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Jan
7
We moved Riley into his own bedroom a little while ago, a transition that did not go completely hitch-free but with the exception of one Very Dramatic Evening has been fairly painless overall. In order to sort of detach him from his old room altogether I moved all of his diaper supplies to the new room and we’ve been changing him in there instead of his changing table—something we probably should have done a while back, since he’s long outgrown it. The problem is, his bed (a futon) is very low, and I am very very large. It has been extremely difficult to bend that far over in order to wipe my squirming kid’s butt and wrestle him into/out of his clothes; every time I do it I have to take a break afterwards and spend some quality time panting and gasping and blinking at all the pretty little sparkling stars floating around my head.
Anyway, it randomly occurred to me this morning that my own bed is about four times higher than Riley’s, and if I changed him there it would be just as ergonomically helpful as the changing table was. It’s taken me, let’s see, about two weeks to come to this realization, so I guess we can officially cross “Able to Problem-Solve In a Timely Manner” off my list of Things I Still Feel Capable Of This Late in Pregnancy.
That list does include Eat Ice Cream Every Single Night, which is something I remember doing in the last weeks of being pregnant with Riley. And I do I mean every night. There’s just something so soothing and happy about ice cream, I feel internally comforted with every slurpy bite. Well, except for about halfway through the bowl, when the sugar high or the coldness of my stomach contents turns Smalltopus into a Rolfing expert hell-bent on pulverizing the various muscle fascia within his reach.
I can’t get over how much this kid moves, and how truly uncomfortable it is when he does so. None of the pregnancy books warn you that those heartwarming little bubbles early on will turn into the sort of sensations that make you wonder just how secure of a containment system your body can possibly be, because we’re just talking about tissue and skin and stuff, right? It’s not like the baby is held securely behind bones or anything, surely he could just claw his way through if he tried hard enough? Which worries me, because it really seems like he is TRYING VERY HARD.
My belly doesn’t look or feel like a round balloon any more, now it’s a roiling mass of babyparts. I wish like hell I could peek in there and see what position he’s in, because a lot of time it doesn’t make any kind of anatomical sense to me (”What IS that, a leg? A butt? A battery-powered Whack-A-Mole game?”).
All in all, I have the increasing feeling that there’s not nearly enough room for the both of us, and yet we’re expected to share quarters for a few more weeks still. Craziness! I know pregnancy is supposed to be the most natural thing in the world, but from my perspective it’s entirely UNnatural to house a whole entire human being inside your own body. A Chihuahua puppy, sure; a case of Eclipse “Polar Ice” gum, why not?—but a full-term BABY? Come on. Tell me another one, Fibby McBullshit.
Comments
55 Responses to “Tales from Blimp City”
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Surely (as a “non-mum”) you’re meant to savour these last few weeks!
This might be the last time you do this – or is there a Microtopus to follow in the next couple of years :)
Yes, this is in all likelihood the last time I’ll experience any of this which I’m sure will be bittersweet at some point, but anyone who can savor the last weeks of pregnancy is more of a trooper than I’ll ever be.
Is there anything ice cream can’t fix?
i wasn’t a great pregnant woman either, your legs look amazing. I hate you:)
You sure do know how to bring a woman back to being preganet again. You discribe it just as it felt both times for me. The last few weeks of each pregnetcy was the hardest and I just could not wait till it was done.
oh, I remember how wonderful that ice cream tasted during the last few weeks too. Can I have some “sympathy” ice cream for you?
(PS: can I ask what cool plugin you are using to highlight your own comments?? Thanks!)
You poor bugger. I absolutely hate the last few weeks of pregnancy. It’s designed to make you feel as shit as possible so by the time the baby’s born you feel a) relief and b) completely stuffed already, which just makes the whole sleep deprivation/wacky hormones/emotional rollercoaster thing SO much easier to handle.
Fwiw, I often change my 2 year old while she’s standing up. Of course it can be easier with a girl because she sometimes wears dresses so there’s less to do before I get to the nappy. But you might find it easier sometimes too. Especially with Code Yellow nappies. Though it can be quite good with Code Brown nappies too – it sucks that she can run off, but at least if she squirms the poo doesn’t rub off on anything. (Well, except for me, when I don’t move quickly enough!)
OY – so you mean, it’s going to get worse? haha – ha.
I’m so uncomfortable now, and I still have 3 months to go. Just putting my shoes on is a feat of itself – I can’t imagine toddler wrestling as a side sport. You heroic woman.
At the end of my pregnancy I needed to eat berries every single night. BERRIES. Strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, blackberries… ANY KIND OF BERRIES.
