I mentioned it over at Bodies but I don’t think I’ve written here about how I joined this crazy personal training gym a while back. There was an article in the paper about how the guy on the Bachelor (now forever known as “that douchebag”, I guess) worked out at trainer gym in Bellevue and I was all, hey! I want to look like the Bachelor! With the abs and the ever-present rose and all!

Well, okay, not really, but the article talked about how this gym does all kinds of intense one-on-one circuit training and really focuses on helping you meet your fitness goals and anyway, I’ve been going there once a week for about a month now and it’s awesome.

Last night I showed up at my 6 PM appointment and was informed by the owner that instead of a regular workout, I’d be doing a fitness test, including weight and measurements. They do this quarterly, so you can see what kind of progress you’re making. “Great!” I said jovially, because this is the type of person I am, the kind who says great like a total fucking boner when I’m faced with something I’d rather drink paint than do, instead of just being honest and saying, “Well THAT blows.” (No lie, I once said “sounds great!” when my doctor said it looked like it was time for a pelvic exam, so why didn’t we just go ahead and do that today. SOUNDS GREAT I LOVE IT WHEN YOU CRAM THAT FREEZING METAL DUCKBILL THING IN MY GIRL PARTS AND SWAB MY INTERNAL ORGANS WITH THE MASCARA WAND OF DOOM SOUNDS GREEEEAAAAT.)

The first thing I had to do was step on the scale, which made me super uncomfortable. It wasn’t that I was ashamed of my weight, really, it was just . . . I don’t know, there’s something so intimate about someone weighing you with one of those doctor’s scales — you know, standing there so close to you, slowly sliding the thing along to the right until it stops bobbing up and down? And it ALWAYS settles like five pounds higher than your digital home scale? If someone is going to be doing this to me, I prefer that it be a matronly nurse holding a clipboard, not an attractive young gym trainer guy with delineated biceps.

As it turned out, I shouldn’t have bothered fretting about the scale, because the best part was yet to come. The part where the attractive young gym trainer guy measured my FAT with a CALIPER. Seriously: he brought me in the office and had me stand while he carefully and professionally used his fingers to pinch various sections of my body, gathering up the skin into a fleshy blubberroll before fitting the caliper clampy mouth-part around it. I could actually feel myself having something like an out-of-body experience, not dissimilar to the brain-melting moment before Dylan’s birth when I realized that below the surgical drape the nurses were putting a catheter into my epidural-numbed lower section while I was lying there sprawled all frog-legged . . . and nothing was covering my bulbous naked self . . . and the room contained medical professionals who were NOT WOMEN.

The humiliation continued with the actual exercise stuff, which involved cardio endurance and strength tests — I was abysmally terrible at the jump rope segment and managed to whack myself in the back of the head with the rope not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES — and afterwards I got a little printout of my fitness report, including a section titled “GIRTH MEASUREMENTS”, which is so totally the name of my new all-girl, all-D-cup punk band.

It turns out I am formed of approximately 28 pounds of fat, which is thrilling to imagine as a separate entity that slithers around my body depending on what unflattering outfit I have chosen. It’s nicer to think of it in terms of percentages, which at 22% is less disturbing than comparing my total fat-weight to the mighty heft of my 1-year-old, who weighs 25 pounds. Also, apparently my “subscapular” region is made of 20% body fat, which I might care about it if I knew where that was.

Anyway, it was quite the evening. My trainer pointed out which numbers he thought I could improve on over the next few months, and mentioned that nutrition is 90% of the game when it comes to reducing body fat. I nodded sagely (great!) and when I got home, I got rid of the last unhealthy food items lurking in the cupboards. Of course, I did so by dumping them directly into my mouth, but still. I’m on the right track, baby!

Comments

65 Responses to “Quarterly report”

  1. fiat insurance on June 24th, 2014 5:56 pm

    Hi, has anyone heard about that electrician in Tribeca called New York Electrician, 94 Chambers St, New York, NY 10007 (646) 415-6723

  2. sky floating lanterns on August 14th, 2014 8:21 pm

    The next time I read a blog, I hope that it does not fail me just as much as this particular one. I mean, Yes, it was my choice to read, but I genuinely believed you’d have something useful to say. All I hear is a bunch of complaining about something that you can fix if you were not too busy looking for attention.

