May 7, 2007

Remember how I was crabbing that JB didn’t get me anything last Mother’s Day and this year he suggested a trip to the cabin instead of diamond-studded pancakes in bed and OMG, wah, etc? Well, this year for our wedding anniversary he got me a box of presents, a lovely card, and I got him . . . nothing.

We said no gifts! WE SAID NO GIFTS GODDAMNIT. Does using caps lock absolve my guilt? NO IT DOES NOT BUT IT FEELS GOOD.

So I’m a shithead, basically, and I think the time for shutting up about manufactured holidays is now.

Also, I think JB deserves some sort of Beyond the Call of Spousal Duty Recognition Award for accompanying me to Nordstrom’s on Saturday and semi-patiently cooling his heels nearby while I tried on literally 439175 pairs of “premium denim” jeans. I believe some of you male readers may know the exquisite hell of having your woman emerge from the dressing room, disheveled and sweaty from the cardio workout required to repeatedly climb in and out of a pile of pants with various fits from “it’s Hammertime” to “Code blue! Asphyxiation eminent!”, position herself in front of you and ask the world’s most clichéd and horrifying question:

“Do these jeans make my ass look fat?”

I also asked if these jeans looked like they were worth their astronomical pricetag, and JB could only shrug frantically, waving his hands in what may have been a fervent hope to flag down any passing emergency vehicles so he could be evacuated from the situation. “They look good, baby,” he said, clamping his lips against the rest of the sentence he so clearly wished to shriek at top volume (if I stay here one more minute I will burn this department store to the ground and crap on its rubble, so whatever they cost please for the love of god just buy them and let’s go).

“But did the Sevens look better?” I mused, frowning and twirling a lock of hair.

I managed to decide on a pair of Joe’s (sized for short people, apparently. But I’m 5’5″! And a half!) before JB’s head exploded, thanks to a very helpful salesgirl who not only brought me every style in the store, but also coached me through my fear of low rise (it’s true these jeans are totally different from Old Navy or Gap low rise—which is to say they are low, but they stay put) and instructed me to stick with the 29s that were a little snug because they would stretch to a perfect fit (and she was right!).

Here is a crappy photo taken in the Westin’s mirror of the jeans, which I may have already outgrown thanks to all the pigging out we did over the weekend.


Anyway, I am loving my new jeans and I think they go quite nicely with the $8.99 gas mask bag (perfectly sized for carrying a Nikon around!) from the army surplus store that I also bought this weekend. I am very fancy.

It was nice to relax all weekend, knowing that Riley was in good hands:


But we missed him. I mean, the Westin may have had room service and deliciously crisp bedsheets, but did it have this kind of quality entertainment?


No, it did not. Although I’m sure housecleaning is glad for that.


30 Responses to “Guilty material”

  1. Emily on May 7th, 2007 9:13 am

    Oooo, can you fit all your lenses in that bag. too?

  2. Rayne on May 7th, 2007 9:14 am

    The jeans look smokin’ hot!

  3. warcrygirl on May 7th, 2007 9:15 am

    I asked my hubby that exact same question on a pair of jeans a size smaller than I normally wear. His answer? “No, but it does look wide. But that’s okay, it’s smaller now. You used to have a bubble butt.” Um, good save? And I’m only 5′ 4″ (and a half!) so you’re like a towering giant compared to me. LOVE how you look in those jeans.

  4. JennB on May 7th, 2007 9:18 am

    Yes, but where are the presents?
    Also: I do not think your ass looks fat. I don’t think it’s capable of doing so.

  5. Zoot on May 7th, 2007 9:21 am

    Wow. You look fantastic in those jeans. I still have about 12lbs left to go on my weight-loss journey and I think seeing how awesome you look has been the best motivation yet. GREAT JEANS.

  6. Pete on May 7th, 2007 9:37 am

    Every time my wife asks if I want to go cloths shopping with her I say “Sure, then we can go to Home Depot and look at tools”, or go to Frys and look at computer junk. Haven’t had to go cloth shopping since.

  7. Kate on May 7th, 2007 9:43 am

    The shoes are killing me.

