Jun

14

This week brought to you by the letter I for Introspection

June 14, 2007

There are some very nice things about my office job. There are the benefits, which range from a full time onsite chef to full body massages. There are the ridiculously chillaxed hours, and the universal acceptance of an excuse such as, “I stayed up too late playing WoW, I’ll be in around noon”.

My workplace is also, for its all foibles and bumblings, totally sincere. They are an honest lot, and while everyone wants to make a buck no one wants to do it by oil-of-snake methods. We are an engineering-driven company, not a marketing-driven one. No one sits around in meetings assessing the market and brainstorming product specs based on the highest return on the investment; instead, engineers tend to individually decide something is worth building and bang out a vat of code before any requirements are decided upon.

We used to have an employee who called this organic product development. It’s taken some getting used to, but despite the lack of planning and ever-elusive ship dates, it seems to work out very well.

My job is not to work marketing from the front end of the process—I have almost nothing to do with development or product management—but to put a shiny package on the completed piece of software. I write the words that are supposed to make the software sound enticing (someone else writes the words that describe how it actually works), for the most part. I work with a talented designer to create ads, retail boxes, and other collateral stuffs. I have a PR function too, which includes updating our blog with product development news, or sending out press releases.

While I might dip into the Well O’ Hyperbole on occasion (I can’t help it! I love the word powerful), the vast majority of my job is bullshit-free. From a marketing perspective, anyway. I mean I don’t have to LIE, unlike pretty much every other job I’ve ever had.

So: I don’t have to lie, my company is legitimately concerned first and foremost with making a good product, and I don’t work with anyone whose job involves thinking of ways to slowly butt-fuck our customers without the common courtesy of a reacharound. Compared to the place where I had to write about apps that didn’t exist and was micromanaged by a psychotic, pot-smoking husband and wife team who made their money from camgirl porn and infomercials, Workplace both kicks ass and takes names.

However, I keep experiencing what I can only describe as bourgeois career angst, a feeling that I should be doing something more meaningful. As problems go, I realize this one hardly registers past the “Privileged Whining” sector—when you have a good job that pays the bills, your focus should be on thanking the gods (SO SAY WE ALL) for your luck, rather than idly wondering why you aren’t more spiritually fulfilled by your work. I’ve been unemployed, and to say it sucks would be doing a great disservice to the sheer amount of suckage that comes from months of fruitless job searching, the inevitable lowering of standards (”Port-a-Potty sanitation engineer? Maybe they offer training?”), and the resounding echo coming from an empty bank account.

Still. I feel like I should have a Plan, an answer to the question of what I want to be when I grow up. What do I want to be doing in five years, ten years? I don’t know. I have some general ideas: I want to make connections, I want to help people in some way, I want to learn new skills. I do hope to write a book someday but I don’t have dreams of being a full time author in that sense (too isolating, for one).

Then there’s the enormous issue of family life and how to balance that with whatever I’m doing, and how that could change if I were to be doing anything different from what I’m doing now, and boy, I just don’t know.

What about you? Are you where you thought—or hoped—you’d be right now, with regards to your job (”job” = whatever you’re doing for work, which definitely includes staying home with children because if that isn’t work, then brother, I don’t know what the hell is)? Do you have long term plans for what you want to do with your career? Or are you like me, playing things by ear and hoping for the best?

Comments

124 Responses to “This week brought to you by the letter I for Introspection”

  1. dorrie on June 14th, 2007 11:35 am

    GAH! Get out of my head. I have been struggling with this all week, not very gracefully, either. My kids are older (14 and 12) and I work part time right now. I can’t help but wonder what my next step is going to be, because I am bored bored bored right now with everything–the job, the kids, the house, the husband….love them to death but I need to make myself happy and fulfilled and that is hard right now. I will be breathlessly reading your comments for ideas….

    btw. Great writing this week. Thank you.

  2. Joanne on June 14th, 2007 11:40 am

    Before I stayed at home with my kid, I was an IT Director, I had Masters degree from a good engineering school, etc., etc. But I found that my career was kind of leaving me behind with our crappy economy. When I moved back to IN from NYC I had a very hard time finding a job and when I did, it was a LOT less money and a LOT less benefits. When I was in NYC, I felt like I was right where I should be, I had worked in progressively harder jobs with more responsibility and more money, and I was really living large.

    I used to think that I would go back to work when my boy went to school, but lately I am thinking more and more that I will just get a ‘job’ once he and any siblings he has goes to school. I don’t want to have stayed home all this time just to put him in before care and after care. Selfishly, I feel like if I’ve stayed home through all the long, boring, non-talking days, I’d like to enjoy some of the good times! Anyway, this is all to say that in many ways I feel like my ‘career’ is over – LONG before I have gotten my Masters paid off, which sucks. Now I think that when my kid(s) go to school, I’ll get a job of some kind and make enough money to make a difference in tuition or something, and contribute to my family in that way. I don’t feel as bad about it as I thought I would, since I think corporate America is a tough place to be. At least here in my own house, I know I’m not going to get fired.

    It sounds like your job is fantastic though, Linda. Do you think you could do something more there eventually? Or would you rather work in a different sector all together?

  3. kalisah on June 14th, 2007 11:40 am

    I have worked for 10 years at one of the top children’s charities in the country and let me tell you – it’s no picnic. Sure, I guess I’ve put some good karma out into the world, but there is SO MUCH INSANITY involved that it’s just not worth it.

    I say that if you’re happy & it’s a good company that seems to be a respectable corporate citizen, that’s worth its weight in gold. GOLD, I tell ya.

  4. Jan on June 14th, 2007 11:43 am

    I’m not going to be much help, but maybe it’s nice to get another perspective. I am happy and fulfilled with my job as an elementary library media specialist. Love every single thing about it. Maybe one of the reasons I am so content is that I went back to school and got a second degree and didn’t start this job until I was 36. In two years, I will be 56 and, with 20 years in the system, I will be retiring to start a whole new life of traveling, spending time with family and possibly expanding my part-time Ebay business. I think it does take some time to figure out what you want to be when you grow up. Think long and hard about what you enjoy, what makes you happy, what fulfills you. We spend way too much of our lives working to do something that makes us unhappy.

  5. Eric's Mommy on June 14th, 2007 11:43 am

    I am sort of where I want to be. I said I would never have an office job (I have a degree in Animal Science) now I have an office job and I actually enjoy it.
    I am glad I have a job and it does pay the bills (barely sometimes) and I work for a good company. My husband was laid off right before our son was born and it was nice to have him home but we had NO money!
    It is hard to balance work and family, my husband now works weekend nights so somebody is always home with Eric. It’s tough, we don’t get any time together.
    I am also playing things by ear and hoping for the best!

  6. Connie on June 14th, 2007 11:45 am

    I am where you are. Love my job, love my benefits, know if I applied myself I could be doing so much more. I have almost decided that the bennies and the group I work with, far outweigh my desire to do something “meaninful” and I volunteer a lot on the side. I don’t have kids, so much easier to do.

  7. Katy B on June 14th, 2007 11:57 am

    I have this inner dialogue at least bi-weekly. One thing I can say for sure is that the more solidly I plan my own trajectory, the more likely I am to feel that I’m not in line with what I really want. I’m three courses shy of an MA in English. My plan all along was to immediately surrender my full-time employment in IT upon graduation and run like hell to a career where I will “make a difference.” Lately, however, I’ve realized that just like I’m not using all of my natural skills in my current job, I wouldn’t be using all of them as a teacher. I think I’m slowly inching toward a healthy realization that I don’t have to make these black and white decisions. Maybe I’ll continue my current role and teach part-time. Maybe I’ll do something totally different.

    I’m not sure if this is the case for you, but a part of me really just wants to be paid well for something I’m both great at doing, and also makes me happy. As you know from your work experience, the people who have stumbled into this rare state are few and far between. I don’t want to diminish hope for any of your younger readers, but now more than ever, I consider it a success if I’m satisfied with my job. Forget wildly happy and personally fulfilled. Work is work sometimes. You seem to have such a rich life outside work (I do, too). Don’t stress over deciding to be something when you grow up. Decide to live your life continuing to be open to all possibilities.

    p.s. I’m going to finish my MA either way :)

  8. JennB on June 14th, 2007 11:59 am

    Oh, hell no. I never wanted to do what I am doing with my life, I fell into it right out of college due to my parents soon-to-be-closing business, and I haven’t been able to extricate myself.

    I’m definitely playing it by ear, waiting for my dream job to find me and offer me sick amounts of money to do what I love (I would like to read for a living…. ), and also great benefits, lots of travel, and the ability to work from home. I can’t seem to get my writing published by anyone, and I DO work for the company looking to “reissue, repackage, repackage, re-evaluate the star”* their content and suck the life out of all employees. They’re great people, but I’m ever wary that they will get a buy-out offer, take it and run, and leave the rest of us suckers to die a painful slow death in the hills of Vermont where a good job is hard to come by. My wariness is well-deserved – the company has done such a thing before.

    *10 gold stars to whoever can name the tune, the artist, and the album that this comes from.

  9. Susie on June 14th, 2007 12:01 pm

    I’ve been reading for a while now (hm? maybe six months?) and this is my first comment — love your writing, btw. And your willingness to put it all out there.

    To the subject at hand… I have worked exclusively in non-profits since graduating from college (10 years ago – yikes!) and I couldn’t agree more with Kalisah. Non-profits TRY to do good things in the world, but they don’t always. And many times, they are run by people with lots of passion and little to no expertise (read: mismanaged). Also, when a non-profit has been around for a long time, they often end up working just as hard and spending just as much money just trying to remain in existence as they once did trying to accomplish their original goals!

    Someone I admire once told me, and I’ll never forget it: the terms non-profit or 501(c)3 are merely a governmental tax designation. They don’t necessarily indicate that the organization is doing any good in the world. They don’t necessarily indicate that the people behind them are good or noble or anything of the sort.

    Like Kalisah said, if you’re happy where you are and you respect the company you work for, that’s HUGE. Good luck to you — I struggle with this issue myself and I know it’s not easy.

  10. laura on June 14th, 2007 12:04 pm

    I’ve worked for THREE psycho husband and wife companies. After the first, you’d think I would have learned, but nooo…

    I’m so definitely not doing what I thought I would be doing right now. Sometimes I still can’t believe that I left my job and put my career on hold almost 2 years ago to pursue full-time motherhood. I didn’t really know what I was doing when I quit, and I partially did it b/c I was so pissed off at my work situation and not really because I had an overwhelming feeling that I needed to spend 24X7 with my child. But now, 2 years into it, I know that it was the best decision I’ve ever made. The slower pace suits me much better than the road rage, caffiene fueled existence that I was living before child. And despite the occasional longing to return to the out of the house workforce, I know that these longings are much less frequent than the urges to maim one of my ex-coworkers that I used to experience. I’m much more suited to being a loner in this respect.

    But, all that said, if I were in your shoes, and had I been happy with my job, employer and benefits when my daughter was born, I know I would have stuck around for a while.

  11. justmouse on June 14th, 2007 12:06 pm

    i’ve thought those very same things…numerous times. mostly, i’m a living-day-by-day kinda person, so as far as i’m concerned, i have a good job, i love my family, we have food and a roof over our heads…life is good. but a couple times a week i start to look around and realize i am 33 years old. my son is already planning what college courses he’s going to take in a couple of years. i haven’t actually ACHEIVED anything. and the scary part is…this is exactly where i see myself in 10 years. also, with my discovery of Facebook, and finding all the kids i grew up with…i feel a little…pathetic. the kids i used to play street hockey with have traveled the world, gone to college, started companies, traveled the world, had prize winning photography from third world countries. and i….sit in an office all day, doing a job i really don’t care that much about one way or the other, and my biggest concern this week is that i need to buy new vacuum bags. i never went to college. i have no true PASSION. i have no idea what i want to be when i grow up. there are soo many things i’d love to do and/or see in my life, but i honestly don’t think i will ever ever get to. my biggest hope at this point is that my son will be better than me, and i can see all these things vicariously through him. i want him not to sit in a dirty rental house, wondering what he did with his life. i worry that he will resent me for not exposign him to more experiences. i hope that he never looks down on me or is ashamed of me. sooo many things that run through my head when i let guard down.

    but on the days when the sun is out, and i am happy, and my boy and i can just be silly and giggle together, i wonder if it’s really so important for EVERYONE to save the world?

