February 8, 2007

I’ve been feeling slightly panicked all week long because I had this freelance project due today and dude, if ever there was a bad week to try and get something like that done, it was this week (seriously, I can’t hack the single parent life, I am barely maintaining a non-offensive level of personal hygiene over here and if you saw my house right now you would probably report me to CPS for endangering the child with massive amounts of Dog Hair Exposure), but oh thank Jebus I managed to wrap it up last night and my relief warrants some cutting loose tonight, if you know what I mean and I think you do (WHEAT THINS).

I’m Contractually Forbidden from telling you what sorts of articles I’ve been working on, but I just want to say this: if you ever read a “lifestyle tip” disguised as friendly chatter from a large corporate entity, the advice it contains may in fact not be written by an expert of any kind, but rather produced directly from someone’s ass, namely mine. Oh, the things I have pulled from my ass! (Say, wouldn’t that make an interesting Dr. Seuss book?) In fact, I believe I’ll fashion myself some business cards: Linda Whatsit, Ass-Taffy For Hire.

Hey! I have a new friend, who (whom? fuck, I can never remember) Riley and I visited on Wednesday. Ashley is not only totally cool and fun to be around, but her living room was filled with toy trucks (not by choice, I’m sure, she has two sons), and so obviously Riley was in seventh heaven. I cannot believe Riley’s knowledge of All Things Truck-Related, I was flipping through this awful book with him tonight and on a whim I asked where the tractor was, and he pointed at it. Ditto dump truck, fire engine, and front loader—he knows them all. This is the same kid who says “BA!” for pretty much every word in the English language, so I don’t know . . . I think he’s a truck savant, or something.

And by the way, why am I so interested in Anna Nicole Smith’s death? WHY?

I don’t want us to all get bored of the What Are YOOoooo Doing This Weekend game, so let’s do something else: what was the high point of your week? I think mine was yesterday evening when I was getting Riley’s dinner ready and he walked up behind me and put his arms around my legs and burrowed his face into my Old Navy fleece sweatpants. He just clung to me for a moment, a little koala, before reeling off after his ball (“BA!”). A brief moment of sweetness and stillness, so revered and rare in the full-tilt world of toddlerdom. Runner-up: today, when I submitted my Ass Taffy text file.

And you?


80 Responses to “Assorted ass taffy”

  1. Josie on February 9th, 2007 10:08 am

    Two highlights:
    1. Recieving a bunch of camera accessories to help feed the need to take. pictures. of. everything.
    2. Had a great run around the Duke University campus last night while listening the The Weepies “I gotta have you” on repeat.

  2. Lisa S. on February 9th, 2007 10:38 am

    My sister- and brother-in-law are on a cruise this week, so my in-laws are watching their three kids and we’re helping out by doing carpool duty, helping out with meals, etc. And last night, when I walked in after picking up the niece, both nephews shrieked with joy and began running around in circles the minute they saw me. Then insisted that I sit between them for dinner. Then insisted that I help them eat.

    Being treated as a combination of rock star/greek goddess by the five-and-under set was definitely the high point. It almost makes me forgive the little petri dishes for sneezing directly on me two weeks ago and giving me an upper respitory/sinus infection that will not quit.

    Runner-up high point: sitting on the couch with the husband, watching 30 Rock and eating butter toffee almonds last night.

  3. Lisa B on February 9th, 2007 10:44 am

    Two highlights:

    1.Finally being able to bike commute yesterday and today after 10 days caring for my Mom in CT and bike issues (fixed!). I need a nap, but I feel virtuous.

    2. It’s Friday and this loooong week back after being gone for eight work days is finally over – wheeee!

    Lowlight: I can’t sleep in tomorrow morning because we have a 9:30 appt. with the financial advisor (at which she’ll tell us again that we’re going to be working at WalMart when we retire. She’s good, but I really prefer blissful ignorance in this case.).

