I am getting old and cranky, which I suppose is mildly better than old and gaseous like our aging Lab, but now that I think about it I sit around ripping enormous farts delicate emissions every single goddamned time I eat cherries (WTF, cherries? What are they made out of, PURE METHANE?) these days, so great, I’m old and gassy AND cranky. You kids get off my lawn afore I blast you out with mah rump-trumpet.

ANYWAY. I’ve noticed that I am increasingly irritated by certain terms, which are perfectly benign when taken out of Annoying Person context, but once they’re wielded like a self-righteous lightsaber formed entirely of catshit, they’re damn near intolerable. For instance: vegan, organic, attachment.

Hey, I’m all for saving the earth. I like the earth, I totally live here and everything. I think people are awesome for deciding not to eat animals and choosing to use natural cleaning products and reducing their carbon footprints and happily wearing children strapped to their bodies 24/7, I really do.

BUT. If you decide it’s your holy right to give me a raft of crap for using paper towels or putting my kids in their own rooms to sleep or not wetting my pants over ingredient lists or eating a turkey burger, I swear it makes me want to cram a child-labor-produced formaldehyde off-gassing BPA-loaded cow-torturing environmentally-unfriendly bottle-feeding SUV right in your pious piehole.

(And by you I don’t mean you, duh. YOU are super. Are you doing something different with your ass? Because it’s looking so . . . so buoyant. Can I grab it, just a little? Just cup a cheek? One cheek?)

I think some of us are just getting a little hysterical. Seriously, when did admitting that you use fabric softener become a confession on par with “Oh, when I’m not performing unwanted sex acts on minors, I’m usually, you know, clubbing Harbor seal pups or defecating on religious artifacts”? It’s LAUNDRY. SHUT UP. If you’re running your yap in order to criticize, shut it UP about your bicycle, your Starbucks ban, your devotion to raw foods, your aversion to all chemicals, your intolerance for formula feeding, and your sustainably-harvested hand-woven baby sling.

Whew. See? Old, cranky. Someone pass the caffeinated phosporic acid. Also: Gas-X.


149 Responses to “Green, mean”

  1. Sundry on August 20th, 2008 12:30 pm

    Oh my aching god, abolitionists? MOVEMENT OF MY CHOICE. Right now it’s “BOWEL”, aimed at “YOUR HEAD”, Katherine.

    I kid, I kid. (MAYBE)

  2. Katherine on August 20th, 2008 12:40 pm

    Touche! (I really did set myself up nicely for that one, didn’t I?)

  3. har on August 20th, 2008 1:14 pm

    I think I agree with you, Katherine! I’m not a saint and I don’t do anything good for the environment, but it’s totally true that every time some faction of humanity tries, or has ever tried, to do something new, they have to listen to a ration of “THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! YOU WILL NEVER TAKE AWAY MY (x)!” I guess that’s what makes life interesting, though.

  4. Jennifer on August 20th, 2008 1:27 pm

    I like Silene’s summary the best: …even the most hardcore vegan bike-to-work person is consuming something…. most people are making at least some changes for the better, and no matter how small, those changes do count. The problem is all this judgmentalism does way more harm than good.

    So – yeah – do what you can, change where you may, and just worry about that guy on the other side of the mirror.

  5. Jenn Perryman on August 20th, 2008 2:28 pm

    I needed the laugh. And, suddenly feel the urge to confess that I shop at Walmart, and ENJOY it.

  6. mojavi at simple things on August 20th, 2008 2:35 pm

    hmmmmmmm are people really making other people feel guilty for using paper towels and fabric softener?

    I personally think it isn’t what you can’t do, but what you can do.

    When did going green and being a vegan equal each other.

    When did attachment parenting become about just wearing your kid and not giving them a bedroom?

    funny post… man I was shocked at how many people agree

  7. Michelle on August 20th, 2008 2:52 pm

    Gosh, I am not perfect by any means – my child uses plastic plates, I still have some non-natural cleaning agents, etc. – but, I think about how I can change these things often. I give myself goals, “Next month we will no longer use paper towels.” I am actually pretty proud of the progress I have made over the last couple of years.

