October 9, 2007

Last night I tried to wheedle JB into going to the store for me. “Mmmph,” he said discouragingly. “What do you want?”

“Some swiss cheese, the super-thinly deli sliced kind because if it’s really thin then swiss cheese is tangy and awesome but if it’s thick-cut it smells like feet, you know? I also want some dill pickles but they have to be spears, not the full pickles or the half-cut pickles or those godawful poker-chip-sized slices, spears. Oh and a frozen carrot cake. A Mrs. Smith brand carrot cake,” I answered.

He just shook his head. “No,” he said, then in anticipation of what I was going to say: “Not even if you Google Image those things, no.”

Who are these husbands running to the store at all hours to get their wives whatever their craving belly desires? Must only happen with first pregnancies.

:::

JB, by the way, is the sort of person who will randomly decide that what you need in your house is a video intercom for the front door, because that way you can see who is knocking at your door before you choose to answer it.

He is also the type of person who, during the installation process of said intercom, will ask you to test the screen from the inside, and when you press the button to activate the video, you will be confronted with a disturbing, grainy closeup view of his personal genitals.

“No thanks,” you’ll say into the speaker. “Not interested. Maybe if you’d bought me my goddamned carrot cake.”

:::

The other day a coworker of mine said (out of the blue), “I see you’re still wearing heels.”

“Yes,” I said, then feeling that my response had been inadequate, followed up with, “I’m not too uncomfortable yet, so they don’t bother me.”

“Hmmm,” he said. “I wouldn’t think you’d have to be very uncomfortable to give up heels.”

I’m still wondering who acted weirder in that conversation. Me, for randomly blurting something about pregnancy discomfort or whatever it was, or him for vaguely criticizing my shoe choice?

:::

Two days until our Tofino vacation! If you don’t hear from me for a little while, it is because I am off living the child-free lifestyle, all wild and crazy and sleeping in until 7:45.

Comments

39 Responses to “Ramble”

  1. Jennifer on October 9th, 2007 2:40 pm

    Have a blast in Tofino! Dress warmly! Eat Nanaimo bars and I’m positive there must be carrot cakes up there too.

  2. Amy M. on October 9th, 2007 2:46 pm

    I’d get you some carrot cake if I lived remotely near you. And, not to brag or anything, but my hubby went out & got me a burger & malt at 9 pm when I was pregnant. I don’t really eat red meat, but I NEEDED a burger! I may also have threatened to sit on said hubby, so maybe it’s less impressive.

    Have fun on your trip, but your witty posts will be missed!

  3. Rumblelizard on October 9th, 2007 2:48 pm

    You work in a company that could be classified as Nerdvana, correct? As I understand it, many nerds are somewhat lacking in social graces. He probably was really confused about why anyone would put up with the discomfort of wearing heels, because *he* would certainly never wear heels. Most non-nerds might *think* something like that, but would know it’s somewhat to quiz someone about their shoe choices. (Unless it’s something along the lines of “Oooh I love those, where did you get them?!”) Your conversation does have all the earmarks of Nerdish Social Malfunction. :) They’re kind of cute, though, aren’t they?

  4. Rumblelizard on October 9th, 2007 2:49 pm

    somewhat rude* – missed a word!

  5. Jen on October 9th, 2007 2:50 pm

    I am about 8 months preggo and still wear heels. The other preggo girls in my office look at me like I’m a bit crazed. If I had to stand up- AT ALL- during the day my shoe choice might be different!

    Have fun on vacay!

  6. anonymous on October 9th, 2007 3:05 pm

    you crack me up!!!

  7. wilddreemer on October 9th, 2007 3:10 pm

    so wait! i’m not the only wife who google images pictures for my hubs to take to the store? and now i want pickles wrapped in swiss dunked in mustard. thanks. i only have the mustard here

  8. mandy on October 9th, 2007 3:12 pm

    I was confused when my husband also refused to run to the store for me -ever. Either pregnancy. I thought that is what men did. They plant their spawns and then feed the host. Guess not.

