May 10, 2007

I don’t think JB quite knows what to do with me when I start doing weird shit like posting pictures of my stomach on the internet. He casually mentioned last night that for what it’s worth he thought my belly looked pretty good, which was sweet, especially the part where he didn’t ask me what in HELL I was thinking, and what was I going to publish next, a picture of my ass?

Which: no. Never fear. Unless I get a tattoo on one butt cheek that reads “SEXYBACK”, which I am totally thinking of doing, now that I’ve taken your advice and downloaded that goddamned song and am completely, embarrassingly addicted to it, to the point of blaring it over and over during my commute and dancing around in my seat like a total idiot (helpful tip: instead of having other drivers observe your lameness while doing the Chicken-Peck Head-Bob Thing in time with your music, choose the Alphabet Butt Maneuver instead, where you jauntily grind your butt around on the seat to spell the alphabet, or in the case of listening to “SexyBack”, T-I-M-B-E-R-L-A-K-E!).

I grabbed a bunch of other songs from your awesome list of suggestions and friends, my Ultimate Playlist for Running is now both generously populated and savagely cool. I will have to try doing the Alphabet Butt Maneuver while jogging. Because how great would that be? Well, sure, not for observers.

In other news, Riley said “shit” yesterday. I have no idea why. Okay, maybe it was because I said “Oh shit” while changing his diaper and discovering mid-removal that his diaper had a Festive Surprise in it (rookie mistake, I know, but he had pooped earlier and I was not expecting a twofer). I’m not saying that’s for sure the reason, there’s still the possibility this can all be blamed on JB somehow, all I know is that Riley immediately answered with his own version (“Ahshit. Shih.”). Then I found myself saying the Ess Word again later in the day when I discovered a bunch of food squirreled away in the bottom of his highchair, and sure enough, Riley chimed right in: “Shit. SHIH!”

Later, I berated myself for the slip-ups: “Jeez, what is my problem. Someone isn’t learning!”.

JB: “Yeah. Well, Riley sure is.”

(I’d like to know how a man who recently used the word ‘fuck’ as a noun, verb, and adjective, all in the same sentence, can get all hoity-toity about MY language, but whatever.)

I mentioned the cussing thing yesterday over at Purple is a Fruit, and I noticed today that Club Mom linked to my blog in their little newsletter thingie. “Do you give your toddler non-watered down juice?”, it reads. “Let him eat macaroni and cheese for days on end? Are baths a weekly, not daily, occurrence? In Purple is a Fruit, MomBlogger Linda confesses that she’s not perfect, especially when she’s mocking her son’s temper tantrums.” I figure between that set-up, the confession that I fed Riley mold, and the fact that my child can now say “shit” along with “baba”, the pitchforks and GRAH CAPS LOCK GRAH should be emerging any minute now. (Update: hey, what do you know.)

Comments

28 Responses to “Alphabutts and questionable parenting skills”

  1. Em on May 10th, 2007 3:21 pm

    “Shit” is rumored to have been one of my very first words. Don’t let it get you down.

  2. Janet Powell on May 10th, 2007 3:22 pm

    I found you on ClubMom. You have some fans there too, if you’re getting that kind of attention. I LOVE to read your blogs…

    After four children, I have officially given up on my stomach. AND – I think you look terrific. Congratulations !!!

    Janet in Miami

  3. Emblita on May 10th, 2007 3:25 pm

    Haha… well I’m probably going to be in the same spot of trouble soon with my son… since we let him watch Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back with us, you know, the one that starts with Jay singing a song mostly consisting of fuck and motherfuck. . . yeah. So we’ll see what effect that will have on his verbal development :p
    As for mold and such… I wouldn’t worry too much. I have seen too many kids stick a shovels into sandboxes (probably used as outdoor sandboxes by all the cats in the area) and then shove them into their mouths with no seeming ill effects. So I figure that its all good for their immune systems!

  4. Mama Ritchie on May 10th, 2007 3:44 pm

    You think Riley is bad, watch this: http://sjl.funnyordie.com/v1/view_video.php?viewkey=3efbc24c7d2583be6925

    Anyway, Riley is advanced. His verbal skills outshine any 20 month old.

