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Jul
20
Someone recently mentioned how their baby has slept through the night since they were born and my immediate reaction was not “oh, how lucky”, or “what a fantastic situation for them, I’m so happy for my friend!” but rather, BULLSHIT. BULL. SHIT. LIARRRRRRR. You lying liarton, with the LIES! Admit that you get up fifteen times a night and you’re running on fumes and No-Doz, ADMIT IT NOW BEFORE I CAMP OUTSIDE YOUR HOME AT 3 AM WITH CAMERA AT THE READY.
If I take a moment to physically slap the crazy out of my head, I know she’s not lying, because why would she? It’s just that my recent experience has been so drastically different it’s hard for me to wrap my brain around an alternate reality. Even though Riley, bless his little suspicious soul, slept beautifully through the night starting at eight weeks or so—giving me the horrible misconception that I had somehow engineered that behavior and could repeat it with a second child, ha ha ha ha HAAAAAAA—my memories of those blissfully interruption-free nights have long been erased by a certain toddler I will refer to as Shmylan, the one that required a soul-sucking amount of sleep training to stop blatting in hourly intervals starting at midnight, who at 17 months of age is still prone to waking up the entire household because he has, for instance, managed to wedge the top of his head too firmly against the crib wall and would very much like someone to help him get repositioned, thanks.
It seems like there were many months when some protective chemical was being produced in my body and my first thought upon hearing Dylan cry was not, in fact, I WILL BLUDGEON HIM WITH A SALAD SPOON, but that has definitely changed now. I mean, okay, I don’t really want to bludgeon my child with a salad spoon (maybe a soup ladle?), but now instead of just getting out of bed to Deal With It, those occasional wee-hour wakeup calls suck the life right out of my body. Like those ghosty motherfuckers in that one Harry Potter movie. Or being exposed to Spencer Pratt.
(That’s the problem.)
(Who got that? Aw yeah, Joel McHale in the HIZZOUSE.)
Thankfully, he’s sleeping through most nights now (and it only took us a year and a half! HA HA HA OH MY GOD), but if it wasn’t abundantly clear to me that I am All Done having children, the sleep thing drives the point home like an adrenaline syringe forcefully plunged through the breastbone. Every night we have to get up and tend to Sir Thigh Roll, I feel just a tiny bit less capable of dealing with it than the time before. If most activities have the rewarding outcome of increasing your skills the more they are repeated, this, for me, is the polar opposite. A year ago I could get up at 3 AM and feed the baby while performing a Viennese waltz, maybe using the other hand to solve a Rubik’s Cube, now it’s all I can do just to heave my carcass out from underneath the blanket.
For the last two nights, the creature waking me up at 1, 2, and 3:26 AM hasn’t been the toddler, or even the blessedly dependable preschooler—instead, it’s Dog. Dog has some kind of Lingering Digestive Issue and has taken to whimpering frantically at the back door in varying intervals throughout the night. We can’t leave her outside, because she has circus peanuts where her brains should be and will bark constantly at invisible squirrels all night, so our only recourse is to get up, let her out, wait for her to do her business, then let her back in, all the while staring blearily out at the porch-lit patio surface, where on Saturday night I saw a spider the size of a fucking BUICK.
Early Sunday morning I had let the dog out, let the dog in, patted Dylan back to sleep, then got out of bed again to let the yowling cat inside, and as I crawled back into bed, roughly jostling JB in the process (because I don’t like to suffer alone), I thought, this never really ends, does it? There will always be midnight barfings or fevers, and pets with various demands, and someday I’ll be lying there staring at the ceiling while my ears strain for the sound of my drunken teenager’s return. Why didn’t I appreciate sleep when it was mine, all mine? If I could give one piece of advice to young folks today, as I wave my cane around in the air, it’s this: GET MORE SLEEP, because one day, it will be FUCKED FOREVER.
Unless, of course, your baby sleeps through the night from birth.
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104 Responses to “Advice for young people”
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It could be worse. My grandmother, mother, and I are all part of a terrifying tribe of terminal insomniacs. None of us have, in our own or anyone else’s memory, EVER slept through the night. My mom was well into adulthood before she realized that some people sleep through the night, not even waking up to make a grocery list and eat peanuts at two in the morning.
Maybe I should start a night-time babysitting service to come over and tend to other people’s children overnight while they sleep? Might as well put this non-sleeping to my financial advantage until I have kids of my own!
How about … chicken tetrazzini!
Just wanted to thank you for the Joel McHale shout out and return the love. Oh, how I adore Mr. McHale and the Soup. And oh, how I fear he will leave the show once his sitcom takes off.
That is all.
My daughter woke up and woke up and woke up until she was old enough to have cereal, and then she slept through the night after eating. From like 9 until 6 am. And then I could change her and give her a bottle and she’d go right back to sleep for another two hours.
