Mar
28
March 28, 2007
My brain seems stuck lately, a needle skipping over and over the same subjects:
• Methodically identifying low calorie foods that can be devoured in great quantities.
• Questioning whether or not I can trim my own bangs successfully (the answer, as I am sorry to have discovered through ill-advised experimentation, is an unequivocal no).
• Wondering: will I ever be able to do the boat pose without shaking all over like a palsied dog?
• My god, ZOMBIES. Seriously.
Oh, and here’s one I added yesterday—if a coworker (one who is unfortunately privy to my alcohol problems) who once expressed questionably sincere concern over whether or not I would be “okay” at a bar or restaurant where my colleagues might be, gasp, ordering and imbibing their own adult beverages is currently enamored with loudly and publicly calling out my occasional Red Bull can with comments such as “Starting a little EARLY, aren’t you?” and “I guess it must be noon SOMEWHERE”, is there any response Miss Manners would approve of? Because holy god, I have cut out so many previously-pleasurable vices from my life, and have added so many ridiculously HEALTHY habits, I kind of feel like defending my stupid sugar-free Red Bull consumption—and responding to the unsubtle booze comparison—with the kind of enthusiasm that requires a bullhorn and at least fifteen uses of the term “cock-holster”.
But perhaps I’m overreacting a tad. Maybe it’s the taurine.
In other news, Riley is really into numbers lately. He can identify 1, 2, 3, and 8 (”EH!”). I hope it’s a sign that he’s inherited at least some of his father’s ability to deal with math in a manner that doesn’t involve curling into a ball and batting wildly at invisible insects when faced with the following: solve for X.
Also, I’m currently experimenting with running some no-cost little ads on SundryBuzz (below the BlogHer ad stuff) for independent retailers/artists/generally cool people. That site doesn’t get a ton of traffic, but it gets some, so if you’re interested in promoting something of yours, or you know someone who would be, drop me a line.
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60 Responses to “Go shorty”
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Gosh dang it, whenever I post a comment with links, I get stuck in moderation for, like, ever.
Your co-worker’s behavior is SO obnoxious, I think Miss Manners actually might approve of the “cock holster” response! (Which, honestly, I’d like you to explain further, for my entertainment, because I’m not sure I can think of 15 uses of “cock holster”!)
i can imagine just how annoying those coworker’s comments are. i’m not good at handling those types of remarks that you can’t exactly throw a big strop over but needle at you for way longer.
no real good advice. maybe a straightforward, “could you please not?.. thanks.”
Man, I can’t stand people who comment on what I eat and drink at work. You’d think they’d have something better to do, like, um, some work? Ug, I’d suggest asking her the customary time that it’s acceptable to start being a nosy pain in the ass.
Also: red bull doesn’t have that much caffeine. this Mayo Clinic.com site has some nifty comparisons on the amounts of caffeine in beverages. There’s a load of more comprehensive sites on the internet, but this one seems more reputable somehow since people have actually heard of Mayo clinic.
Also, all kinds of studies are showing that, unless you drink a ton of it, caffeine doesn’t do anything bad to you, and may do some good stuff! : )
I wonder why they call it a ‘Boat Pose”? Possible comebacks would be “Gotta start pretty early to put up with the likes of you” or “Not early enough, you’re still irritating”
Are you allowed to shout out, “Mind your own beeswax, bitch!” at work? ‘Cause that’s what I’d be tempted to do. If you are up to promoting my sister’s way-cool jewelry, here’s her site: http://www.freewebs.com/keen-designs/index.htm
I get the best birthday presents since she’s gone into business.
Tell your coworker to fuck off. Oh, wait. that’s not very Miss Manners-ish,is it? Maybe they are just jealous of your new hotness. I know I am, but I wouldn’t say mean things like that, because I’m not an asshole.
I guess I don’t really have a helpful solution.
Ah, now, I would go with, “Aren’t you embarrassed that you said that out loud?” Polite shutdowns are Miss Manners approved!
How about “Step off Bitch” What a C U Next Tuesday! Who the hell does she think she is? I think your feelings are justified. Kind of childish, but if she has confided in you a weakness of her own, then make snide comments about it. See if she likes it.
Aw, I feel bad for your presumably-an-engineer-and-sorta-nerdy co-worker. I’ve worked with nerdy engineers my whole life, god love ‘em. It does take a few whacks upside the head to teach people which things aren’t really very funny, especially the 100′th time they say them.
