Jan
12
I got in a fight with JB this morning and while I was in the midst of raising my voice in growing frustration Riley came over to harangue me — wagging his finger and bossily telling me to stop shouting at his daddy — and in a chaotic moment of feeling picked on and misunderstood and marginalized by everyone, I barked at him to SHUT UP. To which he instantly responded by bursting into tears.
I tried to comfort him but he was pretty upset with me, and I was so angry at JB I couldn’t even let it go and so trailed him to the other side of the house, both children jailed in the kitchen and clinging pathetically to the baby gate, basically in order to escalate our screechy argument — pointless and poisonous, but I felt like I might just explode into a thousand pieces if I didn’t get the words out of my mouth. Because it always helps the situation to go ahead and throw out a few insults, right?
Eventually I went back to the kitchen where the baby raised his hands to be picked up and Riley snuck dark looks at me under his eyelashes and when I asked him for a hug he reluctantly backed into my outstretched arms and stood there, stiff-legged. I said I was so, so sorry for yelling at him, and he said, “But why were you yelling at my daddy?”
Ahhhhhh.
“Sometimes grownups have arguments, but it doesn’t mean we don’t love each other,” I said, weakly. Was there something better I could have said? I don’t know. I don’t know.
They left without saying goodbye this morning, JB gathering up the kids and sweeping out the door without the usual ritual of see-you-later kisses. I suppose I deserved it, and yet it’s just more evidence of the hurtful actions adults are willing to inflict on each other. Ugly and unworthy in the presence of children. Sometimes grownups fight. Sometimes grownups lose their temper and do stupid things. Sometimes 3-year-olds behave better than grownups.
My little boy who only wanted the yelling to stop, and got told to shut up. My heart beats brokenly today: do-over, do-over, do-over.
Comments
76 Responses to “Monday morning”
Leave a Reply
-
I also write here:
Ugh. Totally. Do. Over.
So sorry your morning was sucktastic.
Ugh, I can totally relate about just having to get those insults out. I do that all the time and immediately afterwards i want to gather them up and stuff them back in. God, I totally know what you are saying.
Been there, done that, crappy huh
A weak attempt. You did the right thing (hugging Riley), and all that “this, too shall pass” stuff aside, it’s difficult enough living with one other adult; your family is growing and with it will come these moments. Fortunately they are greatly outnumbered by the joy and laughs you share with each another and (thank you) with us.
I often feel like I’m the family lunatic, the only one who gets mad, ever, and raises her voice (my husband is like the most quiet and patient man on earth). Even the dog looks at me like I’m crazy after one of those outbursts. But you know what? They love me, just like your family loves you. It will be ok.
The Hubs and I had a similar fight about a week ago…I feel the same way. :( Hope your day became less shit-tacular.
Yeah, I’m with Jen. Out something pops and it just hangs there and I so badly wish I’d just been bigger for ONE second and…too late. But that’s human nature and you’ll probably remember it far longer than Riley will. I’m sorry your day started off on the wrong foot, and I hope it gets better!
It happens. I hate it when it does, but it does, and that’s just life. I’ve been told “never fight around your kids” and for the most part I think that’s a solid idea… in theory. You want your kids to think that they have a firm foundation within their parents. Unfortunately, in practice, I think it’s unrealistic to grow up thinking that your parents never fight. I think you handled it just right, and you can talk to Riley when it’s not so fresh and explain to him that sometimes moms & dads need to argue, because they have things they need to get out.
It’s when you DON’T argue that the kids should worry.
My experience is that I feel closer to my husband after we argue, because we get through it. And, if a fight starts to brew in front of the kids, we try to put it on hold, which sometimes is a good thing - we’re able to cool down before we pick up the thread again.
Of course, my daughter’s learned, at age 3, the power of slamming doors. And sometimes she puts us in a time-out. So…. maybe we fight too much.
Oh dear, oh dear, I know how awful that feels. Really sorry. Time heals all etc.
Sorry, the first line of my comment was:
“(Smashing beer can against head, doing the hand thing, Belushi style)” but I used carrots instead of Parentheses and… damn I hate HTML.