My son, at 3 months of age woke up at night, one time, and I in all my infinite 23 year old wisdom, mixed him up some cereal the very next night. Whereupon he slept 14 hours, and I thought I’d overdosed him or something, and it scared the shit out of me. So I put up with his getting up at 2 for about a month, and then he started sleeping through the night again. And then his big sister would wake him up when she woke up because hey! Baby to play with! I miss those days, but I don’t either. I remember sometimes being so tired that I would blank out whole weeks at a time.
Guess what I’m saying is, you are not alone.
But you are a better mom than I ever was I think…..
Ha ha ha ha ha ha, I’m dying. For several reasons. First of all, I immediately caught your reference to The Soup. (I heart Joe McHale.)
Secondly, I could have written this post. THE WHOLE THING. Down to the dog with digestive issues and the yowling cat and the jostling of the blissfully sleeping husband. It’s funny because it’s TRUE. (Incidentally, I totally feel your pain.)
FOREVER AND EVER AMEN.
Ahem. Obviously I heart JoeL McHale. Oops.
Carry on.
Word up on the Spencer Pratt reference. It struck fear deep in my heart, with his flesh-toned scruff.
So, I? Was the obnoxious mom whose baby slept peacefully since he was two weeks old. If it is any consolation, OH MY GOD, THAT SHIP HAS SAILED AND I’M DY-ING FOR JUST ONE NIGHT.
And my husband, of course, has selective hearing disorder that renders him incapable of hearing the baby/dog/cat/whatever. He says that this concerns him greatly because what if something SERIOUS happens and he can’t hear it?
BITE ME WITH YOUR SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT, MAN.
So my daughter finally slept thru the night at 22 months. She’s now almost 4 is doing okay. So what did I do?? I got a puppy.
Apparently the lack of sleep, even when it does return, has lingering side effects. Like sadistic insanity.
My 11 year old gets up in the wee hours (6 am-ish) for no reason whatsoever. I try to tell her how precious sleep is, but she’d rather play with her toys or read a book. Weirdo.
I heard someone say the other day that their tiny baby was sleeping through the night. When pressed, she admitted that the baby woke up a couple of times a night to nurse, then went right back to sleep. You know, the whole night. I always thought that sleeping through the night meant that the baby slept the whole night. No waking to eat, etc. So maybe we all just have different definitions of sleeping through the night. Or whatever.
AMEN. I ask my husband all the time why didn’t we just spend the ENTIRE WEEKEND SLEEPING when we didn’t have kids? (Oh, and reading books and going OUT to movies and dinner…)
Ha ha. My friend is almost due with her first. I keep telling her to suck.it.up and keep the baby inside. She has no idea what’s coming.
Coincidentally, I turned to my significant other after dropping off the stepkids with their mom yesterday and said “I am SO not ready to have kids of our own yet. I need more sleep first.”
Joel McHale went to Mercer Island High School – I graduated a year after him – doubt he remembers me. I never had a baby – only a stepson I got when he was 5 and slept from bedtime at 8:00 until about 6:30 AM. We’re thinking about having a baby of our own, and then sometimes I change my mind when I read these blogs.
Legend has it that I didn’t sleep through the night until I was 9 years old. My poor, poor parents.
Well, of course, the obvious solution is not to have any kids or pets.
And if you have them already? Wait for them to grow up/die and don’t replace them with new versions!
Guess I’m just heartless. :-) Then again, I know you wouldn’t have it any other way, sleep deprivation or not. Still . . . you might be done with the having of children, but you could still fall prey to a pair of soft, brown puppy-dog eyes. Reread this entry, then, before you make any rash decisions re: four-legged children.
Did you know Joel McHale’s brother is a PRIEST? I KNOW. How weird is that.
He’s totally on my freebie list. He’s number 4 or 5, but he’s on there, skinny tie and all.
Oh, hi. We have the same life. I *also* have an irritating (lovely and sweet) toddler (poopface?) of the 17 month age. She wakes at least 2 times a week, and after rocking her darling, cute baby face to sleep, I wake up my husband (who sleeps like a fucking log) and remind him how serious I am about never ever again adding another living soul to my household. (not even a dog or a cat or a hamster) I think I’m going to request vas differens snipping coupons for Christmas from the fam. Is that an option? It should be. (Did I mention that I have a 3 year old also? No? Well, I do. He likes to get colds for fun. I LOVE MY KIDS!)
CIRCUS PEANUTS! That explains alot, around my house.
my oldest slept through the night at five weeks. I bragged. at 5 months he started waking up again and did not sleep through the night again until he was TWELVE YEARS OLD. not a lie, not even a little bitty one. now he is 23 and I believe he has no trouble sleeping.
I have insomnia so even though both of my darlings are 7 and 10 (and stay in bed once put there) I still wake up at ungodly hours for no good reason. The next time I find myself on the couch in front of the t.v. (for the background noise) I’ll think of you.