  8. jonniker on May 7th, 2007 9:50 am

    I love premium denim. I figure you should spend the most money on the stuff you wear most often, and I’m all about the jeans.

    Also, Riley looks DRUNK in that picture on the bike. It’s hilarious.

  9. Swistle on May 7th, 2007 9:50 am

    The jeans are GREAT. The present thing is IMPOSSIBLE. You can’t be mad about him going back on the agreement, because PRESENTS. But on the other hand: AGREEMENT!

  10. Melissa on May 7th, 2007 10:28 am

    Great jeans! I love the hat and shoes on Riley!!

  11. donna on May 7th, 2007 10:38 am

    Re: the gas mask bag, I have from a different store, the german medic bag, but it has no pockets on the inside, it is just the bag, but I do like it, and paid 12 bucks for it, online…..
    I am carrying my nikon d80 in a mountainsmith tour bag, it is a combo butpack, backpack, or hand bag. I don’t have room for ANYthing other than my camera and lenses though, I’ve even got the micro lens in the bottle holder and a snake bite kit in the other bottle holder. I do some hiking out where that could be a problem.
    I really love it as a backpack though you have to buy the backpack straps separately, and it has the strap that goes across your chest so it doesn’t slip. Loops and straps everywhere for other stuff.

    And you look great in those jeans, I looked at the anniversary pictures, and you look lean, JB looks mean!
    This is what I do when we decided not to get each other presents. I go and buy a gift card to his favorite store, and then if he gets stuff, I whip it out, if not, then I either cash it back in, or wait till the next holiday. It’s a big win win!

  12. Sabine on May 7th, 2007 11:40 am

    I have one of those bags from the Army Surplus too, and I use it for my camera also. :) Love the jeans, and you look freakin’ fantastic!

  13. fellowmom on May 7th, 2007 12:19 pm

    I got a lump in my throat reading about your weekend, which took me by surprise. What I wouldn’t give for a family member to watch my kids for an afternoon, let alone a whole weekend. Granted I have two, but the prenatal promises remain unfufilled. Lucky you, in so many ways. Riley looks like he had fun too, and your jeans are worth it.

  14. Joanne on May 7th, 2007 12:24 pm

    You look great in the jeans, totally. It’s funny I saw the first picture of Riley on the bike and I loved his shoes – I thought I’ll have to ask her where they’re from and then I scrolled down to the second picture and I thought ‘but I’ll have to be really clear about which shoes I mean’. Ha!

  15. Mel on May 7th, 2007 12:41 pm

    When I started working out to lose weight, I loved being able to go to the store and try on jeans that fit! Congratulations!! And I’m glad your weekend went well.

  16. MRW on May 7th, 2007 1:18 pm

    My husband does this to me all the time. Frankly, it’s kind of embarrassing being a chick and being the less romantic one of the couple. My husband has other issues, but when women start complaining about how unromantic their spouses are, I just shut up because, well that would be me. I’m sure if guys complained about that kind of thing, my husband would top almost all stories. Sad.

  17. Bianca on May 7th, 2007 2:07 pm

    Okay, seriously. You’re getting thin…too thin. Do we have to do an intervention? j/k But seriously, I can’t believe how much slimmer you look in what is actually such a short amount of time. Go you!!!

  18. Sheila on May 7th, 2007 2:08 pm

    Great jeans. I actually went today and found a couple pair for myself. My husband would literally have to be dragged along, so I took my 3 year old (not by choice, of course). She did great and even offered compliments on every last pair.

  19. Lawyerish on May 7th, 2007 2:52 pm

    Love the jeans, love the gas mask bag ($8.99!), love JB being Mr. Romantique.

    Whenever asked to opine on the fit of an article of clothing, my husband mutters, “I’m walking through minefields here.” Poor guy. Nothing he can say is right (even though he usually goes with the standard, “You look great! Beautiful! You always look beautiful! I love everything you’ve tried on! BEAUTIFUL!” while he sweats bullets and hopes for a swift death), because if he says he likes option 1 over option 2, I have to grill him about why option 2 is bad — my butt looks monstrous, doesn’t it? YOU ARE ADMITTING THAT I’M FAT, AREN’T YOU?

