January 30, 2007

Tell me, how can something that’s so spectacularly cute cause so much pain?

deathbyshoes.jpg

High school boyfriends, rabies-infested Angora bunnies, and Steve Madden heels: CRIMES AGAINST NATURE.

They look so benign, too. Low heels, gently rounded toe, there’s nothing there that should make my feet feel like I’ve drunk the Sea Witch’s potion, and yet my every step in these devil-shoes is one of limping agony. I foolishly wore these this morning and even though I traded them in for flats before I left the house, I’m still gimpy.

I am Barbaro. Call the glue farm.

I wore those fucking shoes for one night in San Francisco three weeks ago, and I still have scabs on my toes. My apologies for using the word “scab” in a non-union-focused blog entry because, well, ew, but that’s what the hell they are: SCABS. From an ill-advised three-block journey which left my feet so destroyed I actually walked through the hotel barefoot, despite a vivid mental image of the unseen hotel carpet detritus I was moseying over (Eluviation Layer: Various Bits of Street Filth; Regolith Layer: Dogshit Particles and Human Skin Flakes; Bedrock Foundation: Sputum, Sputum, Sputum). I put them on today because I am apparently so mouth-breathingly stupid I believe that a pair of severely uncomfortable shoes, if given enough time, will magically morph into something tolerable, possibly by rearranging all the bones in my feet.

Other than hurting myself with fashion, it’s been a low-key week so far. JB’s parents left this morning, which means we can turn the heat in our house back down to non-tropical levels, but sadly it also means the built in babysitters are gone and we’ll have to pay attention to our own son. God, what a pain in the ass.

I’m just kidding (sort of), but Riley will surely miss having his grandfather around, because much like he plays favorites with JB, he is completely enamored with JB’s dad – while showing only a cursory interest in JB’s mom. It’s marginally comforting to know I’m not the only female in my son’s life who plays second fiddle to the much-preferred MAN, but really, I’m starting to wonder if it would really be so wrong to sport a strap-on dildo in Riley’s presence. Sure, it sounds bad, but I’m just talking about tipping the scales back in my favor.

Actually, I may have a second shot at becoming the Preferred Parent, although I swear that’s not the reason I finally decided that I was on board with trying for baby numero two-o. It has to do with wanting Riley to have a sibling and having one more chance to smell a newborn’s head and probably being sort of eternally, optimistically foolish (see above re: shoes) and anyway, so yeah, I don’t have any idea how long it will take, but we’re officially going for it. Oh my god.*

* By the way, how disturbing is it that after I posted this, I saw on my referral-tracking-RSS-thingie a search for “regret second child”? If you regret one of your own children, is Google really going to help? I mean, isn’t that what eBay is for?

Comments

99 Responses to “Manufacturing love through strap-on technology”

  1. samantha jo campen on January 30th, 2007 11:43 pm

    I think you wearing those shoes again was getting you prepared for another pregnancy/birth. Yes? No?

    Well good luck with getting knocked up again. You two make really cute kids so I can’t wait to see what the next one is like!

    And we’re trying in a few months so maybe you can be my pregnant intenet pal. Even though you don’t know me. But still, it won’t be *that* creepy, I promise!

  2. Liz in Australia on January 30th, 2007 11:56 pm

    Good luck! We’re trying for #3 now: I think I’m far enough removed from the experience of whinging and complaining all the way through my last pregnancy that I’ve put my rose-coloured spectacles back on and decided to go through it all again ;-)

  3. christen on January 31st, 2007 12:11 am

    Wow, that’s huge! And surprising. It seems so soon but lordy, he’s almost two, isn’t he? Congratulations. I hope Riley gets a little sister!

  4. Eva on January 31st, 2007 1:05 am

    TOTALLY understand about the shoe issue. I regret spending about a hundred bucks on a pair that’s eerily similar – cute heel! cute round toe! pink insole! Regret set in within about an hour. Now these adorable shoes have spent an enjoyable 6 months taking up space in the hall closet because I can’t bear to throw them out or admit to my husband that they were a COMPLETE waste of money despite all of the legitimizing/rationalizing of the purchase I’d done back on a beautiful August afternoon.