    I guess I just find it sad to see posters say . . . “I am addicted to zip-locks and paper towels and I don’t give a fuck. Aren’t I silly and cute?” Why don’t you want to change if you are admittedly being wasteful? Also, seeing how much money you save over time when you refrain form buying disposable products is very rewarding.

    and for “g~”: There are people who use cloth instead of toilet paper (my family not included) although I do use cloth wipes on my toddler, and woman can use a product like the diva cup instead of tampons.

  8. Mom, Ink. on August 20th, 2008 2:54 pm

    Okay first? Clearly you live in the great Pacific Northwest. Crunchy capital of the world.

    Second, I have one word for you…Beano.

    Okay, now I have to run to Costco to buy more paper towels and Boca burgers. They cancel each other out, right?

  9. kristylynne on August 20th, 2008 3:13 pm

    Good point. I have a few crunchy friends, and for a long time when I was around them I never felt like I was doing things quite right as a consumer and a parent. Until I finally realized that they weren’t the ones making me feel guilty. I was making MYSELF feel guilty.

    So, I do what I can without unreasonable inconvenience or expense, but I’ll only go so far. I have friends who did not buy a single thing for an entire year. I admire that, but it ain’t for me. Everybody needs to live their own way. It’s kinda like my take on religion: believe what you want, but don’t try to convert others.

  10. Ash on August 20th, 2008 3:52 pm


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  11. Anonymous on August 20th, 2008 4:30 pm

    I can’t wait for all the cloth diapering moms to have their kids turn around + put them in adult cloth diapers when they’re old! ;)

  12. Michelle on August 20th, 2008 4:47 pm

    I’m confused. Are you saying that I am making my child uncomfortable in cloth diapers? You should check out the “new” cloth like bumGenius and fuzzibunz.

  13. Amy on August 20th, 2008 4:58 pm

    Oh god…I use disposable diapers AND fabric softner. Am I in trouble again?

    And for the jam….they have a low sugar version (long time no jam…but I think it’s somewhere on the big ‘ol instruction sheet they cram in the tiny pectin box). It’s still a butt load of sugar, but a relatively small and bouyant butt load in comparison to the regular version. Still yummy!

  14. Lisa {milkshake} on August 20th, 2008 5:01 pm

    Oh, AMEN from an SUV-driving, paper-towel-using mom of a bottle-fed kid.

    Yesterday my neighbor thought it important to tell my four-year-old all about skin cancer. Because she was playing OUTSIDE. IN THE SUN. Then he turned my hose off so we wouldn’t waste any more water. No joke.

  15. JLS on August 20th, 2008 6:11 pm

    So- what about someone who bottle feeds while baby is in sling? OR- disposable diapers, but feeds organic baby food? I tried to make my own, dammit, but that’s to f’ing hard! I want to be green, but the closest I seem to be getting is shopping at Whole Foods… but only for chips and smoothies… I suck, huh? :) I did buy Method soap- it was on sale. My husband drives a Jetta? Ok, I’m done trying…
    Wait- I recycle… Oh I’ll never fit in… :)

  16. Lea White on August 20th, 2008 6:16 pm

    My funniest experience:

    X: “I’m a vegetarian”
    Me: “But you eat chicken”
    X: “Oh chicken is not meat”
    Me: “Okay… if you say so…”

    We do recycle in New Zealand and we unintentionally chose a fuel-economical car (which is good for us money-wise), both my girls were fed on formula, we try to eat healthy but do eat meat and so on and yes, it will set me off too if people were trying to find fault with how we do things.

    Lea White

  17. Angela on August 20th, 2008 6:24 pm

    “defecating on religious artifacts” I’m saving that little gem for a rainy day. CRACKING UP!

  18. lisa on August 20th, 2008 6:33 pm

    I think I love you.

    Funny stuff! :)

  19. JG on August 20th, 2008 6:37 pm

    “I guess I just find it sad to see posters say . . . ‘I am addicted to zip-locks and paper towels and I don’t give a fuck. Aren’t I silly and cute?'”