You kind of get to sleep for a little while between the ages of 10 and 13. Then they start hanging out with their friends and you have to go pick them up way past your bedtime, like 10 p.m. FINALLY they start driving themselves (16 in Tennessee) and you’re so fucking grateful that you don’t have to haul your ass all the way to fucking Arlington at 11 p.m. to pick them up from some cheerleader’s house that you don’t really give a shit that you might have a possibly drunken teen behind the wheel of a motor vehicle and you take a xanax and just go to sleep already.
But that’s just my experience and we have already determined that everyone’s child/ sleep experience is different.
My 1st slept from 9 til 7:30 at 3 months. So, I prepared myself for 3 months of sleep deprivation with this baby. Well, it’s nearing seven months now, and I’m still waiting to sleep. When she actually has a good night, the 2 year old has nightmares. I shouldn’t be allowed to drive, I’m that tired.
I don’t know how y’all are helpin’ Dylan sleep but maybe he needs a helpin’ of CHICKEN TETRAZZINI! (Aww yeah! I also love the Soup).
One of the reasons I am terrified to be a parent is that I’m wildly protective of my sleep. I don’t know if I could do that much deprivation before going off the deep end.
Dude.
I.dont.know.what.sleep.is.anymore.
I’ve found out from several people after they’ve claimed for months and months that their babies slept through the night, that it included getting up a couple of times to pop the paci back in. That’s fine with me if you want to call that sleeping through the night, but just tell me so I can stop beating myself up about my child who wakes 3 times a night! I thought my kid was the only one doing that, and come to find out lots of others do too, they just don’t call it that!
Ahhh this one had me in tears. Dog’s stomach issues and the kids crying and the noise and HOW ON EFFING EARTH CAN MY HUSBAND SLEEP THROUGH ALL THIS DAMN NOISE… wail, whimper, I just wannnna sleep…
AND when I ask any of them about it in the morning the two that can talk look at me like I am a freakin’ lunatic? What? Noise? ME? NAW. The three that cannot talk just stare at me with this funny look on their faces. It is all HIGHLY suspicious.
Heh waving your cane… though I will concur while whistling through my dentures ;)
So my dog’s ‘lingering digestive issues’ turned out to be diabetes. So now I have a 3-yr old night owl, 18-month old that if I had a nickel for every time he’s slept through the night I could buy…oh, maybe one doughnut to eat since I crave carbs when I’m tired (but not enough for a coffee to go with said doughnut), and the mutt that gets twice daily insulin shots and special food that costs fucking $2 per can.
I can’t even imagine. Both my kids are good sleepers. I think some part of them knew I didn’t have it in me to deal with not sleeping. If we end up having a third kid I’m sure I will be utterly fucked.
I am insanely looking forward to approaching you at BlogHer and being all “um hi I’m that chick who randomly spouts SO SAY WE ALL and goes on and on about how you’re her favorite blogger ever.”
I always want to raise my middle finger to those parents who claim their children sleep through the night. I have 3 kids. None of them have slept through the night until they were around age 2. Which means I haven’t had a good nights sleep in almost 6 years. 6 FRICKIN’ YEARS. Middle finger salute.
Yay, Joel McHale! And Boo to Spencer’s creepy flesh-colored beard. I have to brag that I got to go out for a rare evening away from my ten month old to see Joel McHale a couple of months ago!
So, I just have the one kid. And it might be the only one, since I had the Dylan (or is it Schmylan?) first. The fact that I am still dealing with this at 10 months is sucking the life right out of me. And I know what you mean about it not getting easier with experience. Even the earliest newborn days seemed easier than this. I’ve been thinking about how this will NEVER EVER end too. I am thinking it’s best to accept it now.
OK, here’s how you get your kid to sleep through the night. Drop her on her head.
OK, I exaggerate. The babysitter dropped her on her head. While the husband and I were out celebrating my birthday. And we came home early from the symphony because my husband had a funny feeling.
“You’re not supposed to have woman’s intuition,” I hissed, “you’re a MAN.” And then we walked into our condo and found a total stranger there holding down the fort while the regular babysitter took our daughter to the emergency room.
So we went to the hospital and picked her up. The doctor said to check her during the night, and I thought “hey, no problem. She’s still waking up twice a night to nurse.”
So I didn’t set an alarm.
Guess who slept through the night? That night and every subsequent night?
True story.
My wee one reportedly slept 6 hours per night at age 2.5 weeks. Big sister, 8 hours at age 3 mos. I don’t know how early that started, as I wasn’t there; but they have both been great sleepers as long as they’ve been with me.
That is, until this summer, when they have decided that it’s their job to come and wake me up as soon as “the sunshine is up.” Which would be great if I wasn’t up working until 1am (or later) the night before.
I too have recently admitted to myself that I will probably never have another “good night’s sleep” again. It is a very sad thought.
My first baby never slept – ever. I have no idea when she finally slept through the night. She’s 9 now so obviously it kicked in eventually, it’s just all so blurry, I don’t know.
