June 22, 2006

My cell phone, which I got shortly after September 11th in the fear that I would be trapped in a building/plane somewhere and be minutes from my own death with no means for which to communicate my last thoughts to JB (“Press play to hear your first message.” “OH SHIT!” “Press 7 to delete this message.”), has a battery that over time has dwindled down to five or so minutes of life after each recharge. The only way it really works is if it is plugged into the car charger, which is useful for calls made while driving, but since I can barely chew gum and walk a straight line without tumbling headfirst down a manhole, I don’t like using my phone in the car. I’m convinced the moment I turn my gaze to the keypad, a school bus full of blind children will hit the brakes in front of me and in my distraction I’ll plow into them at 65 MPH and totally cripple all their helper dogs.

I don’t like using cell phones at all, really. Well, to be honest, it’s more that I don’t like you using your cell phone. Because clearly you are far more important and popular than I am, and that makes me feel insignificant and lame, and also I don’t want to hear how Bob needs to file those TPS reports or honey can you pick up some coffee creamer or oh my GOD did you SEE Trish’s OUTFIT.

I especially hate those Bluetooth wireless thingies that hook over one ear, so from most angles it looks like someone is just shouting into the air in front of them. Project manager or delusional transient? Choose Your Own Adventure!

Anyway, I decided I needed to update my phone because I wanted a reliable means of communication in case of a Riley-related emergency. JB showed me a bunch of options from the Cingular website and I picked one that looked fairly simple, like even a cellular Luddite like me could use it.

So now I own a black Motorola RAZR. It is very sleek and sexy and apparently does all kinds of crazy things like take photos and video and instant message and maybe also prepare a nice butternut squash soup; I don’t actually know for sure because right now all it does is display “UNREGISTERED SIM”.

Eventually I suppose I’ll get the phone figured out, or maybe I’ll just use it to throw at people when I want to get their attention instead of calling them (“Hey! Get some fucking coffee creamer!”).

Let’s be honest, though: what I’ll really use this thing for is taking even MORE pictures of Riley. Lord knows I wouldn’t want a single solitary moment of his life to pass by without photographic evidence.

HEY DID SOMEBODY SAY BABY PHOTOS?

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There is a major monkeys-grooming-each-other vibe going on here. That’s all I’m saying.

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Ha! Check out those eyebrows. Can’t you just see him in a couple years looking at me all like “God, Mom, you can’t even use a cellphone? LAME.”

Comments

25 Responses to “I could never be Jack Bauer”

  1. Whitters on June 22nd, 2006 2:22 pm

    My dad is addicted to his Bluetooth headset thingie. My mom and I like to point and laugh at him. (My husband, wisely, stays out of it. He will therefore probably be the only one of us written into the will.)

    Congratulations on your shiny new cell phone. I have a pink RAZR, and I love it, even though I’ve probably only figured out how to work about 1/3 of the menu options. My mom and I quickly learned the whole photo-taking and -sending thing, though, so we can surreptiously take pictures of random people with really bad fashion sense and then message the photos to each other. And point and laugh.

    You know, now that I think of it, my mom and I are quite the bitches.

  2. Teri M. on June 22nd, 2006 2:31 pm

    Hey, I gots a pink one, too. I love it and will never let it go. Ahem.

    I totally got fooled by a Bluetooth thing yesterday. I was walking back to my car and a guy passed me and said,”How ya doin’?” So I said,”Great, thanks.” I got about two steps past him when it registered that he wasn’t talking to me! I love feeling like an ass. ::sigh::

  3. canknitian on June 22nd, 2006 2:35 pm

    Ah! Finally! Someone else who hates those bluetooth, “It’s like I’m one of the Borg, only better” idiots shouting into the air telephone jiggers! Gah!

    One of the guys at work has one and everytime I see him going with it, I want to pull him aside, as if I’m about to whisper a secret to him and then bellow (in his free ear, of course) “DUDE! YOU LOOK LIKE A KNOB!”

    Dare to dream.

  4. Susan on June 22nd, 2006 2:45 pm

    I’ve been reading you for awhile and love your entries. Today however…today? I don’t think I’ve laughed out loud this much reading anyone’s journal entry ever. The brilliant way you expressed your thoughts here just killed me. And this:

    “and totally cripple all their helper dogs”

    Threw me over the edge. And I have dogs. That I love. Immeasurably.

    Thanks for the laughs.

  5. Lumpyheadsmom on June 22nd, 2006 2:54 pm

    Your little grooming monkey? With the Tongue of Concentration and the Elbow Dimples? Is SCRUMPTIOUS.

  6. jen on June 22nd, 2006 3:07 pm

    How many pockets are on that pair of pants? I mean, seriously, what does munchkin of that size need to store? Thanks for the laugh about the Bluetooth – I work in dispatch and we just outfitted our truck drivers with bluetooth thingies and now they all look like SUPREME dorks.

  7. whoorl on June 22nd, 2006 4:30 pm

    Delusional transients that look like they’re from Planet Ork.

    I had the Razr for awhile. Turns out not only could I not operate it, I couldn’t keep it from slipping out of my hand and crashing on the cement. Two Razrs later, I had to give up.

  8. Holly on June 22nd, 2006 4:56 pm

    “Well, to be honest, it’s more that I don’t like you using your cell phone. Because clearly you are far more important and popular than I am, and that makes me feel insignificant and lame” LOL!

    Also, in the spirit of Choose Your Own Adventure, check this out! http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=2777&p=2

    Man, Riley looks just like JB’s mini me in that bottom photo! Babys are so crazy! :) -h

  9. sundry on June 22nd, 2006 5:10 pm

    Oh my god, I love, love, love those covers on Something Awful. My favorite? This one. Or maybe this one.