So, given that the person probably would feel ashamed and sorry if s/he knew that this bothered you, I’d say just have a little one-on-one, ask him/her to do you this one little tiny favor and subsist because, well it bothers you a bit and you’re not even sure why. Just mention it and let it go. I bet they’ll back off. Teaching engineers social behavior is like teaching little kids… they don’t want to be bad, they just don’t know better!
I always wish I could come up with witty, withering, and utterly appropriate comments when confronted with obnoxious people. Alas; I have yet to do so.
I wouldn’t react much, even with a hearty “Fuck Off” (as cathartic as it would be), because I think this would only encourage your ten-year-old co-worker.
How do you respond now? Ignoring it doesn’t make it go away?
You could try, “You know, that was HILARIOUS the first ten times you said it. Now, not so much.” Or something along the lines of, “I think that horse is pretty much beat dead, but thanks for the extra effort.”
Or just, “Bottoms up!” You know, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.
What a jackass! You have my permission to super glue her ass to her chair or her head to the phone or her fingers to her keyboard.
what an uber bitch. i can see how the ‘cockholster’ comment might leap into your head…it certainly did mine. but i find in situations where you’re dealing with someone who thinks they are very clever, and yet totally not, you can’t just go name calling. then they especially think they are smarter than you and will continue to mock you.
next time she says something, give her a long blank look, then say, “oh! i see what you did there. right. you compared my red bull to ALCOHOL. ya. pretty funny.” and then give her a totally bored look like you just had to explain something to a retarded snail or something, and then just walk away, even if she starts to say something back.
People like your co-worker just need a good, hard slap, preferably using a hand with a heavy ring on it. Fuck Miss Manners.
I like Leah’s response. Although I usually just shot evil looks at a male co-worker who used to critique my diet while I was pregnant. As in, “Oh, ANOTHER doughnut?” or “THAT doesn’t look like something that a pregnant woman should be eating” (referring, oddly enough, to a heated Subway sandwich and baked Lays). Some people just think they are funnier than they really are.
I can’t do the boat pose either, its okay. I have a pilates DVD and I just normally sit during that part because I fall over every damn time.
God I hate co-workers. That’s the best thing about working from home - all of my co-workers are virtual!
You can do the mature one-on-one thing and explain to the retarded fuck that not only is it not funny, but it doesn’t even make sense to compare Red Bull to alcohol, especially not to a person who has struggled with alcohol in the past. Or, you can do what I enjoyed doing when I was at a Workplace - study the person for a day or two - pick out the thing he’s most insecure about, and comment away! Believe me, he’ll stop talking to you altogether which would be a really good thing.
On the product/service thing - my friend has a great little business called In the Newsletter. She writes up newsletters for people to send to their friends and families for gloating purposes - I just used it to announce my new house purchase and it turned out awesome. I think i sent you one - anyway, I don’t know if she has advertisements ready to go but I know she’d love the exposure. You can check out her website at http://www.inthenewsletter.com and if you think it’s worth posting on SundryBuzz let me know! A local Seattlite to boot!
I’d be interesting in finding out if the coworker is male or female (we seem fairly evenly divided). When I worked in an all-male office, every time I got upset over something, someone would tell me something like “better lay off the caffeine” because I was known for nursing two cans of Tab (it’s the metallic tar taste that lets you know it’s working) throughout the day. Two cans, not 24. It used to send me from def-con 1 to global thermonuclear war in an instant. My opinions are not chemically based, thank you very much, any more than they are hormonal.
I have a coworker who was stuck on commenting DAILY when I had to take a pill that I take every morning. She would hear me digging my medication out the bottle and shout over the cubicle wall, “TAKING SOMETHING GOOD???” It is actually nothing even very interesting at all and nothing I’d even be embarassed to yell out to everyone in the office about but GOOD GOD I WAS ANNOYED.
Finally, one morning I turned to her and said (with a touch of kind concern in my voice), “Is there something going on with you? You seem to be compelled to comment on this every day and that seems odd to me. You might want to think about what that is saying about you.”
She’s never commented since.
So I say, put it back on your coworker. Say something like, “Is there something going on with you? You comment a lot on my consumption of Red Bull and what I drink doesn’t really have anything to do with you. What do you think that’s about?” And then just sit there and look at her in silence, waiting for her answer. Should be suitably awkward that she might KNOCK IT OFF.
