Yesterday was JB’s first day back to work and my first day alone with both children. Things started off with a bang —or more appropriately, a BLEURGH— at about 6 AM when Dylan horked the entirety of his morning feeding all over our bed, JB’s half-asleep body in particular. After JB left for the office, I managed to get Riley into his clothes and fed before Dylan woke up, at which point I fed the baby and strapped him in the front carrier where he instantly fell asleep. Feeling like SuperMom, I strode confidently down the hall to the living room, where I was assaulted by the reek of toddler poo. I briefly fantasized about a glorious day in the future when at least one kid would start crapping somewhere other than his own pants, and took Riley to his room to change him. Wearing Dylan on my front, I lifted Riley onto his low futon bed and bent over him to deal with his diaper. At some point during this process I felt my back register an Official Complaint, but since I was committed to the task at hand I ignored it, until 5 minutes later back in the living room I tried to pick Riley up to look out the window at a garbage truck outside and my back went, FUCK YOU. (Those of you who issued dire warnings about exercising are probably entitled to at least one loud obnoxious I toooold you so, although I think the problem had more to do with my weak abdominal muscles and overtaxed back.)

My back went out so thoroughly I couldn’t even straighten up. I took Dylan out of the carrier and realized I had another diaper to contend with, so I lurched down to the baby’s changing table while crouched over like Quasimodo. Riley scampered behind, demanding to be put on our bed so he could “sing to Diwwan”. Cute, except I couldn’t lift him, and his reaction to that was to have himself a big old screaming tantrum while I wrestled Dylan’s diaper off. It was only after I had the diaper undone and the baby’s poopy butt exposed that I realized the wipes container was empty, so holding Dylan’s feet in one hand (so he wouldn’t get them covered in poo) I had to flail blindly for the wipes refill package in a drawer, drag it out with one fingernail, and tear it open with my teeth, MEANWHILE Riley had wandered over to the bedroom door and closed it and was now yelling for me to OPEN DA DOOR MOMMY, over and over, and then of course Dylan peed all over everything and in the midst of getting him wiped up and dried and changing his onesie I lunged — still hunched over — to the door for a second to let Riley out, and which point he went to the outside of the door, shut it, and started screaming to be LET BACK IN.

A few minutes later I sent an email S.O.S. to JB, which basically read DOT DOT DOT DASH DASH DASH HALP. And my husband, to whom I do not attribute nearly enough credit on a regular basis, came home from work early to help me, because I was 1) an invalid at that point, thanks to my fubar’d back and 2) halfway to being Britney-level insane.

Today has been better. Which is good, because it is my birthday — 34, my GOD — and all I wanted for my Very Special Day was a little less chaos, thank you very much. Well, that and maybe a dessert containing at least forty thousand calories.


164 Responses to “An inauspicious start”

  1. Kay on February 20th, 2008 2:07 pm

    Happy Birthday Linda! I hope today goes well. I had this experience recently but it was my grandkids. I never had 2 at once, alone. Boy did I ever have the experience. I truly bow down to the Mom’s that do it daily. Good gravy how are they all not Britney’s?
    My back went out an entire year after having my kid. Pinched something or another. All I know is it sucked when I got down on the floor with the baby and had to go around taking care of him like a cow on all fours the rest of the day.
    Good times.

  2. lilfootsmommy on February 20th, 2008 5:22 pm

    Happy Birthday! I’m glad you had a better day today. My back hasn’t felt okay since before I gave birth over a year ago.

  3. Alyson on February 20th, 2008 5:26 pm

    Happy B-day Linda! Hope the back recovers soon. And that you grow a couple extra hands!

  4. Laurie on February 20th, 2008 7:29 pm

    Hey! Happy birthday – not only do we share being a mom to 2 crazy boys, but b-days, too? Well, must be a great day!

  5. veralynn on February 20th, 2008 8:39 pm

    Hooray! Happy birthday! Good luck with your back!

  6. Donna on February 20th, 2008 8:46 pm

    Happy birthday, Linda! And please describe in loving detail The Cake – all 40,000 calories of it. Bite by bite. Calorie by calorie.

  7. Julie on February 20th, 2008 9:27 pm

    Happy, happy birthday, Linda! When I turned 34, I was in very near the same boat as you… a newborn and a 2 year old. A working husband, guilt over the breast-feeding thing not working out (again) and, added to that, a frightening forway into post-partem depression. My parents drove in to “visit” with me everyday for the first 3 weeks until there was finally a light at the end of depression tunnel. Now I marvel at all the amazing independent things our girls can do, the 12 year old and the 10 year old, that WE taught them! I sometimes have a hard time remembering those early, early days, which were exhausting but joyful. But I do know you get what you give. All this work and time you are spending tending to the tots will pay off in ways you may not yet quite be able to fathom! So hang in there. You are doing a great job!

  8. Josh on March 3rd, 2008 1:41 pm

    Well happy birthday Sundry. Sorry it was full of excrement and bodily harm. Hopefully your 34th year will be much more kick ass than your 34th b-day.

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