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Oct
18
Dylan spent at least half the day throwing one tantrum after another, the earsplitting tearless kind that are driven by pure anger and frustration at not being allowed to engage in a variety of undesirable behaviors such as, for instance, attempting to shatter the television screen with a metal spatula.
I joke a lot about how he eats dog hair when he’s mad, but he really and truly does this and it’s seriously demented. I mean, I have never heard of a kid lashing out in that way. I even googled it, and sadly, the only result was my own website.
That’s not his only retaliatory response towards hearing the word NO, of course. There’s also biting furniture, pulling up his shirt and biting the fabric, walking over to my bookshelf and pulling out books, reaching to pull things off the kitchen counter, throwing toys across the room, pushing buttons on the DVR, and spitting.
But the thing where he sits and plucks fuzz and dirt and pet hair off the carpet and jams it in his mouth? Drives me out of my goddamned mind. Which, of course, is the point, as far as he’s concerned. The entire time, he’s staring directly at us, so it’s perfectly clear to all involved parties just what’s going on here: this isn’t simply an idle taste-test of carpet filth, no sir. This is a RADICAL ACT.
Sometimes it’s kind of funny, you know. The pint-sized fury, the beetled brow, the fact that he’s so deliberate in his revenge. But other times I just feel dragged straight to the end of my rope by the screaming and the chaos and the obnoxiousness of it all. More than once today I lost my patience and shouted at him to STOP IT, goddamn it. Stop the crying, the spitting, the throwing, the fucking dog hair, just STOP IT.
Shouting in rage at the little boy I’d take a bullet for. Yeah, that’s a good feeling.
After today I realize that I’ve got to head off the behavior when it’s getting out of hand, because this thing where I follow him around getting more and more pissed off by the things he’s doing for the express purpose of pissing me off is . . . well, for god’s sake. I’m 35 years old. He’s not even two. Someone’s got to be the grownup, right?
If it were Riley who were acting out, I’d send him to his room in a heartbeat. When I’ve tried this with Dylan, though, he just stands in his crib screaming at the top of his lungs. But it’s true that sometimes it’s more that mom is the one who needs a time out. Next time, he’s going in his crib and I’m going outside for a nice long count of ten. Maybe two hundred.
The moments of scary, angry yelling are the ugliest I’ve ever known. The brief helpless feeling of catharsis, followed swiftly by shame and regret.
I’m so sorry, little guy. Sometimes I really suck at being the grownup.
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126 Responses to “Stop”
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Loving, Lately
JR Watkins Vanilla is my new favorite body lotion. Love the smell, love the way it feels, love the awesome label design.
I may have mentioned it once or twice, but Breaking Bad is the best thing that has ever happened to television EVER. You should watch it right now.
Bob Book Series
Riley has honestly learned to read as a result of these little box sets. Cannot recommend enough.
This applesauce bread from Allrecipes is superfast, supereasy, and the kids love it (I leave out the spices).
i think your idea of just putting him in his crib and letting him scream his damn head off for a while, while you go sit outside and catch your breath for a minute is a perfect idea. sure, he’s screaming, but he’s not hurting himself. let him. and while yelling at your kid surely does make you feel like a bag of shit (i know this first hand), at least you are aware that this is not working, and that you need a time out to collect yourself before trying again. one of this worst times i can remember is when i was living back home with my parents, and my son was pushing every button i had, and i lost my shit. totally. and i screamed at him, literally. my mother came upstairs and sent BOTH of us to our rooms. ya…feeling about 2 inches tall after that one.
We have ALL been there. I really struggle with patience, and the thing I freakin HATE MORE THAN ANYTHING is the whining. My daughter whines while she is waiting the .000045 seconds for her meal to be ready. (You’re familiar with this sound: Enh. Ennnnh. ENNNNNNNHHHHHHH.) So naturally, I model patience for her by saying, “Be patient, Gwen. It’s coming, Gwen. Just wait, Gwen. It’s coming…. OH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY STOP MAKING THAT FUCKING NOISE.” Great way to teach the value of patience and restraint, no?
I hear ya. My not yet two-year-old is getting over the plague. Two full days of the exact tantrums you described (not to mention several days without sleep causing me to plead with him at 3am telling him that if he loved mommy, he would just go back to sleep and not cry until the sun came up – yeah, that was a parental high note) had the inevitable conclusion of an identical shouting match (btw, my kid bites the furniture too, wtf?). Earlier, he put himself in a time out, not because he did something naughty, but because he THOUGHT about doing something naughty and noticed I was watching. He pulled his pointy finger back, an inch from the DVR, grabbed his blankie, and stomped off to the time out step shouting “No! No! No!” then proceeded to have a world class baby melt down as if I’d beaten him within an inch of his life. I am pretty sure if I’m so terrifying, my child puts himself in time out, I’ve abused my parental privileges somewhere along the way.
I don’t have much to offer other than to try dumping a couple of boxes of baking soda on the carpet (and vacuum up the excess). It gets rid of odors and taste horrible.
I’ve been there. I get so mad at myself when I have such a crappy response. But you’re right…the time out is more for us than them. I did have to laugh at your description of him, the look, the shovling of pet hair. Ours doesn’t do the exact same thing, but similar. Hang in there!
I’ve been extra yelly lately and that makes me feel like ass. This helps you not at all, I’m sure, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.
You never are. :)
Oh, boy. Going through the same thing right now. Tonight my almost three year old told me it hurts her feelings when I yell at her. Holy crap, that stung.
This stage can’t last forever, right? RIGHT???
I’m thinking (hoping?) that every mother knows this shame. Even those you could never imagine would lose their cool like that, because quite frankly, kids are frequently soooo very annoying! I’ll admit that about every six months, my son pushes me right off the cliff of sanity and I scream at him at the very top of my lungs. At this point he’s six and just looks at me in a curious sort of way and says, “jeez, you don’t have to yell like that, mommy.” When he was younger, his little face would crumple in that heartrending way where you know you’ve ripped away a little piece of his spirit. You’re so right about that momentary feeling of catharsis followed immediately by burning shame. I’ve recognized that his behavior at this moment is usually not any different than any other day. It’s me. I can only take so much from him, my job, my world before I’m filled to the brim with frustration and exhaustion and then the cork pops and the vitriol spews out all over the person I love most in the world. Each time I vow to do better. And I do…for about six months.
Sweet Jesus, don’t we ALL suck at being the grownup sometimes? My kid does everything you just described except for the dog hair thing. Instead, he cries until he pukes every.single.time. – I’ve actually sat in a chair and sobbed while he threw a tantrum and threw up in his high chair because I just couldn’t take it anymore. I’ve lost my temper and gritted my teeth at him and felt like a total asshole because of it. I thank GOD there is someone like you who so candidly shares her experiences because it’s all just so REAL. And I would bet money almost every parent reading your blog nods their head through most of it. This parenting stuff is hard.
