The more of your comments I read on the issue of Small Children and Weddings, the more I became filled with a righteous fist-pumping sort of “YEAH THAT’S WHAT I BE TALKIN ABOUT” sort of fury, and when JB finally arrived home from his endless, snowy drive back from Bend on Sunday I practically kneed him in the balls as soon as he walked in the door and demanded to know what the hell he’d been thinking, the whole internet thinks it’s bugfuck crazy to bring a baby and toddler to a formal evening wedding.

I didn’t even really need to plead my case, as it turned out, because in the hour or so before Dylan’s bedtime the combined force of both children, excited by Daddy’s Triumphant Return from Mancation — Riley chattering nonstop and running back and forth in little demented circles, Dylan screeching and trying to climb up his pantlegs and leaving snail-trails of snot all over JB’s shirt — wore him out so thoroughly all I had to do was lean over and say, “This? This is what I’ll be dealing with, as the officiant says Do You JB’s Brother Take This Woman Etc and the room is filled with a hushed, reverent SILENCE. While wearing an EASILY-STAINED DRESS MIGHT I ADD,” and he acquiesced.

The plan is to secure a babysitter for the entire event, excepting a potential brief cameo appearance before the ceremony for the beshitted photos — although I’m lobbying for an entirely childfree evening because, among other reasons, I think certain people are forgetting that the wedding and the photos are about the happy couple getting married, not so much a stand-in opportunity for a family Sears portrait studio visit.

The way things are going, Dylan won’t be very photogenic anyway. Not only is he kind of blotchy and scaly from having his nose wiped every two minutes all day long (an activity he enjoys every bit as much as I do, which is to say oh my god with the flailing and back-arching and squealing), but his face is banged up from 1) falling cheekfirst into a tile step on Saturday, and 2) well, this happened yesterday and I’m still kind of recovering, but basically I put him in the carseat on the dining room table, unbuckled him, turned for one second (I know! OH I KNOW) to help Riley with his coat, and baby and carseat pitched forward and fell all the way to the hardwood floor. It all happened before I could even take a breath, it seemed, and suddenly he was sitting upright next to an overturned carseat and screaming like hell, a red bump rising on his forehead and abrasions across his cheek.

Oh the poor kid. First there was the Stroller Tipping Incident, and now this.

And then, just like a couple hours later? I was on the phone with JB when Riley came running up to me howling in dismay, his mouth full of orange mush, and after a panicky flurry of making him spit in the sink, rinsing out his mouth, and wiping his tongue with a paper towel, I determined he’d reached into a drawer that has been known to contain M&Ms and popped a small round object into his mouth, only it wasn’t a piece of candy, it was a fucking MOTRIN.

So! A banner day yesterday on the parenting front. I have now cleaned out the drawer o’ accessible drugs, vowed never to put the carseat on a table ever again, and watched in the mirror as five million new gray hairs sprouted right before my eyes.

Comments

68 Responses to “Blue ribbon”

  1. ErinM on December 16th, 2008 10:00 am

    Yay on the wedding decision! Shitballs on your “terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.” Ever read that book to your boys? It’s a good one! Reason #8934 for you to have the girls getaway spa day you talked about. Massages anyone?

  2. Shelly on December 16th, 2008 10:22 am

    Oh some of these comments are hilarious! I don’t have children but I was told by my mom that my dad was throwing me up in the air as a toddler. Good times right? No. Not really. Not when he slams your head into the ceiling!

  3. Christine on December 16th, 2008 10:23 am

    I had days like that myself. All the more reason why you have earned a baby-free night at that wedding…Glad you are getting a sitter.

    Take a deep breath…

  4. diane on December 16th, 2008 10:28 am

    Please tell me a massage is in your very near future! You have more than earned it.

  5. victoria on December 16th, 2008 10:46 am

    Oh man. I’m sorry about your exhausting day. In other news, Lily, head of the massage department at the downtown Gene Juarez, 206-320-6000, is very good at hot stone massages.

  6. Anonymous on December 16th, 2008 12:32 pm

    Why do kids eat things like Motrin, suck on bleach caps and nail polish remover caps, suck down detergent, dirt, bugs,- whatever – but God help you if you try to feed them green beans. Not That – NO – ANYTHING But THAT. Do green beans and other vegetables taste like poison by comparison?
    J, Miami

  7. Cat on December 16th, 2008 1:41 pm

    OMG I need a nap after reading this.

  8. Melanie on December 16th, 2008 2:56 pm

    Wow! I’d definitely need a hot bath and a bottle of wine after that day!

    I know you probably get more advice than you need, but for that constantly running nose, try Children’s TYLENOL® Plus Cough & Runny Nose. That stuff works!!!

  9. Laura on December 16th, 2008 3:28 pm

    I had to call poison control today because my 22 month old put Boudreaux’s Butt Paste on a toothbrush and put it in his mouth. Fortunatly the poison control guy was very nice about it and reassured me that he gets calls like that all the time. Of course now they have all my personal information and I am sure I am on some DFCS watch list. Awesome.

    Hang in there!

