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Aug
11
I sometimes think the key to a good marriage is being able to let things go. You may have a disagreement about something and in your mind you are absolutely in the RIGHT and he is indubitably WRONG and also a SELFISH PRICK, but sitting around holding your breath for an apology and the heartfelt declaration that all future prickishness will be avoided at all costs often gets a person nowhere, and I find it to be downright taxing to set my body language to FROSTY BITCH for more than a few hours at a time.
Both JB and I are stubborn and loathe to give ground and on the few occasions that we fight, neither of us are any good at sitting down like rational adults and listening to each other’s position. JB tends to toss forth brain-bending logic shitbombs like, “Well I’m sorry you choose to feel that way about it” and I have an unfortunate habit of accelerating straight to into “Why don’t you just shut the fuck up” territory. It’s pretty rare that we revisit an argument and concede our own mistakes; instead, we stew independently for a while until life inevitably pushes the bad moment under the bridge, like when our favorite TV show comes on or JB decides to randomly inform me we should have makeup sex, or at the very least, makeup BJ?
(Makeup BJ. Right. Well, you can’t say the man doesn’t dream big.)
I’m sure we could be handling our differences with more maturity and mutual respect, but it seems to me that we’re usually able to move on without holding too much of a grudge. It’s funny, parenthood is often both a grindstone against which our marriage is tested on a daily basis, and a binding force holding it together. I may find myself occasionally thinking grumpily that my husband is a total wet end and that I’d like to run off to Aruba to live out my remaining cougar years leering at bronzed poolboys, but it’s more typical that I view whatever argument is at hand as just what it is: a temporary bump on a long, amazing road we’re committed to staying on with each other. Having kids together — even though it tests our patience, saps our romance, and steals our spontaneity — makes me feel like we took those wedding vows and dipped them in titanium.
That said, WHY is it always totally okay for my husband to leave the house on his own during the weekend — without any sort of need to ask for permission, may I add — while if I do so it’s like I’ve committed war crimes against fucking HUMANITY? And why IS IT, as long as I’m ranting, that if I am by myself with the children I usually somehow manage to also pick up our shithole house, throw some laundry in the washing machine, and excavate various biological specimens from the kitchen sink, but if he’s the one at home it’s like some sort of grandiose expectation or perhaps even a physical impossibility on par with running a two-minute mile to do anything but keep the children fed and relatively feces-free? JESUS H. CHRIST ON A LOW-SODIUM CRACKER.
Okay, NOW I can let it go. Ah, that’s better.
I’m flying solo parenting-wise at the moment while JB goes camping with his dad and brother (which may or may not be influencing my Ranty McCrabism state of mind) (he told me: “You’ll be working so it’ll be NO BIG DEAL”) (OMFG) (then I devoured him, black-widow-like) (also, if you’re thinking of breaking in and stealing my Payless shoes be forewarned that I have GUNS and also HAIRSPRAY and a REALLY FAT LAZY MEAN CAT) and I’m feeling lonely, so tell me, what’s the happiest event of your recent life? Big or small, what has put a giant grin on your face?
For me, it was digging this crazy jumper chair out of storage for Dylan, because hoo boy, good times all around. How about you?
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115 Responses to “Letting go; clinging tight”
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going to see Spamalot with my big brother on saturday, and drinking pints, and laughing until i thought i’d pee myself.
I loved watching the American team win that swimming relay last night. Such a great moment!
So, I’m not married to my baby-daddy (gasp! judge! flame! Just kidding!), but we have a similar dance when it comes to arguments. The big ones get worked out, the little ones eventually fall by the wayside, and I remember that we are a loving, committed family unit and we will survive this minor bump.
That said, I can’t answer the question as to why men expect things of us that they don’t realize they should provide themselves. Maybe it’s because they’re not lucky enough to be amazing, sensitive women. Hmmm. I’m gonna stick with that for the moment.
The happiest event of my recent life was today when my 15 month old woke up and called out Ma-ma instead of his usual Da-da. I’m not sure he knows what either really means yet, but for once, he made the “m” sound instead of the “d.” And don’t you know, I went running to rescue him from that pesky crib and cruel nap-time.
…just when I was thinking you and JB were the happiest couple on the planet…
Ain’t nothin’ happy for me right now ‘cept my upcoming trip to Costa Rica. I just got surgery, it didn’t fix the problem, so doc says I have to get surgery again, on top of life’s other ongoing problems. So yeah. I’m looking forward to Costa Rica. I’m going alone, too, so that’s gonna be real nice!
Upcoming camping trip to Manzanita - last wave to summer before the long marathon of school schedules begin.
You just perfectly described my marriage in that there post! And a makeup BJ is the funniest damn thing I’ve heard in a long ass time!!
Last Saturday Night. I went to an OPEN BAR wedding, with my friend as my “date”, and left my husband home with our 2 kids and the 2 kids we were babysitting.
Does it get any better than that? I dont think so.
Remember that message JB ‘texted’ you at Blogher about you being superwoman? I would so totally needlepoint that in neon thread and display in the front hall. (All in good humour said she, knowingly.)
Then I would, oh I don’t know, have about a girl’s long day or night out on five minutes notice. (I did this with B/F once and he totally got the message that I am not some dispensable something or other he can take for granted. It worked.)
Well my big crazy grinny moment was when i got the message that i FINALLY sold the dam car!
I am moving to australia in a very small amount of days and i have been hoping to get the bloody thing sold. I am so pleased that i did. And the cream on top?? I sold it for $1000 MORE than i brought for!! WHOOPIE!