I’ve read some of these comments saying they’d never have another, etc. The thing is when I had my first I found having a baby the worst thing on earth. The. Worst. I couldn’t understand why anyone EVER would have more than one. My life was a living nightmare. I really hated it. But my 2nd child came along when my first was 2 1/2…and she has always slept like a log. So you can’t really judge one child by another you have (as you’ve also experienced!)…
kim
Hahahahaha – still laughing at the Joel McHale reference. Down with Spencer Pratt and his flesh colored beard!
Also, sorry about the sleep insanity. My youngest is 14 months and we just barely got him to stop waking the hell up every night (now it’s just some nights), but he still wakes up every morning at the ungodly hour of 5:15ish. Ugh. So I’m with ya. I hate those people who get real, glorious sleep. No bags under the eyes. Non-caffeine-induced wakefulness during the day. Oops, do I sound bitter? ;-)
I will take your advice. I’m a 29 year old single, childless girl about to go to bed with nothing but a good book and a cuddly Siamese cat. Tonight, instead of being lonely, I’ll be thankful. Thank you!
Love this entry – I am living it all except, thank God, not the dog digestive issues. The funniest part, though – “roughly jostling JB in the process”. I SO do that to Keith.
When I read stories about kids who don’t sleep I thank my lucky stars because my son literally slept from 8 pm – 8 am 7 days a week from the time he was 2 months old. In fact the first time he slept that long we both passed out together and when I woke up at 4 AM I thought for a second he was dead. Nope he was sleeping like a log. I went back to sleep and slept until 7:00 AM and was up before him and had an entire hour to myself.
I am sure you hate me now but it’s true, he’s been like that ever since and he’s now 8.5
Things will change. I promise.
Oh shit. I just found out yesterday morning I am pregnant. Is it truly that awful???
PS. I am going to see Joel McHale in San Diego this Friday. So excited.
Advice for “young” people. Actually I think you give sound advice, as I am 13 weeks along and 28. I’m (FREAKING THE HELL OUT) -I mean, excited, albeit the impending sleepless night. Hopefully being a nurse who works night shift will help. Maybe…I mean, my baby is already sucking the life out of me and it’s not even born yet. (sigh)
Oh, and I LOVE JOEL!! I missed him when he came to town.
Oh Gods I love your writing so much. I too was blessed with my first born, sleeping through from 10 weeks and having a long nap in the afternoon. Then I went and ruined it 17 months later by having Sir Screams A Lot and at 2 years 10 months he still likes to wake up in the night. Last night it was 4.13am because his covers were the wrong way round. BLUGEONING with a salad spoon is too good for him! Then my 4 year old got up for a pee and that woke my bladder up so now I am at work nearly crying. Oh and Im 11 weeks with number 3. I must be out of my mind.
When my single and childless friends tell me about sleeping in until 11am I could weep!
My FIRST thought when I got pregnant was not “will I make a good mom?” or “am I ready to have a baby?” or even “HOLYMFG, I’m creating life”. It was “Oh. Shit. How am I ever going to cope without sleep?!!!”
Lucky for me, my kid did sleep through the night from the second he was born. Seriously – he was born just after 9pm, by 10pm he was zonked out (apparently because of the super-fast delivery) and when the midwives came to check on us both at around 4am, they were shocked that he was still asleep and I hadn’t fed him. They tried to wake him up and he just flipped them off and went back to sleep. From then, he slept 6-8hours through the night until 6 weeks when he went to 12-14hrs.
I’m afraid to get pregnant again – because, as you say, what if this gift was bestowed by the sleep-gods and not as a result of genetics?! I’m not sure I could cope with a baby who didn’t love sleep as much as I do.
I have some good advice for anyone whose kid(s) tend to wake up in the middle of the night. Somehow (and I haven’t a clue how I did this) train them to ONLY want Daddy in the middle of the night!! I really don’t know how it happened, but I’m certainly not complaining. My younger son insists on only my husband in the middle of the night. And who am I to argue with an almost 3 year old who KNOWS what he wants?? I figure it’s payback for having to get up to nurse when they were babies.
My boys were both great sleepers- only waking once a night before they were 8 weeks and then both solid thru the night after that. They are 13 and 12 now and they go to bed well and wake up well. I know the teen years will be different. For now it’s just the fucking cat who wakes me up at 3 to tell me there are no snacks in the dish. Fucker.
Lol. I am so there with you. Neither of my children have been good sleepers, and I still get up with the toddler at regular intervals, with 20 minutes before my alarm needs to go off being his new wake up time. The grandkids of my in-law’s neighbor are good sleepers. The oldest was sleeping 13 HOURS STRAIGHT starting at about 4 months. From 8pm to 9am. I got informed of this often by my MIL.
My preschooler generally has no issues at night, and if he does, my husband can tend to him. He who shall not be named, screams even LOUDER if daddy dares to enter at night without mommy immediately behind him.
