June 10, 2006

Hi. I have porn in my trunk.

Oh, was that kind of…abrupt? I’m sorry, let’s ease into this together. How are you, anyway? Everything good? What’s the weather like, finally turning warm? That sounds great; Seattle’s been sort of muggy and –

No, seriously. I have porn in my trunk.

Remember how I told you we were going to have our floors done this week, so we have to get everything out of the house? For the last couple days, that’s all we’ve been doing – picking up every single item that’s currently touching the floor, and moving it out to the garage. It’s about as fun as you would think, assuming what you would think is: man, that doesn’t sound like any fun at all.

Take a look around where you live and notice, if you will, the number of things resting on the floor. Furniture, yeah, but also your closets, plants, random end tables crammed with things on top of them, super heavy things that you only assembled with the use of a pallet jack rented from Home Depot…I keep wishing we could just employ a giant net of some kind to suspend everything from the ceiling. But no. It all must be moved, and it is all dusty, and the baby is no help whatsoever.

This is what our garage currently looks like:


And we still have several large items to go. Thank god JB is the master of Tetris-ing, because if I were in charge of making it all fit we would have a giant shitload of furniture strewn across the lawn.

On Monday we move into a hotel, and Thursday we can start moving it all back in, hopefully without succumbing to toxic floor-refinishing fumes. The painters came last week and vastly improved the appearance of three rooms in the house, so at least we don’t have that chore to look forward to (first rule of home remodeling: quit thinking you’ll save money by doing things yourself and just hire a fucking expert already), and –

Right, the porn.

So, we were going through all of our crap and JB said to me, “What should I do with the porn?”

“The porn,” I said.

“Yeah. I mean, there are a bunch of old magazines and videos and stuff.” He showed me a brown bag which contained a sizable pile of Adult Entertainment.

“Well, not to imply anything here, but when’s the last time anyone…you know, looked at this stuff? And what’s this magazine, anyway…it’s dated 1997. I mean, the pubic hair styles have clearly moved on.”

“What are you saying,” he said slowly.

“I don’t know, maybe you could…get rid of it?”

JB looked at me with shocked, moist eyes, and took me by the shoulders. “You can’t throw away porn. You just can’t.”

“Okay, fine.”

A guy can’t throw away his porn.”

“I SAID FINE. Jesus.”

We then had a discussion about where the porn should go. Every shelf in our closets is now packed full, so I told him it would have to go in the garage with everything else. “But my parents are helping us move back in,” he said, greatly disturbed. “It’s going to have to go in your car.”

My car. Why not his car? Because it’s a truck and there’s nowhere to hide it. Why not just stick it in a box? Well, what if his parents open the box. Maybe you could label the box Do Not Open, then. No, he really thinks it should go in my car.

You’d think we were trying to figure out whose ass in which to cram a brick of heroin before smuggling across the border. I tried informing him that he is 32 years old and maybe it’s high time his parents knew he was having S-E-X, but then I imagined the exact moment of his mother, trying to be helpful, opening a bag and being faced with Jenna Jameson’s reproductive organs and I said FINE, it can go in my car.

Thus, I have porn in my trunk. Which I forgot all about yesterday afternoon. Until I opened up the back of my car, in a crowded QFC parking lot, and started to put a bag of groceries inside.

Anyway. That’s been my weekend. How about you?

(What? In the absence of furniture, we’ve got to share.)


38 Responses to “Junk in my trunk”

  1. justmouse on June 10th, 2006 4:56 pm

    what you really need is a Porn Cupboard. then it’s already in a large rubbermaid tub or two, safely tucked away in the bedroom…um…not that we have that much porn..or a cupboard…or…um…nevermind. *cough*

  2. Liz on June 10th, 2006 5:56 pm

    One time the oil change place set fire to my car. While we got the insurance stuff sorted out they gave us this old beater to use. Imagine our surprise when we go to put our Fred Meyer purchases in the trunk and find… chicken shit! (Also note the “Love Slave” sticker. Classy!) The mechanic was nice enough to offer us the poop but we didn’t take it.

    Dog is just like a big ol’ yellow boppy up there!

  3. Kate on June 10th, 2006 6:16 pm

    Number One: That is a postively brilliant post. I mean, seriously, you’ve got mad skillz.
    Number Two: That picture is about as adorable as adorable gets.


  4. jonniker on June 10th, 2006 6:27 pm

    “The pubic hair styles have clearly moved on.”

    This is a terrifyingly accurate, honest and HI – larious statement, because MY GOD, they really have. But, a more important question is really: why is porn always in a brown bag? It is in our house, too. And really, with the ubiquity that is Brown Bag Porn, an outsized brown bag is a virtual NEON SIGN that you’re carrying porn. Or a shotgun. Or a bottle of strawberry Mad Dog 50/50 and are planning a good long rest under a park bench.