Oh lord my husband pulls that crap and we only have one. It makes me batshit that somehow if I want to go somewhere I need to arrange childcare but he can make plans without worries.
My most recent happiness came when we want on vacation with my family (I KNOW) and we all stayed up playing cards while the baby was asleep. I really miss just having fun in all the rush of baby baby baby.
I have no advice. But I thought you should know that I literally just LOLed at “low-sodium cracker” and woke up the goats.
Hmmm. The DWR Warehouse sale last weekend is pretty much tied with the Dilly Bar just I ate. Both were purely awesome. Oh, and this is terrible, and kind of indescribable, but on the way to Dairy Queen to get the Dilly bars we just saw a tamale truck on fire at a gas station and it was insanely exciting. Plus, firemen, you know, firemen are never bad.
Make up BJ, he is thinking big, isn’t he?!
The happiest thing for me will be to leave work, go home and fall into bed with the love of my life (sans BJ). Then again, we’re not married yet and don’t have children so we’re still happy with just that…except when he leaves his clean, folded (by me) clothes sitting on the dresser, then all hell breaks lose!
I don’t want to be a copycat, but it was definitely the American swimming relay last night. Oh Lord I was excited. I heart me some Olympics.
This may be indiciative of my 6 month pregnant with twins, and stuck home while the hubs is on a work trip self….but my few favorite things right now
1. Eating on the couch
2. Watching the Olympics, and my friends who are competing in particular
3. Feeling the twosome kick. I think they like watching the Olympics too!
best wishes on getting through the weekend and really sticking it to JB when he gets back!
I fed my one year old part of a chocolate cookie tonight. The funniest part was I swear she saw it in my hand 10 feet away and made a bee-line for me doing a little dance till I gave her a piece. How did she know it was a cookie? Its not like I have given them to her before. But, I gave her a small face and it was soo worth it. I got the best “mmmmm” and followed by a huge grin. Then she toddled away only to turn around quickly and come back for more! She knows a good thing when she tastes it.
We’ve been watching old reruns of Little Britain and the crude, politically incorrect humour slays us.
Also, I feel your pain on the “he gets to leave without asking permission” deal. Very early on after having our first kid I noticed that and hoo boy, it pissed me off. Still does.
Glad you’ve found a way to balance it out somewhat and keep moving forward.
of late, my biggest bitch is that i work all day and still wash the dishes and do the laundry and make sure the kids eat…Rob gets off work and goes and watches tv and drinks beer. on the weekend, he doesn’t do much more than that and i still do all that shit. i’m finding it hard of late to ignore the fact that he is such an easy going husband who forgives the fact that sometimes he has to go looking for underwear in the morning and he doesn’t bitch that the kitchen isn’t clean all the tiime…
it’s still hard and we’ve been married 10 years.
Cant remember the last time hubby changed a diaper….
happy time; going to a weekly pilates class (hub does watch her then so I guess I should “let it go” ha
I just got a new couch and chair to replace the one we bought when we were married 12 years ago! It’s leather and I love it.
Pics will be on my blog tomorrow.
I just drove 10 hours taking my son’s 5 year old goddaughter to Vegas to see my son and grandson, spent 3 days 4 nights, and also, score! got to see my best guy friend in the world that I’ve known for 23 years, and haven’t seen in 6 years. We all had dinner, and I was just in the best place ever with all of them.
And then I drove 10 hours back.
It’s at times like these that I am so glad I’m a single parent - there’s no one for me to resent, no one to expect me to stay home with my Stinker while I go camping.
You deserve a rant…
“Jesus H Christ on a low sodium cracker” - that is fackin hilarious!
Love the jumper. He’s pleased as punch!
Shit it sucks that I can’t think what put a giant grin on my face recently. Shit shit shit! Guess it’ll have to be my boy turning 10 and still giving me cuddles in the morning!
Have you been eavesdropping in my head again?! Stop it! :)
Happiest moment - lately it’s been the rapid progress on our house. In two short months it’s suddenly a house. The windows were delivered today and the roof goes on this week. Building a house can be so stressful, but it’s SO much fun to watch the progress and dream.
BUYING A HOUSE!!! (although haven’t talked about it on my blog yet, so shhhh) Can’t believe it - part of me thought we’d only be able to afford it once a rich relative died, or something to that effect.
Also? My husband and I just did a whole presentation on everything you just talked about…I totally could have written this post because damn, is every man exactly the same or what?
Happiest moment: When I booked cruise to Alaska.
Can.not.wait.for.Sept20.Gah
“That said, WHY is it always totally okay for my husband to leave the house on his own during the weekend — without any sort of need to ask for permission, may I add — while if I do so it’s like I’ve committed war crimes against fucking HUMANITY?”
Creepy. I just has the SAME conversation with my husband this weekend. So - you just get a loud - AMEN from me.
HAPPIEST MOMENT RECENTLY: My teenage son making a hysterical joke about mimes and crossing guards (you had to be there) on the way to school the other day that had me laughing so hard I nearly pissed my pants. I love seeing his sense of humor grow.
Glad to read my husband isn’t the only one who expects to go do whatever he wants whenever, but I have to PLAN my fun.
