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Sep
20
If you don’t hear from me for a few days it’s because I have died. Or possibly I will be in jail for husband-cide, since JB is leaving for over a WEEK on a business trip to China which includes an extra couple of days to hike the Great Wall. I’m very happy for him, except for the part where I sort of hope he gets explosive diarrhea.
Oh, ha ha, not really. Maybe just a bad case of gas.
He’s flying business class, too, which completely erodes any sense of sympathy I might have had about such a long flight. “Northwest doesn’t even have first class,” he told me, all disgusted and woe-is-me. Isn’t that a SHAME, he only gets a Barcalounger, an IV drip of champagne, and caviar shoveled into his mouth by sinewy, cat-eyed flight attendants named Osana — what a HUMAN TRAGEDY it is to fly business class.
I’ll be sure to think sorrowfully on his plight when I’m washing up the aftermath of my seventh shit diaper of the day and eating a sleeve of Saltines over the kitchen sink.
His parents are coming to stay for a few days, which is going to be an enormous help and offload some of the crushing loneliness, and I suppose I can take solace in the fact that I can rent all the zombie movies I want without having someone moan about how these aren’t fast zombies are they oh my god I hate the fast ones (HELLO? Once you go fast, you never go back), but hoo boy, I foresee some long days ahead.
Oh sure, they LOOK innocent, but you know they are plotting my downfall. Someone’s going to develop an ear infection/barfing disease/painful new tooth this week, don’t you think? LET’S TAKE BETS.
Comments
64 Responses to “Gearing up”
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I think the little sweetie-kissykins looking one is going to do the barfing, and the slightly-less-little calm little helper is going to get the screaming ear infection and then fight you on taking each dose of medicine.
I’d love to place a bet, but I’m still stuck on…fast zombies. Whaaaaaaa?
I’m all about positive thinking. Let me demonstrate. You are strong! You can do the 30 day shred, so you laugh (ha ha ha!) at short people terrorizing you with their immune systems or lack thereof. You will eat everything that JB hates, you will take photos for him daily, AND don’t forget the welcome home noogie. Just saying.
…is Riley READING???
Am totally lovin’ Dylan’s (and Cat’s) sweet delicious neck rolls!
On Day 4 of the Shred BTW. I hobble I’m in so much pain, but I swear I already look more lean + toned. ;)
I love that Riley is reading Archie comics.
Best of luck during your week alone! I would definitely want to commit husband-cide too, no doubt about it.
Oh ya, ya - and also they will produce LOUD OH SO SHRILL simultaneous wails of protest, right when you need to take a business call AND go to the bathroom! Arhghgh!!!!!
Much solidarity coming your way. I think I may be tempted to make a voodoo doll of my husband ACCIDENTALLY twisting his ankle. Oh no, now he’s unable to even go to the Great Wall. What? I said accidentally.
You have my sympathy….My DH is going out of town for a couple days, but nothing as exotic as China. My kids are older, so I don’t worry about the sudden illness thing (much). But I DO get to torture them with my mad vegetarian cooking skilz while their dad is gone. Mwah-Ha-Ha! There are some benefits to hubby’s traveling on business.
Man, I am SO there with you. My wife is out of town in Tokyo for 10 days, while I am home dealing with potty training/financial crises/work schedule from hell. Like you, I have also eaten at least 2+ sleeves of Saltines this week, all of them standing up. Have you been shotgunning Rockstar all day at work because you are so sleepy that you fear driving off the road on your way home? If so, then I may propose that we enroll in some kind of emergency marriage for use during times of mutual spousal absence. Downside: Polygamy, ick. Upside: tag team increases laundry efficiency by 200%.
Sofia made it pretty clear from the outset what kind of a week this was going to be. After the requisite hugs and kisses, the wife stepped out of the door on Monday morning and - I am not even kidding - within 2 seconds Sofia announced that she had pooped in her underwear. I mean, the door was even still open; I hadn’t even have time to close it yet. She has some kind of superhero intuition for ridiculously inconvenient potty emergencies. Why couldn’t she get a heat ray or something?
Tell JB not to drink ANY milk or milk products when he’s in China.
Btw, wasn’t someone recently in here mentioning the will-crushing hardship of single parenthood? I seem to recall this.
HOW COME your carpets are always so damn clean, woman? O_o
And what camera and lens do you use for your awesome photographs?
