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Jan
16
The fact that it’s actually dusk-dark out at 4:30 PM now instead of pitch black gives me hope that eventually these short, cold days will come to an end and once again we’ll be able to go for walks around the neighborhood and visit playgrounds and sit in the backyard and I don’t know, do anything other than rattle around our house during the post-dinner, pre-bedtime zone each day. Just about every evening there comes a time when Riley is running around yelling and Dylan is crawling around whining and everyone is kind of bored and cooped-up but there’s really nowhere to go and our house feels cramped and annoyingly full of clutter and I find myself thinking what a grind this all is, WOE.
Then eventually there are bedtimes and goodnight kisses and almost immediately my little battery light starts going booooooooop! on its way back to full charge. It is brief, my daily moment of anti-zen, but it has surely become a regular 6 PM occurrence, and I’m convinced the weather plays no small part in this shameful fleeing desire to jump in the car, abandon my family, and set up a new life in Cabo San Lucas.
I got a welcome taste of sunlight earlier when I met Ashley and her kids at Cougar Mountain Park, which is situated at a high enough elevation that the cloud cover spread all around us. It was like peering out the window of a plane:
Riley managed to trip and fall facefirst into the dirt about a thousand times while we were hiking around and spent the majority of the outing howling and/or whining, but despite his lack of enjoyment for the fresh air and blue skies it was a nice break from the unrelenting Januaryness of January.
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81 Responses to “Clouded”
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if i’d had the money, i would have given it to her as well, and then, like you, prayed it didn’t get weird.
you and jb are good ppl. i think you did the right thing. also, DATE NIGHT! woot! that can’t be bad, right?
If I had the money to spare I would have helped. I really want to try to get rid of my cloud of skepticism and help people who say they need help, without wondering if I’ll get the shaft or if their intentions aren’t true. Like someone on the side of the road begging for money. Do I really want to pass them by because I ASSUME they’ll use it for drugs or booze? I want to walk away knowing in my heart I took them at their word and did what little I could.
So I hope everything works out, that she gets back on her feet, no one feels awkward, and no pride was bruised. You did good. And enjoy yourselves tonight!!!
Smart to pay it directly to her landlord, leaves out the awkwardness between both parties, IMO. I am all for helping out when/if I can in those ways. Enjoy the movie!
I hope I would have done what you did. It sounds really legitimate – you have had some effed up weather, you see her all the time, she has two little kids. I hope it can work well for both of you. Does she bring her kids to your house when she babysits? We never have a babysitter come in until our kids are in bed, I just am curious how it works for normal (ha!) families.
Our babysitter is in a pickle too. With the economy how it is, her husband doesn’t have enough work to make the bills. We gave them a gift card for groceries for a belated Christmas surprise. Not a ton of $$, but enough to get them a week of groceries. Also, I’ve been working a tiny bit more, so we are giving her more $ for that.
Good for you guys for paying it forward.
It was probably extremely difficult for her to get up the nerve to ask — knowing that the situation could get awkward. Showing kindness of spirit and heart by helping her is a positive thing – and you reap what you sow! Maybe she’ll be in a position one day to help someone else the way you’ve helped her.
If she’s a good babysitter I would have paid her for babysitting in advance. That way you have an ‘excuse’ to go out more often. I’ve found that a good babysitter is worth their weight in gold when it comes to helping a marriage.
I would have done the same thing as you did but I would have gotten the agreement in writing. That way no one can claim that she still owes you X amount of money or that you’re taking advantage of the babysitting thing. Keep track of the hours, though; I had a friendship end because she kept “forgetting” her checkbook when she dropped the kids off. It was a month before I got paid. Which movie are you guys going to see?
Joanne: she hasn’t brought her kids before but is tonight, which will be interesting.
Warcrygirl: The Wrestler!
I would have given the money without any hesitation! I usually do when someone I know needs it and I have it.
But hey, I also watched strangers dogs without meeting them first and have helped move more then a handful of people I didn’t know.
