We ditched our craptastic Comcastic DVR in favor of a TiVo a while back and I’m sorry to report that the current TiVo system allows a person to record many, many, many shows. I would normally think of this as a beneficial feature rather than a colossal error on TiVo’s part, but apparently TiVo did not consider the effects an enormous amount of television storage space would have on the average American male, and the suffering his spouse would endure as a result.

If you were to turn on my television and browse the options available to you, you would find an astounding selection of shows that cater to the penis. They are targeted for the penis, with names like WEAPONOLOGY and SMASH LAB and DIRTY JOBS. I’m not saying some of them don’t offer appeal to both genders (Mike Rowe, after all, isn’t entirely difficult to watch, especially if you imagine him disrobing after one of his DIRTY JOBS to wash off all that dirtiness) but overall our DVR is dripping with testosterone. If a show has the term NAVY SEALS in it, we’ve recorded it. If it references MYTHS or SURVIVAL or MEGA FACTORIES or NINJAS or BIG HAIRY SWEATSACKS, we’ve recorded it.

If the Discovery Channel would just make a show about factories that manufacture giant guns that smash into each other and blow up before transforming into throwing stars whose top speed must be proven by nerdy velocity experts, JB could condense his viewing preferences to one big annoying series and I could avoid being exposed to this crap on a nightly basis. But NO. Instead, every time I turn on the TV there are more of these shows, and now JB is getting hooked by Flip This House too and OH MY GOD.

Luckily, we both agree that American Idol is some top quality programming. Well, not really — I mean, it’s total junk, the entertainment equivalent of eating a bag of Doritos (with some COCA COLA of course, perhaps consumed while driving a FORD vehicle of some kind) — but we can’t resist. Year after year we start watching the auditions in order to mock the untalented/clueless/batshit-fucking-crazy people, and then suddenly, somehow, like being pulled into a giant undertow made from Simon Cowell’s inexplicable scrub-brush hairstyle and turtlelike facial expressions, it’s too late, we’re sucked in for the entire season.

I would like to point out for the record that JB thinks this girl is going to win. Why? If you ask me, it’s because JB thinks she’s dreeeeaaamy, but he claims it’s because she’s got ‘country appeal’. Hmmm. Sadly, there’s not one cute guy contestant at this point, since they booted the young dimpled cowboy whose innocence I could easily imagine besmirching, possibly while wearing chaps. Ahem.

Why are we watching so much TV these days, you ask? Surely there are children to be attended to? Well, once 9 PM rolls around and one kid is ensconced in bed and the other is collapsed on one of our torsos, watching bad television while eating unhealthy snacks feels like pretty much the height of decadence. It’s the married-with-kids version of a rockstar lifestyle — just, you know, instead of hookers and blow, it’s Les Stroud and Breyer’s French Vanilla.

Lastly:

2265104143_b5d7de6f16.jpg

Is it just me, or have I given birth to a child whose feet are half the length of his body? This kid is going to LOVE the Discovery Channel someday.

Comments

72 Responses to “Target demographic: DONG”

  1. Jill O. on February 15th, 2008 9:29 am

    There has simply not been enough commenting on American Idol. Thus, I need to share my complete obsession with watching circus freaks perform.

    1) JB is crazy to think she’s going to win. Not much talent there. She barely made the top 24. Also, what’s the deal with the cowboy/cowgirl appeal, I mean, Linda, have you not see the AUSTRALIAN!?! He’s simply edible…not to mention the short, adorable kid that lost his voice at one point and has apparently never been exposed to the outside world due to the amount of innocence protruding from his mouth.

    2) That’s all. I need to stop. This IS American Idol, not the presidential race. If only we could get Hilary and Obama to sing love songs and allow 13 year old girls to vote.

  2. Alyson on February 15th, 2008 9:41 am

    Ya know, my Mom would say that “Dylan has a good Understanding.” She loves baby-feet!

  3. anne on February 15th, 2008 10:07 am

    That baby is so freakin’ cute.

    And I don’t say that easily – I am not a mom, I am old, and I generally prefer kittens and puppies (and sometimes even invertebrates) to actual humans.

    Congratulations, Sundry – you have an gorgeous, gorgeous family!

  4. Sundry on February 15th, 2008 10:44 am

    Jill O: our OTHER embarrassing TV addiction, TMZ, informs us that the innocent doe-eyed boy of which you speak actually won STAR SEARCH, among other accolades. He’s full of crap! BURN HIM HE’S A WITCH!

  5. Kristin H on February 15th, 2008 11:07 am

    Ditto on the Australian. Yum.

    Have you noticed that JB and Dylan have the exact same forehead? Look at that picture. EXACT! It’s uncanny. Also: v. cute.

  6. Robin on February 15th, 2008 11:09 am

    I understand about the TV. When the husband is home it is usually what he wants to watch and during the day it seems that we have to watch children television even though 90% of the time they don’t even pay attention. They are very cute feet but I think you should probably buy stock in NIKE now and maybe you could save some money later.

  7. FishyGirl on February 15th, 2008 11:16 am

    mmmm, Mike Rowe, mmmmm (it’s his voice as much as his bod for me – I’d listen to that man read the damn phone book)

    And I can’t wait for Deadliest Catch. I married a bit of a nerd, because I AM a bit of a nerd, so we watch all things Discovery Channel together, plus “How It’s Made” on the science channel. But then I like to throw in Jon and Kate plus 8 and Little People, Big World just to mix things up a bit, and he watches them.

    Yes, we are well matched.

    And Dylan’s feet? OMG, fabulous. Wonderful froggie you got there.