I’d bet the bitchy one is jealous of you, maybe it’s not apparent why, but that sort of behaviour is usually sparked by envy. That might not make her behaviour acceptable, and there is likely very little you can do to make her desist .UNLESS! You could call her out, totally, by “coming out” 100% the next time she does it, ie explain to the assembled group why, and how, she is trying to embarrass you. You have no reason to be afraid of censure- you are dealing with what used to be a problem– successfully. Your co-workers might respect you more, in fact. Of course, it’s none of their business, but then, once you have cleared the air, she hasn’t got that “secret” to hold over you, no more power to make you feel awkward. Good luck, and thanks for the term cock-holster, I’m sure I can find an opportunity to introduce it into a conversation soon!
Oooo, ad me to your site! I get NO traffic! Of course, I don’t post as often as you do, but when I do there is some magic sometimes.
Thanks!
JennB
www.opaqueprintproduction.com/jbblog
I am embarassed to admit this, but I used to think Red Bull WAS alcohol, so maybe s/he is just confused. But, if s/he really knows what you are actually drinking, then I agree with justmouse, be sarcastic and a little rude, it is probably what your co-worker would respond to best.
I don’t know Michelle, if I someone said that to me for taking a pill everyday I would be tempted to say “They’re for Tourette Syndrome you fucking Asshat” ;-)
On the SundryBuzz recommendation foir using honey on your face — did you know honey is a natural antiseptic? It kills bacteria because the density of the liquid inside a bacterial cell must equalize with the density of the liquid on the other side of the cell’s membrane. Since honey is much thicker than bacterial cell contents, it effectively vacuums out the bacteria — et voila, near-instant death to all bacteria — without any harsh chemicals or drying agents!
I don’t know if this is why helps your skin look better, but it’s a handy tip if you find yourself with a badly skinned knee on vacation in some remote little Italian town that sells nothing remotely resembling Bacitracin or any similar products but that does sell honey at the little grocery store right next to the bus stop where you have to catch your bus in three minutes.
Also — on the Bare Escentuals foundation — do you have naturally smooth & poreless skin? If not, how do you get the foundation to apply evenly?
I think Michelle’s idea is great! You turn it into “concern” for her well being and yet communicate that it is totally bizzare that she comments every damn time you drink a red bull. It will communicate what you need to with out at all appearng rude or inappropriate in any way.
I like Michelle’s response, although my initial reaction was that a fist in your coworker’s face might get her to shut the eff up. So, you know, either way. What is WITH people?
Like Em, I cannot deal with coworkers commenting on my food/drink choices. If we have a department lunch and I don’t eat anything (usually because I brought my own, healthier lunch or I’m just not hungry because it’s noon and I like to eat at two), someone invariably makes an issue out of it. And I once had an officemate who would remark on my lunch EVERY DAY. I almost had to throw her out the window, but thankfully she got fired so I didn’t have to.
OMFG these responses to the coworker crack me up. Man, it’s been a long day, and I needed a laugh like that. THANKS!!!!
2 diet snacks for you to try: 100-calorie English Muffins and 100-calorie chocolate & caramel Chex Mix. The latter comes in little pouches and totally does the trick if you want something with a little crunch to it - I find that is what much “diet” food lacks - the satisfying crunch. It doesn’t exactly fill you up, per se, but if no one ever told you this was a low-calorie snack, you’d be deviously snarfing handfuls of this (not so) sinful mix and thinking, “Damn the pre-baby jeans!” Yeah. It’s that good.
I say be straightforward with the snide coworker and tell him or her that you’re not sure if they think what they’re saying is funny, but you don’t see the humor and actually find it offensive, not to mention irritating. You’ll probably get one of those “Geez, I was just kidding! Can’t you take a joke?” defenses that people use to make you feel bad for not putting up with their bad manners, but then he or she will probably quit doing it (and hopefully feel just a little bit bad about it, too).
Or just kick him in the nuts/her in the ovaries.
I also like Michelle’s answer to the obnoxious co-worker. Not sure why people feel compelled to make the same inane comment all the time. I always think of at least 3 witty comebacks about an hour after the fact - wish I could think faster. I blame the poor, sick child and my lack of sleep.
That co-worker deserves a swift kick to the shins. He clearly doesn’t care about your best interests.
God I hate COWORKERS…they suck…..
I say, the next time they say it…simply reply….”Congratulations, you are a winner..that was the MILLIONTH time you commented on my Red Bull” Then in a very game show hosty voice say…”Bob..tell her what she has won!”