  4. life&times on February 9th, 2007 10:48 am

    My highlight was discovering that the crowds at the pool have dwindled enough that I can finally start swimming again! Hooray!

  5. gabby on February 9th, 2007 10:55 am

    I got my haircut after nearly a year (!) of neglec, I mean bedrest / birth / babydom. Yay!

  6. gabby on February 9th, 2007 10:56 am

    And, of course, neglect has a t on the end. My excitement overwhelmed me!

  7. Sunshyn on February 9th, 2007 10:56 am

    Roo throwing his arms around my neck and calling me “Mama Bear.”

  8. Mel on February 9th, 2007 12:38 pm

    The highlight for me was Ian preferring me instead of his daddy, just for a moment, and igivng me a kiss, which he only reserves for Daddy, usually.

  9. Gertie on February 9th, 2007 1:29 pm

    The highlight of my week came about an hour ago. I met with an advisor at BCC and confirmed that I need just one more class to get my friggin’ AA, and not the hard level math course I thought I needed but an easy General Business math class. This means that by June 15th of this year I will FINALLY have earned that degree I’ve been working on for 20 years. Yay!

  10. nstig8r on February 9th, 2007 1:31 pm

    wednesday i went to see a great band, the everybodyfields (you can find them on http://www.theeverybodyfields.com)
    and if you count sunday as part of this week, i painted my master bath sage green & it looks great!

  11. clearlydistracted on February 9th, 2007 1:36 pm

    Highlight of my week:

    Yesterday while running errands with my two youngest (age 3 and age 1), I stopped to get some coffee. A guy pulled up next to me while I was getting the kids into the car, and my 3-year old son said (plenty loudly – I’m sure the guy heard it), “Hey, that guy looks like grampa! Except older. Yeah, that guy is almost dead.” Very matter-of-fact – he wasn’t trying to be funny or dramatic or anything.

    It’s had me laughing for 2 days now.

  12. Jem on February 9th, 2007 2:17 pm

    I’ve been in the USA for the last month, so my highlight was smoking up in LA at the Rainbow with one of my favourite rock stars. rock’n’roll.

  13. Erin on February 9th, 2007 2:21 pm

    There hasn’t been a highlight to my week yet…its been a tough week, so I’m holding out for tomorrow being my highlight when I get to go see Catch and Release ( because I need a girly-cryfest) and then will be reuniting with my fiance, his brother and his brother’s fiance (that’s right, two weddings for the same family in one year…) and we’re doing dinner and talking wedding plans, and then copious amounts of alcohol will ensue!

  14. Caitlin on February 9th, 2007 2:39 pm

    hm, comment didn’t want to go through…trying again:

    1) Found out I have one of my favorite (and hardest!) monolouges in the Vagina Monolouges production happening later this spring in New Orleans. The piece is based on one woman’s experience surviving rape-as-war-tactic by soldiers in Yugolsavia. I’m both terrified and deeply moved by the story, and feel challenged to do right by it. http://www.vday.org.

    2) Went running for the first time in YEARS after reading all the get-fit comments here, and then, amazingly enough, I did it AGAIN two days later.

  15. Kaite on February 9th, 2007 2:46 pm

    Seriously! Why is the Anna Nicole Smith so fascinating? I couldn’t resist googling the story! I really do have better things to do with my time.

    Best thing all week? During a (veryboring) Pacers/Sonics game this week watched a guy -in a tie- taken down just like on Cops. He’s all screaming ‘Don’t touch me, man’. And then it was all over – down he went, and I’m sure he had a cozy room in Indy’s finest jail that night.

  16. Barb on February 9th, 2007 2:59 pm

    Well, I live in Upstate New York and we have like 3 gazillion inches of snow on the ground, but my highlight was going to a women’s retreat last weekend and getting to play on some African drums. It was really cathartic!

  17. Miranda on February 9th, 2007 3:45 pm

    My highlight happened earlier today. I was sitting with my 83-year old Grandma during her doctor’s appointment, listening to her tell me about the day she married my Grandad almost 60 years ago. The way her little face lit up while she was talking made my heart swell.