  10. thejunebug on June 22nd, 2006 6:50 pm

    My guess is you have to take your SIM card out of your old phone and put it in your new phone, or, if you signed up with a Cingular plan, beat the rep who sold it to you over your head because right now your phone is kinda useless. Take it back to the Cing store and make them do it. ;)

    And hey, we have Cingular here, too — means we can call you for free. ;)

  11. Lucy on June 22nd, 2006 9:16 pm

    I’m in IT Comms and the sim error message is relatively common problem.

    I don’t think you would’ve forgot to move your sim card from the old phone to the new phone (right, please right?) so odds on the new phone is having issues reading an older card that’s a little bit worn after 5 years. You can get a sim replacement done at any mobile phone dealership where they’ll take your current mobile number and put it onto a new sim card which hopefully the shiny shiny RAZR will be able to read.

    Oh and the Razr’s are hot but avoid the V3X Razr’s. Pretty but crappy.

    End boring comment.

  12. kali on June 22nd, 2006 9:37 pm

    “major monkeys-grooming-each-other vibe,” yes, but a friggin CUTE monkeys-grooming-each-other vibe, i say.

  13. Pete on June 22nd, 2006 10:31 pm

    Ah, use to if you saw someone talking to themselves you thought they were off their meds. Now you think BlueTooth.

  14. Jessie on June 23rd, 2006 5:33 am

    I’m thinking of getting a Razr this weekend. I’ve heard mixed things about them, but, oh well. They look cool.

    That bottom picture of Riley is adorable. I love how many pockets he has on those shorts!

  15. pippa on June 23rd, 2006 5:36 am

    Pink RAZR here too. G has the silver and he’s been trying to con me into the matching pink Bluetooth doohickey, but he looks SO INCREDIBLY GAY with his no dice. I’ll risk the ticket rather that look like I play D&D on the weekends and can play “Name that Trek episode” in less than two seconds, TYVM.

  16. stephanie brown (alwaysworried) on June 23rd, 2006 6:13 am

    lol at jen and the comment on the pockets. i was going to make my own comment about it and then was like, nah, they’re cute. but then jen just had to go and say something :P

  17. Sunshyn on June 23rd, 2006 8:03 am

    If you don’t ever use your car charger, you won’t destroy your battery! The current from the car battery is NOT stable, and the quickest way to destroy your battery is to use the car charger. Good luck with figuring out how to use the actual PHONE. I refuse to ever buy anything but a Nokia, because — um — learning curve. I’m too old to have to learn new stuff. Witness the VCR/DVD burner I got for Christmas. Have I burned even one DVD? I have not. Can I play a DVD? Maybe. Barely. New technology. It’s out to kill me. I’m waiting for Roo to get bigger and show me how to use all the electronic stuff. Right now, though, I have the edge on him, because I’m the only one who knows how to make the PT Cruiser song play over and over!

  18. Jay on June 23rd, 2006 10:58 am

    Noooooooo…I implore you to bring back the razr to the store and trade in/up whatever for the sony ericson 3000 wsi– I just got the razr this year and do not like it. At the same time my baby’s dada got the wsi and it is so much better, especially for photos and taking video clips. Which we do all the time, because now that our boy is an actual toddler, what better thing to do than video him toddling around and getting into things!! It also stores a decent selection of mp3s and has a walkman-esque headset– no bluetooth necessary. I can’t recommend it more, and time does not permit the lengthy list of dislilkes I have accumulated regarding the razr.

  19. Maki on June 23rd, 2006 3:48 pm

    Wow, I think I’m the only one left in this world without a cellphone. Yikes. I’m eventually gonna get one but I seriously don’t want any of my friends or family except my hubby to have the number. I just don’t like the idea that people have a direct line right to me (unless its an emergency). You can only use the “I didn’t hear the phone ring” excuse so many times.

    Your boy is so darn cute. I’m so glad you add pic’s cuz I can just eat him up. He’s about the same age as my boy. He’s sooo cool in his cargo pants :)

  20. Annie on June 23rd, 2006 4:10 pm

    This whole post is so hilarious, I simply can’t even pick a favorite part. Crippling helper dogs, deranged transient phone tallkers, razor phone as a weapon-brilliant.

  21. K on June 23rd, 2006 9:16 pm

    Are those pics taken from the RAZR?? Because da-zamn, those are some extremely high quality photos! Totally impressed! My two-year-old LG phone takes pics that look like they came from one of those old 16-color computer monitors, or maybe an old TV with bootlegged cable. Very nice!

  22. sundry on June 23rd, 2006 10:48 pm

    No, no, no – those definitely weren’t taken with the phone!

  23. justmouse on June 24th, 2006 7:46 am

    two things:

    thing one: i love that little paper-doll type cartoon. i made one, and it is TOTALLY me, right down to the EXACT sneakers i wear…except apparently in cartoon world, no one is 200+ pounds.

    thing two: those blue tooth pieces of crap?? so annoying. the first time i ever actually noticed them, was at a swanky restaurant on mother’s day. the woman at the table next to us had the damn thing stuck to her head during the ENTIRE brunch! i’m glad she was so touched by her kids’ effort to give her a lovely mother’s day, that she couldn’t ditch the phone for 5 fucking minutes. totally rude. other than that…they just look like brightly colored hearing aids, as far as i’m concerned.

  24. Kendra! on June 25th, 2006 5:59 pm

    Just tuning in after a long spell of being in absentia from sundry kinds of mourning…Little Man’s hair has come in so nicely since last I beheld him, and he is still appropriating all of the Little Engine that Could faces that I have so missed. Blessings!

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