Linda, did you place this ad on Craigslist? :)
http://seattle.craigslist.org/est/wan/300323082.html
I tend to go with an, “And I would be answerable to you because … ?” complete with raised eyebrow and steady gaze. Because, of course, it is simply ridiculous for someone to think they can make you answerable to them, even about things they mistakenly think they are being amusing about.
Whether she means to be or not, she is being an insensitive git and you don’t deserve to be on the receiving end of it.
Good luck :).
That is inexcusably rude in general, and at work? Please. If I may make a wild assumption, said co-worker is an unprofessional twit.
So, no … I don’t think you’re overreacting. :) Maybe I am, but not you.
Tell that bitch to fuck off and then punch her in the throat. And if possible, kick her till she’s unconcious and spray her with old cat urine. And maybe even tattoo a flacid cock on her face if you’re in a really bad mood.
Nothing pisses me off more than people who act like total ass holes about other peoples alcohol problems. I’ve dealt with that uncouth shit and I really don’t have any problem busting out an array of verbal an physical abuse on their asses. Turns out I function as a whole much better when not intoxicated, but I’m a mean sober when I can’t take the edge off. Thank God for other vices. Sorry you had to give all yours up. Good luck with the boat pose, that looked harder than the pile driver.
You could try a less intense boat pose and work up to the harder one. Just bend your knees and keep your feet off the floor, with your back and arms in the same position. It’s less insanely hard with all the benefits.
Well, everyone seems to have covered the appropriate (?) responses to your lovely co-worker, so how about a suggestion for the diety snacks you are needing? Try checking http://www.hungry-girl.com/ for ideas. You can also subscribe to her email and she has great suggestions - lots of new products.
For the Miss Manners thing, I would probably just lose it. I don’t lose my temper a lot, but I do when someone is really pissing me off and theres no other way to tell them to shut the fuck up.
1. Wow! really impressive of Riley!
2. You should discreetly ask your co-worker to stop. Say given what she/he knows about your past. Say it makes you uncomfortable. Alcoholism is a disability under the Americans with Disabilities Act and such harassment is very likely unlawful (I have never had a case exactly like this but similar) if your employer (any manager) knows about it and your “conditon” and doesnt stop the comments (ie if you complain). This is serious and you have a right not to have your workplace be uncomfortable.
Pretty sure the Miss Manners Approved Response would be something like, “I can’t imagine why you’d be interested enough to comment.”
I’m pretty sure that dude/chick has no idea what he’s saying isn’t funny and is, ah, maybe using it to try to bond. While it’s unquestionably rude, and if it were me, I’d think about knocking him or her senseless, I get that alcoholism is clearly something he has no experience with, nor the skills to deal with it.
It doesn’t seem your style to go all HR on his ass, and besides, I’ve never found that to be particularly effective. I’d probably just respond one day with, “DUDE. We get it. HAHAHAHA. NOT FUNNY. Knock it off.” and roll my eyes.
“I do it so that I can bask in your lame insults.” delivered with a smile in an equally loud and cheery voice.
An Urban Baby Runway ad would be great! The mama behind it (Cara) is absolutely fabulous! =D
http://urbanbabyrunway.com/
I know that this is really just a minor parenthesis in your entry, but I just wanted to share that when I do boat pose? I totally do the tremors thing too. (Not encouraging: I have been doing yoga for some 6 or 7 years now. Somewhat encouraging: I am something of a slack-ass about it, so that probably explains it.) I’m sure it’ll fade out as you stick to your Turbo-jamming and develop fearsome, Amazon abs of tunsten.
Somewhat more on topic: I say let the cock-holsterers have it. I don’t know why commenting on other peoples’ lifestyles isn’t considered shit-talking, but it should be. And that’s just rude.
Lurker no more,
chriss
One of the best responses to rude behavior that I have used again and again is to greet the offending question/comment with a cold stare and say calmly and firmly, “I beg your pardon?” and wait in silence while the offending party stammers for words and eventually runs out of steam. But you have to hold your ground with it, and when they run out of steam, continue about the conversation without any mention of the offensive comment/question. It works every single time.
Wow, that co-worker’s remarks are really….are exceptionally….are truly….I mean, holy crap. What I’d do is fantasize about all the really great things I could/should say (I’m a fan of justmouse’s suggestion above), but I’d say none of them because I am a nonconfrontational, confrontation-avoiding, please-god-no-confrontations wimp, and I would pour my Red Bull into a coffee mug and hope that THAT would stop the remarks.