You’ll get your babysitter out of the situation and maybe a little extra love for Little D in class. Worth $500 bucks if you ask me.
Knowing her the way you do makes a difference so I would have given her the money, but I would only do it once and always consider money lending a gift and not a loan. It’s much easier to handle if the person turns into a weasel.
I would’ve loaned her the money. I’m a sucker for nice, underpaid people who care for the small creatures that I love.
As someone who had a much-reduced paycheck because of the sucktastic weather at the end of December, I think what you did was really honorable. Obviously it’s never easy to ask for money, especially from somebody who isn’t family (or is it easier? Gulp!), but it does speak volumes that she was comfortable enough about approaching you with her situation. I hope it works out for the best – movies and outings for you guys and a warm apartment for her!
You are good people. I would like to think I would do the same but I don’t know.
Enjoy the movie! I have heard only good things about it.
Have been on both ends of the situation and neither is easy, but your end is good for the karma. Trust me, she feels much weirder than you do about it. Since you see her on a daily basis, it will all work out. You did the right thing.
Definitely good on the karma. I think it’s one of those things you can do once, as long as it doesn’t start becoming a cycle. It’s tough our there for a lot of people out there.
PLUS! Your babysitting is paid for for AWHILE. SCORE.
I hate this kind of shit, I guess the only advice I would have given is to have gotten how many times she would babysit for that 5 bills in writing so it would all be crystal clear. Doesn’t she know you blog?
If so, Lisa, if we may call you Lisa, Linda knows people who will come and breaka yor knees, knowhutI’msayin?
Josh? Are you listening? LOL!
When we had our design business, we had a few employees, one of whom was Pat. We liked him very much, he had a great work ethic, we all got along and all that stuff. A few times when he asked us for a loan or advance (for a car, rent, etc.), we gladly gave it to him, and he always paid it back on time and in full. We knew his character. I suppose it is somewhat of a risk and all, doing something like this, but the fact is that we trusted him and he did not disappoint. I don’t know what happened to him, but I know he was a good guy and we remember him fondly, and I hope he feels the same way about us.
So yeah, I would have done it.
And you can keep her kids, two boys, two girls, even steven. Win!
I would’ve done what you did.
And I would’ve had the same concerns.
It’s an awkward situation, but I think you did exactly right.
I would have done it too. If you have $500 that won’t really be missed, why not help someone who needs it more than you. It will only get weird if she asks again and you don’t set the situation straight, like that was a one time deal etc. but we are more than happy to help you find help…etc.
Knowing that there are people in the world like you and JB keeps me hopeful that there is kindness.
I’m going to see The Wrestler tomorrow! Are you going to post commentary?
I think you handled this pretty perfectly. You lent it to her, which is just wonderfully kind and gracious, but you also told her she could pay you back in service instead of cash. I think that’s the best solution as I’ve sometimes found the asking to be paid back or the waiting to be paid back or just the $500 looming over everyone’s heads makes things more awkward than the original loan. I would choose to believe it was absolutely a one-time thing and not worry about it becoming a more often occurrence until it does.
It’s always a weird gray line with the person you entrust with the care of your children. We were in the exact same situation with our previous babysitter two years ago. She asked for an advance, then another one, then another one, which we gave without question. Then she had some troubles with her husband which ended up in his arrest, her moving her family to someone else’s apartment, etc. It became obvious that we were becoming tangled with someone who needed more help than we could give and I didn’t like the idea that she could get into a scuffle with her husband while my son was there. So that was it.
But to answer your question, yes. Yes, I would give the money.
I have to say, I don’t know that I would have done what you did. That’s not to say I don’t think you did the right thing — it’s just that I don’t think I’m that altruistic of a person. :-) I tend to not especially trust people, especially when it comes to stuff like this. Years of working in retail and having to fire employees for stealing from the store(and of lies, lies, lies from folks who just didn’t want to come to work) may have twisted me a bit in that direction.