  18. Josh on February 9th, 2007 4:29 pm

    Well I’m a total geek for YouTube, and this week my favorite person on there subscribed to my channel! And she’s sort of a b-list celebrity type (at least in the bizarre microcosm that is YouTube). My e-crush is flaming out of control and having my rediculous need for attention filled made my boring week much better. Go me!

  19. Beth on February 9th, 2007 5:41 pm

    Mia woke me up this morning by smothering me with open-mouthed, toothsome kisses. Ok, it was sort of gross and more than a little painful, but also a nice change from being bashed in the head with her patented Karate Chop of Displeasure.

  20. HollowSquirrel on February 9th, 2007 5:58 pm

    Was asked if my mom was with me to sign consent forms when I’m 16 years past needing parental consent!

  21. Chiara on February 9th, 2007 7:01 pm

    I think tonight is going to be the highlight of my week, and possibly every other week of the rest of my life, because I’m going to a strip club for the first time in my life and taking a poledancing class.

  22. Christine on February 9th, 2007 7:34 pm

    This week….when a patient of mine whose stroke wiped out her ability to say any words with actual meaning to them, asked me flat-out, point-blank for a cup of coffee this morning. I said, “Would you like a peanut butter cookie?” and this woman, who hasn’t been able to string together a full sentence in the two weeks I have been treating her, said, “No, thank you, but I would like some cook-coff…coffee.”

    And tonight, when I came home from the weekly trek to my ex-husband’s to drop my older daughter off, my toddler ran up behind me, wrapped her little arms around my leg and rested her head on my knee and said, “Ma.”

    I’m all gooey.

  23. Forever Altered » Hello if you are just stopping by… on February 10th, 2007 7:43 pm

    […] I was a bit confused yesterday when seeing my post count. I had over 150 new hits in less than 24 hours. Not exactly anything I am used to. I then read Linda’s ‘Ass-Taffy’ entry and now I am basking in my 2 seconds of fame (damn Linda, you’re SO popular). I have been reading her site for quite awhile now, I realized we don’t live far from each other and my being in desperate need of friends I decided to ask her if she was interested in getting together. It has worked out much to my liking and hopefully hers. I find it really hard to make connections with people the older I get. I don’t know if it’s because I am so busy with ankle biters, lazy, too ugly to look at, or all of the above, but it can be a drag. Linda is witty and easy-going. Riley is a hoot. When he wasn’t saying “BAH!” to drive his point home, he was being mowed down by Owen with the GIANT Tonka truck, ok not the nicest gesture but it was funny, like when someones falls down and you laugh, that sort of funny. Ok I’ve said more than I intended. […]

  24. Cari on February 11th, 2007 9:04 pm

    Holy fuck, I gave birth. I am still in shock (as is my nether region) and she is so beautiful. If only she would stay awake long enough to nurse…

  25. samantha jo campen on February 11th, 2007 9:16 pm

    The highlight of my week is that I actually HAVE two highlights, as I have been VERY depressed for the past few weeks. And they are:

    1) I started taking my Xanax again just to get me through this rough patch. Man oh man did that help. I don’t smoke or drink, so a pill a day is fine by me!

    2) There are ‘winds of change’ occuring at work and I’m trying not to get TOO excited but I still really am. It could be amazing. So I’m hopeful after talking to a higher-up in the company.

    FINGERS CROSSED! And maybe with #’s 1 & 2 occuring, hubby and I will have circus sex!

  26. Steve Wilson on February 15th, 2007 9:05 pm

    Alex: circus sex? Girl, email me your pictures.

  27. Michelle Kwan on November 30th, 2007 6:19 am

    Hey!…Man i just love your blog, keep the cool posts about Sundry comin..holy Friday .

  28. Arnie on May 29th, 2009 1:37 am
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