October 23, 2007

By posting the pictures of our newly operational and yuppified kitchen, I probably gave the impression that the remodel was finished and that the contractors had vacated our house once and for all, but sadly, NO. One thing I’ve learned about a remodel is that whatever you think the scope of the work is, the actual work will be much more extensive because everything you touch impacts something else—so if you create a new entryway into your house, that will screw up the flooring that was in that area, and you’ll have to have some swarthy ponytailed motherfucker camp out in your house for days on end while he tries to figure out how to weave in new hardwoods to match the existing (currently, he’s “not sure” how to match the color. Sweet).

When I got home yesterday—after a particularly irritating exit from Workplace where 1) I stumbled on the ridiculously expensive, impractical cobblestone driveway and actually fell to the ground like a lumbering pregnant buffoon/buffalo (note: no injuries were sustained save for my dignity), and 2) I nearly had to go back inside and weepily ask that whoever’s car was parked right next to mine move, because my GIANT BELLY couldn’t fit through my partially-opened door (with some grunting and wedging, I did finally manage it, but jesus, it was distressingly close)—Mr. Swarthy was still dorking around with the flooring, rendering the entryway into the kitchen inaccessible, and I am only partially ashamed to confess that I nearly cried.

“It’s only for tonight,” JB said, trying to placate me, and I may have gotten little shrieky about how I NEEDED! ACCESS! To! The OVEN! (See, you need an oven to make cookies.) Plus, we had gotten rid of all our temporary food/utensil storage, and so literally everything we needed was in the kitchen, on the other side of Flooring Zone. That was about when Swarthy announced he couldn’t figure out what stain to use, and thankfully departed, leaving a giant cloud of “dustless” dust from the sander in his wake (another Handy Contractor Tip: anyone who says their floor sander is dustless is so full of shit he squeaks going into turns).

So anyway, they still need to fix the floors, install some trim, paint some remaining areas, wrap up some electrical work, and the driveway needs to be finished. But hey, we’re very very close, and as long as the kitchen is up and running (and I can get IN it), I’m cool.

In unrelated news, I have to say that as a Tarantino fan I was greatly disappointed in Death Proof. My coworker, whose opinion on movies I respect and nearly always agree with, says he thinks the film was genius, so I’m obviously missing something because I thought that watching it was like having Tarantino’s sweaty dick on my shoulder, bonking me in an annoying fashion as he furiously whacked off to the bevy of big-titted beauties he cast in the movie. Excepting a few really decent scenes, I just wanted him to get the fuck off me. Stop forcing me to take part in your indulgent masturbatory cinematic spooge, Quentin.

(In comparison, Rodriguez’s contribution at least felt like he was giving me the common goddamn courtesy of a reach-around.)

Well, as long as this entry has taken the regrettable turn that it has, I may as well tell you that I saw a video on the internet recently that was so disturbing it seems to have lodged itself in my brain, and the only way I can purge myself of the evil is by telling you: I saw a man giving a dolphin a blow job. And yes, there was a . . . oh my god . . . a happy ending. For the dolphin, anyway. I mean, not that I can be sure the dolphin was happy to have a human manipulating its, um, anatomy, but there was evidence that a biological function occurred and—ANYWAY. So now at the most random of moments, when my mind is otherwise occupied with vague pleasantries related to the startlingly sunny October weather we’re having in Seattle, or the many cookie recipe choices I have at my disposal, suddenly out of NOWHERE I’ll hear this Flipper sound in my head—eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh—and I’ll see that dolphin. And I’ll wonder just what the hell kind of bad wiring a guy has to have in his hat-rack to wake up in the morning and decide that you know what, TODAY’S the day I finally fellate that there bottlenose. I mean, carpe diem and all that, but jesus. Go whack off on somebody’s shoulder like the normal skeezebags, dude.


76 Responses to “Contractors, Quentin, dolphins”

  1. Sundry on October 23rd, 2007 7:56 pm

    I don’t even want to know what kind of google referrals I’m going to start getting from this ONE PAGE. (Josh: EELS? Did you *have* to tell us about the EELS? I am haunted by both dolphins and eels now, great. Also, I edited your comment because COME ON!) Maybe this entry will have to visit the magic Delete button in a few days.

  2. Colleen on October 23rd, 2007 8:35 pm

    Holy effing cow, friends.

  3. shy Victoria on October 23rd, 2007 9:13 pm

    Gah, Gah, GAH!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. C on October 23rd, 2007 9:29 pm

    I couldn’t agree more about Death Proof. I, too, am a huge Tarantino fan….thru the entire movie I kept wondering if I was missing something, and I waited and waited for it to get better. Between the few decent action sequences, the movie really dragged and I was completely uninterested in any of the characters. I haven’t seen Rodriguez’s part yet, but it won’t take much for it to be better.

  5. Jennifer on October 23rd, 2007 9:33 pm

    The only redeeming thing about this kind of post is that the comments are making me CRY with laughter! These comments may be even better than the ones about Billy Blanks and his daughter.

  6. Kym on October 23rd, 2007 9:59 pm


  7. Josh on October 23rd, 2007 10:05 pm

    Sorry Sundry. I didn’t mean to cross over into offensive land. I thought it was already way into weirdville. Sometimes I’m not the best judge of how far is too far. Humanity is lucky to have you around. Sorry that you probably won’t be able to get the eels out of your head. We’re even now.

