Aug
24
August 24, 2006
First: a can of Budweiser, stolen from my grandparents’ refrigerator and consumed while hidden among sand dunes on the Lake Michigan shore. Maybe twenty years ago or more. It was metallic, cold, bitter, delicious.
In high school, forty-ounce bottles of cheap high-octane beer. Old English 800. “Old E”, we called it. Swilled and passed from hand to hand, the bottom of the bottle always warm and flat and tasting of someone else’s saliva. Bottles of wino wine: Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill.
Early twenties: six-packs of Henry Weinhard, the green bottles. Microbrews. In the winter, Snow Cap Ale (”Go to jail ale”). Sweet Riesling. Chardonnay. Red wine. A progression of the palate, of the minimum requirements.
Crown Royal and 7-UP. Beam and Coke. Bacardi Limon and Diet Coke. Absolut Mandarin and ginger ale. Beer. Beer. Pitchers. Pints. Imperial pints. Grey Goose. Dirty martinis. Shots. Tequila, lime, salt. Margaritas. On the rocks. Blended. Tanq-and-tonics. Double, please. Better make it a double.
Then: vodka, vodka, vodka. Because it’s easier to mask on your breath, because I could tolerate it straight. Blue Skyy bottles, clear Absolut bottles; later, plastic pint bottles of the cheapest gut-burning garbage. Hidden in drawers, in purse pockets, under cabinets, poured into unsuspicious containers.
At my worst I would get up in the morning and feel sickened through and through, I felt like I had an internal rot like a dying tree. Everything was dirty, everything was black and hateful, and I knew exactly what had caused it all and yet I would check the bottle levels, look and look again, because if there wasn’t enough I would have to get more, more, more. Get through the worst of the day by thinking of the bottle. Take the first drink and for the first time in hours the mental shouting quiets, the self-hatred is dialed down, the pounding headache starts to retreat.
Over and over. Get up and do it again. Drinking at work, while driving a car.
Sometimes I would get drunk and cry and try to write down why it wasn’t working and why I should remember, the next day, that it wasn’t worth the pain and the lying and the endless life-fuckery. I’d read my blurry scrawl the next day, take three Excedrin, drive to the liquor store.
It was like being with someone who beats you senseless every night, leaves you bloody and gasping, and waking up every day to kiss him hello. I wanted to stop. I wanted to drink until I disappeared. I wanted to physically gouge out the sickness from my body.
I saw no end. No possible end.
Antabuse. Therapy. Drugs. Threats. Nothing worked.
Then: a DUI. A horrible, expensive, shameful, life-altering legal mess. A night in jail. Fines. Court appearances. I can’t bear to describe it in detail.
Then: a pregnancy. The best thing that’s ever happened in my life.
I never drank when I was pregnant with Riley. That is probably not something to be particularly proud of, but I am.
I don’t drink today. I am only able to write about this now because it is at bay, it is a safe distance away. I feel strong. I feel I am on top of it. I don’t want to numb myself, I don’t want to re-visit that hell, I have so much to live for now. I want to remember every moment, I want to be clear and present.
There are long periods of time when I do not think about drinking at all. I spent years of my life chasing the next drink in my head, being eaten alive from hour to hour by something I could not control. I can’t begin to explain the freedom of not thinking about drinking.
I am scared to post this.
But I am telling you this because to tell the story is to accept its truth. To lay it out where it can be seen, to admit to this part of myself, and help diminish its power over me.
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146 Responses to “Ugly”
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Thank you so much for sharing with us. You have reminded me today that I am not alone.
Aww, Linda. So proud of you. And I mean that more than I can convey in a silly note.
it doesn’t make you who you are. you are still the same funny, sweet, self depreciating person you were before. the urge to say you are brave is there but perhaps I dont want to enforce the idea that the truth is bad or scary or defines you. you are a better mother and wife for what happened. I wish you the continued strength to survive this.
I think I will not be the only person to say how brave you are.
Or how much I have thought about you in odd hours and days, since the time you initially ‘went public’ with this issue back at diaryland, wondering how you were doing with it, hoping you were doing well.
Thank you for sharing this. Truly. I know you will help someone with it. You are awesome and a half.
Linda = courageous
I have four months.
And it’s because of what you posted, more than a year ago, that I finally looked at myself and started to admit that it was ruining my life.
So thank you.
Thank you for not being afraid to share this with us, with your readers, with the whole internet. I think you’re a beatiful person, even though I only know you through this blog. I started reading regularly just before Riley came into the picture, but you’ve grown into yourself so wonderfully since then. It takes courage to write the way you write. So thank you, again, a million times.