Also? I’d like to see Michelle Duggar lose her shit JUST ONCE dammit…
Oh, this really stinks, I’m sorry. How is it that they know how to push our buttons at such an early age?
I think you’re on the right track with trying to head the behaviors off at the pass before they escalate. Thinking back, is there a pattern to them? Do they always happen when you’re involved in something else (he wants attention) or before meal or naptimes? If so, or even if you see the little Hulk coming out, maybe have a Super Fun Distraction Drawer at the ready to draw his attention away from whatever destruction he’s contemplating.
I don’t know — these ideas always sound so great in theory, but in practice life isn’t that predictable. This will pass. You’re a great mom.
Exactly what Carey said (but mine are 3 1/2 and 21 months). I’m so glad I read the comments; I feel better now (even though it is 12:06 am and, once again, I am in front of my laptop because I have enough work for three people at my fucking job). And sneaking in my own vent also feels quite refreshing.
This too shall pass, Linda! Mine won’t go to prom with a Pull-Up to poop in in her purse and Dylan’s prom date won’t have to take dog hair out of his mouth in order to smooch him.
I’m not a parent so I can’t add to the conversation, but I have to say that picture slays me. Those eyes, those lips, those JAMMIES.
The chainsaw in the background of that photo is a nice touch.
I love the chain saw in the background. Hee.
No magical words of advice, just: been there, done that :-( Didn’t leave the house for 2 months when kiddo would have what I called “medical grade tantrums” in public places and/or getting in the car seat. I thought so many times he was going to have a seizure or faint or start bleeding from his eyes he was screaming, crying, drooling, etc etc etc etc very scary & frustrating…anyway..I feel ‘ya…you are an amazing mom and parent who loves, clothes, shelters and protects her young, even in the worst of times…deep down, way below the yelling, you know that~kiddos and you will be fine, forever ;-)
I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with putting him in his crib during a tantrum. I did that with my daughter when she was about 16-20 months because a simple ‘no’ when put her in such a ridiculous state of rage, I was afraid she would hurt herself. She would do that fish flop thing onto a tile floor and honestly, I’m sure she would have ended up with a concussion one day. When it started getting bad, I just scooped her up and dumped her in her crib. I would calmly tell her that no meant no and no amount of screaming would make me change my mind. She could keeping screaming for as long as she needed to, I understood that she was angry and that was ok, but I would only come and get her when she was done because I did not want to listen to the screaming. Every once in awhile I would shout from the other room ‘Are you done yet?’ and when she said yes, I would go get her, perfectly happy, as if the tantrum never happened, and just pick up where we left off. I think that it is a good technique for ignoring tantrums. I also think it is important to find a way to shift the balance of power back to you and thats why this might work really well with Dylan. So long as tantrums put him in control of the situation, he will keep doing it.
I love the crib idea. (Er, perhaps that’s because what I do.) I think it is a good way to signal This Behavior Needs to Stop—while also in fact stopping it. Unless he has reserves of dog hair put aside in his crib.
[...] wrote a great post about that crappy feeling you get when you yell at your kids during those dark parenting moments of [...]
A friend of mine told me she splashed her kid with some ice cold water when she started a tantrum. She claims it stopped hers in her tracks. Might be worth a try, at least it wouldn’t hurt him. Ewww, dog hair!?!
You are not alone in screaming at your kid. I’d venture to say everyone has reached their limit for the very last time and yelled at some point in their lives of raising children. And if they say they haven’t, they are robots and they can suck it.
Oh, yes. I know this feeling. For us it is the car. Strap him in, put the car in drive, and wait for the whining, the seat kicking, the blanket/cup/book/anythingtokeephimquiet throwing. The arching back, flailing legs, head banging, oh yes. I know this.
If you figure out how to head it off at the pass, will you share please? Because I could sure use some ideas on that front.
My 5YO calmly looked at me as I was totally losing my shit this weekend “When you yell at me like that? It makes me just want to do it more and more and worse and worse.” I closed my mouth and almost cried out of frustration.
Am SO glad that I am not the only one that sucks at being a grown-up. The worst is that when my husband MD says NO….the kid magically listens. assholes.
PS – I don’t always use the crib (mainly because it is upstairs and I am lazy) but I have used the highchair (strapped in) and left him alone in the kitchen, and stepped outside for a few minutes. It was more of a timeout for me than for him.
oh honey… my first one is 28, my second 11 and I’M 51!! and sometimes i STILL suck at being a grownup… just know you have lots of company. :::hugs all around:::
We had that kind of weekend too! I yelled a few times and was told by my 4 year old that I’d ‘made him very sad’ because I was ’so cross at him!’ (he’s a big Thomas fan and picked that term up on the show.) I felt like such an asshole.
I can’t remember if Riley is older or younger than mine, but man….4 is way, way harder than 2 in the annoyance arena. Some days they just never stop. And that’s all you want them to do. STOP. For five fucking mintues, just stop.
The cramming of the dog hair i his mouth though? That would drive me bat-shit crazy too!
Thanks for sharing….everyone. It makes me feel a little less bad for losing it every now and then.
I’ve been there too. And it’s so hard. Especially when I’m so frustrated and yelling and then his face scrunches up and he starts crying because he’s hurt that mommy’s yelling and then I just feel like a major douche bag, but dammit, stop doing x,y and z, please! Nick also likes to bite the stairs. Or Gabe if Gabe refuses to attention him. The one time I tried putting Nick in his crib, he was mad at me for like the entire day. Wanted nothing to do with me. Gabe will stay in his room and yell the whole time. I think the break thing is a good idea. I used to smoke to calm down, before I had kids, and if it weren’t so bad for me I’d seriously consider taking it up again.
I am really enjoying the Love and Logic parenting book I’m reading. Some of it seems like nonsense, and makes me feel ridiculous, but it has true *plans* for how to head off tantrums, and deal with them when they happen. I have never had such a bad temper in my LIFE, nor such violent feelings, since I’ve had kids. It’s so strange, to be so in love and so angry all at once! Anyway, take a look if you can, it might help.
My niece used to do that irrational screaming and lashing out thing from when she was about 2, until about 4. My brother and sil seriously considered that she might be mentally ill and took her to several doctors, who advised them to just wait it out. And then almost overnight she changed, and is now an extremely pleasant 15-year-old, who really is a joy to be around, with no traces of that earlier behavior.
I hope this gives you [some] hope. Hang in there.
My kids are way past the tantrum stage, thank God. But I remember very clearly how exhausting and frustrating it was for me.
