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June 12, 2007
I hardly know what to say in the face of all your amazing, supportive comments, except thank you. I feel better for having told the tale.
Before I turn this blog back to lighter topics, there is something else I wanted to talk about. Some of you mentioned how amazing JB has been to stay by my side during that whole mess, and you are right. You don’t know the half of it, what he’s gone through with me.
JB and I used to drink together all the time. For the first few years that we lived together, alcohol was a huge part of our lives. We had our favorite beers, our favorite mixed drinks, our favorite places to go out and get drunk.
Somewhere along the line our individual relationships with alcohol changed, and JB’s fundamentally healthy take-it-or-leave-it approach began to seem very different from my daily drown. Over time I infected my marriage more and more with everything that comes with a major drinking problem: lies, booze-fueled fights, emotional trespasses.
JB tried to help me, but I didn’t want to be helped. When I look back on it, I realize I was sabotaging everything so I would be free to pursue my path of ruin, with no one around to make me feel guilty.
We came very close to divorce. JB had every reason in the world to walk away, and he almost did.
But he didn’t. He stood by me after I had taken a sledgehammer to our marriage, and he stood by me after I promised to quit drinking then got a fucking DUI.
He quit drinking altogether, so I wouldn’t have any temptations. He gave up what was for him a harmless but very pleasurable activity, for my sake. That was years ago. He’s never had so much as a beer since.
Every single thing in our lives has changed since we first started dating. We once had a completely carefree, booze-fueled lifestyle devoid of responsibilities, and it is like we have traveled some unimaginable distance to where we are now. And we are still together, still finding new things to love about each other, still making each other laugh.
I think of the vows we took, how for richer, for poorer can mean something entirely different than money. JB has been with me through both, and I will never, ever know how I got so lucky.
Our lives are nearly bursting with richness these days. (It’s exactly what he deserves.)
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95 Responses to “Part 2: a love story”
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I love you and your family.
Amen!
And exactly what YOU deserve, m’dear! The fact that the richness of your lives is the result of much hard work makes it all the sweeter, doesn’t it?
Wow you guys have been through a lot.
Stuff like that only makes you stronger, and now look, you have a wonderful little boy that makes the cutest howler monkey face!
I’ve tried to write you 20 emails since yesterday’s entry and leave 20 comments but my words never seem to say what I’m trying to convey. I tried again with this entry and have failed miserably again.
So – I’ll just say that you are both amazing and Riley is a lucky little guy.
Yet another good post.
That’s so amazing.
Yea to JB and yea to you both for making it work and not giving up!
All things happen for a reason. No DUI, continued drinking, no family as it is now. As you said, you were heading to self ruin and I’m sure you were doing a great job of it.
It is truly amazing what can happen down the road when you would swear at the time your life is permently fucked up ;)
Your post gave me a wakeup call–in describing your and JB’s relationship with alcohol and how they started to differ, I realized you just described my fiance’s and my relationship with it as well. I know I need to cut back, because the same fights and emotional trespasses you described? I’m always the instigator, and my patient man just takes it.
Thank you for writing about this.
-A longtime reader
Again, cannot tell you how timely this is to me personally. Someday I hope to have the courage to be as forthright about it as you have been. Thanks, L. Remember that JB and Riley are luck, too — you enrich their lives, as you have enriched ours (not meaning to minimize JB’s sticktoitavenss (oh dear), but to remind you that you are worth fighting for. I still heart you.
Damn, girl…..you are an amazing writer….an amazing person. You touch me.
sniff.
I’m so glad that your journey has brought you to this wonderfully rich place in life…in your family…in yourself.
You should be proud.
Hey! Is that Kelsey Creek Farm? I love Riley’s hair.
JB amazes me, and it kind of makes me feel bad about myself. When I was in his situation I could not do what he did. I wonder what was different? I mean, obviously JB and I are different people, and you and my ex are DEFINITELY different people. I dunno. This has been bothering me for years even though I would not give up what I have now for a billion dollars. Maybe I need therapy.
It’s what you both deserve. I’m so glad you have each other and lots of love to share with Riley.
I’m getting all veklempt! And Riley doesn’t look the least suspicious!
No really, congrats to both of you for making it through that difficult time & for your wonderful little boy.
Oh I just love you guys.
