You know, parenthood can be spectacularly unsexy. Now, I’m sure there are people who would vehemently disagree with me on that statement — possibly while gesturing to the Sybian lurking in their hall closet, ready to erupt into full 120 RPM power as soon as the kids go down for their afternoon nap — but as far as I’m concerned there’s nothing like living with a toddler and an infant to really put a cramp in your style. I mean, there’s the spontaneity issue, or should I say lack thereof; there’s the issue of feeling physically drained after a day of dealing with pint-sized dictators; and as the mother of two boys, there’s a nontrivial amount of head-fuckery that goes on when you deal with miniscule penises all the time and you’re suddenly confronted with an adult-sized one. It’s like . . . well, it’s a little like seeing some kind of freaky, yet faintly comical space creature. Like something in the Mos Eisley Cantina.

(“Hi, I’m an admin for a group called Exotic Sex Toy and Nerdy Star Wars References, and we’d love to have this added to the group!”)

Plus, there is nothing, NOTHING that can kill a mood faster than hearing someone’s little sheep-bleat from the next room: “Eh-heh. Eh-HEH. EHHHH.” Hoo, boy. I suppose actually having a child barge into the room and demand to know why Daddy’s [REDACTED] is on Mommy’s [HILARIOUS EUPHEMISM] would be worse, but a baby’s cry is definitely like a Titanic’s worth of ice-water right on your privates.

It’s not all flaccidity and granny panties, of course, but these days when I think of the letter G I’m more apt to think of General Audience than spot, you know? The other day JB joked that while he’s out of town this week I should invite a girlfriend over to “help me out while he’s gone”, wink wink nudge nudge, and when I rolled my eyes and asked him who in hell he thought I could shanghai into pitching in with round-the-clock diaper changes he said no, not that kind of help, har de har hoo heh ha, and I was all, whatever with your stupid lesbo fantasy, dude, I’m staring down the barrel of another week of solo shit-shrapnel duty over here and my brain has no room for hot girl on girl action, not even if it was Angelina Jolie sporting those Tomb Raider thigh holster deals and a support team of French-speaking nannies.

A prime example of the effect parenthood can have on one’s sex life: while I laughed out loud at the scene in Burn After Reading when a Liberator sex wedge made its appearance (thus outing myself to the entire viewing audience as a person who recognized that triangular shape for what it was, which is to say, not a reflux pillow), my own personal Liberator sex wedge has been permanently repurposed as a children’s “slide”. Because once you’ve seen a toddler joyously rolling down the incline of a Liberator sex wedge, you can never really imagine it being used for any other activity ever again.

(At least I can say this has never happened in our house. Yet.)

The upside to being flattened under a daily tidal wave of unsexy domesticity is that the most boring things on earth are now profoundly pleasing to me. Fuck dirty talk, just tell me how you emptied the dishwasher. Oh yeah. Talk to me about how you did the laundry . . . oh! . . . and actually took clothes out of the dryer and put them away. Yes! Yes! YES! Ahhhh.

Comments

57 Responses to “Adult content”

  1. JennB on October 13th, 2008 12:43 pm

    Not for nothin’, but there’s a lot to be said in the comfort department for grannie pants.
    (Did I really just admit that to the internets? Oh well.)

  2. Tracy on October 13th, 2008 12:44 pm

    Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a reference to a sybian on a blog before! Hah!

  3. LJ on October 13th, 2008 12:49 pm

    Amen sister!

  4. Eric's Mommy on October 13th, 2008 12:50 pm

    I know first hand what it is like to have your kid walk in on you.

    “Hey guys, I was just coming up to see what you were doing!” or the old “Hey, what’s going on in here?”

  5. Naomi on October 13th, 2008 12:54 pm

    I loved Burn After Reading! What a great movie!

  6. Liz on October 13th, 2008 12:55 pm

    When I saw the sex wedge in Burn After Reading the first thing I thought of was Riley playing on it. It added a new dimension to my movie-going experience.

  7. Mama Ritchie on October 13th, 2008 1:01 pm

    I can’t remember what sex was like when C was a baby. I can’t remember a lot of what anything was like when C was a baby. But I can tell you the best sex I had as a mom happened when we were staying at Jase’s parents house for a month. Ew. Wait, it will make more sense. We had our 9th anniversary during that time, and I booked a room in the fancy resort across the street from the parents’ retirement condo. We were there for 3 hours. We had uninterrupted sex for the first time in 3 years! Then we had room service and took a nap! I’m telling you – next parents’ night out – book a room at the fanciest place you can afford and just spend a few hours there. The cheapness of checking in without luggage just adds to the experience! Better yet, check in carrying your purse and the love wedge!

  8. Shana on October 13th, 2008 1:03 pm

    I have 3 little boys, ages 4, 2, and 1. This entry so resonates with me. You had me cracking up, and nodding. Thank you for putting into words so eloquently what I feel so often.

  9. Angella on October 13th, 2008 1:05 pm

    “a baby’s cry is definitely like a Titanic’s worth of ice-water right on your privates.”

    Amen, sister.

