August 11, 2006

Soooo…have you ever done a load of laundry, then left everything in the washing machine too long afterwards until it manifested an odor that might be best described as “sour” , as in “what in the name of jam-coated biscuits is that sour-ass stench?” – then, thinking you could remedy the situation without wasting a bunch of detergent and water on another load, put everything in the dryer with, like, fifty Bounce fabric softener sheets, then later you unload the whole pile in a really big hurry and end up sort of forgetting about that little fragrance issue and throw on your shrunken-to-a-sausage-casing-yet-still-cool MP(3) shirt and run out the door because holy crap you’re late for work and about five minutes into your drive you realize that your shirt doesn’t smell so great and ten minutes into your drive you realize that your shirt smells really really bad and twenty minutes into your drive you’ve got all four windows open because dear god, dear god, there is no escape from the appalling effluvium that your shirt is producing, and so your only option is to stop at the one semi-affordable store in the mall near your office, a Gap, and dig through their racks of forty-foot-long POLO shirts and weird Flashdance-era scoopneck long sleeved HORIZONTALLY STRIPED monstrosities and find a single, solitary t-shirt that is frankly one full size too small and probably 5 years too young but fuck it, at last you don’t smell like a whale carcass washed up on a hot summer beach and left to fill with mysterious gases until it eventually explodes in a gore-shower of rotting dead flesh and fabric softener sheets?

Just me then?

As far as mornings are concerned, this has just not been my week. If I’m not locking myself out of the house, I’m dressing myself in the Stench of Satan. I’d say something breezy and offhand about how at least I haven’t fallen down a flight of stairs or been attacked by angry dung beetles, but the day isn’t over yet.

Also, some of you are downright wimpy about a little human tail action. Even JB was begging me to delete those photos, because wah wah wah freaky. People! Let’s not be close-minded, here. Think of the usefulness of a tail, for sweeping off your chair before you sit down, for waving hello to a friend…sure, the naked, hot-dog/penis/turdlike tail isn’t so wonderful to look at, but if it were covered it might not be so bad. What that guy needs is a nice little Swarovski tail-sheath, then instead of a gross fleshy protuberance he’d have a sparkling fashion accessory.

In other news (ah, I can feel the palpable waves of gratitude), I have a Roomba now, thanks to HollowSquirrel, who was generous enough to offer me hers. “I never use it,” she told me. “That thing sucks as bad as a ten-cent whore on nickel night.”

Okay, she didn’t really say that, but she didn’t much like her Roomba and saw that I was all in a lather about them and so now I have her old robot vacuum. And thus microscopic flakes of her family’s DNA, which I can now use to biologically re-create them as clones in my own house, bwah ha ha ha HAAAA–

I’m sorry, I don’t know what my problem is today. I think it’s my shirt.

Anyway, I have used the Roomba in one room so far, our bedroom, and I am quite pleased with the results so far. The floor under the bed was totally dusty and after the Roomba was done: no dust! Awesome!

I don’t yet know how the Roomba will work on the rest of the house, but really I’m not sure if I even care, because I am greatly entertained by its cleaning process. It toodles around in this beetlelike manner, sweeping a weird little antenna arm around, and bonking gently off various surfaces. It scared JB a little when he walked into the bedroom, didn’t see it anywhere, and suddenly it was motoring out from underneath the chest of drawers and into his ankle. Best of all, it makes a happy little electronic sound when it’s done, which is just so cute – I don’t care if it is programmed by the U.S. government to change its primary directive from “clean” to “disembowel” in times of martial law, as JB seems to think.

So thanks, HS! I already like the Roomba, even if the cat is terrified and the dog is worried and the husband is suspicious and the boy is a little too interested in its cord.



38 Responses to “Things that suck”

  1. laura on August 11th, 2006 12:59 pm

    i heart robots

  2. laura on August 11th, 2006 1:00 pm

    holy cheesedoodle, I made the first comment!

  3. Rumblelizard on August 11th, 2006 1:02 pm

    You mean, all one has to do is declare on the Internet that one would like to try out a Roomba, and a Total Internet Stranger will send a roomba?


  4. angela on August 11th, 2006 1:04 pm

    if only they had a roomba that cleaned my carpet of those weird and mysterious stains that appear all the time. i know i didn’t spill anything, so why are there weird dark stains? even my scumbuster is no match for them now.