On the flip side, we just celebrated our 10th anniversary with a trip to Vegas. First long trip without the kids…ever! It was fabulous!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Dude, JB is my hero, and dreaming up something like a make up BJ is what makes him so incredibly cool and why he deserves a sweet cougar like yourself. That’s fuckin great, I have to use that. (yes I realize it will probably only escalate the tension, but I will get years, possibly a lifetime of good laughs from it, and so it is deemed worthwhile)
And in response to your question of a seeming double standard, the answer is because you are a woman and therefore more clean, and he is a man and therefore content to wallow in a festering pen of filth. Our tolerance for dirt and mess and shit like that is way through the roof. While I’m sure it boggles your mind that things like laundry and sink goop could somehow manage to not jump out from behind the furniture and scream at us till we dealt with them, the fact is that when left to our own devices we just re-wear our clothing, kick paths in the clutter, and give most dishes a courtesy sniff/splash to make sure there’s nothing furry on them. In fact the only real reason we even clean our own bodies is so we can keep our jobs and get pussy.
Totally agree about things going under the bridge rather than getting hashed out with I-statements.
Totally agree about the males of the species feeling they can leave but that the females can’t.
Totally agree about how the females can watch the litter and also maintain the lair, but the males want a medal for keeping the litter alive at all.
Honey, you and every other woman in America! You think they would “get it” by now, but nope. And why, because we let them get away with the crap. It’s our own fault and that’s the worst part about it.
Oh shit, I forgot about the happy thing. I went fishing with my buddy this weekend on the Neuse river. I haven’t been fishing since I was a kid and two really happy things happened while I was out there. First off I caught a big ass catfish right off the bat, which pretty much made my day. And second, we caught an eel and I had to chop it up for bait. It sounds gross, but I was holding this huge phallic tube of meat (sans head and tail) that was so slippery I kept dropping it like the soap in prison, and it was covered in this sticky slime that clung to your hands like cum in water. Dude, it was so gross and difficult to hold on to and cut up that it just turned into one giant physical comedy laugh fest. By the time I had chopped up enough bait for our hooks, both of us were just about crying with laughter. And I was covered in eel giz that wouldn’t come off in the water. It was hilarious.
Seriously though, the fish was fuckin huge. Biggest fish I ever caught. http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3168/2754639488_987839965b.jpg?v=0
Wow. I just read your comments section and big note to self: in future always check with woman before making plans, and clean random shit when she’s gone. That make up BJ might be possible after all. Hmmmmmmmm.
Oh how do I know this rant.
We went to the Smithsonian last weekend and attended the butterfly exhibit. You walk through this enclosed garden type area with thousands of live butterflies flying around. It’s insane. They were exotic and beautiful and my two year old was out of her head. She kept running back and forth yelling, “burrerfye!!” It. was. awesome.
Wow, this post could not have come at a better time. My husband and I are the exact same way. Sometimes I feel as though we are doing something wrong and we should sit down and discuss things like “normal” couples.
I also cannot stand that my husband will go out and see his friends and whatnot, and god forbid if I want to go shopping with one of my friends and he is left ALONE with our son! Come on!
Spending the day at the beach with my friends, no kids or husbands allowed. Had a blast, lots of peoplewatching(lifeguards…!)and just all around silliness and sun.
Btw…can totally relate to the disappearing husband act. My husband still has this annoying habit, just freaking leaves….no note or shout out….and we dont live in a mcmansion. Now my oldest son(who apparently since he is 18 and a freaking adult(ha)is doing the same thing at times. The male species….gotta wonder.
That sucks Linda, but you are being awesome about it. Does your husband read your blog? Because I totally used to use mine to rant against my boyfriend knowing that he’d read it. “Hi! I hate you! Act nicer!”
The best moment in my life right now was going to my cousin’s wedding on Saturday. She is young and spunky and different and her husband is nothing short of just the same, and it was a sweet time of togetherness with family.
My sister, my best-friend, is newly engaged. An engagement I can support without reservations. We’ve been dress shopping and wedding planning since. Life is good.
I think you just described my marriage, except that we go silent when we’re super-pissed so we can avoid saying anything that might fester for years (or, these days, to avoid saying anything we wouldn’t want our 3-year-old son to say in public). And I give you a BIG AMEN on the whole double-standard expectations when one is home alone with the kid(s). . . I went out of town with my son for 5 days, leaving hubby home with NO RESPONSIBILITY except the dog & cats, and I still came home to a shithole. WTF?
Anyway. While visiting my mom with my son, I got the chance to watch my boy show off his trike-riding skills in my mom’s large black-topped driveway. We don’t have a good place for him to ride at home, but he rides once a week at daycare, and he LOVES it. I was also very surprised that he is outgrowing the damn trike already, and we’re going to have to start looking for a (gasp!) two-wheeler with training wheels, I guess. My baby is growing up, which is really cool and really sort of frightening all at once.
Heh. Yep they are all the same. As my cousin would say “I blame the mother.” Although in my case blaming the mother does not work because when my MIL was alive hubby and his brothers all fended for themselves, so I guess in this case I should just blame myself…I think I set the stage while I was still in the flush of love at the beginning. So stupid.
But! We are married for over 11 years and while the fights sometimes get gnarly, you do just work it out in the end.
Happiest: My 14 y.o. niece and my 13 y.o. nephew came to visit for a week and my neighbor (bless her heart) offered to watch my two little ones while we took the teenagers to dinner. I even had a drink! And only had to worry about my OWN FOOD, which I ATE WHILE IT WAS STILL HOT!! It was lovely.
Happiest moment was when I booked a cruise for myself and my husband and both of our kids and their spouses! Planning a wonderful warm, sunny family vacation in January!
D and I fight in a similar fashion with television usually providing the bandaid to push us forward.
