My hair is in dire need of some highlights and I’ll tell you the truth, the only reason I’m waiting to get them done is because I’m afraid of someone giving me shit in the salon. You know: “Do you really think it’s safe to expose your baby to the chemicals?” I actually do think it’s safe, or at least as safe as anything in this chemical-soaked world is, but I’m too much of a pussy to risk the potential interaction. Because then I’d have to be all, yeah I do, want to make something of it, and they’d be all, I have a degree in Crap That Can Theoretically Harm Babies and so there, and I’d be like, shut up I’m hormonal and weird and I will sit on you and crush you to death, and then we’d have to have a ninja fight with hot irons and bottles of Bumble & bumble products, and it would just be a pain in the ass.

I feel kind of fugly, though, with my half-brown, half-whatever hair. Contributing to the fug feeling is my newly acquired Pregnancy Face, where the jawline has slowly disappeared into a sea of puffiness and my eyes always look half-asleep. I’ve been rudely enjoying some recent photos of Christina Aguilera because even that tiny little hoochie now has Pregnancy Face. ALL MUST SUCCUMB.

Most of my clothes have stopped fitting for one reason or another. The cute tops are now too short, the pants all get pushed southward by the midsection, and the combination of these problems results in a large swath of naked lower belly. The fitted shirts are stretched to the point of explosion, and anything clingy bugs me now anyway. I’m itchy, I’m hot, my belly is constantly erupting in a flurry of disturbing movement: I need muumuus.

The good news is that Smalltopus seems to have dropped down a bit or at least found a new position that doesn’t involve crushing my lungs, because in the last couple days I feel marginally more capable of walking across the room without dropping to the floor and gasping, which is nice.

God, is there anything more boring than listening to a pregnant person talk about being, like omigod, so totally pregnant? Jesus. The sad part is that while I’m currently tuned to the All Gestation, All the Time channel, it’s only going to get worse: the All Baby channel is even more insipid. Soon I’ll be blathering about how eye-searingly beautiful my new baby is, even if he looks like a miniscule Andy Rooney.

:::

While I’m still mainly handling the administrative Macworld preparations at my office this year, I’m not actually going to the show. I don’t know when the cutoff time is for air travel, but I’d hate like hell to go into early labor while standing in a booth hawking software. I mean, I suppose there could be worse places to give birth, like a Porta-Potty, but the .000001% chance of it happening at Macworld is too much for me. Although it’s fun to imagine the looks of horror on some of the geekier attendees’ faces: ALERT ALERT FEMALE PRODUCING BIOLOGICAL SPECIMEN FROM LOWER BODY ALERT.

So I’m staying home and happily skipping out on booth duties—but sadly missing out on a week’s worth of room service—and instead, JB is going out of town during that timeframe. To CES. Which just so happens to be in Las Vegas.

The exhausted, blimp-sized pregnant lady gets to stay home with the kid in the nonstop Seattle rain, while the unfettered husband jets off to VEGAS for a few days of technology circle-jerking, sunshine, and various forms of adult entertainment.

Man, is that bullshit or what? What should I get in compensation, do you think? Spa day? Lapdance from Jake Gyllenhaal? Chest of gold doubloons?

:::

Lastly, for no particular reason, a picture of my child being chased by a chicken:

2156690522_8d3744bb2e.jpg

(Run, Forrest, RUN!)

Comments

69 Responses to “Same old, same old”

  1. Tara on January 4th, 2008 7:49 am

    I might be somewhat overly cautious (my husband would now be guffawing loudly, if he read that), but. . . if the breathing has suddenly gotten easier, your labor may be approaching sooner than you think! I would make sure that JB’s plans are, um, flexible. You know, just in case Smalltopus makes an early arrival. :-)

  2. Gentry on January 4th, 2008 7:56 am

    No, it’s totally fascinating reading your all-pregnancy allthetime reportages. This is the stuff they never tell you. Babies can crush your lungs? Who knew? Pregnancy puffy face? I had no idea. Muumuu yearnings. I could have never guessed, but it makes sense.

    Thank you for reminding me to adopt. I am such a wuss, there is no way I could ever deal. I’m sure I’d give myself a cesarian the minute I had nothing to wear. Or couldn’t take an antihistimine.

    I think I’ll make a great mom, but a horrible , homocidal pregnant lady.

    Your blog has saved lives. Seriously.