I really miss sleep. I used to be one of those people who could happily spend the day in bed on the weekend, sleeping in until at least 10. Now I feel like a zombie.
I always think of that line Billy Crystal gives at the start of some movie, about what advice he would give to young people today, and he says, ‘floss’.
But this, this is the key message.
Don’t forget though, along with waiting for the drunken teenager to stumble home, is the teenager that doesn’t wake until midday.
Personally, I can’t wait to start harping on about how half the day is wasted at them for no other reason that sweet sweet REVENGE.
Since my son was born (six weeks ago), I answer this way-
Well-meaning person:
“Does he sleep through the night?”
Me:
“No, thank God!”
No one ever knows how to respond to that one. :)
It could be worse…a family member has a two year old that still wakes up crying EVERY night between midnight and 2am and won’t go back to sleep until he’s in bed with them.
They have a full-sized bed.
Amen. Since my first baby, four years ago, I have fantasized about this one room I had in college, in an old rambly house. My room had big windows, a spindle bed with nice clean sheets, a quilt that was soft from being washed many times, and no babies at all, not even the thought of one in my head.
I remember napping there in the afternoons, if I had a late night or something. I would want to go back and tell myself to enjoy those naps more, except I know I enjoyed them at the time too. God bless naps. Someday I will be an old woman who wishes my kids would call more often, even if they interrupt my nap. I hope I will appreciate the irony.
Why do we all put up with that whole “husband doesn’t hear a thing” bullshit? My husband claims to have never heard a child in the night yet if someone whispered “do you want to go golfing?” from the driveway he’d hear it and be up dressed and ready in two minutes flat. Fucker.
My motto has always been ‘It’s a miracle that first babies live’. They’re kind of like an experiment for parents. Mine was anyway – she didn’t sleep till she was 4. My son was much better. They’ll sleep all day now if you let them (teenagers). Good luck. This too shall pass.
Oh I am so with you on the sleep thing. And yet we have decided to try for #2. Heaven help me.
This week Half Squat started experimenting with climbing in and out of things. Hasn’t really tried it yet with the crib but I know it is coming. And the screaming! The screaming like someone is ripping out his entrails is also enjoyable in the middle of the night.
Why do I want another one? Oh right, so maybe he will inflict some of this on a sibling instead of us.
Poor dog. Our 12 year old Pit Bull mix was sick a few months ago and we had to take him out every hour. He had bad diarrhea and we ended up having to put a doggie diaper on him. It only lasted 2 days, so hopefully Dog will get better soon!
My kid has slept through the night since 3 months old. But I haven’t. Since, like, my 6 month of pregnancy. So that’s…what? 3 years? Which would explain why when you wrote “Shmylan” as the Sleep Bandit, I read it as “Shyamalan” and wondered for a good 2 minutes why in Christ’s name you were talking about M. Night Shyamalan, and how I really didn’t care for his movies and what does this have to do with sleeping patterns? WHAT IS HAPPENING?? Then I re-read it and felt like a dummy. Sounds like it’s time for more caffeine! Huzzah!
I’m due with my first in–OMG–10 weeks. I’m desperately trying to stock up on sleep now, but it’s getting harder to do. I worked as a nanny for years, so I have some idea of what to expect, but my poor husband has never been around newborns at all and I don’t think he’s taking my warnings quite as seriously as he should.
Not to be overly gushy or anything, but I love your blog (and twitter) I could totally relate to your twitter post the other day about feeding your toddler to the garbage disposal. Mine is a 3.5 year old, red haired tempest.
My second child (the aforementioned tempest) was the easiest baby ever, sleeping 8 hours a night at 2 weeks in her own crib. I thought ‘I am the best mom evah’ but oh man at age 3.5 it is payback time. Oh, she still sleeps through the night after getting up roughly 18 and a half times till she wears herself out enough to finally fall asleep, and squash our will to live.
Love you for the Joel McHale reference…..LOVE HIM!!!
My daughter slept at least 5 hours a night from the moment we brought her home from the hospital. I had to wake her up to feed her!! We had a great baby who sleeps! Yea! However, when she was 4, we found out she had sleep apnea due to her giant tonsils. So, she actually was waking up often to try to breathe, we just didn’t hear her….gah! I still feel guilty about it to this day.
My oldest didnt sleep through the night until he was FOUR. I will let you digest that for a moment.
My middle child was “good”, in that he slept through at around age 2. Uh-huh, in my life that equals GOOD. (sad arent I?)
My youngest sleeps with the tv on. I find that if she wakes during the night, Spongebob on the tv means she will just watch that and not wake me. Selfish? YUPPERS.
About Dog—have him checked for worms. My dog had the very same annoying problem. It was worms. Not to gross you out or anything.
I have an 8 month old who will not sleep through the night (average: 3 wake-ups per night), and it is killing me. I see friends who have pets, and I wonder how it is possible to have both pets and kids. I don’t think I could do it.
