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Mar

26

Stress relievers

March 26, 2007

I’ve started recording “Inhale”, the Oxygen channel yoga show with relaxed-and-groovy instructor Steve Ross, in order to spend each evening winding myself into complicated, painful bendy-straw positions. After the first workout, I noticed certain parts of my body were sore (”certain parts” meaning “every single muscle fiber between the top of my scalp and the tip of my big toe”), but now I’m really enjoying it. It’s so, so relaxing and my entire body feels tingly and happy afterwards. I even managed to convince JB to give it a try, and while he would like to know what in the hell Steve Ross does with his balls during the “Happy Cow” position because jesus, he’s tried tucking up and he’s tried tucking down and there’s just no way to avoid self-squashing goddamnit, he grudgingly admitted that he felt “very stretchy” afterwards.

My past week has involved multiple Turbo Jam workouts, some challenging yoga routines, and a diet that—excepting Friday’s lustful dalliance with the box of Junior Mints—consisted mainly of greens, fiber, lean protein, fruit, and freaky non-foods such as sugar-free Jello. And yet when I stepped on the scale this morning, its beshitted little digital readout displayed a number two pounds heavier than last Monday.

Do you remember the scene at the end of True Romance when the big gunfight is going on and Michael Rapaport’s character screams this howl of frustration over all the trouble the case of stolen coke has brought into their lives and he violently hurls the case into the air? That is exactly what I wanted to do with my scale this morning, ideally while pumping it full of .223 bullets, their cases falling onto the bathroom floor in a metallic tinkling clatter drowned out by my own rage filled battle cry and the ear-shattering explosive sounds of my Mini-14 rifle releasing round after round of deadly force into its stupid fucking 2-pound-weight-gain FACE.

Ahem.

Or maybe I should just stop weighing myself, because it kind of seems to be working against that whole yoga-relaxation effort.