I guess I would have done it if I really had the $500 to spare (meaning I wouldn’t really care if I never saw it again), but otherwise, I probably would have said no.
(Wow, I feel like a grinch among you and all your very generous commentators!)
I say, loan the money, but don’t expect it back. In my history of loaning, I’ve never been fully repaid, so you have to hope that the friendship is strong enough to survive the money issue; or simply consider it a charity donation in your mind. Sometimes it helps to remember that this is no different than giving to the homeless shelter or the food bank or to unicef, except that you can actually see the difference you’re making. That way, if you never see the money or the babysitting that you should, you can still know that you made a positive difference and leave it at that. That’s my two cents.
We have a very similar situation with the favorite teacher in the daycare room doing our outside babysitting. I would have gone for it, with one catch. I would have resigned myself to that $500 being GONE the moment it left my hand. Any “free” babysitting I got after that would have been gravy. I make it a policy to never lend anyone anything that I would be heartbroken or financially screwed if I didn’t get back. That way, if she flaked on the babysitting I could say “no hard feelnigs” and mean it.
“no hard feelings” though, that would be a bunch of bullshit…ugh
I would have done the same thing. Husband and I had a friend in a money crisis last summer(he was in real estate and realized it was time to make a career change). We loaned him $3000 to keep ahead of the bill collectors. He’s paying it back over time and we’ve had no regrets. It actually made me feel good to help him out and ease some of his stress. No doubt your sitter will be forever thankful for your kindness. Have a fun night out!
If I were in a position to do so, I would have done as you did.
It was well-intentioned, which matters most here. I hope it works out and that she follows through.
I’ve also been on both sides of that situation and if she’s anything like me, asking was pure torture. You guys are so awesome to help her and I think the situation will work out really well.
The other day a lady was hanging around outside the grocery store I shop in and had two small kids with her. She asked me for some money as I was walking inside. I hesitated for a minute, but seeing those kids was all it took and I gave her a twenty. I thought my husband would call me a bleeding heart, but he said he would’ve done the same because of the kids.
Thinking about kids being hungry or cold makes me ill.
We have a friend who’s been working on cleaning up his credit – he had some problems years ago, and the last bits are just coming off his record. He got a new job which required a reliable car. He scraped together the cash (literally, every last cent he had), got the car (and a good car), paid rent and came up short on the bills and groceries. Now, he’s single, but was in a bit of a squeeze. So we gave him some money so his power wouldn’t be turned off.
That was about a year ago; he hasn’t paid us back and we don’t care. What he’s given back in friendship and willingness to help out (like driving Darren to get his car after it had been towed because of a parking issue) has more than paid itself back.
So yeah, I’d do the same thing. When you open yourself like that, you get paid back many times over, directly or indirectly.
I really like your solution, because you can take ACTION to get paid back. Like, if you loaned her cash and you were waiting for cash, and the cash kept not arriving, and then she asked for more, or even if she didn’t ask for more but just didn’t make a move to pay it back—well, that would suck. But this way, you can kind of control how you get your money back, and make sure that you do, by continuing to ask for babysitting and by keeping a tally. And it seems like it would be good for her, too, since she can probably find time more easily than money. But if it’s NOT good for her, she could always pay back the money instead. Really, it seems genius to me.
I would have helped her, too. Having to ask SUCKS and was probably very hard for her. And as someone lucky enough to be surrounded by family and always having help available, I would have been heartbroken by her need.
I would have done it too. You and JB have good boundaries and bullshit meters. Even if it got weird (which it sounds like it won’t) y’all could handle it fine.
1. Time will tell you if you did the right thing, but I believe you did. It will be easy for her to pay you back since she can work it off!
2. Just a suggestion about filling up that boring evening time. One thing my grandson (3 yrs. old) absolutely ADORES is housework. He loves setting the table, helping me cook, cleaning the kitchen, helping with laundry, etc. Put Riley to work! He will love it.