  12. Moose on June 14th, 2007 12:08 pm

    I am the mother-loving queen of playing it by ear and hoping for the best. For the past five years, I’ve been at a soul-hugging arts nonprofit job. I quit two weeks ago because I felt done in both the challenge sense and the “I’m sick of making half what everyone else does for doing this job”. I was actually upset to be turned down for a job by a soul-sucking corporation. I am a twisted human being.

    So I’m hanging out in the between times, hoping to find something that works and that will make me enough to have an IRA and buy shoes for my kids. Not that I have kids, but when I do, I hear they’ll want shoes. When I get stressed out about the lack of money or lack of a fully-formed life plan, I am gently (more or less) assured that something will work out. Because it always does. (At least in the world of middle-class privilege.) I don’t have any breathtaking words of wisdom, but you sound like a smart gal who has her head on straight. So things will work out. They always do.

    (Really enjoying your blog, by the way. Thanks.)

  13. Elizabeth on June 14th, 2007 12:09 pm

    I had this desperate desire to be a stay-at-home mom and raise lots of perfect little smiling children. That’s what I wanted to do. I’m finishing my college degrees, but the Plan was for the hubby to work and for me to stay at home with the little ones. (The degrees are a back up plan in case something terrible happens, and I have to work, regardless of how much I would not love to teach high school French.)

    So we had one, and I realized that my Type A personality and little ones are not exactly complimentary. After about 4 hours, as much as I love my son, I want to toss him out the front door and lock it or shove him into a cabinet with one of those handy cabinet locks, stick my fingers in my ears, find a corner to hide in, and rock back and forth reminding myself he’ll grow out of whatever he’s doing at the time.

    So, long story short, not only do I feel like a terrible mother since I don’t want to spend every waking moment with my little darling, I also have no idea what I want to do with my life now. From reading what everyone has said and what I’m going through, I would certainlly say that you are not alone. If you happen to stumble onto a wonderous solution, please do share it. I’m at a loss.

  14. K on June 14th, 2007 12:12 pm

    Oh god. Just putting off doing anything, really. Graduated from college with a useless liberal arts degree a few years back, couldn’t think of anything better to do, so I decided that law school was a totally excellent idea.

    $150K in student loans later, I’ve realized that I don’t particularly like anything about the prospect of being a lawyer, but I can’t afford to do anything else. Because I am so clearly ambivalent about the practice of law, I’m having a hard time finding a job, and I’ve kind of quit looking.

    Law school = mistake. Expensive one.

  15. Pete on June 14th, 2007 12:15 pm

    The answer you seek is “42″

  16. deanna on June 14th, 2007 12:15 pm

    ok i come from a little different perspective in that i specifically entered a helping profession, in my case nursing, because i wanted a job where although i know i wont make a buttload of money, i can come home at the end of the day with the knowledge that ive helped someone. i can say that i experience this every single day and it is quite possibly the most rewarding part of my job, what keeps me putting myself through emotional hell at work day in and day out. however, there are also days when i just come home and feel like ive been shit upon [both literally and figuratively] and whats the point because in the end patients still die and things still go wrong and you cant save everyone? its incredibly stressful some days knowing that a childs LIFE is in my hands. i take a LOT home and thats one of the biggest downsides to my job. the constant threat of emotional flameout. is it where i pictured myself five years ago? probably not quite. is it what i want to do for the forseeable future? at least for now. would i give up my job for a desk job where i sit in a cubicle, stare at a computer screen and answer a telephone all day? no, but some days i would give my left ARM for that. in the end thats not me, but im ok with that. the world needs all sorts of people in it to function so more power to those who do that. im in graduate school working on a pediatric nurse practitioner degree and sometimes the amount of work involved in that really makes me wonder if its worth it. but in the end i figure everything will work itself out. im lucky to be young and not have family commitments yet. as a former full-time volunteer, i totally recommend doing some part time volunteer work to explore some future options and make those connections, learn those skills and help people… in the end, im more or less lucky to say that i love my job [heartbreak and all] and im glad for that because if you find a job you love, youll never hafta work a day in your life… [corny, but so true]

  17. Donna on June 14th, 2007 12:18 pm

    My job sucks so hard I’m sure you can hear it from there. The only plus is that it does pay the bills, the benefits are ok, and I only have 3 years to retire.
    My boss is literally the antichrist, and the supervisors are his imps with pitchforks and or their dicks hanging out. There is no job satisfaction, safety, or any benefits to doing what we do.
    It didn’t use to be so bad, but I tell you, when it changed, we were all making too much to quit.
    However, in March, there was an overthrow of the union, I got involved in that, unfortunately it was heading to the same old thing, so myself and a couple other guys argued it around, and we just accepted the resignation of the people who were trying to be shady, and we are starting all over again, today. It’s been a real cluster, but hopefully, all the drama is done and over, and we can get our shit together long enough to get people involved again.
    Your job? Sounds like heaven………

  18. jonniker on June 14th, 2007 12:20 pm

    Career path. Oh Jesus, welcome to my giant bucket o’ woes. I had a very serious corporate job at one point – a job that I hated, and subsequently left on a whim one day with no prospects, and no idea what I would do next. I planned to become a medical receptionist and write a book on the side. And then, suddenly, through an ad in the paper and sheer luck, I pushed my way into a job that I love, but is not sustainable over the long-term, as it pays so little and requires such long hours that it’s hilariously dumb to think of a family at this joint.

    So, my next plan is…is…well, I have a vague idea what it is, but again, it’s something I’ve fallen into with sheer luck and a good friend. I’m in the application process now, and am spending most of my days quietly freaking out, hoping against hope that it works out, and giving myself intestinal cramps while I’m at it.

    The thing is, I know what my passion is: I love to write and edit, period. Love it. And while people say that knowing your passion is half the battle, it’s so stressful trying to bring that passion into something real, it really is. I’ve put so much pressure on myself that I’m practically paralyzed with fear, too terrified to do anything about it and afraid that I’ll miss my shot at doing whatever it is I’m supposed to do next.

    You’re sure as all hell not alone in this. It’s all, I think, in how we measure success. I haven’t gotten to the point where I measure success in friends and family, rather than ladder-like career accomplishments. It’s the only measure I’ve ever known. My goal, actually, is to get THE FUCK over all of this and just be happy. Have a baby, enjoy my husband, understand that success comes in other forms that can’t be measured by someone else, and have my job/passion supplement that.

    I’m still working on it. In fact, I don’t even think I’m at the door of that goal.

  19. Colleen on June 14th, 2007 12:20 pm

    My career plan flew out the window when Zoe was born with bilateral hip dysplasia. I worked as a “Parent Service Director” (aka Assistant Director) at a child care center. The plan was to return to work with Zoe in tow at 6 weeks old. She would be in the infant room with the teacher I taught myself (and LOVED). I would work right out the classroom door where I could even hear her cry and quit what I was doing to hold her myself. Life looked good… and I’d continue up the ranks to high and mightly director of all things child care.

    Well…. Zoe had to where a pavlik harness for 2 months, then a body cast for 2 months, then the harness again. I just couldn’t put anyone else in the position of caring for Zoe and her contraptions (and I didn’t trust anyone else with it.) So…. after 6 months of “please extend my leave another month”, “Another month please?”, “please please please”…. I was finally told all was well and Zoe was “day care friendly”. By then…. I loved being home too much and we had learned to live without my income.

    Now… I have no “career plans”. We’re figuring at this point I might as well just stay home until we have another baby (in the next year or so). Sometimes life has it’s own plans and you have no choice but do go with it.

  20. Operation Pink Herring on June 14th, 2007 12:22 pm

    It is so fabulous to hear that other people struggle with this. I have mental debates on a daily basis, going back and forth between “Hey, you have a job and the pay doesn’t suck as much as your last one! You should be grateful for that!”, and “Man, I hate this job and I could give a fuck if this entire industry went down the toilet. Maybe I should get a job that I actually care about?”

    I am most definitely playing it by ear. When I come up with something I’d actually like to do for 40 hours a week, that will be a happy day in history.

  21. Emma on June 14th, 2007 12:28 pm

    Oh man – I’ve just finished uni and, after chilling out and generally being a lazy ** this summer, I’m off to start begging companies to hire me… I’m slowly getting the impression that breaking into the industry I want to (film production, of all things) might be a little more difficult than first imagined… :)

  22. Michelle on June 14th, 2007 12:30 pm

    I’m right there with you. I started a new job last October and it is everything I have ever hoped for in a company. I am a single mom to 2 kids ages 6 and 4 so flexibility is more important than anything other than the paycheck. I am so bored at this new job. I love reading your blogs, but I seriously should have enough work to keep me busy. I keep thinking that maybe I am not supposed to be here at this job. I don’t know what I want to do when I grow up either. You are not alone in the way you feel.

  23. lea on June 14th, 2007 12:37 pm

    My partner and I are both IT Geeks with amazingly nice jobs with great benefits and decent pay. But with the good comes the bad and we deal with politics, BS, and the fact that I make less than all of the people on my team which has its moments of suckage as you say. Recently we spent 2 weeks in Alaska with my family and we decided “screw this, we’re moving to Alaska!” So we’re going to quit our jobs and drive a huge UHAUL up there right before the winter hits sometime in October. The fact that we’re changing our lives and moving to a place where the appropriate attire for any occupation is jeans and hiking boots makes us happier than we have ever been before. I’m in a place where I will continue to work with IT and hopefully make decent money doing it while my partner wants to have an enlightening job saving the planet and being happy. I say if you can do what you want and make enough to live and be happy you should go for it!

    Perhaps a discussion with dooce is in order – neither she nor her husband have to work and they make their money blogging and living their lives. I bet you’re getting up there in hits and could make a pretty penny being a professional blogger :-)

  24. Swistle on June 14th, 2007 12:37 pm

    I think Workplace should consider changing their company slogan to “Not thinking of ways to slowly butt-fuck our customers without the common courtesy of a reacharound.” That would look awesome in a big explosion-star on the front of the shiny package.

    I have a constant, low-grade panicky feeling that I have completely ruined all prospects of a non-minimum-wage and/or in-any-way-satisfying career by taking so many years off to be home with kids. I try not to think about it. I will think about it later. Laaaaaaaaaater.

  25. Claire on June 14th, 2007 12:37 pm

    I sort of fell into my position. The girl who held it before ended up being at the county-wide teacher interview day a year ago and we ran into each other. She got an early childhood job, I got screwed over at a high school, and I went to my former teacher and her boss, and asked if I could take over. It’s a good job in that I am the person to whom grad students, who also teach freshman writing at the university, come to when they have any issues. I make the entire schedule of freshman writing classes each semester and help those students get into an appropriate writing class. BUT, it doesn’t pay a lot (more than any retail job though) and I have to teach a section of English on the side to make what I want. It’s a government job so the benefits rock (it’s only gonna cost me 250 bucks – total – to have a kid!). I somehow saw myself either teaching high school or pursuing a PhD in writing.

    I lost my impetus to go back to school though and now, 7 months pregnant, I’m cruising along, hoping this job keeps me afloat for as long as I need to get through the first few year’s of my son’s life and then maybe, maybe I will get on track to that bigger, better SOMEthing where I’ll be fulfilled in the ways you speak.

    Maybe we’re all like that.

  26. Ali on June 14th, 2007 12:39 pm

    I’ve been struggling with this issue for a little while now. Back in 1993, I became a single parent of my 3 kids and I set to work to provide for them with no assistance from their father (not my choice, his). In 1997, I graduated from college and began a job as a Programmer/Analyst and have been working at the same job ever since. Don’t get me wrong I like what I do but I mainly stuck to this job due to the financial security it provided so that I could raise my children alone. Well, my youngest is 14 yrs old and is the only one in the house now. So I’ve began to let my mind wonder to if I want to continue with this job after he moves out. I would love to branch out into some kind of Graphic Design career. I got a taste for it after I designed the collector cards that are for The Elephant Sanctuary in TN and I loved it! It is slowly dawning on me that soon I can make basically any choice about what I want to do, where I want to do it and to tell you the truth after 14 yrs of working for my kids, it’s kinda exciting yet terrifying.

