July 12, 2006

I thought we were done with the teething. I mean, I didn’t think we were done with the teeth, but the pain, the slobbering, the near-constant state of unhappiness and discontent? I THOUGHT WE WERE DONE WITH ALL THAT.

We are not, in fact, done with all that.

In an effort to distract myself from my primary task of weakly patting Riley on the back and giving him 1) Children’s Motrin, 2) teething tablets that contain belladonna (for real!), and 3) fistfuls of crisp twenty-dollar bills in an effort at bribery, I’ve decided that I am a Master Inventor, for I have three SOLID GOLD ideas that I will share with you, should you wish to make MILLIONS from my GENIUS. I am just that generous, you know?

Thing the first: Old-School Nerd Maternity Shirt.

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If you played the text game Zork back in, oh, 1985 or so, you are totally laughing right now.

Thing the second: Built-in Legging Knee Pads.

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Dude. Seriously. How awesome would this be for newly crawling babies? Or perhaps some adult sizes to facilitate blow jobs for gardening?

Thing the third: Heart-warming Children’s Tale.

I’m sick of Little Bears and Very Busy Spiders and whatever the crap Maisy is supposed to be. Let’s have a nice bedtime story involving some of the more unusual members of the animal kingdom.

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Okay. That is all. Please cross your fingers this beshitted fang of Riley’s breaks through soon. Either that, or I’m going to crush up about fifty of those Hyland’s tablets and snort a fat-ass line in the hopes of numbing my entire brain.

Comments

37 Responses to “I am full of good ideas”

  1. Kate on July 12th, 2006 10:47 pm

    *Snarf* Pure genius! Thanks for another great post.

  2. thejunebug on July 12th, 2006 10:57 pm

    Judging by story-time, your brain’s already pretty numb, Linda. ;)

  3. Sunshyn on July 13th, 2006 12:04 am

    Well, at least the teething tablets only have belladonna and not mercury like the old ones did. Given a choice between a toxic poison and a toxic heavy metal capable of causing neurological damage, I’ll take the plain old poison any day. Besides, belladonna will get you nice and high before it kills you.

  4. justmouse on July 13th, 2006 12:15 am

    BA HA HA HA *snort* HA HA HA! i love that story!

    you’re awesome. and i’m not, because i have no advice for you about the teething thing. hey…did you try rawhide bones? rub some peanut butter on them and they go crazy for them. ok…i know…but it worked like a fucking CHARM on the shitty little pomeranian i dogsat last weekend.

  5. kali on July 13th, 2006 12:17 am

    sometimes, i thank the powers that may be for you writing.
    so you know.
    [thanks.]

  6. pippa on July 13th, 2006 1:22 am

    Okay, the cockroach? At 4 AM? SO not necessary. Now I’m afraid to walk back to the bedroom in the dark.

  7. Stormy on July 13th, 2006 1:55 am

    Hyland’s Teething tablets are the freaking ass bomb. I know I went through 12 or so cases of them during the hell that is, teething.

  8. Dawn on July 13th, 2006 4:56 am

    That t-shirt? Is AWESOME.

  9. robin on July 13th, 2006 5:08 am

    Haha..Maisy…oh my GOD how I hate that show! It’s the alligator, he totally creeps me out. Thankfully my child never showed interest in that one.

  10. HollowSquirrel on July 13th, 2006 6:04 am

    I’m printing out this post, cutting out the book pages and binding the heartwarming tale for little Jojo and mommy to read before bed. We need some new material and what better to fall asleep to than the menacing hyena, stalking my baby’s chubby thighs.

  11. sunShine on July 13th, 2006 6:10 am

    Too funny! I hate teething with a passion. It seems to last forever. We are in the middle of that hell too. Thank GOD for teething tablets and Tylenol.

  12. warcrygirl on July 13th, 2006 6:16 am

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Do those leggings come in other colors? You know, cuz I like gardening.

  13. Ang on July 13th, 2006 6:53 am

    You.are.a.genius.

    Oh, and teething sucks. I always wondered why kids needed molars–couldn’t they just chew with their front teeth?

  14. jonniker on July 13th, 2006 7:53 am

    I would totally pet Larry and even Petunia. But Colin? Henry? No. Just no.

    My favorite part of this whole thing is the pic of the little boy, circa 1982 with matching era-appropriate font.

  15. dorrie on July 13th, 2006 8:25 am

    I am laughing my ass off at the end of your story… “that was his shitty advice, now go the hell to sleep” hahahahahahah
    Thanks for making my morning

  16. Amy on July 13th, 2006 8:26 am

    Colin The Hissing Cockroach – ha!