It damn well IS something to be particularly proud of that you never drank while you were pregnant. Addiction is an impossibly hard thing to overcome, and you did it for that period of time. Keep on giving him that gift - keep doing it, for his sake, if not for yours. I know you will. You are a good mother.
So much courage, both now and then.
Congratulations on ending the co-dependent relationship.
You wrote an entry about this about two years ago, maybe more. It was before you got pregnant. That was a big part of my deciding the time had come to get my act together and start acting like a grownup. I’ve never thanked you for that, so I’m doing it now. I don’t drink anymore, but the memories came back very vividly as I read what you wrote here. I am very proud of both of us.
Several members of my family are alcoholics. Those that don’t have addictions, just can’t fathom how powerful they are. I am proud of you. You should be too.
You are a hell of a strong woman. I have no doubt that you will stay on top. I know how hard that was to write but you still did it.
You’re awesome. Riley is lucky to have such a strong and honest mama!
Powerful–you and this entry.
I remember, also, that entry you wrote a couple of years ago…and I thought, “hmmmm…” because I recognized myself. Thank you for the wake up call.
You are not ugly, and neither am I.
We are strong.
I’m sure that I can say that we are all proud of you. YOU should be proud of YOU!!! To not drink while pregnant is definitely something you should be proud of. “Not every problem has a solution; some problems just have to be survived “
You are my hero.
Thank you for sharing this - your bravery and strength are an inspiration.
A good friend of mine is dealing with recovering from alcoholism right now and reading your post made me understand, just a little better, what might be going on inside her head. For that, I thank you. And way to go, woman. You’re awesome.
You are so great! Thank you for sharing your story. You should be proud - over coming a disease like this can take a life time to over come, and some don’t ever do that. HUGS to you, JB and that beautiful baby Rielly!
Awesome, Linda. I know how hard it is to write things that make you uncomfortable, but it really is true that those things, along with all the happy fun entries, are what show that we’re human. This is the kind of entry that will help others, which is really cool.
I have never had an addiction to alcohol, but I am familiar with the feelings (I imagine?), because I have been a slave to OCD, which is a bitch. And I have really worked on letting go of it, too, and I know what you mean about the freeing feeling of not thinking about the compulsions anymore, whether it’s the compulsion to have the next drink or to wash your hands raw.
I’m really happy for you that you’re doing so well! Congratulations!
the truth will set you free…thanks for posting that.
You should be proud of not drinking. You know the hell that it put you through. You should be proud of not drinking while pregnant. You made a choice to not harm tiny unborm Riley. You should be proud of the independent, smart, witty, soulful person you are - without the alcohol. Keep it up and don’t ever crawl back into the bottle. Your life has blossomed away from it. You should be proud.
Wow. You are so powerful. Thank you for posting your experience.
Thank you.
I’ve been reading your writing for a few years now, and am so happy to be able to read about where you are now. I needed to read this today, as a friend of mine overdosed on perscription pain meds and died yesterday. It helps to read this, grit and all.
I remember the post from years ago, too. Thank you for the update.
When I read “I am scared to post this” I thought: “Wow. I would be too. It takes courage.” But the truth is, after reading this post, I only liked you more. And, judging by the comments above, it looks like I’m not alone in that opinion. It’s funny (and sad) how we think the truth will alienate us from others but really it’s what lets others come in.
As always, love your writing!
Wow. Just……….wow.
I wish you continued strength, continued courage, continued honesty. Thank you for posting this.
Echoing the above posts, thank you for sharing, powerful stuff.
Powerful and inspiring.
You better damn well be proud of yourself….you gave your son the greatest possible gift by not drinking…. proving that love does equal strength. You are an amazing person and an even more amazing mother.
Hugs to you, Riley and to JB.
Hugs and thank you. Addiction is a beast.
I think almost everyone has been touched in some way by addiction. Someone like you is an inspiration, and just sharing that might have (sorry to be dramatic) even saved a life. As always, thank you for your amazing writing.
You are an incredibly brave person-no, an incredibly brave *woman*. Riley is very lucky to have such a brave mama.
Continue to be brave. Remain strong.
i am proud of you.
for not drinking, for talking/writing, for finding more to live for.
it can be pretty hard sometimes to do any of these things, let alone all of them.
there is no should or shouldn’t feel proud about something. well, i suppose people do feel that way sometimes, but i think that everything is it’s own unique case.
you are proud of you- that is great.
i am proud of you too.
I can’t say anymore than what’s already been said so I’ll just be as succinct as possible: Kudos to you.
Good for you for baring your soul to us, the internet army. You are very brave. Please show this entry to Riley when he is a teenager so he can learn from your lessons.