I’m so sorry. Just remember you haven’t damaged him, he’s only trying to understand this anomaly in his normally non screechy world. It would be far worse if you yelled at him and he DIDN’T care. You can make it up to him (and dad if he’s off the naughty list) tonight.
Been there, done that. I feel your pain, as does just about anyone who is a parent and is actually self-aware. I’d worry more about the parents who don’t think they ever screwed up. Those are the ones to watch.
We all have moments like that, all of us.
Ouch! Yes, been there, tee shirt etc. It’s not that you’ll forget this, you will remember it as one of your cringe worthy mommy moments but in the long run of good mommy moments it won’t seem so monumental as it does today. Plus your torture of yourself will help a teensy bit in the tongue holding department in the future. Regretable moments happen to the best mommies!
So sorry your morning served up such a pile of suck today. Nothing worse than getting your day started on quite possibly the worst foot EVER.
Being the Momma is hard, and we can’t always be perfect. Sure, that doesn’t make any of that other stuff go away, but we, and everyone else should cut you some serious slack. Later on, I say you make nice over some chinese food or other glorious take out.
Ugh. SUCKS. It is all part of the process of your kids realizing that mom and dad are actual people too, with complicated relationships, etc etc. No permanent damage. I HATE the whole swooping out of the house business without a word: good old silent treatment. I am totally guilty of that behavior, which is why it bugs so much. Hang in there.
It probably doesn’t make it any better, but we’ve re-enacted this scene in our house more frequently than I’d like to admit.
Oh man. That’s such a lousy start to your day. I’m sorry.
Oh god, we’ve all been there. And we’ll probably all be there again, too. That doesn’t make it any better though, does it. Sorry about your sucktastic morning. Hopefully tonight will be better.
We can only do what we can, right? To interject my own issues in a kind of inappropriate attempt to make you feel better: My parents fought behind closed doors and I never learned as a kid that it’s okay to be angry and to disagree. And now, as an adult, I’m completely incapable of fighting or knowing what to do with anger. Fun times.
So. Yes, it was probably alarming to Riley that you were yelling at his dad, but he learned some important lessons: (1) This probably wasn’t any of his business; (2) people say hurtful things, but they also can apologize wholeheartedly; and (3) disagreements happen and tempers get raised, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a good marriage.
Thank you for providing a forum in which I can project what I’ve learned from therapy.
Also: Am trying very hard not to poke fun at the Barney ad on a day that has already been a little rough for you. Remind me to do it tomorrow.
Oh, dear. I’m sorry. Hopefully, the time away today gave everyone a little cooling off and recovery time so that tonight can be better. Monday mornings always suck, don’t they?
Linda, once again your life mirrors mine… This weekend my husband and I fought in front of my 2 1/2 year old and I slammed the baby gate as I yelled after my husband to get the F away from me… to which my son begged me to “stop banging mommy” over and over. Oh.My.God. I don’t know if I cried more because of the fight or because my little guy had to witness me at my ugliest.
So…I totally relate. And time goes on. My son was fine the next day and Riley will be, too. I am so sorry you’re feeling like shit. I get it. It sucks.
I went through a divorce with a 3 year old at our feet. Somehow we managed to not yell…much…with him around. He may be the reason the divorce never got really ugly…
Oh boy. Me too.
The other night, after I let my daughter into bed with me and she kicked me in the head for like the THIRD TIME, I screeched, “KNOCK IT OFF” and shoved her leg over. She wasn’t even AWAKE.
God. I feel like barfing even telling that.
Hang on, dude. Us too. Us too.
As you can see, we’ve all been there and done that so don’t be too hard on yourself. Hope you got your fair share of hugs when they got home.
The thing about parenting is it involves humans of all ages - humans who are not perfect. I wish my Moses never heard anything bad come from my mouth. I wish I didn’t say “Goddamnit, just poop in the potty” to him last week. I wish I had unlimited patience with him and his father. But I don’t. Because I’m human. As are you, of course.
What I do know is just in the fact that you feel badly about what happened this morning, the fact that it has become a dark Monday cloud that followed you around all your appointments today, this is proof that you are a caring, good mother.
