July 15, 2007

It seems like for all the positive things I heard about having children (joyous, wonderful, can be taught amusing curse words), nobody bothered to mention that once you give birth, you will never have another relaxing weekend again. Remember doing whatever the hell you wanted to do with your 48 luxurious hours off from work, like sleeping in? Or reading a book for more than five minutes at a time? Yeah, forget that noise. This is Life 2.0, where the only person who gets to do what they want to do is the same person whose presence ensures you never get to do what you want to do. (Hint: this person is very short, and often can be found pooping their pants.)

It’s been a nonstop, extremely vigorous weekend of Toddler Summer Entertainment; we’ve shlepped Riley from the farm to the zoo to a bunch of playgrounds to our backyard and we’ve played in pools and fountains and jungle gyms and between all that and the eight hundred thousand million sippy cup refills and Riley’s increasingly delayed bedtimes (WHY GOD WHY) I am relieved as hell that it’s over and all this festivity can come to an end. Truly, I need a day of boring emails and pointless meetings to recharge my parenting battery. Thank god for Mondays (something I never thought I’d say, along with “Hold still while I get that booger”).

I thought I’d share some pictures of the zoo we visited on Saturday, because it was so . . . well, let’s take a look:

The benefits of this zoo is that it’s small, no one goes there (easy parking), and it’s a short drive from our house. The downside is that aside from a lot of tropical birds, some lemurs, and reindeer, there’s not much to the place.

Although there was this giant metal bear.

And there were these . . . what the fuck are these? My god, with their serpentine necks and freakishly deformed heads and — oh, wait. Alpacas. Okayyyy.

I would have photographed the emus but the sign made me crap my pants.

In order to shelter Riley from the alpacas and emus, we took him to the Creepy Garden of Metal Animals.

Which, I think, nicely prepared him for this.

Yes, if you haven’t quite gotten your fill of exotic animal life at the zoo, just mosey over to the little room near the entrance for a REAL TREAT.

Note Riley’s childish innocence peeling away in visible waves.

On our way out, I caught sight of this thing and almost called JB to bring Riley over — thinking, gosh, we talk about monkeys a lot, and I bet he’s never seen a real one, and . . .

And then I took a closer look, and we left the zoo. And I haven’t been able to watch “Curious George” since.


50 Responses to “Recovering from the monkey”

  1. arwen on July 15th, 2007 11:53 pm

    what a horrible little zoo.

  2. Tammy on July 15th, 2007 11:53 pm

    This is probably something that I am not supposed to say, but I can’t help it. My kids are now 15 and 12 and I still haven’t had a relaxing weekend since they were born.
    Speaking of emus; I have seen some up close and they definitely deserve the warning sign, and then some.
    Curious George, I knew we were over that part of my childrens’ lives when my daughter looked at me and asked, “Why does the man with the yellow hat keep leaving George alone?”

  3. hello insomnia on July 16th, 2007 12:15 am

    You *had* to zoom in.

  4. Sara on July 16th, 2007 12:20 am

    That is a scary ass zoo. And the…primate? My daughter would be scarred for life (she hasn’t been the same since we saw a male horse peeing.)

  5. Brad on July 16th, 2007 1:12 am

    Those are freshly shaved alpacas. Normally they are fluffy and cuddly because they are bred for fur production like sheep.

  6. thejunebug on July 16th, 2007 1:44 am

    AHAHAHAHA!!! Too great! Reminds me of some of the taxonomy “zoos” they have in Southern Utah or Northern AZ/NM. Hilarious.

    That monkey is totally saying, “How YOU doin’?” Hee!

  7. anna on July 16th, 2007 3:30 am

    Nevermind the zoo, look at those pins on ya girl! They are awesome!

  8. Eric's Mommy on July 16th, 2007 4:14 am

    I work with monkeys so I got a REALLY good laugh at those pictures, come on did they really have to give him a semi erect penis? Normally the things are sucked inside so you don’t see them!

    Over the weekend I did A LOT of shopping with my husband’s cousin’s wife and one of the things I bought was a big doll of “The Thing” from the Fantastic 4 for my son. I got a good laugh from that because I bring it home and take it out of the box and I’m looking at it and noticed they gave him a really big “package” there are even stretch marks on the front of his pants, like it’s so big his pants can’t contain it. Come on is that really nessecary! It was very funny though.

  9. justmouse on July 16th, 2007 5:05 am

    thank you. no monday morning is complete without semi erect MONKEY PENIS!


    oh, and sorry to say, but Tammy is right. my son is almost 16 and STILL, time alone? nuh uh. i pretty much have to lock myself in the bathroom and make up elaborte stories about ‘women problems’ or ‘tummy troubles’ (using words like explosive diarrhea) in order to get some peace and quiet. but, at least mines tall enough to get things off the high shelf for mommy, and doesn’t poop his pants anymore.

