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Dec
1
You know what’s more fun than trying to capture a halfway decent family photo? ANYTHING AT ALL, and I’m including blowing Jon Gosselin. After spending an hour last night wrestling with children, tripod, and an eventual raging migraine, here are a few top choices for this year’s holiday card:
Well, aside from Riley’s gaping baboon mouth and the fact that we apparently spend every waking moment of the day beating Dylan with a Stick of Sorrow, this isn’t too . . . okay, it’s awful. NEXT.
Whose idiot idea was this? A group thumbs up? AYYYYYYY. And why does Riley look like a Children of the Corn? While Dylan is all, I DON’T KNOW WHERE MY THUMB IS DURRRRR! Next.
Oh look, we are having SO MUCH FUN! What a FUN AND ZANY FAMILY! We are on a ROLLER COASTER! A roller coaster of FUN! The children are particularly fun-filled, what with their confused, miserable tolerance and all! HA HA HA FUN! NEXT!
What? Terrible, just terrible. Let’s blame JB for this. Next.
Aaaaand we have dual crying. Please note my frozen grimace of FUN, while Riley struggles to escape my death grip (OF FUN), Dylan sobs inconsolably, and JB wonders out loud if I remembered to bring the cyanide death capsules to this little photo session. NEXT.
You know what? SCREW IT. Ladies and gentlemen, Picker Von Nostril and Horsey McHORSE? HORSE? HORSE? Happy damn holidays.
Comments
105 Responses to “A Xanax in a pear tree”
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You know what? Family pictures at Christmas are highly overrated. For what it’s worth, I think your first couple are adorable, and perfectly Christmas card worthy.
My mother is still insisting on a group picture, and I am 48 years old. This year, there was one time the whole family was together, a big family picnic with cousins, and she disrupted the whole thing and basically ended it insisting on her picture. If you look at it, I am not smiling. My brother is gritting his teeth. His wife is glaring. Another sister in law looks like she’s holding an axe behind her back and is about to go after my mother. A couple of the grandchildren are crying, because they got dragged out of the water to come pose.
But she has her picture. And she’s happy. Until NEXT TIME. I hate Christmas cards.
I really love the first one. To get Dylan both focused on the camera and smiling, tho’, you probably needed to have a photographer who was a HORSE? HORSE!.
Hahaha! You should just send this out as your holiday greeting!
These are hilarious and your comments on each picture had me laughing out loud. I agree with Melissa – you could send this (or something similar) as your holiday greeting. It is a very funny series of pictures. Maybe even better than a “perfect” picture of you all just sitting there smiling.
Xmas cards are way overrated. I don’t want to see a family when they are all perfect and smiling — I want real life. One, two or three are perfect. If you can catch the kids destroying anything — even better.
Look at Dylan’s pose in the 4th picture!? He’s all “what’s up camera” with his hand forearm on his knee!
Best family photo is our house? The four of us jumping into the lake in the summer. Our Christmas cards are always take in July at the lake.
I love them all – because they are REAL! Seriously though, that first one totally qualifies. Getting kids to look at the camera is a total crapshoot.
Coming from somebody who doesn’t have kids- if I got a Christmas card from a friend that was an assortment of these FAIL photos, I would love them forever. Way more fun than perfect photos of shiny happy kids!
OMG you are seriously cracking me up right now! I can’t decide which is better – the photos or your commentary. :)
I’m kinda laughing so hard I’m crying. I like Stacey’s idea- maybe a compilation of FAIL photos is the way to go?
I love every single one of them. Print them up as a series, they are priceless.
Please, please, please put all of them on a photo card and send it out. Your friends and random acquaintances deserve this insanely high level of awesomeness.
Hell yeah. And the sentiment on the inside?
“HORSE? HORSE! HORSE.”
Totally laughing right now! I am going to dress the girls up tomorrow for our annual picture, and I am completely terrified. I have decided to put M&Ms in my pocket like a seal trainer.
Your hair, skin, and outfit are flawless. What else matters?
(Actually, the first three photos are great. Throw some holly around them and send.)
I think the first one works. It’s adorable. Riley is happy, and Dylan is… looking in the right direction. It’s everything you could want, really. I mean, the important part is you and JB look good- the kids are young enough to not have input yet. Cherish that.
I honestly really like number one…
I have a picture somewhere of “The Simpsons” posing for their photo (strangling each other) with the caption “Remember – as far as anyone knows we’re a nice normal family”. Methinks it might apply here… :P
I’m awake at 1:57am with a sleepless child and this made me cry with hilarity. A goofy insane kind of uncontrolled giggle. Thank you
Its 230am… I’m laying awake next to a two year old that’s puking every 15 minutes. Thank you for that post… just thank you.
