Pregnancy status: still pregnant. Blog updating status: surely veering into the “way too frequent” zone.

So! My blood pressure was at the high end of normal (155/85, I think?) at my OB appointment earlier today, which caused them to get a little squirrely and hook me up to a fetal monitor for a while so that Smalltopus could impress everyone with his ability to continually roll out of range of the goopy suction heartbeat-detector thingie. Then they did another blood pressure reading and everything seemed fine. Whuh? I don’t know either. So assuming the bloodwork they did today turns out okay, I’m all good until Monday. Well, except I have to go back again on Friday for another blood pressure and fetal non-stress test. I guess I’ll just keep my packed bag in the trunk of my car for now.

I don’t even have an appointment time for my surgery, I’m just supposed to call Labor & Delivery around 6 AM on Monday and see when they want me to come in. Apparently the hospital’s surgery schedule fluctuates depending on what’s going on — emergency deliveries etc — so it’s hard for them to commit to a specific time before the actual date. I find this mildly disconcerting, since I would prefer to have as many Known Variables as possible so as to more efficiently freak out about them ahead of time. But fine. FINE. It will be a festive Monday morning surprise, hopefully as in “Surprise! We can take you right away!” vs “Surprise! We made you wait all day long and kept telling you not to eat and now that you feel like shit on a stick we’re going to hack into your internal organs with bandsaws!”

Speaking of internal parts, I watched JB slop some fruit yogurt into a bowl the other night and cheerfully told him that it looked like placenta, at which point he whipped his head around and glared at me and hissed, “You did not just say that. You did not.” But yes, I did, because HA! I’m 38 weeks pregnant and although I cannot make you suffer as I do YOU WILL SUFFER NONETHELESS. Oooohhhhhh PLACENTA! Delicious, delicious placenta! Let’s talk more about PLACENTA.

And with that, I am off for my much-anticipated manicure/pedicure. I am thinking of just waddling in there and loudly demanding the trampiest, sluttiest damn color the salon has to offer. Something like “Engorged Labia”, maybe.


50 Responses to “Another thrilling update, but with naughty words”

  1. Lisa B on January 28th, 2008 3:25 pm

    Hee. Take pictures! (Of the mani/pedi results, not the thing which shall not be named. :))

  2. fairydogmother on January 28th, 2008 3:34 pm

    I was still laughing at “and although I cannot make you suffer as I do YOU WILL SUFFER NONETHELESS” as I continued to read through your entry. Once I got to “Engorged Labia” it was all over.

  3. TinaNZ on January 28th, 2008 3:34 pm

    Your blog updates can never be “way too frequent”, and besides you need to go into credit before you get preoccupied with other stuff (e.g. giving birth).

    However, I’m really, really, REALLY sorry I clicked on that placenta link, especially as it’s just coming up to lunchtime. JB, I feel your pain.

  4. Aunt Linda on January 28th, 2008 3:42 pm

    Placenta Pink. Definitely Placenta Pink.

  5. Felicia on January 28th, 2008 3:44 pm

    Here’s hoping STP and your BP both cooperate and wait another week… I’m all about Known Variables too. :)

    Enjoy the mani/pedi… so luxurious.

  6. Naomi the Strange on January 28th, 2008 3:49 pm

    What color is engorged labia? Probably a dark reddish-pink. Hmmm. Also, my sister saved her PLACENTA and kept it in the freezer at my parents house for like, forever, because she was planning on planting a tree with it. Hippie!

  7. Alyson on January 28th, 2008 3:52 pm

    I personally like OPI’s “I’m Not Really A Waitress Red.” Vivid, but not realy trampy. Trampy is electric blue nail polish.

  8. Alyson on January 28th, 2008 3:56 pm

    Placenta RECIPES???? Oh now that is just taking the whole “Earth Mother” crap way too far! What were those people thinking?

  9. Lola on January 28th, 2008 3:58 pm

    My preference is Opi’s “Russian to a Party” comrade.

  10. Trina on January 28th, 2008 4:01 pm

    Oh, you HAVE to get the multi-colored glitter polish over your french manicure if you are going for trampy. ;)

  11. Kristin on January 28th, 2008 4:05 pm

    Haha! What a funny article, and I hope you found the nail color you were looking for!

  12. Naomi on January 28th, 2008 4:06 pm

    And here I was thinking that the link would take me back to your original blog with “keep that placenta out of my mouth” which still makes me pmsl. But noooo….. it had to link with REAL RECIPES. EEEWWWW!!!!! All I can say is “b*gf*ck crazy”

  13. anna on January 28th, 2008 4:15 pm

    Ha! Engorged labia coloured nail varnish – I love it!

  14. stacy on January 28th, 2008 4:22 pm

    good luck with the scheduling – they did the same thing to me, but I was 14 days PAST my due date. they had me stay up, call at midnight to see if possibly they had enough room to squeeze me in that day for an induction. i got in there, all hooked up to the drugs, then got bumped for all the “natural labors” that came rushing through the door.