  17. Annie on July 13th, 2006 9:30 am

    Maybe you could let him chew on the knee pads? My Sam has no interest in teethers and is more interested in chomping on me. I have the bruises to prove it. Pass the Hylands.

  18. LLL on July 13th, 2006 10:20 am

    Okay, those babypants with knee pads – you COULD sell them (well maybe not in that exact form, but close). My poor child has to crawl on tile and hardwoods – ouch. Pure genius!

  19. Mandy on July 13th, 2006 11:00 am

    My son LOVES Maisy. Adores her. We have to Tivo the show so he can watch it in the mornings while we are getting ready for work. Therefore, I know the song: Maisy, Maisy, Maisy Maisy MOUSE. She’s a mouse. You’re welcome.

  20. Ceece on July 13th, 2006 11:07 am

    hah, you had me at “beshitted fang”!

  21. Kaire on July 13th, 2006 11:23 am

    That was so touching and heartfelt. I need a nap now too. Thanks for the story!

  22. Jessica on July 13th, 2006 11:57 am

    I WOULD BUY THAT SHIRT. Even though I’m not currently knocked up.

    Put it on cafepress.com and you will be a hundredaire.

  23. Melissa on July 13th, 2006 1:04 pm

    Laughing my ass off!!! Seriously, do those Hyland’s teething tablets really work? I think my baby is working on her first tooth and I’ll try anything.

  24. katie on July 13th, 2006 1:13 pm

    Um, why did Larry Lemur have to travel to see Colin? Don’t lemurs come from Madagascar, too?

  25. sundry on July 13th, 2006 1:15 pm

    Dammit, I KNEW there was a plot hole.

  26. fifi on July 13th, 2006 3:26 pm

    I think there’s a whole new unexploited niche market for bedtime stories from the dark side.
    All those cynical parents out there with varying degrees of beshitted fangs to cope with, would totally
    snap up your oeuvres.

  27. mama kelly on July 13th, 2006 3:32 pm

    between Larry Lemur and memories of playing “Leather Goddesses of Phobos” I am giggling over here

    glad to have wandered in

  28. justmouse on July 13th, 2006 4:22 pm

    ok…first of all…what the HELL are teething tablets??? second…maisy CAN’T POSSIBLY be as bad as friggin’ BARNEY was!!

  29. CAEB on July 13th, 2006 4:51 pm

    I can’t believe that drs. and baby advice “experts” are still peddling that crap about babies NOT getting a fever when they are teething. My daughters, who are now 23 and 25, had a fever EVERY SINGLE DAMN TIME, and their pediatrician insisted the two weren’t related (teething & fever, not my daughters, who are um, related)

    Long-time lurker. Love your writing and photos.

  30. Jem on July 13th, 2006 6:37 pm

    PLEASE DO NOT POST SUCH A LARGE COCKROACH AGAIN WITHOUT WARNING! I soooo go into high-alert mode. That must’ve really sucked googling cockroaches!

    Funny entry though! I love that first t-shirt, you should totally put it on CafePress or whatever its called, or sell it to tshirt hell.

  31. Kelly on July 13th, 2006 8:41 pm

    Sing it, CAEB.

    Holes in gums+bacteria in air that enter holes in gums=a fever, right? I mean, RIGHT? Also, sign me up for the subversive bedtime stories. I think there must be a market for lullabies with the word “fuck” in them, too.

  32. Jennie on July 13th, 2006 9:20 pm

    LOL
    Oh my god that’s hilarious!!!! Would you mind if I used your friendly tale over at my son’s blog? I will credit you of course?

    lol

  33. Elizabeth on July 14th, 2006 12:39 pm

    I want that shirt.

  34. Magpie on July 14th, 2006 12:39 pm

    OH MY GOD YES put that T-shirt on CafePress, and advertise it in your sidebar here (and on ClubMom, if they’ll let you).

    If I ever get knocked up, that would be the first thing I’d buy.

  35. mnerva on July 16th, 2006 4:24 pm

    HAHAHAHA! I just HAD to delurk long enough to tell you that your little bedtime story got me some very bewildered/weird looks from my boyfriend, as I was in tears and chortling loudly (yes, I really chortle). I swear girl, sometimes you make my sides hurt. Thanks!

  36. Melis on July 18th, 2006 11:34 am

    Charlie the Crocodile, I swear, sounds like he’s re-tah-ded. My son once loved Maisy until he discovered the Backyardigans and their overly diverse little clan.

    Answer me this: any idea what Uniqua is? She’s pink, and she has antennae.

  37. Albert Rogers on January 14th, 2007 2:15 am

    Google is the best search engine

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