*Smooch*
This is awesome. What you posted yesterday was stunning and brave and probably helped more people than you’ll ever know, and now this is a beautiful tribute to your husband and son. It’s wonderful to see such a great example of how, by living by the vows we take on our wedding day, we become stronger, better people and eventually are rewarded with life’s greatest riches.
JB and Riley are blessed to have you, as are we, your lucky readers.
i’m glad you guys made it. it’s nice to know it’s possible to go through something like that and make it out the other side.
I am just bawling like a crazy woman. I have many pet peeves, but the biggest is how much grief husbands (in general) get in this world. That they are dumb and lazy and thoughtless and and cruel and unkind. I hate that so much because I know it isn’t true (for the most part) and I wish people could see my husband and how great he is and how I wish everyone had a husband so great.
What I love and what makes me realize that not everyone feels that way is when I read things like this. It restores a little bit of faith in humanity. In marriage. In life. I’m happy others know what I know. That there IS still love worth fighting for and holding on to. That there are men in this world who are great and noble and love their families mightily. That marriage is hard work and sometimes it sucks, but the rewards are endless. Thanks.
A life bursting with richness is what you deserve, too. It’s what most people deserve, even if they HAVE fucked up, made mistakes, hurt others…because who among us can say we haven’t? The point is, you’ve learned, and changed, and done what you had to do to make amends and be the partner and mother your husband and son deserve.
Your post yesterday was touching to me but I couldn’t imagine you’d scroll through nearly 200 comments to read mine, so I didn’t write. What I wanted to share with you was this: my father is a recovering alcoholic. He has been sober for seventeen years, more than half my life. And both as a child and now as an adult, I have never thought he was a horrible person, even though he did some straight fucked up things to me and my family while he was drinking. I always knew it was because he was sick; sick with a real addiction. And the hardships we suffered as a result, and the road he traveled to get clean – those things made my father real & human to me. And there is no one on this earth I will ever respect more than my father. Because he has been two kinds of fathers to me in this life, and I have loved them both.
What I am trying to tell you is, you are not a lesser person for your trials – you are a better one. And everyone who loves you will know that, now or later.
That sounds nice. Maybe one day I’ll get to taste a happy stable existence. For now I’m too busy trying to hold together all the things that keep sabotaging themselves to try and push anyone away. But I do like to imagine that one day I will find somebody to love and make babies with. And I can buy myself a LaZBoy and sit at home and stew in my own contentment until I kick the bucket. Maybe I’ll even buy two and rip them down to make one big ass one with a giant recliner arm. Then I can snuggle up with my woman and watch 24 on TV Land while I yell at the kids to go cut the damn grass.
This one made me cry. Thanks for sharing, again.
For all of their annoyances, husbands do kind of rock, don’t they?
I heart you and your family; thanks for letting us in time and time again.
Damn you!!!!!!!!
I’m at work and you made me cry–even worse, I have no eyeliner in my purse to repair the damages you have wrought!!!!!
:) I second Michelle’s comment…I’m crying at work! Such a wonderful follow up to yesterday’s post. You are proof positive that while life can heap a huge helping of crap on you…it can also turn around and heap an even bigger helping of something totally wonderful on you. Riley is a lucky boy to have you and JB as parents.
Please, never stop writing here. Even when you are a rich and famous author, keep a blog just for us. :)
How dare you make me cry at work. Serves me right for reading blogs on the clock though, huh?
Oh man. It goes without saying that I have had a sort of affinity for JB ever since – you guessed it – the Sausage Incident.
I kid. Sort of.
I am so pleased and happy and oddly proud of you for reaching this happy ending/beginning. It does indeed restore my faith in humanity, and it’s a beautiful reminder that life can be very, very good.
Usually I don’t comment once people have twenty or thirty comments, since I tend to feel like “they’ll never get around to it anyway” but I just can’t not say how much this touched me. In a world where divorce is the answer to the smallest issues, it’s beautiful to see you hold on to your marriage despite the biggest problems. Good for both you and JB.
OK, I already posted my representative Deep Meaningful Comment, such as it was, but I am back because someone at TUS posted this and I immediately thought of you: tomorrow is Blog-Like-It’s-the-End-of-the-World Day, as in blog as though the zombies are coming. I know you would not want to miss out on terrifying yourself, at the very least, by reading the participant blogs:
http://tinyurl.com/28ka37
At least one of the blogs has already started to lay groundwork. Or maybe it’s just a dreadful coincidence…
I was hoping you’d have a new entry today. Yesterday’s has been ringing in my ears all day long. Thank you for sharing your story.
