Feb
24
February 24, 2007
Earlier today I watched this video, linked from Heather’s website (whose recent entry about Britney Spears sort of made me ashamed of my ongoing Spears-related water-cooler snarking), and while I’ve never actually seen Craig Ferguson’s show before, I find that I am now in love with him. Just a little. Okay, a lot. My god, that accent.
Anyway, the things he has to say in that video about alcoholism are so well stated. The fact that dealing with a drinking problem is like managing a chronic disease, the fact that some people simply can’t drink normally, no matter how much they wish they could.
I don’t think I’ll ever stop wishing that I could drink like most people are able to. But even that train of thought quickly grows dysfunctional: I’ll see a couple ordering wine at dinner, and think how nice it would be if I could do that too . . . then I’ll imagine the third, fourth, and fifth glasses, and the port for dessert, and later at home, just a few vodka-and-tonics (easy on the tonic), as nightcaps. I can’t even fantasize about drinking without giving myself a goddamn hangover.
I hate the term “recovering alcoholic” when it’s used to describe someone who hasn’t had a drink in years. It seems spectacularly unfair that there’s not a point where a person can be definitively cured of their drinking problem, and I wish the longer I went without drinking the more I would be restored to some psychological and physical state where alcohol held no power over me.
Well, like Jayne says, “If wishes were horses we’d all be eatin’ steak.”
Whether or not it’s unfair, that’s the way this thing works. It will be with me tomorrow, it will be with me in fifteen years. I hope I’ll manage it well and keep the disease at bay, but it’s never going anywhere. I’ll never be recovered.
I don’t talk about this particular problem of mine very often. It’s worked for me to deal with it on a day to day basis by myself, I don’t go to AA and I don’t have a sponsor or anything. The downside to that approach is that I never talk with anyone who has a problem of their own. I guess that’s why I liked the video clip so much, it felt good to hear someone talk about the subject with such candor and humor.
Plus there’s the accent. If it isn’t Scottish, it really IS crap. Who knew?
And now for a couple photos of my sweet young son, who’s currently on my shit list but charming me still, the little monster.
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34 Responses to “The devil you know”
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I also write here:
Really great entry-my mother has a drinking problem, and without going into details, it was not good. The gift you are giving Riley-it is immense.
Wading into the shallow pool, if you like the Scottish accent, run, do not walk, to rent Dear Frankie with Gerard Butler, or anything with him speaking in his natural accent. YOWZA!
I LOVE Craig Ferguson! I didn’t know about him until I saw his show in the US.
This reminded me of the Ani DiFranco lyric, “They say that alcoholics are always alcoholics even when they’re dry as my lips for years …” where she compares alcoholism to other “defects of character,” as they say in AA. What I’m saying is, maybe other people can drink in ways that you can’t, but then maybe they struggle in other parts of life where you don’t, you know? Like, the way you see a drink and think “hangover,” I see a few extra dollars in the bank and think “debt.”
I think everyone is more or less equal in the end, shortcomings-wise, so nobody actually has any more of a bum deal than anyone else, no matter how much it feels like it … but of course, being human and imperfect, it took me quite a while to think that way.
The fact that you have quoted Jayne puts you even higher in my esteem, if that is possible!
you know, i have always loved craig ferguson. i totally have a crush on him. after watching that video clip, i’m positively swooning. i’m glad someone finally pointed out what should be so obvious. these are ppl’s lives. it’s just not funny when ppl are DYING. i mean..if britney was your little sister, or your cousin, or your best friend, you’d be out of your mind with worry. but because she’s famous, it’s ok to laugh at her obvious pain. now, i’m not pointing fingers. i love mocking celebrities. i really do. and yes, i realize that makes me a horrible person. but it’s good to have a reality check every once in a while. thanks for posting this.
I agree with the “recovering” thing. I’m recovered. I’m also not an alcoholic… anymore. If I start drinking again, I’ll be un-recovered. OK. And I’ll be an alcoholic… again. OK. I finally quit going to AA about 15 years ago, and I’ll tell you why. I would bet you a bottle of Jack, if I went back to that meeting this coming Wednesday, I would hear the same people whining about the same shit they were blubbering about 15 years ago. For me it got ridiculous. At some point you have to suck it up, quit whining about your problems like you’re the only one that has them, put it behind you and go on with your life. Damn! Some people need that constant babysitting so good for them, that’s great. But if I had to spend the rest of my life that close to the edge… well, I’d rather drink.