  5. Chloe on January 31st, 2007 1:48 am

    Man, Steve Madden HATES women. That’s the only excuse. I have an adorable pair of Steve Maddens that I got online– from a place with free returns– tried on, but never worn outside– and I won’t return them. I will NEVER wear them, either. They are sooooo uncomfortable. This entry reminded me to just pull them out and return the damn things already– they were designed by EVIL. I always wondered if I just had weird feet that caused the insane amount of pain incorporated into these shoes… He’s the champion of designing comfortable looking shoes that are like needles in the sole (and soul). It’s especially funny because a few days ago I had explained to my boyfriend how much Steve Madden hates feet. Or something. He had no idea…
    And congratulations on trying for number 2!!!! I actually had to double back and re-read to make sure I saw what I thought I’d seen… sneaky! *shakes fist* (heh, I originally typed that as *shakes fish*… I shoulda stuck with that, but oh well)

  6. Kaire on January 31st, 2007 6:07 am

    Oh yes! Definitely another baby!!! I’m positively grinning with joy at what we’re going to get to read here :)

  7. JennB on January 31st, 2007 6:21 am

    We’re on schedule to start trying for #2 this summer…. during our roofing/dormer project. Aren’t we gluttons for punishment? Good luck to you!

  8. Lauren on January 31st, 2007 6:30 am

    First off – the shoes. I have the exact same pair in brown and they completely tear my feet to shreds. They’re so freakin cute though that I actually (gosh this is embarassing) put on a pair of my husband’s socks, STUFFED my feet into those shoes and proceeded to wobble around the house in hopes this would somehow “stretch them out” or something?! Uhhh…needless to say that really didn’t work out for me so well…
    Second – yay! for the “trying.” You were the very first blog I ever read and the very first pregnant blogger and I’m just so excited (I hope its a girl! Although I don’t really think that would help your quest for Preferred Parent…this coming from a verified Daddy’s Girl)…good luck and I can’t wait!

  9. Kelsey on January 31st, 2007 6:55 am

    Good luck on going plus one! I have my hands full with one two-year-old and grad school. We’re thinking we’ll at least wait until I have my degree and then we’ll see. I really want Harper to have a sibling, but I’m not sure about my capability of handling her plus a new baby. Maybe by then we’ll have won the lottery and I can get a nanny, or at least a housekeeper.

  10. robin on January 31st, 2007 6:56 am

    Oh that’s great news! That’s so exciting!

    Just, uhm, don’t get too busy with all these babies and quit blogging, okay? Promise?

  11. Ang on January 31st, 2007 7:31 am

    Why is it that all the really cute shoes are uncomfortable?!?!? It is so not fair!

  12. Emily on January 31st, 2007 7:41 am

    In case you didn’t read Tomato Nation a few years ago (but I would think you might!), check out the shoe diatribe/rundown here; comparing Kenneth Cole shoes to Ike Turner is genius. (You could replace “Kenneth Cole” with “Steve Madden” and it’ll still work.)

  13. Kelli on January 31st, 2007 7:46 am

    Congrats on the “whew, are we ready to try?” “Yes, we’re ready!” discussion & good luck going for it.

    Also, I’m so, so glad to know I’m not the only one in the world who thinks that if I let shoes sit in my closet long enough they will suddenly become comfortable….

  14. Hannah on January 31st, 2007 7:54 am

    Good luck!

  15. Rachel on January 31st, 2007 8:22 am

    SQUEE!!!!

  16. Trina on January 31st, 2007 8:25 am

    So excited for you guys! Riley will be a great big brother!

    One thing to say about the adorable but painful shoes, EBAY.

