The other day:

Me: “Hello?”
JB: (panting moistly into the phone): “What are you wearing?”
Me: “A great big maternity sweater! And it’s all itchy!”
JB: “. . .”
Me: “Also, I came up with the perfect description for a hemorrhoid: it’s like your asshole blew a tiny little balloon.”
JB: “I—”
Me: “Buttle Yum!”
JB: “We are never going to have sex again, are we?”

I am feeling unsexily large lately. At a recent doctor’s appointment I confirmed I have in fact piled on a goodly amount of weight in the last few weeks. It’s my own damn fault—no, not the weight, that’s clearly a byproduct of a healthy pregnancy and can’t possibly be helped by using such drastic measures as stepping away from the Halloween candy—because if I didn’t ask them to tell me how much I weighed, I wouldn’t know. My doctor’s office weighs in kilos, for some reason, and that particular number always sounds satisfyingly low. “68 kilograms, my goodness,” I like to say, batting my eyelashes in concern. “Why, I’d best step up my baking, hadn’t I?”

Not only did I ask them how much I weighed this week, but gripped by some horrible influx of female insecurity and self-sabotage, I actually felt compelled to grill the nurse about my weight gain, in the same idiotic way you might ask a man to tell you whether or not you look fat in this dress (to which there is no possible good answer, other than a shout of dismay and the admonition to eat something immediately, you’re practically wasting away to skin and bones!) (also, that reminds me of something JB confessed to me a long time ago: his college girlfriend, who he had apparently been thinking of breaking up with, asked the Stupid Question about whether her outfit made her look fat, and JB’s irritated answer was this: “No, your fat makes you look fat.” You’ll have to ask him what happened after that, because I don’t know—although perhaps it’s better if history cloaks that little uncouth moment in mystery). Despite having had neither the nurse or doctor express any misgivings about my weight gain to date, I flat-out asked them if they thought there was anything to “worry about”.

Is that not the dumbest thing you ever heard in your whole life? I must have peed out some critical brain cells during the urine protein test, or something, because all I can think is that I was hoping to get an official green light for eating like a starved hyena for the next three months and OF COURSE I did not get one. “Well,” the nurse said, “you’re within what we consider to be a healthy weight gain so far, but if you’re concerned you could definitely cut back on the snacking, take it a little easy there.”

I will cut back from the snacking when you pry the snacks from my cold dead fingers,” I hissed, before flipping her off and waddling away as fast as I could. No, not really, I just nodded sagely in a manner that said I would give her helpful advice the thought and consideration it deserved, which is to say I came home and made an enormous batch of oatmeal cookies.

Anyway, it was a serious lapse in judgement on my part and in the future I will refrain from asking medical professionals questions I don’t want the answer to. In the meantime, I am trying to embrace the Bigness That Is Me, and remember that despite the fact that I am steadfastly re-inforcing every bad habit I managed to finally break last spring, I lost the weight before and I can do it again.

Don’t ask me to feel sexy, though. I mean, I make an involuntary walrus-like grunting noise when I get up from playing on the floor with my son. My boobs are the size of Volkswagens. I’m always hitching at my pants, or scratching my chest, or burping. I won’t even mention the SKIN TAGS. Oh, the sexytime, it is not now.


35 Responses to “How to deflate a dirty phone call in one second flat”

  1. stephanie brown on October 30th, 2007 4:56 pm

    you would never even know from the pictures. your glowing face makes you look very pretty (as if you arent anyway! lol)! but you are still allowed to feel big if you want or if it makes you feel better. just keep in mind though, your next child is gestating in your tummy and that’s so freaking cool and worth it :)

  2. Mary O on October 30th, 2007 5:03 pm

    I stopped asking how much weight I’ve gained at each appointment during this pregnancy, and it’s amazing how much better I feel about myself! Believe me, I am not one to gain only the recommended 25-35 pounds.
    Don’t ask, don’t tell… that’s my motto!

  3. Jess on October 30th, 2007 5:07 pm

    Seriously, where are you hiding all this supposed excess weight? It is totally not visible in any of your photos. Maybe the baby is just really… dense.

  4. Trena on October 30th, 2007 5:11 pm

    Yeah, so I’ve been jealous thus far of the getting to be pregnant again thing, but I have to say that this post brought back memories of that month previous to Owen being born that I affectionately like to called the ‘Couch Days’ of my pregnancy. Because seriously-I felt so large and ponderous that it was all I could do to just lie prone on the couch and not even think about having to move all my bulk again for a good long while. There may have even been more than a fleeting thought about a bed pan or two and how freeing that could be. *ahem* Not that I would admit to it though.