Which ok, they’re healthy or whatever (probably not with the amount of Cool Whip I ate them with) but they are also, like, roughly $35 each or something, and then one night I went to get my berry fix and the berries had MOLDED, OH MY GOD and you would not even BELIEVE the meltdown I had over that. Because not only were the berries MOLDY and inedible, I had spent MONEY on those berries, a lot of money, at that, and I could have bought DIAPERS or some wipes or something instead! Oh the drama and guilt!
I do not particularly envy your current condition.
Also I am sorry I wrote a comment that required four different paragraphs. PARAGRAPHS. It’s not like I don’t have a blog of my own or something.
I’d just finished birthin’ #1 and they put him on my chest and hubby is snapping pictures and I say- QUOTE “*THAT* was inside of *me*??!” Yes I did. Not my most eloquent moment ever.
But even after 3 birthin’s- it’s still just weird. Cool- but weird.
I hate to admit this because it’ll be misinterpreted but with my first 2, I lived for movement, but with my 3rd, it just felt weird and amost annoying – tickly, never knew where it was going to come next. None of them hurt me but #3 was unpredictable and as a result I was always tense and waiting.
Oh and I SO related to your whole description of taking a break. Thanks for the laugh.
Fibby McBullshit :). Spell check (that picky bastard) hates your fun name, go figure. A few more weeks with Smalltopus, you say? When is your due date? ‘Cuz the way it sounds, he might be planning an early arrival.
I used to feel gipped that I missed out on the last few weeks of pregnancy, having my water break at 35 weeks.
Now, maybe notsomuch.
I’m pregnant again and can’t help but wonder if I will learn how truly uncomfortable those last weeks will be, and oh my lucky stars, it will be in JULY.
Have you tried Haagen Dazs Mint Chip? It is truly the king of all mint chip ice creams. I ate a pint of it every night the last three months of my second pregnancy. It was worth every gained pound.
I’m just impressed that you can spell chihuahua!! I tried for 15 minutes this morning and couldn’t, even with google’s never failing help.
I never made it past 37 weeks with any of my pregnancies, I can’t imagine how excited you are to see the end so near!!!
Same with me on the ice cream – every single night during my pregnancy. Usually Breyer’s Natural Bean Vanilla with caramel drizzled all over it. Mmmmm… I am literally salivating right now. And wouldn’t you think that a daily fix of ice cream would counteract the horrible, horrible pregnancy heartburn? No, it did not. Perhaps I should have crumbled up my tropical fruit flavored Tums for a topping. Hey, Ben & Jerry, there’s an idea for you. Just gotta think of a cutesy name…
I was where you are over a year ago (with my third).
I ate ice cream every. single. night.
You have EVERY RIGHT to complain. I housed ten -pound children. Once they emerged, I was baffled that they were ever inside of me.
Thank the Lord Almighty that I was induced ten days early with the last two, or I might have gone insane.
Chin up! You will get through this :)
I have to take an extended break after washing my 2 year old in the tub. All that bending, rinsing, wiping.. And trying to give instructions!! Turn this way, now that way… I was sweating last night, and I am only 30 weeks!!! Unfortunately, both previous children had to be induced at almost 42 weeks, so I am probably looking at 3 more months of this fun.. Wow..
Angella, I have new respect for you and I had plenty before!
You are right on. Sometimes my babe will move inside me and I think ‘that’s a baby in there, moving around’ and it blows my freaking mind. And I’m nine months pregnant! With my second!
OMG you hit the nail on the head…I went almost 41 weeks and was about to call thedoctor SOBBING to induce me because I was SO EFFING MISERABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you are soooo fawkin hilarious. I swear.
My two kids were both 9-pounders and they ran out of room the last month. I was quite relieved to be rid of all that kicking to my ribcage. I also remember and can relate to how hard it was to bathe and dress our 4-yr old when I was huge with child in the 2nd pregnancy. Hang in there!
And, I swear I am so claustrophobic because I was 11 lbs 3 oz at birth and encapsulated in my 5′2″ mother, poor thing. I must have been one scrunched up kid!
Sorry, but how old is the average child potty trained? I would think that as soon as their language skills set in, potty training should take place.
Michelle: depends on the kid, really. Language skills don’t necessarily equate to potty readiness. Also, potty training often = ongoing process. Also also, dude, are you, like, giving me shit for my kid not being potty trained at 2.5 years old? Because if so, suck my fat one, as some of Stephen King’s more memorable young characters in Stand By Me say.
How quickly I have forgotten the hell and misery that is the last month of pregnancy. To think that I want to get myself in that situation for a second time makes me question my own sanity for a moment or two. Then I remember the joy of eating an entire watermelon in one sitting and I can’t wait to have an excuse to do it again.
