For the past month I have been working out nearly every day. I alternate between a bunch of Turbo Jam DVDs and various exercise programs I rent from Amazon Unbox (primarily Tae Bo, although I just tried a Crunch Boot Camp video that featured totally cheesy people but was gratifyingly ass-kicking), and I do strength training with hand weights.

I have also been dieting. No, I haven’t been “making good food choices for a sensible long-term healthy eating plan”, I have been fucking dieting and there’s a difference you know. I mean, when you’re eating rice cakes and baby carrots on a regular basis it’s a DIET. When you are using a measuring cup to dole out food portions it’s a DIET.

All has not been in vain; I’ve lost almost 10 pounds and all sorts of muscles are re-emerging on my body. This morning I saw a deltoid AND a triceps. On the same arm! And I am not even lying when I tell you my ass has moved north by at least three-quarters of an inch. My whole ass, for real. I guess all those flailing back kicks are doing some good, although I don’t know if I’ll ever stop feeling like a brain-damaged donkey when I do them.

HOWEVER. Despite the Tae Bo Ab Workout, the Turbo Jam Ab Jam, and countless minutes spent shooting murderous glances down towards the pillowy flesh erupting from the top of my jeans, my midsection remains a post-baby trainwreck. Things are loose, things are wrinkly, things are abundant in nature. I don’t even know what all is going on down there, whether it’s leftover fat I need to burn off or if the muscles themselves got stretched out and wonky and are unable to perform their assigned Containment Duties or WHAT.

I thought I’d torture myself by trying on my Joe’s Jeans and um . . . well, here’s how they fit at the moment:
jeans0308.jpg

Maybe it’s hard to tell in that photo but the only way I could button those sumbitches is if I were willing to be rescued by a team of firefighters using the Jaws of Life afterwards.

Here’s a tantalizing side view of my, ah, protuberance, and jeez I can’t believe I’m posting this:
bellarghhh.jpg

(Um, pardon the explosion of laundry visible in the background there.)

(Also, isn’t it funny how body image changes so drastically during and after pregnancy? If I were 20 weeks pregnant I would be THRILLED to show you that picture.)

(Also also, keep in mind that shows everything stuffed into a snug pair of stretchy pants, for all of our comfort levels I will spare you the bare-skin photo.)

(THUS ENDETH THE PARENTHETICALS.)

I know it’s only been a couple of months, I’m just feeling very very impatient to lose the Buddha Belly and be able to wear my clothes again. I also have this growing worry that no matter what I do, the belly is what it is: a vacated domicile that sustained some long-term damage from the last tenant. I should have taken out renter’s insurance! Or, you know, I maaaaaaybe shouldn’t have eaten my own weight in ice cream on a daily basis through the last half of 2007.

PS. First person to say “nine months up, nine months down” has to change a poopy diaper. And he’s been working on a BIG one all morning.
bebeelv_0308.jpg

Comments

79 Responses to “Ready to lose this jelly”

  1. Mrs. Breedorf on March 27th, 2008 8:49 pm

    Uh, this entry kinda made me want to heave myself off the couch and go KICK YOUR (CUTE) ASS. But I am eating Oreos instead. Jeez, woman. Give yourself a freaking break. I’m rolling my eyes over here.

  2. Chris on March 27th, 2008 9:38 pm

    you are fucking amazing. you look fucking amazing. your drive to regain your pre-baby body is fucking amazing. you’re family is fucking amazing…

    and I don’t know what Joe’s Jeans are anyway.

  3. Rachel on March 27th, 2008 9:42 pm

    You know what I found out? I had a hysterectomy (long story) three years ago at the age of 30; I am also the veteran of three c-sections. After each baby, there was this — protuberance is a good word — that lasted for WEEKS. I thought it was all baby-related until I had the hysterectomy, which is essentially the same surgery except you get to put your feet up afterward and relax and get waited on instead of dealing with a newborn, a preschooler, and a raging case of PPD. After the hysterectomy, I had THE SAME PROTUBERANCE even though my abdomen had been relatively flat before and there wasn’t even a slowly shrinking uterus in there. It was damaged tissue that was all freaked out and swelled up and whatever, not baby weight, and it took a long time to go away. So take it easy on yourself. Don’t assume nine months, but sheesh, don’t assume two months either. You’re doing FABULOUSLY. (You’re also making every other woman on the Internet who’s ever had a baby feel woefully inadequate, but that’s neither here nor there.)