  5. courtney on October 30th, 2007 5:42 pm

    Seriously, what is with the skin tags? I’m in the “couch days” that Trena mentioned and I found a new one the other day on my neck. I am amazed by the ridiculousness that is pregnancy.

    Oh and by the way, the pumpkin chocolate chip muffins are awesome.

  6. Erica on October 30th, 2007 5:52 pm

    Why is it that people try to call pregnancy “sexy” and use the term “glowing” all the damn time? My pregnancy was not my best time. In the beginning, there was vomiting, acne and greasy hair. Then, there was gassiness, insomnia, and heartburn. I never felt less sexy or glowing in my life.

  7. superblondgirl on October 30th, 2007 6:13 pm

    Ugh, I had forgotten about skin tags. I had an awful one right under the back of my bra, and it kept getting rubbed and bleeding. So attractive.
    PS for what it’s worth, I think you still look great, even with muffins surgically attached to your ass or whatever. ;)

  8. biscuit on October 30th, 2007 6:23 pm

    I’m not alone! You have skin tags too! I posted a bulletin on Baby Center asking if anyone else had got them + no one responded. I’ve gained 23 pounds in the past 2 months. I huff + puff trying to get off the couch for a snack. I feel you, girl. I’d definitely rather go wild in the kitchen rather than the bedroom.

  9. Sadie on October 30th, 2007 7:07 pm

    I love you, and I love your writing, and I don’t think you look particularly walrus-y…all that said, immediately after I read this, I ate two birth control pills. AT ONCE.

  10. Jem on October 30th, 2007 7:29 pm

    I read a quote a few years ago that the best reply to “Do I look fat in these pants?” is “No, you look fat because you ARE fat,” and I’ve always always wanted to say that to someone. But I never get the chance :( (plus, I’d never do it)

  11. Clueless But Hopeful Mama on October 30th, 2007 8:06 pm

    It’s really therapeutic for me to read about your pregnancy woes (not to mention the woes of poor Her Bad Mother!) as it helps me be happy that we’re waiting awhile to try for number 2 (uh, a second kid that is not a BM). Reading your post today, I remember the gassiness, the skin tags, the crazy hugeness of my ass like it was yesterday. Oh, and the unsexiness too. Who are the freaks who feel sexy when they’re pregnant? NOT me.

  12. Jennifer on October 31st, 2007 1:20 am

    i think you are gorgeous! and i mean that in a totally non-creepy way.

  13. stephanie brown on October 31st, 2007 4:02 am

    guess it’s a party foul to tell a pregnant woman she’s appears to be glowing with happiness and beauty? my bad…it was meant to be a comment of the highest regard…

  14. Eric's Mommy on October 31st, 2007 4:37 am

    Hey Happy Halloween!

    You look great, I wish I had looked as good as you when I was pregnant maybe then my husband would want to have another child, instead he remembers how I was always complaining and blew up like a bloated dead whale carcass that washed up on the beach!

  15. BA on October 31st, 2007 5:51 am

    AAAAH – the skin tags! They’re so gross. I still have some left under by boobs from my last kid. I figured when I have my last, I’ll go get them all razored off. Fun . ..

  16. Swistle on October 31st, 2007 5:58 am

    So funny!

    By the time I was pregnant with my fifth, I was even DEFLECTING the nurse’s concerns. She’d say, “Ooo, 5 pounds since last time!” and I’d say, brightly, “Oh, good!” So she’d say, in a concerned tone, “Have you been tested for gestational diabetes?,” and I’d say, “Listen, bitch, I can’t help but notice that YOU are not the DOCTOR here. Also, it is worth noting that you are an idiot.” No, actually I said “Yes! It came back FINE.”

  17. kendra! on October 31st, 2007 6:56 am

    I don’t think I could have understood this self-consciousness, this loathe-to-be-sexy before this year. But now I hear ya barkin’, mama. I’m 4’11” and there is nowhere for the 7 month-old fetus to go. I just want to be left alone and to never have to feign sexiness again.

  18. hue on October 31st, 2007 8:42 am

    You have skin tags TOO? Thank God! I thought it was just me. Been reading the pregnancy forums and nobody else seems to be complaining about them. I have at least a hundred all under my breasts. Waaah.