Isn’t is amazing how having another beautiful creature to live for can make all of the difference in the world? Isn’t it a relief not to have it ALL be about you?
Your words resonate so much and I just have to say that you are a warrior mamma and Riley and your boy are lucky to have you.
Congratulations, you are a mamma.
riley has an awesome mom.
You are an absolutely incredible lady.
your post is awesome, you write wonderfully, you are brave and strong. i, too, drank and drank and drank vodka for the same reasons you stated, it took me until my son was 5 to stop, after a visit to the mental ward floor of my local hospital. It’s been 8 years. but, unlike you, i think about drinking all the time, whenever someting goes wrong, the first thing i think is, ‘i need a drink’. I don’t drink, tho. I’m thinking right now if there has been a day gone by that i don’t think about vodka. the need is less sharp, less things stress me, the want always gives way to more important things in my life, my son, hubby, etc. battling alcoholism is an everyday, every hour struggle. like you, i say the same thing ” I don’t want to re-visit that hell, I have so much to live for now. I want to remember every moment, I want to be clear and present.” Your not alone.
I think we all wondered how you were doing with not drinking, and I know we are all glad that you are not.
And I know that we are all glad that you were not hurt while you were dui.
My father who is a recovered alcoholic disappeared on us once, and we couldn’t find him for days and days. He was in a motorhome no less, not exactly the easiest thing to hide, drive or disappear in, but he did. Finally the PD in a small town found him and told him to go home, we were worried about him.
He never showed up, and we started that way to find him, and found him passed out on the side of the road, still inside.
But, there was front end damage to the motorhome. We never found out who or what he hit, there was no blood, but he didn’t remember hitting anything, and still doesn’t to this day. There were no hit and run drivers reported in the area, and he didn’t have that many miles on the rv.
So.
My point is, it is good that Riley will not grow up and have to worry about his mom that way. It is good that JB has a wife that he loves and is proud of and that he doesn’t have to worry about. And it is good that you realized that not only were you affecting yourself, you were affecting everyone around you too, and CHOSE to do something about it. Our toughest critics and worst enemies are ourselves, and you’ve survived yourself. You have not only given birth to Riley, but yourself as well, and when you look at him, see who you have become. So very much more.
I empathize, and also I am impressed: I don’t know how you did it, I don’t know how you stopped.
I don’t know you, yet I am SO proud of you. Way to go!
And thanks for sharing your story.
What they said.
And, what I said, but silently, because I’m not as brave as you.
Funny that you post this today, I was just at the post office and I overheard a woman on the phone talking about a friend of hers who was found last night passed out in the bushes, she had blacked out. This first thing thru my mind when I hear of things like this is “that could have been me”. It has been a long time but I think everyday how I decided to stop, this decision came the week after my older sister died (her death was from complications caused by anorexia) and I decided that if I went down the road I was on my funeral would be the next. These things were long ago, but the thoughts are there everyday and everyday I look at what I have and know for sure that I am exactly where I want to be. So thank you for reminding me again that I made the right decision. You are one kick-ass strong woman and not only is Riley lucky but so is JB. And so are we.
My demons are not your demons, but I empathize and am very glad you made it through that particular long, dark tunnel. Keep fighting the good fight.
I actually feel lucky just to know you. Could I love you more after this? No. No, I could not.
Thank you for your courage. I have a brother who is a recovering alcoholic. He remarried without his wife knowing. When she found, she told him to get help or she would leave. She also said she would not have married him had she know. He started in middle school and quit in his late forties. The physcial damage is great, but the recovery is a beautiful thing to see. His love for his wife and your love for your baby made the difference.
It may be odd that a stranger is proud of you, but I am. I wish that my brother could be at the same point as you.
You Rock! Thank you for sharing.
Your entry today is simple and exquisite and sublime. Well spoken, and it absolutely rings with truth.
brava.
Linda, I want to tell you that your posts about the subject have made me think about my own relationship with alcohol, and realize that it’s not entirely healthy. My father, grandfather, uncles on both side, and sister are all alcoholics, and while I don’t think I’m there yet, I was starting to look forward to the next drink a little too much, even though I hated the way I felt the next day. I didn’t drink that often, but once I got started, I had no ability to stop until I was passed out.
You made me realize that a person is never too young, too female, or too “together” to have a problem with drinking, and I’ve quit while I’m still ahead. So thank you for sharing… You’ve obviously made a difference in a lot of lives, and that’s something you should be proud of, in addition to your own sobriety.
I know I don’t really know you, but I think I understand more than you’ll ever know. I was 20 years old when I got a DUI. I’d been drinking for years, but only driving for two weeks. I kept going for about six months after that and, somehow, instead of ending up dead in a ditch like I sometimes wonder if I should have, I wound up pregnant (and alone and scared) with my daughter. It was terrifying. It was amazing. It was life altering. I’ve never looked back.