  9. hello insomnia on October 9th, 2007 3:22 pm

    I wore heels until my feet were too fat. I say boo to the shoe hater.

  10. Shannon on October 9th, 2007 3:26 pm

    I think my husband would do the same exact thing. No thanks is so the truth.

  11. Josh on October 9th, 2007 3:31 pm

    Mandy – That’s the funniest explanation of pregnancy ever! I for real guffawed. Cause that is what we do, or at least should do.

    Sundry, I’m sorry you didn’t get your rediculous craving demands. But I have been sent out looking for retardedly obscure item from the store before, and I always forget what I’m looking for before I get to the store. And if I have a list I usually can’t find the item and settle on something similar, like sane people tend to do. So I feel JB’s pain on this one. In fact I’ve taken a late night trip for weird craving supplies, been incapable of finding the exact specs for the list, picked something reasonably close in content, and then been bitched out upon returning, and fuck all that shit. I’d rather not go too.

    Of course I haven’t had the Google image thing pulled on me yet. That’s a really good idea, and really bad news for men at the same time.

    And I can’t believe you fell for the weiner on TV trick! Priceless. Some pranks are just classics. Kudo’s to JB. That was awesome.

    And I can totally see why I would look for excuses to get rid of heels if I were a chick. But then y’all will purposely squeeze yourselves into the most cruel and unusual foot lockers if you think you look cute in them, heinous pain be damned. Whatever gets you off.

  12. Jennie on October 9th, 2007 3:32 pm

    Your husband sounds–if nothing else–like he’s got a really cool sense of humor. Okay, so maybe more so to people he’s not denying pickle spears to.

    Have fun! Enjoy!

  13. stephanie brown on October 9th, 2007 3:37 pm

    i didnt read everyone elses’ comments, but i just wanted to point out that you wont be 100% child free since you have a half of one in your tum-tum :) enjoy your time!

  14. sundry on October 9th, 2007 3:48 pm

    Stephanie: true, but at least this one is blessedly silent, even if he is already being kind of a pain in the ass (or bladder, specifically. Note to fetus: PLEASE TO BE KICKING SOMETHING ELSE).

  15. Melissa on October 9th, 2007 4:04 pm

    Have fun in Tofino!
    My husband didn’t even go out to get me anything with my first pregnancy except when he wanted ice cream once and said, maybe I should go get you and the baby some Ben and Jerry’s. I certainly wasn’t going to turn him down.

  16. biscuit on October 9th, 2007 4:17 pm

    I am pregnant with my 1st + does my husband go fetch things for me? No, he does not. Not during day or night. I don’t know who has husbands like that, but you can find mine playing Xbox while I meander around the house craving whatever does not reside in the kitchen.

    JB sounds hilarious! I love how he tested out his new doorbell toy with his peen! AHAHAHAHAHA!

  17. Eric's Mommy on October 9th, 2007 4:26 pm

    Have a wonderful time in Tofino!!

    I almost died laughing over the genitals on the video intercom because my husband would do the exact same thing!

  18. Super Sarah on October 9th, 2007 4:58 pm

    Snort!

  19. samantha jo campen on October 9th, 2007 5:01 pm

    You and JB crack me up.

    In our house though, I gotta admit, it would be the other way around :-)

  20. Swistle on October 9th, 2007 5:26 pm

    Maybe the co-worker was trying to express some sort of…empathy for pregnant women? It is really hard to say.

    JB stories are so awesome.

    My husband was never a big “running out to the store” guy, either. I had assumed it came with the territory, but no.

  21. Taryn on October 9th, 2007 5:29 pm

    i think your coworker just was expressing his idea that pregnancy would be a good excuse to not wear heels at all. it didn’t cross his mind that you might enjoy wearing heels and that they might not actually be uncomfortable.

    i think jb’s penis video shot was funny but i think your response to him was even better!!

  22. Deanna on October 9th, 2007 6:15 pm

    Pickles: I conducted extensive research. Clausens for sure. Make sure to tell JB they are in teh fridge case in the deli not on the shelf with the other pickles.

