I keep a pair of pre-pregnancy jeans readily accessible in my closet for the purpose of trying them on every couple days and angrily shaking my fist at the sky when they still don’t fit. Don’t try and tell ME I don’t know how to party. Anyway, I pulled them on yesterday and noticed that for the first time the button actually closed fairly easily and I was all, woo! Then I exhaled, and something Extremely Unpleasant happened in my midsection, where I suddenly had this . . . fleshy innertube, and while that might prove to be a handy flotation device should I be thrown from the bow of a ship into eel-infested waters I think you might call generally call that sort of thing a Glamour Don’t.

I hate this post-partum body stage, it’s so aggravating to not be able to wear hardly any of my regular clothes and while it’s tempting to live in maternity stuff, those really don’t fit either. I was trying to get dressed to go run some errands last weekend and I tried on about forty hojillion different things, getting progressively more frustrated, until I stood in a pile of ill-fitting clothes literally stamping my foot the way Riley does, because jesus, NOTHING WORKED, and I finally draped myself in a giant sweater and a baggy pair of Levis that were about five sizes too big for me before pregnancy and went lurching out the door looking for a defenseless animal to kick.

It seems I’m short on patience for everyone these days, including children, genitalia-licking dogs, cereal-dish-leaver-outter husbands, and my own waistline. GRAH HULK SMASH.

I have been trying to work out fairly frequently, not only to deal with the innertube issue but also to help de-stress and hopefully encourage the ongoing circulation of happy brain chemicals (since my “relax with a two or three fourteen glasses of wine” days are behind me), and while finding the time to do can be a little, ha ha, challenging, it does seem to help. Maybe it’s the endorphins, maybe it’s Chalene Johnson reminding me that I can do anything, by god.

Is there something kind of pitiful about a franchise fitness instructor becoming my personal life coach?

Other things for which I am grateful: fat-free sugar-free chocolate pudding, even if it goes against all that is good and pure in this world, Mylicon drops (not actually sure yet if they make a difference or just fulfill my desire to Do Something when the baby is visibly uncomfortable and freaking out), Louis C.K. stand up comedy videos, and Lululemon yoga pants. Also, the glorious invention of the drive-through Starbucks.


Three Random Conversations With a Toddler

Me (singing, as the dog comes barreling in from the backyard): “Whooo let the dog in? Who? Who? Who? Who?”
Riley: “Daddy let the dog in, Mommy.”

Riley: “Riwwy get inna airplane and fly high in the sky to the farm! Brrm brrm! Go see the moo cow and the chickens!”
Me: “Can Mommy ride in the plane with Riley?”
Riley (looking me up and down): “No, Mommy’s too BIG.”

JB: “Riley, do you want a big spoon or a little spoon?”
Riley: “BIG poon!”
JB: “A man-sized spoon?”
Riley: “Yeah, MAN POON!”
JB: “And do you want jelly on your toast?”
Riley: “Yeah, MAN JELLY!”
Me: “You know, I don’t even want to know what his daycare teachers think we’re teaching him.”
Riley: “Mommy! Mommy! I have a big poon and MAN JELLY!”


65 Responses to “Man jelly”

  1. liv on March 4th, 2008 11:23 pm

    aren’t kid conversations the best?

    listening to my 2.5 year old Peep cracks me up most of each day.

    and when she stops cracking me up, it’s naptime.

  2. thejunebug on March 5th, 2008 3:30 am

    MAN JELLY… oh, that totally made my day.

    Thanks for the laugh. *hugs*

  3. ang on March 5th, 2008 7:21 am

    Thank you. Sincerely, for that.

  4. Jennifer on March 5th, 2008 8:51 am

    It’s official – I need more random toddler conversations in my life – to warm my cold bitter heart! So sweet – thanks for the smile.

  5. Amy on March 5th, 2008 8:58 am

    You know, you totally win the “make me snort my morning beverage out of my nose” award. I think this is, like, the 167th time. :)

    And good luck with the innertube frustration. Working out *has* to be better than not, eh? (So glad I’m not the only one with a secret fondness for alien chocolate pudding!)

  6. Magnolia on March 5th, 2008 9:33 am

    *LOL* Man Jelly..I’m totally teaching my toddler that. We should work to get it on Sesame street!!

  7. Christina on March 5th, 2008 9:33 am

    I made the most delicious guilt-free treat for myself last night using the fat-free, sugar-free Chocolate Fudge Jello instant pudding. I made it as directed on the box – but then I added in a glob of fat-free Cool Whip and made the most delicious chocolate mousse. Mmmm. I am salivating at the thought of it waiting for me at home to accompany me through Idol tonight once the sweet sound of peace and quiet hits at 8pm when DS goes to bed.

  8. Matt on March 5th, 2008 9:59 am

    LOL, Riley is hilarious. Also, Louis CK seems like the perfect stand up comedian for your troubled times…

    “Shut up and eat your fucking fries!!”

  9. Nonacita on March 5th, 2008 12:21 pm

    Thanks for your posts recently. They’ve been making my day. I’m going to offer my husband man jelly when he gets home, just to see the look on his face!

  10. Naomi on March 5th, 2008 2:05 pm

    OH MY GOD! BIG POON AND MAN JELLY! your child is a FREAK! LOL that is soooo hilarious!! :)

  11. Carrie on March 5th, 2008 2:35 pm

    Bwah! Man Jelly just almost made me Lady Pee. That is hilarious! My Daughter is 3 and after (innocently) seeing her Dad’s penis and asking me what it was, has decided that she has a penis too. She is telling all the kids and teachers at her daycare that she has a penis. I have little surprise parental meetings with the director almost daily when I go to pick her up now. Geesh! She’s three! And it’s not like she really has one. Gotta love that toddler talk!

  12. willikat on March 5th, 2008 6:45 pm

    you have mastered the art of describing tiny details. so good. and so dang funny. one time i was at a reading david sedaris was giving, and someone asked him if he ever laughs at himself when he writes. he said “absolutely not.” which only made everyone crack up more. i can just imagine you giggling at these stories as you type.

  13. Josh on March 5th, 2008 7:56 pm

    Well, I do have the man jelly, but I insist my poon is tiny. And yes, fitness instructor as a personal life coach is not only disturbing and pathetic, it’s … well, we’ll cut you some slack since you basically pull off the super mom thing every day. I have to choose a cooler one because I get to sleep every night, and I only feed my pet once a day. (and once every two weeks, but we won’t get into that pet)

    (It’s a big ass snake! Ha! Take that snake fearers! Behold my giant man poon, wait no! I meant manliness! Dammit!)

  14. Animal sex. on July 11th, 2010 3:29 pm

    Animal sex….

    Animal sex….

  15. Hydrocodone. on July 11th, 2010 6:24 pm


    Hydrocodone. Buying hydrocodone without a prescription….

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