May 22, 2007

I hate big boobs and I can not lie.

Not your boobs, of course. Your personal boobs are magnificent! They’re so . . . rotund and regal! In fact, those suckers should be gracing the front of a Viking ship somewhere.

I’m talking about MY boobs, which have not reduced in size the same way some of my other, more cooperative body parts have in the last couple months. I realize that smaller breasts are not normally a desired side effect of dieting, but in my case I had fervently hoped to streamline my cup size, if only a little.

But no. They have perhaps succumbed even more to gravity (soon enough I’ll simply be scooping them off the goddamn floor when I get dressed in the morning), but the volume levels remain the same.

You know what? I’d like to wear a t-shirt without looking like I’m auditioning for a job at Hooters. I’d like to wear a button-down shirt that neither looks like a potato sack nor offers that tantalizing peekaboo gap between the third and fourth button. I want a bra that doesn’t include enough underwire to trigger an airport security alarm, and doesn’t appear to have been designed by a nun moonlighting as a structural engineer.

And . . . and I want to jog without having to hog-tie my chest into submission ahead of time! I’d like to experience the elusive thrill of the spaghetti strap! When I’m cold, I don’t want to have to do that awkward crossed-arms thing, to prevent my nipples from painfully poking out the eyeballs of innocent passersby!

I want small boobs, by god. Like a B cup. Enough to smash into cleavage with the right bra, not too much to get away with those ‘built-in shelf’ tank tops.

Oh, what might it be like, living in a world where your breasts don’t drag through the spaghetti sauce during dinner? Where your bra tag doesn’t read “Hoisted N’ Matronly: the Comfort Fit“? I fantasize about an unfettered, bouncy lifestyle, with elaborate champagne spillings (oops! Tee hee) and sunset horse-gallopings; where I’m free to run along the beach in slow motion, Baywatch-style . . . without a wayward boob flying back and smacking me in the face.


86 Responses to “In praise of the flatlands”

  1. laughing mommy on May 22nd, 2007 10:39 pm

    Oh, me too!

    I dream of a reduction, but I’m too chicken.

  2. Kym on May 22nd, 2007 10:43 pm

    I also paid for mine (went from about a double –A to a small C), and am now 12 weeks pregnant. They grew a little bit scarily in the first 8 weeks, but seemed to have settled down now. I too, am scared of the “Orange in a sock” thing happening after breastfeeding- If they even WORK for that, that is??
    Would never wish for humongous D’s, but hated being flat too. My pre-pregnancy boobs were perfect for me and I hope I get them back (everyone snickers behind their hands at the naivete)

  3. tracey on May 22nd, 2007 10:45 pm

    i couldn’t figure out how pete up there might have expertise in sports bras until i went to his site recommendation. if baywatch was an international hit, this website could just loop for 24 hours on tv and be the best rated program in history!

  4. Crystal on May 22nd, 2007 11:22 pm

    You are the funniest woman alive.

  5. jen on May 23rd, 2007 3:40 am

    your right. big boobs do suck, especially on oneself. i hate, hate, hate sports bras. i can never find one that fits properly without the whole squashed into one place thing. sucks.

  6. Christina on May 23rd, 2007 6:18 am

    Hey there, I am telling you cardio is great to lose the weight but lift some small weights (high reps) both upper and lower body plus do push ups. Anything weight bearing – you will notice the muscles around your chest will start to tighten up and your chest will benefit from this. Of course, genetics play a role in this. Do your mother or grandmother have a large chest? I would try weights as that has always kept my chest “perkier” because as much as breasts are mainly fat there is muscle around and under that which can be toned and make an improvement in your size…

  7. warcrygirl on May 23rd, 2007 6:41 am

    You and me both, girlfriend. You and be both. What I wouldn’t do to get my perky B’s back.

  8. wealhtheow on May 23rd, 2007 7:07 am

    A. Freaking. Men.

  9. Kimberly on May 23rd, 2007 7:10 am

    My new bra that I raved about upthread – I just noticed that in my cream sweater today the underwires in the middle are sticking out like I have a knife stabbed in my chest. I bet that is attractive.