As for the most recent happiest moment? Finding out I was pregnant is pretty high on the list. But then comes my recent Zappos purchase and the cereal I am currently eating. So, it doesn’t take much to make me happy.
Happy:
An old friend whom I thought was lost forever just contacted me and wants to have lunch. I’m nervous, but really excited too.
Also, I got a B&N coupon emailed to me this morning so now I get to go buy David Sedaris’ new book for $15.99.
LOL @ the similarities. My husband is the EXACT same way! But in the happy news, our son recently started pushing his walker with some sort of actual skill and then, suddenly, he just stood there, hands free. And we were both there, watching him. And we had this little moment as parents, together, seeing him do this great new accomplishment. It really warmed my heart.
The day I started antidepressants. Literally.
Watching my kids, 1 and 2, play together in the evenings, after dinner and baths. They smell so good we just hug em and sniff em.
First before I spread joy, I wanted to comment that it is nice to know that there is someone else who turns crazy when fighting with their spouse. I turn into evil tourettes lady what with all the foul language that spews forth from my mouth.
As for the good stuff? I told some dumbass that I was “saving the environment” when he actually drove over to my car to ask me why I wasn’t using plastic bags. He thought I was allergic. Holy crap. It felt spectacular to say out loud and totally made me happy.
I sometimes think that if I ever kill my husband with my bare hands it won’t be because of something big, rather, it will be because I had to listen to him slurp his cereal one time too many.
What’s made me happy lately: After a 20 year hiatus, I started taking horseback riding lessons again. WHY DID I WAIT SO LONG. It’s exactly as awesome at 36 as it was at 16.
The happiest moment lately? Watching The Captain get two second place ribbons at the 4-team swim conference a few weekends ago. Also, knowing that now swim season is over not only do I get to sleep in each morning but now I get to drool over Michael Phelps.
Did I say drool? I meant CHEER! Yes, that’s it! Cheer him on to victory and Gold! Thank God Hubby has a sense of humor, who comes up with gems like “Just pretend I’m Michael Phelps…” Yeah, right.
My sister had her 2nd baby boy 2 weeks ago, so I’ve had an endless series of snuggly baby happy moments since then. New babies = wonderful.
Oh. Oh. Oh. This is just the most universal thing about parenting that gets me the MOST riled up. Screw this discussion on working moms vs. non working moms. THIS is what we should all be discussing…..how the dad just gets to do WHATEVER THE FUCK HE WANTS and the mom has to have all planets aligned, all the food already cooked, all the kids bathed and the house cleaned up before she can even CONSIDER having 10 minutes alone. And if she DOES want to get away, she has to beg the dad to watch the kids and then spend the entire time away panicking about how he is probably letting them stick forks in the electrical sockets.
Sorry, after that I can’t think of any joy to spread. Just bitter, bitter bile.
This is one of the happiest things in my life right now, and I get to see it on a near-daily basis. My dog has become BFF with the puppy next door, and her favorite thing to do is pick up his leash with her mouth and try to walk him.
*Shut the fuck up territory.* Ha. Genius.
Best thing to happen to me recently: I discovered the Twilight saga. Holy hell. I can’t believe I admitted that. But it’s true.
First, this post was fantastic! Last time I left my husband with our ONE kid he told me he was cranky when I got home, it took me 4 seconds to deduct the child was not cranky but hungry. I swear!
I have two happy moments for you, when I steped on the scale this am and it read 117 ( HOLLA! ) and last weekend we went to Colorado to visit some family and watching Nate (10 months) meet his cousins ages 2 and 4 was so fantastic. Ella, the oldest wanted to teach him everything she knew and share her pancakes and tuck him in and stroke his cheek and my god it was TOO much!
Good luck on your own, put that little on in the stroller and keep up your night time walk. That could help you stay sane.
I could have written this post, that is TOTALLY the way that N and I fight. And he is a pro at giving the silent treatment so I really just have to let things ride most of the time if I want him to ever speak to me again…
Watching the Olympics is making me happy, as did the recent weekend getaway N and I were able to take to San Antonio. WITHOUT KIDS. WOOT.
Oh my god, I could have written this. Between the drum corps he joined and the bowling on Wednesdays, and the weekend excursions, I sometimes feel like a single parent. Then he give me the stink eye when I DON’T get all the laundry done or the house picked up, because on the few occasions I do get to escape the house kid free and he’s left in charge, he goes out of his way to PROVE to me that I’m a shitty house keeper because HE CAN DO IT ALL. When he deigns to, that is.
Oops. I guess that’s kind of a sore spot.
P.S. You’re invited to dinner at my place.
OMG are you eavesdropping at my house???????
My favorite recent moment is when my surly, angry, demanding, and entitled 17 yr old son came back from Florida (vacation with his best friend’s family) and told me he missed me…..missed me so much he nearly called me the following day from work just to say hi.
Awwww……he DOES love me…….
The happiest event of my recent life was helping my parents celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary by throwing them a kick-ass partay! That was fun. (And hard work.)(But mostly fun.)
Also, the Olympics are quite fun. I love watching athletes do amazing things. As an American, I guess I’m “rooting” for all Americans as they compete, but I really enjoy watching all the athletes from all over the world.
Did you tell him to pick stuff up, etc while you were gone? No? Then that’s the missing link. (If you DID ask for cleanup, explicitly, and it didn’t happen, then deduction from JB’s score.)