And do you have a good supply of chocolate built up for your upcoming week? ;oP
My money is on Cat. Cat looks very suspicious, if you ask me. Maybe Cat and Dylan are in cahoots, yeah. Betcha didn’t think about that, didja?!
And on that note I am so going to bed. But I would still keep an eye on Cat.
I remember when JB sent you that sweet text at Blogher saying you were superwoman for what you are able to manage when he’s gone. He remembers that weekend too, right? So since he’s going to be gone for over a WEEK, I certainly hope you have a lot lined up for when he gets back - a Marshall’s trip, a mani/pedi, maybe a massage (I may be the only person on earth who doesn’t enjoy them, but hopefully you do) a book store day, etc. You will have accumulated a ton of Wifely Frequent Fight or Flight Mileage by then and I hope he knows you’ll be cashing it in!
Good luck and I hope your kidlings stay illness-free the whole time.
Aww I was thinking as I saw the pics… but they LOOK so cute and innocent! Good luck this week
I hope everyone stays healthy and that the week goes fast. You are good, there is no way I could do it. I don’t even like when my husband is seconds late getting home from work!
The kid is reading Archie already? Wow, he’s got an advanced sense of humor. Please don’t mention ear infections again, we’re in the middle of battling two kids with colds and ear infections and I think I’m going to run away from home.
I hope the kids take it easy on you but you’re right, they’re probably plotting something totally evil.
Just think how much more you will appreciate nap time and bed time!
Oh yeah, it’s so hard when the husband leaves.
I hope everyone stays healthy for you.
My husband is heading to Key West for a week-long business trip the first week of October. Toddler is still teething and I’ll be eight and a half months pregnant.
But now I will think, yikes, at least it’s not China.
Good luck, lady. I hope your little men treat you right.
Oh, there’s no doubt there will be some kind of illness and I will also throw in high odds of some kind of household emergency. Maybe a broken washer or dryer — not to jinx you or anything, but I swear children and appliances/cars are in cahoots and coordinate their breakdowns. My crisis usually involves a kitchen appliance but since yours are probably new since you recently remodeled so I think you’re safe with those.
My comment didn’t make sense there - but you know what I mean. I need more coffee before I’m coherent.
Your boys are so cute. How could your week alone with them be anything but joyous? Hee, hee. :)
Longtime reader, first time commenter… only to say that:
1.) You will survive, for sure, but I totally sympathize.
2.) I am kinda with your a-hole business trip-taking, wife-abandoning husband on the fast zombie thing. My husband and I have this argument regularly. My argument is “they are not real zombies if they are FAST, the scary thing about zombies is that they SHAMBLE” but my argument sort of falls apart when we watch one of the fast zombie movies and OMFG those guys are scary. (Sorry, that was a bit of a rant but I share your passion for zombie movies.)
that picture of Cat and Dylan is so impossibly cute. . .
One of my girls always gets sick the day of or the day after my husband leaves on trips. Only he’s gone for 2 months or more (thank you, Air Force)(not really). So I get to clean up all the puke by myself. It’s great! But I do get to rent all the scary movies I want because he’s not there being whiny baby about being too scared.
Good luck, good luck, good luck!
Maybe you could get one of these for your yard?
http://www.designtoscano.com/product/more+themes/halloween+decor/the+zombie+of+montclaire+moors+sculpture+-+db383020.do
Sorry, nothing to do with your upcoming week of stress and chaos. Only sympathy for you there.
But your kitchen is beautiful. Hey, I was struck by a question yesterday: You don’t do booze OR sugar OR junk food. As far as I can tell, the only “sedative”/mood stabilizer in your life is exercise. Which, WTF. You must be in really, really good mental health (the way you write about your body makes me think that you are). Have you done a lot of work in therapy over the last few years? It’s not like I thought you were in “bad” mental health before — I’ve always thought your writing was brilliant and hilarious — it’s just, dang, woman, you HAVE NO CRUTCHES ANY MORE. How did you get to a place where you need nothing but possibly a little Turbo Jam to get through the day?
I’ll tell you, though, it is AMAZING what regular exercise does for your brain. Uh, shit, let me clarify: MY brain. My personal brain is personally much much much happier when my body, speaking only personally here, is active.