  27. DDM(Sonia) on June 14th, 2007 12:41 pm

    I think I have finally made peace with the fact that I threw away my degree. Sort of. I worked in my degree related career for 15 years before I quit. My kiddo is special needs, and I needed to be more available for his needs than my job would allow. The financial blow was enormous. We managed by the skin of our teeth for a year before I went back one weekend day a week to lighten the financial strain. And then we had to give up family time. And THEN. I got robbed at work for the second time, at gunpoint, and that did me in. I no longer trusted a single person that walked in the door.

    So I stopped working in that field completely. And got The Fluffiest Job In The World. My friend owns a tanning salon, and took me on two nights a week. This way we don’t need a sitter because I leave for work when my husband gets home. Do I feel like I’m contributing meaningfully to society? Uh NO. BUT, what I needed was a j-o-b that I could go to, enjoy, and go home. That’s what this job is for me. I also really love the clientele for the most part. In my previous career, I got 1 or 2 nice customers a week. In my current job, I get all nice customers with maybe one grumpy wanker a month. And I get to talk and smile and laugh through my whole shift while making a few bucks and getting a mommy break.

  28. warcrygirl on June 14th, 2007 12:46 pm

    If someone had told me, at age 18, that I would be married and a mother by the time I was 30 I’d have called you a liar. If that same someone had told me I’d also be overweight I’d have punched him/her in the mouth. Do I regret where I am now? Nope, although I’m not crazy about my waistline right now.

  29. Emily on June 14th, 2007 12:50 pm

    I am infinitely jealous of your job.

    As for me … let’s not open that can of worms. Have I mentioned that I work in Public Affairs? For the Army? I’m surprised the word “propaganda” isn’t actually included in my job description. And needless to say, I’m counting down the days until I can get out of the military, rediscover my soul and do something a little less actively sinister with my writing.

    Ironically, while I was writing this comment, my boss called me to say that I had to take a news brief about the President not getting his watch stolen in Algeria out of the daily newsletter, simply because it a non-super-positive story about Bush, and that might annoy the general. Did you hear me literally banging my head against a concrete wall?

    Sorry. I’m done now.

  30. Jennifer on June 14th, 2007 12:50 pm

    Yeah, I thought I had figured it out. Waited tables for a few years, then ran screaming to corporate hell for a few, then got married and took a break to figure out what I “really wanted.” Chose counseling, went back to school — shoulda been 2-3 years, but I had a kid and a difficult delivery, so 3 years turns to 5, and now I’m realizing I have to keep my corporate hell part time to AFFORD to be a counselor, at least pre-licensure. And right now my 2.5 year old is having trouble with daycare, so I’m working as little as possible so I can get her out every day, which means I can’t do anything but make money this summer, which means I probably won’t do any counseling until next spring.

    It’s like everything I’ve learned with parenting: you think it’s about the decision — cloth or disposable? formula or nursing? — but really it’s the day to day b.s. that comes after you’ve made the Best Decision Ever, the one you wouldn’t change for the world. It doesn’t stop being hard, no matter what. So for now, I watch her sleep and realize the counseling will wait, this is more important right now. This is the best “good” I can do in the world, to feed and clothe and nurture her; it trumps all the other good I will definitely do when the universe has calmed the fuck down.

    Thanks for listening. :)

  31. Lex on June 14th, 2007 12:57 pm

    ohhhhh woman.

    I work as an administrative assistant for the first and only forensic nursing station in the midwest…so yes, of course i have this immense feeling of accomplishment when i go home at night.

    but if/when i/we screw up? the world collapses. if we can’t help someone? my heart breaks.

    with this job i hear and see terrible things nearly every day. i have to study forensic anatomical pictures of horrifying and gruesome things…and it doesn’t even phase me anymore. my husband takes one look and his face goes pale…

    that makes me seem almost freakish and terribly alone. what i find interesting makes others see me as a monster because i’m not immediately turned off and offended at these stories and pictures.

    so, as always, “with great power comes great responsibility.”

    i’d kill for your job.

  32. Tess on June 14th, 2007 12:58 pm

    I am not at all where I thought I would be, but really think I am heading to a great place. In high school, I thought I would become a teacher and work in underprivledged neighborhoods changing the face of the world one child at a time (not even kidding, that is a quote I told people when they asked what I was going to do with my life after high school). Well, I met a man, dropped out of school, and moved three thousand miles away from anything familiar. After settling down and obtaining residency, I am crawling towards my degree three credits at a time; though I have switched my major from education to business. I recently incorporated myself as a residential real estate appraiser, and am supporting my boyfriend (along with our savings) as he completes his doctorite in psychology. We feel that this will give him greater earning power, and hopefully a more flexible schedule so that I may finally have my dream job of being a SAHM of five kids.

  33. Kirsten on June 14th, 2007 1:00 pm

    Wow, no way am I where I thought I would be! I was convinced that my career was all I would ever want. I had no idea that I would be having the time of my life at 28, married to a man twice my age with two girls under two, staying home and loving the hell out of my life. I miss my career. I do, but I am too happy playing and showing my kids about the world.

    I am also terrified that when I am ready to go back to work I will have to start at the bottom and no one will want someone who has a huge employment gap. It is a tough balance, but I am just trying to be content with my choice because really, it is a hell of a lot of fun.

  34. Emily on June 14th, 2007 1:01 pm

    P.S. Nope, I never thought I’d be doing this. Never ever ever.

  35. Ter on June 14th, 2007 1:03 pm

    Welcome to my world. If we’re going to be technical about this, here’s my current resume:

    * forever on-call as register jockey of a costume shop. I technically quit in February of ‘06, but I’m friends with the store owner and she knows I only quit the manager at the moment of one of her shops.

    * I’m technically an employee at a local community college as a professional tutor, but my student never showed and no one wants a writing tutor. At least not last semester.

    * I work part-time at a shoe store. I get benefits and it pretends to pay the bills. It’s the most steady work I’ve got going for me

    * I sub at 2 schools and sometimes I count them as separate jobs. With the school year winding down, that gravy train is drying up. And I want to quit them in the worst way.

    I just got turned down for a technical editing position for some big government-owned company. I’m a certified teacher that would rather be a writer… or a panda bear. I have 2 degrees and no clue as to what I want to do with either of them. Any hints/suggestions/job offers would be wonderful! I’m not 100% sure I’m joking with that last bit.

  36. omu on June 14th, 2007 1:05 pm

    I’ve been out of college for nearly 10 years. That time has been spent bouncing around in three year employment spurts trying to decide what I want to do when I grow up. I think I’ve finally decided what that is – and it actually is something I wanted to do when I was little. In a little under 6 weeks at the age of 31 with a toddler and a husband and a mortgage to pay I’ll finally be starting law school. I know it’s going to be hard. I feel like it’s something I had to do. I will be able to better support our family, and I’ll finally be doing something to realize my (formerly untapped) potential.

  37. Leah on June 14th, 2007 1:05 pm

    I’m lucky enough to say I have my dream job. Not only is it perfectly suited to my skills and temperament, but the people are genuinely goodwilled and hardworking (to a point) and because we’re a nonprofit, we are actually official, government-sanctioned do-gooders. BUT. That comes with a price. I make about half of what I could make at a larger, corporate publishing house, but am I willing to give up 11a-5p workdays, shoelessness, pride in my output, and vacations whenever the hell I want just to make more money slaving for The Man? It’s hard to monetize peace of mind, and so I’m content to stay where I am for now, but I have to admit that if I’m still here in ten years (or even five?), I’ll feel like a bit of a loser. Plus, what happens when babies start pouring out and I’ll have an even greater need for both schedule flexibility and cash to buy diapers? What then?

  38. GoingLoopy on June 14th, 2007 1:12 pm

    If you decide you’re tired of your job…PICK ME.

    I thought I would be doing something more lucrative, or at least more tragically hip and cool. Instead, I deal with asshole attorneys with a rapidly declining patience level because, dude, for the money they make, I would actually pay attention to what’s going on around me.

  39. angela on June 14th, 2007 1:13 pm

    Last month I almost quit my job to enroll in cosmetology school (to which my BF said that “he wouldn’t mind” if I became a hairstylist which made me flip out because since when does his “minding” what I do for a living have any real bearing?). This month I want to go to be properly trained as a chef. I’m good at my job and I worked my ass off to get where I am, at my age, making more than my friends who graduated from fancy universities while I dropped out of community college. Sometimes I want to do something that makes me happy. Sometimes I want to do something that will make an impact on the world. It changes daily. The hardest part is maintaining a grip on reality. Sure, becoming a concert violist would be completely fulfilling, but I’m 26 and that’s not gonna pay the bills.

  40. Julie on June 14th, 2007 1:16 pm

    I work for a small non profit and am happy most days with what I do (customer service). It wasn’t what I went to college for, but that’s OK. What put this job into perspective, actually, was my last job. I worked for an emotionally abusive tyrant and did have to lie every day to customers on financial matters (we overcharged them, and we knew it.). I figure if I have a job where I don’t come home crying, or wake up in a cold sweat every night, that’s enough for me. For now.

  41. victoria on June 14th, 2007 1:17 pm

    This is off-topic, but I still can’t get over how great your writing about the DUI is. First, pretty young women usually feel obliged to be NICE as well as pretty, to be charming & sweet and never angry or sullen. And I think you feel this pressure, Linda: your writing is usually funny and charming and almost completely devoid of anger.

    There was nothing adorable about the DUI but you wrote about it in great detail, honestly and movingly. I sort of thought writing about it was progress for you as a writer as well as a person.

    Also, you just wrote about it *so* well. The description of you sitting there, trembling and viciously hung over, facing your impeccably groomed lawyers’ beautiful family in photographs behind him. The description of your drinking as your “daily drown.” You always write well but these entries were particularly well done.

    Also, you gave me something to like about JB. All I had known about him before made him, uh, seem sort of insensitive? He likes guns, he thinks killing animals is fun, he likes the global-warming-be-damned BAMT (and vehicles like that always make me think, “well, SOMEONE’s compensating for a tiny penis”), he likes pronography, he forgets mother’s day, he likes to make you spend six hours in traffic en route to Oregon with a squalling baby so he can visit his family’s cabin or build a fence for his brother or enjoy some other get-together with *his* family who make you use single-ply toilet paper etc., (while you never impose your family on him), regardless of the fact that these trips define the absolute opposite of “vacation” for you and in fact rob you of the chance to use those days for some activity that would be useful or pleasureable for you.

    And then we learn he stood by you through thick and thin, loved you when you were unlovable, forgave you when you thought you didn’t deserve it, gave up drinking to help you, and generally acts like a man who really loves you and does the right thing by you even when you’re not pretty and charming and adorable.

  42. jenna on June 14th, 2007 1:21 pm

    Love reading everyone’s comments. What a fascinating group we are!

    I am officially in limbo land which is fine by me. I spent my 20s as a modern dancer (read: semi-starving waitress/grant writer/massage therapist/Pilates instructor). I made the conscious decision to make no money but do what made me happy (relatively) because I knew I couldn’t go back and dance when I’m 40. Now that I’m a wife and mom (holy crap that still blows my mind), I am home most of the time, teaching a few Pilates classes here and there and pondering a return to the working world. I’m a bit surprised to find that teaching Pilates, which started as a way to feed myself without waiting tables, has actually become quite a passion.

    I have a great model in my mom. She was a librarian before she had kids, a paramedic while we were in school and now she’s a counselor at Planned Parenthood. She’s had three different degrees (or trainings) and three distinctly different jobs. I never really wanted a single JOB. I really like thisbook my friend just turned me onto: “The Renaissance Soul. Life design for people with too many passions to pick just one” by Margaret Lobenstine.

  43. Anne L. on June 14th, 2007 1:22 pm

    When I was 20, I would NEVER have thought that when I was 40 I would be a head cook of a large-ish catering kitchen at a private uni. Or that I would be married and tryingtryingtrying to start a family. I think I may have possibly looked down on people like myself, back then.
    I’m pretty happy with what I do, it’s a challenge most days, and allows the creative side to come through. The money is great, but only because of weeks on end without a day off, and days that begin and end in the dark. Hourly pay is pretty sweet that way.
    I am constantly baffled by people in my line of work who juggle a demanding career, husband/wife/other, kids, social life, on and on and on.
    And I always wonder, how am I going to do all of that when my time comes? I guess I feel like I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

  44. gabby on June 14th, 2007 1:24 pm

    I am a journalist. I have always wanted to be a journalist, since I was itty bitty. So, yes. I am what I have always wanted. HOWEVER, I am doing it differently than I imagined. I wanted to be a foreign correspondent for a major daily newspaper. Instead I am home with my kid doing freelance from time to time. I’m assuming I’ll carve out some time when the kid is in school to write more regularly, but for now this is fine. Same finish line, different execution. But still ok.