  10. Amie on May 23rd, 2007 7:13 am

    I’m so with you on this one. Back in the day, the pre-kid day, I was a small size B. Now, after two kids, I am a size D. However, gravity has conspired against me and if I don’t wear a bra, they like to graze around my navel.

    Exaggeration? Maybe a little. But not a whole lot. I’d kill for my small, perky boobs back.

  11. Dawn on May 23rd, 2007 7:52 am

    OUCH! That was just chi tea out my nose! You crack me up, especially that last part about the wayward boob in the face.
    I am of the barely there party (small B or large A) but I can sympathize a little. While I was nursing the girl for 15 months I was a good solid D and after spending my whole life wishing I was bigger (hey with these hips I figured a little balance would be nice) I quickly realized maybe bigger wasn’t better. I think a happy medium would be nice, like a good average C, enough to nicely fill out a top but not so big you have to buy the next size top just to accommodate the ladies.
    I think every woman who delivers a child should be entitled to a free breast lift / touch up, it should just be included in the follow up care!

  12. peggy on May 23rd, 2007 8:24 am

    I can totally sympathize. Several people told me they would get smaller after I had a baby, but no luck. After we have another kid, I’m definitely having a reduction- even to a C cup would be a huge improvement. I’ve already warned my husband, so he has plenty of time to mourn the loss.

  13. Jody on May 23rd, 2007 9:38 am

    LOL. No one seems to want what they have. I’m a small B myself and while I don’t mind the size too much I just wish at 33 they still were as firm as they were at 23. Oh, and I’d like to make a string bikini top look good too.

  14. MRW on May 23rd, 2007 9:45 am

    I too suffer from B cup envy, but from the other side – my boobs are probably not even an A – even when I was pregnant they barely grazed a B cup and were totally outweighed by my stomach. I wouldn’t mind the small boobs since they are easier to manage, if that also meant I had a small ass or a small gut – but no. I’ve always had J Lo booty and since having a child if I have a nice steak dinner my stomach pooches out farther than my boobs because they are tiny. I work out like a fiend, but one nice dinner and BAM my tiny boobs are no match for a full stomach. Depressing. I’d have a boob job, but 1. it’s expensive and 2. I’m a chicken.

  15. MRW on May 23rd, 2007 9:47 am

    Just also had to add my frustration at why to they even make bras with underwire in my size? There is not a damned thing to “push up” and yet I cannot find a pretty sexy lacy bra without the damned underwire. All it does is poke the hell out of my ribs while the fabric part bags around without sufficient flesh to fill out the cup. I hate bra manufacturers! That is all (finally).

  16. coffee stained on May 23rd, 2007 10:05 am


  17. missbanshee on May 23rd, 2007 10:56 am

    I always whined and moaned about my teeny little tatas until my mom (!) got me those silicone boobies you slip inside your bra. I hated them! They got in the way! I didn’t know what to do with them! So large tata’ed ladies? I used to scorn you, but now? I am educated. I don’t know how you work around those things, and I am one less flat-chested girl who bitches and moans. I salute you!

  18. Keri on May 23rd, 2007 12:46 pm

    Here’s another comment of envy from someone afflicted with Small-Boobed Syndrome: oh, how I would LOVE to have boobs. Large ones! That fill out dresses and bathing suit tops and require more than the all-cotton “training” bra thingamagigs. Sexy? Not so much. I look like a 12-year-old and I hate it.

    Also? Because my boobs are so small, I feel extra, EXTRA pressure to try to keep my ass in proportion. Larger boobs and generous asses = womanly curves. Tiny boobs and larger hips and ass = freakish pear-like woman. At least if you gain some weight, you will still look proportional and voluptuous. If I go up a size or two, though, I just look dumpy AND flat-chested. Ick.

    So, as others have said, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence!!