  17. GoingLoopy on January 31st, 2007 8:49 am

    Aerosoles, 9 West, Bandolino, Enzo. Those are the only shoes that don’t make me want to have double foot amputations after wearing them all day at work and/or all night at the bar.

    Have fun “trying”… but you may want to leave the strap on dildo out of the equation. ;)

  18. katie on January 31st, 2007 8:52 am

    i ihave those shoes too and they are the WORST!!!! i thought they’d be fine, smaller heel, rounded toe… but they are awful. i stopped wearing them. one thing that does help are those pads you put on the ball or in the toe of the shoe to keep your foot in place, but those shoes are so poorly designed….fashion over function! i do have a pair of maddens that i love, they are kitten heel and pointy toed regular pumps and they are wicked comfortable.

  19. Kerri on January 31st, 2007 9:11 am

    Good luck! You guys are such a cute little family. I hope you have a little girl (if that’s what you want, of course). :)

    I am so happy for you!

  20. Leigha on January 31st, 2007 9:37 am

    Add me to the club of “forever to conceive Child 1, one month to conceive Child 2”. My husband was actually disappointed at how long it took – when I showed him the positive test, he had this look like he just missed out on Christmas or something. Bryan will be two and a half when our little girl is born in June – we’ll see what we’re made of then.

    I’m the queen of keeping uncomfortable shoes, hoping that they will magically morph into breezy, easy wearing jewels of my shoe collection. It hasn’t happened yet, but I’ll be damned if I’m getting rid of any of them.

  21. -R- on January 31st, 2007 9:42 am

    I have very similar Steve Madden shoes in brown, and I love them! But maybe that is because I have only worn them in the office, where there is not much walking.

    Good luck with that other thing too.

  22. Swistle on January 31st, 2007 10:34 am

    Normally I’m a writ-and-run commenter, but for this topic I was magnetically drawn back to read other people’s comments and bask awhile more in the happy news of Trying. I have SO enjoyed your writing, and it seems crass to refer to this upcoming addition to your family as “fresh blog fodder” but I do see it that way: I’m already looking forward to reading about pregnancy and childbirth and babyhood and so forth. I am so interested in pregnancies and babies and family planning, and the drama of all three.

  23. Quiana on January 31st, 2007 10:40 am

    Yay! More baby pictures. I’m starved for cute in my stark cubical.
    I also have those shoes and I find them to be super comfortable. Perhaps you have the wrong size? I usually wear a 6 1/2 but in that shoe I bought a 7 in black and I actually bought the red pair with the slightly higher lift in a 7 1/2.
    If you bought them at Nordstrom, take them back.

  24. squandra on January 31st, 2007 10:41 am

    Woo! Good luck!

    Also, don’t give up on my Steve. He gave me kitten heels I loved so much the rubber wore down, and still not a single blister.

  25. Daren on January 31st, 2007 11:01 am

    First, the shoes. I KNEW there was a reason I own one pair of dress shoes. Wedding/funeral purposes only. Of course, I don’t have to go to an office so that helps a great deal. I’d take em back. But I’m not a shoe person. I wear flip-flops all summer and tennis shoes all winter. Now, a cute purse/bag that hurts? I’d keep it and complain. That’s just me.

    And of course, congrats on number two. Good Luck!

  26. Caitlin on January 31st, 2007 12:08 pm

    Yay! Time to dust off the sex furniture! (I am so 12.) Congrats on your big decision :) Oh yeah, and try Aerosoles because I promise they are actually cute and not Grandma-like and very, very comfortable.

  27. angela on January 31st, 2007 12:40 pm

    Speaking of sex furniture, what was that link again?

    It’s for a friend. Really.

  28. kollz on January 31st, 2007 12:45 pm

    Congrats! Riley’s ADORABLE–hopefully your next will have the same gorgeous eyes!

