A long-ass time ago when I was still very optimistic about exercising throughout this entire pregnancy (pardon me while I issue a short, bitter, Edna Krabappel-esque laugh, here: HA!) I bought this goofy Denise Austin workout video, then promptly filed it with our other DVDs and forgot about it. Because I had some very important things to do over the next several months, like seeing whether or not I could eat a whole jar of Claussen dill pickle spears at a time.

I tried it out last night, though, after trying unsuccessfully to find a comfortable position to sit in that didn’t send shooting sciatic pains through my hips or trigger the increasingly hyper Jimmy Leg too much. I finally decided that the only relief I’d get would be through some body movement, and while this made JB very hopeful that it might be BIDNESS TIME, if you know what I mean and I think you do, I informed him that I felt exactly as sexy as a beached manatee, and did he want to get busy with a beached manatee? (JB: “Beggars can’t be choosers.” Me: “Yeah, well if wishes was horses we’d all be eatin’ steak.”)

At first I tried to follow along with an Inhale show, but I quickly discovered that intense non-prenatal yoga isn’t so great when you haven’t been exercising and you’re shaped like a biological practical joke. That whole rapid-fire vinyasa business isn’t designed for people who take ten minutes to gruntingly heave themselves up off the floor, you know?

So I dug up the Denise Austin video and gave it a shot, and it was . . . it was okay. Actually, I felt a little ashamed during the “workout” (really just some extremely low-impact stretching and toning, at least during the 3rd trimester section) because 1) it was so incredibly wussy and yet I felt like it was just right for me, and 2) Denise Austin is relentlessly perky and cheesy and keeps saying things like “Making your body so strong for baby” and repeating the marketing bullet points from her DVD (“Fit and firm throughout your pregnancy!”). She kind of talks to the camera like she’s talking to a dog, which gets a little old (“Good job, you are doing sooooo well, doesn’t that feel so good?”). Power-peppy aggro-cheerleader Chalene Johnston or scary Billy Blanks (“COUNT IT! COUNT IT!”) would be more fun.

However, I slept halfway decently last night for the first time in I don’t know how long. So maybe there’s something to this whole “exercise is good for you even when you’re a beached manatee” theory I keep hearing about. Tonight I’m going to try out a prenatal yoga video I rented from Amazon Unbox (did you know you can download videos straight to your TiVo from there? The future is NOW!), so I’m hopeful that doing some ongoing exercise in some shape or form (JB: “I’ve got your shape and form right chere“) will continue to help reduce some of my late-night restlessness. Because there is only so much pacing a person can do before their husband will suddenly shriek to stop it, stop it, STOP IT BEFORE THE BABY FALLS OUT.

In other baby-related news, BabyCenter has released their Top Baby Names of 2007 list and while Smalltopus’s name hasn’t been on any previous Most Popular lists, it is now. I will be mean and tease-y and give you a hint by saying that it’s in the top 40 names, but remember, I’m not telling yet because I want that particular data point to be revealed alongside a photo of a helpless pathetic newborn so people are less tempted to tell me what a fucking suck-ass name we chose. Anyway, I guess it’s more prevalent than I had suspected, but at least it’s a popular boy’s name, unlike Riley — #76 on the boy’s list, #20 on the GIRL’S. Crap.


81 Responses to “Low-impact name calling”

  1. Christina on January 16th, 2008 7:52 am

    I thought Owen for 1/2 a second until I saw Elijiah and Gavin. I am such a dork I was like what goes better with Riley… me = get a life dork girl!

    I also have to concur that Riley to me is a boy’s name but we knew a Riley and he was a boy sooooo… that is my frame of reference. It sounds boyish to me even just thinking about it. Whatever, I am a dork remember?!

    I have been trying to exercise through the first trimester and it has worked well. My goal is to make it all the way through (this time – last time I made it through the 1st 2 trimesters but the last was like a flippin’ ice cream social) but I have to agree it does make me feel better and I sleep well (other than 50 bathroom visits I make a night!)