  19. LLL on May 23rd, 2007 1:33 pm

    Go to Nordstrom and get fit by a bra fitter – it may be expensive but it will help. People with small boobs (uhm, me) also have to do the crossed arm thing — it universally sucks. And if you want have them reduced after baby #2, I plan on having my entire bottom half liposuctioned after #2. Treat yourself.

  20. Leigh on May 23rd, 2007 2:18 pm

    More proof that god hates me. When I diet, my boobs deflate like last night’s party balloon. To lose everywhere but there? I wish.

  21. victoria on May 23rd, 2007 3:51 pm

    Wrap dresses. Wrap shirts. Wrap sweaters. True wrap. Faux wrap. Wrap, wrap, wrap. They will give a nice shape to your boobs & show off your little waist. You’ll have a fab hourglass figure and will be happier with the boobs because a properly fitting garment won’t create the general sort of “blousy all over” look that large boobs can create underneath a less fitted (& forgiving, stretchy) garment.

    Also, the “What Not To Wear” girls would tell you that the wrap dress/sweater thing is good for you because gals with big boobs need to wear deep V-necks, not high-necked blouses/t-shirts. A deep V-neck helps define and refine your shape.

    Some wrap garmets will not close properly over your cleavage. In this case, you have to (1) use a pin or (2) wear a low-necked camisole.

    But low-neckline part of it is key. T-shirts, button-down blouses, turtlenecks –anything that comes all the way up to your throat — is going to make you look droopy & matronly because of the long distance between the neckline and the swell of your bust. These garments are not your friends.

    Also, the deep-V neck helps lengthen your neck. You have a nice neck, but those of us who do have short necks have to keep this in mind.

    What else do the What Not To Wear girls say? Uh, avoid anything that adds bulk ABOVE the boobs, e.g., avoid chunky necklaces, brooches, big hair, cowl or shawl collars, etc.

    Also avoid anything that obscures your waist. Basically you want to emphasize that although the boobs are big, what is above & below them is not — that you *do* have a defined shape.

    Even if you hate your boobs resist the urge to cover them with loose garments (I don’t think you do this, Linda, but some gals who are not at peace with some part of their body do go for the oversized garmetn “solution” that just makes things worse.)

    Oh dear. With all this advice, I’ve made it sound as though I think you have a figure flaw. I *don’t* think that! You are BEAUTIFUL and so, so shapely!! I just have a bossy, advice-giving nature. Also I am fascinated by the “What Not To Wear” book.

  22. MRW on May 23rd, 2007 4:39 pm

    Victoria there is a What Not To Wear book?! Off to the library website right now – thanks!

  23. Emblita on May 23rd, 2007 5:25 pm

    Before I got pregnant…. I was a 34E now… 9 months post child… 34… waitforit… G yes, G as in GINORMOUS. I really really really hope they will get smaller with the working out and whatnot. Or maybe not.
    In any case the best place for us big boobed women is
    check em out. They rock

  24. TB on May 23rd, 2007 5:33 pm

    Yup. I never knew how good I had it until I went from a very perky large A/small B to what I am now… 36 E. Holy Jesus these are some big tits. They’re very cumbersome and let me tell you, it’s not easy to breastfeed. Also the bras… four hooks down the back? It’s demoralizing.

  25. Cara on May 23rd, 2007 6:51 pm

    Sadly I do not have good news for you. They are not going to go down. I had my first child and they grew like freaking weeds!!! Then 2 years later I had another child and they got BIGGER!!! Over the last 17 years I have gained and lost weight, however they have NOT gone down. Sadly, I look like the hooters girl too, which looks odd on my 5’3″ frame. I don’t like being a D, thank god I’m not an E like some of the poor girls above. I hope to never feel that pain.
    But kudos on the weightloss/streamlining of the bod. You can tell in your pics. Way to go!!!

  26. AndreAnna on May 24th, 2007 3:52 am

    When I get my tummy tuck after our next spawn, I am going to ask them to take the extra skin and flesh and mold it into a boob-like mass and just sew it to my current breasts. After losing 120 lbs, then gaining 70 with a pregnancy, nursing, then losing the weight again, I am one big mess of loose skin and extra fat deposits. My husband is a saint.