It’s hard. It’s really, really hard. And all the more credit goes out to you for actually being able to voice what once made you weak, yet helped you reach some of your greatest strengths.
Hey, have I ever mentioned that I have a huge internet girl-crush on you?
Thanks for posting that, you are an inspiration. Your post will no doubt help others and makes me like you all the more :)
I am *proud* of you for posting this; I can’t even imagine how hard it has got to be. Your battle has been harder than most and it’s a privilege to see where you are now: a beautiful son, a stable home and happiness. Watching my dad go through the progression you described (it is alarmingly similar) and knowing that you have had the courage and strength to turn it all around, well, it leaves me speechless (and very sniffly). You’ve given a priceless gift to yourself and your family.
Hello! I found your blog a few weeks ago and today’s posting was so incredible. I grew up in a bad situation with my own mother, who was an alcoholic, and I have felt much anger at her over the years. I never,until reading your post, thought about how she possibly felt, and struggled, through all of this. Thanks for giving me a new perspective. You are awesome and entertaining, and it is so great that you are where you are. Keep it up for your amazing son. You can do it!
Phenomenal post. I’ve always been an observer in my life and have watched many people go thru various addictions in their lives. Thank you for letting me in on just a little of what is running thru their heads.
Oh wow thanks Sundry for being so honest. It really rang a bell with me because a lot of that behaviour rings true in my own life. Thankyou, I’m sure you are helping a lot of people by posting that.
Thank you. I wish I wasn’t drunk right now. I wish I was as strong as you are. I wish.
My mother was a lifelong alcoholic…well almost. She quit drinking in her last years because to do so meant being able to see her grandson. In the end, the years of drinking and smoking created one of the worst and most perilous cancers one can get: oral. If flowered in her mouth and wouldn’t go away. Skilled surgeons removed her teeth, her tongue and part of her throat because she insisted she wanted to live and this surgery would mean a few more months at most. Only 3% of all oral cancer patients agree to this surgery, most choose an earlier death. In the end the surgery didn’t save her. The cancer came back, grew, and prospered. The time I spent nursing her, I’m sad to say, is the closest my mother and I ever got to really loving each other in our entire lives.
Each one of us kids is a virtual teetotaler. We despise drink and avoid it, for the most part because we saw, from early childhood, what it did to the most important person in our lives.
I never understood the drive, the addiction, what made it so hard to give up. I want to thank you for giving me a glimpse of that, because my mom was once your age with babies in the house. Us.
I love my mother. She’s one of the most courageous people I’ve ever known. For years I couldn’t forgive her for choosing the bottle over me. So thanks for this.
And I hope you know how precious and strong and courageous you are for the choice you’ve made. The choice is always there. It is a choice, but it’s not an easy one.
Thank you for this. I also recall vividly the entry you wrote over a year ago and seeing myself in that entry, knowing already that I was on my way to having a problem, and feeling so relieved that I was not alone. You’d think the red wine blackouts would’ve been the wake-up call but no, it was your blog entry. I have been with no alcohol for 5 weeks now, after a long and slow tapering off of the drinking and am completely and utterly in love with waking up sober, reading sober, driving sober, attending parties sober. I go for days on end forgetting that alcohol is even a drink option. This is what being a kid was like–I’d forgotten! On my honeymoon in Japan in one month’s time , I do plan on drinking some sake here and there but it doesn’t scare me. I know that I can return home and continue sobriety with an amazing ease that I have never possessed before. I know I have the control and don’t plan on letting it go any time soon. As I said, I’m in love!
I was an addict for many years, not of alcohol. But it really doesn’t matter what it is. When you concquer it. It’s big. My daughter is 19, she is an alcoholic. I don’t know how or when that happened.
I’m so very proud of you Linda. And so very happy for J.B. and Riley. They are the lucky ones.
I heart you Linda. I know it was hard to post. I’m so glad you did.
all i can say is “thank you”. thank you for honesty and truth. my ex-husband had 2 DUI’s before our divorce. i can’t say i was a saint either. i’m 25 and i’ve been reading your journal for a while. while it’s full of humor, it is also full of life. i know you will look back and read all of it one day and it has inspired me to write or record important things in my life, to be happy and inspired! : )
Wow. I had no idea. Keep that toxin out of your happy life. And keep it away from Riley too.
Long time reader, but I lurk alot. First standing o on not drinking especially during pregnancy (and he is so cute). I do know you were clean and sober before you convieved but still nice job aways . second I have to say your writing has become so honest lately and so sharing very wonderful to read. Weather you want to see this or not you are a role model to other people who wish they could find a way to say No more to booze.
