May
8
To Dylan: If you keep refusing to sleep, even though you are bone-tired and yawning and rubbing your eyes, it will make you act even more horribly than you are, which is pretty fucking horrible. You don’t want to eat, you don’t want to be held, and you sure as shit don’t want to be put down, and the noise spiraling from your cry-hole is making my eardrums bleed. DO NOT LIKE.
To Riley: You know what? When you randomly drop toys all over the house all day long, you are bound to lose something. No, I don’t know where the hell your tiny plastic ladder is, and I’m sorry life has become such a shit sandwich as a result but I am frankly sick and tired of hearing about it. Is it really worth all the screaming? The loud, loud screaming? Your wailing and garment-rending is even more brain-burningly annoying than your brother’s, and I am seriously considering cramming both of you in the outgoing mail with “SIBERIA: OUTER” stamped on your asses.
What time is it? Why, I believe it’s ENFORCED NAPTIME. Booyah, motherfuckers:
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102 Responses to “A different sort of newsletter to my children”
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I also write here:
OK - know how you day is going. Bet you are glad you are at home instead of work. My day sucks, but nearly as bad as yours. Keep your chin up - it might get better after ENFORCED NAPTIME is over.
I’ve always loved reading your blog, but I have to say that after reading this one, I heart you even more :) Your honesty rocks - now go have a drink…or seven - sounds like you deserve it.
I’ll I have to say is: DITTO.
Love it. Some days when the Dictator decides to skip his nap I make him sit in his room for my own ENFORCED MOMMYTIME. Although when he hauled his 26 pound ass out of his bed at 530am today I was not too impressed. What happened to 830am?
I feel your pain, and I adore my video monitor as well - going to have to get a second one.
Brilliant idea!
A friend’s baby does the same thing Dylan does and her nanny calls it “fighting the woke” - don’t fight the woke, little man!
If only kids knew how precious naps were. I would take a life for a forced nap!
Also: look at Parent Dish’s cute new logo! Maybe the cuteness will scare away all of the assholes…
I love that you called your kids motherfuckers. That’s some funny shit right there.
I am looking at the same scene on my video monitor, but at least today I didn’t have to ENFORCE naptime; he wore himself out with only a little grumpiness. But I feel your pain, and some days my little man spends “quiet time” (which just means I turn the volume all the way DOWN on the video monitor) in his crib whether he sleeps or not.
HA HA HA HA. Wow, that sucks, but that post sure was funny!!
Hopefully things will be better post-enforced nap…good luck.
Yay for video montiors! Yay for enforced nap time!
I hear you about the 2 year old tantrums. I’ve heard crying so much these last couple of days that I’m having a hard time mustering up any sympathy at all. When she cries because she dropped her blankie and cannot find it, even though I’m pointing right at it… yeah, not sympathetic.
I sort of wish you had posted this at PD just so I could read the comments! Did you happen to ask Riley if he checked his ass for the ladder? I have been guilty of that. And it sounds like Dylan might be coming down with the illness in your house. Solidarity sister!
I love you Sundry
((STANDS AND APPLAUDS))
I am so with you on this one, especially 4 days ago.
And this? This is why we love you so.
My 4 YO whines ALL THE TIME about the toys she can’t find and it drives me up the wall! And she is so relentless - she’ll just keep following me around, asking over and over and over until I get fed up and send her to time-out or “enforced naptime”. I’m all about that too, baby!
The other day my 16month old was awake for only 45 minutes before I couldn’t take the crabbiness and put him down for his morning nap. It was beautiful (and left the monitor off. cry all you want, you’re going to sleep)
I was gonna tell you to check his ass for his ladder. Kids sure do suck the big one.
I triple Dog (get it?) dare you to post this EXACT blog on Parent Dish.
They “outed” Siberia? I always knew that was one oddly flamboyant wilderness area. That puts a whole new spin on the Gulags.
Yes, I’m just kidding.
Oh dear. And I thought I was having a bad day.
My 3 year old grqandshild always tells me she isn’t tired. I tell her, her being tired has nothing to do with taking a nap. I’m the one that needs the nap and I’m too busy so she has to take it for me. Loved the post!
You know growing up I thought for the longest time that my name was Goddamit and my sisters name was Jesus Christ. Mom threatened to sell us to the gypsy’s is that kinda like Siberia?
And I quadurple dog dare you and I wish send you a 25 dollar gift certificate to Star Bucks if you post this on your other parents blog.