  15. Vanda on January 28th, 2008 4:27 pm

    It is about bedtime and I clicked on the placenta link. Now I’m going to dream about them eating me.

    Ohhhh enjoy being pampered.

  16. Zannah on January 28th, 2008 4:36 pm

    How funny! Robin Weiss actually a friend of mine, we apprenticed under the same senior midwife.

    As a retired homebirth midwife, I can tell you they were checking to see that your bp can still come down after some relax time. My guess is that they had you lie on your left side. I can also tell you that many cultures around the world do a lot more with their placentas than throw them away. Placentas are the only organs that humans grow and then expell. They are totally cool! An old midwives’ tale is that if a woman is bleeding too much after delivery, she should eat a piece of her placenta to stop the bleeding. I never tried it. Cooked, placenta is supposed to taste like liver. Um, again, no thanks! Oh and the nail color should be placenta red, not pink, that would be scary!

    Best of luck in the coming weeks Sundry! Has new baby gotten a gift for his big brother yet? That was a real help with our big guy when his bro was born. As soon as he met his brother, Little One gave him a set of wooden magnet letter and numbers.

  17. misti on January 28th, 2008 5:11 pm

    I’ve had a bad day until I read this. “Engorged Labia” is quite possibly the funniest thing ever. Also sounds hot and trampy.

  18. Melissa on January 28th, 2008 5:23 pm

    So glad you are updating so frequently! You’ve already gone but I love both Wicked and Berry Hard…close to Engorged Labia. LOL! Glad there were no emergencies at the doctor today. :)

  19. Gentry on January 28th, 2008 5:44 pm

    Before you dehydrate your placenta and chop them up as BacoBits, I personally would like to see a photo. Please include a quarter for scale. Am I wierd?

  20. Lesley on January 28th, 2008 6:40 pm

    Some Youtubey goodness for you, Linda: a perfect storm of grace, skill and reckless stupidity.

    I can just imagine their moms, swelling with pride and large unpleasant ulcers.

    Sure you want boys? :)

  21. Kristen on January 28th, 2008 6:52 pm

    I am suffering from really bad morning sickness right now and should have known NOT to click on the placenta link. Placenta lasagna? Placenta patties?? Glad I have my news best friend, my spew bucket, at the ready.

    Wishing you all the best for next week!

  22. M.A. on January 28th, 2008 7:13 pm

    Good skill, Linda, good skill. You’re in my thoughts and the closest-thing-I-have-to-prayers — can’t wait for L’Arrivale de Smalltipus! Looking forward to pics, but more than that, the wonderful words I know you will share with us that will allow us to be there with you. PS Placenta Flambe. NUM!

  23. jonniker on January 28th, 2008 7:35 pm

    P-p-p-p-people make p-p-p-lacenta JERKY? For real?

    PLACENTA JERKY. (Also, HAHAHAHA, Gentry: BACOBITS. Totally what I was picturing.)

  24. Donna on January 28th, 2008 8:37 pm

    Try to get some rest too at some point mmkay! Keep posting, if you go even a day w/o posting, WE all freak out, and it is all about us, your faithful minions, lol.
    I too clicked on the placenta link, and as usual, they put me in mind of a tote bag, with the cord for a strap. Sorry.

  25. Emily on January 28th, 2008 8:41 pm

    So I have a friend who had a home birth, and unfortunately, she had the baby on a day that was not trash day. Which meant that after the placenta was delivered, the midwife packaged it up all nice and neat and placed it in the freezer. You know, so it wouldn’t stink up the house before the next trash day came around. And wouldn’t you know, trash day came and my friend’s husband went to get her placenta out of the freezer so it could be disposed of properly and the midwife had fashioned the umbilical cord into a heart before freezing it. Isn’t that the sweetest thing ever?

    Too bad you have to have a c-section in a hospital, huh? I mean, you could have Homemade Frozen Placenta instead. Tough luck.

  26. Penny on January 28th, 2008 9:03 pm

    So I learned a valuable lesson.. not to follow links! Placenta receipes? GAG! You should make copies of those receipes and on Friday, casually drop them off in the Dr’s waiting room… I’m just saying.

  27. Danielle on January 28th, 2008 9:46 pm

    OH MY GOSH. No more links!! Ack! :)

  28. andrea on January 28th, 2008 11:03 pm

    Oh god, did you see the video of the couple serving placenta pate to their guests after their daughters birth? I can no longer find the link anyplace, but take my word, if you want to make JB suffer it is a good one to have him watch.

    What shade of polish did you go with? I hope it is somewhere along the lines of “Engorged Labia”. Classic.

  29. biscuit on January 29th, 2008 12:05 am

    Vulva Vixen Violet is my personal fave.

  30. Jen on January 29th, 2008 12:53 am

    Oh God I love you right now.

    I am 38 + 3 and waiting out my first (hopefully natural) birth. So good to know I am not alone. So nice to laugh a deep belly laugh (hi, PLACENTA), even when all I want to do is cry from sleep-deprived exhaustion.