That’s a tough situation, but I probably would have done the same thing.
I HATE the witching hour, by the way, it seems so tedious at our house too.
Enjoy your evening out!
Well yay! You got a babysitter though really I would’ve come the 3,000 miles, ;-) And I give MAJOR props to parents who treat their babysitters like they aren’t just the help but like they’re real people who genuinely love the children they care for. Because I’ve had families help me out before (not with money but other things like one let me stay with them for a week and in return I babysat in the mornings and evenings so the parents could work a bit later without worrying), I would think I would do the same thing you would do.
my gram used to say there are 2 things in life don’t ever forget. don’t ‘loan’ money and expect it back, and don’t EXPECT a thank you for something you have done. remember these and you will never be disappointed. so, im with you. ‘give’ the money and know that you were able to be a blessing to someone else. I love your blogs!
mair
That is awesome that you had nice weather today. It was -11 this morning on my way to work!
As far as the money loaning, we don’t have a penny to loan anybody, but if we did I’m sure my husband would loan the money and I would say no. Because I am a huge bitch.
If you could spare it without hurting yourself or your family, I think you were right to lend it and graciously offer a feasible way for her to pay it back. I agree that if you haven’t already, you should put a number on the hours due to pay it back so both you and she can keep track. And I agree with those who say you should (privately) consider the money gone and the payback babysitting gravy. Not only does that emotionally protect everyone if she doesn’t come through, but also relieves you of any self-imposed pressure should you ever become uncomfortable with the way she cares for your children.
There are a lot of people in financially precarious situations right now. I think that calls all of us to err to the side of generosity if we can. But current circumstance also put otherwise good people in situations where they might make bad decisions. So cautious generosity seems right to me.
My best friend at work is in the reverse similar situation. Friends of hers loaned her money and she’s paying them back with babysitting. I hope it all works out and think you’re kind and good to help out.
I’m torn between my bleeding heart and my ultimate belief (drawn from experiences) that mankind is mostly made up of a$$holes.
I probably would have done it as a one time thing but had the number of babysitting hours with a per hour rate spelled out in a written contract. Also, I’d probably insist on some form of notation as to hours worked/left with initials etc.. Just so everyone is on the same page. But I’m a lawyer (and a transactional one at that) and so I’m probably wee bit more obsessive about this stuff than others. Also, I’d be extremely concerned that in case things went south she started pulling the whole “they overworked me and underpaid me” bit. I don’t think it’s too late for you to ask her for something like that and it might be something to consider given that she’s in your life on the daycare front.
Then again, me bitchy lawyer and paranoid harpy with extremely cynical view on mankind. YMMV.
One of my friends STILL owes me money for a plane ticket. Even after she claimed she didn’t have the cash for it I saw her drop money on comic books etc. in front of me. She has since stopped mentioning the cash. I’m now writing it off as a gift. The thing is that I’ve known her since college and I still like her…but it has changed my perception of her. The last time she was in CA at a city a couple of hours away I did not make the effort to go see her.
I like your solution because you’re loaning the money she needs, but you almost managed to take the money out of the equation. You paid the landlord directly and she’s paying you back in services. Cash is what people get all awkward and weird about, but there isn’t any cash to really change hands.
You’re good people.
I’m not in your situation and I don’t know Lisa or your relationship with her, but since I’ve been burned 3X by this in the past, I would have felt pretty squeamish about doing it. I’ve willingly loaned money to a cousin (as soon as she got the check, she cashed it then moved with no forwarding address, didn’t send back the IOU etc.) as well as to a sister-in-law, and the SIL came back a second time asking for more (my husband gave her the second “loan” because she’s his sister after all).
The main thing I hope is that even if Lisa doesn’t quite pay it back via babysitting or whatever, that she doesn’t come back to you for more. That would end up being the really awkward situation I’d think. But hopefully the weather will stay decent and she’ll get enough work hours to get a bit ahead so no risk of rent default again! :-)
Enjoy your babysitting nights out while you can! Have a great time at the movie!!