  5. Shannon on June 10th, 2006 7:06 pm

    My fiance’s porn is all sitting on a bookshelf in the basement, out in the open for everyone to see! Then again, his porn-buying habits consist of going to this one porn shop on Aurora Ave. and buying up all the 1960s and 1970s Playboys. It’s really fun porn to look at! I think his nastier porn is all on the internets.

    After you move back in, you can buy one of these puppies to stash the porn in:


  6. Jem on June 10th, 2006 7:24 pm

    Gah. That reminds me of the time me and my ex-boyfriend went to stay at my mums beach house for a while. We were only 18, and when we came back we had random things strewn throughout the car. On the way back we got pulled over by cops ’cause my car looks like another car they were looking for for drug charges, and they searched it with a flashlight, with my freakin’ thong lying on the floor.

    Maybe you could hand on the porn? My boyfriend said that in his hometown, a few years ago, there was a huge bag of porn that used to get handed around from person to person. Ahaha.

  7. Michelle on June 10th, 2006 7:52 pm

    I’ve been a lurker for awhile, and I just have to say I wait on pens and needles (sometimes litteraly) for your next post. They always give me that smile when I feel blue. That and my boyfriend LOVES your blog as well. It’s just not masculine to admit it. I hope you have a good stay at your hotel. Hopefully it has a pool. Those are always nice.

  8. thejunebug on June 11th, 2006 2:01 am

    We have to remember to take the porn DVDs out of the living room where they live with the rest of the DVDs, and make sure no one goes into the hubby’s closet (or that he doesn’t leave the door open). Last year for Thanksgiving, though, I think we accidentally left the DVDs out and I may have traumatised my stepfather. I dunno, though. He was looking at our hundreds of DVDs and then all of a sudden he was across the room and he looked embarassed. :/

  9. victoria on June 11th, 2006 2:30 am

    Ah, yet another entry that makes me love JB. Possibly even more than the entries about his hunting, or the BAMT. Sundry, what could you possibly do to make us love your husband more? Inform us that he’s running a Cambodian brothel?

  10. diane on June 11th, 2006 4:37 am

    You have now outdone yourself!! This is the cutest picture ever. Dog is just wonderful at sharing.

    The porn thing….just buy an ottoman that looks solid but has storage inside….then be sure you don’t brag to anyone about how well the storage space is concealed…lol….so I have a big mouth!!

  11. pippa on June 11th, 2006 5:18 am

    Okay, we literally have a pr0n cupboard. (And why am I such a nerd that I can no longer type that word CORRECTLY but must l33t it every time? Gah.) But you do realize that by carrying the aforementioned contraband in your trunk you have jinxed yourself to either a) being sussed out by a fellow daycare parent when you forget it’s there; b) having JB’s parents go into your trunk for some reason; or c) getting rear-ended in an accident. It’s Murphy’s Law under subsection “pr0n” and I’d keep it at a friend’s house. Or something.

  12. CartwheelsAtMidnight on June 11th, 2006 7:06 am

    Heh. We actually do have a porn trunk. And it’s fire-safe. Much of it dates back to the early 90’s and is much more ridiculous than it is sexy, but he won’t give it up. No matter HOW small our bedroom closet is… Come to think of it, I think it’s up in the attic here. Hard to get the job done from up there…

  13. Keri on June 11th, 2006 7:36 am

    Funny how men are more sentimental for their porn stuff than anything else! =P

    Love that pic; babies and pets=priceless!

  14. Anne Glamore on June 11th, 2006 8:26 am

    Heh about the porn. The dog and the babe don’t seem too upset about it.

  15. Lola on June 11th, 2006 8:49 am

    We’re on the move and have a similar predicament. Where do you put the sex toys when you have professional movers coming to pack? Don’t want to put them in my carry-on luggage “Ma’am, there seems to be an odd item on the screen here, we need to search your bag.” *blanch* I guess we could stow them in the checked baggage, but someone’s still going to be looking at the stuff.

  16. Amanda on June 11th, 2006 10:25 am

    Story one: My (divorced, hadn’t seen each other in five years) parents came to help load furniture for me and my boyfriend to move cross country. My bf and dad lifted the bed… to reveal our riding crop. (What? You don’t have a riding crop under your bed?) Surprisingly, seven years later the joke is always about the saddle.

    Story two: Our bachelor/bachelorette parties had to accommodate several elderly out-of-town famly members (including my parents who hadn’t seen each other except for that once in now almost eleven years), with the guys in the basement playing pool and the “ladies” (cough cough) upstairs. My mom gave me the largest, most throbby, twitchy, pseudo-moist-textured vibrating dildo on a suction cup that she stuck to my kitchen table… precisely as my brother and future father-in-law came upstairs to make more popcorn. I don’t know if I or my FFIL was more red. Surprisingly, my brother stayed around to finish the popcorn.

    I’m surprised that I ever had sex again.

  17. Annie on June 11th, 2006 10:52 am

    He could maybe donate the porn to a local fraternity or something? Maybe pick out one or two favorites to keep? You know, like parents make their kids do with their toys before Christmas.

    Best of luck with the floor. Enjoy the dust free, clean bathroom at the hotel.

