To Dylan: If you keep refusing to sleep, even though you are bone-tired and yawning and rubbing your eyes, it will make you act even more horribly than you are, which is pretty fucking horrible. You don’t want to eat, you don’t want to be held, and you sure as shit don’t want to be put down, and the noise spiraling from your cry-hole is making my eardrums bleed. DO NOT LIKE.

To Riley: You know what? When you randomly drop toys all over the house all day long, you are bound to lose something. No, I don’t know where the hell your tiny plastic ladder is, and I’m sorry life has become such a shit sandwich as a result but I am frankly sick and tired of hearing about it. Is it really worth all the screaming? The loud, loud screaming? Your wailing and garment-rending is even more brain-burningly annoying than your brother’s, and I am seriously considering cramming both of you in the outgoing mail with “SIBERIA: OUTER” stamped on your asses.

What time is it? Why, I believe it’s ENFORCED NAPTIME. Booyah, motherfuckers:

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Comments

105 Responses to “A different sort of newsletter to my children”

  1. emily on May 12th, 2008 11:09 am

    THANK YOU!

  2. Emerald on May 13th, 2008 8:39 am

    Holy cow, I just actually read all the comments here. Seriously, Coco from Canada, shut the hell up already. You’re making the rest of us Canucks look like uptight twits. Babies are humans and are therefore capable of being motherfuckers. Also assholes and fuckwits. As long as you don’t call them that to their faces or smack them around, chances are all is well. Give a fellow mother a break. Unless you’re still in that phase where you think your kids are perfect and can do no wrong. In that case, just stop speaking. If the other comments are any indication, nobody is interested in your opinion. Way to explain yourself in a futile mile-long comment nobody wants to read anyways.

    Linda, you rock hardcore! Keep up the awesome mommying and blogging.

  3. Lori on May 20th, 2008 4:41 pm

    I would like to have a child/couple of children someday, but right now I’m practicing on my nephew (3.5) and niece (6 weeks). And TRUST ME, I LOVE THEM. I cannot pass the children’s section in any store anymore without buying them something. They are the two greatest joys in my life. Also, I am a TEACHER, who makes her living with CHILDREN (they’re in junior high, but please don’t doubt the CHILDREN part). If I could get any one of them–nephew, niece, students–to sleep, it would be worth a “booyah, motherfuckers!” (Teenagers are easier to get to sleep than little ones or babies, though. I regret that I can’t let them.)

    Jeez. Some people need to lighten the fuck up. Augh.

  4. katy on May 21st, 2008 11:31 pm

    omg, i think i love you. that was beautiful. unapologetic. beautifully clean. beautifully unapologetic. please keep sayin’ it like you feel it.

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