*love* the thumbs up photo.
It’s Wednesday, I just got up, I’m not that thrilled over it only being mid-week – damn, how come that four day weekend went by so fast and the week after it is dragging? – and I sat here helplessly giggling over your comments on the photos. Thank you. Good way to start a Wednesday.
Well, now that first picture looks AWESOME!
This year I’m sending out one decent photo and one montage of crappy ones to show what I was up against.
I am DYING over here, you are so funny.
I don’t bother with the family pictures anymore. For one thing my Husband does not like his picture taken at all, EVER. I only have 1 child, but I try to get the dogs in the pictures as well, and you know how that is.
My husband casually asked me if we were doing a Christmas Card this year right has I opened this post. I laughed till I cried, and then made him read it. He thinks we should skip the actual photo session and just steal your pics, being all “Hey man, we tried. Look at this other family who sucks at pictures, too”
Add me to the chorus of LOL’ers. The second-to-last is what ours usually look like. #1 is pretty damn good. I like the one with the doodle board, too, if just for Dylan’s toddler-model pose.
My kids are a bit older, and group pictures still aren’t easy. We went to a professional studio earlier this year (thanks to a gift certificate), and the guy had to go to some crazy lengths to get my kids to provide natural expressions. And frankly, there was some Photoshopping involved with the finished products (i.e., crop my head from this one and paste it on the identical pose so we all look good!)
Love the post, your family is beautiful. Happy holidays!
Holy Carp I almost pee’d my pants reading this one!! I SOOOOOO know what you mean. You are hysterical! Thanks for making me laugh!
Bring on the nose picking ones. Anyone who doesn’t laugh when they open it is dead inside. The last one I sent out, one of my kids was openly crying. Nothing like a slice ‘o’ life.
Or, as I like to call it, Free Birth Control.
I love the third one where Riley looks like he’s PRAISING THE LORD.ALLELUAH BROTHERS AND SISTERS!!
Those are just too funny. I never realized how difficult it is to get a family picture until I really, really wanted one. I’m not sure we have one suitable photo at all with all three of us.
Love the nose-picker one. It says “keeping it real.”
This was the first thing on my blogroll this morning, and now I have to reapply my makeup here at work (TACKY) because I am crying with the laughing. THANKS. (Srsly, LIZZING. All over the place.)
I LOVE Dylan’s pose in the etch-a-sketch one. Awesome!
I’m laughing so hard my eyes are watering. And THAT is why my husband and I stay out of it, just getting a decent photo of the two kids is hard enough. It requires Xanax for sure. Holy hell.
I’m with Jeanette on the awesomeness Riley’s hand to Christ. CAN I GET A WITNESS???
“Picker Von Nostril” had me laughing so hard one of my co-workers came into my office to see what I was laughing about. From a mother who has a Halloween picture of a princess picking her nose, I salute you!
I love it!! My boys are 11 and 7 and they are ‘trained’ monkeys when it comes to taking pics! It does get better…eventually they appease and just sit nice to get you out of their hair!! You have a wonderful Holiday!
One year I just sent out a collage of the bad ones. I recommend it.
I have to stop reading your posts at work… I’m crying I’m laughing so hard, and I work in an open concept office so of course everyone is doing the ‘prairie dog’ to see what’s so funny. Total riot.
I see a Shutterfly card with a collage of these and the message, “We want credit for trying. Happy Holidays!”
Well, at least your hair looks good.
I think you should put all the pictures on one card. They are real-life, everyday snapshots of your family– I think they are awesome!
Send all those pictures, with captions! It’s much more engaging than a frozen picture of smiles and man, your comments are FUNNY.
I have to laugh. I have two boys one now 6 and one currently 5… I am waiting to see if he makes it to six… and a 15 yo step son. About three years ago I thought it would be cute if they all wore reindeer antlers for the Christmas card photo. The youngest was crying while the oldest was trying in vain to keep a smile on his face and hold his brother’s antlers on his head. The middle guy… he was watching TV, it is very obvious in the photo. I sent it out just like that saying seasons greeting and welcome to my world.
ONE WORD: PHOTOSHOP
Oh this had me in tears. At least your melt downs were private. We took our dog and pony show to the streets… which is ill advised.
We hit a local place that decks the halls nicely and tried to get a shot of the kids all cute and dressed up and what not. It was very early in the morning so we thought ‘great NO people’. Umm we did not bargain for the building workers and dude the looks from those people were priceless. A cross between being appalled that were allowed to procreate and have children and PURE hatred.