When someone smugly tells me their baby sleeps through the night, it makes me want to slap them. But I just remind myself how much cuter my kid is than theirs, and I feel much better.
I don’t know why I ask new parents how the baby is sleeping, because 1) if your new baby IS sleeping, I hate hate HATE you and 2) if your new baby is NOT sleeping, all I can do is nod empathetically with the dead eyes of a sleep-deprived parent of three children.
I can’t give advice, I can’t falsely promise it will get better, I can just nod.
Although once a new dad told me his two-week-old daughter was sleeping through the night. Right before I shoved a butter knife through his heart he explained that his wife only had to get up with the baby once between 1am and 6am – which he considered sleeping through the night.
And then I laughed and laughed and laughed.
I’m not sure how you know that she’s not lying, but I certainly think it’s a load of bull.
Honestly, I even question whether a child less than a month old should be ALLOWED to sleep through the night, especially in the first week or so when the billirubin is being extricated.
I think many of us want our children to be the best at everything and some tend to exagerrate at a bit. Maybe there is a study out there that says that children who sleep through the night by two weeks have a 50% chance of becoming a Rhodes scholar?
Oh, do you know what is worse than my smug coworkers who all claim their babies sleep perfectly? People whose babies have slept through the night since newborn stage who tell you things will get better. How the hell do they know?
I am going through the EXACT SAME THING! Only my son is 13 months old and is still getting up EVERY FUCKING NIGHT! My dog, my cat, a sick preschooler…it seems on the rare nights my 1 year old actually SLEEPS they all conspire against me to get me up anyway. You’ve described the feeling perfectly, in the early months, getting up every hour was no big deal, now a 3AM wakeup call drains me of my will to live.
My body has a strange reaction when woken up by my 9 month old or his older sister in the middle of the night…I get an immediate headache and I start to sweat. Weird huh?!
I hear you on the sleep thing. I actually think I might hate people with babies who sleep through the night. Or this one lady in my knitting group with the baby that never cries whereas I endured weeks of fussiness and colic…I really hate her too.
What I do love though is my dog door.
Hi. Mom to a 1 yr old. Haven’t had more than 3 hrs uninterrupted sleep in 15 months. My teenage cousin is staying with me this summer. She sleeps for 16 uninterrupted hours at a time! She can magically sleep through baby tantrums, screaming fits, and OMFG do they still call that DIAPER RASH??? Level of homicidal thoughts based on jealousy right now = high.
I remember when I was pregnant how delusional I was about babies and sleep. My mom claims that my brother slept through the night (the typical 5-6 hour span) at 6 wks and me at 10 days. (This from the women who got my brother out with one push. True story.) I knew I wouldn’t have such luck, but thought somehow that all babies slept through the night by around 3 months. I remember thinking – HOw will I EVER make it to 3 months???!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
However, he did start sleeping through the night at 8 1/2 months (once I stopped nursing him at night – worked like a charm), and sleeps well now at night. Last time he woke up crying in the middle of the night, he was covered in vomit. Naps, though. Naps are another story.
I TOTALLY thought to myself on Saturday morning, as I was waking up before 8 to the sound of my toddler jumping in his crib: If, as a teenager, he wants to sleep until noon? I WILL LET HIM. Because dear God, those were the days.
Oh sleep…
My son slept through the night for the first time when he was … 18 months old. He enjoyed waking regularly up until that point… often waking around midnight and deciding to stay awake until 3 and 4am. I think I looked confused and dishevelled for a good 2 years. I’m not even sure how I managed to make it through my days.
He is almost 3 now and FINALLY sleeps wonderfully (in our bed of course)… and here I am trying for baby number 2… I am scared to DEATH of the going back to sleep deprived / crazy, crying, emotionally damaged woman mode… but here I am, going for it anyways. I just figure I’ve already had my non-sleeper… the next one HAS to be better… right?
I have a 12 year old stepdaughter. She woke me up at 2am because she couldn’t sleep, and I thought it was THE END OF THE FREAKING WORLD. HOW was I suppose to function after being woken up in the middle of the night OMG OMG OMG
Clearly, I am not ready for a newborn. Dear Lord.
My ability to function with little or no sleep was deprogrammed by something in my body within the space of one year. I used to pull bender upon all night mug session upon bender up until the age of 27. I even remember the exact moment it changed-I was mugging up for my 3rd bar exam (err, I didn’t take the same one 3 times…it was for a different state…no idea why I need to justify that but I hate people thinking I failed a bar 3 times) and I just said f*ck it, I can’t stay up like this for 3 or 4 days in a row anymore.
I had three kids, and every one of them slept at least 7-8 consecutive hours at night from the ages of 3-4 weeks. I think it’s because we slammed the cereal into them at an early age, and possibly because they were all eight-pounders and well able to go a few hours without sustenance.