I think it takes alot to stirp the onion layers in life and be able to share experiences so alot of us can say hey I am not alone. Thank you for sharing. Dina in michigan
I’m so proud of what you have fought with and continue to fight with AND your ability to share it. As I read this I realized my own addiction is just as bleak and dark, only mine is completely legal (food.) Believe it or not, you just opened my eyes to what I myself need to admit and work on. Thank you for sharing and being honest. Thank you for also showing that you can hit bottom and work your way back up if you are willing to do the work ~
You should be proud of yourself. Riley is lucky to have such a strong and courageous mother, and you are such a wonderful role model for him. It’s amazing to read these comments and see how many people you’ve helped by posting about this. You are incredibly brave.
For someone who has experienced such pain, it shows how far you have come by having such an amazing gratitude for where you are at now and what you have, its not that I don’t love my kids or appreciate them but you seem to have your eyes opened so wide and your mind is recording all of this in a deeper passion than mine ever could–don’t know if that’s because I never experienced something so life-altering but it makes me happy for you to have the joy you do from Riley and the life you have now. Someday Riley will know what an amazing mom you are…good luck!!
You’re very brave. Thank you for sharing this. I agree with everyone else - Riley has an awesome mom, for sure.
I think you’re very brave to have written this. Not drinking is one of the hardest things to do. Keep doing it, though. You have a lot of folks out here rooting for you. Best of luck to you. -J
brave is what you are. acknowleding and changing your behavior was truly courageous. i come from a family of addicts, both recovered and still active and i know how hard it can be. congratulations. :)
Alcoholism is a cunning and powerful disease, and anyone who comes out of it free and strong is a HERO. I grew up with an alchoholic father (sober now for fifteen years, bless his heart) and I fought my own addiction and came out the other side. I know the despair of being in the grip of the addiction, and I know the joy of being free of it’s chains. Words can’t really express how awesome it is to see you free, because I remember when shared a little with us quite some time ago from a completely different place. To see you happy and with such a beautiful family really expands my heart Sundry. You are an inspiration in many ways and you truly deserve every happiness that life has to offer. Thank you for sharing that.
Linda you are an amazing awesome woman. This was an incredible entry to read, and I am sure many people are inspired by you. You should be proud. Being able to stop, no matter what the reason, is always an accomplishment.
JB and Riley are so lucky to have you. :)
You are an awesome writer and a very strong and interesting woman.
Everything you do, you do BALLS OUT HONEST. Best to you.
I am so happy for you. thank you for sharing this with us. you are not alone. give that little boy of yours a big hug!
When people open themselves up and honestly tell what their struggles are, it helps others. I know that it is not easy to do that, so I applaud you. Your open and honest entries are what I come here for (well, and the Riley pictures….) You should be proud of yourself! You have looked your demons in the eye and dragged them into the light which will make them powerless. It is the guilt and shame of a secret that gives it power.
I’ve commented before but dont want passerbys to recognize who this is from, so I’m “anonymous.” I wanted to tell you I spent several years going to AlaTeen meetings due to an alcoholic mother. I drove her home several times before I was the legal age to drive. We were raised by my dad but spent every other weekend with her, at a bar.
So, for Riley? I thank you and wish my mother had been as strong and brave. This is an amazing piece and I respect you and wish you constant strength because I know it’s not easy.
brave lady, we love you.
Beautiful entry. I am glad you’ve been able to stay strong. Everyone has their demons- it’s just a question of whether we’ve got the strength to overcome them. Sounds like you’re doing a good job!
“I never drank when I was pregnant with Riley. That is probably not something to be particularly proud of, but I am.”
That IS the part to be proud of, that you loved your son enough to do the most difficult thing - give up something that controls people’s lives.
I have so much respect for everyone who has kicked the habit - whichever habit it was. I was never a drinker. I chose to do drugs, and in the end I was shooting meth into my arms. I got lucky, got busted, and had an aunt offer me a sanctuary, a place where I could get away from all of those temptations.
So congratulations, we’re proud of you too.
Thank you for sharing - I could relate to so much of what you said. I stopped drinking in 1999 and it has been the best decision. Reading your post took me back to a number of times in my life. It kinda almost sounds like fun when you think of it, but then you have to be reminded that for some people, we can’t just leave it at ‘fun’ - it goes beyond, and that ain’t cool. So congratulations to you for recognizing that and changing, all for the better….you and your family must be so proud!
You are an amazing person. I’m so proud of you. You’ve been through a personal hell and lived to tell about it. I think your determination to not drink while pregnant is admirable and courageous, because I’m sure there were excuses gnawing at you to just have a little. Stand tall, beautiful woman.