    Steve Madden… hoo boy. Seems like every girl in my graduating class had those black strappy platform sandals that killed our 17-year-old feet, and nothing’s changed! I, the girly-girl with an aversion to high heels, am personally a fan of Target’s shoes. Anything over a kitten heel tends to freak me out (I fall a lot), but the latest Mossimos and Isaac Mizrahi’s? AMAZING. And they’re hot, too–I’m currently wearing rounded black peep-toes :)

  29. Sonia on January 31st, 2007 1:32 pm

    We’re trying too. Good luck!!

  30. helen on January 31st, 2007 2:10 pm

    Hey congrats on the decision to do the trying! We have a wee one almost the same age as Riley, and recently decided to try for the next one. Only problem is, and I never, ever thought I’d say this, but sometimes we’re just too damn tired. Being much more aware of my cycle this time round means the pressure to do the shagging can be great.
    Wow, when did this happen to us?!

  31. StacyC. on January 31st, 2007 2:27 pm

    Congratulations…but….two is way harder than one. Any time you had to yourself with one-instantly vanishes at least at first. I hate to be a kill-joy but you sound a lot like me…liking personal time etc. I wish someone had been straight with me (not that I would have changed my mind) but… Two kicked my ass.

  32. Mel on January 31st, 2007 2:44 pm

    Good luck on trying for number two. Sort of ironic, in a way, but we are trying, too. Could our second children be born on the same day, instead of two days apart? Who knows? Anyway, best of luck!

  33. Donna on January 31st, 2007 2:56 pm

    Oh, this is going to be so much fun. . . for us! Baby #2, I mean. Your writing got better and better with your pregnancy, his birth and then Life with Riley. Frankly, I hope you get pregnant immediately!

  34. Audrey on January 31st, 2007 3:15 pm

    Toss the shoes or return them (depending on where you bought them). They won’t fit after pregnancy number 2, anyhow!

    Have fun trying…

  35. thejunebug on January 31st, 2007 4:16 pm

    EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Okay, can I be selfish and hope that you and I get pregnant at the same time? it will be my first, and I’m terrified.

  36. Heidi on January 31st, 2007 5:00 pm

    Oh, it’s heartbreaking when shoes are mean to your feet. I rarely let my feet go naked inside shoes (unless they’re strappy of course). Instead I wear Hue Hidden Cotton Liners. They’re tiny, inexpensive and they don’t slip off in your shoes. They feel a thousand time better than bare skin stuck to leather (or pleather depending on the shoe.) Also, Foot Pedals are little gifts straight from Santa or the little baby Jebus himself, hard to tell. There are many different cushiony shapes and sizes for all different parts of your shoes. The nice ladies in the Nordstrom hosiery department know their stuff and can help you find what you need.

  37. kalisah on January 31st, 2007 6:18 pm

    I have the same problem with Via Spigas – I’ve had to make a resolution NEVER to buy another pair, no matter how cute they look. They always end up killing my feet. Every single pair.

    I find that Madden’s shoes run slightly large. Maybe they just don’t fit you correctly? At any rate, throw them out or give them away. Do not be tempted to wear them again b/c I can promise you, you’re just in for more misery. You know what they say about continuing to do the same thing & expecting different results, right?

  38. Mary O on January 31st, 2007 6:47 pm

    Yay! That’s such great news! Thanks for letting us in on it!

  39. Sarah on January 31st, 2007 8:01 pm

    Just to pile on, (I don’t think I made myself clear enough on Monday), I AM SO EXCITED to see “Squishy 2: Electric Bugaloo”!! And I agree with the others that this one will disagree with Copernicus and think that the moon and the stars revolve around *you*. :)

  40. Mymsie on February 2nd, 2007 11:13 am

    I too have a similarly sad tale, the star of which is these gorgeous kicks. *sigh* So purdy but SO.FREAKIN’.UNCOMFORTABLE.

  41. lauren on February 9th, 2007 1:13 pm

    What size are those? I’ll trade you for my own personal pair of “maybe this time…” shoes, very cute, with the unfortunate effect of pulverizing my feetsies. I’m serious, someone needs to take them away from me.
    Lots of luck with Kidlet: the Sequel!

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