  2. Anne on January 16th, 2008 7:52 am

    I say it’s Evan. That’s a lovely name. Modern without being cloying or cutesy.

  3. Amy on January 16th, 2008 8:01 am

    I’m thinking it’s Gavin, although Ethan (like my littlest) would be cool. Even if he’d have the same name as your boss.

  4. Christine on January 16th, 2008 8:10 am

    I guess Mason, which I like. But you’re right no one can hate too much when you attach the name to the wee infant.

  5. kalisah on January 16th, 2008 8:54 am

    Gotta be Austin, Christian, Elijah or Joseph. Those are the names on the list that made the top 40 but weren’t on last year’s top 40. I think that was the criteria.

    Sorry this is probably more guessing than you wanted, given that you’re trying to keep it a secret.

  6. H on January 16th, 2008 8:56 am

    Denise Austin. I used to tape her early morning workout on Lifetime and then do it later in the day, when I was really awake (not a morning person AT ALL.) Although it does seem she knows what she’s doing, the constant perky praise made me feel like I was in first grade and she liked how I colored my picture.

  7. Banana on January 16th, 2008 10:23 am

    Denise Austin has the worst “encouraging” voice. “Sounds like she’s talking to a dog” is exactly how it sounds! She does a show on lifetime and during the work out she keeps telling you “oh, doesn’t that feel great? We’re burning butter. Burning butter here.” The worst.

  8. Miz Robyn on January 16th, 2008 10:27 am

    Wait. I thought you were going to use one of my cats’ names! (Or did I just dream that?)

    I suggest Mister Boogers, but I don’t see it on the list.

  9. kate on January 16th, 2008 10:42 am

    I whole-heartedly agree with keeping the name a surprise until the baby is born. It would take a cold, cold heart to voice dislike for a name paired with a cute, cuddly infant. That being said, I can’t wait to hear what name you’ve chosen!

  10. Brooke on January 16th, 2008 10:54 am

    The name we’ve chosen for our smalltopus hasn’t been on Social Security’s top 1000 in 15 years. I feel pretty confident he’ll be the only D____ in his class, just like my daughter T is the only one in her school.

    On weird Biblical names, my ex-fiance’s son’s middle name is Yahweh. Yeah, that’s the one…the unspeakable name of God. Hubris, anyone? I feel like I totally dodged a bullet there.

    We are not telling our name either and it drives people nuts.

    Can’t wait!

  11. jen on January 16th, 2008 11:07 am

    riley and baby elijah. thats my guess. unless your completely tricking us all and its in the top 100, which wouldnt even surprise me! ;)

  12. Brooke on January 16th, 2008 11:07 am

    Oh, and another thing. Hubby and I call it “playtime” because the walls have ears, and he expressed his hope this morning that maybe I’d be up for some playtime later, but I probably wouldn’t be feeling well, huh? (I’ve got some lurking sinus thing) I told him I felt better today while I was awkwardly stepping into my undies and while I was looking down I heard a barely audible “Yes!”

  13. Felicia on January 16th, 2008 11:15 am

    Holy crap, did you see Jon Stewart last night on A Daily Show? The opening monologue was all about the Jimmy Leg. HILARIOUS!!

    My son’s name is Owen, so I’m totally biased for that, but it obviously isn’t your choice.

    I really liked the Prenatal Yoga with Shiva Rea DVD for my pregnancy. Did it all the way to the bitter end.

    Finally Linda I totally call SHENANIGANS on you about the name not being on the list before but is now in the top 40. The intro to that fake-ass BC list says: “Seven new names have entered the top 100 in 2007: Adrian, Colton, Nolan, Cody, Preston, Jeremiah, and Oliver.” And all of those are in the 90’s. So unless you are totally naming Small a girl’s name which has recently entered the list (doubtful), or BC screwed up their own lists (probable), you are SO BUSTED.