Good for you. Be proud of your accomplishments!
Thank you ma’am. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing that with us. You write with such humanity, and I am always grateful and humbled by your honesty.
As the child of an alcoholic mother who negated the whole of my childhood with her actions - all I can possibly do is to say an enormous “Thank You” on behalf of Riley for your actions.
You should be proud of yourself! So very, very proud!
My dad quit drinking 15 some years ago. He says the urge is still there. He can talk about it to anyone. (His talking about alcoholism to us, his children, has persuaded us to not take “a drink” as just “a drink.” I think it’s helped us a lot. It would be easy for me to get carried away, but he’s instilled that bad taste about it-so to speak.) I think it’s wonderful he can remind himself what it was doing to him and what it could have done to our family. I think it keeps him in check.
I admire both of you for being able to openly talk about this and remain strong enough to fight it everyday.
The gift you have given Riley of a life free of a mother consumed by alcohol is immeasurable. You’ve given the same gift to yourself. I wish I knew what it takes to make the decision not to drink again–I know it’s not simply that you choose to stop, since addiction is a stranglehold one doesn’t choose in the first place. It chooses you. You are a strong and courageous woman.
I don’t know you, but I’m proud of you. Thanks for posting this.
We’re all so proud of you. What you did takes a lot of courage, and I admire you immensely.
Thank you for this wonderful entry.
You are so awesome.
One of the best things I’ve read in a while. You are amazing and courageous.
What an honest, real and beautiful post. You should be so incredibly proud of yourself.
I could repeat what every other person has said. You are courageous beyong belief in admitting what you have, both now and inthe past. The fact that you were able to turn your life around for Riley depicts your great love and all of the comments above shows your great friendships. I think that all of these things are things that you can be proud of.
I am a child of a recovering alcholoic.
It is with this experience, and the birth of my son that I thank you on Riley’s behalf.
You are BRAVE
You are a ROLE MODEL
Linda — thank you for this. For me it is very timely; I’m about to put the bottle down (again), and I’m looking forward to it. Made it 6 months last year and I miss the days of clarity and calm. Thank you for your courage and selflessness by sharing this — I’m sure it was difficult. But this is one of the many reasons I read you every time you post. You are the only blogger I can say that about. I LOVE YA, MAN!
You are amazing.
I started reading your blog over a year ago, I got hooked. I felt there was something so special about you and about your life. I was thrilled to have a glimpse into it, kind of share it. I never knew or had any idea of the things you have been through or battled. Knowing these things makes you even more real, even easier to relate to than before, somehow. It really helps when you realize that you are not the only one who has struggled with depression, self doubt and just angst in general. I know that you don’t share it for that reason, but more from a recovery aspect…but the effects of your sharing are real. Just wanted you to know that. We all support you, as much as we can from a computer screen, but we do.
Just want to reiterate others and say that you are indeed amazing, and your words are so powerful and honest. You give me hope.
My family has a fine tradition of drinking oneself to death.
Not everyone stops in time– you should be proud of knowing you needed to change and proud of making changes in your life.
You’ll fight this forever, but you’re not alone.
You should never be afraid to speak the truth, no matter how ugly you think it might be. When the truth is finally out in the open it never seems quite as bad as it did when it was hidden. I’m happy for you! Congratulations!
Wow. I’m impressed by your courage and honesty. I’m so glad that you are on top of it, and that you always find the will and way to stay on top of it.
wow you are awesome. for looking at your self truthfully and writing about it too.
thanks for being so courageous.
I was so proud of you when you quit drinking. I don’t think any of us, your readers, knew how bad it was. I am happy for you, and I hope you continue to be clear and present.
I have been reading your blog for quite some time now and I’ve always lurked, never commented.
I always start my day by reading your blog. Today I stopped and decided to comment because you need to know how many people you touch with your words. You are brave, strong and wonderful. Don’t forget that.
As the child of an alcoholic, I think becoming healthy and sober parent may be the best gift you could have given to your son, your family and probably to yourself too. Congratulations on being strong enough and brave enough to do it.
I admire your honesty. I admire your ability to be real. I admire your ability to put yourself out there and not look back or beg for approval. I’ve only read your blog for a short amount of time, but your writing and willingness to give us a perspective that is memorable and eye-opening is a true gift. Thank you.
This entry sent chills down my spine. My bf is going through this. Except over the course of eight years he has racked up three DUIs ,spent several nights in jail, a stint in detox and had countless black-outs, he’s still drinking.
I wonder if he’ll ever get better. I wonder what its going to take for him to stop.