  31. sooboo on January 29th, 2008 1:50 am

    How is cooking your placenta any different than cooking any other bodily product? Why not have stir fried earwax topped with toenail clippings? I mean really. I was raised in Northern Ca and I thought I’d heard it all.

  32. Eric's Mommy on January 29th, 2008 5:30 am

    ENGORGED LABIA!!! That is too funny!!

    I remember towards the end when at every appt. they would send me for a Non-stress test and 24 hour urine collection, where they give you a big jug and everytime you pee you have to add it to the jug. Which is great when you are peeing every 3 seconds, then the next day you have to carry this big jug filled with your urine back to the hospital.

    I can’t believe that Monday is the 4th already. WOW!

  33. Kristin H on January 29th, 2008 6:13 am

    I cannot believe that link. Placenta patties?
    Placenta JERKY? My God, you’d think after I learned what a goatse was that I’d have learned.

    Also! Post = hilarious.

  34. LJ on January 29th, 2008 6:21 am

    How funny! I do believe that just made my morning. Girl you are just too much….. Poor JB! Keep him on his toes.

  35. Paula on January 29th, 2008 6:23 am

    I’m 33 wks pregnant. My personal favorite “gross out word” for around the house is Mucus Plug! He can’t stand it…I use it often. Feel free to borrow it.

  36. Paula on January 29th, 2008 6:23 am

    I’m 33 wks pregnant. My personal favorite “gross out word” for around the house is Mucus Plug! He can’t stand it…I use it often. Feel free to borrow it.

  37. superblondgirl on January 29th, 2008 6:28 am

    Engorged Labia is the PERFECT super-pregnant woman color. Or else Dilated Cervix. That would be a lovely shade of pink, right?

  38. Kim on January 29th, 2008 7:14 am

    I’m honestly surprised OPI hasn’t come out with that color yet.
    My husband is getting a little weary of me updating him on your pregnancy status every day, but he is a kind man so he puts up with it. I suppose it is a little weird, but I can’t help it! It hasn’t happened to me yet; it’s called living vicariously!

  39. SemiDesperate Housewife on January 29th, 2008 10:12 am

    Oh. My. Gosh. How can you be so pregnant and still so witty? Engorged Labia?? When I was that pregnant, I could only grunt at people to bring me food and then go whine, whine, whine online!

  40. moo on January 29th, 2008 10:47 am

    aw, you poor thing. The Not Having Control would drive MY blood pressure up, too.

    Hang in there, kiddo … it’s almost over!

    (BTW, “they” say that mother nature makes us WANT THE BABY OUT at the end so that we’re not afraid of childbirth. Interesting assvice, no?)

  41. Amy on January 29th, 2008 11:52 am

    ohmifriggingod….I am going to get fired I was lauging so hard! My boss just walked by and glared at me. JB deserves it, just for being a boy!!! Did you tell him about the engorged labia?? That would have surely done him in!

  42. norm on January 29th, 2008 12:54 pm

    Your neighbors at Penny-Arcade have covered the placenta issue:

    Cold placenta sandwiches!

  43. JMC on January 29th, 2008 3:13 pm

    Holy crap! I clicked that link, and there were RECIPES!. For PLACENTA! And the shit was FOR REAL! And we were just getting ready to have dinner. Maybe I’ll drop a pound or two by skipping tonight. :)

  44. Keeks on January 29th, 2008 3:33 pm

    Placenta is NOT pink! Try burgundy, very burgundy. Take it from me, a former L&D RN.

  45. biscuit on January 29th, 2008 3:44 pm

    You should bring the placenta home for good ol’ Dog. She deserves it, what with you abusing her + all.


  46. Carrie on January 29th, 2008 5:15 pm

    You cannot update too frequently and the idea of placenta lasagna is about the sickest thing I’ve ever read. Thank you. (I’m having my gall bladder out on Thursday. Any recipes for that?)

  47. amanda on January 29th, 2008 5:58 pm

    placenta recipes…i’ve officially seen it all. haha. :)

  48. Tanya on January 29th, 2008 9:15 pm

    I am going to steal that from you–I can’t wait to inflict such horrible mental images on my husband while he eats! It is a small price for any guy to pay after the chick carries a squirmy little dude around for so long.

  49. Placenta on the Brain « Distracted by Something Shiny on January 30th, 2008 1:27 pm

    […] Yesterday while I read All & Sundry’s post about her upcoming C-section, I made the mistake of clicking a link to placenta recipes, my punishment for which was spending the next 15 minutes throwing up in my mouth as I read about various preparations for what amounts to BABY LEAVIN’S. Now I’ve heard about people and animals eating the placenti (?) of their spawn but to behold recipes boasting notes of nutmeg and cardamom sounded the final death knell on any ideas I may have had about discontinuing use of The Pill. […]

  50. Kerri on January 31st, 2008 11:10 am

    OMG that placenta link was so gross! I am an almost certifiable health nut, and I can’t believe people eat the placenta. I’m feeling a little bit faint just thinking about it. Mlah!

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