February 20, 2007

This is probably a horrible thing for me to confess, but I am disappointed by the latest news on Britney Spears, because I was really looking forward to hearing about her next bizarre public behavior. Where else would she vomit? What other body part would she tattoo? What else, for the love of god, would she shave?

Also, I can’t help wondering why some celebrities choose to make their downward spiral so easily photographed. Why isn’t this girl back at her mansion swilling Everclear directly out of the bottle and making the instantly-regrettable decision to buzzcut her head (“Shmaybe I’ll look like Demish SHMOORE”) in the privacy of her own home? Did she really want everyone on earth to see full-color images of her lumpy, plucked-chicken bald head and glazed expression? Britney, did your vagina teach you nothing?

Okay! I can’t believe I just typed that. Moving on . . .

I noticed something this morning as I was driving to work, stuck behind a ridiculously slow-moving car on the 520 onramp and angrily brandishing my middle finger in protest while not-quite-tailgating them: my car has made me kind of an asshole driver. The Touareg wants to be driven fast, and if some jackoff is in the way, the Touareg wants me to shoot them the double-eagle-salute and aggressively encroach on their tailpipe. It’s kind of a Christine thing.

Truly, though, the traffic around here is enough to make anyone go slowly insane and eventually start killing people with their demonic, sentient car. I sat in three different areas of standstill traffic this morning during my nearly 40-minute drive, and it wasn’t even rush hour. If Workplace really ends up moving to Magnolia (this now seems up in the air, and I’m rudely hoping the deal falls through altogether) I don’t quite know what I’ll do. We wouldn’t move—JB’s office is near our house, among other reasons—and I wouldn’t want to quit, but I also don’t want my commute to take up multiple hours out of my day. This is a situation I’m hoping magically resolves itself via some unforeseen deus ex machina, because I have no other solution.

Speaking of not moving, we are tentatively planning a second remodel on the house. The previous work expanded a bedroom and bathroom and added a garage, this would expand our kitchen and add a living room/office space. If you’re into floor plans, here’s a look (click to embiggen):


(The new area is the dark outlined section on the bottom left.)

It’s kind of . . . well, batshit insane is one phrase that comes to mind, to be doing another remodel, but at least in our neighborhood it appears to be a Savvy Investment Activity, if you can live through it without murdering each other, which, since this one involves the kitchen, may be the caveat that kills us. So to speak.

To recap, then, I may have both a heinous commute and a torn-apart house to look forward to this summer. Why, it’s enough to make a girl want to shave her head! Instead, we’ve shaved the boy. I’d post a photo, but he does have kind of a plucked-chicken look to him. Maybe he deserves some privacy.

Nah. Behold!

Have you seen my hair? It was just on my head, I swear to God.


31 Responses to “Shortcuts”

  1. Junniper on February 20th, 2007 5:20 pm

    Another remodel, are you INSANE?! Just kiddin’, I’ll bet it’ll look great in the end.

    Can’t wait to see the new cue ball look.

  2. Jem on February 20th, 2007 5:29 pm

    I feel really bad for Britney. She needs some mental rehab, not drug rehab.

  3. Lola on February 20th, 2007 5:56 pm


  4. Josh on February 20th, 2007 6:06 pm

    I like the remodelling idea. But I just love home improvement. If you don’t feel like you can handle it then don’t bother, it’s just space.

    And bald Brit isn’t that bad. (holds back vomit) She’s still got a cute face. (fights nausea) Bald chicks don’t bother me as long as they haven’t slept with K-fed. (looses a torrent of bacon lettuce and tomato gruel)

    Why for the love of everything holy would you ruin America’s collective spank bank by defiling your stupid baby dropping head? After all we’ve forgiven you for! (ie, ruining the mystery-alure of the poon) I hope it never grows back you witch. No wait, I didn’t mean it, bring the lovely locks back!