  4. confiance on March 27th, 2008 9:44 pm

    As a college student with classes only three times a week who still cannot find the time to get myself to the gym? Color me impressed.

    Also, he looks so very serious in that picture. He clearly takes his poop production tasks very seriously.

  5. nonsoccermom on March 28th, 2008 6:50 am

    I’m 13 weeks postpartum with my second, and unfortunately I still have the belly pooch myself. I discovered last night that while I can button a pair of prepregnancy jeans without too much trouble, the muffin top is still quite plentiful. And scary. If I remember correctly, though, the problem really does resolve itself eventually. Although apparently not after 3 months. And props to you for having the motivation to exercise, about the most I’ve been doing is walking the dog.

    By the way, Dylan is absolutely adorable.

  6. KJ on March 28th, 2008 7:27 am

    Tangent: Has anyone told you how CUTE that baby is? I mean, with his little Vampire hairline and all? Awesome.

    Also – I’m not a mom and have no advice to give on the belly-war, except *hug*, and I dunno… keep at it!

  7. Sarah on March 28th, 2008 7:33 am

    I have to say your ass looks great and so do your legs. But, just do be a Debbie Downer I am now 1 year pp and even after doing weigh watchers, losing 40 pound and am now a size 4 again (OMG, haven’t been that since my freshman year of college) I still have a large Buddha belly. It still hangs over my c-section scar (I had 2) and is all squishy, and wrinkly and covered in stretch marks. I am seriously considering a tummy tuck.

  8. Misguided mommy on March 28th, 2008 7:45 am

    I’ve been going through this same shit over on my weight loss blog
    http://phatsophotos.blogspot.com/
    All my friends are losing weight and getting flat tummies and I’m losing weight and getting a jiggly fat drooping sagging tummy wtf. not to mention the skin around my belly button is kind of sagging down while my belly button is still way up there saying ha ha ha I’m not budging just so you can see how jelly like your belly skin really is.

    I’ve also decided to accept that this isn’t going away and I’ll just attach a maternity waist band to all my skinny jeans.

    Scuse me I have donuts to eat now!

  9. Anonymous on March 28th, 2008 7:46 am

    I am 9 months pregnant with #2 and feeling all the same worries about loosing this baby weight. But MAN! I hope I look like you 2 months out! You look AWESOME. Look at your little legs and your bottom! So good looking! And quite honestly, I think your tummy area looks GREAT for 2 months out. Great for anytime really.

    I know it sucks to hear, but it just needs time to get flattened back down.

  10. alfredsmom on March 28th, 2008 7:46 am

    Woops. I’m anonymous at 7:46am. sorry!

  11. Fay on March 28th, 2008 8:07 am

    This isn’t intended to be nearly as snarky as it looks at first glance… just check it out.

    http://kateharding.net

    (dieting is bad for you)
    (ducking)

  12. Amy on March 28th, 2008 8:34 am

    That’s a pretty freaking awesome picture of Dylan.

    I don’t know what to say, except that your progress thus far is inspiring and I fully remember loathing the post-baby belly the first time around. I doubt I’ll feel any better this time. It did go back to something approaching normal (as long as I wasn’t wearing a bikini) the first time, though. Your stomach a year ago was so taut it was a little frightening–maybe that bodes well for #2?

    And thanks for answering Sarah Lena’s question–it’s mine, too, if preemptively. I’m doing okay at working out while I’m pregnant, but I just can’t imagine finding 45 whole minutes with a newborn and a 3 year old. The idea to just break it up into smaller segments is a great one.

