May 29, 2007

You guys think I’m bad with the zombie nerdery, but you have no idea how deep it can get. Behold my coworker B’s theory, copied and pasted exactly as written, regarding zombie genetics after seeing 28 Weeks Later (which no, I have not seen, because 1) we don’t have a babysitter and 2) if we did get a free night, there’s no way in hell I could convince JB to see a horror movie with me, despite the fact that he totally owes me one after forcing me to suffer through the never-ending slog that was Letters from Iwo Jima):

True, if the immunity to the rage virus was a recessive trait, then you need both parents to be immune to pass it on to the kids. My theory, however, is that the immunity gene is actually dominant, but either occurs extremely rarely in the population or was a mutation unique to the mom.

Note: I’m assuming here that the mom has the dominant immunity gene and one copy of the recessive zombification gene. Dad has two copies of the recessive zombification gene. If the mom had two copies of the immunity gene, it’s a whole different ball game. But if the gene’s dominant, 1/2 of her kids would be protected from the virus and half wouldn’t.

I think there isn’t enough evidence one way or the other to determine a sex-link, but in theory, the gene could be on any of the chromosome pairs. The daughter’s never exposed to the virus that I know of, so we don’t know if she’s immune.  Mom’s on the side and dad’s on top in the cross below. X represents the dominant immunity virus.

People, he then included a little ASCII diagram. SERIOUSLY.

o o
X Xo Xo
o oo oo

HA!

(Okay, technically the rage-virus-ridden aren’t actually zombies because they are living humans, but let’s agree they are some zombie-acting motherfuckers, with the additional Creep Factor of being fast.)

Speaking of flesh-eating ghouls, I am thoroughly sick of retail stores trying to upsell. I can sympathize with the employees, who are only doing what they’re being required to do (I once worked in a movie theater where we were forced to ask each and every concessions customer if they wanted the larger size popcorn/drink for only .25/.50 more; not only that, but we had to call that repulsive oily spew that went on the popcorn “buttery”, as in “Did you want buttery with that?”), but I hate being repeatedly asked if I want to sign up for the store’s card. Actually, it’s not that part that I hate so much, it’s the inevitable follow-up question: “Are you sure, you could save $10 today by . . .”

I always say, “No thanks”, instead of “Yes, I’m sure I don’t want your crappy interest rate, and I’m doubly sure I want to spend cash money on this purchase instead of going into debt over a pair of cheap denim capris, goddammit”, but really, it’s irritating to have to say no twice in a row. NO MEANS NO, OLD NAVY.

It’s bad enough to be harassed about opening a store account, but at certain other stores (The Body Shop, for one) it’s nearly impossible to make a purchase without being frantically dry-humped by a clerk recommending all sorts of ‘complimentary’ products. “Did you notice our new papaya-cinnamon-lemongrass bath salts? Have you tried the conditioner? This week we’re having a sale on home fragrance!”

The drive-through Starbucks in our neighborhood doesn’t even wait to hear your order before asking if you’d like to try their newest Frappucino flavor, which drives me nuts because it throws off the entire cadence of our expected conversation. I have to start out by saying “No” instead of “May I please have a tall iced black tea?”, and that feels RUDE.

I hate being asked for my phone number most of all. Toys R Us does this without explanation, as though it’s just a normal part of the checkout process. “Home phone?” Uh, HELL to the no, but how about you take my money instead?

Why is that so hard? Just take my money! Here, I’m offering money, in return for the goods I have chosen! That is the whole of the transaction I wish to engage in! I do not want your buttery!

Ahem.

Oh, don’t ask me when I got so curmudgeonly, I think it’s just something that happens with age. Like gray hairs and the inexplicable desire to identify wild birds.

Comments

68 Responses to “No buttery, thanks”

  1. Rebecca on May 30th, 2007 8:46 am

    I always say “No” when they say “Phone number?” Which means there are fifteen seconds of awkward silence wherein the axis of the world is tilted way off course and only ten digits can set it straight again. I merely shrug and wait for them to move on to the crux of the exchange – I. Buy. Their. Shit. It’s a nice, simple concept.

  2. birdgal on May 30th, 2007 9:15 am

    uhh, as it is obvious I am a birdwatcher/lover, do you need any help with the bird id? hee, just thought I’d ask!

  3. laughing mommy on May 30th, 2007 10:33 am

    I don’t like the phone number question at Toys R Us either.

    But when a store asks for my zip code I do a happy dance. I figure if enough people from my zip code shop at that particular store it might mean they will open a new one even closer to my house.

    There is now a Target less than 2 miles from my house. (I used to have to drive to the next town about 10 miles away.) This is a very good thing.

  4. Beej on May 30th, 2007 11:04 am

    I was in Babies R US getting a shower gift:

    Cashier: May I have your phone number?
    Beej: Why?
    C: So we can send you coupons?
    B: How are you going to send a coupon to a phone number?
    C: ………

    Oh, and here’s my favorite. Every time I get asked my ZIP code at the check out, I always lie and give my sister’s from when she lived in Tucson just to mess with their marketing data. (I live in Rhode Island, and have for 5 years now.) There is a Walgreens right near my house, and I go in there quite a bit. I recognize everyone who works there, and I am sure they recognize me after 5 years. So, they asked my ZIP code:

    Beej: It’s 85709
    C: WOW, where’s that?
    B: Tucson, Arizona.
    C: Really? So, how do you like Rhode Island? Are you just visiting?
    B: It’s pretty, much cooler than it is in Arizona. I like getting to see the ocean too.