We once loaned an aide at the school where I taught $1400 for her tuition so she could register for her last quarter at the university. She is now an outstanding teacher in that school district…many commendations and recognitions. And she paid us back. You did the right thing.
I would have done what you did. One time is one thing. Everybody needs the benefit of the doubt one time. I think what you did is tremendous. I hope it works out the way you said.
LOVE the pics of Riley with muddy face! Hee!
Early in our marriage, we, no – check that – I made the same decision to help out a “Friend”. Some guy at work that I knew, was in a bad way, and was – according to him – on the verge of losing his kids. I don’t really know how things got to that point and I didn’t really need to know any of it. I knew that I liked the guy and despite is sordid past (don’t we all have at least one of those folks in our lives?) I was on board with giving him whatever he needed to help HIM out.
I actually now remember offering to loan him the $2000 (!) thinking that he would never take me up on the offer, and was pretty surprised when he did a few days later.
My wife FREAKED – more so over the amount of our newly blossoming nest egg that I “just handed over to someone”. I remember she and I taking definite sides – the amount being loaned to someone I kind of knew with a sordid past vs. us being in a position to help someone who needed it and was asking for it.
I lived under a microscope that next month – during which the guy mapped out a payment plan and THANKFULLY stuck to it. I could feel my wife just waiting for a scheduled payment being missed- when just the opposite happened when he paid us back early.
He expressed his eternal gratitude, and I felt GREAT having set out and accomplished what I had set out to do.
I’d be interested to her my wife’s account of the story today. It DEFINITELY an “I told you so” scenario – one of very few – that I have on her.
I would have said no. My professional experience (8 years in the conference room giving financial advice to couples) is that if this works out? You’ll be the exception to the rule. In fact, my advice to you at this point would be to consider it a gift and think of the free babysitting as a temporary perk of your extremely kind generosity.
I realize your heart is totally in the right place, but I’ve seen enough of this to earn my cynicism. Money stuff is so tough!
as long as you can give it with no strings its all good. i would have certainly done it. the best part is your know exactly where it went. sometimes with *donations* i wonder how did my money actually get spent?!?!
One point for you all in your act of kindness tally! :-)
I didn’t read all of the comments so if someone else has suggested this oh well…
First off I think you guys handled it perfectly. Would have done the same and the being paid back in babysitting is perfect. You get out and she’s paying you back without falling into another potential debt hole…etc.
ONE HINT. You should keep a ledger that each of you sign or initial at the end of each night of babysitting.
So it goes like this…the ledger starts at $500.00, tonight you go out and when you come home and you would normally hand her the money for that nights sitting instead pull out the ledger and a pen. Explain to her that in order to keep it fair, simple and up front that each night she sits you will mark down how much you would have paid her for that night and that you’ll both sign so that later there is no confusion. That way she understands that you are keeping track and this isn’t a free ride and that payment can’t be “forgotten” in the future.
So you mark down -$50.00 (just a number),the date and Balance Owing $450.00 then sign it get her to sign and say your cheery good night and thanks so much!
Enjoy your night out…I’m just trying to hide in a dark bedroom and read my fav. blogs…ahhh
I agree with what you did and with many of the comments (putting it down on paper, expecting not to get it back, etc. etc) and I truly believe we (all of us) need to do more bartering these days.
Been there (not quite the same, but close enough), done that. More than once with different people, lost some of the money, got some of it back in cash or kind. I don’t regret any of it, I would do all of it again in the same situation. The time we pissed the cash down the woe-is-me well, we knew it was a flyer and might not work out. The person came back for more and we just said no. (which is key! be prepared to just say no more.)
In no case was the amount going to put us into serious trouble, which is also key. We knew we might lose it, and did lose some of it. Oh well! In at least one case I think we might have made the difference between survival and a really ugly situation. That is good enough for me.