I actually wrote (and subsequently didn’t post, because I felt like it was too meandering) an entry about Britney the other day, because I was really, really feeling bad for her. The gist of it was “Think of your worst relationship. Think how irrational it made you and how you probably lost control a bit. Now multiply that by a zillion dollars, an insane amount of celebrity, two kids with the ex you are trying to cut ties with, a shitload of paparazzi, and unfettered access to any mind-altering chemical escape route you can think of. Now tell me how well you’d be doing right about now.”
I totally agree with Craig Ferguson’s brogueful take on it all. Not that I am above celebrity gossip/mockery, by any stretch–but it’s one thing to crack up when Mary Kate Olsen to wear a burlap sack and some twist-ties to a premiere, and another thing to mock a person who is clearly suffering a major psychological breakdown.
I guess it is hard for most of us plebs to think about celebs as being actual people with ‘real’ lives, issues, relationsships and problems. But I have felt sorry for Britney, I truly hope that she is getting the help and support she needs.
As for alcoholism, I agree with Maureen above, that by not drinking you are giving Riley a enormous gift. My husbands mother is an raging alcoholic and that has damaged her relationship with her two sons to a point where they avoid contact with her, she’s never allowed to look after her grandkids, hell, she hasn’t even seen our son yet. We’ve invited her to come see us the two times we’ve been in denmark since he was born (we don’t actually live there) but on both occasions she has “had a stomach ache”… and she didn’t even come to our wedding… so she is missing out on so much. Her sons just shrug when I ask them if it doesn’t hurt their feelings when she lets them down like that and say that they are used to it. Alcholism is a horrifying disease, but I’m glad you’re holding your own against it.
And lets hope that Britney manages the same, if only for the sake of her sons
I was really interested to watch this video because I have also been concerned about the rabid frenzy the press has developed about these celebrities. There was a picture a while back that showed Britney on the beach and then showed the view from behind her with all the dozens of press people (polite term) in front of her, literally almost blocking her view of the ocean. Who can live like that? Who can stand the pressure?
I think you are brave and smart to admit to your problem and manage it so well.
And, on a lighter note, I can’t belive you quoted Jayne. Joss Whedon is a god at our house and we can’t understand why they are not fighting over him to get him to create more movies and tv shows. His characters and dialogue are priceless. I’m still sad that Buffy and Angel are not on the air anymore. And not together.
It’s so easy to sit back and say “well, if they simply hadn’t done such-and-such they wouldn’t HAVE a problem”. I find myself saying that about drug addiction: if that person had never shot up/snorted/smoked whatever they wouldn’t be “recovering” (and I do that because people have lived full lives without ever touching the stuff)(mostly I save this judgement for those who DEMAND a medal and a pat on the back for getting sober). With alcohol, however, it’s different because it’s such an integral part of our lives. We use it for social gatherings, for cooking, for religious services. That fact that you’ve done this by yourself amazes me. I’m so happy that you’ve been able to handle this; I’m sure everytime you look at Riley’s sweet face all your second-guesses just melt away. As someone who has never had an addiction problem (I stopped drinking because I was tired of acting like a drunken ass) I toast you with my diet, caffiene free soda. Kudos to you!
Oh that Suebob. Always finding good stuff like that video.
Incidentally, I’m madly in love with Craig Ferguson, and have been for some time, because oh, how delicious he is, accent and all.
As for alcoholism, I can never imagine what it must be like to go through that, and I have a tremendous amount of respect for people like you who get past it and live the battle.
With regard to Britney…I don’t know. I just don’t know. The whole culture of celebrity makes me sad and a little sick, but I won’t pretend that I’m above it, because oh yes, there is a Star in front of me right now and I can’t wait to devour it. I can’t help but think that on some level, people who actively seek celebrity, a la Britney Spears and Anna Nicole Smith, are a little broken at the outset, because why else would they court such widespread adoration? To make matters worse, these same folks are often surrounded by sycophants and leeches who will never give them the kind of tough love they actually need, so it’s one big trip of enablement. I’m not saying they deserve what they get, but to a degree, they did ask for fame, which sadly, cuts both ways.