    Me too. I’m writing about/suffering through veganism right now, and I try really hard not to be a douche about it because I wasn’t vegan all of five minutes ago and I had my reasons, so whatever. And I fly all over the world and pollute the atmosphere, among other infractions, so I’m not judging.

    But that whole “charming irreverence” bit that everyone likes to do is so played out it’s ridiculous. It was funny and fresh online when Dooce did it about Mormonism several years ago, but now it just seems petty and unoriginal. It’s laughable that anyone thinks they’re being edgy when they joke about how bacon is tasty, tasty murder. Eat meat if you want to, but I beg of you, people, get a new shtick already. Do it for the sake of comedy if you can’t do it for the sake of the earth!

  20. MizzM on August 20th, 2008 7:41 pm

    HA! And HA HA HA!

    And you know what your problem is? You live in Washington, which is full of, well, how do I put this nicely? People who CHARGE MONEY for using plastic grocery bags.

    You need to spend more time with the Moderate Majority who don’t drive SUVs, eat a couple of meat-free meals each week, recycle, xeriscape, still buy Comet Cleanser (because it’s CHEAP), still celebrate Halloween, and breast-fed their babies, supplementing with formula the entire time.

    You know what makes me fart? Tomato sauce. (Unless there is a whole lot of meat added to it, of course)

  21. sweetsalty kate on August 20th, 2008 7:53 pm

    Can I just say one thing before I get a hundred and one rubber chickens (bloody, tortured chickens! WOE! WOE!) thrown at my head?

    You want sanctimonious high-horse riding smug fuckers? Try being a vegetarian surrounded by defensive meat eaters–even a vegetarian who doesn’t care what anyone else eats. SIGH.

    Honestly, I think my family would have been more comfortable if I’d become a stripper. Actually I HAD to become a stripper just to make up for giving up teh sausage. I am wearing my nipple tassles RIGHT NOW. I wish they would stop making me dance for strangers, but I will say the extra money comes in handy.


  22. Sundry on August 20th, 2008 8:10 pm

    I . . . dude. Shnozz, for the love of all that is Taking Shit Way the Hell Too Seriously, tell me you did not just write that.

    Okay, if you think THAT’S played out, how about this: MAYBE ALL THOSE NOT-DOGS ARE MAKING YOU A LITTLE FUSSY.

    (Disclaimer: I have no idea if you eat Not-Dogs.)

  23. JG on August 20th, 2008 8:29 pm

    I know, I know. I’m a dicktowel.

    The “I would be a better person, but bacon is just so tasty, har har!” thing doesn’t make me mad. It’s just DULL. So hopelessly dull, my God.

    Leave it in 1998 where it belongs and find some refreshing new way to burn me. I’ll laugh, I promise. I live for that shit.

  24. Kelly on August 20th, 2008 8:35 pm

    Amen sista!

    And yes, you can grab a cheek ;)

  25. JG on August 20th, 2008 8:44 pm

    (And dude, my diet is ABSOLUTELY making me cranky as hell. I really am sorry for that. I would have been nicer. I think.)

  26. E. on August 21st, 2008 12:59 am

    There is a 20-year old at my work who comments every time I bring in a Starbucks, and it makes me want to kick her in the shins. Does she know what I eat? Where I shop? How I clean? Um, does she know anything about my consumer habits beyond my once-a-week Starbucks habit? NO.

    It makes me LIVID.

  27. Kerri on August 21st, 2008 5:40 am

    OMG thank you for mentioning the cherries. I thought it was just me. I LOVE the dang things (despite their high price this year) and spent the last 3 weeks gorging myself on them, but oh the gas cramps and the, er, releases. It’s bad, yo.

  28. Reactionary on August 21st, 2008 7:11 am

    In my neck of the woods, I’m still on the defensive for NOT eating half a hormone-filled cow every day. If I spout my reasons for organics, less meat, etc., it’s because I feel like maybe I’ll get less crap the next time someone hears I’m “forcing” my poor children to drink that disgusting organic milk. I only talk about it if someone else brings it up, though.

    Just a side comment – hybrids work out cheaper if you are buying a new car anyway. Especially if you pick one that still gets a tax credit. Personally I still have at least 5 years left on my Ion so I’m not buying a hybrid yet.