  5. JB on August 11th, 2006 1:06 pm

    my shirt smells today too. hurts.

  6. sunShine on August 11th, 2006 1:09 pm

    Awesome I need a Roomba too. I have totally done the laundry thing before. At least you could go and buy another shirt and change into it so you don’t have to smell all day.

  7. honeybecke on August 11th, 2006 1:14 pm

    my house is too damn cluttered to host the likes of a roomba. it would go like, three feet and be done because it got stuck under last nights costco run-(minus the refrigerated items. )

  8. honeybecke on August 11th, 2006 1:15 pm

    and the 2x laundry run is standard in this household. we are so fucking lazy.

  9. Kirsten on August 11th, 2006 1:18 pm

    oh girl, it is so not just you…we have endured the sour laundy funk too – in fact just the other day, I noticed that my hubs had piled a ton of CLEAN towels on the floor of the bathroom and when I asked him “what the hell?” – he grabbed one and shoved it in my face…to which I responded with a sheepish “oh”
    It’s really bad though – when you actually rewash everything – dry it with several dryer sheets and it STILL smells of the funk.

  10. Heather on August 11th, 2006 1:19 pm

    umm, that was a really, really funny entry. either that or i’ve had 3 diet cherry cokes and a dove bar (diet soda=ability to eat large amounts of chocolate, right? right?) and i’m flying high.

  11. vedjen on August 11th, 2006 1:27 pm

    aacck.. the horror. That smell of damp, stagnant, mushroom-growing threads is THE worst smell of all times and never fails to makes me gag. I work occasionally with this guy who always smells as if he cant properly wash his clothing and at every meeting he *gasp!* hugs me. Then I walk around for the rest of the day with smears of his smelliness on me. I need to wash (and fully dry) now just thinking of it.

  12. victoria on August 11th, 2006 1:29 pm

    Dag, you make that thing sound really cool. Might have to get one just to freak the dog out.

  13. Lisa V on August 11th, 2006 1:30 pm

    I think it smells like mold, and yes I’ve done it. You think what the hell is the weird smell and then you realize; me. Ew. Hate it.

  14. Adrien on August 11th, 2006 1:36 pm

    How did your pets like the Roomba? Mine no likey:

    But, I’ll be honest, I borrowed one just to freak them out.

  15. biodtl on August 11th, 2006 2:49 pm

    I’ve done it, too. More than once.

  16. Ezza on August 11th, 2006 4:37 pm

    We call that funk “Towel Smell” because it’s kinda like when you use a bath towel too many times between washes, only much, much worse!
    “Honey, this shirt has Towel Smell,” is said all too often in my house.

  17. Katie on August 11th, 2006 5:33 pm

    GREAT post. Well-written and hilarious.

  18. meeh on August 11th, 2006 6:45 pm

    What is it with this week? Had a shitty day too. Job interviews = fun! Please tell me HR ppl have a brain.

    Tail needs adornment, perhaps a bow or gold chains?

    I need chocolate.

  19. warcrygirl on August 11th, 2006 7:40 pm

    Be careful, if you leave your clothes in the washer like that too many times the tub will stink too and it’ll smell like Satan’s Jacuzzi everytime you do a load of laundry. If that happens you’ll need to fill the washer tub to the brim and add liquid bleach and let it soak. Also, next time just do a quick rinse with liquid fabric softener if the clothes in question haven’t fermented for too long.

    I totally want a Roomba now.

  20. Jennifer on August 11th, 2006 8:00 pm

    I had to re wash a load just tonight because it sat in the washer to long.. but sometimes if you leave it in way to long.. the smell will not go away. I remember once when I was pregnant I left a load in way to long and some of the shirts actually got mildew on them.. ick!!!!

  21. Amy on August 11th, 2006 9:04 pm

    I have those same tiles in my kitchen :) And if my husband would finally make good on his promise to refinish our oak floors I will be able to stop lusting after yours..

  22. Shana on August 11th, 2006 10:58 pm

    Hey, I have that carpet! Where’d you get it?
    Your kid looks adorable from behind too, and I’m glad to see he doesn’t have a tail. Unless it’s… hiding in his clothes? Ewww. OK, visual images go away. Thanks Sundry. Humpf.

  23. kara marie on August 12th, 2006 6:46 am

    I am the queen of leaving laundry in the machine waaaaaaaaay too long. Once it took three (three!) washes to get the stench out, and the guilt! Oh, the guilt. Using that much water because I can not remember the laundry I put in twenty minutes ago? Terrible.