  45. biscuit on June 14th, 2007 1:25 pm

    I’m not @ all where I thought I would be. I fell in love with an Army officer + now I go where he goes. Where we are stationed has a horrible economy with even lower values when it comes to culture. I have a Bachelor’s in photography so it’s not doing me any good until I can move to a real city. I wish I had the money to buy an awesome SLR digital camera so I could start my own business, but no job = no spare cash. I’m up to my neck in student loans so I don’t dare take out any more loans. It sucks, but I don’t regret marrying my husband. Life is unpredictable + of course, unfair. I have no “real” experience in my trade other than having gone to college. Not even one-hour photo labs or gangster studios like Wal-Mart/Sears/Glamour Shots will give me a chance. It really has taken a toll on my self-esteem. @ least I found my soul mate, right?

    Speaking of photography, I LOVE your images. I honestly think you should turn that into something, a home business perhaps. This is coming from someone who knows what great pictures look like… think about it. :) Living in Seatle too… man, you could really make some cash. OR submit some of your more fine art images to galleries.

  46. Melissa on June 14th, 2007 1:28 pm

    I had no idea what I wanted to do when I was a high school senior 10 years ago. I chose nursing because I couldn’t bear the thought of hearing my future college major announced as “UNDECIDED” to the entire city at Senior Band Night. It’s true. And when I ended up very unhappy in nursing halfway through college, my family and friends were totally shocked. Everyone told me “Stick it out, you’re halfway done.” My father yelled that I was “giving up” and he wasn’t going to pay for me to continue college past the 4-year mark just so I could become a “perpetual student.” (By the way, he never spent a dime. I had a full academic scholarship.) I knew nursing wasn’t right for me, but I had no clue what ELSE to do. So I stayed in the nursing program and was miserable. Then I worked as a RN for 5 years after college and was even more miserable (as Deanna quite truthfully said above, it can be “emotional hell”). I’m 28 now and I’m still trying to figure out what career would be a good “fit” for me–a job that I’m good at AND that I enjoy.

    One thing I never saw myself doing was being a SAHM. Heck, I didn’t even want to have kids up until a few years ago. And here I am at home with an almost-11-month old. It’s much more rewarding than I ever imagined. However after baby #2 (in another 1.5-2 years) I plan to go back to school for something else. Thankfully I still have a little time to figure out what that “something else” will be (graphic design? teaching? law school? who knows??). I have the motivation, I just need to pick a direction.

    I have many friends in their 20’s and 30’s who feel the same way, in all different careers and situations in life. Our parents and grandparents were happy to find a job to earn money, and they usually stayed at it until they retired. We (and those younger than us) do not feel we are stuck on one path–we have the option to change once, twice, ten times–which is good, but at the same time, it’s overwhelming!

    Good luck to you!

  47. Keri on June 14th, 2007 1:35 pm

    I NEVER would have expected to be where I am now. I always imagined that I would have a husband, children, a house of my own, and a successful, fulfilling career. I don’t have any of these things. Yet. I’m still hoping I will. I think part of what I enjoy about your blog is that I am able to experience some of that life, the one I want, through you. So even if you are angsty, realize that you already have what many of us aspire to have.

    I graduated from college with a useless liberal arts degree, hoping to go to grad school to pursue said useless subject in order to teach it to eager undergrads thirsting for knowledge. Financial problems and relationship issues compelled me to consider alternative career options, and so for nearly 10 years I worked at a large variety of unfulfilling jobs, both clerical and professional, always hoping either to find a job I loved (but I pretty much despised them all) or go back to school. Applied to law school a few times, thinking law would be more “practical,” but the prospect of adding to my already sizable student loan debt (from college) kept me away from law.

    After obtaining a Master’s degree, I am finally (at 36) in the midst of getting that PhD I have always wanted, in a field for which about zero jobs exist. (Academia does NOT offer many job opportunities.) The idealistic vision I had of college faculty living lives inspiring college students, studying fascinating subjects, contributing to the expansion of knowledge, etc. — well, I didn’t realize how much bullshit, politics, petty rivalries, and incredible pressure (plus low pay) a professorship involves. That is, should you be so lucky as to GET a full-time tenure-track position.

    I am now seriously thinking of dropping out of the program, because I am sick of my dissertation subject, sick of the pretentious egomaniacs at my school, and sick of having no money to speak of. But what else could I possibly do? I am profoundly unqualified for so very, very many things. And I, too, want a job about which I can feel passionate and which offers the chance to make a positive difference in people’s lives. As a professor, I could have this, but as a . . . what? realtor? office assistant? library clerk? . . . I couldn’t.

    Finally, it would be nice to be able to afford to support myself. Properly. I can’t even think about getting a dog, because I can’t really afford one, much less have a child.

    But I’m still hoping that everything will work out, even if I have no earthly idea of how and thus no specific plan for getting there.

  48. Teralyne on June 14th, 2007 1:38 pm

    I am working as a system/network admin. I like my job but I do not DO NOT like The president of this company. I know I am under paid here also so my goal is to get somewhere doing similar work for what I am worth and it would be nice if I atleast liked who I was working for. Wish me luck.

  49. Suki on June 14th, 2007 1:46 pm

    Great post, and I share your general malaise. It’s sort of like, is that it? Although it isn’t bad, it’s just not rocking my world either.

    And Jenn B. – is that a Smiths song? Something about a Sycophant?? Not sure of the album, maybe Meat is Murder.

  50. Keaton on June 14th, 2007 1:48 pm

    I was recently told that small children bite (imagine that!), and as such I hope that in the future my job involves some sort of NOT dealing with children, at least for the next, oh ten years. But hey, I told myself when I entered high school I wanted a good education and to study abroad in Japan for a year. I am now at a school that people have classified as a “new Ivy” (whatever that means) and will be in Japan starting in September, but only for a semester. Ya know, that just makes me pretty satisfied, all things considered. Things could improve in several areas, but hey, I have good friends and I’m enjoying my time, and what more is there? I don’t know, but I’m content not knowing for the time being, because my life is my own and I will not regret being unable to save the world or have superpowers or whatever. I guess all I’m hoping for is to make it through school well and get my black belt while I’m at it.

  51. Christina on June 14th, 2007 1:52 pm

    I love my job. It is sort of like yours in that there are tons of perks, I can make a boat load of money as long as I work hard, it is great place to work without all of the drama other places have and it is totally not something I ever thought I would be doing ever. I mean I wear carpis and jeans and t-shirts and whatever to work and I can take my shoes off and walk around with them on without a look.

    It is definitely not a job one can train for (I am a physician recruiter – headhunter -consultant). It is a challenging job that has made me a better, stronger and much happier person. I do not question whether it is my dream job because it is in so many ways in an odd sort of way. I feel like if I left this job I would never be happy with anything else. BUT I daily have a war with myself. The downsides to my job include that I have no flexibility – it is full time 40 hours (but that is it – our office is SHUT DOWN at 5:00p.) I cannot choose to work part time to flex the time with my husband (who also works here doing the same thing.) I cannot work from home and I cannot change my hours so my son gets dropped off at day at 7:45a everyday and is there until 5:15p everyday.

    I feel tremendous guilt for this. I always said if I was going to be mom I would stay home with my kids. I want to so badly I can taste it but on the other hand I love my job and make lots of money in a great place. If I were to leave there would be no going back. This is a small family run place and they just cannot handle this kind of thing. It is so small I first person to have gotten pregnant, went on maternity leave, came back and survived to talk about it. Most of my colleagues are older and have grandchildren or kids in college (or are men with wives who work from home or are teachers with flexible summer hours…) SO I worry and hope that what I am choosing to do is best for my son because it feels good most of the time besides that little war going on in my head.

    Oh as for long term if you asked me before I had kids I would have said I will be with this organization until I retire or die. I love it that much! But now with my son and hopes of having another one some time in the nebulous future, I would say the same thing but with a big old fat BUT after that like well if I could find a way to stay home I would and leave this place I love…

    Ah rambling, going now.

  52. jonniker on June 14th, 2007 1:54 pm

    JennB- I think it’s The Smiths, Paint a Vulgar Picture? Do I win? No no, I do not win, because I have no idea about the album.

  53. Dawn on June 14th, 2007 1:57 pm

    I never thought I would be where I am, job wise or life wise. I am currently a project coordinator for a company that provides stock market data real time to people in different areas of the financial trading world. I love my job because I am always busy, it is very flexable meaning my hours are my choosing and when I need to I can work from home (only when I need to though) and my boss couldn’t be better. The things I hate about my job; it’s a big company with offices all over the world and that sometime complicates getting things done on tight deadlines, the pay could be much better. The worst thing though is my office is 63 miles from my home 1 way and if you know anything about the S.F. Bay Area you know that means a good hour and a half to two hour (sometimes more) drive each way. This is what works for our family right now and it means the girl get’s to spend every day with her grandma and they adore each other so it works. Someday I will figure out what i want to be when I grow up and then I will pursue that.
    Who said you could read for a living? This would be the job for me, I could happily read all day every day no problem!

  54. Kait on June 14th, 2007 2:10 pm

    Your job sounds nice, even if it is a bit boring.

    I’ve been working as an administrator for the past year. Boring, to be sure, but it pays the bills… and that’s all I was looking for from a job. Soon, I’ll be transitioning into a new position – Mom. This is the career that I have been dreaming about and wishing for, ever since I was a little girl. I hope that I enjoy it as much as I think I will! :)

  55. Pickles & Dimes on June 14th, 2007 2:16 pm

    I hear ya. I finally found a great company to work for doing what I love, but I still have this feeling that I could be doing something even more fulfilling that would be useful to people.

    Plus, with my job being super busy right now, I’m experiencing the whole “Should I or should I not have children?” conundrum, because right now there literally is not enough time in the day for kids to be part of this chaos.

    I wish I could telecommute, because that would be AWESOME.

  56. Josh on June 14th, 2007 2:26 pm

    Well when I was younger, before life snuck up from behind and beat the shit out of me, I had a dream of pursuing a career in graphic arts. In fact I wanted to do what you do right now. I still hope to one day make it into college and somehow fulfill that dream. But the harsh reality is, if you don’t go to college directly after high school, it get increasingly hard to do so with every year that passes. I have a hard working, honest job working blue collar repair work for a decent wage. It’s not great, but it is just sbout the best I can snag for now. I don’t know that I will ever be able to pull together a portfolio for college while working full time (plus), attempting to stumble blindly through the pitch black mine field of dating, and still have time to maintain enough of a social life that I don’t go insane. (-er than I already am) I should be graduated from college and started on my career by now. But instead I am poor and uneducated. So no, I don’t feel satisfied with where I’m at. But at the same time, I enjoy working with my hands, and I derive a certain satisfaction from doing a difficult job as well as I can. I try very hard to be content with my status, and resist the resentful urges I feel towards my successful, married, or wealthy friends. I am ok with my life. I don’t hate it. But I still dream of achieving more some day.

  57. Jennifer Perryman on June 14th, 2007 2:27 pm

    I’m a Navy wife with an MFA in Graphic Design. The degree came before my husband and I was working in my field when we met. With each move the Navy has forced upon us, I have pulled up career roots and settled for the quickest, closest thing I could find to a decent job in my field. This time, I took a pretty big hit, living in an area with a Seattle cost of living but a 2.5 hour commute one-way if I wanted to work in Seattle. I make a pittance with no benefits (benefits were lost when I returned to work part-time after having a my baby) and barely do what I want to do. I am stuck with a student loan in the very nice BMW range and the prospect of pulling up and moving in another year or so, to try and start my career again.

    The sad thing is, I’m not even sure I want to be a graphic designer anymore, though it beats the hell out of what I’m doing now, which is only slightly related. I want to stay home with the baby, maybe have another, and paint, quilt, craft, and otherwise make a living as an artist out of my home. But I stay here because I need to work, I need the money, I need the social interaction, and it’s the only thing going in my area right now.