  29. Jaime on August 21st, 2008 9:31 am

    I’m good because even though garbage pick up is twice a week we only put out the can once a week.

    And no it’s not just because we don’t have kids, we totally recycle too – except when I pull an old can of beans out of the back of the fridge – that goes straight into the once a week garbage can.

    Geez, what do people want from us?

  30. lisa-marie on August 21st, 2008 3:40 pm

    Amen, sister. Amen.

  31. lee on August 21st, 2008 7:09 pm

    i love those bitches who extole the virues of “green” living as they suck on a marlboro red and blow cancerous fumes in my face. i guess they are grumpy because their fabric is too hard!

  32. Emerald on August 22nd, 2008 6:03 pm

    Linda, you’re awesome when you’re pissed. Can I make you a steak or something? ‘Cause I’m one of those awesome vegetarians who doesn’t give other people shit (uh hello, Josh worships meat) so I don’t feel at all offended at your outrage. Unsolicited life coaches suck ass.

  33. Mom101 on August 23rd, 2008 5:11 pm

    I officially love you. I cordially invite you to NYC to share a transfat-laden cheeseburger and a few (full calorie) beers at a favorite sidewalk cafe with me while my children go ignored in a nearby high chair, wearing diposable diapers and breathing in the fumes from the M5 bus.

  34. candi on August 23rd, 2008 5:14 pm

    Linda, after reading this post I seriously think I have a crush on you. Haha

  35. typealice » Blog Archive » Wal Mart Moms (R) on August 26th, 2008 10:39 am

    […] What I’m always surprised at are the amount of people who rally around other similar people who aren’t very “green” like in this comment section of another one of Sundry’s posts. It’s all “YOU GO GIRL! SCREW THE EARTH! Those lame eco-friendly people are so fucking lame and judgmental!” And by making fun of us- um, aren’t you being judgmental too? Like one charming commenter said: “The Green Trolls (hee! Get it?) are more obnoxious on the internet than the Militant Nursing Advocates. And that says a lot.” […]

  36. Asheo on August 28th, 2008 12:28 pm

    I agree, I’m sick of hearing about the green crap… I even more hate how certain people decide that they hate someone for doing something they wouldn’t… it’s rediculous.
    I breastfeed because my sister and cousins did, seemed like the way to go.
    I cloth diaper because I think it’s cute… but once in a while my husband or MIL buy sposies and I’ll use them all before even considering my cloth diapers (because I use prefolds, snappis, and covers… it just takes so long with a wiggly baby).
    I wear my baby, very rarely cuz he’s way too heavy now, and he hates to be held anyways.
    My baby sleeps in a crib in our room, but we sleep in the living room, been this way for a month, he’s getting his own room this weekend so we can have our bed back! He sleeps thru the night now without our tossing, coughing, getting up to pee noise.
    I still use plastic everything – bottles/sippy cups/grocerie bags/toys…
    I use dryer sheets.
    I have a clothes line, but I prefer to just toss everything into the dryer, it’s faster.
    I never shut my computer off.
    We live pretty close to the stores we shop at regularly, but we choose to drive there more often than not.
    I buy baby food from walmart or loblaws, I’m too lazy to make it myself.
    I don’t care what’s in the food I eat, as long as it tastes good.
    and mmmmmmm chicken wings!

  37. Heather on September 6th, 2008 10:25 am

    I think I love you! And rump-trumpet? Where do you come up with these things? LOL So funny!

  38. Michelle on October 27th, 2008 7:38 pm

    So, I was just pointed in your direction today because of today’s post. First of all, I’m with ya on all of this. Apparently those of us who use fabric softener, don’t breastfeed and use disposable diapers are not fit to be parents. I’m not sure how all that correlates, but I’m pretty sure that is what these people think. I’d like these people to go to the store with a 3 year old, a 21 month old and a 7 month old and not have a tantrum, or worry about what detergent to buy. Absolute BS if you ask me and I’m glad I’m not surrounded by pompous and closed minded asses like your former reader. Good for you for standing up for yourself and not putting up with that crap.

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