    But seriously, how messed up is it that my little brother found it in one fucking query? I learned some things today. (shudders) The internet is fucking weird. And you were right about the dolphin noise being haunting.

  8. sundry on October 23rd, 2007 10:22 pm

    I should also say, Josh, that not only was your comment utterly horrific, but it made both JB and I keel over laughing tonight. Our new catchphrase? “The *first* time you see scat . . .”

  9. Just Sayin' on October 23rd, 2007 10:30 pm

    No Way am I going to try to find the Dolphin site!!! We were on vacation and driving through some backwoods to get to a tour of some caves and dog gone if we didn’t turn a corner and there it was…some guy was screwing a calf beside his barn. Oh. My. God. That was years ago and I still remember it like it was yesterday. I mean really what kind of a person does that? Sick, sick sick. So, I pass on all things relating to animal sex acts. Ick. Some people are just freaks.

  10. Josh on October 23rd, 2007 10:35 pm

    Oh right right. Um … I meant the one and only time you run across it because there would be no reason to ever run across it again after having the knowlege of what you are about to see burned into every lobe of you brain. Unless of course you wanted to fuck with your room mate later. And the rest of your room mates the next day. And slowly but surely, every person you know. I mean … if that’s the sort of ass hole you are. Which I totally am not. But apparently you guys already know about it, so you are safe from all those other people (not me) who might accidentally try and purposely link you there with no warning. Hypothetically.

  11. Sundry on October 23rd, 2007 11:38 pm

    Josh: that reminds me of the My First Goatse Flickr pool. Which is great fun, if you haven’t already seen it.

  12. stephanie brown on October 24th, 2007 3:59 am

    Josh needs his own blog….there is just too much entertainment up in that brain of his to limit him to the comment section of other people’s blogs…

    Sundry, if you get a chance….go check out the “Bubba Lips” set on my Flickr account….and if it hits you just right than I think you and JB should definately get in on that. My cousin lives in Seattle and she definately sent me a picture to add to the collection. I realize this is probably not the best promo…and it probably sounds like I’m trying to get you and your husband to send me dirty pictures. But I’m not, I promise. Just, just go look. lol

  13. jonniker on October 24th, 2007 5:39 am

    Oh my God, Linda, MY FIRST GOATSE. HAAAAAA. Reminiscent of that awful time I referenced Tubgirl on my blog and shit went DOWN.


  14. diane on October 24th, 2007 6:36 am

    Linda, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for not linking. My lack of willpower would have had me clicking…and that is something I never want to see. The images of dolphins and eels have forever been ruined. Eels…really!? I will now go to my happy place.

  15. superblondgirl on October 24th, 2007 6:36 am

    Thank you for not linking to that video. Also, isn’t that illegal? Should that be on YouTube? And how the HELL did you find such a thing?
    And I’m now going to try to figure out how to work sweaty dicks on shoulders into my next conversation about bad movies. Because that is rather what Hostel was like. A sweaty dick on one shoulder, a meat cleaver on the other. Neither enjoyable.

  16. biscuit on October 24th, 2007 7:56 am

    Oh just post the goddamn dolphin-man love link already!!! Eeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk Eeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!

  17. wealhtheow on October 24th, 2007 8:01 am

    Wow. And I thought my morning couldn’t get any better. There are some twisted freaks out there!

  18. Jennie on October 24th, 2007 10:03 am

    Whoever sent you the link to that video should no longer be allowed to talk to you. Or if it was a simple search that brought you to it, I’m sorry. I’d be scared to Google again for DAYS.

    But yea! for! cookies! I have a great brownie recipe. It’s basically out of a box, if you want it :) And it’s REQUESTED by friends and family.

  19. Nik on October 24th, 2007 11:16 am

    I was in the middle of googling for the man/dolphin love when my sweet, preacher-marrying grandmother called out of the blue. I took it as a sign from God to cease and desist.

  20. Allie on October 24th, 2007 11:44 am

    I totally second whoever said Josh needs his own Blog. I actually look for his comments because they are as enjoyable as your blogs, Sundry!

  21. Sundry on October 24th, 2007 12:00 pm

    Josh DOES have a blog now! Clicky the link in his comment, and BEHOLD.

  22. Danell on October 24th, 2007 12:44 pm

    Hmmm…is Josh providing the link? BECAUSE I CAN’T TAKE IT…MUST SEE MUST SEE MUST SEE…

    I know I don’t WANT to see it, but I MUST. And I’m totally terrified to see it because OH MY GOD THE SCARY WARNINGS FROM YA’LL, but then again I need to see it because OH MY GOD THE SCARY WARNINGS.

  23. Erin on October 24th, 2007 5:29 pm

    You will be happy to know that you are indeed the top Google result for “dolphin blowjob”! Congratulations!

    I really shouldn’t look for it, should I. No. Must resist…

  24. Brad on October 25th, 2007 1:48 am

    I watched the video. It didn’t really disturb me, but that sure is one weird looking shlong.

  25. Amber on October 26th, 2007 8:37 pm

    For those of you thinking of googling ‘dolphin blow job’ may I just advise STRONGLY against it. Because honestly, I’m sure Sundry’s descriptives are adequate (NOW, anyway) and really. REALLY.

    Also, Josh, I’ve been more disturbed thanks to your contribution. I love you guys.

  26. Domingo Kulas on October 18th, 2010 3:42 am

    Fine site. Great post, keep up all the work.

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