  3. cheap hockey jerseys china on October 28th, 2014 6:46 pm

    Thanks for ones marvelous posting! I actually enjoyed reading it, you could be a great author.I will make sure to bookmark your blog and will often come back in the future. I want to encourage you to continue your great posts, have a nice morning!

  4. kids nfl jersey personalized on October 28th, 2014 7:39 pm

    Hello there I am so grateful I found your weblog, I really found you by error, while I was researching on Digg for something else, Nonetheless I am here now and would just like to say many thanks for a remarkable post and a all round enjoyable blog (I also love the theme/design), I don韙 have time to go through it all at the moment but I have book-marked it and also added in your RSS feeds, so when I have time I will be back to read much more, Please do keep up the great job.

  5. jerseys online on October 28th, 2014 9:51 pm

    Hey! I know this is kinda off topic but I was wondering which blog platform are you using for this website? I’m getting sick and tired of WordPress because I’ve had problems with hackers and I’m looking at alternatives for another platform. I would be fantastic if you could point me in the direction of a good platform.

  6. クロエ クローチェ on October 30th, 2014 5:52 am

    いただきました!アップ|プラットフォームあなたののためのサイトのブログのWordpressを使用していますか?私は、ブログの世界に新たなんだけど、始めるしようと作るよ私自身を。あなたが必要でくださいどんな htmlのコーディング|自分のブログを作るために知識ノウハウを?すべてのヘルプは大いにされるであろうが理解!

  7. e cigarette on November 20th, 2014 7:26 am

    What’s up, after reading this amazing article i am too glad to share my know-how here with mates.|

  8. best vacuum cleaners on February 23rd, 2015 10:13 am

    Today, while I was at work, my sister stole my iPad and tested to see if it can survive a 30 foot drop, just so she can be a youtube sensation. My iPad is now destroyed and she has 83 views. I know this is completely off topic but I had to share it with someone!|

  9. Adam Schanz on February 23rd, 2015 9:06 pm

    I like it whenever people come together and share opinions. Great website, stick with it!

  10. workers compensation insurance quotes on February 23rd, 2015 9:58 pm

    Spot on with this write-up, I truly think this site needs a lot more attention. I’ll probably be returning to read more, thanks for the info!

  11. vacation home on February 23rd, 2015 9:59 pm

    Good post however I was wondering if you could write a litte more on this topic? I’d be very thankful if you could elaborate a little bit more. Thanks!|

  12. new balance 鞋 on February 23rd, 2015 11:21 pm

    不是這些。
    new balance 鞋
    [url=http://www.ahmetalpman.com/objecttw/newblance.html]new balance 鞋[/url]

  13. miele canister vacuum on February 24th, 2015 4:54 am

    It’s very trouble-free to find out any topic on web as compared to textbooks, as I found this article at this web page.|

  14. Foreclosed real estate on February 24th, 2015 5:36 am

    Thank you for the auspicious writeup. It in fact was a amusement account it. Look advanced to far added agreeable from you! By the way, how could we communicate?|

  15. Craftsman homes for sale on March 26th, 2015 8:53 pm

    Hi there, this weekend is good in favor of me, for the reason that this point in time i am reading this wonderful informative piece of writing here at my home.|

Leave a Reply




  • Stuff I Like:

      space eeny Eeny Meeny, by M.J. Arlidge Dark, twisty, kept the pages turning for me. I’m excited to read more of this author’s series centered around detective Helen Grace. space speaker DKnight Magicbox Speaker Small and not expensive and just exactly what I wanted: a decent-sounding mobile speaker that plays music from my phone. space browwiz Anastasia Brow Wiz My favorite brow tool at the moment. Great texture, easy to apply, blends really well. Expensive but worth it. space maclongwear MAC Pro Longer Concealer My latest weapon in the war against eye circles. Awesome coverage, matte finish, and a little bit goes a long, long way. space station11 Station Eleven, by Emily St. John Mandel Every good thing you've heard about this book is true. It's seamlessly woven together, a gorgeously heartbreaking gratitude practice that completely defies its genre. space blackout Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget, by Sarah Hepola I knew this was going to be amazing because, well, Sarah Hepola. You don’t have to be a recovering drunk for this unflinching story to resonate, anyone who’s had to pick up the pieces and start over will find something hopeful here. space [More things I like...]