I too remember your entry from Diaryland a few years ago. I have to say that you are one of my personal heroes. I hope to someday be a wonderful wife and mother just as you are. Seeing how many souls out there you’ve helped by posting this has moved me to tears. Kudos to you for beating that demon. JB and Riley are very lucky.
It’s funny how we spend so much time and effort to hide the “Ugly” when, in the end, its what binds us together. We all have an ugly side of some kind. We just can’t/wont/don’t always summon the courage to acknowledge and deal with it - much less share our hard won experiences.
I’ve been fortunate enough not to be touched adversely by alcohol or drugs so I thank you for sharing the “inside” view. Congrats for having the strength to face your problems and the strength to share your battles.
I’ve never commented before, but I read you every.single.day. I wanted to thank you for sharing your story. It’s amazing how a persons journey in life can help others that have never even met them. Reading the comments to this entry blows my mind. Your honesty has given hope to others. Through the telling of your story, you’ve given complete strangers the courage to stand up and follow in your footsteps. Most importantly, you’ve given yourself a chance at life.
I admire you, Linda. I’ve never been in your shoes exactly, but I’ve lived it. My father was an addict. To this very day, my mother still is. As a child, I was often scared, and alone. My parents divorced before I ever knew them together. My mom and dad were there, but they weren’t there. I thought they didn’t love me. For a long time, I just didn’t understand. I couldn’t have. When I was finally able to realize the ugliness of the situation, I lived in constant fear. I thought they were going to die. It was hard, but it’s done now. I suppose the blessing in disguise for me is that rather than making the same mistakes as they did, I was able to see them as an example. I am 21 now, and I love my parents very much, despite the damage they’ve done. I can’t judge them though, because I’ve never been there. I can and will do everything in my power to take a different road. To NOT follow in their footsteps. A couple decades, and three babies later, my mother still chooses the drugs over her children. It’s sad really. The older they get, the more I see that she’ll probably never learn. Not until she’s missed her chance anyway.
Riley is one lucky little boy. His mother has realized the importance of life. Her own life. His life. Life as a family. You really only get one chance. Look at you, you’re taking full advantage. I am sure that he will be forever greatful of his life, and his clear-minded parents. You will too, when you look back without regret. I hear that we grow up too fast.
Thank you again for letting us in. Thank you for giving Riley the best chance at life that you could have.
If the stresses of the first year of your child’s life won’t drive you to drink, I don’t know what will. :> Keep on with the good stuff. We’re all so amazed by your talent, drive, character, and sense of humor. I want to be you when I grow up.
What a powerful message. Thanks. As I read your posting, I relived my life through your words. Vodka was my “lover” also, and shared a very intimate, abusive relationship with me for almost 20 years. I too was spiralling down the dark abyss of self-hatred and loathing.
This year I spent 11 days of hell in a medical detox and 30 days & nights in a residential rehab program. I am finally sober, for once in my life. One thing I remember from rehab was the comment that “Our addictions are a symptom of our need to fill a hidden emotional void or trauma”.
I know that for me the work has just begun, but you’re right. It is great seeing life and the things around us with such clear thoughts and vision and not through an alcohol induced fog or paranoia .
Congrats on your strength and insight. You’re not alone.
That brought me to tears. You are so brave and you were able to get on with your life instead of having it ruin yours. I wish my sister could have been so lucky. There is still hope. She has lost everything, including her 3 children. Her drinking has lead to drup abuse and who knows what else. Thank you for sharing that, I know it wasn’t easy. Riley and JB are lucky to have you!
I had wondered. I’ve been there, too.
This reminds me that no matter how frequent a blogger posts, or how frequent we read, we’ll never understand the 360 of their real lives. Thank you for your writing.
You are beautiful inside and out. You may not know all of us but you have a big support group here. We love you for your faults as much as your strengths. And I know JB and Riley love you beyond words. Thank you for sharing your inner depths…you are not alone.
How did JB handle your addiction?
Thanks.
I’m so 100% impressed by and amazed at you. Thank you for such beautiful openess. It only makes the rest of us - in our own journeys - feel more beautiful, too. Thank you.
Hi Linda - It was good to read your post and realize what it was about you that I liked all this time. I’m telling you I can smell out other alcoholics like nobody’s business. Your story is my story, totally. I thought that my pregnancy would end all of my drinking worries but unfortunately, it did not. I have relapsed a number of times since I had my little boy and I still struggle to fight that daily urge. I am happy for you that you don’t feel the urge to drink - I wish it had been lifted from me. The fight can be draining, but it is certainly worth it, as you know!!