  5. Shelly on May 10th, 2007 3:44 pm

    My little sister’s first word was “Fuck”.
    We both had a Catholic Hispanic babysitter too.
    Lord I can’t tell you how funny the expression of her face was!
    She made me read the Bible, in spanish, because I was laughing so hard.
    I doubt it will cause any real problems, me and my sis turned out just fine. :)

  6. Amie on May 10th, 2007 5:33 pm

    Ummmm. I have a potty mouth. And I try, really TRY, to keep it under control. But the other day? I caught Gabe chanting, “Shit! Fuck! Bitch!” while trying to undo his diaper tabs. Me? Utterly mortified.

  7. Laura H on May 10th, 2007 6:14 pm

    Hey! No worries. My son once came home from the DMV with his father (who looked redfaced and sheepish and defiant all at once) saying something quite proudly that sounds like mucking hunt… I=mortified.

  8. Jem on May 10th, 2007 6:32 pm

    Hehehe. Nobody likes a perfect person. Besides, as a kid I HATED to be bathed so I would have LOVED to live in a household where baths didn’t happen every day.

  9. Anonymous on May 11th, 2007 12:03 am

    Ah, the first swear word. I remember them well.

  10. Kaire on May 11th, 2007 5:34 am

    I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t bother, but I did have to respond to the twit on purple … wonder if her kids will be as fond of her as I am of my mother?

  11. Christina on May 11th, 2007 5:46 am

    He he, I always laugh at strange people that make comments like that… why do they read stuff that they do not like? I mean go find another person who does not write things that “depress” you… and while she is at it she can denial that their global warming and that the war in Iraq is a good thing. FREAKS! SO part of the reason I like what you write is that it is real – that almost all parents (moms or dads) can relate to what you are writing and that is a good thing!

    No worries, eh?!

  12. Ang on May 11th, 2007 7:21 am

    My 3-year-old recently tattled on his older brother. He told me that his brother called him “the A word.” I asked him what “the A word” was, and my kids says, “uuummm…. fuck-and-ass.”

    I’m doomed!

  13. wealhtheow on May 11th, 2007 7:27 am

    Maybe I’m naive because I’m not actually a mom yet, but it seems to be there is a world of difference between giving your kid juice and macaroni and cheese and BEATING YOUR CHILD EVERY DAY.

  14. Leigh on May 11th, 2007 7:31 am

    I think my first words were “fucking traffic” (my dad drove me to pre-school every day)

    Anyway, we can’t say they are “bad” words in my house cause we all (especially Grandpa) would be going straight to hell. So, they are college words, words you can use after you graduate from college.

    I’ve been to graduate school so I can say “mptherfucker.”

  15. Erin on May 11th, 2007 8:28 am

    my first curse word was goddammit which I conveniently turned into a little song that I could sing to my parents ANYWHERE…at home, in the car, at the grocery store…in church. My family still laughs about it to this day!

  16. maggi on May 11th, 2007 9:12 am

    I do love that we are allowed to mold the minds of young things… hmmm sometimes the job I do would not be called molding, but tarnishing might fit the bill just right. I do love a kid, and what they can do to your reputation if you dare take them out in public

  17. missbanshee on May 11th, 2007 9:49 am

    My pre-school teacher once had to call my mom and inform her that I was referring to myself as “Missbanshee, DAMMIT.” That’s what I heard at home, and that’s what I thought my full name was. I turned out fine. Pottymouthed to this day, yes, but fine.

  18. Cari on May 11th, 2007 9:53 am

    Do you ever wonder why the ones who post bitchy comments have the worst grammar ever? It just makes them sound even more idiotic than they already are.

    My husband and friends joke that my daughter’s first words will probably be “oh, for fuck’s sake.” I guess those are common utterances at our house; although I really have no idea what they are talking about.

  19. Cavu on May 11th, 2007 10:19 am

    I had the pleasure of working in a pre-literacy class for 15 three-year-olds. A broad vocabulary is sure to make your child an early reader, first of all. Second of all, they ALL swore. One adorable, dainty little girl (3 years old, I tell you)–her favorite phrase was “fucking bunk.” As in “Bobby stole my play-dough. Miss Cavu, that’s FUCKING BUNK.” And these kids: they did come from good families. The just pick that stuff up, especially at Riley’s stage of development. Little sponges, they are.