Alcoholism is a serious disease and it reaches deep and far. Just look at all the of the responses you’ve gotten-so many lives are touched by it one way or another. It’s not something people normally speak about but it desperately needs more discussion.
And I can only imagine that you’ve probably saved a few lives with your entry.
This is why YOU rock…
You ALL are amazing!
Yay for sticking by each other in hard times!
Yay for marriage!
Yay for happiness!
That is just love. Pure and simple. And it’s so awesome that you shared that with us. Thank you.
What a beautiful tribute to your family, love, marriage and perseverance. When we recite those vows on our wedding day, I’m not always sure how much we realize the impact they may have on our life. Your marriage is a testimony of love and strength and overcoming adversity.
Now stop making me cry at work!
Once again you’ve reminded me that life is good and you really can get past the bad stuff. Thank you!!
Rules for reading All and Sundry
1. Not at work
2. Prepare to be touched
3. Prepare to learn something
4. Put makeup in desk for repairs
5. For when you break rule number 1.
We all love you guys.
Well, dammit, now I’m crying at my desk, you bee-yotch. :)
It’s a beautiful thing, when life gives us second chances. When the people around us allow us the grace to grow and change. When the people we love have faith in the good in us, when they can see that good even when we ourselves cannot. It’s these down times, these low times that make the up times so much sweeter, isn’t it? Because when we walk through the fire, and someone is there with salve and honey, and love and understanding, waiting for us on the other side… that’s when we Become.
What’s sad is many people never get to experience this, because they bail when the waters get rough. Your writing about it is beautiful. And proof of the benefits of sticking it out.
Thank you!
Yeah, now I’m crying too. But I really don’t mind because it’s a happy, I’ve been touched in a great way kind of crying.
I hope JB reads this post.
Add me to the ‘crying at work’ list ;)
Amazing post, as was yesterdays. You guys rock :)
I love your pictures + commend you + your husband for your strength. Long live upholding marriage vows + not escaping when the going gets tough!
i’m engaged, and while we haven’t yet faced a trying situation between the two of us (outside forces, yes) i have to say that this entry meant a lot to me as i ponder the promises soon-to-be-married people make on that big day.you are a fantastic writer… i write for a living and i’m constantly cowed by your skills. and inspired. many times i leave your blog to write something afterward, not even on the same topic.
Yes, JB is an amazing man it seems, but look, he stayed alongside you because he sees you as amazing also…..and you say you don’t know how you got so blessed now -it’s obviously because you worked at things and came out the other side.
Amzing little family, and yes, JB does deserve it for what he has been through with you, but hey, just remember that it is you and Riley that makes his life so wonderful now.
ROCK ON!
tears to my eyes.
So good to see how everything worked out so well for you both :)
I’ve never met you – but I found you via a list I’m a part of. I used your blog as an example to my former students of a “good blog” (when they were creating blogs). And I look for updates every day.
Thank you, SO MUCH, for enriching my life, and making me think about things and places and people.
You are very loved…eileen
I didn’t comment yesterday, although I meant to. So here’s enough for both:
Thank you for telling your story. You’ve always been so inspiring… I know I’ve told you before about my dad and how alcoholism seems to be the same nasty ruin wrapped in entirely different people again and again and again. Thank you for getting caught; my dad never did. Sometimes I wonder if rehab or an arrest would have been enough to pull him out of his spiral of self hatred. I am so incredibly grateful that no one ever has to worry that same thought about you. A hearty congratulations on your hard work and sobriety.
When Jon and I started dating neither of us drank; me as a response to my dad, him because he doesn’t like the taste (and also, imo, doesn’t like to lose control). Slowly that changed and I started to once again drink to excess. Parties were never “fun” for me unless I got rip-roaring drunk. I would black out and still be functional; still talking and making a general ass of myself. Several times I drank to such excess that Jon told me later he had stayed up most of the night listening to me breathe to make sure I was okay. When he told me that, it broke my heart.