I think alcoholism is like any disease - it’s entirely genetic. I could easily go the rest of my life without having another drink and I’d never miss it. I have a booze stop-button. Cake on the other hand? NO STOP BUTTON. I had to have my plumbing surgically rearranged in order to find it.
We just have to learn to deal with the genes were dealt. You’re doing great and I admire you for talking about it.
I’m surprised at how interested I have been in the Anna Nicole saga, because I’ve never been interested in her before. Several talking heads have been comparing Anna Nicole to Britney and have been asking if Britney is (was) on her way to the same fate as Anna Nicole. It’s made me think about why I’m interested in both messes. I really think it is because when they reveal all the secrets, the things we (or at least I) didn’t know for sure, they’re showing us exactly how the desire for fame and fortune mixed with the resulting desire for true love, acceptance and privacy affects people like Anna Nicole. It’s not like we couldn’t see how this toxic mix might affect someone, but I sincerely hope that the revelations and discussions help put someone else on the right track. Both women were in sad situations and I hope Britney has found her way out.
There’s this line I heard somewhere that I absolutely love: “And I stop drinking every day.” I don’t remember what context I heard it in, but to me that says that there are some things in our lives that we have to battle every day. And every day we have to make a choice whether to engage in those habits or not. It’s not one of those things in life that is a one-time decision; it’s the choices we have to make again and again that we’re going to stick with it. For me, it’s depression. It’s weird to think that I’ll most likely be on anti-depressants for the rest of my life. It’s never going to be a done deal. Every day I’m going to have to make a choice whether to keep my mind healthy and have thoughts and actions that spur me towards health, or if I’m going to give in to the downward spiral.
Here’s to choosing anew every day…
My great-great grandfather was a self-maid man who promised his wife she will one day live in a palace they passed down the street from where he sold pencils. Through sheer hardwork he did eventually buy his wife the palace. They had one son and that son had 14 children one of them being my grandfather. These kids spent all their wealth and money on alcohol, gambling and living life in grand style when the British were still in India. My mother used to tell me stories of the extreme wealth they had followed by the extreme poverty. Everytime I pass the palace (it’s turned into a museum now in my home town Bangalore) it hurts me so much to think about how they could have done so much good in the country instead of wasting it on alcohol. My grandfather eventually gave up alcohol and did a lot of social work and repented his ways. He learnt his lesson the very hard way.
Your children and your future generations will be proud of you.
Thank you for the point over to Heather’s website. I am totally infatuated with her now.
While I don’t battle alcoholism, I do have an addiction to food. Imagine being an alcoholic and having to have just one drink every single day. It’s so easy to go overboard.
I suppose we all self-medicate in one form or another, don’t we?
I felt the same way after reading Heather’s post - just completely ashamed at making fun of Britney Spears when she obviously has a problem, be it alcoholism or postpartum depression or whatever. I thought about it and realized that it was much easier to judge her (Britney) because she is a celebrity, an image on a screen, and always THERE, so she doesn’t seem real, like a real person, but more a caricature of herself, if you know what I mean…. since we don’t see the real person, we just see the extremes. So I’m resolving to continue with my enjoyment of celebrity gossip without being harsh to these people, even in my own mind (which will be hard to start!!).
Kudos to you on not drinking - stopping anything like that is hard, especially in a culture like ours where happy hour is the way to wind down or enjoy time with family or anything like that. It does suck that you have to be “recovering” for the rest of your life, though, not just “cured”. It’s like cancer in remission - so many cancers you can never say “cured”, it’s always “remission”, because you have to keep this constant vigil. Even though we’re both just some chick on the internet, from me to you - congratulations and I’m proud of you. Awww, the cheesiness….