But I would trade a cry-y nocturnal infant for those damned teenagers any day. Do you know, my youngest is 37 and I still wake up in a panic because he’s not home yet and OMG what has happened? And then I stay awake playing solitaire on the computer until he wanders in at 8:00 a.m. saying he slept at XYZ’s house because he had a couple of beers and didn’t want to drive after drinking. IT NEVER ENDS. Good advice. Sleep now.
haha I hate those moms who say that. The reality is probably that the baby sleeps from 1am to 5am. Is that really “sleeping through the night”? I beg to differ.
I have a howly cat too. Just when I get kiddo back to sleep, there he is, meowing as if he hasn’t seen me in a month and hasn’t eaten in as long. Stupid cat.
heeeeee hee heee! not the sleep deprivation, but spencer’s head popping up on my computer screen. and someone else’s “chicken tetrazzini”. hee heee!
My chuby 8-month-old (and I mean chubby – he is 24 lbs already, and growing as if weight gain were a race) is killing me. He wakes to nurse twice at night, once to get rocked back to sleep by dad, and then wakes for good at 5:45 am. Happy. He wakes up happy. I could just die. How long will this go on, I wonder? Didn’t I used to have a personality? Now I just have circles under my eyes and single-syllable responses to questions.
Major giggles over here. I’m sorry about your situation (our little punk has been waking at 4, not every day, but enough that it’s worth complaining about) but I have to say, it makes for fun reading.
Thanks for the giggles.
I love this post, and also Joel McHale (Pop off!!)
My 1st born slept through the night at 8 weeks and is still the best sleeper I have. My second born came home sleeping 6 or so hours through the night and was sleeping a full night by about 8 weeks. My 3rd child? My FINAL child? She does not sleep. Ever. At.All. She will be 1 next week.
If I thought I wanted 4 kids before, I do not anymore. She has broken me for good. Lucky thing she is chubby and cute.
I was one of those kids that (a) started waking up at 3 am at the ripe age of 7 months, (b) did not sleep during the day and (3) barfed in the sink when Mom was busy cleaning up the toilet from the first hurl.
I now have 3 cats that think my body must be (a) laid upon in order to sleep, or (b) touched at all times during sleep and (c) my legs pinned down the the bed by having alternate side sleeping by two of the three said cats. Now (c) would not be bad except that I need room to sleep. I cannot sleep until the sheets and blankets have been kicked into submmission. Having legs pinned makes for a very long night. So even in singlehood, sleep is not a guarantee.
this is so, so awesome, and so, so painfully true.
I’ve probably related this story here before, but since I just had my second child 7 days ago I can’t remember my own name, nevermind what I’ve posted before. ANYWAY, when my son was about 4 months old we were at our wits end with the sleep issues so I called around and took a survey of our friends with kids to get their ideas for dealing with it and I so clearly remember talking to one good friend who said “Oh I don’t know, N started sleeping through the night at 8 weeks” and I literally had to nearly hang up on her. I’ve known her for 17 years, she’s a great friend, and that one comment made me have to step away from her mentally for awhile because I was so insanely jealous. My son does sleep through the night (he’s 6.5) and has for awhile, but to compensate the dog or our cats wake us up half the time and I wonder (for the 1000 time) why the hell I have so many animals. Then I went and had another baby. I clearly hate sleep and never really wanted to have 8 continuous hours…
YES! 0% Fage + Splenda = magic lo-cal diet bullet.
Jeez, do you have a camera in my living room? My dog wakes me up HOURLY. Except when I put her out, and stare bleakly at the patio, she stares back at me. And continues whining. She wants back in. Fuck me.
I say she is preparing me for #2, which I hope to be impregnated with sometime THIS FUCKING CENTURY, but in reality, she is dragging me to the brink of sleep-deprived insanity. Fuck me.
I don’t necessarily think she’s intentionally lying. I’m more inclined to believe she’s forgetting. Those first few months become so fuzzy after a while. Was I really up half the night? I’m sure I was, but now can hardly recall.
Part of the reason it took us 4 1/2 years to have a second child (due in 4-8 weeks) was because our first was a terrible sleeper. He didn’t sleep through the night until he was 18 months old and then it only lasted until he was 2 and we moved him to a twin bed. Then we started the battle of removing him from our bed at midnight every night and that went on for, um, another 18 months, until we finally gave in and moved his twin bed into our bedroom. Now one adult and one child is in the queen size bed and the other adult is in the twin bed and we all sleep through the night. Finally. And in 4-8 weeks it will all (blessedly) go to hell again.
You are TOTALLY onto something here: I bet scientific-y research would show an unusual correlation between how much sleep parents are getting to when they think they might like to “have another”.
At two we are DONE DONE DONE, yet the last couple months I’ve been sleeping splendiferously (sorry) and am shocked to find myself thinking “oooooh, babies!”
So, you know, you could look at your rough nights on the bright side: free birth control. Yay!
