Helmets and facial deformities and infant chiropractic adjustments, oh my. I am gripped—GRIPPED I SAY—by a strong desire to change the subject, so . . . hey, do you have plans for Easter, or as my brother-in-law calls it, Jesus Comin’ Out of a Hole Day? JB’s parents are visiting for the weekend and I suddenly realized that JCOOAHD is this Sunday, holy (har!) crap, and I don’t have any bucolic family activities planned. No feasting on spring lamb or traipsing gaily through the (presumably dogshit-free) backyard in search of colorful eggs. We haven’t described the Easter bunny to Riley nor have we put together a basket of goodies for him, which I consider an EPIC FAILURE on my part because I may be a godless heathen but I do believe in a kid’s right to gnaw on chocolate deities a few times a year.

Maybe we’ll just rent Donnie Darko and have him watch it with us. What, it features a rabbit.

Oh, not really. I bet I end up running to the store tomorrow afternoon and buying Riley a basket full of random crap (“Here, have a D-sized battery!”) and some cellophane grass which the cat will probably choke on. And hopefully so, because I have decided that a 4 AM wakeup call from someone other than Dylan is currently punishable by DEATH.

What do your weekend plans include?


67 Responses to “JCOOAHD”

  1. jonniker on March 21st, 2008 3:29 pm

    The doomsday talk is cracking me up perhaps more than it should. I can’t stop laughing at the “ZOMG NO EASTER GRASS” talk. I’m SORRY.

    As for my plans, they involve, yet again, touring Vermont and figuring out where the hell I live. It’s like second verse, same as the first around here.

  2. Lesley on March 21st, 2008 4:00 pm

    If you have a Daniel Le Chocolate Belge store, I recommend the peanut butter stuffed Belgian chocolate rabbits. I’ve eaten several so far. Wha? They’re small!

  3. Lara on March 21st, 2008 4:28 pm

    Oh, oh, I just thought of a fun Easter thing to take your mind off the killer grass!

    I grew up in a very non-religious household. Easter was all about the Easter bunny and chocolate. Still is.

    Anyways, one Easter morning when I was really little my dad woke us up cursing and yelling. We asked “what? what?” and he said “That god damned Easter Bunny! He crapped all over the house! Dammit!!” etc. etc. And he showed us: there was a line of little chocolate turds from my room all the way into the living room, where line ended in great pile of Easter Bunny Turds.

    Still cussing out the dirty rabbit, my dad bent down, grabbed a handful of turds and… ate ’em.

    My brother and I were struck dumb.

    But it was ok. You see, the Easter Bunny craps Glossette Raisins.

    One of those things I will always remember.

  4. Amy on March 21st, 2008 4:30 pm

    I started yesterday by dressing up as the EB for my son’s preschool…3rd year in a row! And neither of my boys have figured it out yet…it’s just a hood with ears and some face paint. In any case, it was really fun to get dressed at work this year and then hop in the car and drive through downtown on my way to the preschool. I love fuckin’ with peeps. Eggs tomorrow with one grandma and more eggs on sunday with the other one. They should be in a royal sugar coma by sunday afternoon!!!!!

  5. Meagan on March 21st, 2008 4:32 pm

    LOL you rock. If it makes you feel any better, the selection might be crap but there WILL still be candy and cheap ass lead rich toys at any drugstore the day before Easter. I went out and made a basket for my boyfriend last year because I’m a freak, but mostly because I wanted to steal his Cadberry eggs and jelly beans. (the calories don’t count if they belong to someone else. New rule.)

  6. wordygirl on March 21st, 2008 4:44 pm

    We are currently in holiday limbo. We were going to go to the Sunshine Coast to visit my sister and her two adorable boys, but another visitor – Mr. Flu – got there first. And being 34 weeks pregnant, I don’t really want to risk getting my own visit from Mr. Flu. So we might just stay home and binge on our own damn chocolate. Not very festive, but safer, I suppose.

  7. ikate on March 21st, 2008 5:00 pm

    My co-worker and I officially renamed Sunday the “Adults in Bunny Suits Freak My Shit Out Day” earlier this week. I mean, after Donnie Darko, doesn’t everyone get chills when they see the Easter Bunny (kind of like the chills you get when you see a freakin’ clown)?

    We re-named it in honor of a super-fanatic co-worker who worships at the paw of the Easter Bunny. Honestly, her kids are teenagers and she actually makes rabbit paw-prints on the grass outside leading up to the door (I guess when you live where there is still snow on the ground at Easter this works on little kids). She’s also a regular church-goer, so I tried to get her to explain what a scary guy in a rabbit suit has to do with Jesus Comin’ Out of a Hole but she had no answer. Anyway, she plans for this day for months and we spent the week making fun.

    As for us, other than some already purchased Reese’s Eggs and Cadbury Eggs it will be like every other weekend.

