April 4, 2007

There has been a Mysterious Odor wafting around in my kitchen the last couple days and it’s driving me crazy. I’ve scoured the dish disposal and sinks and peered around in the refrigerator shelves but no culprit has yet revealed itself. It’s like something vegetative and partially rotted crawled down the drain to die (cue Barney Gumble: “It didn’t die!”) and has been periodically releasing gaseous blasts from its bloated corpse ever since. I need a specially trained rescue dog to come in and find the offending broccoli particle or long-expired rodent or whatever in HELL it is. Also, I’d like JUST ONCE for a Mystery Kitchen Odor to be a good one, a sort of lingering warm delicious vanilla or something, and when we looked for the source we would find—hooray!—a giant basket of just-baked cookies, left by magical elves, and the cookies would have no calories and they would be chewy and crispy at the same time.

Also also, ALSO, I am thoroughly tired of my hair. Yesterday I was so frustrated with its general crappitude and the flat, dangling bangs I had stupidly trimmed myself a couple weeks go (leaving them just as bad as before except with less symmetry), I made a last-minute appointment at the same salon I swore I would never visit again after they bumped me for being a few minutes late. They’re just down the street from my office, so convenience won over morals, sort of like our home recycling efforts.

The lady who cut my hair tut-tutted the whole time over the last cut I got, which reminded me of how much that stylist had tut-tutted about the cut I had before her. Yesterday’s stylist also bashed my original stylist who used to work at the same salon (“Vanessa and her razor cuts. Whatever.”), besmirched my lovely Bumble & bumble Gentle Shampoo (“You need to drop that mess and get the Seaweed, girl”), and ultimately left my hair lopsided, the right edge of the bob hanging down below the left, which of course I only noticed after I got home.

So I’m sick of trying out stylists and I’m sick of fussing over my hair. If I had any fuzz on my peaches I’d shave my damn head and buy a festive selection of wigs, not the trashy Britney wigs but luxurious head-pelts made from chinchilla and the belly fur of Angora rabbits.

What? The pelts would be harvested humanely, jesus, what kind of rabbit-scalping monster do you think I am?

Speaking of agonizing deaths and all, I would like to heartily recommend against reading How We Die. I started reading it and thought it was interesting, then I got all wigged out by an account of a child’s murder, then I thought it was interesting again, and then I read the chapters on AIDS and cancer deaths, and now I’m wondering what the fuck my problem is that I would read a book like that. I am of course also obsessively scrutinizing my body for malignant tumors. Just a nonstop funfest, that book, as long as you consider reading about the inevitable end of life and all the horrors it may cause in its painful, dwindling process to be fun.

Instead, you should read Plainsong if you haven’t already, because it’s just lovely and wonderful and I re-read it recently and it was even better the second time around.

Well, what do you have planned for the upcoming weekend? I would normally ask you later in the week, but I’m bored NOW. Plus, we’ll be on the road tomorrow for another pilgrimage to Coos Bay for some grandparent-time, and that’s our weekend: hanging around JB’s parents’ house, maybe going to the beach if the weather doesn’t suck, and hurtling along I-5 singing “Old MacDonald Had a Brain Seizure Because He Had to Sing This Goddamn Song Again”. How about you?

Comments

69 Responses to “Whiffs, haircuts, weekend activities”

  1. thejunebug on April 5th, 2007 1:47 am

    I’m really looking forward to doing some spring cleaning (NOW who’s the bored one?), and I have some curtains that need putting up. Laundry, too. If I’m feeling really dangerous, I might go to the farmer’s market instead of the grocer for vegetables.

  2. veralynn on April 5th, 2007 5:48 am

    Busy weekend of catchup here for the bf and me…house projects, laundry and errands abound. Apparently dodging SNOWSHOWERS Saturday ick! Booking up some hotels and travel plans for our vacation in Switzerland and Germany later this month. I am determined there MUST still be a hotel room left in Munich somewhere. Philly’s fabulous 2-week film festival starts today so hopefully will catch a cool flick at some point, too.

  3. H on April 5th, 2007 6:06 am

    Just a thought — could #2 be on the way? When I was pregnant with my daughter, I could not get over a god awful smell in my kitchen that was overwhelming (and disgusting) to me. Everyone else could smell it, but it didn’t bother them like it bothered me. Never did identify it, we think it was a spice in the spice rack, or maybe a combination of spicy smells.

    Daughter is nearing the end of her confirmation education, which requires church attendance at multiple services by the entire family every day from today through Sunday. Otherwise, we’ll do deep spring cleaning as we’ll host family when she finally is confirmed and then a month later, a graduation open house for my son.

  4. Emily on April 5th, 2007 6:36 am

    Just a note on cookies with few calories and are both chewy and crispy at the same time: chocolate-chocolate chip meringue cookies at Whole Foods. (Tub of…15? for appx $3) They are chewy but incredibly light, if you leave them out for a few hours the outside gets crunchy but the centers are still chewy… it’s like magic. And the mini-chocolate chips are a nice texturizer too.
    Plus, little to no fat. (Sugar calories don’t count in my world, so consume responsibly…)

  5. Cavu on April 5th, 2007 7:43 am

    The stank could also be the bacteria-party going on inside your kitchen sponges. Toss them and see if that helps.

    Hair: Girl, e-mail every chick you know within a 100 mile radius who has cool hair and ask them who their stylist is. Returning to a crappy stylist is plain foolishness, no matter how much you deserve a fixed-do for free. Finding a stylist you absolutely love and trust is difficult, but priceless.