  58. Jen - Lance's Wife on June 14th, 2007 2:37 pm

    Ahh… I have so been where you currently are. I have a Theater Degree – with a specialty in lighting design. I did that part time for over 15 years. It was great when my kids were little. I then decided I had enough with Drama Queens and Crazy Directors and got a part time office job with a city.

    I love the job – but realized that there are Drama Queens and Crazy Directors in every field – they’re just called by a different name.

    When I first got my theatre degree I wanted to go for my MFA and work with jr high and high school kids – I love that age. I have always waited to have show come along or work with an existing theatre. I recently realized that I don’t need to wait anymore -I can make this happen on my own. So! I’m hoping that by next summer my Children’s Community Theatre will be open in my area. It’s exciting and scary to actually say that I’m going to do it – but I’m not looking back. I’m ready to be what I always wanted to be when I grew up.

  59. Taylor on June 14th, 2007 2:44 pm

    I am not even close to doing what I wanted to do or even still want to do. I am a marketing coordinator for a civil engineering firm. But I love the people I work with. I have made some of the greatest friends here, people that I will still be talking to when I’m fifty. An we are spoiled rotten benefits wise compared to the local market. So on the days that I don’t love my job, like right now when we are in the midst of a huge move, I think of the friends here and the fact that I am really good at what I do and if I ever do have to leave they have trained me well.

    But I want to go back to school and get my degree. I was in a car accident and had to leave school and ended up here instead. So now its just a waiting game. Taking classes when I can so I can end up in an awesome museum in a great town talking about history and art all day. I am pretty sure it won’t pay as well but hopefully by the time I make it there we will have enough socked away so it won’t matter.

  60. Thursday on June 14th, 2007 3:11 pm

    I don’t even have a real job to speak of, it’s all gone rather horribly wrong.

  61. squandra on June 14th, 2007 3:25 pm

    Get out of my head, too! This very day, I find myself moving from very officially playing it by ear to “Where the hell is my resume?” I’m a TV news producer, and our station was just put up for sale. If someone buys us, it could change … Well, anything and everything, to put it briefly.

    That said, I can see both sides of your dilemma. I work at a job I love, but the hours, the pay, etc aren’t great. I knew that going in, and so far — Yes, doing something I care about, and something I consider worthwhile, has been worth it. Sometimes I think I’d go crazy if I didn’t care about my job.

    But that’s partly because it doesn’t offer a lot beyond the job itself. There’s really something to be said for the quality of life your job offers you; try not to lose sight of that element at Workplace, either. A little career-ennui goes a long way when it lends you the opportunity to spend the rest of your time living the life you want to live, with your family.

    Gah. I’m a big help, huh?

  62. miss val on June 14th, 2007 3:39 pm

    I spent several years working for non-profits. It was fulfilling, sure, but the constant worries about funding made coming back to the private sector the best choice for me. I have never looked back. When I am feeling like I am not making a social contributions, I find a spot to volunteer. There are plenty of places in Seattle that need folks for short term projects if you cannot dedicate a lot of time. I get e-mails from Cascade People’s Center after helping paint interior walls there several years ago. You can also go online to the United Way site where they have a large database that you can sort by interest, time available and skill level.

    I don’t have kids, but being a good parent goes a long way when you think about the greater good of society… Nice, cool kids are way better than smart assy violent ones.

  63. Liz on June 14th, 2007 4:26 pm

    I went to a lib arts school and dicked around in grad school for a few years before deciding that I really wanted to be a doctor and Help People. So I did. I’m about to start my last year of residency. In a lot of ways, I adore what I do. Often, I get to Help People in very concrete ways, and the fact that most of my patients are poor and elderly makes it more so. I love many of my patients and I am honored by their trust in me, and even my crappy resident salary pays me enough to live on. On the other hand, that doesn’t mean that I don’t frequently get frustrated by long hours, seemingly impenetrable bureaucracies, unending paperwork, patients who ignore my advice or who show up an hour late every. single. goddamn. time, or patients for whom I can’t do much, but who expect me to work miracles. Today, for example, is the only day I’ll have off this week, and I spent 4 hours of it trying to figure out what to do for a patient who appears to have a parasitic cyst in her liver. I did this on my day off because tomorrow I’ll be on call for 30 hours straight in the ICU and I won’t be able to deal with it then. The point I’m trying to make here is not to garner pity, since I chose my life and I actually enjoy it most of the time, but that no matter how “meaningful” your career, there are going to be aspects of it that suck.

    That said, I have come to the conclusion that it is overly optimistic to expect any given part of your life to satisfy all your needs. I am growing more and more convinced that it’s important to sort of cobble together a life composed of different activities in different spheres that, individually, might lack things you want out of your life but that, taken together, cover all the bases. For me, in the future, I hope to create that coverage by having kids and hopefully a happy family life, and by doing some volunteer work in an area that will be TOTALLY UNRELATED to medicine. I, too, someday hope to write a book. We’ll see how it all comes together. I figure I still have 40 years or so to get it all done.

  64. Laurie on June 14th, 2007 4:51 pm

    Much rumination has occurred here on that one. My conclusion is that we don’t have to be all things at the same time. Bills must be paid and children must be cared for, and there is plenty of stress in that. There is a lot to be said for a place to work that doesn’t leave you drained to the point that you can’t participate in your family or cultivate your personal health. Some workplaces just suck the life out of you, and I count myself blessed to be in one that has great people and good ethics. Passion for my work? Maybe not so much, but I have passion for my family (and you do too). I find that after that, there is about two minutes per week to spend on myself, and it is time well spent. For you, don’t ditch the job, but spend your two minutes on yourself instead of being overextended with job stress and not-spending-enough-time-on-your-personal-health. You sound like you are getting to a good place in the personal health department (wish I could say the same!!) with great abs, personal reflection, happy family, figuring out the mom thing, cool home improvements. This takes maintenance once you are there, it’s not just checking it off the list. It’s a good place to be, and people that can stay there are inherently role models for others.

    Wow, that was long, sorry! Now could you share with the great abs??? I love reading your thoughts, Linda. Take care. Laurie

  65. ShannonJ on June 14th, 2007 5:11 pm

    I backed into my career. Took a temp admin job at a phone equipment company, moved to a permanent admin job at a telecommunications company, then into the corporate world of one of my telecom clients as a network analyst. I still work for the same company, but now I’m in a supply-chain management type of field. Is this what I dreamed of as a little girl playing make-believe with my Barbies? No. Do I think my company is doing something good for the world? Overall, no.

    This is a testament to what can happen when you sink yourself into credit card debt in your early 20’s. I moved into the corporate world for the money and the annual bonus to pay off my debts. I did pay them off, which was good, but I am now like a snake, dancing to the charm of the money flute. House, husband and two kids later, it’s too hard to give it up. I don’t hate my job, but nah, I’m not living my dream. Advice to anyone who reads this who is just starting out: use the early part of your career to find out what it is you really like to do and make it work. I wish I had.

  66. alina on June 14th, 2007 5:20 pm

    I am doing exactly what I want to be doing. My only regret is that I didn’t get to doing it sooner. That said, I have the luxury of being child and husband free…so…there you go.

  67. Rayne on June 14th, 2007 5:21 pm

    I have an interview next week for my dream job – fingers crossed. It is for a part time school counselor position where my kids go to school. It will allow me ample time with the youngest one still at home, vacations and summers while still allowing me to contribute something to the world. I said it is my dream job but it is a far cry from what I imagined myself doing 10 years ago. I wanted a big time career with lots of money, responsibility and prestige. Things change.

  68. Erica on June 14th, 2007 5:23 pm

    I never expected to be a “stay at home” mom. Honestly, before we were married and, in fact for the first 3-4 years of our marriage, never considered being a mom at all. Now, as we are about to celebrate our tenth anniversary we have two adopted daughters (ages 8 and 15), are considering a new foster placement, are trying for our first biological child, and I’ve been at home for three years. I am looking at working part time this fall when the girls are back in school, depending on how soon the pregnancy pans out. As for doing something “fulfiling”, that really isn’t a priority. I am pretty fulfilled by my church work and foster care work, so really all I am looking for in a job is flexible hours, adult conversation and a paycheck.

  69. Melanie on June 14th, 2007 5:25 pm

    I have a job that is, for someone who didn’t finish college yet and has no real marketable skills except really fast typing, good and stable and well-paying. I have a lot of “freedom” because I work nights and therefore work unsupervised, more or less – meaning I can take two hour lunch one day and bust my butt to make up for it the next day, I can read blogs for a few hours if I feel like it, and I take my breaks whenever I want without worrying about anyone else’s schedule (and having worked at a casino where everything was by the clock, I definitely appreciate that). But that’s not to say that it’s great in the Grand Scheme of Things. I don’t make much money in real life terms, and there’s definitely not a feeling of satisfaction or of “this is what I want to do with my life”, and there’s no room for moving upward at all, even when (if) I finish my degree. Okay, that’s long, but basically my job is good for now and my company is really nice so I could see staying here, but ultimately this job is hopefully a lower rung on my career ladder. Or else I’m pretty screwed.

  70. Bianca on June 14th, 2007 5:35 pm

    You know, so funny you should ask…

    A couple weeks ago my good friend in our IT department got fired. Workplace hired someone who shared an uncommon name with someone I had gone out for coffee with last year. The coffee date (spawned by meeting over the internet) turned out to be awkward. The next day after a few email exchanges (namely where I state I’m not interested) coffee date man flipped out and wrote me all sorts of horrible things.

    I thougth about how this new IT person shared the same name “that’s funny! Wouldn’t it be a kick in the pants if this were the same guy?”

    It was the same guy, and FYI it wasn’t funny or a kick in the pants, it was highly uncomfortable, disconcerting and just WEIRD. I asked my superiors to please move me and they were unwilling to help ameliorate my situation.

    Now, I’d been unhappy for awhile at this place and I realized this was not a job worth fighting for, so given that the place that I put in my hard work and effort in for 40 hours a week wouldn’t advocate for me -well, it was the last straw. I resigned two days after the guy started. He wasn’t the reason, but he was the catalyst.

    Now I’m wondering what the hell I will do with my life. What do I want to be? What am I good at and how can I turn those strengths into something that will make me a living?

    I don’t know and I’m so envious of people who do. I’ve been hearing though that you don’t really know what you want to do with your life until you’re in your forties. I’ve got about 11 years to go. Either way, one thing is clear to me. I need to figure out what I want to do and go back to school.

  71. Jessica on June 14th, 2007 6:01 pm

    I got a degree in journalism and spent eight years as a newspaper editor. I started to hate it (bad hours, huge egos), so in January I quit to become a high school teacher. So far, I LOVES IT.

  72. Jem on June 14th, 2007 7:06 pm

    I have no idea what to do, thats why I’m still studying. Ha. I want to be a singer, and maybe the best way to do that as an actual JOB is to sing in a covers band, which is one of the things I’m going for. Some sort of musician, I guess. I play gigs with violin, I do mystery shopping, I love the random things that don’t FEEL like showing up at a job each day.

  73. Jem on June 14th, 2007 7:07 pm

    Oh, and I don’t mean I want to sing in a covers band my whole life, but its a good start.

  74. Jem on June 14th, 2007 7:08 pm

    Gah, one last thing, I study violin (I have a Bachelors degree, I’m doing post grad at the moment) so its awesome.

  75. April on June 14th, 2007 7:24 pm

    Oh yeah, I totally hear ya. Problem is, I’m not very good at anything except my job. Fiance tells me that that isn’t true, but I guess it’s better to say that I’m not good at anything that people would PAY ME for other than my job. And I’m not even all that great at that.

  76. Liz on June 14th, 2007 8:32 pm

    Talk about timely! I am in the process of relocating to another state so career moves are at the top of my list of things to think about.

    I am a registered nurse, working in an outpatient mental health clinic which is rewarding and has good benefits but the salary is lousy by most standards, especially nursing. Still, it has afforded me the luxury of being able to work full-time and be completely accessible to my teenager, my baby, and my husband when he was recovering from heart surgery last year.

    Did I ever think I would wind up at a job like this? No. I have a desk. In an office. I can do most of my work sitting down. I always considered myself to be the kind of nurse that would come zooming past you with a bag of IV fluid and a phone on her ear…

    But now I have the chance to reinvent my career and I’m thinking about giving the hospital another try. No more babies, no surgeries, just time to focus on my career.