  10. Heather on October 13th, 2008 1:08 pm

    How completely appropriate to read this today as hubby talked me into a shower scene yesterday and so we locked the door since the kiddos were all busy. Well what do you know? Our nine year old can pick a lock!

  11. warcrygirl on October 13th, 2008 1:11 pm

    I’ve been trying to tell my husband exactly this for the last 9 years. And yeah, I get a little tingly in my naughty bits when I see him pushing the vacuum…

  12. Karen on October 13th, 2008 1:13 pm

    My 18-month old walked into the kitchen the other day holding my fiance’s hot pink cock ring. The best thing I can say about that is that is was clean.

    And thankfully, my mother wasn’t there.

  13. Jenny J. on October 13th, 2008 1:14 pm

    Linda, thanks to your previous mentions of the Liberator, I was one of the, oh, 3 pervs in the theater who laughed out loud the first time that thing made it on screen.

    I have to admit, I felt cool, though!

  14. Kim on October 13th, 2008 1:23 pm

    For a potentially touchy subject, you put everything so perfectly.
    I agree with the comment about a night out at a hotel – we have friends who are the parents of two littles and they have a standing date for that once a month or so, and they both look forward to it all month long. A lot.

  15. Kirsten on October 13th, 2008 1:36 pm

    HA!! How appropriate that last night I told hubby that my version of foreplay was him cleaning the kitchen or doing the laundry…and oh yeah, doing the laundry doesn’t mean dumping the clean clothes on the dining room table so that I get to fold them and put the away later…doing the laundry means washing/drying/folding/putting away dammit.
    Forget the nipple tweaking and DUST SOMETHING for God’s sake!

  16. Stacy on October 13th, 2008 1:36 pm

    I’ll have what she’s having.

  17. Kate on October 13th, 2008 1:39 pm

    I just keep telling myself that this is a phase – albeit, a LONG phase – that we’re going thru and it won’t always be like this. Please Lord, let it not always be like this.

    (And I totally had to go look up that wedge. {blushing})

  18. Swistle on October 13th, 2008 1:54 pm

    Well…if Angelina Jolie BROUGHT THE NANNIES….

  19. Lesley on October 13th, 2008 2:01 pm

    “Plus, there is nothing, NOTHING that can kill a mood faster than hearing someone’s little sheep-bleat from the next room: “Eh-heh. Eh-HEH. EHHHH.” Hoo, boy. I suppose actually having a child barge into the room and demand to know why Daddy’s [REDACTED] is on Mommy’s [HILARIOUS EUPHEMISM] would be worse, but a baby’s cry is definitely like a Titanic’s worth of ice-water right on your privates.”

    ————
    That paragraph right there deserves the Nobel Prize for Awesome. Your wit is A+.

    By the way, parenting unsexiness is ten times worse when you’re not in shape. Something about the presence of sleek, rippling muscle on one’s flanks gives one an enormous sexy high as one goes about one’s exhausting day. It’s that feeling that you can go from zero to light speed if you have to. Just sayin’. And you’ve got that in spades, girl. I’m really looking forward to your fitness site whenever it comes out.

  20. Casey on October 13th, 2008 2:13 pm

    We just got home from Gymboree where my 21 month old completely groped my boobs for about 30 seconds straight while the other moms looked at me in horror. (No, it’s not a usual practice but he had just cracked his head and I was holding him while he calmed down) I told him he was lucky, that’s more action than Daddy’s had in months.

    Love the dildo video… you’re gonna get all kinds of spam from that one!!

  21. Korinna on October 13th, 2008 2:40 pm

    Crikey–isn’t that the truth.

  22. Penny on October 13th, 2008 3:12 pm

    years ago my kids were down for a nap. My husband and I took full advantage of opportunity. We never heard one of our daughters wake up…or saw her. She did see us…how do I know? She went outside and several children to come see what her mommy and daddy were doing! Suddenly we had a complete audience… how freaking embarrassing!

  23. beach on October 13th, 2008 3:22 pm

    ok….jb out of town AGAIN….girl, when is your week away at a spa planned….its only right !

  24. ShannonJ on October 13th, 2008 3:43 pm

    I was also one of the movie snickerers when I saw George Clooney lugging that thing out of his car. Sadly, I wouldn’t have known what it was if not for your blog.

  25. Yet Another Jenny on October 13th, 2008 4:02 pm

    OK, this entry is full of gems, but oh my Lord: “solo shit-shrapnel duty.” A prophylactic tongue twister if ever I heard one!

  26. Kym on October 13th, 2008 4:39 pm

    I am due w/my 3rd boy next week and I totally know what you mean about having to deal w/child size privates all day long! Oh how you make me laugh :)

  27. Katherine on October 13th, 2008 4:53 pm

    I laughed so hard when I saw the sex liberator wedge in Burn After Reading. And only because I’d read your “slide” blog entry. I’d never seen one before that. You see what a teacher you are?

  28. biscuit on October 13th, 2008 5:06 pm

    I barely had sex with I was pregnant + then when my baby was 5 weeks old my husband deployed. He is coming home for R+R this coming Monday + there WILL be sex because fuck, We haven’t had any in over a year basically!