And JB is a caring, good father, even if he passive-aggressively took away the goodbye ritual from you simply because he was pissed off. Your boys will see you fight, but they will also see you make up, and they will see that people can argue and still love each other.
It always sucks when this shit gets blown way out of proportion and there are little bitty innocent bystanders. Lord knows we survived in our childhoods and so will Riley and Dylan. Cheer up, little buckaroo : )
I’m tearing up over here for both you and for Riley. As a sort-of adult who grew up with parents who fought somewhat more than the norm, I only in the last couple years of occasionally getting yelled or shrieked at finally learned the lesson not to get involved in other people’s fights, even if you’re truly trying to help soothe them and be diplomatic, but certainly not if you’re going to take a side. Maybe in a couple years Riley will understand that, but I’m sure he already understands that you two love each other like crazy and him too. Here’s another hoping that you guys were able to have big hugs and make-up sex (where appropriate) when they all got home.
I also got the cold shoulder from my boyfriend last night for losing my temper, while he constantly remains cool and collected and just gets hurt by my short fuse. I’ve been really working on it for at least a year and gotten a little better, but a temper is a cruel mistress.
De-lurking again to just exclaim about your amazing writing - perfectly captured my afternoon yesterday (including, in fact, the “shut up” part) -sorry you had a poopy morning but in (maybe) a sick way it makes me feel like i might not be the only wife/mom who does this on occasion!
I don’t know what to say, I don’t have kids yet….but with one on the way I think about situations like this all the time because I tend to be on the short tempered hollering side of things. I think about what I’ll do when I’m at the end of my rope and then the baby starts screaming crying….and I find myself saying things like “shut-up” in my head.
You are not a bad person…you are not a bad mama or wife. You are a human being. My parents told me to shut up once and awhile, and I’m not traumatized.
I hope all of our comments have made you feel a little better.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Children are resilient and I think it’s a good lesson for kids to see their parents fight and then resolve the argument. My parents never argued when I was growing up so it took a while for my husband and I to learn to resolve fights in a constructive manner. Just try to look at it as a learning experience. You are such a good mom and one fight in the front the kids doesn’t change that.
After a particularly spectacular blowup that included threats of divorce, tears, and cursing that would make a sailor blush, my five year old went to school and told his teacher that we were getting a divorce because of the yard. It was horribly embarassing and I decided we were the worst parents in the entire world. And over 10 years later, we are still married and my 16 year old is okay. Sometimes life isn’t perfect and sometimes our kids get to see it. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Hang in there…
I’ve got nothing to say beyond “It’ll be fine this evening.” Sorry your morning was so sucky.
Gawd, can I cut and paste this post into my blog? Our morning was just about exactly the same.
Although Stewart deserved a little of it - he had the nerve to say he was tired and go to bed at 8pm last night without helping put the kids to bed, get snacks or make a damn bottle for the baby. Note that I have been up 5 nights in a row with one sick kid and one infant in a growth spurt (where he hasn’t got up once to help) and would have loved two freaking hours of sleep myself.
Hey - I’m so sorry! I so understand days like that and it just sucks. But you know what? It IS important for kids to see that a REAL relationship means that you sometimes fight and get mad and then say you’re sorry and things are okay again.
Give all your boys a little extra love (even that big one who you’re quite possibly still pissed at) and just move on. You’re a great mom!
I know how painful that is, and especially to have to go to work feeling like it was left unresolved.
I am so glad that you shared it, though, if only to reinforce that EVERYONE GOES THROUGH THIS. My husband would freak right the fuck out if I wrote about our fights on the internet because those things are “private.” And when you think about it, hardly anyone EVER blogs about that. I’m glad you do because it makes me feel more okay with my own life.
I think all of us have been where you are now. In fact, on the phone, my 5 year old just told his father that Mommy had to walk around a lot today because she was really grumpy. I agree with whomever said that it’s okay to let your kids see you fight–as long as they get to see you resolve it and make up. Arguments are a necessary part of life. I *try* to use these situations where I knew I blew it to talk to my kids about how to handle anger, frustrations, etc and how NOT to handle it. I fret that I sound preachy. I’m not trying to be, really. Just understanding. We do try to implement the “you never know what will happen” rule where we do not leave the house without kisses, hugs–even if we are so pissed we could start smacking.