    God. We are a total cliche.

  20. Josh on May 7th, 2007 3:09 pm

    Why would you ever ask that question? The ass/fat/jeans one. And how can jeans even make asses look fat? First off, skinny chicks are not cool. They snap like twigs and severely lack in the cuddle factor. I mean, they are great if you are into pelvic bruises and you like your womans profile to look like a lower case L. Whatever floats your boat.

    But I need some junk in the trunk. Ask any pirate, they’ll tell you trunks are better when they are stuffed with booty. And if Ted Nugent is around, he’ll throw in something witty about thunder thighs and you can call it a night, because, honestly if you just met Ted Nugent and some Pirates all at once, it’s probably time to go home.

    And back to the jeans. How can they make an ass that looks nice in some other pair of pants look fat all of a sudden? Is there some sort of denim fat magic? Levis voodoo powers that add cellulite and jiggles of the gross persuasion? Come on peoples, jeans make all asses look good. (except the jacked up to the armpits style that was popular in the eighties. Those make good asses disappear into some evil vortex of shame and uglyness) Jeans even make asses that actually are fat look good. Just find a pair that feel comfortable, get one size smaller so everybody can see your ass, and be on your way. Your ass will look fine.

    And on the topic of ass, don’t worry about JB getting his feelings hurt. Men don’t have feelings. We are (nigh) invincible. Just throw him some dome. He’ll be happy, I promise.

    And I like the Jordans Fisherman in the background of the picture with Riley riding the wheeled thing. I suppose that would be the Grandpa. Tell him I would trust him with my microwavable fish products any day. He’s got that kind of face, you can’t help but trust him.

  21. Gentry on May 7th, 2007 3:21 pm

    Hey, I know the owners of J0es jeans. They’re French. So they’re made for French people, not short people. (Which is essentially the same, in this the land o’ les shrimps). But the owners and whole company are really nice. I thank you on their behalf for helping support the French fashion industry.

  22. sundry on May 7th, 2007 3:40 pm

    Josh, you kill me as always, but:

    “Is there some sort of denim fat magic?”

    The answer is YES.

    “How can they make an ass that looks nice in some other pair of pants look fat all of a sudden?”

    Answer that question and you will have solved one of the greatest mysteries in women’s fashion. Why does one bra give great cleavage and another creates uniboob? Why does the cut of a shirt transform your waistline from “17 weeks pregnant” to “Hey, have you been eating tapeworms?”? Why can one pair of jeans flatten and widen your ass while another gently cups each buttock and encases it in a golden halo? NO ONE KNOWS.

  23. Sara on May 7th, 2007 4:28 pm

    Nice jeans! I like the Joe’s. I’ve actually found them quite long and I’m 5’6″, so it must depend on the style. You look great and refreshed from your weekend.

  24. Jennifer on May 7th, 2007 6:24 pm

    Your response to Josh is totally right on.

  25. Lesley on May 7th, 2007 7:03 pm

    Ahem…your photo has inspired me to refrain from popcorn and licorice allsorts this evening.

    Riley looks great in clown shoes.

  26. jenny on May 7th, 2007 7:40 pm

    man, i have GOT to get on the exercise bandwagon. you look so thin!

  27. Katie on May 8th, 2007 7:09 am

    You look GREAT! The jeans are totally awesome. It makes me think I need some premium denim. But, tell me, do they have some kind of super awesome magic chewed-up-toddler-food repellent as well?

  28. Sarah on May 8th, 2007 7:19 am

    Where’d you get the rug? I love it and i need one just like it:P

  29. Lumpyheadsmom on May 8th, 2007 9:04 am

    Great. Now I have to buy that bag.

  30. dev on May 14th, 2007 1:45 pm

    Hi Linda

    You’re a terrific spokesperson for Joe’s Jeans; We’ve been receiving tons of hits on the site from your blog, and I wanted to see what was going on. You are one popular girl.

    Joe’s Jeans come in various inseams, fits, and cuts because, thank god, not all women are cut in the same way.

    Next time JB wants to make you a gift (hint) ask him to email me for a discount code.

    Thanks again


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