• The term “mompreneur”. It’s just . . . argh. Listen, you run your own business? You’re an entrepreneur. Doesn’t matter if you have kids or if your products are marketed to parents. Knock it off with the wide-eyed amazement over the notion that a mother can put aside her all-encompassing household duties long enough to make some damn money.

• The never-ending staged photos of Heidi and Spencer, who apparently are on some show? About hills? All I know is that every sickening image I see of them makes me feel very very stabby, and really, I’m not normally a stabby sort of person.

• My laptop, which probably has something wrong with its cooling fan, because it is pan-searing my thighs every time I use it for more than ten minutes.

• The idea that you’re not a “real” writer until you get published. A writer is a person who writes. Full stop. The quality of anyone’s writing is completely subjective and having a book deal doesn’t necessarily make you a better writer than the person who fills paper journals that will never be read by another soul.

• Teeth. Fuck teeth, you know? They start out by making babies miserable little screamy drool machines, and if you’re like me they end up causing you to endure about fifty different orthodontic devices including HEADGEAR when you’re a hormonally wrecked teenager. We need to evolve past this calcified bullshit and develop the teeth version of LASIK. Zap zap, here’s your new perfectly designed mouth, go ahead and knock yourself out with a Bit-O-Honey.

• Stephen King inserting himself into the last Dark Tower book. See also: M. Night Shyamalan “acting” in his own movies.

• The unbelievable state of political correctness most of us are living in, and I hope you understand I am not saying I sure do miss all the RACISM, I’m just wondering if it’s possible to talk about ANYTHING anymore without stirring up controversy. On that note, I laughed like hell at Anne Lammot’s completely non-defensive explanation of choosing to circumcise her son and her subsequent description of thinking that uncut penises looked like “a rodent disappearing up a garden hose” and then I thought that anyone who wrote that today on, say, a parenting publication, would be TARRED AND FEATHERED. Look, I’m not saying she’s right, but that’s FUNNY.

• The taste of Coca-Cola Zero. Cloying, yet vomitous!

Comments

71 Responses to “I AM CRANKY ABOUT THESE THINGS”

  1. Rosie on May 29th, 2008 12:00 pm

    Crab on, sistafren! Coke Zero is crap and you’re lying if you say otherwise.

  2. Leslie on May 29th, 2008 12:07 pm

    I so hear you about the teeth thing. My little dude is sprouting his molars now -all 4 at the same time. Having a cranked out, feverish baby totally f’d-up our Memorial Day weekend.

  3. sooboo on May 29th, 2008 12:12 pm

    “Stephen King inserting himself into the last Dark Tower book”. Oh. No. He. Dinnit.
    Also, on the PC tip, why is it if a person says Burma, they are somehow revealing their political and philosphical ideas. Get off my back, I can’t always remember how to pronounce it the other way. Crank on sister.

  4. Brid on May 29th, 2008 12:21 pm

    Exactly!

    This post makes me nod my head sympathetically and go “ugh!” and then want to rant back–because, it’s just…

    Exactly!

  5. serror on May 29th, 2008 12:37 pm

    Agreed.

    Except I don’t like diet coke, but don’t want the calories so I LOVE Coke Zero. I think if you are a Diet Coke Devotee or a “Real” Coke purist you don’t like it, but for those of us who don’t like diet coke, but don’t want the calories of real coke (or the evil corn syrup, real sugar coke in other countries tastes so damn good) it is a good alternative.

  6. Amy M. on May 29th, 2008 12:46 pm

    The garden hose comment almost made me hork my tea. Painful.

    And I totally agree on almost everything else! Though I miss Pepsi One! (They don’t sell it in my regular grocery store anymore. Do they still make it?) And who the heck are Heidi & Spencer?

    Congrats on the jeans – I’m 38 weeks pregnant right now & am aching to wear anything remotely resembling real clothes! Getting my ankles back would be a plus as well!

  7. sweetcheese on May 29th, 2008 1:30 pm

    Can I just say, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA! And I didn’t realize it until now, but “stabby” is definitely an emotion I experience too.

  8. sweetney on May 29th, 2008 1:46 pm

    agreed on all.

    aaaaaand i think i’m falling in love with you. does that frighten you? (bats eyes)

  9. Kendra on May 29th, 2008 1:55 pm

    The only one I can’t agree with is Coke Zero. I’m addicted, and it’s SO much better than drinking Diet Coke!