Feeling your pain across the country,
g~
Hey, we’ve ALL been there. Not saying that makes it easier because it totally doesn’t, but you know. It happens.
Hope your evening goes better.
Been there!
I think you did the best, most healing thing imaginable by telling Riley you were sorry. Both my hubby & I grew up with sets of parents that NEVER took accountability for yelling (or hitting BADLY, but that’s irrelevant to this post), not once, not ever.
Thing is, he & I both look back at our different but oh-so similar upbringings and say the same thing: if only they’d said sorry, you know? Yelling isn’t nice, it sucks, we all wish it never happened, but to have a parent that owns that & is able to swallow their own pride & say “oh my God, I’m so sorry, that was wrong” is THE healing balm amongst this particular only-human-but-it-blows issue. It will teach Riley so much that you can do that.
I hope your heart feels better soon. It’s HARD, but you are a beautiful Mom, it’s so evident to all who read your words about your Boys.
God, it has to be okay without a do over right? Please? Because if not, we are all in trouble! I think a good thing to tell a three year old is that sometimes *he* feels like yelling when he’s mad, right? And Mommy is just a human being and Daddy is a human being and we were all three years old at one point. Sometimes we get mad at each other and say things that we don’t mean at volumes we don’t want to use.
It’s been a long-ass winter for you already, Linda - that weather is ridic, and you just got back into your routine and there is no way it doesn’t suck because it’s HARD. This too shall pass, for real - it’s not just something you can tell Riley, tell it to yourself!
I have so been there. Heck I was there just a couple days ago. It happens to the best of us. It always feels shitty afterwards but is so impossible to stop when you are in the middle of it.
I had a do over moment this morning after yelling at the dog to “calm the fuck down!” in the prescence of my very concerned toddler. We all have those moments. The fact that Riley is concerned when you yell is proof of how little you do yell which has gotta be a little good right? Sorry your morning sucked.
I’m so sorry! It happens to everyone — really. I know that doesn’t make it any easier, though. Here’s hoping tomorrow is much better.
Thank you for your honesty in this post, I don’t think I’d have the guts on my own blog, knowing some friends and family read pretty regularly. We had a major blowout as well a few weeks ago, with the D word thrown in a few times too many. It ended when my husband decided to take our 2 oldest a town away for the day without me and the baby. It was a bad day for us, but we all got over it. Our kids know that we fight, I am a yeller. But. They also know that we make-up, and our fights are few and far between. It will be ok.
A great piece of advice my mom gave me was that its important for your kids to see you fight and its even more important for them to see you make up. We learn from our surroundings and this has a big impact on how we act in relationships later on in life.
Hope the rest of the day gets better.
We’ve all been there. Tomorrow is a do-over.
Huh…that sucks. I do agree that its important for kids to see people fight at times (maybe not insane fights but small fights)…and then see them work through it. It’s not the best way to resolve conflict, but it will happen in their lives and they do need to learn that sometimes shit happens and people lose their cool.
I had that kind of a day too….from a fight that happened yesterday…it was one of those “nervous, edgy, teary days”….wicked start to a week.
Ugh, like most above….been there. Makes me cringe to look back on those moments. One a few months ago was particularly nasty and I was *so* angry, I was almost blind to the fact that it was within earshot of our son. My husband and I don’t fight often, but DAYUM we know how to really get in a froth when we do.
Don’t be too hard on yourself.
been there, done that, hate it! The suckiness eventually subsides. Sorry you’re feeling crappy….but thanks for sharing. I was beginning to think you and JB were the uber-couple who never disagreed and went around being perpetually cool and together!
Yep, been there and felt horrible afterwards! Thanks for being honest because we can all relate!
if it makes you feel any better my day went like this: new phone takes a hiatus from functioning, i have to deal with jerkoffs at the car repair shop and insurance company whose single goal today is to piss me off (dealing with my lemon of a car), i finally get to work and my computer doesn’t work, i choke on a huge gulp of hot tea and spew it all over the non-functioning computer, the keyboard, all my papers and me, and then i have a meeting that goes terribly, terribly wrong. so, know you are not alone - i am your pain sister.