  77. H on June 14th, 2007 8:54 pm

    Sadly, I am where I expected I would be because I always end up doing what people expect of me and what is practical — and I’m not a risk taker. I have to support my family because my husband’s salary alone would put us below the poverty line. Well below the poverty line. He loves his job, however. He’s in sales and has made sacrifices (lower income) to avoid having to be on the road all the time, which has been great for the kids. At heart, I’m a creative person and I want to change the world, but that won’t pay the bills and I guess I never believed it would. I hope that as soon as we’re done putting the kids through college, I will be able to leave Corporate Hell and do something I love.

    As I’ve read all the comments (and I’ve read every single one), it makes me worry about my son, who will start college in August. I just don’t think it’s so easy to know what you want to do when you’re 18 or 19 and colleges want you to choose your major so quickly. Plus, as a parent, I can’t afford to help with his tuition for years while he figures it out. But what do I tell him? Do what you love? Find something practical? Hurry up because I’ve only got so much money saved for your education? What IS the right answer?

    I guess for now, I’m going with the theory that you do what you have to do to get by and if you’re lucky, you’ll also be good at it and enjoy it to some degree. And some day, if all the puzzle pieces come together, you may be able to find a job, a volunteer opportunity or a hobby that’s rewarding. Also, as others have mentioned, your job/career is only one aspect of your life.

  78. H on June 14th, 2007 9:26 pm

    Also, we’ve chosen to raise our kids in a smallish city, which limits our job opportunities. And, although my job “fits” me and I do it well, I wouldn’t say I’m fulfilled. I’m not sure how my kids view this or what kind of role model I am for them, if I am one.

  79. Jen on June 14th, 2007 9:35 pm

    Im at a place right now careerwise where I am tied down for at least 2 years in a field I hate. I hope when im done “serving my time” I can find something that, if not fulfilling, is at least something that I can leave at the door and go home without carrying the job with me. Also, can I say that I have a little comments crush on Josh?

  80. Roz on June 14th, 2007 9:41 pm

    I’m lucky. I’m 51, and have manage to have at least 15 different jobs over the years, always doing stuff I enjoyed and making enough money to make it worthwhile. I have a couple of degrees, but none that I’ve used in more than a general sense. BUT, my proudest accomplishment is the job I did for 13 years. I stayed at home and homeschooled both my kids…allowing them the opportunity to have the time to study whatever they wanted (along with reading, writing, and the rest)to whatever depth they desired. One of my kids is a Truman Scholar and was a Rhodes finalist. He lives in DC and is working in HHR policy before going to law school, makes good money and is happy doing it. The other one teaches ballroom dancing, is great at it, loves it and lives hand to mouth, has no idea what he wants to do with his life beyond what he is doing now, and is totally undisturbed by this and happy. He feeds, clothes and has a roof over his own head and that of his girlfriend, so I consider him equally as successful.
    Here is a funny for you…DC son shares a house with 5 others, 4 guys and 2 girls, all of he same general level of achievement as himself. The first time I visited, over a period of time, I asked each one what they planned to do after this fellowship ended. I got answers ranging from law school, to foreign service, to policy work….until I got to one girl…the one I fully expected to say she planned to start her rise to running for president as soon as she turned 40…but no, the answer I got was “I’m looking for a Senator to marry, so I can paint all day”. And she wasn’t half joking!!

  81. thejunebug on June 15th, 2007 1:16 am

    I’m working in a library, which is great fun. It’s an academic institution, which is even better- great pay, excellent benefits, and job security so secure that the fucking rock of Gibraltar has nothing on my job.

    But…

    There’s so much crime here. Maybe I’m just not used to it, being from a small town, but we saw a team of medical examiners/homicide unit poking at a garbage bag stuffed in the trunk of a car that’d been sitting by the side of the highway for three days, in the middle of the city, and do you think there was a word about it on the news? Nope. Some guy was at a soccer field with his kids in our neighborhood, walked out to his van to pack up, and was mugged in broad daylight. The people interviewed were like, “Well, it’s gotta happen somewhere. Why not here.” Do I really want to keep living here?

    We’re here for a few years at least till my husband finishes his degrees, then I think we’ll start looking at other parts of the country (including yours! I’ve family in Eugene). Giving up that rock-solid security will be very, very hard but hopefully the country will be in a better economic state.

    Once we’re settled, I’m going back to school. I’d like to still work in libraries, but I’d prefer to work in an elementary school library. I plan on getting my teachers’ certificate as well as my masters in library science. I don’t plan on doing this for a few years- we’ll have kids first, and then I want them to be old enough to go to school before I go back myself, but it will be fulfilling.

    I guess I just want to be in a place where people will remember me.

  82. Amy on June 15th, 2007 5:19 am

    Right now I’m in commercial lending, and I hate its guts. I drive by a hospital each morning and find myself insanely jealous of the nurses headed in with their cute scrubs on, coffees in hand, and ability to make a difference daily. So yeah, I’m thinking nursing school… maybe starting spring of 09, hopefully after baby #2 (what is taking so long!?!?!?!?)…..
    A lot of my girlfriends are nurses and they swing it so that it actually looks doable, and it sounds so damn fulfilling!

  83. Kristin on June 15th, 2007 5:35 am

    I think it’s sort of “grass is always greener” thing, you know? I love-LOVE! editing, and I was the editor of various trade magazines after I got out of college. But I felt kind of stifled…like my skills were mainly editing and paginating magazines, and shouldn’t I be doing something more? Something…grander, leaving more of an impact, whatever. Then the opportunity came up to work in my family’s business. We analyze oil, like out of your car, truck, airplane, boat, etc. Now I own part of the business, and I can pretty much do what I want. It’s very flexible and casual, and I mostly enjoy the people I work with (though working with family certainly has its moments). I still sometimes feel like I should be doing something more, but really, I’m very blessed and fortunate to have what I do, and I can’t imagine doing anything else any time in the near future. I still freelance some, but kids have greatly cut into that time.

  84. Danell on June 15th, 2007 6:37 am

    I love my job…I can’t even call it a “job.” I am a veterinarian. It is absolutely what I always wanted to do. I work for the most spectacular boss. She is generous, flexible, understanding, and has a sense of humor (most of the time.) She hired me as a new graduate AND PREGNANT (meaning I was probably viewed as fairly useless to most other practice owners). My commute to work is about fifteen minutes and rarely involves any traffic. My sons daycare location is one block away from my office.

    So now that I’ve made it sound perfect:

    Because I was never a great student and spent most of my time in undergrad at bars, getting into vet school was an arduous task. I spent many years working part time and trying to get my grade point average up to a point that any vet school wouldn’t chuck my application out the window. It is really hard to make a dent in a sucky GPA when you’ve got four years worth of credits making up that GPA. When I started going grey, I decided to try a different route; I went out of the country for vet school…to “one of those carribean vet schools.” This gets one of two reactions from people: 1)Ohhh, you must’ve loved living in paradise for school! Two weeks in the carribean is paradise, three years is not. It is a third world country. Electricity and clean water were sketchy. Studying by candlelight without showering for three days never felt particularly luxurious. 2) Ohh, you must not have gotten a very good education at a school like that. Actually, the faculty at our university was a conglomeration of retired US university professors and visiting professors. We learned the exact same material that these professors teach in the US. Plus, we complete our clinical rotations at US universities.

    Despite completing clinical rotations in the US and passing the National Board Exam, caribbean vet school graduates are still required to pass another clinical exam before we can practice in any state other than NY or Ohio. Which doesn’t sound too bad until you realize this exam is four days long and costs over $6000. And it is only offered at a few locations around the country, none of which are close to NY. Since it cost me close to $200,000 to go to vet school (not including undergrad!), I don’t have a lot of spare change laying around for the extra exam. Soooo, I live in NY where I can practice legally. Shockingly, my boss and clients seem to think that I am a perfectly capable veterinarian. In fact, they seem to really like me!

    While my job is nearly perfect (for me), I have a few complaints. NY is more than ten hours away from “home” for us. We would desperately like to move back South. Not going to happen until I can pass that exam. I feel bad watching my baby grow up so fast so far from the rest of his family. And having such a massive student debt is painful; it eats up most of my paycheck every single month. So, despite the fact that most people think that veterinarians are rolling in money, it’s not true for the most part.

    Well, I really didn’t mean to write that much…do you like really long, blathering comments or the short snippet ones??

  85. Cat on June 15th, 2007 7:08 am

    I have a Ph.D. and three years of postdoctoral experience in a field in which I do not work. I now have a shitty job that pays badly because I am limited to this geographical area (which is expensive and not “into” science); I spend a lot of time being a “glorified secretary” to righteous MDs. I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, but it sure as hell isn’t this.

    Good luck with the job search. I’d kill for your job — do you want to trade? (ha ha ha!)

  86. Cari on June 15th, 2007 7:13 am

    I went to college and studied art; four years into it I decided it was totally impractical and I had no motivation or imagination so I quit. Then I went to school to become a massage therapist. I rocked at that and I got nice benefits at the spa where I worked (like free haircuts and dirt cheap products; the “real” benefits sucked ass) but I had to work like a dog to make a decent salary. I got pregnant and quit the spa and decided to go to school to become a court reporter.
    The schooling is tedious and often boring, but there is a lot of potential in the field. I can work in court or do captions on television (from my living room! Who knew?) or help deaf people in schools or workplaces. I just hope I like it when I am done. It’s really hard to get the work done when I’m home with my 4-month-old, though. It’s also hard to get the work done when I read blogs all day, too, but I put most of the blame on the kid…

  87. Amy on June 15th, 2007 7:21 am

    Although I always feel weird commenting on intensely personal entries like the ones you’ve been sharing lately, I do feel compelled to put a little preface in here that I’ve especially enjoyed your blog this week. I understand being turned off by the isolation of a full-time author, but lady, you have a way with words.

    I’m totally winging it, at this point. Before Jacob was born I had a very secure, pretty lucrative, enjoyable career with a clear advancement path. (I managed a computer security research project for a DoD contractor.) I loved my job, and agonized over how I would balance work and family life once our child came along. I had all of these horseshit super-mom dreams involving making VP by 45, lovingly baking for my children after they went to bed, etc. etc. etc. And then when Jacob was born, everything changed. I just couldn’t handle the thought of anyone taking care of my child(ren) except me. I had to work part-time for a couple of months while we set up our move to this new life. Jacob was with his *grandmother*, in our *home*, and I was still a basket case. So we moved, I quit my job (although now I do some small contracts for them), and my primary career for the next n years is “mother”.

    I get more fulfillment out of it than I expected, and overall I would say I love it. But I’m also very aware that to be good at this, truly good at it, I need something more. I need other interests, things to sink my intellectual teeth into, so that I don’t simply fall into living through my kids. And once they’re all in school (can you tell I want another? :), I’m going to need to do something else. I have NO idea what that will be, other than “not a computer security research manager”. Hopefully our financial situation will continue to make a salary a secondary concern–I’m toying with quirky portrait photographer, yarn shop owner, going back for a law degree, studying foreign languages…

    …yeah. To say that I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up is an understatement, I guess. :) Thanks for asking us all! I’ve loved reading your experience and all of the responses.

  88. Cavu on June 15th, 2007 7:30 am

    Even though you realize you have a cool job, it’s okay to want something that fulfills more of what you longing for out of your life and efforts. Wanting more does not mean you don’t appreciate your current situation. There is value to the kind of discomfort you’re feeling–it fuels progression into something that might be more right. Wanting to contribute make a difference through your work is a value I think more people should honor.

    I agree with what people have said about non-profits being often romanticized, but there are lots and lots of businesses that help the world that aren’t nonprofits–I do a job similar to what it sounds like you do, and I work in the medical industry. I feel like I help more people writing for medicine and surgical products than I did working for a literacy education nonprofit for half the pay, and it is an industry I fell into and ended up loving.