We used to go thru this, long ago. It took a while for me to get it across that I JUST DIDN’T CARE what the house looked like. And, if She did, She needed to tell me what was to get done, because it sure wasn’t happening if it was left up to me. Once she got over this thing about me taking the cleanup initiative, it all worked a lot better…
2 happiest moments lately…
First was when my 18 month old son was driving one of his little cars around the floor and ran it into one of our huskies. Then the car went up the tail all the way to between her ears at which point he said “Cah? (car) Hat? CAH HAT!” and fell over laughing at his own joke. Cracked me right up.
Second was when I went out to breakfast on Sunday with a couple that I’ve adopted as my grandparents that are both in their 80s. They’ve been married for 61 years and are held up regularly to everyone as an example of a good marriage that we should all be striving to emulate. I noticed that she wasn’t her normal chatty self and it finally came out that he was going to go visit their son several states away by himself for 2 months. (I’m not sure they even go to the bathroom without checking in on each other usually.) I asked him later what was going on and he said “I love her dearly but we have been absolutely together every day for 28 years since I retired. I’ve got to get away for a little while.” I can’t even tell you what finding that out did for me and how I feel like I’d like to ship my husband off somewhere on occasion!
Hoo boy, we fight like you guys. Except one of us who isn’t me gets all bent out of shape about things that don’t really matter while someone who is me starts deciding which body part I’d like to punch.
Good thing is our lives right now? We just adopted a dog; a yellow lab/ corgi mix with a corkscrew tail and a sweet disposition.
Having the first ultrasound for our second child yesterday afternoon was incredible. Seeing him for the first time made me smile a big, toothy, lip-quivering smile. Oh, and finding out that it’s a boy at 15 weeks was amazing! (Now my question is, who is having all these GIRLS to balance out the birth of all these BOYS? HUH? HUH?!)
Um, this post put a big grin on my face, because I was NODDING AT EVERY WORD. So true, so true, awesome.
No comment on the fights, except AMEN SISTER.
I would have to say the happiest thing in a while was Saturday, after having spent the day cleaning out our storage unit (while I was at a dance class and obviously couldn’t be expected to help), my husband came home and made me spaghetti and meatballs, a) using my mom’s meatball recipe (which kicks all sorts of ass, as she’s Italian) and b) did this even though he hates tomato sauce. And c) it was delicious.
I totally feel you. I’m giving my husband the silent treatment right now because I was at book club - with the baby - the other night and I came home and there was lettuce all over the floor, dishes in the sink, clothes (like his underwear! why???) all over the living room, things that needed to be folded in the dryer, and he was “tired” because he had to put the 3 year old to bed. Give me a fucking break. I told him I’m not the god damn maid. This is not the first time I’ve said such things.
Why the f can’t men multitask???? Why??!!!
Happy things? Hah! I think it was a few weeks ago when I left the house by myself and realized I could in fact keep driving. I didn’t, though.
First, I can tell you why IT IS that you get all that done when home alone w/ kids and he does not: BECAUSE YOU HAVE OVARIES. DUH.
As the mother of a 15-y-o (and the wife of a man who rarely, if ever, helped out around the house) (and when he did, he thought he deserved a freaking gold medal) (and he would declare things like: “Our kitchen has NEVER BEEN THIS CLEAN.”) I can tell you that learning to let go is the very best lesson you can equip yourself with. Because you’re going to be doing it a lot as your children get older. And it ain’t easy.
My inlaws have been married for almost 68 years. That’s more than a lifetime, yo. And there’s been no divorce in any of their children or grandchildren either. (OMG, the pressure.) What does it take to be married for 68 years? (Denial. A keen ability for DENIAL.) They say it’s just commitment. Deciding that you’re going to stay married no matter what - thru thick and thin (sick and sin). You & JB seem to have that. Plus, he’s got like the coolest wife on the planet, so it can’t be that hard for him.
Totally true about the husband/child care thing. Last week, my husband went to dinner with his family without me, as I had to stay home and take care of our 4 month old. He then called me from dinner, to ask if I would “let him” go to a hockey game later that night. As if I don’t “let him” do things. I was livid!
Looking forward to the Olympics each day. And, as I’m still drunk on being a new mom, spending time with my 4 month old.
I went surfing for the first time on a recent camping trip. I felt SO HAPPY. And alive. Does it get better than that?
BTW, I, too, have trouble with the Frosty Bitch setting. I would rather be out-and-out fighting.
Good thing: Watching my son laugh and chase after the older kids at the pot luck on Sunday afternoon, laughing out loud, then walking up and trying to BEEEEEP their belly buttons. We recently moved to be near family and friends, and times like that are one of the big reasons we did it.
The whole “Dad gets to leave at the drop of a hat while Mom must fill out forms in triplicate and apply to the State Attorney General to get an afternoon to herself” is the biggest fear I have about parenting — and we don’t even have our baby HOME yet.
And my husband is fantastic, don’t get me wrong, and we share the household tasks equally (without any exhortation on my part; it just happens naturally), but still I have a dire fear that we will fall into this trap. Because it seems that EVERYONE DOES.
As for the happy moments, I wrote something really cheesy about the miracle of international adoption, but I have now erased it because it was too earnest to see the light of day, and people can get plenty of that from my own site; I needn’t infect yours with my Pollyannaish musings.
Am late to game, but still want to play! Happiest event in my woe-fully single and lately uneventful (read: heading straight to spinsterhood) life… A voicemail from my 3 year old niece wishing me a happy birthday. Don’t know why, but it made me so f-ing happy to hear that little voice (sounding like a little laday, not a little girl). Yes, I’ve listened to the message a million times.