Beth mentioned a friend throwing water at her child during a tantrum. I did that once,
suprised the hell out of both of us. I felt
terrible, but a little water in the face was
much better than what I felt like doing.
I am sadly dealing with the same thing (minus the dog hair). My 2 year old son actually said to me “Mommy, you are always, always, always yelling at me.” Ok, I know this is SO not true as I do not yell that much, but it still makes me feel like a pile. Let me know if you find a magic remedy to getting so crazy frustrated that your mouth erupts in a tad bit of yelling.
Yup, he’s totally ready for “time out”. Whether it’s his crib, highchair, pack n’ play, he should be told once or twice what he is to do or not do, and if he does not comply, into time out he goes. In 2 weeks, all you’ll have to do is ASK if he wants a time out and he’ll cooperate asap. I hope. It works for me anyway.
Thank you for letting me know that I am not the only one who yells…and sometimes sucks as a grownup! We love these little guys so much and yet…they drive us bananans! aRGH
I was a difficult child. Knew all the buttons to push to make my mother feel what I think you are describing.
It stops, eventually – and then one day, you’ll get to tease him for eating dog hair when he was a toddler. And then, another day, you’ll get to giggle about it with his significant other.
You’re a wonderful mother.
It’s hard for me to be the grown up (and I’m just talking about dealing with my coworkers and husband) fairly often — definitely more often than I’m proud of.
While I think that that’s understandable (if not admirable), I also think you should be proud of yourself that overall you seem to be winning the war on Being A Big(ger) Person (in the personality sense, obviously).
I’m sorry. I had one of those on Saturday. It’s so sucky. I think you’re right, though – standing on the porch doing some deep breathing brought me back some sanity. Next time however I will wear socks, it was cold out there.
Ugh the deliberate button pushing. I don’t get how they quickly figure it out, either. Our big issue these days is the screaming in the car, when the car comes to a stop for too long – although not all the time and not always in the same places (bashes head against steering wheel). You either have to start distracting him with asking for the run-down on animal sounds, or just deal. I’ve started taking toys away each time he screams, but what do I do when he has no more toys? Gah.
Oh my goodness, that red little pout and those polar bear pajamas – too cute!
I have no words of advice for you. Sometimes I think Squeakles doesn’t have tantrums, but then I realize it’s because he spends a lot of time playing in his (big) play corral rather than running around our apartment grabbing/breaking everything. So anything he wants to touch / bang / whatever is ok there. So I guess unless you cage your child (understandably difficult with some personalities and when you have an older child who is free to wander anywhere), there’s going to be the constant battle between what he wants to do and what you don’t want him to do. Whenever we do “let him out” (and we do!) it’s exhausting for all of us, even when he isn’t trying to smash things.
I like Nicole’s technique of putting her daughter in her crib (though for our own personal sleep-related reasons, I don’t know if I’d put my son there) and calling out “Are you done?” and then going to get her daughter when she finally says “yes”. It sounds like her daughter is familiar with that routine and so she doesn’t freak out, but instead gets a chance to yell it out and calm down on her own.
Also, I think if you’re writing about yelling STOP, then it’s not the case that you’re yelling at him all day long, just when you’ve finally had it. So don’t beat yourself up about it too much. The “I’ve had enough” message is also a message that needs to be sent! I’m quite sure you follow it up with lots of love.
I’ve found that when my kids would do stuff like this that ignoring the behavior took some of the wind out of their sails. I realize that it does bother you and it SHOULD (because, EWWW) but if you can fake it he may stop if it’s not getting the desired effect. Giving yourself a time out is an excellent idea, many moms have done the same thing so don’t beat yourself up over it. And yes, NIP THIS IN THE BUD. Once they get to the point where they not only know what buttons to push but WHEN it can get out of hand. When I was in the shoes you’re in now I simply put them in their rooms, told them they couldn’t come out until they stopped *insert infraction here* and left them there until the noise stopped. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. Kids are funny that way. Hope this helps.
yeah – right there with you. my 3.5 yo is much the same with the angry, red-faced screaming and the destructive behavior until I want to scream at him until I pass out.
last night he was starting to work himself into that rage and I looked him in the eye, stood up and went to put away the laundry. as I left the room I had my ear out for explosion to come and you know what – NOTHING. it’s like his audience got up and left so he had no-one to perform for! of course my husband was nearby and Dylan is younger so you might not be able to trust him as much – but maybe sneak around the corner and peek. sometimes they deflate quickly when they see that they won’t get the response they expect!
we all need lessons on being a grown up and being more patient – hang in.
Oh girl. I’m so grateful that you write about this because it’s so hard and so universal and yet SO SHAMEFUL for us all.
Everytime my three year old was mad in public as a two year old she would throw herself on the floor and LICK IT. Mall? CHECK. Public restrooms? CHECK. Grocery store? CHECK.
You get the idea. She knew what would make me insane (GERMS! GAH!) and literally DOVE into it.
My mantra: Do not engage the beast. That’s what the beast wants. (The beast= BEING a two year old. Not the actual beloved two year old.) So I would walk away. Seriously. In a store, she would throw herself on the floor and start to lick it. I would walk around the corner and let her go to town. Yes I got some serious stares. Yes she licked some seriously gross floors. Then she would stop, look for me HER BELOVED AUDIENCE, and come running. It ended it after about a month of ignoring it.
Now, that won’t quite work for you, I realize as I’m sure Dylan could gag on the dog hair and might actually make a hole in your TV but remembering to NOT ENGAGE THE BEAST BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT THE BEAST WANTS is a good reminder.
I am in the thick of this right now. I get so irritated with myself when I lose control. It’s so hard in the heat of things to keep a grip sometimes. This line, I love,
“Shouting in rage at the little boy I’d take a bullet for. Yeah, that’s a good feeling.”
I am sometimes taken back at how much I can love someone and how angry they can make me soemtimes.
I’ve been there too, with the crazy yelling. With my first daughter it was so much easier to control that rage. With my toddler twins, uh, not so much. But when they get mad watch out. I have one girl who growls and (almost) calmly looks around for something to destroy. Just wandering aimlessly until she finds shit to bust up. I can’t take it. Then I yell, hoping to snap her out of it. She always shoots back a “You mean mommy!” at me and then I die a little more.
I keep chanting, this too shall pass. Please. Now.
“The moments of scary, angry yelling are the ugliest I’ve ever known. The brief helpless feeling of catharsis, followed swiftly by shame and regret.”
Its so EXACTLY how I feel.
Beth wrote: A friend of mine told me she splashed her kid with some ice cold water when she started a tantrum. She claims it stopped hers in her tracks. Might be worth a try, at least it wouldn’t hurt him.