  8. Amber on March 21st, 2008 8:38 pm

    *Dying eggs Saturday morning
    *Egg hunt at the school Saturday afternoon
    *Brunch at Salty’s in Portland Sunday at 8:45
    *11:30 Sunday service at church
    *Followed by a 2 hour nap in front of the TV

    My son is nine and I never do the whole jellybeans and grass thing since my parents insist on getting him a basket. I just buy him a couple of small toys, put them in a basket and they usually entertain him throughout brunch. The last thing I need around the house is more candy…hell, we still have Lifesaver storybooks left over from the boy’s Christmas stocking!

  9. danielle on March 21st, 2008 9:39 pm

    Friends coming over tonight, and lots of hunting for stupid plastic eggs filled with crappy candy the rest of the weekend. Sounds like fun huh? I think I’d like to crawl back under the rock I came from. :)

  10. Sara on March 21st, 2008 10:51 pm

    But I was going to tell you about my shaman who can wave his…okay, not really.
    I know what you are saying about Easter. We don’t really celebrate, but I still feel like honoring spring (and chocolate!). Our daughter is allergic to dairy and so she’ll get books and a Pez dispenser (she loves that chalky stuff).
    WTF with the cat? Luckily, our cat wakes up my husband, but she used to “knock” on our daughter’s door to wake her up if he didn’t get up to feed her.

  11. Kim on March 22nd, 2008 7:26 am

    As my husband’s family’s lone Jew, I somehow talked him into going to church with his parents tomorrow. I have no idea why, except maybe I’m an ass-kisser? I then had to stress out over buying a suitable dress (thank God for Target) and now I don’t want to go.
    The food will be good though.

  12. Taryn on March 22nd, 2008 8:48 am

    i know this sounds hokey but you should play charades with your family. i have done it with my family a few times and we always end up laughing hysterically. also, i LOVE the game Scattegories. if you don’t own it you should buy it. makes for lots of laughs too.
    for my own easter sunday, i am thinking about finishing painting my sunroom. i have 3 walls with a wet sand color and the big wall is going to be chocolate. either that or work in the yard.

  13. Lawyerish on March 22nd, 2008 9:03 am

    Well, I *was* going to go to church and then make a lovely Easter dinner for several of my friends, who are all “holiday orphans” like me, in that they don’t have family nearby.

    Unfortunately, my grandmother passed away yesterday, so this afternoon I’m flying out to Iowa to be with my family, who are also coming in from all over the place. We’ll go to church tomorrow and then have some kind of Easter egg hunt for the kiddies (during which time I will try not to be bitter that we don’t have our kiddie yet), and then I imagine we’ll have a large meal and drink a lot of wine and be loud and boisterous as we celebrate my grandmother’s life. The funeral will be on Tuesday.

  14. Sarah in LA on March 22nd, 2008 11:48 am

    I get paid to sing in church. So far this week I’ve been to church three times, with one more service tonight, and THREE tomorrow (Easter).

    God help me.

  15. Heather C on March 22nd, 2008 1:12 pm

    My husband and I moved into our new condo yesterday, so our easter weekend will consist of digging ourselves out from under all these boxes. How did we get so much stuff?

    We joked about hiding Cadbury eggs in the boxes, but we probably won’t be finished unpacking for a while. Other than that, Easter has been so far off my radar this year that I forgot about it.

  16. Josh on March 22nd, 2008 1:47 pm

    Well, I had to work Friday, which seemed pretty evil and soulless of my faceless corporate masters. Even the morning radio guy was like, “Well there’s absolutely nothing to report. All the roads are moving freely and there are no accidents. In fact, almost no traffic at all. I guess everyone is home enjoying their vacations. Teh colliseum might get congested with tailgaters this afternoon, but otherwise everyone have a great holiday.” Fucker.

    So Jesus-got-fucked-over-by-his-dad day was shitty, except I had a nice little e-date with my woman. JCOOAHD is looking a lot like drink-a-shit-ton-of-beer day. I have absolutely no plans whatsoever. I will tell you, on friday they had this thing called the full contact easter egg hunt, which basically meant 105 men and 105 women got thrown in a field and had to duke it our for 105 seconds (guess what frequency the radio station that organized it was on?) and they got a bunch of free beer and spa days and hi definition TV’s. I figure it’s hard to make easter any cooler than a liberal smackdown in the name of greed. I don’t really eat chocolate, but I figure I’ll bust out a Cadbury creme egg or something in celebration of magical bunnies that poop chocolate eggs in celebration of Jesus’ death and rebirth as a holy zombie. (what the fuck were holiday makers in history smoking, for real, cause that’s just a crazy fucking thing to celebrate) I assure you, peeps are out. No more peeps go down my pie hole for EVER! Nasty sons of bitches. They can go hang out with candy corn in the loser section of candy world.

  17. sundry on March 22nd, 2008 1:52 pm

    I have never disagreed with you more, Josh. Candy corn fucking RULES. My god, man, comparing Peeps to candy corn? BLASPHEMY.

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