  13. pam on March 28th, 2008 8:45 am

    you look awesome. just be glad you aren’t trying to rid yourself of a triplet c-section belly. blegh.

  14. annie on March 28th, 2008 8:48 am

    You’re doing more than the rest of us! Keep up the fabulous work! I have a really nice elliptical machine at home that I used to jump on to watch Desperate Housewives and other brain-candy… haven’t touched it since my little monster was born five months ago. Maybe I can blame the writer’s strike? I love finding other people to blame for my failures… ;-)

  15. laughing mommy on March 28th, 2008 8:50 am

    Hey, Dylan looks suspicious in that picture… just like his big brother! Awwwww!

  16. Jen on March 28th, 2008 9:14 am

    I will say first thst you look awesome – but will also say that it sucks when your clothes don’t fit. Sucks major donkey balls. Doesn’t matter why. It just does. But you’ll get there!

  17. Melanie on March 28th, 2008 9:22 am

    Ditto on the girdle thing… it worked for me! I know they tell you not to wear anything tight, but it held all my “stuff” in place so it could heal where it was supposed be instead of hanging down where I didn’t want it to hang!

  18. amber on March 28th, 2008 9:50 am

    This is soooo funny and perfect in virtually every way. AND THAT FACE. Good god, I’m guessing that kid has character to spare. Of course…these things run in families.

  19. Leigh on March 28th, 2008 11:48 am

    Oh fuck, I forgot you had a c-section. Woman, come down to SF so I can slap you. You look great. It took me about a year to get into my pre-preg jeans. Oh and I had a vaginal birth. I exercised a lot but didn’t diet. Forget my Pilates reco until you have had a little more time to heal.

    I promise that when you are running after both Dylan and Riley any excess weight will fall off.

  20. H on March 28th, 2008 12:03 pm

    In the bottom picture, Dylan looks like a cute little Elvis ready to burst into song. All he needs is the hair.

  21. brenna on March 28th, 2008 12:08 pm

    I’m more of the nine-months-up-2years-down camp, but I don’t like to break a sweat so, c’est la vie

  22. Jess on March 28th, 2008 2:59 pm

    Forget the jelly — Where’d you get those cute pants?! Let us know!

  23. Christina on March 28th, 2008 5:42 pm

    I say 9 months up two-three years down but that’s ah just me…

  24. Tracy on March 30th, 2008 10:15 am

    You got the skinny pants on didn’t you? That is huge in itself.

  25. emily on March 31st, 2008 9:26 am

    You look awesome! AND I look like you at 10 weeks pregnant (not 20), so now I am even more sad. Someone may have mentioned this but I was recently told that with a C-section, it takes 8 months for the stomach muscles reform and it is impossible to get results before that. I haven’t done the research, but it may be worth it?

    Hang in there, you look fabulous!

  26. Josh on March 31st, 2008 9:10 pm

    First of all HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Those tights cracked me up. Second, you just popped out a fucking living person from your bellah, so cut yourself some slack alright. Shit doesn’t happen overnight you know. You’re doing just fine. (snickers again at tights)

  27. marilyn on April 1st, 2008 2:03 am

    Saw this and thought of this entry — particularly number 2, about not killing yourself with your expectations — http://www.firstourselves.com/first_ourselves/2008/03/4-ways-to-be-ki.html

    I’ll just add to the chorus that you look completely badass, your pictures of the kids are consistently painfully adorable, and you make me laugh just about every day. You’re doing pretty good, I think!

  28. superblondgirl on April 3rd, 2008 4:21 pm

    Well, your ass looks good in those jeans, girl. There is that, at least. And, ummm… I’m not changing diapers, so I’m not saying anything.

  29. tracey on September 15th, 2009 4:11 pm

    go girl i do those workout to i was 168 now i am 115 i been doin it about a 1year n7 moz now but my bell i still have a lil one itz get hard to lose it now at least itz not that big nomore my was fuckin big but u go girl u can do it

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