my favorite lube is the liquid store brand they sell at emporium drug store. but they dont carry it anymore. i decided to spring for some fancy stuff at the dildo store, and damn, a little drop will do ya. i failed to mention this to my BF, thinking that a 47 year old man would have experience in this arena, so i handed him the flip top bottle one evening when i was, uhm, not exactly in a position where application would be feasible.

    instead of flipping open the cap and going a drop at a time, he unscrews the whole lid and dumps half the bottle on our respective private bits.

    wtf.

  2. Jessica on June 7th, 2006 3:07 pm

    Okay, so, banana out the nose not my favoritest thing, you’d think I’d have learned by now NOT to eat while reading your blog…

  3. Keaton on June 7th, 2006 3:10 pm

    I’ve been reading for a while now, and have never commented, but wow…this whole entry just about blew me away. I was still recovering from Ceiling Cat when I clicked the link leading to the Wikipedia article, and now I will be laughing for the next few hours, which will be spent at work in a restaurant. I can hear it now. I will be talking to a co-worker and say, “Hey, do you know what figging is? Want me to explain it in detail?” And as soon as I begin, BAM, someone will appear and be offended. There goes any tip I was gonna get tonight…

  4. Susan on June 7th, 2006 4:00 pm

    OK…so I should know by now to trust you when you warn about the links! At least now I have something interesting to contribute to the conversation at wine night!

  5. pippa on June 7th, 2006 4:02 pm

    W.T.F. I thought I’d heard it all. Shit, I was a dresser for a drag queen for a while. There’s not much I haven’t seen. However, THAT I’ve never heard of. Ever. Oy. I’ll never be able to look at a Fig Newton the same way again.

  6. Elleana on June 7th, 2006 4:15 pm

    My innocence is lost. Very lost.
    But I did laugh my ass off!

  7. fifi on June 7th, 2006 4:23 pm

    I will never look at a fig the same way again. But, y’know, it’s always good to learn new vocabulary, even if you cannot imagine the occasion when it might be useful!

  8. JennB on June 7th, 2006 4:51 pm

    So tired lately. Please remind me what sex is? Can’t remember. Too tired. BECAUSE: we’re remodeling our bathroom. Holy fuck, what a mess. The thing is only 10′ x 6′. How can such a small room fill up a dumpster with stuff????? How are you doing your whole house?!?!?!? I might have to go insane if that happened to me….

  9. Anne Glamore on June 7th, 2006 5:16 pm

    I don’t think you’re being nearly specific enough. What is the diameter of the circle of spray? Does it make a bigger mess than a few drops of liquid KY would if your partner was clumsy? Because it’s one thing to have your private bits be slickery, but another thing entirely to have the entire mattress lubricated by a well meaning lover with poor aim.

  10. jana on June 7th, 2006 6:34 pm

    Love your write-up; try Slippery Stuff – quite slippery and oh so not sticky

  11. sundry on June 7th, 2006 6:42 pm

    JennB: ONE bathroom? Feh. Tell me when you’ve got a REAL problem. ; )

    Anne: it’s all about proximity, right? Diameter of circle when sprayed very very close? Tiny. When sprayed from across the room in an attempt to avoid all genital contact? Large. Also can I just say that “entire mattress lubricated by a well meaning lover with poor aim” is the dirtiest-sounding thing EVER? Heh. Pearl mattress. Heh.

  12. jonniker on June 7th, 2006 7:23 pm

    I hated the warming aspect of the lube, for I thought it was sticky as all get-out and not at all lubing. BUT, I didn’t try the spray and sheesh, it may have made all the difference.

    Honestly, though, I’m with JB on the KY front. Every. single. blasted. time. I use any sort of KY, our bodies, our bed, our EVERYTHING including, one time due to a misfired squirt in the direction of our pervy voyeur cat, ends up sticky. So sticky. (Needless to say, by the way, when we KY’d the cat, the sex was over. It was all too much.)

    And “Fuck art, go with lube” might be the funniest thing you’ve ever said. And that link lead me the same place I went when I learned that ‘felch’ was an actual verb with a meaning more foul than anything I’ve ever heard, next to dirty sanchez. No no, it’s grosser.

  13. CartwheelsAtMidnight on June 7th, 2006 7:44 pm

    Ok. Good to know. I like how we share.

  14. Lisa B on June 7th, 2006 9:07 pm

    Arg. I just realized I may be at home, but I’m on my work machine. Sadly, I sort of knew what figging was, but since I was on wikipedia, and reading your site, took the opportunity (thanks jonniker!) to look up “dirty sanchez.” Sigh.

  15. Donna on June 7th, 2006 10:55 pm

    What the hell are people thinking? Felching? Figging? Dirty sanchez’s? I learn so much on this blog. Stuff I never wanted to know.