The end is near!
“surely he could just claw his way through if he tried hard enough? Which worries me, because it really seems like he is TRYING VERY HARD.” OMG!!! I felt exactly the same. By the time I got to 39 weeks with my 9lb+ baby I had visions of that scene from Alien…… (not that I’m trying to freak you out or anything there..)
Naomi
PS: Didn’t toilet train my boy til he was really ready at 3 and a bit and it took a whole 2 days to be completely dry, day and night. It is worth the wait to avoid the angst.
Heh heh..Fibby McBullshit..heh heh..:-)
First you kick dog to the curb, and now you are moving poor Riley to a bedroom with no changing table, and a low bed? For shame!!!
heh, sorry, I had to, you left yourself open for that one….lol.
Linda- you are my freaking HERO!!! I don’t care if you poke dog with toothpicks and if Riley still uses a diaper at his high school graduation. I love how you write, I love you twisted sense of humor and I especially love how you just said suck my fat one. Kudos!
Yeah, well, file me under Parenting: How to Suck, because my son was well over three before he was completely potty trained and it was a horrible (and LONG) process and I think I have blacked most of it out now.
g~
Sigh, I do and do not look forward to those ice cream eating days toward the end of pregnancy. It was like a hard core obession during my first pregnancy… I swear both before and after my son was born there were tire tracks from our house to the DQ down the road imbedded. It made me laugh and cry to see the scale climbing up up up! Weeeeeeeee… but it was SO much fun all at once ;)
To those people about the end of pregnancy – yeah sure you enjoy getting kicked in the lungs/ribs by a 6-10 lb baby than talk to me about “enjoying” those last weeks… You feel as big as a house, you just want your bod back and OMG was that just foot that I saw as I talking on phone. Sure it takes your breath away but in a OMG can that placenta possibly hold sort of a way!!!
As for potty training, every kid (and for that matter parent) is different. You just go with the flow and it will happen – as most people told me no kids go off to school without being potty trained.
Sigh, I do and do not look forward to those ice cream eating days toward the end of pregnancy. It was like a hard core obession during my first pregnancy… I swear both before and after my son was born there were tire tracks from our house to the DQ down the road embedded. It made me laugh and cry to see the scale climbing up up up! Weeeeeeeee… but it was SO much fun all at once ;)
To those people about the end of pregnancy – yeah sure you enjoy getting kicked in the lungs/ribs by a 6-10 lb baby than talk to me about “enjoying” those last weeks… You feel as big as a house, you just want your bod back and OMG was that just foot that I saw as I talking on phone. Sure it takes your breath away but in a OMG can that placenta possibly hold sort of a way!!!
As for potty training, every kid (and for that matter parent) is different. You just go with the flow and it will happen – as most people told me no kids go off to school without being potty trained.
Here’s to icecream!!!!!!!
Ice cream is wonderful, but in WI, we have Kopp’s frozen custard! Much more fat & creamy deliciousness! You can get it shipped for a lot of money, but it’s worth it! http://kopps.com/shop/OrderCustardPack.aspx
When we lived on the East Coast, hubby got this for me every holiday! (Christmas, birthday, arbor day,…)
The only thing that would soothe me during the last month or so of pregnancy was a heating pad over my aching, stretched-to-the-brink uterus and a bowl of caramel swirl ice cream with melted peanut butter on top. Every night. Followed by falling asleep on the couch around 7:30.
I highly recommend it. It’s all about survival at this point!
The fear of the baby clawing it’s way out seems very well founded to me. Human skin is only a few millimeters thick. If paper can cut it, why can’t a very dertmined unborn?
I know I’d split like a pair of fat man trousers.
I salute you for your courage.
And how did the cat get up there?
I am caught between having profound admiration for all of you mamas and my vagina slamming shut and hanging up a “closed for business” sign. Yeesh. I’m too much of a wuss to be a mother, I think.
I think you look beautiful and can’t wait to meet Smalltopus!
I also second the recomendation for the Haagen Dazs Mint Chocolate Chip – it’s delicious! They also have some crazy new carmelized pear/roasted pecan flavor that’s incredible as well!
Are you really seeing those flashing stars after the diaper changing? That’s an indicator of high blood pressure – looks as though you may be having the same scenario on your 2nd preggo as the first… maybe smalltopus will be out sooner than you think!
Gentry: JB put the cat up there, much as I sort of enjoy the thought of her levitating.
Martha: no no no no no, don’t even go there! Last OB appt showed totally normal blood pressure, so let’s think happy thoughts on that subject. Happy . . . happy . . . no magnesium . . . no magnesium . . .