“Might be worth a try.”
I’m trying to picture myself doing this to anyone without feeling – and being – a total douchebag.
This post makes me want to yell at my 12-year-old just because it’s reminding me of what a total asshole he was at 18 months. His trantrums included pounding his forehead on the floor, or my favorite, the top of my foot. One day, I just started doing it next to him and he looked at me like I was batshit crazy, because, I WAS. Slowed him down for awhile. I wonder what Dylan would do if you sat down and started eating carpet fuzz with him? Good luck. The very fact you doubt yourself means you’re doing the right thing. (PS – the 12 y/o is totally cool now, with no visible forehead scars.)
Thank you. Seriously. I’m sure it wasn’t your intent but reading this makes me feel so much better. To know that I am not alone in being so frustrated and at times at my wit’s end.
I was trying to shop on Saturday with my 17 mo old and lost my shit several times because of the whining and the fit throwing. I was seriously angry at him until he went eerily quite and then it hit me that I was the adult and he was the child and would I tolerate being in a stroller in the mall for 1/2 hour? Probably not. And then wham, the guilt for being so mean to him when he is just a kid. I vascillate between thinking kids need to learn how to behave in certain situations and thinking I expect too much from him.
I had been having some struggles with my 4-year-old and really losing my temper with him until I decided something had to be done. During my research on discipline, I found this book:
Discipline Without Distress: 135 tools for raising caring, responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery by Judy Arnall
It has really saved my sanity. Reading this book I realized that it was ME that was causing all the distress in my son. Ever since I changed my word choices, changed my approach with my son, his behavior has turned for the better. And I feel much more connected to him. The basic point of this book is that behind every misbehavior, the child needs something. They act out as a way of communicating and it’s up to us to take a step back and address their feelings and figure out what it is that they need. It really works and there’s no stress for all parties involved. Good luck! =)
As mother to a 3.5 yo and a 2.5 yo, I think its safe to say that I’ve lost my shit with my kids a few (hundred) times. Right afterwards, I picture myself sitting at my dining room table with Supernanny and her little DVD player of shame. So fun. Also, to make me feel like even more of a slug, my three yo will creep up to me and say “Mommy, do you love me, or no?” ouch.
I feel your pain. Seriously, put him in the crib, or wherever else you deem the best time-out spot, and walk away. He’ll yell, but you will get a chance to walk away and calm down. I wish I had some great and helpful advice, but I’m still working on this crap. It does eventually get better, or maybe the level of tantrum crap just changes. :) My three are still alive, though, so I figure I have been vaguely successful.
Also, the water thing? That just pissed my kids off even more.
Wait until he’s old enough to say, “don’t be angry, mom. Be happy.” Like you’re supposed to forget it as fast as they do. (Which would be a wonderful skill to acquire, wouldn’t it?)
Holy crap – I used to read your posts about Dylan’s temper tantrums and think “Thank GOD my three kids have had mild tempers”. Until my son hit 14-months. OH. MY. GOD. My two girls were so easy compared to this thrashing, screaming, limp-noodle-when-we-try-to-remove-him-from climbing-the-stairs, kicking, banging-his-head-on-the-floor mean kid! I can so relate. What the hell?
So, when he acts like this, I’ve started just walking away. I’ve thought about putting him in his crib, but I wondered if he would start associating his bed with being in trouble and would start having sleeping problems because he didn’t want to be in his bed? Sort of the Pavlov effect, ya know? I think it’s a good idea to leave the crib for calm, peaceful sleeping moments, and not necessarily for punishment. Especially since Dylan already has sleep issues. Just my humble opinion, though.
So me? I’ll continue to just walk away and let him throw his tantrum while I do my own thing, because I have found that the only time they really bother me (as long as he’s not hurting himself) is when I react to them. I do the same thing with my 5-year-old who still has occasional melt-downs. I tell her, “you may have a melt-down if you’d like, but you have to do it in another room. You can come out when you’re feeling better”. Seems to work every time!
Good luck, Linda. This too shall pass!
I also agree that just putting him into the crib and walking away for a minute is a good idea. Sounds like he loves your reaction when he acts out. This way he doesn’t get his way and you get a minute to cool off. Love the picture – his lips are to die for.
My grandmother used to do the water thing during tantrums. I haven’t yet, not sure how I feel about it.
My 3 year old has entered a terrible stage of being contrary as fuck. Everything is a battle, even getting dressed to go to the park. C’mon freak, it’s the PARK! You should be excited, not running from me yelling “NO! I can’t!” And then cue mom losing her shit.
We also just moved him into a toddler bed and bedtimes are now a nightmare. When stories are over and it’s time for lights out, he jumps up and attacks me. He also hits his 17 month old brother just to get a rise out of me. Staying calm during all of this isn’t working. There’s so much parental screaming over here lately I’m paranoid about the neighbors calling CPS.
I wish I could say I don’t know what you are talking about, but sister, I feel your pain, becauase I too tell at my child when I want to teach her patience – parenting fail!!
I don’t buy the “once you give him timeouts you can then threaten that later and he’ll give in” idea.
As with everything, it depends on the child. My sister can tell her boys that they are in time out and they’ll willingly go sit on the couch until she tells them it’s over (Yes, I suspect she has them on Ritalin too).
If we tried that with our daughter, she’d probably pause for a second, give me a “are you frackin’ kidding me?” look and continue her tantrum.
The lengths that Sofia will go to in order to not give in amaze me. The other day she wanted to play with “her computer” (Computer Cool School). She grabbed one of the software discs because she has it in her head that she needs it to play with her computer. The software is installed on our laptop and you don’t need the disc to use the software.
So, I told her to put the discs back (about 8 feet away from where she would be sitting with the computer) and she preceded to argue with me that she needed it and refused to put it back.
I told her she could not play with her computer until she put the disc back where she grabbed it from. Simple, right? You put the disc back, you play with your computer, you don’t, you can go pound sand. NOPE. She would rather argue, kick, scream, bite, give you the “I will burn you with the fire of a thousand suns” look before she’ll give in to this argument (she might get that from me by the way). Result….Sofia didn’t play with the computer. Think that will change her behavior next time….
Lesson: Just because it works with your kid, doesn’t mean it’s the rule. And, just because it works with ONE of your kids, doesn’t mean it will work with the other.
My son was like this. Maybe it is a boy thing. It was like I would see RED with him and just SHRIEK at him and he would keep doing whatever and it would make things worse and everything would spiral out of control till we were both mad and/or crying and/or exhausted.
I hated how rotten I felt after. I have a low patience tolerance, this I know, and it sucks. I was NEVER ever good at walking away though I have been working on letting shit go, and not harping on things and trying to laugh at my own stupid anger (b/c usually it is/was over something SO trival.)