I’d have lent her the money too, but agree with other commenters that you should agree soon on how much babysitting will pay back the loan and stick to it.
Also, I am confused as to why she didn’t get paid with all the snow days. Do you not have to pay for days when daycare is closed? I don’t have kids yet, but always thought of it as something that was a monthly fee pretty much regardless. Pretty shitty if you ask me if you have to pay, but they don’t still pay the caregivers.
I am not in a position to lend $500 to anyone right now, but if I was, I would have done it. I don’t think I’d have been as smart about it–i.e. going to the landlord. Money is weird and can make things weird or awkward. I guess my one question was–were they going to kick her out after just one short rent month? or is this indicative of a larger problem. I am not judging by any means, I’m just saying if I was evaluating the situation, I think that would be the only thing to give me pause.
That said, I know good people who’ve had to borrow money before and sometimes they just need a helping hand. And they’re good for it.
The fact that you’re getting babysitting back is a great decision, because you get nights out, paid for up front, and she gets to feel like she’s working off what she owes. And it won’t put her in a cycle of owing money to you so she can’t pay next month’s rent, either. And the kids! Oh, the kids. And single momhood. And she must be a wonderful lady if you trust your children to her.
So, long story short, yes, I’d do it. And I wouldn’t expect in back, just in case.
You and JB rock.
If I had the money to help I’d probably do what you guys did. HAving her be able to work off the debt with babysitting is probably going to be easier and less wierd than her owing you money back. She’s more likely to be able to pay you back with the service than with cash if she’s strapped.
Easy peasy! What goes around comes around.
Its scary times out there, seriously SCARY!
She takes care of your children. And apparently well?!
And is a mom?
Giving is good!
It’s a no brainer…if you have the funds to spare and it isn’t causing you unnecessary hardship. Can you imagine the wave of relief she must have felt? Can you imagine how incredibly pride bruising it must have been to even ask? I agree with Penne, this whole thing is probably way weirder for her than you. Kudos to to you guys. Sometimes it takes a bit of courage to step up. To ask, and to give. In this case, it sounds like everybody wins.
I would have done it if I had the money to spare for sure – I think you were smart to pay her landlord and offer her the chance to pay it back in babysitting. If you care for her and she has been good to your kids then it is worth helping her out. Plus the circumstances this year are putting a lot of people in a tough spot. It seems really sad to me that she doesn’t have family or anyone else to help her out – that would be really rough. I think you did the right thing, but I understand the concern too…nothing is ever a sure thing I guess. I probably would only do it once though too like some other commenters have said.
that’s wonderful. And great idea to pay the landlord directly. This makes me feel like running outside and finding someone to give money to…lol.
I think it was a very decent, compassionate thing to do.
I am also of the “you don’t lend money, you give it” school of thought. I have given a lot of money in my life. But your version is pretty interesting – my school of thought means that you never think about it again – and you have an ongoing professional relationship with her.
So I agree with the commenters that suggested you keep a log and everytime she babysits, you cross it off. Initialing it and writing a contract? This attorney says “don’t worry about it.”
I also should tell you this. In our (mutual) state of WA, and city of Seattle, it takes about six months to evict anyone, often much longer. Just keep that in your mental file, okay?
I don’t loan money ever. I give it if I have it. Lending makes things really to weird.
I never have any money, but if I did I would probably just make it a gift. That way the gesture won’t look like something that can be repeated at will.
It’s amazing the timing of this post as I just had a mini confrontation with my brother and his wife over money. We lent them 3500.00 in July to purchase a car with the agreement that they would pay 50.00 a month, no interest. They made three payments and then quit paying due to the holidays and job hour cuts and putting their daughter through school. I just sent a email to them basically saying that I felt taken advantage of. Now we’re all mad and feel bad and it’s a situation that will take a while to resolve. I regret saying anything and I really regret lending the money, especially to a family member. Nevertheless, I think you guys did the right thing and it will be much easier for her to pay back with babysitting and feel good about herself.