  20. deanna on May 11th, 2007 10:59 am

    [1] kids are absolutely sponges at this age. it happens. tell him no, its a bad word (or however you handle those kind of things), and watch yourselves closely and hopefully that will nip it in the bud.
    [2] i agree with cari in that the “pitchfok” comment is more hilarious than anything else. i couldnt read it without laughing. how about you learn english before you call me an idiot, thankyouverymuch.
    [3] i havent read your site in a few days, so going back to the running music thing… as an avid runner and spinnng instructor who often gets comments such as “i love you music!” at the end of class, i thought i might add a few to the mix:

    [] NIN–Closer: FABULOUS beat. i couldnt believe no one said this one! maybe i missed it. just dont let riley hear it. heh. [i hafta be careful not to “sing along” with this one when im at the gym!]
    [] Live–Heaven
    [] Jimmy Eat World–Sweetness
    [] Jordan James–Livin on a Prayer [great remix!]
    [] Aerosmith–Dream On [GREAT song for going uphill or when you just need to kick yourself in the arse]
    [] Franz Ferdinand–Take Me Out
    [] New Radicals–Mother We Just Cant Get Enough
    [] Eurhythmics–Sweet Dreams
    [] Boston–More Than A Feeling
    [] Goo Goo Dolls–Stay With You [being born in buffalo, i hafta pay some homage to the hometown boys]
    [] Teddy Geiger–For You I Will
    [] Foo Fighters–Times Like These
    [] Andain–Beautiful Things (Gabriel Dresden & Radio Mix)
    [] Stevie Wonder–Superstitious
    [] The All American Rejects–Move Along
    [] Charlotte Church–Call My Name [yes THAT charlotte church. now shes all grown up and his this ridiculously fabulous pop song!]
    [] N.E.R.D.–Brain [also a GREAT band….all their songs are awesome]

    iunes actually has some decent playlists. check them out for some ideas. keep running sistah ;)

  21. Erin on May 11th, 2007 11:08 am

    This is unrelated to this entry, but I saw this today and remembered that you love your Roomba a lot and maybe you would like the floor washing one a lot too? (It was on a “deal catcher” website, and apparently it’s way cheaper than they normally go for?) I am not affiliated with them in any way, I swear, I just like people to get bargains. :)

    http://www.ecost.com/detail.aspx?edp=36895791&adcampaign=email%2CECOSTCJ&store=ecost&source=ECOSTCJ

  22. Pickles & Dimes on May 11th, 2007 11:31 am

    If you haven’t seen it already, check out the YouTube video featuring “SexyBack” and characters from “The Office.”

    SexyBack

  23. Mel on May 11th, 2007 1:24 pm

    I clicked the link on the Clubmom site when you talked about giving your child mold. Your title, “Bad parenting moment” was among over 296 million weblogs referencing that title. That’ll cheer you up for Mother’s Day. ;-)

    Ian is mimicking me. I discovered I do quite a bit of sighing. :)

  24. Gena on May 12th, 2007 4:10 pm

    Okay, regarding your last post – I didn’t even NOTICE your belly. I was looking at your fabulous thighs. I wish mine were that way when I was 18. I would have probably died of happiness if they looked like that post-baby. (Or ever, for that matter.) But, your belly looks great. Just thought you’d like to know.

    My 1st child’s first bad word was fuck. AND, she corrected me because I had yelled “damn it” when someone pulled in front of me and almost caused a car accident. She looked at me, from the carseat in the back and said “Don’t you mean fupp, mommy?” Needless to say, I tried to clean up my vocabulary with my subsequent children. It didn’t work though. When I had older kids and had my last daughter, they knew she couldn’t say “funk”, so they taught her how to say it anyway and it always, without fail, came out of her mouth as “fuck”. What is a mother to do.

    Happy, happy Mother’s Day to you.

  25. pippa on May 12th, 2007 7:23 pm

    You can always spot the sanctimonious people who worship their only child and genuflect before them. I probably would have been like that if we’d stopped at one. With one I had the time to feed her all-organic and not have the tv on and look down my nose at moms who fed their kids generic mac ‘n cheese with Kool-Aid.

    By child number four? Yeah, her first solid food was a french fry at a burger joint. Courtesy of older brothers (not my mouth, which is distincly trucker-like if a trucker met a sailor and a hooker and all had a child together), most of her vocabulary consists of poopy, stinky, stupid, and “DUH!” and she is quite fond of farting or burping and laughing like a loon then saying “faht.”

    A classy bunch of kids I’m raising, I’m sure, but hey, they are kids. They’ll learn much worse at school.

  26. Marilyn on May 13th, 2007 1:08 am

    Happy Mother’s Day to the most entertaining mother in the blogosphere.

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