All done, he tells me. All done, all done.

Ah dunnn. Ah dunnn.

His face is a flower. His face is something plucked from a pie. His face is perfect: wide open, smooth, touchable. It is real.

Up, up! He talks to me now. I don’t understand everything he says but I understand some of it and oh, oh. Oh, what a difference.

Once I understood with my skin and cells what he needed and sometimes I was wrong and sometimes I had to guess and guess, over and over, and I wasn’t always right but it was like this: breathe, eat, sleep. Exhale. Do it again. Do it better. It wasn’t binary but it was primal. It wasn’t easy but it was real.

Now it’s like breathing underwater and it’s hard but I’m getting better and I want to say baby come here baby listen baby but he isn’t a baby now he’s a little boy and it isn’t but it is and it’s better and I am learning.

He is starting to talk now and his feet move away but then they come back and it’s getting better and better and better and I know this feeling. This is choice. This is something deliberate. This is something new. He clings to me, his arms tucked under his warm torso. He whispers against my shoulder.

Mama! His face is a flower.

Comments

42 Responses to “Real”

  1. samantha jo campen on July 15th, 2009 9:16 pm

    Happy sigh.

  2. Diane on July 15th, 2009 9:46 pm

    awwwwww….happy mama!!

  3. oregoncoastgirl on July 15th, 2009 9:52 pm

    oh. want.

  4. Accidental Olympian on July 15th, 2009 9:54 pm

    sometimes life is better without commas…

  5. Jillian on July 15th, 2009 9:59 pm

    This is an incredible time for both of you. Enjoy it.

  6. Hilary on July 15th, 2009 10:00 pm

    Oh, oh. EXACTLY. I love “this is choice.” Lovely piece.

  7. Marolyn on July 15th, 2009 10:57 pm

    You make my now barren uterus ache. I long for this again. But it is not to be. My baby will be 20 next month, but thank you for bringing back so many warm memories.

  8. amy on July 15th, 2009 11:26 pm

    Ahhh. It’s perfection!

  9. Hillary on July 16th, 2009 3:57 am

    Yes! That’s it exactly.

  10. Cookie on July 16th, 2009 4:25 am

    You always say what I feel so well. Thank you. This is it exactly.

  11. alomellin on July 16th, 2009 4:58 am

    This brought tears to my eyes. I have a 16 month LITTLE BOY at home. It’s so wonderful to watch him grow, and yet heartbreaking all at the same time. Thank you for your words, lovely and touching as always.

  12. beach on July 16th, 2009 5:07 am

    Beautiful.

  13. Michelle on July 16th, 2009 5:32 am

    Just beautiful. My first read of the day and
    I’m already crying.

  14. joaaanna on July 16th, 2009 5:42 am

    Awesome. Thank you.

  15. Christina on July 16th, 2009 5:45 am

    Oh so true…

  16. Emma on July 16th, 2009 5:54 am

    Exactly.

    (dude, your writing! It’s the most awesome-est!)

  17. hydrogeek on July 16th, 2009 6:33 am

    Exactly. Gorgeous.

  18. Meagan on July 16th, 2009 6:37 am

    Dammit, quit making me cry!!
    Beautiful.

  19. Melanie on July 16th, 2009 6:50 am

    every one of these words are mine too. except for the end. my boy says “oh..mama”. this is so lovely. thank you.

  20. Audubon Ron on July 16th, 2009 6:51 am

    :)

  21. lisa-marie on July 16th, 2009 7:53 am

    Very sweet!

  22. SJ on July 16th, 2009 8:05 am

    That totally brought tears to my eyes. Absolutely beautiful, and touching. There is so much joy in motherhood, I couldn’t agree with you more.

  23. Rachel on July 16th, 2009 8:21 am

    I really need to wait to put on makeup until after I read your blog.

  24. Eric's Mommy on July 16th, 2009 8:23 am

    So sweet.

  25. MzEll on July 16th, 2009 9:01 am

    Tears. I’m eight months pregnant with the third, and this is exactly the second. Thank you, Linda!

  26. Melinda Handy on July 16th, 2009 9:39 am

    I love this.

  27. Alexa on July 16th, 2009 10:13 am

    Gorgeous.

  28. Katherine on July 16th, 2009 10:23 am

    Beautiful. And true.

  29. Leigh on July 16th, 2009 10:25 am

    I have read your blog for a long time and never posted. This was just beautiful – so simple and touching. I think every mother feels her heart tug a little when reading this!

  30. Renee on July 16th, 2009 10:34 am

    I wish my baby would stay 2 months old forever…

  31. becky on July 16th, 2009 10:50 am

    How did you know? My son, the younger of my two boys, my beautiful baby-who-isn’t-for-much-longer, is turning one tomorrow. My emotions on this are….well, how did you know?

    Beautiful. Perfect. Thank you.

  32. Nicole on July 16th, 2009 12:54 pm

    I am inspired by you… Thank you.

  33. Lisa on July 16th, 2009 1:11 pm

    Does JB know you are all that and a bag of chips?

    Sometimes, it feels like you are writing for all of us who cannot get the words to sit properly on the page…

    Thank you, Linda.

  34. Deb on July 16th, 2009 1:32 pm

    Oh, I was bereft when I realized that every new step my baby made was a step away. I never thought of it in terms of choice – thanks.

  35. Rachael on July 16th, 2009 3:04 pm

    OK, crying now.

  36. Beth in SF on July 16th, 2009 4:47 pm

    So sweet. I cherish every single snuggle I get because I know someday, like in about 15 years, he’s going to want nothing to do with me. If it wasn’t for poopy diapers, I’d ask a genie if he could be 13 months forever.

  37. Leah on July 16th, 2009 4:54 pm

    Oy, that made my leg hairs all prickly.

  38. Audrey on July 16th, 2009 8:03 pm

    Well said.

  39. Jodi on July 17th, 2009 6:15 am

    beautiful. chills.

  40. Jenine on July 17th, 2009 9:06 am

    You’re making me weepy, little mama. So glad you’re feeling the joy.

  41. Melissa D. on July 17th, 2009 10:45 am

    Beautiful.

  42. Christen on July 17th, 2009 3:18 pm

    This is a beautiful piece of writing, Sundry. I resonate completely. Thank you.

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