  19. slynnro on October 31st, 2007 9:56 am

    Once, when interrogated by an ex who griped that my husband (her then boyfriend) spent too much time at the gym and thus making him unavailable for time with her, my husband told her that perhaps she should consider spending a little more time at the gym herself. She didn’t speak to him for two weeks.

  20. Becky on October 31st, 2007 10:35 am

    so my husband fell for the whole myth that in the 3rd trimester women get horney…..that is until he tried to get frisky..and I calmly explained the feeling of lugging around a child, bigger boobs, hemorroids and the lovelyness of heartburn. He hasn’t touched me since…THANK GOD!!!!!

  21. Lauren on October 31st, 2007 10:41 am

    umm so I highly recommend that if you don’t know what skin tags are, you don’t go off and google image them. You know hypothetically speaking of course. Good grief!

  22. Kristie on October 31st, 2007 12:25 pm

    Ah, pregnancy weight. I still carry mine around. From my 12 year old.

  23. Jen on October 31st, 2007 1:37 pm

    Oh how I wish my OB had the same tact that yours does. I left my last OB appointment in tears because my doctor told me that I should not be eating ANY Halloween candy! NONE! ZILCH! NADA!

    I was so upset! I am 35 weeks and have gained 30 pounds. I have decided that my doctor is evil and mean and probably hates Halloween.

    Heh. In any case! I am eating a Reese’s as I write this ; )

  24. Bitter Betty on October 31st, 2007 2:36 pm

    ~grumble grumble~

    I really hate it when thin (even while preggo) people say they’re fat.

    ~flips sundry off~

    Oh yea. You look great. You stinker.

  25. Laura on October 31st, 2007 8:39 pm

    The only thing I can say about those dreaded doctor’s appointments when I was pregnant…well, they just sucked! My doctor was CONSTANTLY on me about gaining weight (I ended up gaining about 40 pounds) and I just hated going. But for whatever it’s worth, if I had to do it all over again (and if I had had the recipe for the evil pumpking chocolate chip muffins), I would have eaten twice as much as I did. So, go ahead – make another batch and eat every last morsel.

    On another note, I’ve never posted before, but read this daily so I know about you and Zombies. I came across this tonight and I just had to come out of the lurker’s closet to send you the link.

    Enjoy and thank you so much for being the amazingly talented and honest writer that you are!

  26. bethy on November 1st, 2007 6:06 am

    LOL… and THIS is why I am an obsessive checker of the Sundry blogs. I love what you write, every time. I’m currently 23weeks and feeling particularly mammoth myself… I cannot possibly fathom that I will get any bigger than this, but since this is my first I feel that my imagination may be disappointingly poor.

    Pass some of those cookies over here, mama!

  27. ali on November 1st, 2007 8:09 am

    there’s nothing quite as sexy as hemorrhoid-talk :)

  28. Cristina Mathers on November 1st, 2007 11:38 am

    wow! now that was hilarious, and i can totally relate! =)

  29. Amber on November 1st, 2007 5:20 pm

    I know you said you wouldn’t mention it, but what exactly are skin tags? I have to know.

  30. Amber on November 1st, 2007 5:23 pm

    Nevermind me, I got motivated and looked it up for myself.

  31. rimarama on November 2nd, 2007 12:02 pm

    Skin tags are an oft overlooked pregnancy burden. I had one on my NOSTRIL. You can draw your own conclusions about the ramifications of this extremely unfortunate placement.

    Very funny post, by the way.

  32. Heather on November 4th, 2007 4:38 am

    At the last doctor’s visit:
    Dr.: “Hmm…looking at your weight. You can stop gaining now.”
    Me: “Uh, it’s not like I’m TRYING to gain. There is another person inside me, you know.”

  33. Josh on November 5th, 2007 7:46 pm

    Ewww, gross. I had never heard of skin tags before and I just googled that shit. Gnarly. Still, Volkswagen sized beebees negate a lot of unpleasant physical attributes. As far as ladies asking dumb questions, yes you do, a lot. But guys do too. Like, “was it as good for you as it was for me?” When what we really mean was, “Was it good enough to get another ticket to ride?” Or sometimes, “I’m feeling insecure because this is normally where you leave forever, would you stroke my ego for a few minutes so I don’t feel like a bitch?”

    Or my personal favorite, “Honey, do you want anything from the store?”

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    Hello webmaster Sundry, the site looks really good!

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