Weeee… next year I am just going to buy a box of damned cards from Target.
I’m in awe that you are even working on your holiday photos already. I usually look at my husband in an “oh shit we haven’t done that yet” manner about around Dec 20th. I love the first one! Even if Dylan isn’t smiling, he’s still full of cuteness. You have an adorable family!
This is hilarious! I am cracking up here in front of my computer.
Dude I hired someone to take pictures (only because my family was whining that they didn’t have professional pictures of the kiddo so we did some of him and some of us all at the same time) and they still turned out…not great. They were decent but not, you know, hi we paid a lot of money for this, isn’t it awesome. I ended up choosing one with C having a similar expression to Riley in the first one. But whatever, it’s done right? I think the first one is good. The third one probably would have been the winner if the 2009 wasn’t covering up Riley…
Those are so great and your verbage is killing me. I wish I had seen this before I did my own rotten, scary photo session this weekend!
Ahahaaa! I too like the idea of sending them all as a collage type card. Unless you come up with a better one before you print them. We attempted a family photo this weekend and well, I just made them all black and white and went with the blurry look is cool thing…all of them, ALL of them, were underexposed!! Damn, shit! Fuck! I give up. For now.
Literally laughing my ass off. Love this.
Oh man, these are great! I agree that the first picture is terrific, but the rest of them are hysterical. I don’t even know you and I was secretly hoping one of these would show up in my mailbox. Well done!
Collage! Collage! I think you had better luck with your kiddos than my mom does every year with her grown ass children. We are so grumpy!
Compile all of these and send it out. If I got one I’d be laughing like crazy. THIS I would remember, not those boring ones where everyone is smiling and are dead behind the eyes.
I adore them all! I say make them into a big collage :D
Your descriptions made me laugh out loud.
All of latter pictures are making the first one look pretty damn good, huh?
HA HA HA!!! I love you guys. BTW, I love that color paint in your living room.
We are much more critical on our OWN photos than other, aren’t we? We never seem to get one that passes my criteria, which is why those photo cards with multiple photos are AWESOME. It’s much easier to get *individual* great photos, isn’t it?
Will you share with us what you finally choose?
You know what’s way awesomer than taking a family photo? READING ABOUT IT ON OTHER PEOPLE’S BLOGS. This is one of my favorite posts of the year.
Solution: Thomas van der wilt. Family Portrait. Photoshop your faces onto the classical oil painting for serene perfection every time.
I do that for my card with movie posters or oil paintings. Add some holiday clip art and you’re gold. I’ll send you a copy of mine when it’s done. Also: Wall color = gorgeous!
Last year I sent out a card with three pics from a shoot I tried to do with the boys, they were all goofy, but everyone got a kick out of them.
I’ve started trying for group photos that are awful of everyone. Goofy of four of us, but one person looks great? DISQUALIFIED.
This philosophy is a little more rewarding, because every once in awhile you actually GET one without having to photoshop.
omg, this post had me in STITCHES.
That second one is like an outtake from a news team photo shoot. “Ok everyone! Last year we were jumping and the year before that we were pointing… this year: the thumbs up!”
Ha ha ha… that was so much fun! I was literally laughing out loud.
You are too cute!
Go with the last one and photoshop yourself in. =)
When I saw the third picture, I thought “armpits. Ew.”. That’s all I can think about now.
My friend is a professional photographer, and we always get great family portraits with our squirrely 3 and 2 year olds. How we achieve this? I grab one kid in my lap, my husband grabs the other, and we tickle them while, you know, smiling. It’s not ever looking at the camera and smiling perfectly, but everyone always looks happy and together. So maybe try tickling.
Also, I think the first picture is cute.
I love this, and I fully support the idea of sending out a series of outtakes along with the official holiday photo. You guys are adorable regardless.
I actually like all of them. I think the pictures where everybody is posed just so and smiling like they’ve all just been given electro-shock therapy are kind of boring :)
I had to check back and read the comments after getting to work, and now am lost in giggles that are sizzling out of my nose while I try to be very professional and legal minded at work. This may be my second favorite post ever (first is the one of Dylan and the “hello ladies” personal ad type thing) and I think I have to bookmark it so I can come back and cackle some more another day. This is priceless.
AWESOME POST! Thanks for making me laugh!
ditto! I feel exactly the same way!!
Um, is that a couch? And if so, where did you get it? Because it looks insanely comfortable. Oh yeah, happy holidays. :)
Blowing Tiger Woods isn’t looking so good right now either.