Anyway, it sucks. I hear you. I have been right there at that moment and the moments after. Hang in there!!!
Uhm, by 18 months, I was standing in the corner with my hands behind my back for 10 minute stretches.
I was naughty AND stubborn – a familiar combination, yes?
I could cry and blubber and sob and whatever, but I had to stand nose-to-corner until I was done. That was my punishment. My older brother never had to stand there for longer than the standard “one minute per year of life” rule…I was special. Maybe Big D is the same kind of special. :)
Have you considered just letting him eat the dog hair? I know it’s disgusting, but maybe he’ll stop doing it once HE realizes it’s disgusting to have a mouth full of hair. Or maybe if you ignore him and let him do it, the power of that action will be taken away and he won’t do it anymore? I have no idea, really. I’m the mom of an 8-month-old and I read your blog while bracing myself for what is to come in my life. So this assvice is from someone who really has to clue but is routing for you from the parental sidelines!
Clueless but Hopeful: oh my god, FLOOR LICKING. Thank you so much for telling me that, I just laughed until I got a cramp. Thank GOD someone else’s kid does something so weird.
You are not alone – we have ALL been there. I liked the baking soda idea – freshens the carpet and doesn’t taste good. Another trick I used with one of mine who used to throw those monumental tantrums before she was old enough to stay in time out when told – was to sit with her in my lap, wrap my arms around her to immobilize her, and let her go as long as she wanted. I didn’t talk to her or try to reason with her, I didn’t hold her so hard I was hurting her, I was just keeping her from doing harm to me or herself. I can’t remember where I learned this, but part of the idea was that my presence and the gentle pressure of my arms around her would help her calm herself. And I found if I just tuned out and got stoic, I wasn’t upset either. Maybe this would work for you? Hang in there, Carrie
“I even googled it, and sadly, the only result was my own website.”
Thank you for that. I have coffee all over my keyboard.
Urgh. Going through the same thing right now with my 17 month old and it’s awful. The screaming, the patience-losing, the immediate sense of relief followed by instant shame and guilt. All of it. We’ll get through this – all of us. In the meantime, thanks for writing this. I feel a bit better knowing that I’m not the only one. I hope you do too.
That’s the kind of face that when I’m trying to be all SERIOUS AND I’M THE MOTHER HERE, I burst out laughing and my “authority” is completely undermined.
and then they throw that face at you, just to twist the knife a little bit more. Here’s hoping at least the dog hair eating thing stops once he figures out you’re not reacting anymore. Sneaky little devils, the lot of them!
Try not to beat yourself up too much. Grown ups throw tantrums, too.
Linda, my son is a couple of months older than Dylan, so I sympathize with my whole heart. We’ve had a bit of luck using the techniques from Dr. Karp’s “Happiest Toddler on the Block.” His writing style is annoying, and following him is kind of like being in a parenting cult, but it works. He’s got lots of good tools for communicating with a tantrumming toddler to get them to actually hear you (apparently the calm soothing tones we instinctively use when toddlers are screaming just piss them off further – who knew?). I’d recommend the book, or, I believe there’s a DVD for instant gratification.
Linda in some weird way, I feel more prepared for children after reading your website. Thanks for letting it all hang out, bumps, bruises and dog hair eating alike.
I have no answers for you, but know you’ll work through it.
How does Riley react to Dylan’s tantrums? Does he find them funny?
My daughter is 3.5 years old, and has kind of gotten over timeouts – so we’ve moved to the removal of a Favorite Toy for bad behavior. Once we realized that she was SO over the time outs and they had lost their power, we realized taking away a favorite toy for a day/night had the most power (for now). Each kid is different, all we can do is keep trying to figure it out, right? Of course, as soon as we do, they will change the rules of the game. When we did time outs successfully, we put her in her room, shut the door, and checked on her once she quieted down – sometimes this took several attempts. It was always her decision to come out, once she was calm enough to listen. Good luck!
The Today show had A bit about that too. There is a book by Susan Callahan and Katrin Schumann “Mothers Need Time-outs, Too”
It was pretty insightful. The interview, havn’t read the book.
How can we be better parents if we are at the end of our rope and gladly about to hang ourselves with it?
At least we are able to admit tho. These little suckers are a handful.
:)
My first is due in 2 months. And if you’ll all excuse me for a moment, I’m going to go sit in the corner and breathe into a paper bag. :)
Thanks so much for this post. I know it’s really hard to admit it sometimes, so thank you for putting it into words. I deal with that same anger.
It’s frustrating as hell. Especially to think that only a few years ago before I had kids I thought I was generally a pretty mellow, happy-go-lucky person who laughed off my frustrations. Fast forward to dealing with a 4-year-old and a 17-month-old (who, although he does eat dog hair, just not out of anger, does plenty of his own annoying things when he hears the word no). I find myself yelling my head off many days of the week. My god, who is this person, I wonder to myself in shame. I take a deep breath and try to calm myself, only to be frustrated again to the point of yelling minutes later.
It’s really comforting to hear that other people are learning how to deal with this too. Not that I’m glad you’re going through it, but I’m glad you’re sharing about it. I’ve been doing the “time outs” in the crib and it is saving my ass, I tell you. So keep doing that. Now all I have to say to the toddler is the phrase “time out” and he gets less crazy and realizes he might have to go to his room alone. A miracle.
Good luck. You’re not the only one. Thanks.
Mary – LOL! Don’t hyperventilate – you’ll be fine. Kiddos go through these things in phases and just when you think you can’t take anymore and are ready to grab the paper bag, they do something extremely sweet and adorable. I’ve told my husband “God really knows what he’s doing with these kids – he puts just enough sweetness in them to keep you from ripping their heads off!”.
My son is two and has been throwing the craziest tantrums for a good six months now. I have stopped taking him in public except when absolutely necessary, because it never fails that he has a meltdown of epic proportions. I have had eyes rolled at me and muttered comments about my kid needing discipline or a spanking so many times that I totally tune it out now.
And I have to confess there have been times when I wondered seriously if smacking him would help, not to punish him but just to snap him out of it before he further injured himself with his head banging and his furious biting OF HIS OWN ARM. He has seriously appeared to be deranged at times, or possessed.
I have survived without smacking or spanking or even TOO much screaming by simply laughing at him. Maybe it’s mean, and maybe it’s shaming and more psychologically damaging than hitting would be, I don’t know, but while I can’t bring myself to use my hands on my kids for anything other than restraint, I sometimes can’t help BUT to laugh out loud at their shenanigans. So that’s my only advise. Stay out of the public eye until this phase passes, and until then, keep a safe distance from the tantrum and laugh. Even if it’s just to keep from crying.