I’m with Swistle–When someone (at work) does something that really pisses me off, I think of all these really great little snide comebacks but uh…yeah, that whole complete and total fear of confrontation stops me from saying anything. However, you seem to be alot more brave, so maybe if you just looked at her, with the ‘puzzled/something stinks’ look and just say “Is that a problem?”, it should hopefully stop the harassment. Either that or you know, make it worse.
And re: the zombies–is it a bad sign that when I look out at my backyard at night (totally lit up in a creepy way by a light on a utility pole) I would totally NOT be surprised to see the undead out there? If it takes more than 5 minutes to fall asleep, I find myself totally formulating ‘Escape from house/What to grab in case of Zombie attack’ plan.
I think Michelle has the winning answer to your problem. But if it doesn’t work, you may want to resort to poking this person in the eye with a sharp stick every time s/he comments.
Some of the responses are close. I’ve used this one and trust me, it works. You simply look at him/her, straight in the eye, with something like a cool stare, firm but not mad, and in a very calm voice, just loud enough for everyone to hear but not screaming say… fuck you. Then keep the unrelenting eye contact, and watch the fun. It works even better coming from a woman. If it’s a snide shot at the fact you’re not drinking booze I’ve used “You don’t EVEN want to see me drunk”. Another I’ve used is “I had to quit drinking because last time I drank I very nearly killed some dumb son-of-a-bitch and all he did was ask me a stupid question”.
Pick the one you like, they all work. Good luck.
I would like a free ad, please.
Also, would a really well-rehearsed withering Stare of Death shut up the socially retarded coworker?
hahaha @ josh….couldn’t have said it better myself.
Am I missing something but what does Red Bull have to do with drinking alcohol?
And when did she become your keeper?
I find that incredibly rude.
A friend of mine has a maternity shop in town and she has really struggled to find a steady clientele. She has recently ventured into online sales and has plans to revamp her site. I think she would be a great candidate if you wouldn’t mind featuring a retailer from upstate NY. Her name is Sarah Otto and her shop is greatexpectationsmaternity.com.
And the Red Bull thing, you’re stuck, any retort is going to make you seem defensive or bitchy. Why not start shring your responses with us, we could start a forum for the: esprit d’escalier
esprit d’escalier (e-SPREE des-kal-i-YE) noun, also esprit de l’escalier
Thinking of a witty remark too late; hindsight wit or afterwit. Also such a remark.
I think I am in love with Josh.
Though his suggestions were the best, truly, I think that you’ll have to do something a little less dramatic. Michelle’s suggestion is excellent - turn it back on that snot. Even just asking her point blank why she feels its necessary to comment on your Red Bull intake should throw her off balance, especially if you look all serious and are definitely not laughing. Dumb whore -whoops, did I say that?
Okay, and whoever said “Asshat” made me laugh out loud.
I think it’s completely rude but maybe jonniker is right about what to say and your style. The idiot may not even realize how stupid, annoying and rude they are. I never have the right comment at the right time but I’m going to keep Leah’s comment in my back pocket. :)
1. Rude co-workers suck. I once went on a match.com date and the guy I was with told me how many calories were in each of my dishes. I was so insulted, I ordered a huge dessert and ate the whole thing just to spite him.
2. I can not access your email without setting up a .mac account on my comuter and I was interested in the SundryBuzz ad thing. I’m an artist, so if you wouldn’t mind emailing me, I would love to point you in the direction of my website. Thank you!
regarding the coworker and her asinine comments. maybe just say nothing?
i mean… total. silence.
even if she repeats herself. or says something new related to the red bull thing.
silence.
let her stupidity speak for itself as her uncalled for comment just hands in the air.
if people know she’s being an ass, the situation will speak for itself.
if they don’t know any back story then it just passes with no one the wiser.
if she keeps going and you answer with silence or walking away or silence and then talking about a completely unrelated subject then maybe she will get the hint to stuff it.
also, i need to get my bangs trimmed too. i will take your advice and go to the professionals. :)
Hide the mystery beeper somewhere near this assinine co-worker’s desk. Regarding the counting–what is it about “8″? My boys count 1, 2, 3, 8 too. (Sometimes lately 1, 2, 3, 9. Go figure. Perhaps someone at daycare is perpetuating a fraud.)
Boat really does get easier, even if you still shake. It even gets kind of fun, in a sort of freaky way. Now, plow, I don’t like. I hate the feet-over-the-head thing, it freaks me out.
And I’d grind your coworker up into little pieces for being such a dickhead.