  10. Jess on December 16th, 2008 6:07 pm

    Seriously, I don’t comment very often but read religiously. I even check back every few hours to read your Twitters… (okay, do I sound obsessive now??) anyhoo….I laugh my rear off every.single.time. I also have a 1 year old son and soon to be 3 year old son and I CANNOT tell you how reassuring it is to hear so many similar things happening to you, that happen here. I have never gone to a “mom’s group” etc..etc.. but I always felt that maybe hearing that all of these stages are typical would be such a relief..but girl, your blog totally does that for me. Thank you!!!

  11. Laura on December 17th, 2008 10:36 am

    A shit-tacular day indeed. I am planning a wedding in June and the fiance and I decided we don’t want “formal” pics. So you could bring your kids to my wedding…I think tantrum throwing would make for awesome conversation years down the road. It would also be good ammo for you to use on your kids.

  12. Yet Another Jenny on December 17th, 2008 11:01 am

    Apparently when my grandmother was 2 weeks old, in a picturesque European city, there was an earthquake, and my great-grandmother’s reaction was to run outside. Like, without the baby. I’m not yet a mom, but when I heard this story last night, it felt rather…foreshadowy.

  13. Josh on December 17th, 2008 7:05 pm

    I can help you with the water stain problem from your leaking roof. (from the daily piffle) JB probably already knows how to do all this, and it might be more complicated for y’all up there in the arctic tundra, seeing as how it’s still in the sixties here. (I don’t have much experience with cold weather repairs, or cold weather for that matter) Anyway, he’ll need to fix the roof leak first. Hopefully he went up in your attic and located the leak when it happened, if not you’ll have to wait for another rain, or if your water hose isn’t frozen he could spray down the roof for a while and then go check to see where it’s coming from.

    Hopefully it will be seeping in from a nail or screw hole left during construction that never got sealed again, they are very easy to miss. If so get some roofing sealer, it comes in caulk tubes and looks like tar, and just squeeze out a healthy dollop on the leaking spot. Generally that will fix any problems, but you’ll need to do this when the roof is dry and preferably over freezing so the roof caulk can get a good seal and cure properly.

    Once you have the leak fixed, you’re gonna have to prime the spot on your ceiling. (I’m assuming it’s on your ceiling and not your wall) I recommend KILZ, it’s the best primer evah! roll or brush on a fairly thick coat, the thicker the better. Normally a thin coat will need two coats to fully cover water stains, and a thick will only need one coat. Also, I recommend oil based KILZ over water based, because it seems to have much better stain blocking power.

    Depending on what kind of paint was used when your ceiling got painted, sometimes KILZ will blend right in with the paint and no more work is necessary. If it doesn’t just get some flat white ceiling paint and touch up the spot with a coat or two until it looks good. If the water stain is on your wall, it’s gonna be more of a pain in the ass. Pray to whatever God you believe in that you have some paint leftover from the original project, because color matching from an existing wall is a somma-bitch. If you have leftover paint, KILZ the spot and paint it however many layers you need until it blends in. If you don’t have any paint left, prepare for a bad time.

    You’re gonna need to see if you can peel of a section of paint near the stain, but not in it, so you get the proper shade. Latex paint will sometimes work with you if you soak it down with a wet rag a couple of times so it gets soft. If that doesn’t work you’re gonna have to cut out a section of the damn wall, it’s nice if you can just get a surface layer and not completely puncture the drywall, and save that to take to Home Depot or Lowes for a paint match. Then you have to patch the hole with joint compound. (a sorely disappointing product name if ever there was one) I’m sure JB knows how to do that. Patch it, sand it, prime it, (do NOT skip the damn primer, nobody ever listens to me on this shit, and for real, it will take five or six coats of paint to cover the spot, and you will still see it, and I will call you an idiot for not priming it the first time like I told you) and paint it the wall color. Good luck and God speed.

  14. Shutter Bitch on December 18th, 2008 7:27 am

    Yay, you won the babysitting/wedding battle! And after the day you had, I’d say you deserve a child free night. One where you can just, oh I don’t know, maybe not mow down your dinner at Mach 3 because there’s a three foot tall elf at your elbow demanding cheese and juice and I-wanna-watch-Polar-Express-Again-for-the-eleventy-hundredth-time-and-when’s-Santa-coming-where’s-my-cookie? You could actually chew your food. Hey! I think I want to come with you. Think there’s room for 2 more on the guest list?

    Now, enjoy sitting in an actual chair for an actual length of time without having to stand and hover over a carpet-eater, wobbly stander, face planter into that there toy-er. Have a glass of soda or a nice iced tea and DON’T SHARE IT WITH ANYONE. Maybe even a piece of cake. Get down with your bad self.

  15. Jaidnoire on December 18th, 2008 10:05 am

    How appropriate that I read this entry today…..after calling Poison Control about some weather strip self stick foam that I found my 15mth old enjoying last night *sigh*

  16. flyingbird on December 22nd, 2008 8:39 pm

    I just wanted to say, thank you for posting the bad days along with the good. I recently came across your blog, and so many parenting blogs are all sunshine…it really helps to hear another mom going through the good AND the bad, especially when I’m going through one of those emotionally raw Depressing Parenting moments myself and wondering how I’m going to get through the exhaustion of it all!

  17. danielle-lee on January 8th, 2009 12:33 pm

    Oh hell. The falling off the table thing sucks. Poor you!!

  18. Hur man blir av med mensvärk on June 28th, 2018 12:24 pm

    Genital warts treatment

    Blue ribbon : All

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