  3. ang on January 4th, 2008 8:03 am

    My spouse has a semi-annual trade show in Vegas and every. damned. year. I get stuck pulling single mom duty during back to school crap. Then again in February while the weather here is sucky and I have spring fever and there have been no holiday/long weekends available from work.
    Now, quit being a puss and go get your freaking hair done. Also, get a pedicure and a prenatal message. That should totally even things out.

  4. diane on January 4th, 2008 8:54 am

    I would just feign shock and hurt when they mention your pregnancy and say you’re not pregnant,just carrying baby weight still….

  5. dorrie on January 4th, 2008 9:30 am

    I love how sassy you look in your photos!

  6. Lora on January 4th, 2008 10:07 am

    Hi Linda, I really love your blog. I got the link for it from someone at Motorcitymoms.com… you have fans in the lovely suburbs of Detroit!
    Do what you want… but I wanted to tell you I went to the salon all throughout my pregnancy, and never once did anyone say a word. I did have to eat a ton of food while under the dryer.. which was a little embarrassing… but whatever! Get it done now, because after you have him, you won’t get in for a couple months probably.. and then all your post preggo photos will be scary (from my own experience) It blows what preggos have to go through from judgeMENTALS, I had a half a glass of red wine every other month when hubby and I got out… and I would have my trenchcoat on the whole time… thinking nobody would know I was preggo.. because I was all baby at that one(I’m sure my next pregnancy I’ll rival a zeppelin!)
    Good luck!

  7. Stephanie on January 4th, 2008 10:33 am

    Totally get the highlights, are you kidding me?

    Get a Dr’s note to take with you if it makes you feel better.

    And oh, isn’t Jake gay? Not that would impede his ability to lapdance…the man is gorgeous.

  8. Stephanie on January 4th, 2008 10:36 am

    And sorry, ignore thae Jake is gay comment…totally wrong hot star…

  9. Fay on January 4th, 2008 10:51 am

    What you should get as compensation is some time OFF when he gets back, at least. Like, two or three days of NO mommy duty whatsoever. Especially since the duties are about to double!

  10. Penny on January 4th, 2008 12:19 pm

    I would not suggest the lap dance from Jake since you likely have no lap to speak of right now. Spa day, on the other hand, sounds like a mighty idea. Also you can probably get your hair colored there with less witnesses in the room to harass you.

  11. Kristin H on January 4th, 2008 6:27 pm

    I am crackng up on diane’s comment…

  12. Josh on January 4th, 2008 7:10 pm

    Oh hell yeah! I would so watch some prego chicks duking it out. Except that would be endangering babies I think. Fighting while pregnant is bad right? Well, maybe it’s ok if you are fighting about endangering babies. Kind of acceptable in a round about way, sort of.

    Yeah, and JB is one lucky ass dude. That guy always has cool shit happening to him. I mean, damn! Vegas rocks. Tell him to go help some local girls through college, one dollar at a time. You know, for me, since I’m broke and not in Vegas. Also, I think I’m deriving way too much comedic pleasure from these pictures of Riley having crappy days. Scaring kids is almost as funny as making them cry.

  13. Bianca on January 5th, 2008 2:18 pm

    I have to say, I’m bummed you’re not coming to MacWorld. I work right next door to Moscone now and I was hoping to meet so we could talk zombie -or talk ABOUT zombies rather. Talking LIKE zombies might make people stare. Then again, it is San Francisco so it’s more likely that talking like zombies would just make homeless people join in. UHNNNN? HUUUUUUUUUUUH!

    Alright, enough of that. Maybe next year. I would also treat you to some Tom’s Cookies. Yum!

  14. k on January 5th, 2008 8:00 pm

    I hear you on maternity clothes. I am about where you are (only 24 days and a wake up to go!) and I’ve now totally gone over the belly with my pants. Turns out I accidentally spent Christmas exposing myself to innocent bystanders at the mall and decided that was suboptimal.

    As for Riley, I don’t blame him for being afraid of the chicken. I was bit on the ass (swear!) by a pig as a kid when were at some dude ranch. Sure, it was my fault as I was trying to play with her piglets, but damn those farm animals are fast when they want to be.

  15. Penny on January 5th, 2008 11:20 pm

    Oh go head and do the highlights. It is safe. And if someone asks, look very innocently at them and simply say “Well it IS better then the crack I was going to smoke, isn’t it?” They will shut up.

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