I just want to encourage you to remain vigilant to those insidious feelings that begin to tell you that “hey, a drink would make me feel better.” Sometimes those thoughts creep in on me before I even realize it and I am planning how to get it, when I will drink it, how much trouble I will get in, the possible aftermath - you know the drill. Our disease never stops, even in moments when we are not feeling obsessed. I’ve had several years of sobriety at different times but every time I relapse, my disease is worse and I sink to lower lows.
I am a true believer that alcoholism is a progressive disease. Someone once said to me that while I am being sober and working on recovery, my disease is my head doing push ups and gaining strength, just waiting patiently for my guard to fall so that it can take over again. I like that imagery and I hope it is useful to you.
You are courageous and you should feel good about what you’re doing and I am very glad to know all of this about you. Just remain ever watchful because I know from experience that it can take you down when you least expect it. Best wishes for you and your family. I bet my husband and JB could talk some good shit about us!!!!!
darling. you are one of so many. some of us drink and some of us destroy ourselves in other ways. it will never leave you completely - it is tattoed on your soul and in your senses - but having tasted it and turned away you are experiencing and will continue to experience a birth and a phoenix flame that so many miss in the in between of black and white. having taken that bitter pill and chosen a different way your eyes have been opened and you have become so much larger a soul than you would have been on an easier road. thank you for sharing it - keep remembering it - and thank god for it
Have had an incredibly shitty day of dealing with ‘you’re not qualified’, ‘couldn’t handle that’, ‘that company is ‘picky’. blah blah, employment gap, blah blah. Then I surf on in here for some relief and totally forgot that I had read you earlier. You give me courage to keep going too. Why can’t more people be real? You are incredibly awesome, rescued me twice today. Thank you so much.
An afterthought (I’ve been thinking about you!) about a book I bet you’ve already read but just in case you have not…
Drinking…A Love Story by Caroline Knapp. Get it - you will read it cover to cover overnight. Caroline’s story is riveting and you will be amazed over and over as you see yourself in her. Not to mention - she is a fabulous writer (like you). Unfortunately, I heard that Caroline died a few years ago from cancer, the same disease that took her mother. I actually cried when I heard - that is how much her book means to me! She left us all a wonderful gift so if you haven’t read it, run out immediately and get it!
That goes for everyone who has an alcoholic in their life - even my husband read it. s
welcome to your life (the good one!)
you deserve it. :)
Congratulations on your continued sobriety. It is truly the greatest gift to you and your family. I hope your strength and joy build with each passing day.
Needs a retitling. This sort of truth is beautiful. You are beautiful. And, reading how many folks have been inspired to change their own uglies from here, gotta say that’s damned beautiful too.
I came here directly after writing a short post about a kid I know who seems headed in the same direction. I hope he can raise himself up the way you have done. You seem much happier now.
I think honesty is awesome. It shows the real you…you know the one that has faults just like everyone else. I just posted about my own addiction on my blog a couple weeks ago. It was 4 entries long and it felt so good to get it off my chest. I was not judged and that was awesome to feel understood. Congrats. You have made it very far!
Good post.
Sundry, I’ve been reading since before you ever posted about going on antabuse a few years back. You never made it sound that bad. Yes of course when someone goes on drugs to stop drinking you assume there’s a problem. I had no idea. I’m so sorry it got so ugly for you and so happy that it’s better now.
I’m so proud of you and only love you all the more for sharing your story. Which I’ll admit is a bit crazy since we don’t know each other!
For me it was meth. crystal/glass/smoke/speed. If I couldn’t be pretty I could be useful. And if I was useful, it was better to be useful all night. And if I wasn’t asleep, then there’d be nobody sneaking into my room. And no more rape. We all have our demons, and we all choose to fight them different ways. I’ll be 9 years sober in october. I’m proud of you.
Addiction sucks. You are a brave, strong, beautiful woman. Thank you for sharing.
I would read you on and off before you became pregnant with Riley, but I sensed something changed at that point. I’m so glad it was this change. You’ve grown and you’ve strengthened and through it all you’ve had JB — you have a blessed, wonderful life. I’m glad you’re protecting it. And I’m glad you’ve shared this, too, because maybe it will help someone else to make the same change, to protect themselves. You’re a wonderful woman, Linda.
You are awesome for sharing this. We are all proud of you.
(comment number bazillion)
Wow. Thank you for sharing — I wish you the best…
As with everything you write on this site, it is well written and powerful (well, it’s a little more powerful than the snakes on a plane review, but you know what I mean).
Wow. I don’t know if you’re doing the AA thing, but when I read your story I can’t help but think of the little signs up in my stepmom’s house saying, “one day at a time.” That’s the only way it can be done, and you should be proud that you’re doing it.
Hi
G’night
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