My husband went away for a 5 day biz trip a little while ago and all of our chickens decided it would be a great time to start flying out of their pen. Yeah. Cuz that’s just what you need to be doing at bedtime when you have a cranky toddler and a crying infant. Catching chickens.
Neither kid got sick but I sure felt like leaving the fowl to get eaten by coyotes.
May the force be with you! It is difficult enough to be a single parent when the other is out of town on a completely work-related venture, slightly more difficult when part of it is just pure fun. (Not that you don’t want him to have fun. . .)
Hang in there; this too shall pass.
Hah! I know what you mean, those days can stretch out a long ways ahead of you with no other adult contact. Good luck!
Is it just me or is Cat looking especially girthy these days?
Hang in there- your time will come!
All the cuteness took away what I was going to say, but I will soldier on. We went to China business class this summer and it was AWESOME, so totally kick his ass. Also, my husband is going to play POKER in Niagara Falls for 6 days in October. Every time it comes up I have to breathe into a paper bag, and I only have ONE kid. But he puts her to bed every night, and now I have too? WTF? I am already letting friends and family know that I will be ALONE IN THE HOUSE with the child, so they can check on me to make sure I am not shoving my head in the sink, the one with the garbarator.
xo
Okay, you had to have posed that shot with Riley reading Archie, right? Or does he really like Archie stories?? Tooooo cute.
We’re having our first ear infection over here, come on, join the Amoxill-colored fun! (Hope not - good luck!)
looks like some star shaped pancakes are in the works :)
no bets, my bet will be your week goes much smoother than you anticipated and you plop down with a sigh next to JB when he gets back and say, knock on wood? this week made single parenting look easy.
;)
My non-parentness is showing - my first thought about that last picture was “Oh my GOSH, her kitchen is beautiful!”
Followed closely by “aww, helper.” But still. I drooled all over your cabinets and countertop, sorry. I’ll clean my mess. :)
I noticed that Riley, just like my son, has all the requisite boy bumps and bruises on his shins! Have fun this week and good luck! :)
Forget the diseases, I want to see bets on Cell Phone vs. Monster Truck: Showdown!
Cat is HUGE! And I second the cell phone vs. monster truck. :-)
Oh, I really sympathize on the husband-out-of-town front. Mine is gone about 50% of the time. Last week I had my inlaws come for a visit while he was out and I found a whole new appreciation of them.
When my husband travels, I also enjoy working more. It’s healthy for me, especially when it’s some of the only interaction I get with other adults.
I am cackling with not-very-supportive laughter. When my kids were 3 and 1 my husband took a job wherein he was gone for 5 days out of 7 every week. And I have not been the same. Woe. PS Jillian made me her bitch this weekend and i LIKE it.
Oh, man. I do not envy you one bit…that sounds very stressful! Good luck with the little ones, and I will keep my fingers crossed that no one comes down with an ear infection/stomach flu/ebola virus.
Where oh where did you get that adorable little sleeper that Dylan is wearing?
Um, I just saw 28 Weeks Later and those are some FAST MoFoing Zombies!!! AHHH IIIEEEE They are so scary.
I love your comment up there. :)
Every single time my husband leaves we have this - puking, puking + the other end exploding, the hot water heater breaking down and flooding my daughter’s room, the kids and I were in a hit and run accident, you name it and it does happen when they leave - I wish someone would write a bestseller about what law in the universe determines this phenomena!
Your group therapy here is here for you. :)
Aargh. Feel your pain. After child #2 was born, my husband’s company decided to reorganize and give him different responsibilities that required frequent travel. Brilliant. Meanwhile I stay home with the kids and try not to stick forks in my eyes while he is out of town.
Hope your week goes fast and he brings you back a great Chinese zombie movie to watch.
You can do it! Go for it.
But I would have all emergency numbers - including the vet’s - right by your bedside. That’s just me.