  5. Bianca on February 20th, 2007 6:27 pm

    Heinous commute, torn apart house and don’t forget, possible morning sickness and the jimmy leg again. I swear you must be made out of steel. How in the HELL do you DO it? I hope when I die I come back as Linda whom nothing seems to deter.

  6. Nancy on February 20th, 2007 6:49 pm

    Thank you for using the word embiggen. Because I am sure you know
    “A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.”

  7. Swistle on February 20th, 2007 6:57 pm

    It’s a perfectly cromulent word.

    As long as you’re doing one miserable thing, might as well do other miserable things at the same time. Plus, kitchen remodels give you the excuse to order take-out. Unlike bathroom remodels, which give no excuse for anything good, other than peeing in the shrubbery, which is only a perk to the guys.

  8. Pagne on February 20th, 2007 8:35 pm

    If you guys ran out of lube, you could probably just ask some kind reader to send you some. Inviting more strangers to leave that behind is a bit…icky.

  9. Julia on February 20th, 2007 8:41 pm

    I love how horrified Riley looks at getting Spear-ed.

  10. Amanda on February 20th, 2007 9:18 pm

    I love the pose of Riley’s left hand in that picture… it’s so little boy and less infant.

  11. Mrs. Breedorf on February 20th, 2007 9:45 pm

    Yep, you’re batshit insane.

  12. Daily Tragedies on February 21st, 2007 12:21 am

    Oh, to have a place I could attempt not to kill someone in!

    (Thanks for the floor plans. Am dork. Loved them.)

  13. Swistle on February 21st, 2007 5:07 am

    That boy always looks so cute. I always admire what he’s wearing. Seems like he should have photo credits: “hair by ___, shirt by____, jeans by_____,” etc., and then we could all go out and totally copy you. If we can’t copy the boy himself–and that is a shame, and it seems as if anyone with any heart at all would allow a teeny little DNA removal for cloning–we can at least copy his Look.

  14. Ang on February 21st, 2007 7:34 am

    When I read about Britney’s shaving of the head, I was so sad for her. I still am. I hope she gets the help she needs.

  15. Lawyerish on February 21st, 2007 8:16 am

    Dood! We are about to remodel our kitchen, and I am looking very much forward to the end result, but I quake in fear of living with construction for six weeks or more. All our stuff is going to be coated in demolition dust and we will have no cooking implements whatsoever. I don’t imagine it’s going to be any kind of pleasant. But…new kitchen! Woo!

  16. Kate on February 21st, 2007 8:29 am

    I’m a new reader, so don’t know if you’ve ever said whether you make good use of your commute time or not. I used to have a half-hour highway drive each way, and would put in a cassette of the piano accompaniment and practise singing my songs (I was in musical theatre) so the time flew by and was totally enjoyable. Could’ve been longer! But have you tried talking books? I use them for long trips; they make the hours disappear.

  17. nonsoccermom on February 21st, 2007 9:01 am

    That picture of Riley is so cute.

    My office is supposedly relocating soon too – but right now my “commute” is only about fifteen minutes, so I’m not thrilled about the prospect of driving further than that. Plus my current office is in a great location – easy walking distance to my bank, the post office, and Starbucks. You’re not the only one hoping that the deal will fall through…

  18. kate on February 21st, 2007 9:56 am

    I grew up in the city so I only commuted using public transit or walking. Years later I made the grave mistake of moving to an outlying suburb of San Francisco and had to drive to commute. IT WAS HELL. I was spending up to 3 hours a day driving. I finally made the move to The Big Island of Hawaii where again I was commuting and at times it was taking up to 3 hours of my day. Now I live out in the country, north of the harbor we launch out of. No real commute and NO TRAFFIC. I don’t think I can ever go back. Well, that and it is beautiful here…..in a warm, sunny kind of way. Not that other places aren’t beautiful, they are. I would live on Vancouver Island if it stayed warm. (and I were canadian)……..oh whatever. I must shut up and go to work.