My. thoughts. EXACTLY! Thank you soooo much for this post! Hardly a day goes by where I don’t think of my before motherhood days and all those times I could just sleep all day on Sunday if I wanted. Or the nights I WILLING stayed up ALL NIGHT! For no reason whatsoever! JUST! TO! STAY! UP! Arrrrrrrrrgggg!!! Your advice for young people is right on target and exactly the same thing I’ve been thinking since my son was born.
Two things:
1. my friend and I used to have mega bitch sessions about our 3rd friend who used to go on and on about her sleep-thru-the-night baby (when we were both in the midst of sleep deprivation hell) when one day we finally caught her adding “….except for feedings and diaper changes”. We didn’t know whether to laugh or punch her. Point being: sometimes its all relative.
2. My kids are now almost 6 and 3 1/2. My 3.5 year old sleeps beautifully…except for when I really need a good night’s sleep and then she parties all night long. Point being: buy more no-doz.
Thank you…I now have a belly ache from laughing so hard! You are my lunch time entertainment…thank you thank you thank you. I love that everyone around me wonders what I’m up to!
By the way….do you read FML? kind of addicted lately.
Sleep is the most amazing fucking thing ever invented… Ever! Before I was pregnant I would regularly set my alarm on the weekends at some ridiculously primordial hour – like 3AM… So I would wake-up just enough to relish in the groggy realization that I could go back to sleep for at least 7 more uninterrupted hours! Awwwwww… I can almost taste the sugar plums. Right around the 5th week of pregnancy, the insomnia kicked in. I haven’t slept a full 8 hours in 21 months. The baby has been sleeping through the night (most nights) since he was around 6 months old (thanks to the sleep training) but he’s a noisy sleeper and I’m apparently completely neurotic and/or totally insane. I keep the monitor on high and basically duct taped to my head (so I might be able to detect an unusual breathing pattern or irregular heart rhythm…) With every little sigh and moan and sleep-cry I am rendered wide awake and left with the sickening realization that at say 3AM, I only have 3 more (broken) hours left to sleep.
I know I’m not the only one to say this but, AMEN! I have found that “sleeping through the night” means something different to those people. My kids were rough sleepers for the first year. Things have definitely improved but the sleep deprivation is so awful at times that I have questioned whether or not to have another. I guess I’m nuts because we are trying for #3 now. Hoping for a “good” sleeper…Ha.
We all get ours in the end, though…Wombat is now waking up with various issues in the middle of the night–too hot, too cold, OMFG teeth!, OMFG I’ve wedged myself against the crib bars and can’t get out–but the No. 1 sleep-destroyers in our house continue to be the damn cats, who yowl and chase and pounce and splash in their water bowl at 3 a.m.
Seltzer straight through the nose on the Spencer P reference. Ow.
And thank you for yet another “am I ready” reality check that your blog continues to provide. At this point, I should probably start trying to conceive in another 34 years or so. (Deep down that IS gratitude talking, as I do love that your blog uses rose colored glasses as an accessory only.)
I guess there’s no such thing as a dog door similar to a cat door, that wouldn’t also let burglars – or worse, racoons, in.
pretty sure her baby will also be potty trained at 9 months. be ready.
Hi Linda,
This is my first time visiting your blog and OMG…too funny! I can relate completely. Except I had the reverse happen…my oldest didn’t sleep at all until he was 18 months (heck he still comes over with us at any given time during the night and he’s 3) but our youngest Logan is a dream sleeper…granted he didn’t sleep through the night until 5.5 months old, but that was fabulous in comparison! Good luck.
Andrea
One of your best posts dude!
My son is 16 and still gets up at 6:00 a.m. He is apparently the world’s only teenager who does so. His friends set their alarms for NOON for chrissakes because their parents get so mad at them for “sleeping the day away” during the summer. My son? Is playing Rock Band at 7:30 a.m. And here’s the thing: when he was a baby/toddler/little kid I despaired because he never slept (”god I’m so tired!!”) and now that he’s a teen I worry because he doesn’t sleep (”is he scoring Adderall??”. So basically the message is: no matter what your kid does, you despair and worry. I’m 46 years old and I’m positive my parents still worry about me. Parenting bites, mostly.
I have said for a long time that not having kids is wasted on people who don’t have kids b/c it is not until you have the kids that you realize how easy/simple/full of sleep opportunities life is until you have the kids. (Whew.)
P.S. Joel rocks.
As a mother of two girls…4 and 1 yrs…”Word”.
ohh yeah that was why//
a joel mchale reference… you just became my new favorite person. you see, most people blab on and on about their babies and i just can’t read it no matter how much i try, because i don’t care. however, i would read about your babies all the day long.
that’s a compliment. a really weird compliment.
As a chronic insomniac, let me just say AMEN. You people who can sleep, you have no idea how lucky you are. Assholes.
I was very pleased to find this blog.I wanted to thank you for this great read!! I definitely enjoyed every word of it and I have you bookmarked to check out new stuff in the future.
Herm