OMG. I share your annoyance about husbands who are somehow physically unable to accomplish any other task besides child supervision when alone with the kids. Come on, THE DISHWASHER DOESN’T EMPTY ITSELF.
But anyway! Happiness = watching Olympic swimming, my new discovery of C.O. Bigelow Mentha Lip Shine in the Cinnamint flavor, and the fact that I am getting a delivery from gap.com today.
What has made me happy lately? Buying an original signed X-Files script on eBay. Because, yes, I am a big X-Files nerd SO TAKE THAT YOU LOUSY STINKIN’ CRITICS WHO UNFAIRLY BASHED THE NEW MOVIE AND DROVE PEOPLE AWAY FROM THE THEATERS BEFORE THEY EVEN GAVE THE FILM A CHANCE!
(Ok, that part did NOT make me happy. Maybe I should have stuck with the original topic?)
i walked into my boys’ bedroom this morning, and was greeted by three gummy grins. miles still had his pacifier in his mouth, oliver shrieked a little, and linus rolled onto his back from the sheer joy of seeing mama.
i’m not half as happy in the morning as they are, but seeing them helps de-grumpify me a lot.
I love these “its not just ME” moments :). Man I tell ya - 30-40 minutes to go for a run on Saturday has been a major struggle for..um…5 years. I do it every weekend. We both agree fitness is a good thing. But every. damn. weekend:
Me: I’m going now. Okay?
Him: hmmmf.
Me: I’ll only be half and hour.
Him: Just hurry up. Grumble.
Argh.
Happiness- me and my baby naked baby girl sitting in 6 inches of river throwing rocks downstream. no one else around. Heaven.
I’m sorry - do you live my life?!? My husband is EXACTLY the same way!!!!! Maybe it’s just men…
I have to say the happiest moment(s) of my life is picking up my little guy at daycare and seeing him smile and run to me and say ‘momma’. Gets me through the day…
speaking of marriage, I got hitched! :)
formerly Stephanie Brown on your comments page…I am now Stephanie Parnell! :)
That has definately been what is making me smile (and all things associated…).
Even though I already know how it ends, watching Michael Phelps swimming via msnbc.com makes me smile, gives me chills, and then reduces me to a blubbering idiot when the national anthem plays.
My coworkers must think I’m a total freak - headphones on, diligently pretend-working, mascara streaming down my cheeks… Pretty.
I just found out that my long time friend from middle school is expecting her first child, so that was a pretty amazing moment of glee.
Also, my boyfriend just celebrated 6 months of being a non-smoker - also very, very awesome.
I saw my niece this weekend who is turning 1 soon. I hadn’t seen her in 3 months and she’s grown into a raspberry-blowing, head-bobbing, kitty-chasing cherub. She is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen and I will spoil her for as long as she’ll let me.
That being said, as much as I love her, I’m just not sure I could ever have one of my own. My little sister works 24/7 to keep that baby happy and healthy. It’s so much work I’m amazed at how she does it.
We got a Great Dane puppy when she was 5 weeks old. We already have two cats. Finally, almost 10 months later, one of the cats has been seen curled up, asleep, in the hollow of the dog’s throat. They’re apparently completely adjusted to each other now. The other cat is taking a bit more time, but seeing a dog and a cat actively seeking out each others’ company is really great.
I was just thinking about this yesterday, in fact. I think when men have kids, they continue to think of themselves as individuals first, and part of a family second, so they obviously don’t have any trouble claiming individual time. Women tend to think of themselves as part of the family first and individuals second (if at all) so they are reluctant to claim individual time and if they do they feel guilty. And I think the men see it that way, too — hence the guilt trips for the women. How this gets fixed I have no idea. My own husband doesn’t spontaneously do housework (I’ve come to believe it must be some kind of neurological disorder where he can’t see trash on the counter), but he absolutely makes sure family stuff comes before personal time. I lucked out.
Recent smiles on my face: the winning relay team. My 10-month-old son’s diapered butt disappearing around the corner as he tries to get me to chase him. 70-degree sunny weather in August.
I had deep fried Oreos at a fair this weekend. It was basically Oreos wrapped in a funnel cake and topped with powdered sugar and chocolate sauce. I was v. happy for about 5 minutes until the stomach ache kicked in!
My happy news: We are pregnant!
And on that note, I will KILL my husband if he acts this way, but I know he will. He already makes plans for after the baby will be here, and I think, are you mental?
What you described in this post is what I’d like out of a relationship one day - commitment, kids who dip that commitment in titanium, and fights that are just a bump in the road. Even though my facial expression would be frozen in LIVID over the weekend status quo.
Happiest recent moment: I was going to write about going up to Stinson Beach on Sunday to join family at a beach house, but as I was writing this post a homeless man walked past my window, pushing his stolen grocery cart. He had the best singing voice this side of the Broadway stage.
Seeing my newly adopted ex-racing greyhound discover the joys of swimming in Lake Michigan, and watching her trot along in the surf. Yay for dog retirement!
THIS:
http://jenacide.blogspot.com/2008/08/can-you-see-why-i-want-three.html
That always puts a big fat grin on my face! :-D
Men can. not. multi-task. It will get better when the kids are older, but he still won’t notice when their pants are 3″ too short or remember doctor names/phone numbers.
I tell my hubby I keep him around for his entertainment value. He comes up with funny voices and uses that to get the kids to do chores and it ends up making all of us laugh.