Know what parenting moments I love? The ones where you have to learn something that you already know. Like *lightbulb!* let’s be proactive about this or that situation instead of reactive. And then the light bulb feeling of glory is quickly gone when I realize that I had the SAME LIGHT BULB MOMENT last week.
Why is it that all small children are biologically programed to try and drive their parents to the edge of sanity? How is that helping the survival of our species, anyway?
I’ve feeling the same rage when my son wakes up in the middle of the night the last couple of days, and he’s not even ONE yet. So…yeah. Grown-up lessons, sign me up.
I was catching up on your blog, so my comment on “Shortfall” was meant for this post. But I work part time too, and was warned that after having kids, I would feel like I was no good at either job. Sometimes it is like that, but I usually remedy it by cooking a super healthy meal for my family and reading an extra book or two to my son to ease my pain (and his)
God Almighty – THIS IS ME.
My daughter is only 11 MONTHS OLD, and already she has learned that when she’s angry she can smack me in the face or grab my lips and yank and it hurts, dammit. I have had more than one frustrated conversation with my husband about how awful I feel about getting mad enough to yell at a small girl who is not even a year old. Whom I would also take a bullet for.
Frankly, being a grown up sucks sometimes.
Also, you should see this commercial, you might relate: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YxXIhM9nd2o
I feel like such a jerk when I find myself gritting my teeth to deal with something annoying my 5-month-old is doing. He’s FIVE MONTHS OLD, if I can’t deal with everything he dishes out NOW, I’m definitely screwed when he’s 2!
Look at that FACE! So awesome. Put him in the crib. Time outs are great for them and you. It will give you the time to breathe. It works for us. We don’t want to yell but you need to do SOMETHING. We love the “1,2,3 Magic” Book. The biggest mistakes (we all make as parents) are too much talking and too much emotion. Just throw him in the crib, walk away, then go back and resume the day. After awhile, he’ll get it.
My personal best was counting to 742. My demon spawn was still going strong, but I was calmed immensely.
I liked “Happiest Toddler” a LOT. It was really helpful. Remember,Dylan is getting SOMETHING from throwing his tantrums. Be careful NOT to reinforce the behavior by attending to them (it’s the applied behavioral analysis training coming out in me now). We also use “1,2,3 Magic,” and what a great book on parenting that one is!I’d agree with others on the idea to stick him in his crib (assuming he isn’t capable of jumping out…)! Set an audible timer and tell him you’ll be back after the timer sounds. Meanwhile, what does he get from his tantrums? Attention, I’d imagine. If you don’t give him attention, he’ll have to stop (eventually; how long can you stand it is the question?). Try that suggestion I offered before of whispering, “I can’t hear you when you’re screaming” into his ear. And try not to act mad at him. Be very matter-of-fact. “Oh, Dylan has decided to have a tantrum. Ok, here you go, here’s your crib. I’m setting the timer now. I’ll be back after it rings and you’re calm.”
Some of his behaviors seem sensory to me, the biting things, the eating fur. If that continues, you might want to have him assessed for sensory processing disorder, because those tantrums and the biting/eating fur, together, those might point in that direction. Or not. I’m not an expert, just a parent who’s seen A LOT.
Occupational therapists test for sensory processing disorder, which isn’t that big a big deal all by itself (it’s a big problem along with developmental delays, though, and Dylan seems to not have any of those!), and there are LOTS of ways to address sensory issues.
You might want to read “The Out-of-Sync Child.” I learned great ways to entertain ANY kid with “The Out-of-Sync Child Has Fun.” He’s probably just being what we used to call “two-ie.” And he seems to be something of a redhead…! It’s true what they say about redheads and temper, you know!
We’ve all lost it. Don’t feel bad. Sounds like a case of the terrible twos, early. Perhaps distraction is in order? Get him out of the house and run him ragged for a while at a park or in your backyard? Hell, turn on the cartoons! Whatever you have to do to get a sanity break.
If it makes you feel any better, my youngest, who just turned 2 in July, used to stuff dirt and/or rocks in her mouth any time we were outside and we had to discipline her for anything. Doing that same direct stare-down, with that blank, “what are you going to do now” expression on her face. OH I HATED THAT.
Oh my goodness. He is so cute. I’ve totally been there, and I feel for you. I can say with almost 100% certainty that it will get better. I found with my boys that as soon as we could talk about things and understand each other, the yelling got a lot less.
I’ve laughed at my younger son when he’s throwing a tantrum. I don’t mean to do it; it just comes out. He looks like his face is made of clay which I think is hilarious. After I stifle the laughter often I have said (very sarcastic voice) “Are you done now?” At a very early age (maybe two) he began to say “yes” and calm himself. The older son though? Tantrums–not funny to me & made me want to die. Sarcastic voice–no effect at all.
Oh, and the older son? If he found something small enough to use as a spoon in the sandbox at the park would just shovel sand into his mouth and eat it. Every time.
He doesn’t do that anymore, either.
I have found myself saying almost those exact words, I think we all have. There’s just only so many stimuli we can wrap our brain around, and when there’s a lot going on, it’s easy to lash out at the loudest, most obvious stimulus. My toddler has taken to screaming, and I mean SCREAMING when he wants something, and I kinda think it’s because when I’m really angry with him, I yell. So I’m trying super hard now to not do that. I try to remain calm, explain why what he’s doing is wrong, and if it comes to brass tacks, I too put him in the crib and let him scream. We just need a moment away from each other. Then I go back, we hug, it’s all good.
I’ve never replied before, but had to today. You and I are leading the exact same life! (Though I could NEVER do a triathalon). Two boys who you love to tears, but can just as easily drive you to tears. I second the Love and Logic suggestion. It’s more about the parent staying calm and in control. When I can do that, the kids magically behave better. Hmmmmm.
Also, the crib is fine…don’t feel bad about it. You will do better if you get a break. We also use a gate in my 2 year old’s door to keep him in, but not as separated from us.
Thanks for the great blog! I ALWAYS feel better after reading your posts. Thanks!!!!
(1) You are an awesome grownup in every way.
(2) Why not let him cry in his crib? I know you have wooden floors and sound really TRAVELS in your house (it does in my wood-floored house, too) but you could (a) put a rug in his room and (b) get a heavy “windstopper” carpet “log” to put against the bottom of his door (I think L.L. Bean sells them — they’re for winter drafts) and that would also contain the noise.