I want to watch the other freaky earth mothers flip out:)
Muhahahah — can I borrow: Booyah, motherfuckers?
Speachless- you are killing me.
Im so glad you called them motherfuckers- that makes me feel, normal.
I took my baby to the Dr today and she asked what brings you here- I said- Hes being a shit, he must be sick. She laughed, he is not sick.
It is such a relief to know that my kid is not the only one who expects her mother to know where every little piece of every little toy is, at ANY GIVEN TIME.
Oy, I am sorry. I hope this improves… AND OMG HOW OFTEN HAVE EVERY PARENT EVER FELT THIS WAY!?!?!?
pissing myself laughing….parenthood can be a bitch sometimes,eh???
This is the most hilarious post you’ve ever written to date. “Shit sandwich” is a priceless phrase, that I will now look forward to using.
…. so glad i don’t (and never will) have kids… haha. thanks for reminding me.
Since when did you get so sentimental? ;)
Seriously, laughing my ass off. It’s always funnier when it happens to someone else (sorry).
When you thought about what motherhood would be like, did you think its sweetest moments would include triumphs over your children punctuated by cries of “Booyah, motherfuckers!”
Parenting is so very hard. Understatement of the… ever. Especially these young years. And I know you didn’t mean to call them that. Ok, maybe you did. The reality is that it’s hard. It kind of makes my stomach sink though when I see the kind of commenters you attract on these kinds of posts. I personally think you’re better than that. Sorry if that sounds harsh, and maybe I shouldn’t read here if stuff like that offends me, because I know that that’s what is coming my way. Had to say it though. I really do love your writing, style and honesty though, in general.
I worship you.
Long time reader, first time commenter. Love your writing! Hi-freakin-larious :-P My reason for finally commenting is to ask about your amazing looking video monitor. I’m thinking that once my 2 year makes the big move to a “big girl bed” that I will NEED to see what in heaven’s name she is doing. Lol. Do you like your video monitor? Are there any cheap ones out there that make it worth it?
Hahahaha, screw the monthly newsletters. I compose bulletins like this almost HOURLY.
You remain, as ever, awesome.
My son is 5 and I still enforce quiet time for an hour on Saturday and Sunday. He has to be in his room and play (relatively) quietly from 1-2 so that I can lie down. I’m wondering when the need for quiet time ends with kids - when they leave home to go to college??
You know what, Coco, motherhood is monotonous, unglamous and downright hard mixed in with moments of total joy and happiness. If you can’t laugh at the tough stuff, you won’t make it through to the other side where we get to torment them with tales of their childhood to their friends.
You rock…hope tomorrow goes better. My best friend called her 3-week-old infant son a jerk yesterday when he would not!stop!crying!
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!
I’m with Stacy — would love details on that video monitor. What brand is it? Are you happy with it?
Hell yeah Linda!
LMAO! Girl I feel your pain (and I’ve only got one). Serbia: Outer - tee hee.
Seriously though, the humor makes is that much more bearable. Glad you make is sound so funny.
Funny… I have a 13 year old and a 16 year old that act the same way. I ask them on a daily basis if they are smokin’ the crack and they are old enough to understand… I think…
Hilarious. And OH HOW I FEEL YOUR PAIN.
Someday/ some moment soon, they will seem cute again. Amazing but true.
Too funny, and I would love you to post this on PD so I can sit back and laugh at the comments.
Wow. Thought you were funny and acerbic right up until “SIBERIA: OUTER” and calling your kids motherfuckers.
Yes, being a mom is one laugh among hours or crying, screaming, wailing, diaper changes and one-way food fights.
But there’s no excuse–even in jest–to call your children motherfuckers.
Please dont have any more children you can verbally abuse on teh interwebz.
THANK YOU SWEET, SWEET LINDA!!! I so needed to read this at this very moment My 3yr old is driving me nut’s lately, and I feel so bad for being “angery mommy”. So thank you!!!
R, you might want to just go wring your hands in a corner, and not bother the grownups, OK? Also you might want to find out what abuse really is before you throw that word around so loosely.
Sundry, I got a good laugh out of this one, thanks. Brings back memories. When one of the girls got overtired as a baby, we could hype her up until she cracked and then she went to bed. The other girl was pretty much hopeless sleep-wise, but at least she learned to pad around the house at night quietly without waking anyone.
Hey, Swistle already wrote my EXACT comment.
One more for good measure: HA!
Oh god, one day at a time. That’s how I roll.
I hope those cute little monsters take it easy on you soon!