  8. Sunshyn on February 15th, 2008 11:21 am

    Wait a minute – isn’t Kristy Lee Cook the girl who can ONLY sing “Amazing Grace” without bombing out totally? Yeah, that’s her, all right. I like the 16-year-old boy from San Diego – what’s his name? And yeah, Dylan has the biggest feet and longest fingers I’ve ever seen on a baby. Does the rest of his, um, anatomy follow suit?

  9. ginger on February 15th, 2008 11:42 am

    Dear JB: Please stop watching Smash Lab, unless you are doing so for the comedic value. You are too smart for them. (“Let’s drop a car on a bounce house and see if the bounce house will cradle the car.” Um, not so much.) I understand the temptation to watch EVERYTHING now that you have joined the TiVolution. But some things really don’t need to be watched by thinking people. When you’re up in the wee hours, feeding the baby his seemingly 10,000th bottle of the night, you can watch just about anything. Please don’t let it be Smash Lab. It will give you nightmares. Thank you.

  10. SemiDesperate Housewife on February 15th, 2008 11:50 am

    Mmm-hmm, this is the reason I don’t miss having DVR.
    Also, that baby! That baby on your husband’s chest! STOP torturing me with adorable newborn poses, dang it!

  11. Swistle on February 15th, 2008 12:05 pm

    YIKES that’s a cute picture. Good thing, too: my laughing was getting out of hand with all your funnies, but the picture stopped my in my deer-eyed tracks.

  12. Swistle on February 15th, 2008 12:05 pm

    I mean, “…stopped ME…” Still a little stunned from the cute.

  13. Sarah on February 15th, 2008 12:13 pm

    My husband John is *always* DVRing random stuff involving guns or cool tecnhology or new sciency stuff. Just like your JB.

    And? Your little baby is the cutest! I lurv those feet!

  14. Operation Pink Herring on February 15th, 2008 1:54 pm

    Did you know that Mike Rowe is a former opera singer? That makes him even hotter to me.

    I also suffer from the insane quantity of martial arts, engineering, and mythbusting shows… but you can easily even the scales by adding a Season Pass to the second season of The Pussycat Dolls or recording the Gilmore Girls reruns that are on every afternoon on ABCFamily. Don’t ask how I know this.

  15. Donna on February 15th, 2008 2:53 pm

    Ah, yes, Mike Rowe. Me and my dad who was a coal miner for a little while were watching him in a coal mine, and when they blasted, he goes, “I think I just peed a little”, and the both of us just rolled, I love that guy.
    And the crab guys on the boats, love them!
    And all the ones that JB watches? I watch those, the hubby watches Rachel Ray and the blond chick who drinks while cooking, and we are just kinda weird here.
    American Idol? Haven’t caught it this season, both we are both all over LOST.
    That baby has the most precious little feeties. And after everyone chews off his little toes, he’ll have plenty left. I love them.

  16. Josh on February 15th, 2008 4:37 pm

    You’re just jealous because being a man and having a sweet ass dong is so much more fun than being a chick and getting stuck with a box that won’t close and all the problems that come with it. Manliness is the shit, and you know it. We get to do all sorts of fun stuff like fight, work hard, survive, and blow up things that were asking for it. And you get stuck with what? Shows about chicks who always have relationship problems and Dr. fucking Phil. Weak. I have to think that somewhere out there, there are smart people who got stuck with vaginas and still can smell the bull shit coming when they get too close to the channel Doc Philbert is airing on. His words say he’s a giant tool, but his mustache says he went to evil medical school and probably rapes cripples. Honestly I feel kind of bad for the fairer sex some times. If only you could experience the joys of being a dude. But it would probably only make you depressed, so I haven’t really pursued any mind swapping technology. Although I do think y’all lucked out with getting all the boobies. You don’t even use em most of the time. What a waste.

    I will say this though about Dirty Jobs. Besides being the best show ever made in the history of television, Mike Rowe is possibly the manliest man in manville. I’ve got a dude crush on him. If I could have any job in the world, I would be his sidekick on dirty jobs. No lie. I can see why you would want to wash him off personally. He’s a sexy beast. Not quite as sexy as yours truly, but close. (sorry, the wiener makes me lie like that. It’s one of the only downside to being a male. You wouldn’t understand.)

  17. Imstell on February 15th, 2008 5:38 pm

    Have you not discovered the secret to TiVo happiness??? Delete large percentage of tivo’d shows suffering from Testosterone Poisoning when husband is not home. It’s that last part that is the KEY to making this patented program work. One must be s-l-y about it. Delete the oldest in each set one day… the next day take out a few more. Husband will think they are being auto deleted. Better yet, if it’s a “Wish List” auto record you can delete at will with no fear of reprisal. And, saving the best for last, you can actually go into the “To Do List” and delete from there BEFORE THEY EVER RECORD! Mwah-ha-ha!!!!

  18. biscuit on February 16th, 2008 9:15 am

    The Military Channel.
    G4.
    Discovery Science.
    The History Channel.

    These are the dong channels in my household + everyone of them make me wanna gauge my eyeballs out. I myself love some WE TV, but hear a whole lotta garbage for watching it. I need my 1 pussy channel, OKAY??!!

    American Idol is 1 of the slight few shows we can agree on also. Making fun of people is gender neutral.

  19. Kristin on February 17th, 2008 10:49 am

    The reason why you were so hungry during your pregnancy is probably because you were feeding those big feet! He’s very, very cute!

  20. Gentry on February 18th, 2008 5:13 pm

    Dylan looks like he might have some Hobbit blood in him. Y’know, judging by the feet and all.

  21. LauraH on February 19th, 2008 7:17 am

    Somewhere, there is a picture of my husband holding his sliderule up to our newborn son’s feet. They were huge, with monkey toes.

  22. velocibadgergirl on February 21st, 2008 10:10 am

    ZOMG, you are not kidding about the dong-friendly programming, or about Mike Rowe.

Leave a Reply