Comments on: Unrequited

By: pippa

pippa — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 12:59:39 +0000

Finally catching up after the holidays… ;)

Not much to offer. I’ve felt it more times than I can say, and this blistering pain is actually NOTHING compared to the first time they come out with the “I HATE YOU!” that brought me to my knees.

It’s small comfort, but when they are sick or hurt or scared, it’s invariably “mama” that they ask for. Last night, Bug was having an asthma attack. He fought G like nobody’s business until G handed me over and went to step and fetch the meds… the nebulizer… the compressor. He cried and fought me on the meds, but once we got him under control, he clung to me, burrowed his head into my side, and calmly went to sleep.

I sometimes think that they are designed to do these things to us, to better prepare us for when they leave for college, or move out, or get married and ZOMG have their own children.

By: found

found — Sat, 22 Dec 2007 22:18:13 +0000

Hi, I am delurking! Anyway, I hope it is not too late to comment, and I also don´t know if somebody already said this, but I am wondering if JB has a special day that is just him and Riley? Maybe Riley seems to favor him because you stay home with him several days and have lots and lots of “me” time with him but it may be a good idea for them to also have time of their own so that he can enjoy his dad´s undivided attention? Just a thought!

By: emily

emily — Sat, 22 Dec 2007 05:46:12 +0000

:( I haven’t read everyone else’s comments, so in order to not repeat, I’ll keep it simple. Your boy loves you deeply, this is a phase. The whole time I read your entry, as my heart sunk, I kept thinking about you being sick lately and getting increasingly pregnant. I think those two factors are contributing to the timing of your sadness.

By: Kay

Kay — Sat, 22 Dec 2007 04:58:41 +0000

That’s it. Make new baby the favorite. That will show him.
Ok, seriously. It is a phase. I went through it with my child and even grandchild (damn Papa). It passes. Promise.

By: Penny

Penny — Sat, 22 Dec 2007 04:20:30 +0000

I’m probably repeating someone else, but I’ve heard many stories about this same kind of thing, and it always seems to come from mothers who stay at home. Even if you’re working from home, even if you have a sitter to mind the child while you are working, it has a certain effect on the kiddo like you describe.

Sorry that you feel this way. It makes me wonder if this is how my husband feels sometimes, as my daughter has a clear preference for me (but she’s 17 months..)

By: Rayne

Rayne — Fri, 21 Dec 2007 17:39:56 +0000

That breaks my heart. I’m so sorry for your pain. Everyone talks about how parenting is the most rewarding thing in life but seldom do we talk about how it is also the most painful, heart-wrenching thing we will ever do. I guess it is good that we don’t realize this before hand because I for one am not sure I would have gone through with it.

By: dng

dng — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 23:45:39 +0000

I did not read all of the remarks so this may be redundant… I think it is because you are about to have another baby and he is mad at you that he will not be the sole center of attention anymore. He will have to share you and we all know, kids do not like to share what is theirs. He is turning to JB because JB isn’t the one having the baby.

Unless this was going on before pregnacy #2, than I don’t have an answer for you. I know it hurts now, but when the baby gets here he will want all of YOUR attention.

By: K

Thu, 20 Dec 2007 21:35:09 +0000

Just a thought from one who has no kids but has done a LOT of family therapy. This seems like an opportunity to teach Riley about loving lots of people/things equally and all at the same time. Kids sometimes think they can only have one feeling, one object of affection, at a time. They have to reject one to take up another. Toy A is the best thing ever until Toy B is discovered and then Toy A is cast off.

Perhaps you could model for him that you love him, and new baby, and JB all at the same time. Teach him to gather you all up at once (although I agree with other advice that counsels you to let him find his way to you at his own speed). For example, he can’t do the “walk and swing holding parents hands” thing without both of you. In fact none of you could play that game without all three of you there. Nothing wrong with you observing that outloud while he’s having fun doing it.

I can’t imagine the pain you feel during those moments. Small comfort that most everyone feels it’s less about you or Riley’s love for you than it is about his development. Hang in there.

By: Kayte

Kayte — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 14:00:43 +0000

We used to call it “Kids Changing Camp” as they would regularly shift from one favorite to the other…I decided to just go with the flow…one day it was Daddy and the next it was Mommy…or sometimes months at a time. I would always say, “Great idea, let’s have Daddy do it!” or he would say the same with “Great idea, let’s let Mommy do it.” The kids realized what seemed to be a power play didn’t work out all that well…and eventually figured out that whoever was closest was the best deal. Now as teens they are still doing it…searching out who seems closest to the possibility of saying “yes” to whatever it is they want…our tactics have been that in order to keep peace between us, the only acceptable answer is “Let me run that by (Mom) or (Dad) and I’ll get back to you.” It took us awhile to figure this one out…surprisingly enough. LOL.

Know this: if you were to disappear today, Riley would never ever be the same, you are his world…he is forever linked to you in ways he does not understand yet and in ways you never thought possible. You are doing a great job.

By: Tracy

Tracy — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 13:28:45 +0000

Linda, it looks like you have lots of wonderful comments and advice here. I don’t think Riley knows he’s hurting you per se, but I do think he knows he’s pushing your buttons, and probably gets some satisfaction that it works. Just a normal toddler contrary-minded stage. He’s obviously excited to see you, but resists being told what to do, and his resistance seems to escalate in correlation with your insistance that he does what you & JB want him to do. And once he gets to the meltdown stage, he’s committed to resistance, and overwhelmed, and loses it.

I know it’s so, so hard not to react with emotion, but if I were you I would let him know that his behaviour is hurtful and unacceptable, in a matter of fact way, and deal with it accordingly, as you would any type of misbehaviour. Obviously you can’t always make him do what you want, but try not to reward his tantrums with an emotional reaction. It just sounds like you’re locked in a power struggle.

Your baby knows you love him, and he loves you too. He’s just testing his boundaries and trying out his independence on you. And maybe your personalities are so similar that it leads to a clash much more quickly than it does with daddy.

Hang in there, these phases pass before you know it. All the best for the holidays, and thanks for writing – I love your site.