We moved our second son (17 months) to a booster seat and out of his highchair. I swear to God, I cannot stop staring at him when he eats his meals. He looks like some new specimen of human or something. His older brother (4 years) just doesn’t get what the big deal is since he (the big kid) has been sitting a the table for ages, but I don’t know, there is something about my baby no longer really being a baby. He has become this fully functioning human who now eats with utensils, on plates in a chair. It just slays me. Of course with this milestone came the inevitable one of learning to take off his diaper. We almost had an artistic poop rendering on the walls last night. Not so adorable.
My trip to the Bay Area (Berkeley, SF, & Napa) Thurs-Monday last week was pretty nice. ALthough I think I gained ten pounds and now fear the scale.
Anyway, I had an epiphany on the trip. You know how you wrote about how Riley was terrified of the fireworks over the Fourth of July? He kept saying that he “did NOT LIKE them,” and then at school couldn’t stop talking about how awesome they were? You wrote this really hilarious commentary on that discrepancy, about how you were such bad parents that your kids were developing alter personalities.
I have a hypothesis as to what is going on with Riley: he experiences something terrifying or painful, but survives, then feels like a hero, so that in retrospect the experience (terrible at the time) becomes a treasured memory.
I realized this on our Bay Area trip. We were on what turned out to be a 13 mile hike in Point Reyes (we intended more like a 7 mile hike but miscalculated). I have arhtritis in my hips that was really flaring painfully by mile 5, and was almost unbearable at mile 9. At that point, with four unthinkably excruciating miles left, I proposed to my husband that we start jogging, on the theory that endorphins would help alleviate the pain. I was right: it worked, and the last four miles were relatively painless. Also I felt like an amazon. ;-)
Anyway, that murderous hike/run is now my favorite memory of the whole trip. It was horrible at the time, I was struggling with the urge to complain incessantly, but I found a way through, and now I look back on it as the highlight of the trip — better than the gourmet meals, luxurious resort, gorgeous views, etc., because it mad eme feel powerful. (I had the same experience in Tuscany last year: a 7 mile hilly hike, punctuated by a fall, a bloody knee, a nearly-missed bus back to Orvieto that would have stranded us in the middle of nowhere, and the discovery that Italians have nothing comparable to Neosporin, is my favorite memory — better than the art and fine food we enjoyed while we were there.)
So maybe that’s what’s provoking Riley’s revisionism: the retropsective satisfaction of having mastered an overwhelming experience. Just a theory. (Also an mbarrassing revelation that I think about your blog when I should be enjoying stunning cliff-top views of the Pacific Ocean.)
I agree with all of this BUT, I have to say that in some ways I am to blame for the lopsided things work in our house. I tend to underestimate my hubby on the childcare thing and I think due to the fact that I double-check everything and plan so he has an easy go when I’m gone has been part of the problem. I’m enabling him to be a jackass.
So, next weekend I will be gone for 3 days while I walk in the Breast Cancer 3-Day and I’m not doing a damn thing to help him prepare for my being gone. In the past I would spent the previous week making sure that when I left that all the laundry was done, dinners were planned for easy assembly, the house was clean, etc. This time I’m not doing any of it (except for making sure my own clothes are clean). It’s been really hard for me to do - and I find myself holding back from making lists and such for him. But, he is perfectly cabable and I know that he and M will have a blast with their “just us” time.
Still doesn’t mean I can just up and leave for short little trips and outings without checking in with him first, but really he is pretty good about checking in with me, too.
Oh, and your tweet “Michael Phelps = butterface.” I couldn’t agree more.
Oh, shit. Forgot the happy moment…
It was last night as M was using her new skill of speaking in scentences” “Hi Mama! Love you!” “Hi, Daddy! Love you too!”
“Michael Phelps = butterface. I’M SORRY LADIES BUT IT’S TRUE.”
–Who is looking at his face?
Went to a Grizzly Bear show on Thursday and we are all now desperately in love with them and talking about them non-stop for the past 4 days. It’s like high school crushes! That sort of fun is pretty freaking awesome.
It was this morning. I left for my run at 5:45 - by 6:05 when I was halfway through my run the skies opened up and buckets of rain fell from the sky, so the remaining 20 minutes of my run were a complete sloshfest…I was socked from head to toe by the time I came home. When I got to the door my husband was waiting for me with a big towel so I could immediately dry off and not start shivering. It was a small thing, but it was awesome at 6:15 this morning.
I am so unable to think about happy things after reading this sentence: “WHY is it always totally okay for my husband to leave the house on his own during the weekend — without any sort of need to ask for permission” because…um, HELL YES!
Even though reading this has woken up my inner ranty bitch, I’m so glad I’m not the only one.
My son is officially a walker as of this last week or two…at night when my husband gets home I catch both of us stopping whatever we’re doing to watch him walk, dance, or do whatever funny little thing he’s doing at the moment. We’re not sappy people, but it’s pretty cool to realize that for now, our kid is awesome and learning things (hopefully we’re somewhat responsible for these things).
Oh, god. What Lawyerish said: this is my biggest fear, too. And to that I say: OH HELL NO.
People. It is Two Thousand and Eight. Don’t put up with that shit from your husbands! They made those babies too! Come on now! Grr.
Happies: I’m going to the beach soon! Yay.
Mah baby slept from 11 - 5:55 the other night, which makes me VERY happy. Of course, she won’t deign to repeat it for a while, but I enjoyed it when it happened. Also my sweet son starts school tomorrow and he’ll continue to grow and improve, I hope. So that’s two happy things!