I stopped drinking when my dad was found in a hotel room in an alcoholic rage and had tried to kill himself about a week after leaving my mom. My mom had called me and told me that they found him and after hanging up with her I went to my well-stocked liquor cabinet and poured about $500 worth of alcohol directly down my kitchen sink. I felt so free, to know I had chosen never to follow in his path. He died about a month later. Through all his pain, he accomplished what every parent dearly wishes for their child: that they learn from their parents’ mistakes and lead better lives.
Another touching post. Wish you and your family the utmost happiness.
And incredibly beautiful post. I’m always touched by what I read here.
And yet, the reason I popped by today was that THIS is the Yahoo question of the day and I couldn’t help but think of you:
http://ask.yahoo.com/20070606.html
Now… I can’t decide if that is moving on to lighter topics or not…
Thanks as always for writing.
It’s what you deserve, too. Remember that while all JB’s done says so much about who he is, it says a lot about you, too – because of who you are, he loved you enough to stick by you.
For me, this entry was even more powerful than yesterday’s.
yet another one crying at work…
I totally cried too. I’ve been meaning to tell you and just never did so I guess I will now. The love that I can see on your husbands face in pictures with your or Riley is a truly beautiful!
I can’t tell you how many times I attempted to comment yesterday with some kind of words to describe how incredibly touched I was that you decided to tell this story. I was mostly shocked at how you never let on that this turmoil was going on in your life and you never, ever mentioned it. Not that I blame you, I just envy that. I’m not sure I could have done the same.
Today though, you made me cry. The line “I realize I was sabotaging everything so I would be free to pursue my path of ruin, with no one around to make me feel guilty” struck such a nerve and put what I’d done myself in such simple words……
I’ve wanted to profess my admiration for you and your little family but always felt a little odd actually punching it out on the keyboard and could never push that SAY IT button, but it’s true and since everyone else is chiming in I won’t look like such a stalker. I think you are one incredible lady.
Ya know, when you’re younger (read that without kids), the drinking thing is no big deal – although in your case it seemed headed that way. But we ALL grow up, one way or another. You and JB seemed to have done it pretty well……..Congrats. Some folks, who I know personally, and will remain nameless, but they are my brother-in-law, go through two marriages, fatherhood, breaking up someone else’s marriage….and…..and…..and NEVER seem to grow up.
Just think, when Riley is a big guy, you can honestly say, I have made a bunch of mistakes, I’m not perfect, but I LEARNED and became a better person. Not everyone can say that! You can honestly say….”I tried it, it wasn’t for me, and I have a fine life without it!”
Now that my DH and I are securely in our fourties, we occasionally have a beer – once or twice a month – one beer each – and we get crap from our oldest, for drinking so much more than we did when he was little. OK, so we have gone from none at all to a little bit……….WHY doesn’t he gripe at me for eating so much! THAT would be helpful!
I raise a sparkling fizzy glass and a toast to JB – and I mean mineral water of course!
Again another reason why I keep coming back…
YOU inspire me to be a better person in so many ways and I thank you for that. You and your family are beautiful people. I am honored to know you – even if it is just via the blogworld.
I’m a firm believer that the real hardships in marriage make the good times a million times sweeter, and the bad times pale in comparison. We all have our demons, and thankfully some of us have that person that helps us outrun them.
Thank you for sharing it was raw and so you…weather it is your life or the travels of the road less taken you always seems to bring home the point….which i love and which i live my own life…i am an open book love me bumps and all….i am who i am….thank you you always make me think why do i lurk and not write when you can touch so many lives….thank you Dina in michigan
You are part of such a strong an amazing family! I wish you continued happiness.
Ah girl. You totally made me cry. That was WAY beautiful. You and JB and Riley ALL deserve your beautiful life. (…and now I’m singing Talking Heads…)
Thank you so much for sharing — you are amazing, and you do deserve the best.
Sob.
Sundry,
My husband and I have been married for 3 years…he’s 32, I’m 26. We too, started our relationship both drinkers….both enjoying the carefree cocktial drink days..AND nights. We both really enjoyed drinking, especially together. However, things with my husband started going downhill…his health..his behavior…the way we interacted when he was drinking. All of a sudden, I realized that THIS ISN’T FUN ANYMORE. I began to HATE drinking and wouldn’t partake in it with hime anymore. And then I realized, SHIT, I married an alchoholic. It took some really hard times, a few moments that brought us close to divorce, and 4 hospital stays until he quit drinking. He’s 1 year sober. Holy crap it feels good….our relationship is different….better by 1 million %. I guess I’m just trying to say, I know what you’ve been through, and from the other side…and I appreciate that you’re writting about this because it makes me feel normal, that I’m not the only person in the world who is young, and who had a rough go of it during the first few years of marriage.