  89. Jenny on June 15th, 2007 7:36 am

    Before I had my daughter I worked at a somewhat cushy office job for a local branch to a huge mortgage company. The money was good, the perks were nice, the freedom to do pretty much what I wanted when I wanted was sweet . . . but at the end of the day I felt like something was lacking. I didn’t feel rewarded. I didn’t feel like I really did anything that meant anything. Ever. I figured after my daughter was born I would take off some time and eventually go back, but after taking care of a kid and at the end of the day feeling like I was being rewarded, I was doing SOMETHING, I knew I couldn’t go back. Stay at home mommy isn’t the path for me, so I’m back in school for the first time in almost 10 years. I’m learning again, with the actual desire to learn and it’s satisfying feeling like I am bettering myself. I don’t think I’m cut out for mundane office job, I feel like there’s more out there . . . for me. Some folks feel perfectly satisfied with what they do every day and find it rewarding to have their offie jobs.

  90. el-e-e on June 15th, 2007 7:38 am

    Wow, I’m not alone? Pretty amazing.

    I’m in a job I can stand, but never would have imagined for myself. I’d rather work part-time for the same company or just write full-time (I’d probably get most of my writing gigs from… the same company). But I just *cannot* decide. Or make the leap of faith.

    We’re trying for a 2nd curtain-climber, so I’m just praying that works out, and then I do plan pick one.

    As for career aspirations? They pretty much went out the window when my son was born. Why would I want to be a “success” corporately when I can aim to be a success at parenthood? If I make enough to help us pay the mortgage (and the Internet bill), AND have time with my hubby & kid(s), that is going to be enough success for me.

    Ideally I want to be a secretary at my son’s school (read: summers off), and write/edit on the side. I think that’ll work just fine. :)

  91. kj on June 15th, 2007 7:48 am

    So strange how you totally mellon-balled that little synopsis right out of my own personal “what do I want to be when I grow up” struggle.
    I think I’ve never honestly known what to expect of myself. I knew quite clearly what others expected of me and have successfully managed to live up to at least that. When it comes to what I want for me though, I get that empty-glass tinkling sound that reminds me to sit down and actually start thinking about it. You know, any day now.
    I’ve always lusted for another degree – me with my lousy little BA in liberal arts and being the LEAST educated little nugget in my entire living family tree – but I have a mortage now, and a fiancee (with his ever-advancing and hoity-toity PhD on the way) and a cat and gee whillikers why don’t I just settle into my matronly little HR position and just start, like, developing the REST of my personality for once?
    But still there’s that urge that begs me for more academia. And there’s that little nagging 1960’s feminist in my head that screams “you can do better than this, sister!”
    and so I scrunch my eyes closed and grab onto some gratitude for my current spoiled place in life and shake my head around until I stop thinking about it. doesn’t take much – I’m easily distracted these days. Oh look! Monkeys!

    anyway, I think (according to the 88 comments above me) this is a significant little neurosis that we’re all facing at the same time and just plumb not knowing HOW to feel about it.
    Kudos for giving us the venue to vent about it!

  92. el-e-e on June 15th, 2007 8:00 am

    I also really agreed with the commenter who said, “Forget wildly happy and personally fulfilled. Work is work sometimes.”

    It’s a job. It’s not everything, and I get intellectual/community fulfillment in other areas/activities.

  93. Barbara on June 15th, 2007 8:16 am

    I’ve been working in nonprofits for 10 years and I completely love it. It’s not for everyone. I’m well paid for what I do in a nonprofit – but you would probably make at least twice what I do in a for-profit. Aside from that – while we need people to work in nonprofits, we also need people who don’t who can be philanthropists, who can donate time, money and expertise to what we do. If you’re looking for a way to “give back” find a nonprofit whose mission you care about and call them up. Ask them to let you do whatever it is you want to do. Give them money. Believe me, we appreciate that! Find something that thrills you and work on their behalf. You can make a difference in the world without giving up everything that you love about your life. You can also email me if you want specific suggestions and/or “how do I do that” sort of conversation. I’ll happily direct you to a lovely nonprofit wherever you live. :)

  94. ang on June 15th, 2007 8:50 am

    Two words for you: insurance agent. If someone had told me at age 33 I’d be an insurance agent, I would’ve first exhaled my big hit from the bong(told you-eventually we can joke about our addictions) and then laughed maniacally. But, the money pays the mortgage, lets me save for the kid’s college, and gets the family to Mexico once in a while. Oh wait, that last one is my husband’s money. So I’m down for just mortgage and college.

  95. McWriter on June 15th, 2007 8:51 am

    I have known I wanted to be a writer since I was a little girl.

    So, I went to undergrad and double-majored in Communications and Philosophy, because, well, no one majored in writing at Boston College. So, I got my M.A. in Writing right away and upon graduation, I found myself amid many sub-par jobs working with OTHER PEOPLE’s writing. So, I went to Craigslist and started writing freelance on my OWN stuff … emphasis on the “free.”

    After doing that for a couple of years, I wound up with my dream job: writing ad copy for a national retailer – FASHION copy at that. Today, as I sit at my “dream job,” age 27, looking at the tattered back-to-school paper I wrote when I was 7 that reads, “I want to learn more about writing. I want to be a writer when I grow up,” I can’t help but laugh.

    I do enjoy what I do, for whom I do it, and with whom I work, but when friends and family ask how the (relatively) new job is going, I say, “It’s pretty good, but it’s not like I’m saving the world.”

    ‘ve got to give myself a break – I’ve worked hard to live my dream and maybe just saving my own little world is enough for now.

  96. Shannon on June 15th, 2007 9:05 am

    From 1997 – 2005, I had a well-paying job that I was very good at, with great benefits and one of the most generous vacation packages in the Puget Sound region. And I hated my work, oh lordy, how I hated my work. It was depressing and soul-sucking at times and made me even more cynical about humanity than I was before I started it. I used that job to save up money and buy a house, which I did. And then I asked myself, “Now what?”

    I figured there are three things about a job that are important: the pay, the work atmosphere/coworkers, and the work itself. If one of those is bad, I can deal with it. But if two of those are bad, it’s time to move on. Once the office atmosphere started going downhill, it took me a year before I made the Very Scary and Unpractical Decision to give my two week notice WITHOUT HAVING ANOTHER JOB LINED UP. So I did. I cashed out my retirement and took a 7-month “sabbatical” (ie. no one hired me during that time). It was the best 7 months of my life, despite my nail biting! I got engaged, planned a wedding, got married, adopted a kitten, and learned to cook. I relaxed and refocused. Eventually, I was hired at the U. W., which is where I wanted to be, doing fun work, with lots of potential to move around to different fields and heck, even get my Masters degree for free if I want!

  97. Jessica on June 15th, 2007 9:07 am

    I was having a lot of this “what am I doing with my life” angst around the time that both my sisters-in-law were expecting (2.5 yrs ago). Thankfully, I came to the realization that I didn’t need to have a baby in order to leave my job and find something else. But at the time, with the baby-crazed brain, that seemed like a really good option. Like others, I volunteer a lot, I’m also taking courses part time, and thank god for the Canadian social net – I’m currently on leave due to mental illness, I know if it wasn’t for that ability to take a break and reassess I’d be a lot more miserable now.

  98. Sadie on June 15th, 2007 9:10 am

    Your timing with this topic is uncanny…just the other night my boyfriend and I were discussing my career path, and how I should probably put some thought into it. He is a planner, an orchestrator – every move he makes is a chess move that gets him further ahead. I admire that and sometimes aspire to it, but other times I hate the thought and effort it requires.

    I went to college and had a general field in mind, but no real concrete career goal. I took a job in media because I wanted to stop waitressing, and worked my way up from an assistant to an account executive (read: I am now a salesperson). I am very well-paid relative to the amount of work I do, but the pressure is ceaseless and annoying: every quarter is another budget to hit, an initiative to sell – and you’re only as good as you’re performing right NOW. That said, there is a lot of potential for me, and my salary has allowed me to buy my own house at 26 and live a much more comfortable life than I had imagined for myself. DO I love my work? No. Am I helping people? Not really. Am I okay with that? For now.

  99. Tara on June 15th, 2007 9:48 am

    Boy, looks like you hit a nerve with this one. I have a relatively comfy, decently paid corporate job, but I also struggle with the meaninglessness of what I do. Okay, so I could find some meaning in it if I wanted to, but it’s sort of like that “six degrees of Kevin Bacon” thing–you can draw the connection between my job and doing something good for people, but by the time I’ve done all that rationalization, I could have made just about anything sound like it does good for somebody, and it all loses meaning.

    Anyway. I’d like to pursue something totally different, like becoming a nurse or a physician’s assistant, and REALLY helping people in a very direct way. But that takes at least 2-3 years of school, which means time & money that I don’t really have right now, with a 2-year-old at home and a mortgage to help pay for. But once the mortgage is paid off and the kid’s college education is saved (or well on its way), I might take the leap. I’ll only be in my mid-40’s then–that’s not too late. And I want my son to see that it’s never too late to try to find your happiness.

    Gah. Got a bit syrupy there, but I think you know what I mean.

  100. Melissa H. on June 15th, 2007 9:50 am

    I just gotta pop in and say that reading these comments (and of course Sundry’s post) has made my day. I started out as a marine biologist (no, I didn’t play with the dolphins, and yes, I always got asked that a lot). Did the whole grad school thing and everything. I spent most of 2004 underwater (scuba diving), got to travel to cool places for free, etc. etc. It was FANTASTIC. But then I graduated and spent almost 6 months unemployed because science jobs are freaking hard to come by (amen to Cat’s comment a little further up the page). The job I did land made me more miserable than I’ve ever been in my life. I thought I was meant to be a scientist, but I just couldn’t make it work. It was unbelievably frustrating.

    The hardest thing about this whole phase of life was letting go of my “dream” and even just considering a another career. To make a long story short, I fell into an IT job, and I’ve not once looked back. It’s such a good fit that I laugh at myself for not taking a chance on a new career sooner.

    By the way, Sundry, your blog rocks my face off.

  101. Alyce on June 15th, 2007 10:21 am

    I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up, so I can’t measure whether or not I have achieved it or fallen short. I think I always had this sense that I would be awesome (because my parents told me I could be and do anything I want). I took it a little too much to heart.

    So now I am in Job. It is so far below my skill level and ability, it’s laughable. But at the end of the day I don’t think about it at all. I no longer lay awake thinking about all of my undone tasks. And that’s a blessing. Because no matter what job I’ve had, I’ve always got more work than can be accomplished in an 8 hour day (my blog reading compulsion aside).

    If anyone has advice about how to decide what you want to be when you grow up, please share it here.

  102. Becky on June 15th, 2007 11:27 am

    So after 10 years of college…which includes undergrad and grad school….3 degrees later…I have a JOB that is NOT related to a single degree. Oh well…it pays the bills….

    As for career path….I plan on playing it by ear….so far it’s worked well…

  103. breckgirl on June 15th, 2007 12:50 pm

    Have you (or any of your other commenters who love to write) every considered copy writing? I, too, love to write (am a lawyer by day) and started looking into the whole copy writing thing. I got two books – one of them is “Start and Run a Copywriting Business” and the other was like, the bible of copywriting, but I can’t recall the title or the guy’s name. Look up copy writing on Amazon. ANYWAY – it is a very appealing profession and there appears to be a lot of work out there if you’re willing to put yourself out there.

    I used to make lots of money as a lawyer in Portland, then as a HR Mgr in Portland and California. Then I got pregnant and moved to Montana and didn’t know what to do with my life. I even worked as a barista for awhile – the novelty wore off pretty quickly, especially since I was 7 months pregnant. Now I am a lawyer again but uh – the money thing is very different here. The cool thing is – I am okay with that. I used to let my job define me – it meant I was “smart” and “successful” and a “high potential” – I worked late, put work before my husband and my house, and even my own health. Now, I put my husband and child before work. I have a great boss that I love and I enjoy my work, but it is no longer the measuring stick of whether I am a success or if I am “happy.” Sure, we would like to have more money (especially to pay off the $200K in student loans my husband and I accumulated) but the trade offs (beautiful views, nice people, safety and security, good schools) are worth the emptiness of the savings account and eventually – things will improve for us financially. In the meantime, I choose to enjoy being a mom and wife over and above being a lawyer.

    I hope you find something that fulfills you. Check out the copy writing thing. I’m sure you’d be great at it.

  104. sooboo on June 15th, 2007 1:39 pm

    I make art all day and I love it! It has always been my goal all my working life to not have a job, and for the last two years, I have been doing just that. However, the money is (stereotypically) not so good. I have been winging it for a while, but now I am attempting to take a more proactive approach. By this I mean setting goals, then listing the steps to meet them, visualizing, etc… I don’t have a kid. I don’t think I could be doing this if I did. I work an average of 60 hours a week. But it (mostly) doesn’t feel like work.