    When pregnant and I would get that I’m-hungry-but-I-don’t-know-what-I-want feeling, I would eat a pickle spear and it would stabilize me in some weird way.
    I never thought to do carrot cake chasers!

  23. Jess on October 9th, 2007 6:52 pm

    You just articulated what I have always thought about Swiss cheese but never been able to put into words. Thank you.

  24. Carolyn J. on October 9th, 2007 8:09 pm

    It’s too bad one of your neighbours wasn’t walking by when JB was exposing himself to the camera. Especially a neighbour who didn’t know what your husband looked like.

  25. Lesley on October 10th, 2007 2:12 am

    I thought all my laughter had been used up in this thread until I came here and read about the videocom test. Thanks for that.

    Pickles and swiss cheese followed by carrot cake sounds delightful and I’m not even preggers.

  26. LauraH on October 10th, 2007 4:05 am

    Definitely the coworker is weirder for bringing up your shoe choice in the first place. But, perhaps you could get him to run to the store for you.

  27. Tessie on October 10th, 2007 4:51 am

    I sense you will be seeing more unfortunate “visitors” on that intercom.

    Possibilities:
    Land Shark
    “Baby” left on doorstep
    Bags of flaming dog poo

  28. Jan on October 10th, 2007 5:57 am

    1. I TOTALLY think swiss cheese can smell like feet also. I thought I was the only one.

    2. I just read the video camera excerpt out loud to my husband and he (just smiling, not laughing out loud), nodded thoughtfully. I think he was actually agreeing with JB what a great idea that was. To not have to answer the door if you didn’t want to AND to expose yourself to the camera. We obviously have chosen a couple of winners as husbands. No, I didn’t mean weiners. (And to the commenter above – surely JB was INSIDE the house and you were outside!)

  29. kendra! on October 10th, 2007 6:12 am

    Who are these hubby grocer gophers and WHO the HILLS are these non-uterus-bearing shoe judgers?

  30. Christina on October 10th, 2007 6:21 am

    Hehe, the nerdy dude criticizing your shoes… I had someone do that to me when I was pregnant too… what’s with that anyway???

    Love the sleeping in until 7:45a reference… I usually make it till 7:00a than I am up. It sucks my ass!!!

    MMMMMM, Nanaimo bars WAY better than carrot cake… that and Tim Bits – you will be in heaven! Have fun!

  31. ktjrdn on October 10th, 2007 6:35 am

    It’s got to be him. For being a male and even noticing your shoe choice and then commenting on it.

  32. ang on October 10th, 2007 7:33 am

    I still can’t stop thinking about swiss cheese and carrot cake. I’m not pregnant, I just quit smoking last week. :-)

    Oh and Mandy: The feeding the host thing?? Funniest Shit Like Evah!!

  33. Emily on October 10th, 2007 8:08 am

    Best possible way to start my morning?? Ready Sundry and the comments and laugh out loud before any co-workers have made it into the office. You all crack me up!!!

  34. superblondgirl on October 10th, 2007 8:12 am

    Mmmmm…. thin Swiss cheese. I love the Lorraine kind, the really lacy tiny-holed one. And carrot cake. Not so much pickles right now. But I could go for a nice grilled cheese with Swiss and some fresh tomatoes, and then a big slice of carrot cake with cream cheese frosting. The people who are supposed to be bringing pie to work today? They are taking too long. I want my damn pie. I wish I was pregnant so that I didn’t feel so guilty about being hungry all the time lately. Though it is hormonal, pregnancy is a way better excuse than PMS.
    Your vacation sounds awesome – I also love the childless kind. Plus Tofino looks gorgeous and utterly relaxing. Have fun!!

  35. victoria on October 10th, 2007 9:12 am

    “I wouldn’t think you’d have to be very uncomfortable to give up heels.” WTF???

  36. manda on October 11th, 2007 8:22 am

    my husband would so do the genital flashing thing. That’s him..like 100%. With the cheese & carrot cake also. I love super thin Swiss cheese: The thick kind does smell like feet.

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