    I will get some for everyone reading this blog! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

    Don’t hate!

  29. Trish on October 13th, 2008 5:31 pm

    WOO HOO! Perfectly stated :-)

  30. dorrie on October 13th, 2008 5:33 pm

    hell to the fuckin’ yeah. My husband knows that there is no better way to get me hot than if he scrubs down the bathroom. Nothin better than a clean tub!!

  31. stace on October 13th, 2008 7:22 pm

    I am SOO emailing the link for this article to my dearest hubby…I couldn’t find better words to explain to him just exactly why it is that nookie is the LAST THING on my mind especially when you come to bed TWO HOURS after me and try to WAKE ME UP…..when the baby will wake me up enough during the night….geesh

  32. Bren on October 13th, 2008 7:29 pm

    I was given a funny little book after my baby girl arrived called “Porn for New Moms” Great for a chuckle, full of beefcake model dads offering cleaning, cooking and parenting services.

  33. robin on October 14th, 2008 3:24 am

    Oh Linda, this entry was GOLDEN.

    I was actually nursing when I read it and was laughing so much my sweet little girl was pulling off, looking up at me and laughing as well.

    The sibian and the liberator all in one post? I’m impressed!

    JB’s veiled suggestions just crack me up. And your response killed me.

    I think I am in love with you :P

  34. Tara on October 14th, 2008 5:24 am

    My husband was trying to be all cuddly the other night, and I finally said, “You know what you could do to impress me? CLEAN.”

    And I’ll be damned if he didn’t straighten up and vacuum the living room that very same evening. That’s some good stuff right there–best porno there is.

  35. tash on October 14th, 2008 6:13 am

    Friggin hilarious Linda!

  36. bessie.viola on October 14th, 2008 6:29 am

    So.damn.funny.

    Sadly, also so true. The “eh eh eh EHHH” kills us both dead.

  37. Lori on October 14th, 2008 6:37 am

    Those three words every woman longs to hear?

    I’ll clean up.

  38. Erika on October 14th, 2008 7:22 am

    The crying babies kill everything but the toddlers standing at the door asking to be let in really kills the mood.

  39. Sam on October 14th, 2008 8:15 am

    Thank you, Thank you. I am normal, and I’m not the only one who barely has sex anymore.

  40. MRW on October 14th, 2008 8:15 am

    Actual conversation in our house not two weeks ago:

    Husband: I cleaned up the kitchen
    Me: That’s hot

    I wasn’t being sarcastic either.

  41. Maria on October 14th, 2008 8:49 am

    I keep trying to explain to my husband that the sexiest thing he can do is pick up our toddlers four billion matchbox cars or load the dishwasher. I don’t think he gets how profoundly good these activities would be for his chances of getting a BJ ever.

  42. Melanie on October 14th, 2008 8:55 am

    I am going to print this out and post it on the fridge… Maybe then he’ll understand why I was so happy when the laundry that he did and hung on the line was actually in and folded when I got home from work at 11pm!

  43. Anne on October 14th, 2008 9:53 am

    Ohhh yeah. I never realized I was capable of murder until one Saturday morning when our daughter was 2 months old, and had FINALLY gone to sleep after nursing about three times during the night, and I was in a blissful sleep at about 8AM….and my husband woke me up thinking I was going to have sex with him in that situation—AND IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!

    No, I didn’t actually kill him. But it was touch and go for a while.

  44. Karen on October 14th, 2008 12:58 pm

    When I saw that sex wedge in Burn After Reading, I totally thought of your blog post about it, complete with the pic of Riley with it. True story. Disturbing? Yes. Funny? HELL, yeah!!!

  45. Katie on October 14th, 2008 2:14 pm

    It is mortifying when your toddler comes walking in, albeit groggily, asking what daddy’s doing to mommy! And raising 2 little boys, I’m encountering tons of penis issues that I never grew up with, since I only had a sister.

  46. jenn on October 14th, 2008 5:33 pm

    I seriously am thinking about ordering one of those for my anniversary (#6, this weekend) if I can just figure out a place to store it. Something tells me that, even in this shitty economy with my husband freaking out and considering a move halfway across the country for a better job, he won’t mind if I spend the money. Seriously.

  47. Amy on October 14th, 2008 5:54 pm

    i too laughed when the pillow appeared (in the movie), but noone else did.

  48. jenn on October 14th, 2008 7:53 pm

    Also, I had to google Sybian… I had no idea the contraption that the George Clooney character rigged up in his basement was an actual thing! And ps, thanks for clearing up my friends’ and my confusion about the purple thing… we were thinking it was for sex but it’s nice to know for sure.

  49. wwbd on October 14th, 2008 10:01 pm

    My first thought when I saw the sex wedge in Burn After Reading was, “Linda has one of those!” Then I wondered if my mom (who was sitting next to me in the theater) knew what it was and desperately hoping that she didn’t.

  50. jen on October 15th, 2008 3:05 pm

    love the way you write sista, and it’s oh so true.

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