  105. Amanda on June 15th, 2007 1:51 pm

    I have yet to find a job that would actually let me leave work in time to pick up my son from daycare. Or when I find one, then it doesn’t pay enough to cover daycare. I worked in Advertising before I had a child, and constantly struggle with the fact that I have a degree and was on a career path and now I’m changing diapers and going to the zoo.

    But then again, I get to go to the zoo.

    I mostly try very very hard not to define myself by my job. I’m not an Ad exec, and I’m not a super mommy. I do what I do, and I have fun.

  106. Janet on June 15th, 2007 4:29 pm

    For me it’s been a longish path to being a speech therapist but now I’m here, I love it! I went to a 2 year college and then didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up so I ended up working as an admin asst to two partners in a CPA firm. OMG, I hated it so much…I hate math and I don’t care if I’m .06 off when balancing someone’s books. I actually got reprimanded for talking too much and having a loud voice. I did that for four years and then met someone who was a speech therapist. I thought, Perfect, a job where I can talk all damn day!! So, I quit and went to four more years of college.

    I have always loved the job but have moved from school district to district before my most recent position of 3 years with the 2nd largest secondary district in the nation. I found my passion in working with autistic students and am now on the district’s autism team. Love, love, love it. This fall I’m going to start a program to get my administrative credential which will allow me to move into management if I decide to pursue that path.

    And, today is my first day of 3 weeks off for summer:)

  107. Katie (The Yap) on June 15th, 2007 6:28 pm

    I thought I was the only one who obsessed over this issue, but apparently it is universal. I am so so envious of people who have a clear career/life goal and then go for it. Because, I feel like I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up and it SUCKS. That stupid little voice in my head telling me that I am supposed to be DOING SOMETHING MEANINGFUL. Why can’t I just be a slacker who is cool with laying around??

  108. Katie (The Yap) on June 15th, 2007 6:34 pm

    Oh, and one more thing: I think you should WRITE YOUR BOOK(s) already! Maybe THAT will be your new career!

  109. Allison on June 15th, 2007 8:06 pm

    Heh. I thought I would save the world and the environment in the public or non profit sector. That lasted 5 years and I started an internet business totally unrelated to anything I did with my education or previous work experience. And I thank the gods (So say we all) every day that I had the guts to do it. Now I can stay home with my soon-to-be born son, something I could never have done a few years ago.

  110. Meg on June 16th, 2007 3:52 am

    I’ve thought for years that if I volunteered, and went to school, and got a degree, that I would get hired as a zookeeper. Well, everything worked out except for that last step! Which, is sort of the important one. And now I’m very confused! I’ve always been great with animals, but more recently found out I’m good with kids too (and enjoy working with them). So next week I start my new job as an assistant teacher, and I guess that will tell me if education is the right field for me.

    But I spent SO long convinced that I should be a zookeeper that I really don’t want to let go of that yet, and may still pursue it after doing this job for a little while. I like animal care so much, but zookeeping is so very competitive. There are more people who want to work in zoos than there are positions available. I applied for jobs across the country for a year, and never got hired, and feel very disheartened by that.

    I suddenly started realizing that maybe there is no “dream job,” that maybe there is just the hope for work that doesn’t drive you apeshit, work you can mostly feel good about. I want a job I like. But I also want a job that feels right, that fits who I am. I’m hoping that’s possible.

    So I’m really just feeling things out, and seeing where it leads me. I also have notions of starting my own petsitting business in the back of my mind. Time will tell!

  111. Erin on June 16th, 2007 8:37 am

    Linda, it’s a great question. We spend so much of our lives at Work, it seems like it would be worthwhile for it to be something we care about.

    Right now, I am in an ultimately lucky position of doing what I love and getting paid for it. But there’s definitely a trade off. I’m a state wildlife biologist, and I get paid on state wages, which are not at all competitive. And, even though I love my job about 80% of the time, the other 20% is still filled with bull$-it and headaches and conflict, and all those other things that can make anyone’s work ugly and unsatisfying.

    Providing for your family is also very satisfying, and if that’s the most significant reward you get from your job, then that’s nothing to shrug at either.

  112. tanya on June 16th, 2007 9:11 am

    You know Sundry, this may sound … I don’t know. Smug? Cliche? Not sure. But I kept getting fired from job after job until I started doing something I loved, which in my case is massage and bodywork. It does truly fulfill me and I look forward to almost every day and feel like I’m making a difference, not just in people’s lives, but in the world, since one person feeling better and in less pain is nice and inspirational to others. Pollyanna-ish? Maybe. But that’s how I feel. What do you love? I know here on this blog you have been very inspirational to people. That’s about all I have to say.

  113. Gentry on June 16th, 2007 2:15 pm

    The key to career satisfaction has little to do with your field or position. It’s all about working hours/pay. Ridiculously high paying jobs that require very little time out of your life are the only kind of jobs that could possibly provide satisfaction.

    On paper, I have the ultimate dream job. I **have** to befriend celebrities, editors, go to swanky cocktail parties and cultivate a cult following. My daily duties: shopping, buying silk, making things out of expensive French lace (and then wearing them). Unless I feel like sleeping in, because I’m my own boss.

    Do I love it? Fuck no. The pay is crap compared to how much I work. The stress from the responsiblity is paralyzing and the pace is beyond exhausting.

    But no one will pay me to do my ultimate dream job (professional bunny petter).

    So I keep chugging through, missing so much of life because I’m chained to the sketch board, wishing I wasn’t too old to be a trophy wife.

    My one consolation is that if I don’t fuck up, I should be able to sell this company and take a few years off before I start up again. But even that prospect is daunting.

  114. Samantha on June 16th, 2007 5:04 pm

    If I think back three or four years, I am now where I wanted to be; I completed two years of college and a degree in early childhood education with a specialization in early intervention for children with special needs. I am teaching at one of the best preschools in our city. Great job, love my co-workers, love the kids, excellent paid time off, but I make fifty cents above minimum wage, which means that my check covers our rent, and that is it.

    My heart is leading me to become a doula. My best friend is already in that field, and wants me to follow her so we can start our own business, which is something I never would have thought I could accomplish! As a doula, I could make between four hundred and one thousand dollars per birth. But there is also the satisfaction of doing something so meaningful.

    So, a career change is coming up for me as soon as my contract for the 2007-2008 school year is completed.

    I am looking forward to this new chapter. I think it will bring more harmony to me and my family, and will definitely enable us to do more than just cut it financially.

    Good luck to you! I hope you can find peace with what you are doing, ad decide to take a leap of faith, and change directions.

  115. Anonymous on June 17th, 2007 1:39 am

    I am a nurse and 26 years old. I’ve been working in a hospital for a year now. I do feel that I am doing something meaningful. I have a lot of hobbies and would like to pursue other passions (painting) but this job will help support that. I think I made a good choice, even though right now I am mid-RN school, I want to *really* run and scream sometimes. The thing is, I am content with my job. I really can’t complain.

  116. frannie on June 17th, 2007 1:39 am

    I am a nurse and 26 years old. I’ve been working in a hospital for a year now. I do feel that I am doing something meaningful. I have a lot of hobbies and would like to pursue other passions (painting) but this job will help support that. I think I made a good choice, even though right now I am mid-RN school, I want to *really* run and scream sometimes. The thing is, I am content with my job. I really can’t complain.

  117. Belle on June 17th, 2007 6:57 am

    Unlike most of you, I am getting near “when will you retire?”age. I have had two jobs since I was 22, the first one for 15 years, and now this one for the past almost-20. I did not finish college. I am from that generation of women who thought we could – and should – do everything we wanted to and have.it.all. I loved loved my first job and worked myself up to one of the top jobs, which one could do back then just by working hard. And then I realized those 60+ hours I was working – albeit doing something I loved and was good at – was NOT in the best interest of my family so I quit. We about went belly up for awhile but at least I was able to see my kids grow up and it was totally worth it.

    My current job is great for benefits altho I am one of those who does a lot more than others but for much lower pay. I know I’m smarter or at least as smart as others I work for, and I’m not bragging when I say I keep the office and staff on the right track and running properly. You know….the ole lady who runs the office. I’m not about to leave now and blow off all the retirement bennies, but it is NOT where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I have, for the most part, been able to leave work at work and that’s what I wanted. Did I make a difference in the world? Probably not, but making the choice of fewer work responsibilities made a huge difference in my family life. Huge.

  118. Christy on June 19th, 2007 7:15 am

    I work with a husband and wife team, micromanaged and am lonely at work. I think I just want to not work…..enough said!! :)

  119. fellowmom on June 19th, 2007 9:24 am

    I am in a similar place. My present job is objectively lovely, and others with similar training have told me I “suck” for scoring it. It is, however, temporary and will be ending-after 5 years-in several months. It’s not the kind of job you retire from, and that’s not necessarily the most important factor, but I’d like to put down some career roots at this point in my life. Also, I do want to feel more passionate or at least inspired by my next job. I could try to extend my present situation, and I may regret forgoing that chance. By this time next year, I hope I am not wishing I had understood the value of a mellow and comfortable workplace–not to mention employed.

  120. MRW on June 19th, 2007 1:37 pm

    I’m 37 and on my third career. I worked as a paralegal for awhile, hated it. I went to law school and racked up a ridiculous amount of student loans only to discover I really didn’t like practicing law. I got lucky and stumbled into the same kind of legal job I do now – only research and writing. I have always enjoyed that aspect of the law so it was fine. But then I got to thinking maybe there was something else I’d rather do – wouldn’t I like to tackle the corporate world and “make something of myself?” So I went back to school and got my CPA. Worked as a CPA for a couple of years and really liked the people I worked with but could not stand the insane hours several times a year, not seeing my child all day and night, chargeable hour goals, and I didn’t like the work that much either. So, I returned to the legal job – I clerk for a judge. I like: (1) my hours are almost always only 8-5 M-F, (2) my co-workers are easy to work with, (3) I work in many different areas of the law, and (4) it’s all research and writing, to me like a treasure hunt or puzzle. However, sometimes it’s hard to work for only one person, I could make more in the private sector, and although my skills could translate to private practice, in actuality, most firms will not hire someone who has been clerking as long as I have. So, my job future and security depends entirely on the judge I work for. Still, most days I like my job. Of course what I really want is to win the lottery and literally not have do ever do anything I don’t want to do again.

  121. sophielovespeanutbutter on June 20th, 2007 11:34 am

    I am working a long term temp job at present. I basically became a professional Administrative Assistant/Receptionist/Office Coordinator after college by accident. Not my lifes work, by any stretch. I am reading “Refuse to Choose” by Barbara Sher. Very interesting book about personality types that she has dubbed Scanners. People who are talented in lots of different ways and don’t want to choose just one thing to be when they ‘grow up’. It is inspiring and I am hoping it will be one of the bits and pieces that help me figure out what things I want to do for a living! :)

  122. Kerri on June 21st, 2007 7:53 am

    Sometimes job-related angst has more to do with something going on inside ourselves than the job itself. Having read your blog for some time, I really can’t imagine a better job description for you. You get to be creative, work a flexible schedule, and cooperate with honest, fun people.

    Before even thinking about moving on, I would do some serious introspection (with an “I”) and see whether there isn’t some other tension inside of you that’s looking for an outlet. It’s kind of similar to a man going through a mid-life crisis and deciding to get a divorce. Usually the problem has nothing to do with his wife, but she’s the target because he’s generally unhappy and she’s closest to him.

    There are lots of other things you can do considering your flexible schedule. When Riley and any future kids are in school, you can use that time to write a book, learn to paint, volunteer, etc.

    In fact, you might feel a little more satisfied with your job now if you were doing some volunteering.

    So I guess my advice is look before you leap, because most people would kill for a job description like yours.

  123. pippa on June 27th, 2007 1:35 pm

    What Kerri said. Because girl, I would trade with you in a SECOND. I get so tired \of writing on the same old crap in my jammies while changing diapers. A part-time gig where I could ress like a grown-up and wear maek-up and talk to adults AND be writing the same old shit? GOLD, man, GOLD!

    I’ll trade you a kid for your job. What kind you want? I got boys… girls…

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