    I also do this fun thing where I check the dryer compulsively every 30 seconds because I am horribly afraid a cat will get in there.

  24. Tammy on August 12th, 2006 1:11 pm

    Yeah…I hate that smell and my husband can’t smell it so he will stick stuff in the dryer anyway. Ugh. The best way to get rid of it is to add some vinegar to water when you rewash.

  25. lee on August 12th, 2006 7:58 pm

    one day you will walk in the room to find riley riding around on the roomba like it’s a magic flying carpet.

    the only thing worse than sour laundry with a million sheets of bounce is doing a squeeky clean load that turns out stinky, because your grown son put his funked up sweaty shirt in the dryer to take out the wrinkles and left behind a layer of invisible odiferousness.

    *note to internet fairies: please send me a roomba too!

  26. katie d on August 13th, 2006 8:02 am

    OH, VEDJEN. Why, why, why did you share that? I have the anti-hugs, and someone like that will always come along and hug me, or they smell like they marinated in like Polo, and then I walk around with Polo assailing me all day. It’s horrible. Flashbacks. Flashbacks!

    And oh yes, I have done the laundry forgetfulness too; that vinegar thing is good to know. I usually just rewash, and sometimes that doesn’t cut it.

  27. katie d on August 13th, 2006 8:04 am

    Also, I forgot to say that whale simile had be rolling. ROLLING.

  28. katie d on August 13th, 2006 8:04 am

    Dammit! Me. Had me rolling. ::sigh:: I have to go now.

  29. HollowSquirrel on August 13th, 2006 8:54 am

    Sorry about the sour stench…have unfortunately been there with the stale laundry. Glad you like (for now) the Roomba. May it continue to suck well. That photo really shows how much hair JB cut off of Riley’s noggin. Dang.

  30. stormy on August 13th, 2006 9:10 am

    I love my Roomba! I have hardwoods and man, it really does the trick on dust. Love. It.

  31. jonniker on August 13th, 2006 11:45 am

    I have done that laundry thing about 100 times, honestly, and every time I’m just so horrified by it that I swear I’ll never do it again, and then, bam, I get too busy and so on.

    I’m still afraid of the Roomba. A good friend of mine works there and is always trying to sell me on it, but I can’t! I can’t! I’m scared!

  32. jonniker on August 13th, 2006 11:47 am

    Ahp, yes, and I have that Mp3 shirt, too. I’ll admit, it kills me every time I wear it (today’s T-shirt is “Time Fades”, which for some reason is my favorite).

  33. Libby on August 13th, 2006 12:59 pm

    I’ve tried the vinegar thing, but I swear I can smell it a little bit and I feel like a salad (and not in a good way.) I added a cup of baking soda in with the detergent instead, and that did a great job of removing stubborn funk. Oh, and as long as I’m commenting, I thought I’d suggest Huggies Liquid Baby Powder – for Riley AND JB. It’s amazing stuff for anywhere that chafes.

  34. Ashley on August 14th, 2006 6:49 am

    Wow, look at all the tips! So glad you mentioned the laundry funk!

  35. omuchacha on August 14th, 2006 7:16 am

    I did the worst… funky baby laundry!! The smell nearly gagged me. When I insisted on rewashing, my husband said he couldn’t smell anything and said I was paranoid. Thanks for giving me ammunition to use to help convince him that I’m not crazy. Cuz really, do you want your baby smelling like that? I think not!

  36. Brooke on August 15th, 2006 12:34 pm

    *Stifles laughter but coworkers still think she’s nuts*

    We (I should say Chris) do that laundry thing all the time. We just rewash. But I’ll tell you, my former mother-in-law’s laundry ALWAYS smelled like that and it made me crazy! I never wanted her doing my laundry at her house, but how to you politely say someone’s laundry is funky?

  37. water softners on September 15th, 2006 1:43 pm

    water softners water softners

  38. Robot Vacuum Cleaner on June 29th, 2009 6:21 am

    Your blog Things that suck : All & Sundry was interesting when I found it on Monday by accident while searching for robot vacuum costco online. It’s funny what you could find on the internet sometimes. I’d have to agree on what you have to say, although it may seem like a wrong choice, but nontheless an interesting subject. Enough said, keep up the good work my friend!

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