I was at my “Turbo Kick” class at the gym last night and I had motored along fairly well until the last part of class when the instructor launches into this monotonous, horrifying routine of punches and kicks that just goes on and on and on for maybe twelve or thirteen hours straight, punch punch punch punch punch punch punch punch jab jab jab jab jab jab jab jab zigzag zigzag knee back kick back kick front kick front kick front kick front kick REPEAT, and I got to thinking that instead of visualizing a smaller waistline or whatever as my form of motivation for making it through without doing that thing where you go get a drink of water but you take your sweet-ass time about it because really, it’s less about hydrating and more about taking a break before projectile vomiting ensues, I should be thinking about how my improved physical fitness will help me when the zombie plague eventually sweeps the earth. I mean, have you seen the new, fast zombies? Those motherfuckers will run you down and suck your brain dry in no time, I don’t know about you but I’d like to feel capable of putting some distance between my delicious, tempting flesh and their rotted, yet still powerful jaws, and I need to be strong enough to carry a couple of small children while I’m sprinting for my life because the kids might be a pain in my ass at times but it’s not like I want them to become zombie kabobs.

That train of thought thundered right past Crazy Town and into Batshit City as we all hunkered into the godawful bend-down-touch-the-floor-with-one-hand-then-straighten-up-and-kick-the-opposite-leg routine and I decided that what we need is a zombie preparedness training franchise. Preferably designed by Max Brooks, this would be a series of classes a person could take which would involve an intense physical regimen combined with classic survival training: how to dress a wound (not a zombie afflicted wound, obviously, since if you’ve been bitten you should probably be concerning yourself with finding the nearest gun so you can . . . well, that subject will be in the class too, and let’s be honest, it won’t be cheery), combat techniques, recognizing poisonous plant species, turning your household into a defensible stronghold — you know, the usual.

Sure, maybe the cardio-triggered lack of oxygen had something to do with this idea, but I’m telling you, I think it’s got merit. People would take this class for general survivalist tips, people would take it because they thought it was funny, people would take it because even though they joke about the subject they find themselves thinking about zombies at the strangest times, just idly considering the nightmarish possibilities, remote though they must surely be, ha ha ha ha haaaaa.

Now, a class about werewolves or some shit would just be fucking stupid. You see the difference, right?

See? Totally worth saving from the undead. I’ll be honest, though, I’m not sure I feel the same way about Cat. Would she save ME? I think not.


57 Responses to “Aim for the head”

  1. Andrea on June 13th, 2008 8:48 am

    Oh, and will we be learning techniques with the Lobo in this class? (Isn’t that what the lobotomizer thingy was called?)

  2. Laura on June 13th, 2008 8:56 am

    Oh God, after reading all the comments, my Britney dream-sequence motivator seems so silly. Now I’m gonna kick Zombie Britney’s ass.

  3. justmouse on June 13th, 2008 2:03 pm

    just one question…um…Bad Penguin: what do you mean “FAKE zombie preparedness” ????

    you say that like it might never actually happen.

  4. Frank on June 13th, 2008 3:27 pm

    What about Dog? Would she save you?

  5. donna on June 13th, 2008 4:07 pm

    Thanks to you I read wwZ, and the zombie survival guide, and when done, told my hubby that we needed more guns, and def more ammo.
    So, yeah, I’m up for the class. Can we learn to rappel and shit too?

  6. Christine on June 17th, 2008 11:28 pm

    I got one paragraph into this posting and said to myself, “self, that woman has been reading World War Z”. After reading that book, would totally take a zombie preparedness class. In fact, I’ve already scoped my neighborhood for likely locations to barricade oneself, considered the most promising homes for post-zombie supplies and what not. I like to think of my mental preparation not so much as crazy but as taking mothering to its most logical conclusion – how to best save ones family from the undead.

  7. ELC on June 25th, 2008 11:20 am

    I had to tell you about this:


    I’m sure JB will also appreciate Jenna Jameson’s ability to aim for the head.

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