  19. Lisa B on February 21st, 2007 10:56 am

    Re: commute. You could ride your bike! (ducks and runs). No seriously, I used to commute roundtrip Ballard to Redmond for a couple of years and it was fun. Of course, then we moved to Kirkland because I couldn’t stand getting across the 520 bridge with my bike, but bike commuting! Fun! Really!

  20. m on February 21st, 2007 12:10 pm

    Riley is delicious!

  21. H on February 21st, 2007 12:19 pm

    Oops, she did it again. She checked out of rehab this morning so…more escapades to come, I assume.

    All I can say about the remodel is make sure you can handle that turmoil if you’re pregnant during that time, and that it is finished before baby #2 arrives. Unless you’re a real glutton for punishment.

  22. Donna on February 21st, 2007 1:01 pm

    Those smoochy smears on my computer screen? Blame that picture of The Boy!

  23. Audrey on February 21st, 2007 2:29 pm

    If you’re going to remodel the kitchen, the summer seems the best time to do it — at least you can bar-b-q with freezing your asses off! Just a thought: are you wanting to be dealing with a remodel at the same time you’ll potentially be dealing with the early stages of pregnancy?

  24. Sonia on February 21st, 2007 2:59 pm

    Don’t say it’s batshit crazy to remodel the DAY AFTER we decide to do it! Lol! I would be much obliged if you could throw me some pointers for surviving such a thing.

  25. sundry on February 21st, 2007 4:54 pm

    Re: pregnancy—if we don’t do a remodel, we only have one bedroom for two kids. So . . . there’s really no perfect time, I guess.

  26. Melanie on February 21st, 2007 5:46 pm

    #1 – that haircut = cuteness.
    #2 – your house looks HUGE. But I think that’s because I can’t read the little words or tell where the rooms divide on the little mappy-thing. Or else because I live in a tiny apartment. You pick.

  27. Jennifer on February 21st, 2007 11:12 pm

    Do the remodel – do it do it do it. As soon as possible! Adding more living space, especially if some of it’s a kitchen, is a guaranteed return on your investment. Housing prices in Seattle/Bellevue will do nothing but go UP, especially as much as Microsoft is expanding. Doing the remodel later will cost more, and I’m sure you’d rather do it while pregnant rather than while dealing with two kids instead of one.

    And I love floorplans/blueprints. I buy house/architecture magazines just to look at them. Thanks!

    I sure hope you don’t inherit that new commute. I don’t understand why companies choose to move when their employees are settled and have already chosen where to live based on work location. Especially to Magnolia — talk about being hard to reach. At least where you are now, you’re much more central, easier for everyone no matter where they live. Has Zee Workplace given you guys a rational reason for wanting to move?

  28. sara on February 22nd, 2007 12:22 am

    I think she has post-partum depression..that mixed with alcohol and drugs and a public divorce leads to doing crazy things in public…I think that’s part of the “crazy.”

    I feel bad for her.

  29. fellowmom on February 22nd, 2007 10:05 am

    Better to remodel when pregnant than with a newborn! I did not spend too much time in the kitchen until I reached the later stages of pregnancy gorge-fest.

    Great floorplan. Your additions seem like they’d blend well with the original structure–hate that obviously tacked-on look.

  30. Brooke on February 22nd, 2007 12:08 pm

    Could you have your husband email my husband and LIGHT A FIRE UNDER HIS ARSE so we can get our kitchen/living room remodel going? I, too, will be enduring, I mean, enjoying the early stages of pregnancy this summer (hope, hope), and we’ve been planning this renovation for two years!

  31. LisaL on February 25th, 2007 5:04 am

    Riley looks so dismayed by his haircut, but he shouldn’t because it’s adorable! That kid would look cute if you painted his head blue, though. Eeeek, I hope Britney doesn’t read your comments! I wouldn’t want to give her ideas.

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