OK - so I’m a bit of a lurker. I love your stuff even though my hubby and I don’t have any kids. But your post today made me feel like my husband isn’t the only crazy hubby on the planet. We have the exact same fight-process and go through the exact same issues about doing stuff around the house. Thank you!!!
Husband and I just tend to grumble grumble gripe and sit in stoney silence until one of us breaks (no kids to fill the air with noise and chatter even).
I think it the general strategy that spouses use to irritate the shit out of each other. It works well. Like when he has the nerve to breath and it makes me spit fire.
Seeing my fetus bonk himself in the forehead with his fist during a freebie ultrasound that my parents also got to see. One of the highlights of my life.
What’s the best thing that’s happened? Easy. Connecting with my nephew after a decade long family fued. Hearing his voice felt like a miracle. Sorry about the chore disparity. We had to have a few joint therapy sessions to work that one out. It helped a lot to have a mediator, otherwise the argument falls silent, but doesn’t really end, for us anyway.
I agree with you completely. I hate when it is expected that I will take care of everything when he runs off to the deer lease on a random sunday, or whatever, but if i need to do my boot camp, or run an errand kid-free, it’s like ‘when the fuck are you coming back?’ and i get mean glances teh rest of the evening, like how dare I leave the f-ing house. so annoying.
what things are making me happy right now?:
-I’m going to New Orleans on the 30th for a girls only weekend.
-I’m planning a trip to New York in September to go to a Yankees game b4 they knock down the stadium.
-I start grad school next week. weee!
My happy thing. It’s a small deal, but since I suck at anything to do with the kitchen and food prep, I was thrilled that I successfully made these:
http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/DARK-CHOCOLATE-DIPPED-CHERRY-ICE-CREAM-CONES-242992
(It was really easy, actually. And they look impressive.)
Now I have huge self-confidence that I can make them AGAIN for dessert this Friday (perfect for a hot day) for 6 dinner guests!
Small occasional successes make me happy. And make me less irritated when my hubs messes up the house!
There is no happy here. I feel your pain, have been sharpening cutlery since Saturday morning. I’m so angry and frustrated with my husband right now, I can’t talk about it without bursting into tears of anger. Wanna meet for lunch?
No. Happy.
It is hard to think happy thoughts when now annoyed with husband for his sense of entitlement. Everyone thinks *they* will be different and it’s distressing when it ends up just so typical…
BUT happiest moment lately was taking one-year old to a swimming pool on a hot sunny day and spinning her round and round in the water while she laughed and smiled into my eyes.
I won’t say that your blog post is the happiest event of my recent life, because that sounds pitiful and it really isn’t true, but I sure do relate! Oh yes I do. How’s this: I ran 4 miles a few days ago. I have never done that before. It felt real, real good. Made me happy.
my dog greeting me when i come home. every day.
william hugging me in his sleep when i had a nightmare.
the person who thinks they found jesus on a cheeto–i’ve been laughing about that for a good two weeks.
saw a rainbow today on the way home from work; it was so vibrant and huge and just plain awesome.
sorry you’re crabby. you know what almost always works for me? i blast guns n’ rosesor the romantics (what i like about you), or stevie wonder (superstition) and dance around like an idiot, no matter how much i don’t want to initially. works (almost) every time.
OH! I feel like I could have written this post myself. I usually check your blog during the day, but I am doing it this evening, because tonight my sweet, dear (flea-bag, a-hole) husband…oh, nevermind you asked for something that makes me laugh? At the moment, I am chuckling thinking about writing ‘I’m wearing a g-string’ with permanent marker on the back of all his dress shirts. But, I won’t… :)
Anyway, after reading your post, I don’t feel so alone and almost want to forgive the little buggar for something he’s not even sure he said.
Best thing on my end? My ten month old started clapping and can now say, “Uh-Oh”, but it’s more, “Uh-Uh”! Too cute! My middle daughter is starting Kdg. tomorrow, and my oldest decided she “needed” enormous, dangling, Eiffel Tower earrings, so I indulged her and became “cool mom”! Won’t last… she doesn’t know that they won’t be worn to school… :)
Was that Josh up there? That might be my happy. Or maybe it was finding new floors for our kitchen & hallway at a fantasticly cheap price this weekend. And arranging for my sister & her carpenter husband to visit to install them. I miss my sister…
For me, it’s just being pregnant, as sucky as it’s been. (And lo, it has been SUCKY.) But it’s nice to know that it’s there. It is.
Of course, this has also been the greatest source of anxiety for me as well. Good times.
I just had a little baby girl two weeks ago - a brilliantly happy event by itself, but unfortunately the after effects of severe pre ecclampsia and then a traumatic birth, plus a tiny baby having to stay in the special care nursery left me feeling….. a little ambivalent, and absolutely shit scared of this little being in my life.
The happiness part however, is two fold…. I have realised just how deep the love I have for my husband is - he is a king amongst men, and also that I just checked on my tiny sleeping bundle, and for the first time my heart skipped a beat and I thought how amazing she is. Hooray - turns out I am not a cold hearted zombie woman after all!!!
Holy cow, either I’m married to JB or you are married to my husband, because it is the same exact shit in my house. (The inability to lift a finger when alone with the children, that is).
Flying first class, courtesy of my partner, across the Atlantic to surprise attend someone’s wedding in New England. Were it not for her, I would not have started blogging and I would not have met Joe Brown with whom I have now lived with for a year. It was nearly a month ago but I’m still smiling.