    So I had to go on this whole crappy spiel about how I am visiting from AZ, yet I still go in there a few times per week. LOL. I wonder if they noticed that I gave my sister’s ZIP in California the next time they asked. Tee hee!

  5. kj on May 30th, 2007 11:43 am

    I enjoyed 28 weeks later but not as much as 28 days later.
    Fast zombies = instant death for KJ who doesn’t run unless being chased and then only poorly so. Seriously. I’m USDA-Prime zombie chow. Don’t let my chewed up corpse slow you speedy survivors down. Shoot for the head.

    there are lots of loopholes I’d love to discuss that don’t even come close to the genetics parts. I mean come on! I’ll refrain though – since that just begs for spoilers and I can’t bring myself to do it.

    If I ever do get zombie’d though? I’m so going to eat idiot teenagers and preteens.

  6. Kristin on May 30th, 2007 11:59 am

    I just wanted to say that your awesome use of the words “frantically dry hump” has elevated you from my favourite blogger to my personal hero.

    Also: I saw 28 Weeks Later in the theatre, the first movie I’ve seen in over two years. I am still having nightmares.

  7. Amanda on May 30th, 2007 1:08 pm

    Ugh, I work at Sears and we are expected to force the Sears Card… “Are you collecting Sears Club Points today? Do you have a Sears Card? Would you like to get one and save ten dollars on your purchase?” If there’s something particularly deal-y on I might mention it, or if someone is interested in a payment plan or something, but god I hate just randomly asking people if they want one. 28% interest, boo! However, I sell hardware and people can’t seem to comprehend that I need their phone number to register their warranty in our computer system… or to call them when their order arrives.

    I do hate having to give out my number for something stupid like toys though. It would be interesting for them to call me and try to sell me an extended warranty on a barbie.

  8. Melanie on May 30th, 2007 3:52 pm

    You hit 70 over the weekend, huh, Grandma?

    No, I agree, I hate upselling. It sucks. If I wanted your damn card, I’d get it. If I want a Frappucino or a large popcorn, I’ll order it my damn self without you telling me about it. If I wanted you to call me tonight for a good time, I’d write my phone number on your bathroom wall.

    This is why I heart internet shopping – nobody talks to you.

  9. AndreAnna on May 30th, 2007 5:13 pm

    You might want to get this book – The Zombie Survival Guide
    http://www.amazon.com/Zombie-Survival-Guide-Complete-Protection/dp/1400049628/ref=pd_bbs_2/104-6048044-3523110?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1180570134&sr=8-2

    My husband read it on our honeymoon, and I had to spend days in Hawaii listening to how we need to purchase nunchucks and how he was joining a gym when he got home to beef up in the event of an attack. ;)

  10. Heather on May 30th, 2007 5:33 pm

    Heh. I hate being targetted by people wanting to sell stuff in shopping centre walkways … the ones that call out to you, “Do you have any children aged between 3 and 5?” and the like.

    I’ve started responding to this by crying out, traumatically: “There were gored by wild boar, how dare you bring back the pain?” Works for me.

  11. Heather on May 30th, 2007 5:43 pm

    PS: Have you seen “Shaun of the Dead”?

  12. Brenda on May 30th, 2007 6:08 pm

    So I’m washing dishes while my daughter is watching Scooby Doo and Scooby and the ganr are running from Zombies…who do I think of? YOU! You better watch out when Riley gets older and wants to watch cartoons because they are chased by random Zombies….LOL!

  13. TB on May 31st, 2007 7:07 am

    Yeah, I’m a total zombie dork too. Jeff and I actually have a plan for what we’ll do when the zombie apocalypse happens… it involves loading up the boat and waiting it out in the middle of the Gulf because zombies can’t swim.

  14. Laurie on May 31st, 2007 8:38 am

    I just stumbled across this link and it made me automatically think of you. Have you seen this trailer yet?

    http://www.apple.com/trailers/lions_gate/fido/trailer1a/

  15. Anonymous on May 31st, 2007 10:09 am

    Phew. I’m not the only curmudgeon.

    I just say, “No, thank you,” as soon as they ask me whether I have a store card. I still get the pitch … and say, “No, thank you,” again. But I am doing my part to stop the upsell trend, right? Heh.

  16. sooboo on May 31st, 2007 10:48 am

    Gah! I hated working retail so much that I cringe whenever I am confronted with the upsell.

  17. pippa on May 31st, 2007 9:18 pm

    GAK! GIVE TRU YOUR PHONE NUMBER! I agree on everything else, but TRU, for whatever STUPDENDOUSLY stupid reason, links their “customer” (i.e. those we shall deign to rain lucious coupons upon) database to a reverse directory search. This means, if you have a listed phone number, and you give it to them, you receive the bounty of TRU coupons. If, like me, you have either an unlisted number or no landline, you are royally fucked in the obtaining of said coupons and must therefore, pay full retail even when a BANGIN’ coupon exists.

    Is my bitternesss raging?

  18. ReviewStew on June 1st, 2007 11:37 am

    My typical response is to make up a fictitious phone number, zip code, anything else they ask. Every once in a while I stumble onto a zip code that doesn’t exist, and their computer knows it somehow, and it causes a ruckus.

    When I had a crappy retail job one year, the store required customers to give us all their contact information if they wanted to return something. Why, I never understood. But I just went ahead and encouraged them to make up phony addresses and phone numbers like I would do. Yep, that’s me, totally sticking it to the man! what a corporate rebel!

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