    If we have (adopt) a boy, I fully intend to have him circumcised. Bring on the mommy monsters — I don’t give a shit! I happen to agree wholeheartedly with Anne Lamott’s statement.

  10. Annabelle on May 29th, 2008 2:45 pm

    Great post. I love Anne Lammot. When I asked my husband on his thoughts on circumcision if we have a boy (I’m 31 weeks along with our first kid) his response was a laugh and, “Of course we’re getting him circumsized… otherwise he’ll have nearly no chance of ever getting a blowjob.” I guess we all just want the best for our kids.

  11. Amy on May 29th, 2008 3:31 pm

    I love you…there, I admitted it. you are my guilty pleasure in the afternoons. Thanks for the laughs…rodent up a garden hose..argh! And fuck political correctness. Everyone is so damned sensitive these days. Like obama being mad at hillary for talking about kennedy……………rock on Sundry!

  12. Victoria on May 29th, 2008 5:20 pm

    I hear you on the laptop thing. I now regularly have an ice pack between my laptop and my actual lap.

    Apparently, when I spoke to “the people in charge” they said they need ventilation and aren’t really for laps. “They” don’t even call them laptops anymore.

    Huh?

  13. victoria on May 29th, 2008 5:46 pm

    Lamott is funny but circumcision? Is nothing but COSMETIC SURGERY ON INFANT GENITALS. An infant’s genitals are not SUPPOSED to be cosmetically appealing! There is NO medical benefit and NO justification for even the SLIGHTEST risk attendant upon ANY surgery. If your son takes an interest in the appearance of his genitalia at some point in his life then let HIM choose what is, after all, ELECTIVE surgery with NOTHING but a COSMETIC benefit. You wouldn’t give an infant a nose job would you? Then don’t give him a foreskinjob.

  14. JMC on May 29th, 2008 7:14 pm

    I don’t know Heidi and Spencer, though those names sound vaguely familiar…

    I agree with everything else.

    While I know better than to do this, I will DIE inside if I don’t say to the last commentor: Perhaps, if his nose looked like “a rodent disappearing up a garden hose.”

  15. Misguided mommy on May 29th, 2008 7:59 pm

    I made the massive mistake of talking about my then unborn babies nursery and how i was nesting. I happened to say the changing table was all set up, including, wipes, stuff to care for the umbilical cord, and circumcision. The next thing I knew I was being blown up with hate mail from anti circ groups, and posted about on message boards and I was all whoah, dude back the fuck off I just wanted to show you my pretty nursery! Then I cried, and then I ate cookies, and it was better.

  16. WickedStepMom on May 30th, 2008 6:37 am

    Political correctness has gotten to the point of scariness. I work in an office and in IT and we are “cultural diverse”. I get so tired of people trying to tip-toe around the topic. It turns into wierd situations like this…

    “Can you point out (some person) to me?”

    “Yeah, he is over there. He is tall and um.. has hair.. and sits by that other tall guy.. with hair..”

  17. Quirkybook on May 30th, 2008 9:52 am

    Meagan, I agree with your whole comment, and think it includes the best definition of political correctness I’ve ever seen.

  18. Brooke on May 30th, 2008 12:30 pm

    You’re my hero.

    I spent all last summer reading the Dark Tower books, and that last one was a bummer. Especially the ending.

    I have been writing since I was a wee tyke and I don’t think I’ve ever published anything (do high school newspapers count?). I’ve been keeping a journal since 1985, though, and it’s my proudest achievement even if no one ever reads it. But I’m sure someone will. When they pry the books out of my cold, dead hands.

    Mompreneurs? I have a t-shirt that says “Roccer Mom” and I think that pretty much says it all. My kids play soccer. I am not a soccer mom.

    I did not circumcise my now-8-week-old son. I don’t care whether other people do it or not. Next week, I’m going to VACCINCATE HIM. Duck and cover!

    The only reason I even know who Heidi and Spencer are is that Heidi and her cohorts were on the cover of Rolling Stone last month. This would bug me to death (Rolling Stone? COME ON!), but I threw RS a hundred bucks a few years ago and now they will be sending me the mag for the rest of my life. So it’s not like money wasted.

    Does anyone remember “Politically Correct Fairy Tales”? I wonder if Amazon has it.

    Um, sorry about the long comment. Kind of.

  19. Dvlshkitten on June 1st, 2008 9:44 am

    Can I suggest getting a cooling fan for your burning lap problems?

    As for Heidi and Spencer, they don’t really make me feel stabby, but more shooty. With a large gun. And an abundance of bullets.

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