Dooce recently posted the question: which is harder, being a parent or being married?
Sorry you had a bad day, but you *are* good at both.
That’s the WORST feeling. How about screaming back at your screaming newborn? As if you could get much more helpless than a two-week-old baby. I try to look at it as practice for behaving better next time; at least in that respect you do get a kind of do-over.
Linda - From one old crotechty vet to one one mom with two kids — okay so you fucked up and made a mistake. So this is what you do. Get a bucket, decorate it any color you like — and since you have two kids you need two. Once it’s decorated, you lable them “R’s therapy bucket” and “D’s therapy bucket”
Okay got all that? Now every time you fuck up you toss a buck in whoevers bucket you it pertains and when they are 18 you give them this money and say this is for your therapy.
Works like a charm. My kid is 8 and he has like $5000.00 so far?
In all seriousness, we all make mistakes. You love your children, it’s very clear. Apologizing is one of the most important things you can do and follow that with love.
And you do love your children very much.
I think you are amazing for sharing this story. My pride would have stopped me.
Just remember this: guilt is a useless emotion. You cannot change what has already happened. Don’t carry the weight of it around with you.
Even if you weren’t the perfect example of how to react in a moment of anger, you certainly were an excellent example of how to behave when you’re sorry.
Best of all, I bet he doesn’t even remember it by the time he gets home tonight.
Like fighting doesn’t suck on its own, having your child try to stop it is just more turd on the turd cake. We too have been there more than I care to admit.
I totally feel your pain and I suppose the only reassuring thing is knowing most people, possibly everyone, has one of these moments several times in one’s lifetime. It sucks sucks sucks, but once the friendly kisses come back - and they probably already have - it will be better. Has Riley shouted at Dylan yet? Sometimes a little comparison doesn’t hurt, though I know…not the same. Adults are regarded as all powerful flawless Gods who can make weather change. (Seriously, a friend’s four year old once asked his mom when she was going to make it stop raining on their picnic.)
Best of all, you shared. Takes courage to do that. BUT WE’VE ALL BEEN THERE, even if we don’t admit it.
Btw, perhaps every family house could use a sound proof room with a lock for the parents cuz shit needs to be said between adults sometimes that isn’t the business of the kids or anyone. So don’t feel guilty for getting whatever it was off your chest, ok? You and JB have a relationship strictly apart from the kids. That’s legit.
yes, do over. but don’t beat yourself up over it. but, don’t ever let them leave without good-by kisses and hugs. we lost my brother-in-law at christmas in an accident. he was only 40. no more good-bye kisses. i’ve learned a hard lesson about all that. sad, but true.
Ugh. I’ve been there. Haven’t we all? I remember one time weeping sadly that even though I’d apologized to my son for my behavior, that it would be my snapping at him that he would remember and not the apology.
I would let Riley see you and JB make up and apologize to each other too (if you’re at that point) so that he knows in his mind that you’re okay still.
We’re all human, Linda. Thank goodness we also have the power to forgive and forget. Even kids. :)
@mixette: That was exactly what I thought when I read this post - Dooce’s video (with finslippy and others) about which was harder: marriage or parenting. It was an interesting question, even for this divorced, childless person.
I was not the temper-loser in my marriage. I was the peacekeeper who strongly believed (still do) in the power of a simple, unconditional apology. You may still have a bone to pick or point to make and you will get that opportunity again and you will get it across even better.
Sadly, my ex never really understood the value of an unconditional apology for his outbursts, and because he was never on the receiving end of them from me, he could never understand why, days after one of his explosions, I was still sort of smarting. Not pouting, just cautious, without any visible bruises to remind him that words do leave a mark.
Not marital advice, as you are the last to need it. This just picked at an old scar, I guess.
Oh, man. Had meself plenty of do-over days too. So sorry. But hey, home is a safe place to be angry- if we were happy-go-luck ALL the time around our kids, they would have a very unrealistic view of the world. Right? (Well, that’s at least what I tell myself, after an appropriate amount of time wallowing).