Hmmm, looks like some of the PD commenters have made their way over here already.
also, where are these trollific commenters coming from? have i missed them in the past on your other HILARIOUS AND TRUTHFUL entries or are they a new and annoying fixture here?
“don’t have any more children to abuse on the internet…”
WTF?!
Uh oh. What happens when they stop napping???????????????????????????? Mine did and it’s hell from there on out.
I think Riley’s ladder might just be up Coco or “R”’s ass! Have someone take a look.
Parenthood is the most difficult thing ever. Having a good laugh about it gets you thorough. Abuse??? WTH??? Save it for someone who really IS abusive.
Good god, when my kids were babies and I took them to the doctor he gave me cough medicine with codeine and told me to give them some when “they are tired and too cranky to sleep”. Although I can’t say it about my kids, I’d bet he saved the lives of other kids. Having kids is hard. And I don’t believe that Linda CALLED her kids motherfuckers, booyah or no, so if they didn’t hear it, it doesn’t count. I did write in my journal that I understood why people locked their kids in the attic, which was found by my ex’s new wife, and used against me in court though, so you know, you might want to delete stuff like that on all y’alls blogs if your marriage is rocky. That’s all I’m sayin. And also, Linda, you rock.
I bet Coco and R’s kids are even worse motherfuckers than most- they just have the nards to admit it.
Entries like this are THE reason I’ve been reading this blog since before you even had the boys.
This is why I love you, Linda… you find a way to say what I’ve been thinking, but so much better than I ever could. No, you’d never say these things to your CHILDREN, but you can certainly say them here, in “your” space and to people who understand that motherhood is damn hard work.
amen, sister, amen.
mine are 3 and 3 weeks. boys too. bite me.
I’ve had a few days like this myself, every Mother does, and if they say other wise well,
liar liar pants on fire…thanks for the honest post :)
This is good. So. Very. Very. Good. And True.
I’ll bet gypsies are funner than Siberia, though less politically correct. And for all of you suggesting Linda post this on PD… NO. BAD COMMENTERS. :) Anyway, sorry your kids are being pains, hope things calm down soon.
Hilarious! I love it! Please write these newsletters more often. (This isn’t Parent Dish, we won’t call the human version of Canine Protective Services.)
P.S. What are those objects in the picture?
Oh never mind, I can see they are monitors. Duh.
Ok, so I read all the comments and all I can say is R and Coco are to Sundry what Kathy Lee Bitchford was to Dooce yesterday on The Today Show.
Plenty of tight-assed religious freaks who never utter a swear word have abused children horribly over the centuries. Swearing on your blog to let off some steam in adult company doesn’t make a woman a bad mom. So you can climb off your high horse and untwist those granny panties you insist on wearing. Geez Louise, people can be IDIOTS.
I only can say that if you can enforce naptime on a baby that is as cute as that one in your flickr pictures, you are a better mom than I. I’m afraid I would want to just keep him up and take pictures of him. My God, is that kid cute.
Haha, those “surveillance” images cracked me up. Hard times, sending warm mother’s day wishes your way, in advance.
That…..was……hilarious!!!!!!!!!!
please post this on parent dish…please….it will be so worth it!!!
I hope today is going better for you!
Oh my gawd, I’m laughing so hard. I get it, even if some of the others don’t. There are days when yes, the kids CAN be motherfuckers. Like everyone else on the planet. That doesn’t mean we parents can’t try to get a chuckle out of calling them that behind their backs. Most of the time, we wouldn’t. I’ve called mine that, especially on days when it feels as if they’re sucking my soul out through my ears.
You rock! This entry is why I effing love you so damn much (in a totally non-stalker way, of course).
Booyah, motherfuckers, indeed! Enforced naptime is everyday at my house…
This entry officially goes in the Sundry hall of fame.
I am snickering just picturing those monitors with the boys snuggled in their beds for enforced naptime.
We love you Linda. Keep ‘em coming.
If I were those kids, I would love it when I grew up and and read that about me. That was the best post ever. I wish I could write shit like that. What parent hasn’t ever felt like that? Awesome Awesome post!!
It’s posts like this one that keep me coming back. I am glad I am not alone.
Since it appears as though we’re seeing two sleeping boys on those video screens, I’m thinking that ENFORCED NAPTIME was a must and much-needed activity. Shouldn’t YOU be sleeping, too?
Riley *stays* in bed?! My 4 yr old plays with every toy and empties every bin in his room - although quietly.