I have a lot of friends who ask me how I will tell my now-infant child about drugs, if I worry about it or fear she will be inspired(?!) to follow in my footsteps. That last one screws with my head - what must you think of me to believe I could present drug use to my child in a way that would encourage its misuse? But then I hear the reverence in my voice when talking about the good old days, the sadness trembling in my breath when I am caught up in memory from then, and I feel the regret in my belly from making the hardest choice, and I know that my curiosity and brazen F*@! You attitude (the lethal combination that hastened my addiction) is still there, buried down deep under a decade of sobriety. And then, maybe I hope my child never wonders the way I did because maybe I’m not ready to trust myself to handle that same curiosity in her. Here’s hoping she’s so committed to something-anything else that she never looks down that same path and says as I did: “I bet that’s fun, even if it hurts afterwards”. I’ll even happily suffer a fanatical cheerleader than face that part of myself in her.
Thank you. I sent the link to my parents who have been sober now for 6 years. I know what it’s like to grow up with Alcoholic/Addict parents and what you are doing for Riley and yourself is truly a gift. My heart has been aching for Brittney’s children and I am so pleased that someone (especially with a HOT accent) finally said something.
I’ve always loved Craig Ferguson.
When he said, “She’s a baby herself,” I teared up.
Here’s the thing; it may sound twisted, but consider it the words of a woman who lost her father in law to alcoholism…
“Recovering Alcoholic” is a badge…showing the world the strength you have, giving others something to aspire to… Not to be all deep but you show others the light that is right there at the end of their own desparate tunnel. Don’t ever, not ever, be ashamed of that. You have something a lot of us don’t have. Strength to admit to a problem, work through it and be done with it. And you are done with it.
Would that my father in law could have known you.
Truly, there is no such thing as a recovered alcoholic. You are making the choice not to drink every single day, and you should be very proud of yourself that you’ve made the RIGHT choice for you and your family for so many days. My father just celebrated 12 years clean, and he is a completely different, and better, version of the father I had growing up. But he would be arrogant to assume that he is “all better,” because as long as alcohol exists, so does temptation. Linda, it is an amazing feat of strength to overcome an addiction, to manage one…
and Craig Ferguson, *swoon*
That video, your entry and these replies are all so inspiring, so sobering. Thank you for writing and for your continued honesty with a comic twist that you share with us.
On a completely different note, this morning, I heard Wayne Coyne’s essay in the “This I believe” series on NPR about making your own happiness. It’s wonderful, inspiring and you should all hear it. Google “this i believe” and click on the NPR link and you can click on listen. It’s so true, “Happiness makes you cry.”
Keep up the good work, Linda. Thank you, as always, for your honesty. It’s a reminder that we are all human…these things don’t just go away if you become a mom or parent. I don’t go through the same exact struggle but I can relate. :)
Riley is getting so big!
Linda -
I wrote to you a while back about my issues with alcohol, in particular about a DUI. Today is my sentencing. I never wrote to thank you for your words; I was very much lost in my own head and in the emotional hurricane of what happened. Thank you. Thank you for taking the time to talk to someone you don’t know, and thank you for your brilliant, honest writing. Thank you also for today’s post.
Like Shannon above, I am much impressed by your quoting Jayne, but it doesn’t really surprise me. I couldn’t think more highly of you.
Thank you dearly for your words. You might not remember me, but your words meant a hell of a lot to me, and they do still.
Best to you,
Anne
Craig Ferguson is getting the recognition he deserves, in the US, after being largely unappreciated in his homeland. He has a sister Lynne, who is also a very funny comedienne, btw.
I read your post about Britney after reading Heather’s, and thought you had been uncharacteristically hard on the poor girl. My hardnosed 19 yr old daughter had more sympathy! Anyway, I’m going to lay a little bet on here with myself. That boy of yours, whose visage has charmed me endlessly on your pages, is going to be both super-smart, and also…rather…well… naughty. His schoolteachers are going to keep him at the front of the class, where they can keep an eye on him. Don’t ask why, I’m just saying. Butter will not melt..
Sundry, my dad got sober 17 years ago–when I was 23. I love him dearly, and our relationship is wonderful. . . now. The gift you are giving Riley cannot be underestimated. I grew up knowing that the booze came before me. I don’t know if it’s better to have an absent parent than one who is kind, but pretty consistently incapacitated by a hangover. I do know that question gave me a lot of food for thought growing up.