  10. billybob on July 16th, 2007 5:24 am

    Did you even stay for the Tigers!!!

  11. jonniker on July 16th, 2007 5:27 am

    Mmmm … alpaca yarn. Also, I was standing in a pen with an emu once (I grew up working on farms) and the owner announced that it could “eviscerate me” if it got angry, but really, I was likely fine, as she was pretty mild-mannered. Just don’t make any fast moves! HAHAHAHAHAHA.

  12. robin on July 16th, 2007 5:35 am

    Okay, that goes perfectly with my morning coffee. EW.

    That is a freaking bizarre zoo. What kind of zoo has metal and stuffed animals. Twilight zone kinda zoo there.

  13. Christine on July 16th, 2007 5:38 am

    Oh so funny! And how cute is Riley with his baby sunglasses? Too cute.

    You guys should find a nice teenage girl in the neighborhood so you can hoist the son on her while you go out for a movie or dinner. I’m pretty sure it is the only way to make it through.

  14. Tessie on July 16th, 2007 6:05 am

    OK, that emu sign is SO my new nameplate at work:

    Tessie Lastname, CPA

  15. JennB on July 16th, 2007 6:17 am

    That is about the strangest zoo (if zoo is defined by taxidermied animals, not live ones) that I’ve ever seen.

    We went to Boston and took P to the aquarium. She was fascinated by the penguins (and the people scrubbing the penguin shit off their rocks) and also by the giant sea turtle that swims around and around in the giant tank. Then the turtle swam past us and dropped a deuce (which, in case you’re interested, is like pea-green clouds with little bits of “solid” floating in it) right in front of us. RIGHT IN FRONT. Separated only by glass!
    Then, a puffer fish came by and swam thorugh it and ate some.

    It may not be a semi-erect monkey dick, but it was something you don’t see too often. maybe because you would never want to see it!

  16. Kaire on July 16th, 2007 6:20 am

    “See what happens when the animals are bad Riley?”

    monkey penis … *giggling*

  17. Cavu on July 16th, 2007 6:32 am

    And at first I thought the most disturbing thing about your post was picturing an emu STABBING children, like, wielding a sword or a switchblade. Then, I got to the monkey and his outstretched arms–at perfect toddler height, of course, as if to say “Come here little boy, give the furry monkey a nice long huuuug.”
    Ew. Ew. Ew.

  18. Jennifer on July 16th, 2007 6:38 am

    Monkey penis…quagmire says…”giggity giggity where is his lady monkey?” I think I’m awake now. That was disturbing.

  19. Ang on July 16th, 2007 6:45 am


  20. Lisa V on July 16th, 2007 7:15 am

    Oh my god. It’s bad enough that you see the monkeys playing with their junk all the time, but to see one with a life time supply of Cialis, gross. Just gross. They couldn’t make him a statue with pants? Or maybe a nice littel thong? Thank god they didn’t do the same thing to the walrus.

    When my thirteen year old was in kindergarten, her class went to the zoo. The zebras were going at a little afternoon delight. When they disengaged, everyone noticed that the male zebra was endowed like Ron Jeremy, including my child, who said, “Daddy’s penis is much smaller than that.”

  21. Jo on July 16th, 2007 7:17 am

    Cute dress. Weird zoo.

  22. Lisa V on July 16th, 2007 7:17 am

    Oh shit, the spelling errors in the previous post. It’s early. I haven’t had coffee.

  23. Rachel on July 16th, 2007 7:35 am

    and they call it monkey love………..

  24. warcrygirl on July 16th, 2007 8:08 am

    Aw look, he’s happy to see you!

  25. wilddreemer on July 16th, 2007 8:33 am

    that monkey is going to haunt my dreams. i am jealous your child will wear sun glasses!

  26. Pam on July 16th, 2007 8:52 am

    Um, ewww.

  27. victoria on July 16th, 2007 9:55 am

    Oooh. Scary and depressing. On a different note, one of the first online diaries I ever started reading was TranceJen’s, back when she was on Diaryland and didn’t know if she had MS. Now I can’t find her anywhere on the Internet. Linda do you know what became of her?

  28. Sundry on July 16th, 2007 10:28 am

    Here you go, Victoria: http://trancejen.pointlessbanter.net/

  29. victoria on July 16th, 2007 10:48 am

    Oh, sorry, I jut left a “thank you” on the wrong blog entry. Let me repeate it here” thank you! ALso thank you for your generally fabulous, inspirational blog.

  30. Eric's Mommy on July 16th, 2007 11:20 am

    OK I cannot get over this monkey penis thing………can you imagine the person who had to make it!