I think you did the right thing. Since she’s paying you back with babysitting, it will be much easier to get paid then if she had to actually give you cash.
I find the dynamics of your relationship with her intriguing. Either she’s very comfortable with you and your family or she’s really ballsy!
Whenever this topic comes up, I ask myself if I really need the money. If I don’t and I think the person is legit, I’d give it. Sure, I’d say it was a “loan” but I’d never actually expect to see it back. I think you did the right thing. There is FAR too much cynicism out there and you know what? If someone is desperate enough to ask, chances are they need it more than I do.
It’s a win-win until it’s not. Hopefully it will remain that. I’d have done the same thing if I was able. We never know the far-reaching affect our kindness will have.
i don’t know what babysitting goes for in your part of the US but here in Pittsburgh, 500 bucks would about cover say 5 (maybe 6-7 tops) full nights (movie and dinner). that’s not a lot – so I hope she can manage to help you out babysitting, and it all works out. Whether it does or not, you did a really kind thing.
I would have helped her out because it was the right thing to do and then I would have respected her dignity by not posting her personal stuff online…fake name or not.
The situation sounds like a gift for both of you.
I understand the concern but I think it’s fabulous you gave her the benefit of the doubt, especially given your experience with her at daycare and the fact that she supports little ones.
If it was me, I would maybe just agree on how much baby-sitting would equal the $500, write it down or something, then there can’t be any question of whether she returned the payment.
I agree with the others that it’s good to pay directly to the landlord. I can see what you mean about awkwardness, though.
I’ve been on the receiving end of generosity like yours during tough times, and I think you and JB did a really good thing. The help I got from friends, was more along the lines of *extra* fun stuff that I’d have not been able to join them for, had they not paid for my room. I have been fortunate enough to not be in such dire financial straits that I couldn’t pay my mortgage or car payments. But I’ve been in that place where there are NO extras at all, and we’re just getting by day to day, barely.
On the flip side….. I have a family member who will milk whatever she can get out of you, or any other friend or family member she suckers, as often as she can get away with it. “We can’t afford to eat this week” was her frequent refrain. I fell for it hook, line and sinker every time, and took her kids, free, so she could work. When she planned cosmetic surgery and a tropical vacation several months later, I had an “ah-ha” moment and put a stop to the free babysitting. Within weeks, I was no longer useful to her, and unceremoniously dumped on my face.
I’m NOT suggesting that your sitter is pulling something on you, at all. In fact, it sounds to me like she’s legit, and it was probably really difficult to ask for help. I’m hoping that everything turns out well with your sitter, and you all benefit from this arrangement. Have fun on your dates!! We’ll need a full run down of the restaurants and movies you encounter, natch. ;)
I’d like to think that I would have done the same thing. And I think you guys have handled it perfectly.
I’m in a situation where my office is probably going to close and I need to find a new job. There is a pretty good chance that I could be looking at a period of unemployement. That’s pretty scary. My parents who are pretty awesome are offering to pay off the rest of my car. Their rationale is that I didn’t get as much help as my siblings did when going to college and I didn’t. (I was the oldest of 5 and money was just tight when I was that age) But it sure hurts thinking about taking that money when I have always prided myself on being independent and self sufficient. I’m leaning towards taking the money with the intention of paying at least part of it back when I get a new job. The extra $350/month would sure be useful to sock away while my office is still open and would stretch the severence and possibly the unemployment a lot further. This economy is really scary right now.
As someone who has worked in childcare, as well as sat for the kids I teach (though this was before I had any children) I cannot IMAGINE asking one of my kids’ parents for money. But I can’t even ask my own parents for money, so maybe that’s just me. It must’ve taken a lot for her to ask. I wish that we were in the position to help someone out – even with a few hundred dollars.