  16. Pete on June 8th, 2006 12:01 am

    Seconds on the Slippery Stuff

  17. Kaire on June 8th, 2006 5:27 am

    So if you have perchance eaten oh, say, a ton of jalapenos or something else and then had violent shits (for reasons we need not to go into) your “jalapeno fire” that blows out your ass and melts your rectum is actually something others *desire* … go figure.

    I think I’ll pass on figging. Seared brown eye is so not sexy.

  18. wn on June 8th, 2006 6:03 am

    Sersiously Sundry…how on EARTH did you find out about “figging”
    (do I want to know this?)

  19. omuchacha on June 8th, 2006 6:18 am

    Sadly, I’ll admit I’ve seen the show horse preparation part of the figging definition. The wilkepedia is a bit off though. It’s ginger paste applied via a toothbrush. *shudder*

    Now, the warming lube sounds fun… If you really want to get crazy you need blow pops (wild cherry is the best!) and pop rocks – though not at the same time. That would be just too much!

  20. Ang on June 8th, 2006 8:04 am

    Okay, I’ve heard of pop rocks, but BLOW POPS?!?!?!? Please explain!

  21. Adrien on June 8th, 2006 8:41 am

    There is a serious lack of excitement and joy in some people’s lives if they have to resort to sticking ginger root up their ass for a good time. Save it for the stirfry, people! That’s all I’m saying.

  22. Lisa on June 8th, 2006 9:01 am

    Ohh, JennB, do I feel your pain. We’re re-doing our bathroom too, and little did we realize, we are actually the lucky owners of the Winchester Mystery Bathroom. Construction must go on at all times, or else … I don’t know. Something dire happens? My contractor can’t take his wife to the Bahamas on our dime?

    Sundry, I love that cartoon. I have a copy of it. It’s funny ’cause it’s true.

  23. victoria on June 8th, 2006 10:01 am

    I have to say, Astroglide is the world’s best personal lubricant. Nothing else compares. No cute dispenser, at least, not the last time I bought some, but stuff works like a charm. Far superior to KY.

  24. Maki on June 8th, 2006 10:46 am

    We have been remodeling for the past year. 600 sq feet added onto our house entirely done by my hubby and father in law. Concrete, plumbing, electrical, framing, ALL OF IT. Now THAT is brutual. Especially with a toddler and not to mention I had to sleep with the newborn on the couch for 2 months since we had no bedrooms. LOVELY.

    Astroglide rocks our world. That’s when we have the time, which is never anymore.

  25. omuchacha on June 8th, 2006 10:56 am

    About the blow pop thing…

    Wild Cherry are um, larger than your average run of the mill blow pop and they’ve got an interesting flavor. They’re great for satisfying the fairer sex. And a lot of fun to play with as a couple – or by yourself.

    If only mom really knew why I had a blow pop fetish during college…

  26. SophieSmith on June 8th, 2006 11:17 am

    Great post! I have to agree with Victoria and Maki, Astroglide does perform well. As far as adding heat to your bedroom fun, always take it slow and cautious, as with any new substance (or items). You or your partner may have an allergy or extreme sensitivity, especially around the errogenous zones. As they say, try, try again! ;-)

  27. sweetney on June 8th, 2006 6:52 pm

    i got my sensual mist (by FedEx! man, they spare no fucking expense, do they?) like a month (?) or so (?) back (?), but have yet to use it. yes, my life is JUST THAT SAD.

    or, you know, *naturally moist*. YOU DECIDE.

  28. veralynn on June 12th, 2006 1:53 pm

    LMAO at Jonniker’s KYing of the cat…tears in my eyes and trying not to make an ass out of myself at the office. Also, at the office so can’t enjoy these wondrous links til later…booo.

    And, um, adding blow pops to my grocery list. :-)

    For non-latex fun, I advocate Trader Joe’s rosemary and mint body oil. Wowza. A little goes a *long* way (nowhere near as embarassing for airport security either). My TJ’s stopped carrying it and I think I’ll cry when my bottle runs out.

  29. » Spray Lube - SexHacker on June 20th, 2006 3:54 am

    […] (UPDATE: In researching this product, I came across a couple reviews; seems that K-Y sent samples to a few bloggers. This one wasn’t ecstatic about it, though is not overwhelmingly negative; this one concurs. Both found it a little less slippery than they’d have liked (but of course, you may feel differently). It occurs to me that if K-Y’s lubes just don’t do the trick, it might be possible to put any water-based lube in a small spray-bottle, perhaps with a little distilled water to make it sprayable. As you can see, I’m all about the spray factor — it just seems so handy and useful!) […]

  30. Mom101 on June 20th, 2006 6:22 am

    Just found your site through a sex blog of sorts that linked both of our reviews on this KY crap and was delighted to find that we agree on the Lysol/Pam/Easy-off aspect of this whole spray lube thing. I was dismayed however to find that your review was 6.9 times way funnier than mine. Harumph.

    Seriously, awesome blog. Can’t believe I hadn’t been here before.

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