Add me to Team Laughing My Ass Off. “Blowing Jon Gosselin” and “Stick of Sorrow” made Diet Coke come out my nose. That’s painful, btw.
I agree with those calling for a collage of the failures. Stick a post-it on it that says “We TRIED, goddammit. Merry frakking Christmas.”
I actually like the group thumbs up pose. Very cute, and shows the quirky sense of humor you and yours have.
dude, i’d go with the first one. no, actually, i admit, i’d go for the nosepicking one, but then i’m a dork and it would accurately represent my life with children. they’re adorable, and you’re delusional if you think they’re not. (I mean that lovingly, btw).
belly laughs! thank you!!
Wow. Those might rival mine from last year…
http://www.momtobee.com/almost-wordless-weekend-3/
I don’t even own a tripod so imagine how jacked our family photos are!! ;)
I’m not even reading anyone else’s comments. You crack me up each and every time! LOVE to those ‘wacky’ kids of yours.
“…blowing Jon Gosselin.”
Aaaand my retinas just detached. Thanks for that.
What’s wrong with #1? I love it! Anytime the Stick of Sorrow makes its presence known is alright by me. Number one, all the way!
ohmygod…thank you! Fucking hysterical…I think I’m going to pee!!! Oh I am so glad we are not the only ones! By the way…where is the xanax??
SO funny. and you know what? the best ones are the funny ones. the perfectly posed ones? *yawn*
my favorite one is with the hands in air roller coaster. only because i love riley’s one hand in the air. it’s like he’s AMEN! praise jesus. merry christmas! holla!
love it.
These reminds me of our family pictures when my kids were that age. My son who was 3 decided that day he didn’t like having his picture taken. By the time we talked him into (ok, we totally bribed him) doing the picture the one year old had had enough. I seriously remember sitting there smiling and saying to my family I want a fucking family picture so suck it up. My husband was all like who does this with children at this age. The one that we went with had us all smiling but the baby. My vote is #1!
You need to aim low. As in your standards, not your camera angle. I took a picture of my crying pissed off baby with “MERRY FRICKIN’ CHRISTMAS. BAH HUMBUG.” on them and that was 4 years ago and people STILL get those cards out and talk about them.
LED电子显示屏（www.rt37.cn）路过了，给博主冒个泡，博客很精彩，有空多多交流。
博主写的真的很好，在这里给你留个言了，我的网站比较前卫，博主不要介意啊，以后多多关照。
I DO love the way Dylan is sitting in the “2009″ photo…maybe you should cut that out and photoshop him into various photos b/c that is freakin’ adorable! :)
That was great! I’m still laughing!! “Picker von Nostril”…LOL. Resize them and send them all on one card! Priceless! I’m going to read it again…
Seriously girl….you crack me up!!! I am in miserable pms bitch mode, and I do believe your family photo session is the lone moment of laughter in my day. Thanks for that.
Btw Day 25….
You make me laugh so hard…the pictures aren’t nearly as funny as your running commentary. Merry Christmas!!
That was hilarious, thank you.
# 1 is the bomb, but I also like the idea of sending a compendium of the FAIL photos. :)
Use the one of JB in his boxers for all your lady friends. yummy, he looks great, you look great, yous guys look great together.
This cracked me up beyond belief!
Go with the first pic and call it a day. It’s cute!
This post made the entire holiday season worth while.
Haven’t laughed like this in wayyyy to long.
AAAAWH! I don’t care what you say you’re family is frickin’ adorable!! (and your posts are super funny, too!)
I vote for pick #1.
Yeah, the one with JB in his chones wins my vote. And send one to me, k? Thx.
But what about Thanksgiving? How did it work out? (Also, I think your new hair is cute.)
First one. I think you’re all gorgeous.
Thank you so much for the great laughs! You have to send out the best of them, the first one and keep one in both of the boys’ scrapbooks to later let them know just how fun, falalalalaa it was! I have a gorgeous pic of my daughter at 4 and I will tell the funny story when she’s older of how she just wouldn’t leave the bow on her dress tied! Happy Holidays!! and p.s. personally it makes me feel better to get one from friends when it isn’t “perfect”, makes me feel as I’m not alone…cuz no matter what we do nothing’s picture perfect.
What is the name of that paint on your wall?? What boy picking his nose?? I don’t know what you’re talking about? Just give me the name of that paint sample! Please!!!
OMFG, I so needed a giggle. I think this was my favorite post EVER.
Dang it. That last link included the bracket and period. Try this:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/tags/greatgreetings/
Great article.Thanks.