-and I know you didn’t mention it in your blog but .. . did you see Survivor last night?! arghhh!
also- rockin’ monitors! What brand are thet?
We rigged up a complex video system using old web cams, our wireless router and the varous computers in the house (hubby is a computer guy by trade and we have more computers than people in our house) to keep track of the kids’ rppms and the playset outside.
Oh nooooo! The grownups are using naughty words!!! :)
Seriously, can’t stop laughing. If Siberia offends everyone, perhaps a more tropical climate? Say, Micronesia? The Australian outback? Zambia?
I heart you, Linda.
Also, those are Summer brand video monitors, I think the model is called “Day and Night”. We don’t always have them going at the same time, but they are damn handy.
As the (single) mom of 2 teenagers, I can honestly tell you that “booyah Motherfuckers” is a term you will use more than once…..that being said, it doesn’t make you any less of a good mom than the other couple of “perfect moms” who have left dissenting comments. IF they have never felt like this, then they just aren’t paying attention to their kids or are so liquered/valiumed up that they can’t tell the kids are getting to them!
I’m a parent and a grandparent. My daughter is mom to a 7yo stepson and two daughters–15 months apart.
When her older daughter was new, she was constantly holding her–”She’s just so cute, I con’t NOT hold her.” Or, “I just WANT to hold her. There’s no harm in that, is there?” Well, no real HARM-harm–but how annoying can that one be when the little one NEEDS to be held for feeding, or comfort, or ….
I almost exploded my head trying not to laugh out loud. This one needs to be labeled NSFW.
Yeah, I’m sending your link to my daughter. She NEEDS this. ;-)
You SERIOUSLY need a weekend away with the girls!
Laughing my ass off - I don’t believe people when they say they never have negative thoughts like this. It has to be great just to get that out.
Linda, I just left your web-site on another popular blog. She asked for her readers favorites and now I’m thinking that I shouldn’t have done it. I mentioned that you also “keep it real”. Just confessing, here! Sorry!
Booyah, indeed.
I’ll just say one last thing before I don’t come back here… I DO know what it’s like to live through tough parenting days, I DO know what it’s like to spew profantity about my children behind their backs. I’m NOT one of ‘those PD commenters’ you’re referring to who attack people constantly. I have a 14 year old son with Tourette’s Syndrome, a 9 year old daughter, a 7 year old son with Tourette Syndrome, and another daughter who is 3. I know about frustating challenging days. I’m not a perfect parent. My kids are FAR from perfect… I admit that more than I’d like to. And yes, I do joke around with my kids constantly… (including, yes, humiliating my teenager in front of his friends with embarrasing stories from toddlerhood). I’m sorry if my comment offended you Linda , but by saying I thought you were ‘better than that’, I meant better than appealing to the type of commenters who say ‘kids suck’ and ‘glad I never had kids’. The Haters. They don’t need encouragement. It’s one thing to mutter things under your breath or vent to your husband/friend etc, but to publicly call your kids motherfuckers is so…. low. I think sometimes we need to remember that we’re raising actual people here, and that their goal in life isn’t to piss us off, well maybe it is, BUT its part of their job description, it’s nothing personal. And part of ours is to suck it up and stop thinking this whole parenting thing is all about us. I alot of people don’t realize this before they become parents… myself included… it took a few kids for it to dawn on me. Kids deserve the our protection & respect despite the fact that they act like little mf’s a lot of the time. But, again, it’s their JOB to be trying out all this crap… and ours to be strong enough not to resort to… the stuff we’re tempted to, but isn’t in our kids’ best interst. But whatever, it’s your site, your kids, and I can tune out, so I will. All the best. Hate on, people.
Seriously Sundry, won’t you please consider the people already living in Siberia? There are times when I’m pretty sure the postal service would refuse to deliver my kid anywhere out of compassion for the places I would be attempting to send him.
I would like to be friends with you solely on your usage of “Booyah motherfuckers”.
That note brought a tear to my eye.
I would ditto on Heather B’s comment, but I’m afraid of the backlash…. :-)
Greetings from across the pond.
OMG, I nearly spit my coffee on the ole lappy. You are so funny. Love your posts and your followers comments.
Sanctimonious Coco from Canada: So let me get this straight. You have at least two kids who are guaranteed to be using MF, among other swears, repeatedly and inappropriately throughout their lives and you do not not approve of adults having the occasional black thought about their children. At the same time you admit you think of your kids as motherfuckers periodically. I’m not really seeing the difference between you and the rest of us except that Linda’s honest sharing of motherhood experiences brings relief to others who are in similar circumstances who are at their wits’ end. Whereas you’re repressed and uncomfortable with what’s true and real.