  6. justmouse on April 5th, 2007 8:02 am

    i never usually answer your ‘what are you doing this weekend?’ questions, because, frankly, my life is dull. and boring. and pretty much always the SAME every damn weekend.

    but like you, i’m bored. soooo, anyways… i am finally going to get my hair done. i haven’t dyed it in about 3 months (um…ugly blond roots, anyone?) and i haven’t had it cut in probably 8 months or more. my split ends have split ends. it’s gross. other than that…the only thing i have planned for the whole long weekend is unpacking all of our crap. we just moved. we knew we were pack rats, but it really hit home when we filled one and a half extra long garbage bins (you know those giant ones people rent when they do things like renovations, or say…cleaning up after hurricanes?) ya. filled it. to the brim. and we STILL have more stuff than we have room. funny, our new place didn’t LOOK that small…hmmm.

    i also need to fix the blinker in my car. the one on the right. in teh back. it doesn’t work. so while i really am signaling to merge…it still just looks like i’m being a giant asshole and cutting in front of people.

    also, at some point i want to actually have time to soak in a tub full of fragrant bubbles with a book, some sniffy candles, and perhaps even a glass of wine. *sigh*

    see? dull.

  7. Rene on April 5th, 2007 8:20 am

    re: disturbing kitchen stink. Gotta be a potato or lemon. Two of the most sneaky stink-producers EVER. Hate!

  8. Shannon on April 5th, 2007 8:57 am

    My husband and I are heading up to Orcas Island on Friday, staying at the Rosario Resort for which we are getting a 40% discount on because. . . we are volunteering three hours of our time on Saturday morning to help clean up the state park on the island that was trashed by winter windstorms! Then we’ll do some hiking and drink much wine/eat much cheese & crackers in our fancy room later that evening with friends.

  9. Karen on April 5th, 2007 9:26 am

    Ohmigod. Go back. Go back to that salon and show them that they made you lopsided. Most places have a week grace period for you while you find things like that. I went in to get a trim and got the damn Jennifer Aniston haircut circa 1997. I went back the next day (in tears, but that’s another story) and they “fixed” it. It looked less like Jennifer and I was less likely to go postal with the acid that they soak the combs in. I totally recommend you go back. No one deserves to be lopsided unless it’s on purpose!

    Ok. I’ll stop ranting now. It just irritates me when hair dressers think they are more important than they are and subsequently do a bad job. You deserve a great hair cut!

  10. kj on April 5th, 2007 9:29 am

    I haven’t read any comments yet but I, too, had a Stench That Would Not Die in my apartment a few years back when I was a troglodite. Turns out, the smell (a wafty heft of warm, wet sausage and sour-milk-breath with every lungfull) came from a long-forgotten knob of garlic that had squirreled itself away into the darkest corner of a cabinet which I NEVER used.
    No idea how it got there but I’m pretty sure it was satan. (santa?)
    Four days and a metric butt-load of lysol later… the smell was gone forever. Took a month to sort it out though: from noticing the fait “hunh” smell, to living in a cloud of stench, to finding the putrid garlic and being rid of it once and for all.
    Now, in my new house – we are joyfully Stench-Free and we keep our non-zombie garlic inside a nice little glass jar that we keep on the counter. Fear the putrid zombie garlic. Fear it.

  11. nstig8r on April 5th, 2007 10:43 am

    i am going to try to paint my hallway & bedroom (i said this before & didn’t do it). and i will probably play guitar hero II entirely too much. but it’s fun!! i might also go rent a movie b/c i haven’t watched any in a long time and surely there will be something new & interesting to watch by now.

  12. bad penguin on April 5th, 2007 10:58 am

    I loved Plainsong. I should go reread that book.

    I am getting my hair cut and colored. I’m thinking of going blonder. I hope it goes better than your cut did, although any stylist who bashes my beloved Bumble and Bumble is suspect in my mind.

  13. The Other Ali on April 5th, 2007 11:28 am

    On the stylist note: I love mine. He is fantastic. He is a god gifted in the ways of hair wizardry. That said, he’s also in Florida. (He does like to fly, though. How desperate are you?)

    BUT! Allow me to say this: DO. NOT. RETURN. to the crappy stylist. That is the first of thy hair commandments. You can always do better.

    As for the weekend, well, hmmm. I hate to break the mold here, but I actually have a freaking great weekend planned. Friday is a friend’s b’day party at a rockin Irish pub, Sat is my first solo skydiving session and Sunday the new BF gets introduced to the parents**.

    **Am WAY MORE NERVOUS about the BF meeting the parents than I am about jumping out of a perfectly good airplane.

  14. Lumpyheadsmom on April 5th, 2007 11:35 am

    So I’m guessing the toss-away comment on home recycling means you don’t have a recycling bin? I’m not judging, but I was going to suggest that as the first place to look for Mystery Odor, and if you don’t actually have a bin, then that suggestion would just be dumb (instead of just a run-on sentence).

    We had Mystery Odor for two weeks in our kitchen. We washed the trash can, cleaned the microwave, ground up half a dozen lemons in the garbage disposal, and even mopped the damn floor.

    Then we realized the babysitter had thrown salmon skin in the recycling bin.

  15. AmyW on April 5th, 2007 1:05 pm

    I love the superhero jewelry! So spring!

    Delight.com always hurts my wallet.

  16. Lori on April 5th, 2007 1:43 pm

    I am always so happy to hear that people loved Plainsong. Kent Haruf was one of my professors in school and served on my thesis committee and I feel like I had a definitely brush with greatness back then. He’s a lovely man and brilliant writer.

  17. Nicole on April 7th, 2007 7:45 am

    I am at the inlaws, drinking coffee and trying to wake up :> Wine and golf country for the weekend. Turkey tomorrow. Turkey coma tomorrow night.

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