I truly believe that you are the funny, more articulate incarnation of my brain. My kids are a bit older and girls but good lord I share these feelings all too often. My youngest doesn’t eat dog hair (maybe she would if we had a dog) to spite us but does other things like cut her sister’s American Girl doll’s hair or pee in her bed. She once told me that if I didn’t give her candy she would poop on the floor. How does one stay calm in that situation?? (she is a redhead too by the way)
Maybe a time out specific playpen with no access to dog hair? I don’t know. We are going through this (tantrums) with my youngest. She has mastered the red-faced, screaming, throw your whole body to the floor, dramatic tantrum. I usually try to walk away, sometimes having to move her away from sharp corners or furniture. I need advice on the very loud screaming tantrums in public.
I have been there, and still am, with not exactly being a role model for my tantrumy tot. But the time out thing you mentioned made me remember this article about boys and time outs that was interesting. My girl responds to time outs well, and we have very few of them, but that article address why time outs don’t work for some, and what to do.
Yep, I hear ya. Just the word no sends ours off the deep end. When I’m in a hurry or just plain had enough I’m quick to scream also. I would love to send him to his crib but sometimes it’s in public, like at his brothers football game. Do you just up and leave one kid to go and talk some sense in this screaming child? Or do you make everyone else sooo glad they left theirs at home and stay put? I’m a seasoned parent (I have a 12 and 10 year old) so I do know that they do grow out of this but man it does really suck alot.
Just remember what a little lover he is and it’s not his fault he’s such an ass most of the time :) This is what I say over and over and over…….
Do I *ever* understand where you are coming from. The other night, my 2 1/2 year old wouldn’t let me change his diaper and kept climbing up on the back of the couch and jumping down. I lost it as well, I didn’t yell, but I did grab his PJs in my fist and hiss “STOP IT!”. His response? To cry and say, “Mommy don’t hurt me”. I felt like total shit.
I feel like a prisoner sometimes to the little guy. He really is a good-natured little boy but we cannot seem to get the discipline thing down: we can’t get him to sit down for dinner, he climbs all over the furniture and I feel like a total failure of a parent when I see other parents give their children a warning in a stern voice and they are obedient. How the hell do they do that?! So, I just try to keep my shit together and be as adult as I can but man! Is it hard sometimes!!
How are we going to do this with two kids, if we can’t seem to handle one? We’re due in less than four weeks so I guess it’s a little late to ask that one, huh?
I have not read the other comments but I just wanted to say that you are not alone, sister! I have felt that way SO many times with my 2 1/2 year old. From reading your web site for many years (pre Riley) I have to say that I think you are a great Mom! Keep on truckin and hugs to you.;)
You can even loooooooose it when your kids are in their late 20’s and YOU KNOW they KNOW better.
And I think he’s very normal…. but that face! How can that face scream and throw tantrums. He’s innocent.
Carrie, I tried the whole “hold the kid in my lap to immobilize” thing until my angel reared her head back and proceeded to break my nose. Yah. Fun times…..Tantrums are awful, but the awfulness isn’t as much fun for the tantrumOR when they are ignored and/or put somewhere without an audience/tantrumEE. Crib, room, playpen, whatever. Then do like I did. Lock the bedroom door AND the bathroom door (of course making sure you can hear your bundle of joy) and enjoy a beverage.
I forgot to say “thanks” Linda for a great post. Once again reminding us, once again, that we ARE NOT ALONE.
My Henry tries to bite the walls. He also does commentary on his acts of rebellion as he is engaging in them, “Hitting! Throwing! Breaking! Bite this!”
And I have the same “brief helpless feeling of catharsis, followed swiftly by shame and regret” when I inevitably yell at him. And I tell myself all the same stuff about being the grown-up and how his behavior is age-appropriate, but mine in unacceptable. And then I go and do the same damn thing the next time.
I hate myself so much for doing that. I have made an appointment with a therapist and I’m going to follow through because I’ve got to figure out a way to short-circuit my own anger.
Between this post and the last one about your sick household, I feel like we’re living the same life right now. I mean, exactly.
Linda and Amy W, I think maybe it’s so hard to hold onto your temper BECAUSE you love them so much.
Of course I have no kids so might be talking out my ass but please hear me out anyway.
At the start of the year my partners 7yr old son came to live with us. And he throws tantrums or deliberately does things to get a reaction.
Initially I was quite dispassionate so I could stay calm even when he tried to press my buttons. He had no handle on me. It’s gotten harder to deal with as we spend more time together because I’m starting to care for him (damn those emotional ties). But when I can feel myself starting to lose it I put us both in Time Out and just keep reminding myself that once I yell, he’s won (thanks supernanny).
So yeah, the timeout thing does work for us, most of the time. But still, tantrums at SEVEN yrs old, I mean, seriously, WTF?
Yes yes yes. I told Wombat to “Stop it and leave me alone” (because he was sitting on my head while I was in bed trying to sleep), and the guilt was as immediate as it was vast, especially because the poor thing is only ten months old and doesn’t even know what those words mean. Poor thing. Sometimes it’s hard to be a nice mama.
Gosh, I have to comment again because reading all these reminds me of two things my oldest did when having tantrums: (1) screamed until his nose spontaneously started to bleed and (2) broke the windshield of the car WITH HIS HEAD and did not miss a beat. Not one. (By the way, car was not moving…I had trapped him in the car due to him throwing a fit near a busy street).
Yeah, let me say again that a few short years later, he never has tantrums. We talk.
@Robin at 7:35 a.m.”…he jumps up and attacks me.” Thank you–for you just made me laugh so hard that I lost MY shit. :)
OMG. My daughter’s the exact same age and at the exact same stage (please,God,let this be a stage). Sadly, the only comfort I have is knowing that someone else is going through the same thing.
I don’t have kids yet so no help here…but the thought of you sitting on the couch w/ Dylan’s future girlfriend telling her how he ate DOG HAIR as a toddler made me laugh out loud. Hang in there!
“The moments of scary, angry yelling are the ugliest I’ve ever known. The brief helpless feeling of catharsis, followed swiftly by shame and regret.” –sadly, I know this feeling all too well. Happens to the best of us. Doesn’t make in any more acceptable, but makes me feel less like a monster when I read that you lose your shit too!
My daughter is a couple of weeks younger than Dylan, so I GET IT.
An idea – when he’s freaking out and starts the dog hair eating shit, get out the vacuum. The noise will (cross your fingers) drown out some of the screaming AND you’ll be taking away his snack.
Just a thought.
you have no Idea how much I needed this post, and needed it today.
FWIW, our son was a tantrum-thrower, too. He magically calmed down when he went to k’garten – don’t ask me why because I have no idea. He turned into the most laid-back and easy-care guy around. (He’s now 33.) I imagine Dylan will be done with all this eventually, so all you have to do is wait it out! And isn’t it funny just how different two kids from the same parents can be?