If you feel so inclined, check out this website.
http://www.spinningbabies.com/
I know you are having a c-section so some of it won’t apply to you, but parts might be helpful in figuring out what exactly you are feeling, be it an elbow or a case of gum.
You are so funny, BTW. :)
Okay, there’s some stuff that is a bit bossier than I want to advocate there, specifically this part might be useful to you:
http://spinningbabies.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=22&Itemid=32
Hell, I’m only 18 weeks and I’m already eating ice cream every day. Only one scoop, but still. It’s not looking good for later on.
I saw weird things with both my pregnancies and it turned out to be a visual migrane–totally painless but very weird, colorful designs taking the place of normal vision. Then, poof! It’s gone.
Totally weird.
Uh, I was referring to your seeing stars there. Sorry if that seemed random.
I ate ice cream every day when I was pregnant. Then again, My Kid was born the last day of August. In Memphis. Still, calcium right?
I so remember the last weeks of both pregnancies. My first was punctuated by the definately visable turning from breech to normal by my son. Yes, we watched his head go from under my boobs to one side then his butt appear where the head had just been! Freaky! Also, painful as he**! My second son was less movement prone, which was explained at birt when he had the cord around his neck WAY tight. Yes, the movement is nice before 34 weeks, but after, it just sucks donkey ass!
And about the potty training comment above, WTF! My 2.5 year old has known what the potty is for since he turned 2, but since he’s an extremely independent monkey and refused for a month to even look at it, we decided to quit pushing and let him take the lead. He’s almost ready for undies now, but still won’t poop in the toilet! It’s just gotta be on their terms, not yours!
May I say that I am totally jealous of your cute maternity clothes? I have a couple of cute pieces (mostly passed down from my sister). Where did you get your clothes?
I think that’s the whole of pregnancy is pretty bizarre. I mean, yes, natural in the sense that your body does it automatically… but pushing a live BABY out of something that is measured in centimeters… that’s anything but natural, to me. (I can say that because I know you’re having a C-section, right?)
I read in a book (The Hours, maybe?) that women used to be put under general anesthesia during labor, and all I could think was WHY DON’T WE DO THAT NOW? Something about “safety”, I suppose.
I am 17 weeks and one day so far. And after reading this of your pregnancy and Beth’s most recent over at SoTheFishSaid, I’m officially very intimidated and even scared of getting to that point when my belly will have “corners.” *shudder*
Hi Linda, don’t know if you’ll make it this far down the comment list, but I wanted to let you know that I found this site from the link posted by Kara on parent dish, who was trying to tell everyone what a jerk you were by complaining about parent dish. I think you’re hilarious and I’ve enjoyed all your posts, just wanted to tell you that if nothing else, you’ve got another loyal reader out of all the mess. Oh but by the way, I read the Black Chardonnay post and never mind, you stick toothpicks in Dog’s eyes? You’re a horrible person. Actually I’m just resentful because I’m one of the English majors you mentioned. Damnit.
I’m sorry for getting off topic here for a minute, but I want to tell you that I think it is funny that you became part of my sleep experience last night. I was awakened by the slup,slup,slup,slupping sound of our beagle licking one of his body parts and my first thought was of you — and then I had a good chuckle.
My babies should have been named Haagen & Daz. Vanilla milkshakes replaced the solace of a glass of wine. In the bathtub while my son wrapped his toes around my ribcage so he could more accurately put pressure on my bladder!
Now I’m hooked on your blog. Thanks!
Potty training happens when you have worked forever and they finally agree to give it a try. Not a minute before. I thought my boy would be wearing size 5 with a snap crotch! I did switch to pull-ups (from 2 years of cloth) when daughter was nearly here and the huffing and puffing of diaper change was too much.
I had my little guy two months ago and completely relate to your last comments about the “thing” inside your belly. Even after seeing many ultrasounds and then him actually coming out, I still couldn’t come to grips with the fact that it was that baby over there that was in my belly. For sure a small dog or alien or something…but not a baby. Try to enjoy your ice cream eating and crappy last weeks of pregnancy…the mayhem is about to commence! Good Luck!
GOD this made me laugh….and smile out of “getting-it-ness”…I am about 2 weeks behind you and have reached the all-encompassing NEVER-COMFORTABLE-PHASE…and it’s hard…damn hard…and I don’t even have a toddler to wrangle…although I do have a beagle to control (probably almost as bad, true story!).
I had quit ice cream for fear for becoming a full-fledged rhino versus a baby-rhino…but my willpower is waning….
I’m not sure I can make it until February 29th without ice cream….jesus…now I don’t even feel like I can make it until the end of the day..:*)