    I do feel your pain because growing up as a large woman with small boobs (I had a hormone imbalance during puberty so never really developed past an A-B cup despite growing to 5’8 and being very heavy) was sucky and I imagine being a small woman with large boobs is equally as sucky.

  27. Becky on May 24th, 2007 7:00 am

    AMEN…I swear you have a wiretap in my house!!!!!!

  28. Mandy on May 24th, 2007 7:59 am

    I’m a long time lurker never posted, but i couldn’t resist. I have the SAME freaking problem, and have found a fantastic sports bra that helps while exercising, but particularly while running. check it out. I’ve never felt so fantastic while running, and don’t have back pain afterwards! :)

  29. Telegirl on May 24th, 2007 4:39 pm

    What do you mean they don’t go back down in size?!?! Gawd! :o( I’m so glad I read all these comments, you girls (and boys!) are awesome with your recommendations.

  30. Wren on May 24th, 2007 5:36 pm

    Try Berlei sports bras. They’re an Australian brand, I believe. Whenever the Williams sisters come to the Australian Open they go sports bra shopping because they think Berlei are the best. I swear I don’t work for Berlei, I’m just a fan of wearing them.

  31. Nancy on May 24th, 2007 7:39 pm

    A f*ckg men. As someone who in the far far past was a C and bemoaned it then, the D to DD that has come with age (even as I lost weight) is a pain in the ass. I am tall, I am curvy, I have the hour glass figure, I wear the wrap dress, I do all of that stuff that is supposed to be “the right” thing to do. I haven’t seen my feet since I was 12 unless I look sideways in the mirror; running hurts, even walking fast creates a sway that turns heads. The girls and I have a definite love hate relationship. The men in my life over the years love them; I, living a day to day existence trying to find suits for work and shirts that don’t look like my chest is trying to escape, hate them. Are they proportional to my size? A bit overkill, but probably. Are they a pain in the ass (and other places) to live with? Absolutely!

  32. Hope on May 25th, 2007 9:47 am

    I know this is an old post, but I have to give my 2 cents. I ran track in high school, and come from a long line of large-chested women. My mom made sure I was not flopping around out there with everyone watching in the stands, so we searched for sports bras. In high school I wore Champion’s Full Support Underwire Sports Bra. Yeah, underwire kind of sucks in a sports bra, but those suckers were not going to budge, which was important when you have an audience of pubescent boys, but now I wear the Champion Action Shape Sports Bra which is also quite good, no underwire and I don’t feel like my boobs are mashed to my ribs.

  33. Lede Me On » Blog Archive » In search of rolling hills and deep valleys on May 30th, 2007 11:18 am

    […] All right. I promised a post about boobs and I will deliver. But, with apologies to Christina at Rockin’ the Suburbs, I fear my problem is the exact OPPOSITE of that detailed by Linda at All and Sundry. […]

  34. velocibadgergirl on June 8th, 2007 12:30 pm

    Amen, sister, amen!

    I think I would readily sacrifice a pinky toe if I could have B cups. I have friends who are all, “But small boobs suck, you’re so lucky to have big boobs!” and I want nothing more than to force them to put up with DDs for a month in the summer.

  35. Can You Have More Then One Nursing Home Insurance Carriers on November 26th, 2007 12:28 am

    Hi! Found your blog on yahoo while searching for Can You Have More Then One Nursing Home Insurance Carriers – quite some good info thanks, J.Sanders

  36. Lisa on May 1st, 2010 8:46 pm

    A topic right up my alley. As one who barely fits into a AA, I would like to have at least enough to fill out an A. While nursing I go all the way up to a B and was happy with that but as soon as my weight went below 140 POOF went the boobs! It is nice to not have to wear a bra all of the time, but it would also be nice to find an actual bra that fits me! I know, gripe and complain. :)

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