Thanks for your honesty…thanks for your amazing blog….it’s quickly become my favorite.
Now I want to hug Kristin, too, in addition to kissing Sundry repeatedly.
Oh Kristin. Marriage is *hard*, dude, and you’re never alone in something like that. For some it’s drinking, for others, depression or disease. You’re never, ever alone, even when it feels like you are.
Does this post ever hit home. My Dh- we’ve been married for 4 years. My 10 month old son and I at the time were in Colorado visiting family last October, he went out to play pool and have a guys night. The night ended up with him gettin a DUI. He has the enterlocken thing in his car. For two years. He’s lost his license for two years. He is going to alcohol classes. It’s rough. And I can honestly say, I do not know if he’s learned his lesson. I have no idea where I am going with this comment other than to say your post hit something inside of me. I think I am going to have him read this.
I enjoy your blog- thank for your honesty. Your family is beautiful. :)
I just read the last post and I have to applaud you for your bravery. And this one? Applause for its beauty. You’re hitting them out of the park lately, BAY-bee.
I really wanted to comment after reading yesterday’s post. Understanding what that experience cost you (not in dollars) just left me sitting motionless for a time in front of my computer. I couldn’t think of anything witty to say, and I needed the time to digest your words. This whole internet universe is a strange thing; it brings people together… sort of. I read your site daily with the same interest as if you were a dear friend. But you’re not. And sometimes I feel like I’m an oogy peeping tom for relishing the glimpse into your life. But, I wouldn’t change a thing.
I am so grateful to you for baring your life for me to read. I enjoy learning from you, I feel warm and fuzzy inside when I read the sweet stories of your family, and every day I anxiously await your next post. Thank you.
Wow. I’m teary-eyed.
Thank you so much for sharing. My brother just went through something similar and it has hurt the whole family in ways we never could have anticipated. Unfortunately he hasn’t reached the amazing place you’re at, but it gives me hope that he will find his way.
I was going to comment on your earlier post, but it was already in the hundreds. I can’t hold back on this one, though, although I admit I have nothing new to add…
Obviously you are a lucky woman. What I hope you realize is that your man is a lucky man! He took the 1 in 10,000 chance and you both won. I salute you for reaching down and finding whatever it took to stop, and I salute him for having the guts to take a chance on you. What a success story!
I don’t have the alcohol demon myself, but I watched it kill (literally) my wife’s ex. The demon is real and you don’t know who is susceptible until it happens. Thanks for sharing your story.
Oh yeah, this isn’t for you Linda, this comment is for MEN. the Men that takes their sons to the Brazilian all-you-can-eat steak place for boys night out…..when their boys are only 2 years old. For MEN who teach their sons that our role is to support our women even when they’re unreasonable, because eventually we get it all back karmically….for MEN who, after years of marriage, find their wives incredibly attractive despite the onslaught of media images of women who look like they’ve never eaten a slice of toast… We’ve got this figured out.
Yes, this is for MEN.
(So, this works better if you read it with that voice of the guy that does the “BEEF, IT WHAT’S FOR DINNER” narration….)
Your husband is an amazing man.
Another beautiful, touching post – thank you.
I always knew JB was a winner. :) Any man who writes his name in snow & emails a picture to his wife gets my vote.
*snugs*
so my best friend…the one who sent me to your blog to begin with. she’s amazing. when i was young and embarassed by my…well, let’s be honest and say emotional baggage (there’s a lot of it, but it’s a matching set so it’s okay)…she used to say that we are all of us broken on the inside, and that we are the more beautiful for having been broken. I love that. I believe that. but i also think that we’re the more beautiful for being broken because of who puts us back together again. i am one of those women blessed with a most extraordinary husband…who, inspite of my flaws, my weakness, my broken-ness…continues to put me back together again. thank you for reminding me of what a beautiful thing it is to wake up next to someone who has known me at my most broken, my most hopeless, and continues to love me.
and riley is so working his cute voodoo magic, he’s making me want a wee version of him in my life. thanks!