P.S. I want to pinch those cheeks of his because he is so freakin’ adorable!
If anyone is in the LA area (and having the problem), I have heard really wonderful things about the Center for Nonviolent Education and Parenting…How to handle your own emotions when your kid is acting up. My friend takes a lot of their classes and is a firm believer in their methods….
We’ve all been there. :)
Sorry if someone else has suggested something similar: My sister has two kids (I have none), and in such situations she started using “the crying room,” much like you used the crib. Even at that young age, before they could talk… she’d put the offender in a room and say “I’ll be back when you’re finished crying.” (Does he understand what you say to him, for the most part? Forgive my ignorance on that point) And they’d just sit there and yell, until they were done. She’d come check on them… “are you done yet?” and get some kind of wimpy/cute “uh-huh” or “I’m pinished (hee),” and then they got to come out.
It was pretty darn effective. Still is. In one house they lived in temporarily, the bedrooms were upstairs so there was a “crying rug,” in the kitchen. The crier couldn’t leave the rug til s/he was done with the tantrum.
Linda-
My daughter is also a royal pain, and like you, I lose my shit with her ALOT. My husband has an approach that works very well at least with her. When he sees that she is going to have a tantrum, she lays her down on the couch and tickles her until she isnt mad anymore, then he sits with her on his lap, and lets her catch her breath. It is not foolproof, but it works often. You are a fine mother, just be grateful that your boys will not remember all of the things you regret saying…
Rule of timeout: one minute for every year. When the timeout is for me: see you in half an hour…
Obviously not an expert here and probably more clueless than most but according to the books I’ve read on sleeping, you should be careful not to use the crib as a means of punishment. Makes the kids associate being in their bed with bad things or some shit. Ergo, sleep issues. But obviously at this age you need to be able to put them somewhere safe while you crawl into a corner, assume the fetal position and try to will yourself into another dimension. How about a time-out playpen? I’ll let you know if it works because we are just about there… My Riley (16 months) has taken to angrily pawing at me when I don’t allow him to do something. Which of course is a precursor to actual hitting. Which of course is absolutely unacceptable! I’ve heard (okay, read – I’m sure you are sensing a pattern here) that toddlers at this stage are fascinated by their ability to cause a reaction, positive or negative. So the idea is to stop the undesirable behavior with as little reaction as possible. So… Meditation? Mood stabilizing pharmaceuticals?
Thank you Linda, for another wonderful post. Along with the comments above, it made me feel slightly less terrible and alone about losing my temper with my son (3yo) and YELLING at him to just STOP IT. And then he tells me, “you’re NOT my friend” or “bad Mommy” – ouch.
“The moments of scary, angry yelling are the ugliest I’ve ever known. The brief helpless feeling of catharsis, followed swiftly by shame and regret. ”
THIS? Is exactly how I feel. We tend to think the rest of the world has it together when we’re falling apart. Thank you for being so honest to share.
Totally been there done that. Many many times. I agree with the crib time. It’s not pleasant, but it’s safe. You get a break, which you need, and he doesn’t get attention. I agree with the vacuum cleaner suggestion as well. You will get through this. Albeit with some new gray hairs, but you’ll come out on the other side.
I here ya. I’m working on my tone..
I tend to snap more at my older child.
I think it’s because I expect her to “get it”.
I forget that even though she’s taller than me, she is still a kid.
Thank you.
This post is great food for thought.
Been there, done that. YMMV, but I’ve found a book called “Positive Discipline: The First Three Years” to be helpful. It’s all about what stuff is developmentally appropriate and how to deal with it–which duh, I think we all know that tantrums are developmentally appropriate, but sometimes it is just so soothing to turn to the book and think “see, it’s not just my kid.” I re-read it when I’m having a tough time with the little bugger, and it helps me take a step back and realize this is just a phase and I CAN be patient, even though it’s sometimes the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
Anonymous, I’ve totally had the same mental imaginings of Jo the Supernanny playing back a video of me shrieking at the boys in the bathroom! Ah, the comisery!
Having 3 kids of my own (my oldest is now 14!), I have totally had my share of exorcist moments when I find myself in a complete meltdown. On one occasion I was with a girlfriend when all hell broke loose. Mid-tirade, she handed me a sippy cup while acting like Vanna White and proclaimed me “Mother of the Year!”. Well, it was just so damn funny that I took the cup and made an elaborate acceptance speech which cracked up the kids. It is a running joke to this day.
Oh scary, yelling angry mom? Yeah. I know her too well. And scares me more than it even scares the kids. A kind of out of body experience at times for sure. When it was one boy, I did okay. I put him in his room. I stepped outside. When it was two boys, I kept my cool. I split them up. I stepped outside. Now there are three boys. I can’t step outside or they will literally draw each others’ blood. So I yell. Or I just give in. I don’t know which is worse sometimes. Ah, it’s all relevant. And they’re not half-bad if I do say so myself. And we’ve made it this far. C’est la vie. This motherhood shit is rough.
Hi Linda – I’ve followed your blog for a while now, but never commented. (I know, who cares). But I woke up this morning thinking about this post – because, you know, I read it + all 3 gazillion comments yesterday. How in the world do you have time to read these??? Anyhoo, I am a firm believer that cribs should not be a place for punishment because as Nicole said, that can lead to sleep issues. I have 2 1/2 year old twins and have been very careful to keep their room and cribs a happy place, and it has paid off (I’m neglecting to add the part that they didn’t sleep through the night until they were 11 mo. old and I convinced myself I had to give them up for adoption, but that’s another story entirely.) And I was also thinking about the whole dog-hair eating thing. He needs an audience for effect, so tell him that you’re not interested in watching him and leave the room. Finally, I hate to sound judgemental because I’ve had SOO many moments with my girls that I care not to remember, but DO NOT THROW COLD WATER IN A CHILD’S FACE! Hello, people!??
My nephew eats hair, paper and fluff when he’s agitated or anxious.
Google “pica.”
So there have been 125 comments before mine, and I haven’t read them (Hell – I’m not even sure YOU’RE reading them at this point), so someone else has probably already made this point but I shall continue nonetheless: I think it’s PERFECTLY fine to put him in his crib when he’s starting to melt down like that – for you, yes, but also for him. He’s over a year old, right? I’m of the opinion that he’s old enough to at least *start* to make the connection between his behavior and the result – “Hey, when I act like a total jackass, I am suddenly removed from all the action. Huh…”
It’s hard to know when is the right age to start disciplining kids (I’ve found there’s a very fine line between “my sweet angel baby” and “who is this a-hole, anyway?”), but I do know that a lot of people wait too long – and then all of a sudden you’ve got a monster three-year-old on your hands who can’t understand why suddenly so much is expected of him.