No one here “hates” kids. If the one commenter who doesn’t want kids isn’t having them, well good for her. There’s nothing wrong with that. Plenty of people who shouldn’t have kids pop them (because biology doesn’t care who one’s parents are). Riley and Dylan are lucky to have two conscious responsible loving parents. If I had to be a child all over again and could pick my mom and dad, I’d choose them. Children don’t need people who make demons out of whole cloth…there’s enough real motherfucking shit in the world to have to contend with.
Do yourself and your kids a favour and lighten up.
I threaten to wrap my kids in a brown paper parcel and post them to Peru. Perhaps that would be less “controversial” than Siberia? Jeepers, some people need to develop a sense of proportion, and possibly remove their heads from their rear ends.
Coco, you said “despite he fact that they act like mf’s a lot of the time”. Why is it okay for you to say that but not for Linda to say “booyah, motherfuckers!” ? You are both acknowledging that they can be quite the little motherfuckers indeed: just because you’ve said it within a sermon and Linda has said it within a comedic post does not change that you both have, in fact, said it. So, what’s the big deal?
This is a fucking hilarious post and I can imagine, when my first born arrives in seven weeks or so from now, being overwhelmed with tenderness, love and awe towards her. I already am. No words for it. I can also imagine being so incredibly sleep deprived that - without it diminishing my love for her remotely or my understanding that yes, motherhood is a tough gig at times - my sense of humour will kick in and save my sanity by yelling something very akin to, “booyah, motherfucker!” when I get her to sleep at last.
This all reminds me, I bought her a “Motha Sucka” onesie the other day. Does that make me abusive and disrespectful, too? ;)
@ Canadian Coco:
Um, I … I AM glad I never had kids. Can I still be glad Linda did? She seems to like them quite a bit. (I know this because I can take a joke.)
Thanks, Linda, for letting a hater like me hang out — even though my boyfriend and I had the audacity to make the choice that is right for us. I’ll try to grudgingly tolerate your very personal decisions, too! :)
Ahem, that should have read “Mutha Sucka” not “Motha Sucka”.
Heh :).
“cry-hole” - heh
I never cussed before I had kids. Now I can make a sailor blush - it’s a good stress reliever.
My parents and down the road - stepfather - were all very ‘good parents’ by the book - no cussing, no drinking, always in control of the kids - expected and got from the kids: no acting out in public, no talking back - I could go on but you get the idea. On the other hand I found their parenting selfish and cold and shallow and abusive in a way that no social worker could ever have noticed. Coco and R would have found them delightful parents - as all people looking from the outside in always did.
I prefer honesty - and having the connection with your kids to feel that level of stress. When you are busy looking like the good parent all the time and making that your goal and focus, you likely aren’t engaged enough with your children for them to bring out anger management issues, I guess.
kim
Having someone who acknowledges that parenting isn’t a soft focus bed of roses in a funny and honest way is refreshing to me.
hahahahahahahahahaha!!!
I have SOOOOO been in that SUCK! If I had read that post on a day of my SUCK I would have laughed my ass off whilst downing my wine.
HAY-FUCKIN-SOOS Coco - take a chill!
Awww. Okay, I had to stop by to tell you that I met the love of my life via blogging, and he’s an avid reader of yours! (Josh at sprintingtohell.wordpress.com) So natch, I am now an avid reader also! We’re getting all up in the kids-in-a-few-years idea, and my god you’re an inspiration. I think we’ll both be scrolling your pages for advice when we can’t shut the cryholes ourselves :P
Oh, I love this. If this is not the truth from a woman who has just ‘had it’, then I don’t know what is. I laughed so hard and can relate so much.
I love the cynacism - keep it coming.
Kp
THANK YOU!
Holy cow, I just actually read all the comments here. Seriously, Coco from Canada, shut the hell up already. You’re making the rest of us Canucks look like uptight twits. Babies are humans and are therefore capable of being motherfuckers. Also assholes and fuckwits. As long as you don’t call them that to their faces or smack them around, chances are all is well. Give a fellow mother a break. Unless you’re still in that phase where you think your kids are perfect and can do no wrong. In that case, just stop speaking. If the other comments are any indication, nobody is interested in your opinion. Way to explain yourself in a futile mile-long comment nobody wants to read anyways.
Linda, you rock hardcore! Keep up the awesome mommying and blogging.