  14. victoria on January 16th, 2008 11:16 am

    I’m glad you’re feeling better after exercising. I really respect you for exercising even though it’s awkward & embarrassing and you’re not feeling super fit.

  15. Becky on January 16th, 2008 11:17 am

    I am totally with you on not telling the name! We figured that since we shared the sex of the baby with everyone the name was “our little secret”.

  16. oregoncoastgirl on January 16th, 2008 1:39 pm

    Darn, I thought for sure it was going to be Joseph, but that’s #41.

    Your hints leave 2 names if you’re talking top 40 comparisons from 2006/ 2007…. god, I am such a nerd.

  17. sundry on January 16th, 2008 1:44 pm

    Ha, SHENANIGANS. Okay, to be honest I have no real proof that STP’s name isn’t on the previous year’s lists, I didn’t actually check to see if that’s true — I just don’t remember seeing it on any top 100 lists before. It probably is, and now I am TOTALLY FULL OF SHIT.

  18. kate on January 16th, 2008 2:30 pm

    I’m guessing Lucas, but maybe just because I like the name.

  19. wwbd on January 16th, 2008 3:52 pm

    Nice Firefly quote!

    Are you a Buffy fan, too? I just made a reference to Buffy in the undergrad psych class I teach and one of the snot nosed punks made fun of it. I almost punched her. I then spent the rest of lecture thinking of witty comebacks while I was pretending to give a crap about whether or not they were actually learning anything.

  20. lisa on January 16th, 2008 6:08 pm

    I got the baby name list from baby center too and was bummed to see that our babygirl name (due in march) that was something like #356 on the last list we saw from 2006 has now made it into the top 100. Bummer!!! Just so long as it doesn’t turn out to be the next “Emma” I’m happy.

    Good luck!!! From a very infrequent commenter, but bigtime reader (in all senses of the 8 months pregnant word!)

  21. Tara on January 16th, 2008 6:36 pm

    Ugh. I used to work out to Denise Austin videos, but I finally decided I COULD NOT TAKE ONE MORE MINUTE of the perky cheese. So I didn’t work out for, like, forever. I love Chalene, though!

    We gave our son a name we loved, one we didn’t think was that prevalent until he was in daycare and there was another infant with the same name. Hmmm. And then the top names for his birth year came out, and his was #11. So much for being different! But we still love his name, and it fits him, so who gives a shit, right?

  22. Deb on January 16th, 2008 11:03 pm

    Rocki’s Prenatal Yoga is also a great super pregnant DVD. And for a few month’s down the line there is a Post-Natal Tae Bo DVD – has a Get Moving Chapter that is only about 10 minutes – was great post c-section when getting up out of the rocking chair is a workout. Netflix has both.

  23. Junni on January 17th, 2008 2:02 pm

    I’m voting for Landon. I love the name, and it also belongs to my little brother. He was born in ’95 when it wasn’t popular at all, so I was surprised to see it on this list!

  24. sophielovespeanutbutter on January 18th, 2008 7:56 pm

    Double or nothing on Landon.
    Good choice, I say. :)

  25. Jenn on January 20th, 2008 12:16 pm

    Oh, I’m completely convinced it’s Mason…

  26. tracing on January 21st, 2008 9:52 am

    Who knew there were so many little baby girl Brooklyns!

    By the way, if you haven’t already, check out your target heart rate – and I strongly recommend a heart rate monitor. You might be surprised at how low a level of activity qualifies as worthwhile exercise!

    I used to think that if I wasn’t jogging and I wasn’t out of breath, it wasn’t exercise… but this is not the case! With my new heart rate monitor I have recently found that I can maintain a “moderate” level of exercise and burn 200 calories in half an hour without ever breaking into a trot – how awesome is that?!

  27. eviedee on January 23rd, 2008 5:53 pm

    Oh god. I TRIED to do a Denise Austin workout but I had to stop because she chirped endlessly about how great I was going to look in my jeans. Anyone who talks about my ass that much had better buy me a steak.

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