  31. Taste Like Crazy on July 16th, 2007 11:24 am

    Thanks for the closeup. I do believe that image has been burned into my brain.


  32. Anonymous on July 16th, 2007 11:46 am

    Let’s just go ahead and declare it **Monkey Penis Monday**…

    I always think there must be something wrong with me that I am in my thirties and have no desire to have children. Thank you for reminding me to appreciate my do-whatever-the-hell-I-want weekends. I feel a little less like a freak who’s missing the boat now.

  33. Katie on July 16th, 2007 11:56 am

    The zoo is weird. But look at the mountains! I live in very flat Indiana, and would kill for a even a hill.

  34. Mrs. Breedorf on July 16th, 2007 12:16 pm

    I snorted with laughter several times while reading this entry but what really gets me is how “Stab” is distinct and separate from “Peck” thus making it sound like it involves a knife.

  35. Shannon on July 16th, 2007 12:50 pm

    Such a cute dress you are wearing!! Where did you get it? Was it here in Seattle somewhere or online?

  36. Amber on July 16th, 2007 2:48 pm

    Okay, someone said Cialis, and it reminded me of this pen I saw…Pens at hospitals are always promoting prescription drugs of some kind, and my co-worker brought one to work the other day (a male co-worker, no less) that had ‘Levitra’ written on it in fancy scrawl, and as I was trying to remember what the hell Levitra is for, he got a big, shit-eating grin and…POING. The pen, the end of the pen, instead of clicking out…it SNAPS UP. So instead of being full-length, the pen is like…a deflated penis. And then, when you need to use it, POING.

    Anyway, I was frozen in shock for a second, wondering WHAT KIND of GENIUS came up with the idea…and then I laughed so hard I nearly peed my pants.

    Anyway, sorry, that doesn’t have much to do with your blog today. Freaky zoo, freakier monkey. Best that you left for Riley’s mental stability and all.

  37. ShannonJ on July 16th, 2007 3:07 pm

    This was the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. Much needed today – thanks!!

  38. Jennifer on July 16th, 2007 3:36 pm

    Monkey penis! ewwww! Thanks, (NOT!) for sharing! LOL!

  39. LauraH on July 16th, 2007 5:37 pm

    I hope I can sleep tonight.

    Just the other day I leaned over to my husband and said,”Just think, if it wasn’t for our little miracle (our son is 8 years younger than his sister), we’d have our weekends to ourselves again.” I am a little cruel like that.

  40. Mary O on July 16th, 2007 6:27 pm

    Oh, my. Now we all have to recover from the monkey!

    P.S. What a cute dress!

  41. Alex on July 16th, 2007 7:23 pm

    This entry had me *rolling*. Good stuff.

  42. andrea on July 16th, 2007 8:35 pm

    I will be forever changed by the monkey junk. Who’s idea was it to freeze him like that?

    We just returned from a whirlwind weekend in Portland with my 11 month old. I was reminded that a relaxing weekend away will never again be referred to as relaxing.

  43. Leslie on July 17th, 2007 7:27 am

    Anyone who needs/wants a visual for the pen Amber mentioned can see a video of it here:


  44. Melanie on July 17th, 2007 3:32 pm

    Oh my god, the monkey penis. That’s bad. The worst part is that somebody had to handle that to stuff it. A lot of handling. “Hmmmm, the bottom looks a little flat – he is a HAPPY monkey, after all, wink wink – his pink thing’s out. I’ll have to make that bigger.” Stuff, stuff.

  45. Samantha jo campen on July 17th, 2007 4:24 pm

    Shut UP! That is NOT a real monkey penis at a zoo! I refuse to accept that!

    Lalalalalalalalalalalala no monkey penis lalalalalalalalalalalala!

  46. Simon on July 18th, 2007 9:24 pm

    Looks like mine! But it’s big!

  47. breckgirl on July 19th, 2007 12:53 pm

    Alpacas are pretty weird animals and those happen to look extremely bizarre because they had just been shaved, apparently. The only reason I know about alpacas is because growing up my parents had this gigantic alpaca bedspread (it was the 70’s, man) and after school when nobody was home I would go and roll around on it naked. It was so soft… Anyway – I’m sure you didn’t really need to know that but I wanted to assure you that Alpacas are generally very furry and soft animals but unfortunately, they are also prone to spitting – like their nasty cousins, the llamas. That zoo totally sucks. I can’t say anything about that monkey penis – I am still in shock and, as someone mentioned above, thinking about the taxidermist who thought “hey, let’s put a lifelike pink lipstick penis thing on this stuffed monkey!!!” GROSS!

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  49. Alex V. on March 27th, 2009 1:01 pm

    I love the monkeie’s penis thing. it’s awsome!!!!!!!

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