To the person that questioned why she didn’t get paid…at most corporate daycares (and I don’t know if Dylan and Riley are in a corporate center or smaller facility) yes, the parents have to pay their normal weekly tuition regardless of whether or not their children attend that many days in a particular week. Even for snow days or holidays. However, daycare teachers get paid hourly, and if they don’t work, they don’t get paid, holiday or not.
you did the right thing. i think she would have to really trust you guys to even ask, and with the way you responded, it showed mutual trust. that’s priceless.
i like the ledger idea. i would even make a descriptive entry like “2 hrs. 20 min. @ $x.xx = $xx.xx” so there is no miscommunication later, like she rounded the hours off, you count by 15 minute increments. not a lot of difference, but could cause a problem down the line.
there is someone i am dealing with now who i really don’t trust. i don’t mind favors but it should never cost ME money to do a favor for YOU! i will get the car at the bodyshop for you, but it better have gas and not require me to fork over $10 in fuel for the priviledge of getting your car for you (not to mention i hate getting gas for MYSELF!)
you did good, girl!
I think (as many have pointed out) it all comes down to your perspective. It’s hard not to feel taken advantage of – so giving and not lending – letting it go instead of analyzing how that person spends their money (from now on), is the easier way to deal with it.
I know daycare workers are underpaid – and they are taking care of what is most precious to us. I would have been compassionate – but not nearly as smart as you and JB – I would have given her money and waited to be repaid (which is impossible when you are living paycheck-to-paycheck…there is never any ‘extra’ to give someone repayment). The way you handled it – giving it to the landlord and taking repayment in services was smart.
It is a tough spot to be in – to be poor and struggling – and see others who are not…”if only I had some of their money, we wouldn’t be struggling so much” – I do think it can make you a target of people who want help and prey on your compassion.
My inclination is to always help if I have the money but I have been burned – and when I rewind the conversations in my head, “I don’t have money for diapers…” it makes me feel stupid for believing. On the other hand, people have shown me kindness when I needed it – and I was very grateful for that.
Jen said: I make it a policy to never lend anyone anything that I would be heartbroken or financially screwed if I didn’t get back.
I’d say that’s a good way to think about it. If you are not in a position to lend, don’t. And expect it won’t be repaid.
I lent $750 to my then boyfriend, and when he got a job again he never repaid a cent. We broke up w/in a year and here I am two years later he still hasn’t paid me back and I have had pretty serious situations come up where I could’ve used it. I offerred him to repay it $10 at a time if that’s all he could do, but nothing. I now realise I wasn’t in a position to loan it & shouldn’t have.
But…if you have a good relationship with the girl then I can see why you did it. It was pretty unprofessional of her but maybe she thought this really was her only and last option. I would only agree on what amount of babysitting equals $500 but it sounds like an excellent bartering plan. Perhaps if you really like her as a babysitter you can line her up as a permanent one for future date-nights!
If I could spare the money, I would give it and not expect it to come back. At all. In any way. I have been helped when I needed it (only recently monetarily) and I will pay back everything I’ve ever borrowed. I have helped other people and been repaid and not been repaid. And it doesn’t matter to me either way. I can’t take it with me when I die so I might as well use it to help people in need.
Plus I know how very hard it is to ask. Most people can barely bring themselves to do it (me included). If someone humbles themselves like that to me, I will do all I can to help.
I would have done pretty much what you and JB did, too. I think paying you back via babysitting is a smart system & a great way, on many levels, to honour the wonderful, caring presence you say she has given and gives :).
Considering how excruciating it is to humble oneself to ask for help in that manner, I’d probably be leery of posting about it for fear she finds the post, too no matter how slim the chance. But unlike Anonymous I’d be willing to bet you knew it was a sure thing she wouldn’t find it before you posted, thus keeping her dignity intact indeed :).
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Holy crap Riley looks hilarious! What the hell did you do? Push him down the whole mountain? That is awesome, save that picture and hang it on your wall to remind him what happens when he whines on outings!