OMG - I SO feel your pain. My husband is going to the fucking British Virgin Islands (aka PARADISE) in late October for 7 days - all for his best friend’s wedding. Of course, we were all invited (him, me, the kid) but who wants to pay $3,000 in airfare and then another $2,000 in accommodations? Or should I say, WHO CAN? SO - he gets to go alone. (Yes, you got it, at the cost of $3,000+). I, on the other hand, get to stay home with our 2.5 year old, cleaning up poop and working my ass off to support my loving husband’s idyllic fall journey. Fucker. Another commenter cracked me up when she said she has to breath into a paper bag whenever the topic of her husband’s trip comes up - ME, TOO. I get all pissed off and jealous inside and try to think about all the bad things I will do while he is gone. Like, uh…eat ice cream! Watch movies/shows about slutty women and even sluttier men! Take the afternoon off work! Wow - doesn’t that sound like a great trade off? If anything, fantasize about the moment when you get to tell JB that you are going away on a solo vacation to Mexico or wherever it is that you want to go and be alone - for a week. And hey, I can sympathize with your potty training drama - we are living the dream as well.
Oh I feel your pain! I’m dreading the 2-3 week period my DH is going to Europe in the 1st quarter next year. Let us all know how it goes and how you did it! Also I hate the fact that you feel the need to change your language in your comment to Victoria. You should be able to say “your brain” as in general without the TROLLS coming out! Also I’m afraid of 30DS can a newbie to exercise do it or should I start slower with something else?
I’m going to put my money on painful new tooth AND a plumbing emergency… either an overflowing toilet or the also popular burst pipe.
Wait, that is what happened to me when my husband had a business trip.
Good luck!
A note on traveling by plane: tell your husband to buy a lot of liquids for the plane trip over and he should NOT DRINK any coffee or tea or plain water on the plane because he WILL become ill from the water, it tends to be contaminated with E.Coli, the airlines do not treat their water dispensing systems for drinking water AND if that is not charming enough the bathrooms are not well cleaned either, so use Purell or other hand sanitizer after using the facilities, that will at least get him to the Mainland safely.
N29QML Hello
I am Russo
Business class sounds like it rocks. I hope I get to see it one day. And I’m so with you on the fast zombies thing. They are waaaaaaay cooler than slow ones. I mean, I still love your classic zombie film, but it’s just proven fact that fast things are scarier than slow things. For instance, what’s scarier to you, a rabid Kenyan or a rabid paraplegic? Polar bears or koala bears? Ninjas or that old guy from Kung Fu: the Legend Continues? I rest my case.
Fast zombies are awesome.
When JB gets back, you owe yourself a trip to the spa!
I need my daily Sundry fix…JB has to come back!!!
Does this mean I actually have to work??? At work! Cruel and unusual I say!!
All kidding aside. I have 6 days of single momdom coming in November. I’m shivering just thinking about it.
Sooo funny!
Just got back from over 3 weeks in China, including hiking the Great Wall. Well not just back, back a few weeks. It’s hard work. I speak a bit of Mandarin which helped when I could get folks to stick to the script. (3 blocks turn left, one block turn right NOT well… let me see, perhaps you should cut through the train station…) Might be easier for your hubby with a group and probable tour guide. Much easier for men as the squat toilet isn’t as scary. I’m trying to say it won’t be all fun and games for him but I am not succeeding.
Another thought: when I lived in Asia, I travelled all around for business. I said to a guy on a plane once that all of us from Hong Kong were getting off the plane in Taiwan and all the Taiwan people were getting on the plane to HK. Couldn’t we work it out that we all worked in our own country? He was horrified. I realise now he was horrified at the thought of being home with poopy diapers instead of at a 5 star hotel with maid service and free liquor.
Hang in there! I… I am sending vibes of SEDATION your way. How long does this mean we have to wait for another post? HUH? HOW LONG? (What selfish, horrible readers we are, only thinking about OURSELVES.)
You could always make the kids watch a zombie movie and then tell them that the fast zombies are a’comin’ for them IF THEY DO NOT BEHAVE.
Good healthy thoughts your way. I was gone for 2 1/2 days and Theo decided to cut a new tooth. Apparently it wasn’t very fun for Bryan. Sigh. Kids have it planned don’t they?
Oh and BTW I LOVE DYLAN’S JAMMIES! Where did you get them? *swoon*
Just checking in and hope you’re doing ok. A whole week on your own with one toddler and one baby cannot be easy.
PS. Cookies are permitted.
I thank you for the fast/ slow zombie lesson. As a non-zombie watcher myself, I had no idea there was a distinction. However, thanks to you, my too cool for his shoes, 25 y/o cousin thinks I am in the know, as I was able to ask about his preference for fast or slow zombies. (can’t now remember the context of the conversation, only that I came out with points scored.)