    Love the picture of Riley with Dog. But I think my current favorite is still the Combover.

  18. Sarah on June 11th, 2006 1:34 pm

    Oh my gosh, Riley leaning on the dog… Awesome!!

  19. warcrygirl on June 11th, 2006 3:50 pm

    I bet that’s the best seat in the house! Your trunk sounds way more exciting than mine; all I have in my trunk is bags of clothes and old toys to donate to the local battered women’s shelter. Wanna trade?

  20. Pete on June 11th, 2006 8:29 pm

    That’s a great pix!

  21. thejunebug on June 11th, 2006 9:02 pm

    I just noticed the date on this entry is May 10. Holy time-warp, batman!

  22. Kaire on June 12th, 2006 4:58 am

    We have the rubbermaid tub o’ toys. Although I did leave the vibrating egg on the night stand once. Just one time of an 11 year old saying “what’s this?” will make sure that never happens again. Although my boyfriend’s oldest son was the brightest. He slowly swiped some of his dad’s tapes and sold them to friends. Wait, he wasn’t too bright though because he had Hustler’s hidden in the drop ceiling and there were too many of them and it popped a ceiling tile out. His mom found that …

  23. my pink sky on June 12th, 2006 5:24 am

    i just stopped by your blog today, and i can’t stop laughing! so fuuny those boys and their porn. you’re a trooper…just don’t get pulled over! hope all goes well with the floors -uhg, what a project.

  24. megan on June 12th, 2006 6:22 am

    When I first met my boyfriend, I noticed two things about his kitchen. 1) It was very sparse in any terms of actual food preparation. And 2) He had porn in the cabinet above his fridge.

    His explanation was that he had no closed cabinets to keep it in the living room, so he kept the videos in the kitchen. Because who would look above the fridge for anything? In his mind no one really kept things in those cabinets. I thought it was hilarious.

    It was my favorite conversation for months. “Where do you keep your porn?” “Oh, the kitchen of course!”

  25. Ang on June 12th, 2006 6:36 am

    My husband has a little Rubbermaid tub of Playboys. He has saved every one of he’s bought since he was a teenager. When he got divorced and moved out of his ex-wife’s house, he could not find the tub-o-porn. (His ex had stored it away so someone wouldn’t happen upon it.) Anyway, she couldn’t remember where she put it, and he wasnt’ “allowed” in the house to look for it. SO, in a response to a motion in the divorce, the ex’s attorney wrote something on the order of this: “My client does not know where Respondent’s Playboy magazines are stored, but she is willing to relinquish the items if they are found.” BWHAHAHAHHAHAAA
    She did find them. Thank God. They have provided hours of entertainment—Sundry, you are so right about the pubic hairstyles!!!

  26. ang on June 12th, 2006 7:30 am

    I keep a basket under our bed for the porn. It usually works great but… last year for our annual termite inspection I moved it to my closet. (thinking the termite inspector would look under the bed, but not my closet?!? I just sat this big basket on top of my shoes and closed the door. Needless to say, when he opened Bill’s closet, peeped around at the baseboards and then moved on to open mine… I shrieked, “That’s just storage! DON’T OPEN THAT ONE! ” He looked at me and totally Knew. I’ll bet they have that in my file: House 2 in subdivision A has a FREAK in it. Inspect with caution.

  27. Leah on June 12th, 2006 8:54 am

    Tetris, tetrised, tetrising. Awesome.

  28. angela on June 12th, 2006 9:32 am

    i decided it was high time that my BF spend some quality time with me and my friends. i invited my friend mike over to my BF’s place for dinner and a new episode of LOST. mike was chilling on the futon couch and BF and i were in the kitchen making dinner. mike tries to help us in the kitchen, but we shoo him and insist he relax and pour another glass of wine. on the way back to the couch, there it is: my set of wrist/ankle chains laying under the couch.

    mike: what are those chain-y things?
    me and BF: UHHHHHHH.

    on another occaision, BF and i were kid-proofing his house for the arrival of his 3 kids (aged 7, 17, and 20) for the holidays, stashing away any paraphernalia. i got a call a couple days later: his 17 year old son found stray anal beads in the coffee table drawer. oops.

  29. Flybunny on June 12th, 2006 10:54 am

    We moved two crates of porn 4 times – yes 4 and each time I threaten to throw them away he gets very upset. He also claims that his collection is our girls inheritance. Sheesh!

    The pic is too cute!

  30. veralynn on June 12th, 2006 2:11 pm

    Augh this brings back too many memories:

    – My uncle, helping me move, picking up a nightstand and having a long spool of condoms fall out of the drawer.

    – My former housemate, trying to fetch a cat from under my bed, discovering all manner of sketchy toys hiding under a pillow.

    and best of all:
    – After my apartment burned down, the firemen rescuing my drawer of toys. Oh, yes, indeedy, a proud moment.

  31. Mike on June 14th, 2006 2:01 pm

    In college, a roommate’s girlfriend made him throw away his porn stash. I think doing so shattered the man.

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