Re: Britney, call me the fun police, but I put down the People magazine a few years ago after hearing Reese Witherspoon tell Oprah what it was like trying to bring her kids to Disneyland. That was before the divorce, when it was just a routine family outing. The photos and videos wouldn’t sell if there was no market. With everything that should be demanding the attention of the American people these days–global warming, the death toll in Iraq–all anyone cares about is Anna Nicole Smith. It’s shameful. Britney Spears and Lindsey Lohan are fish in a barrel. I know people say they are asking for it, but I think it’s more true that what they are asking for is help. I hope I am not taking your comments in an ill-advised direction, but I am glad that someone like Craig Ferguson is saying it’s time to draw a line. He did it so artfully too. At some point empathy is appropriate. Also, I hope people start paying attention to the things that really matter before we find things have gone completely to hell in a handbasket.
okay, you hit me first with that REALLY perfectly timed introspective on marriage and big-life jumps… and then you follow up with Craig Ferguson AND Jayne Cobb? Gods, how cruel that I don’t get to know you in person.
Also - just thanks again to you for being my own personal “Craig Ferguson” on the matters that matter. You = Rock and Rock = You. I don’t mean to burden you with the weight of my undying adoration, but there you go.
And look, there’s MORE to read? :)
I always am glad when you write about this, not to sound awful, but because I understand. I GET IT. And I don’t see a lot of people talking about it. I remember awhile ago you wrote a post (and I’ve tried finding it, couldn’t) and something along the lines of you knew you maybe had a problem when you would open the refrigerator and think “only 4 beers?” and when I read that I thought YES. I did that too. I remember thinking that I didn’t need to have a drink to have a good time and then I went to just SAYING that but thinking “where am I going to get alcohol for this?”, “We should have a drink before going to that” and before I knew it I had a problem. We went from buying six packs occasionally to buying cases of beer. CASES! For just me and my husband. Then I got a DUI one night. It was the most humiliating and awful experience of my life. Even during the required alcohol and drug awareness class I had to take, I sat there thinking “I am not like these people, I shouldn’t be here”. It wasn’t until I found out that I was pregnant that I was able to just. stop. with. the. drinking. And never really wanted to since, and that was two years ago. After stopping I was really able to see just how stupid I looked sometimes, how annoying I must have been. Another reason I just don’t want to is because I don’t want my daughter to ever see me with a drink in my hand. Not that seeing that will make her an alcoholic, but I think it would have deterred me from drinking if I didn’t see my mother do it all the time. I am afraid that seeing a parent do something will make it “okay” and I just am not down with the whole “do what I say not what I do” thing. Besides, I just can’t handle it. I’m not a one drink gal. I am a drink until I am drunk gal. Unfortunately.
You may have written about this, but did J.B. stop drinking also? Did you have to ask? Am I being Crazy Invasive Questioning Stranger?
Welsch, not Scottish.
Don’t mind me, terribly confused. Mixed up with other comic.
You know it’s funny - though you might not find it as such - but my problem with alcohol is the exact opposite. I think how nice (and sophisticated dah-ling) it would be to order a glass of wine with dinner, or how it seems like I’d have had an in with certain people if I could share a beer with them (in my younger, more insecure days when I wanted everyone to love me), but I know that even that one glass could make me throw up the entire next day. My dad and I both have an intolerance to alcohol that builds up over time, so sometimes I can have a drink and I’ll be okay if I haven’t had any in awhile, but the more often I drink, the less it takes to make me ill. It’s almost never worth it to drink for me, but I’ve gotten my share of being hassled about it over the years. So, for the opposite reasons, you and I could raise a glass of sparkling juice together and kick back.
Sundry,
I was thinking about my comment to this post made a few days ago, and it’s been bothering me. I know you had an absent parent, and I didn’t mean to belittle that or give the impression that I had any perspective on what that would be like. Hope I didn’t offend. I have a huge amount of respect for my Dad and others, such as yourself, who’ve managed to stay sober. I’m lucky that I didn’t inherit my dad’s disease, for one because I don’t know if I’d have the strength to beat it.