*hugs you*
You know, I don’t think you did “deserve it”. Taking the kids away without letting them kiss you goodbye wasn’t a nice thing to do to you or to them. I know JB’s normally a good guy and great dad, but this particular action - using the kids to punish you - wasn’t cool.
You’re an awesome Mom and JB is a cool Dad. The fact that you’re worried about the dust-up and feeling guilty proves my point and JB probably felt the same way after he left this morning. When everyone gets home, make a big deal of patching things up in front of Riley. He knows you love JB, Riley knows how much you love him and Dylan, just lay it on extra thick and, if nothing less, you’ll feel a lot better. (Meanwhile, they’ve all moved on to more exciting things and you’re the only one still fretting.) Hang in there. And go for make-up sex!! Heh heh!
We ALL have these days. We do, and we all stew in our guilty juices, until someone broaches the subject with down cast eyes, and we all break into chorus of “Me too me too me too.”
Which is to say: yes. Yes, you messed up, and yes, you will do better next time, and yes, you have a community of parents here who are thankful for your honesty.
I hit a high note in my parenting saga as well. My husband was out playing in front with my son when his phone rang. He answered and continued to play, but a couple moments later I heard my son screaming. I went out and grabbed him (since it was hubby’s work on the phone) and when he screamed louder I assumed it was because he was told to come inside and didn’t want to so needed a time out.
Hubby came in once his call was over and told me my son FELL OFF HIS TOY and that is why he was crying. I just made the assumption he was throwing another fit (he just turned two…)and left him to suffer through his ouchie elbow (long sleeved weather you know…could see no wounds)in time out. I am such a douche.
After he calmed down he showed me his ouchie and even asked me put some liquid band aid on it. I can’t wait till communication is better so he can scream less and tell me off more.
We fight in front of our kid far too often. Not bad fights, but still. I will say this, though. My parents never once fought in front of me as a child. NEVER. Not that they didn’t fight, they just never let me know about it. And so I grew up with totally unrealistic expectations of relationships and for a very long time I could not deal with conflict.
As a result of that, I went on to date a long series of great men who I immediately dumped as soon as we’d have our first fight. I was well into my 30s before I realized that normal couples fight, and that’s OK. And then I FINALLY was able to commit to a relationship and get married.
So. I think that your kids seeing you fight (occassionally, and then kiss and make up) may actually be beneficial in the long run.
Chalk one more up for the “power of an apology” camp - I’m not married, not a mother. But in living with people I love, and most recently with my best friend for going the last 3 1/2 years, I have had to learn that my outbursts hurt people. In fact, what I’m *trying* to do is hurt the other person when I lash out. I hate this quality in myself. I have made a conscious decision to apologize when I do this: a true, heartfelt apology about my actions. Yes, this means I eat crow after an argument. I think owning up to my own blame helps me move on and grow from the experience.
Which isn’t to say that the other person is right, and I was wrong - that’s not it. My actions warrant the apology, and hopefully from there we can have a conversation about whatever became a fight, without the blame game.
You’ve posted an update already - I’m really glad the evening was good. I hatehatehate that sinking, lost feeling after an argument. I hope you and JB found some time to make up, too. ;)
Seems like I’m a little late to this. One thing I’m still trying to learn is when I get hot under the collar, to take a breath and walk away. I’m not that good at it and I can’t imagine how it feels to have little eyes on you, holding you accountable. Sheesh! The whole don’t fight in front of the kids thing made me think of this Simpsons episode.
Marge and Homer have an argument in the car. Marge turns on the radio.]
Marge: When I was young, I always hated knowing my parents were fighting!
[Bart, Lisa and Maggie watch from the house.]
Bart: They’re fighting in the car again.
Lisa: That music always sends a chill down my spine.
I know the 73 comments before mine say the same thing, with out even reading them. But I want to say it too. I have been there. And it feels terrible. But you did the right thing in telling R you were sorry. And he will learn how to tell others he is sorry from it. Thank you for sharing. It really makes me feel so much better that this happens in other homes too.
Okay–I get JB being mad (well maybe) but having him take the kids without the usual goodbye kisses. That’s bullshit, way to use the kids as a weapon.
As it should.