Glad you were able to overcome; that’s a pretty momentous accomplishment!
This is really sweet. And I want to say something else, but it keeps sounding cheesy/weird/inappropriate no matter how I phrase it. The gist of it is supposed to be that you seem to me like someone worth sticking around for, but see how that sounds creepy when I say it?
You are two wonderful people and belong together. JB is a keeper.
My husband and I have been together for 30 years… The “bad” times and how you weather them together are the glue that holds you together for the long run. Remember your vows – even with the down times, it only gets better!
Just look at how hard that little kiddo is smiling! He’s got two loving, healthy, strong parents. Lucky boy.
Thank you for sharing. You’re an inspiration in many ways.
I echo the comments others have made about wanting to comment after the previous blog, but feeling that my words would end up inadequate, hollow, and redundant. After this one, I still feel this way, but with these two powerful and haunting posts, how could I fail to acknowledge their beauty and bravery?
Thank you for sharing with us, and thank you for this amazing blog. I wish you and your family all the happiness you so richly deserve.
Dude. I’m right there with you. On our first date, my husband and I got wasted and made out behind a pizza place. We used to have a lot of fun.
Now, neither of us drinks, me because I’m an alkie, him because he can take it or leave it and he wants to support me. And weirdly, we have even MORE fun these days.
Wow second post by you that has made me all teary. You Rock!
I am very thankful that you have the opportunity to share your stories with us. The past few days many things have happened in my life that make me realize that no matter the path we take, we make those decisions simply to end up where we are supposed to be. Sometimes the path is arduous and riddled with thorns and stinging nettles, and other times it is adorned with lilac and lavender. Either way, we tighten our “ba pa” straps and slather on the sunscreen and power towards our destination. Amen for someone willing to accept responsibility and learn from it. You rock.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world.
When did Riley’s hair get so blond? Too cute!
Damn you woman! I should know better than to read these post’s at work because now i have tears and I have to be in a meeting in 5 minutes and that is hardly enough time to fix my makeup =o\
This post was beautiful. You and JB are awesome people and both of you very strong, you are both lucky to have each other. Riley is by far the luckiest to have been blessed with two such strong motivated parents. You guys know what marrige is all about, it’s about the hard times and getting through them because that is what makes the good times so good.
Beautiful story–not only for how it shows what love can do, but for how it shows what being open to love can do. I am glad you grabbed the life preserver JB was holding out to you. I am glad that, at some level, you were willing to believe you were worth it and would be able to make a wonderful life for yourself and your family.
Maybe this should be your book? You are so funny, but this is such a powerful story. Go team dork!
I know a lot of other people have already said this, but darlin’, YOU deserve this too. I hope all of us reminding you of that brings it home.
JB knew what he was doing hanging in there, and yes, you are lucky.. but so is JB.
I’ll admit it…I teared up a little bit.
Our stories are so similar – it is weird. My husband has stuck with me, too – and I did some truly heinous things – I was unfaithful in my drunken times, said horrible things about him to his face – just awful. I once peed on the living room carpet – he cleaned that up, too. Isn’t it amazing what the people who love us will do in the face of such depravity? I am astounded still by my husband’s willingness to continue loving me when I could not love myself. We, too, have a wonderful son now and a much fuller and richer life. We have our struggles but I know now, for certain, that I will never leave him and he will never leave me. The commitment we made was til death do us part and we are sticking to that. Thanks for sharing – JB and Justin rock, as do all other supportive and loving spouses.
I lurk a lot more than I comment but I just had to say thank you for sharing. It’s funny but I was thinking of you this morning after I’d read your post about your DUI yesterday. And I was thinking of JB and your marriage and how even though I don’t know either of you it was nice to hear about truly a “for better or for worse” marriage – that you two stuck it out and came through on the other side together.
I love your blog and your posts.
All three of you are lucky. And I do believe you all know it and deserve it.
Congratulations.
As my sponsor says, “Aren’tcha grateful?” As long as I stay grateful, I can stay sober.
Beautiful
He is an incredible man and husband to go with you through all of this. And you are right, the vows mean so much more than we think about when we make them.
[...] on billboards and magazines; these days, they’re the ones who craft the funniest/most poignant blog posts, crochet the twee-est baby quilts, take endless photos of men with impossibly ornate [...]